Love takes work, time and a whole lot of patience. They never tell you about that part. That should really be added to the fairytales.
Every love story should have a strong epilogue written in, and in each epilogue is where we should be learning about the pitfalls, mistakes and all out war concerning relations that proceed... "I Do."
Single people need warnings about certain behaviors to watch out for, from our partners and ourselves. Marriage isn't easy, but it can last forever with enough effort.
Redditor u/New_Presentation5105 asked for some relationship advice from all the lovebirds out there, by asking:
Married people of reddit , what something you wish unmarried people knew?
Love and marriage, what a combo. I ask all the time... what are the secrets? How do make love endure? I need to be ready. Should I ever live long enough to love.
RulesReese Witherspoon Mom GIF by HULUGiphy
"Only the couple sets the rules of what their marriage is, not your mother, not your friends, not tv... just you. That actually applies to all relationships."
"Getting married doesn't mean that you're never going to feel lonely again."
"Yeah that's what I was trying to say. People still need friendships and other relationships outside of just with their spouse. They can't take care of every emotional need you have. I've known many people who ignore those outside relationships when they get married and later regret it."
"My marriage was stretched the absolute thinnest when we welcomed both our kids - take a complete life change, add in lack of sleep, hormones, an upended schedule and a million other things and it will strain even the strongest relationship. Because we were good going into it, we were even better coming out."
"If you have any kind of cracks in your relationship, bringing a newborn into it will quickly make them chasms. I have to laugh when people say they'll have a baby to "save the relationship" because I can't think of a faster way to end a floundering relationship than to bring a baby into it!"
My Poor Sister
"My sister's marriage. Her MIL had a ridiculous amount of control over things and her husband didn't want to be in the middle so he would plug his ears and walk away. When my sister finally told her MIL that what she was doing was disrupting and causing problems in her (my sister) family, the MIL sat there dumbfounded and asked "why would any of this upset your brothers and sisters?"
"She just could not grasp the fact that my sisters family was her husband and kids and rolled her eyes when she was told that. Since her husband never stood up, and in some cases would actively back his mom because he didn't want to upset her, it eventually drove them apart. Now they never talk unless they have to and the kids are all but estranged from their dad and grandparents."
Unsolved...Nbc Marriage GIF by This Is UsGiphy
"Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship."
So far that is sound advice. And it all sounds pretty basic. So why do so many marrieds make it such an arduous task? This is starting to sound like lessons in keeping it simple.
Like CountSchitts Creek Yes GIF by CBCGiphy
"Liking your partner is just as important if not more than loving them."
People Share The Most Selfless Thing They've Ever Secretly Done | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
"Being married 20 years, I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but being in a long term relationship like that just makes you an expert on your own relationship. Not on relationships in general. We can sometimes forget that, just because it works well in our own life, doesn't mean it will work for others."
"When you're a young couple, dozens of older couples are going to tell you what works for them. The best thing to do is understand that it's coming from a place of caring, and some will be good advice, but you've got to just find what works for you."
"check with my husband"
"Talk to your partner before you make decisions. I can't even tell you how much crap I get from my single friends when I tell them I'll "check with my husband" before agreeing to do something. Usually it's just to make sure we don't have something else going on that I forgot about, or maybe he wanted to do something and I haven't brought it up."
"It's not asking permission, it's being conscientious of your partner. It's especially true if you have kids. No, I don't ask my husband to "babysit", but it would be pretty sh*tty for me to just say "oh hey, I'm going out tonight. Have fun with a couple toddlers by yourself and with no notice!" And he treats me with the same respect."
Sleep on it...
"When we first married, an older person told us to never go to bed angry. We dutifully followed that advice for a few years. But a couple of years into our marriage, we were up still arguing about something at 2 AM. Finally we just went to bed angry after agreeing to discuss the problem in the morning. By the next morning we both realized we'd both just been tired. Well-rested the next day the problem just didn't seem as big a deal. For us at least… sometimes we just need to sleep on it."
Things to do...mountain GIFGiphy
"Have things you enjoy doing with your spouse that don't involve sex. The most stable marriages are ones where you and your spouse could be friends if you weren't married. Goes for dating too, IMO."
"butterflies in your stomach"
"I like my husband the most out of all the people I know. Even if I didn't have romantic feelings for him, I'd want to be friends with him because he's the freaking coolest. Like if I never knew him, and tomorrow I met an eighty year old man with his same personality, I would wanna hang out with that old man. We've been together for more than a decade, and while the "butterflies in your stomach" feeling comes and goes, there's always a baseline level of like that makes spending time with him worthwhile."
"You still need to maintain the things that made you, you before marriage. My wife and I have very different tastes in a lot of things and we never pretend to like it for the sake of the other person but also will not actively discourage those tastes either. I like hardcore and punk music. My wife likes bubblegum pop country."
"She thinks I listen to just noise and I think most of her stuff is shallow mass produced garbage but we agree to disagree and understand different flavors. Our friends are into different activities and we understand sometimes you gotta go have fun with those other people in your life and have some you time."
TravelDriving Road Trip GIF by The WigglesGiphy
"Go on a road trip together. Travel together before marriage. Close quarters and tough situations will give you insights into who that other person is."
"Do not rush into marriage, and make sure you have multiple serious talks about everything (few examples: religion, family, friends, goals for near future, goals for future, plan for kids, lifestyle, housing, retirement). The reason I say multiple talks is because people grow or change the longer they are with each other."
Make a List
- "Talk about whether you want kids before things get serious.
- Finances are something you manage together. It isn't something you cede to one spouse for whatever reason. I say this as someone who had to teach my dad how to use an ATM and the online banking site after my mom died.
- It's your relationship. It's something that belongs to you two. No one else.
- Adult up. Both partners need to take in the mental load of managing the house." - ConnieLingus24
"Focus on your marriage and not just on the wedding. And decide whether a fight is worth having - if it doesn't matter tomorrow does it really matter today."
"Be careful with this one though, sometimes things don't matter tomorrow but they could matter the next time the same scenario comes up. So it's still important to discuss. But in those cases I still like to wait till I'm over it to bring up how we could manage to not piss each other off next time. Fail-safes for when we're not our most considerate, which is often. lol"
Get your own...
"It's okay to use separate blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold butt cheeks because the other person "stole" the blanket!"
"After 12 years of marriage, my wife and I upgraded to a split king bed last year (we always had separate blankets). One of the best things we've done. It's had 0 effect on our sex life, and we both sleep way better than either of us did for years. It's kinda fun to walk up to the bed, hit "flat" on both remotes while winking at her."
Keep on keepin' on...
"Attraction comes and goes, but staying committed through it will really help you feel accepted and loved. Often the attraction differential doesn't kick in during dating."
"I'll add- marry someone you like > love. That romantic feeling is an emotion that waxes and wanes with time. Truly enjoying someone aside from intimate stuff is what makes up 99% of the time of the relationship."
FlyButterflies GIF by smecceaGiphy
"Once the butterflies go away it is your job to create butterfly moments."
"I have been married over 30 years. I would estimate only 25 of those years has been happily married. There will be crappy times possibly years. Wait it out unless it's abuse. People are often unhappy at work or something like that and leave their partner instead of dealing with the true problem. Your spouse should be the one you lean on to get through the outside noise not the first one you blame."
Maybe it's easier just to stay single. I'm so gloomy. But I will hold onto this thread just in case. Oh marriage, why can't it just be perfect?
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Oh boy.... you boys are a handful.
In this day and age looking for love or the perfect man can be an exhausting process that feels like a fate worse then death. Everyone is so focused on the usual checklist. Looks. Charm. Job. Money. Sensitive.... and the rest of the same ole. But really the key to some hearts, probably most, can be the unexpected know how that reaches outside the box. Being a good kisser is great (a must actually) but can you groom the dog? Can you dance a jig? Maybe its time to learn. Make fudge naked? Shall we discuss?
Redditor u/oohara wanted all the boys to gather round with a pen and pad and listen up for some important tips... it was asked.... Women of reddit, what are some (unexpected) skills that make men attractive for you?
Knowing Himselfchris evans chest GIFGiphy
Does the ability to be self aware count? It's attractive when a guy owns his flaws rather than denying them or being hypocritical in an attempt to hide them.
Not just the literal going to the store and putting things in the cart, but coming up with a meal plan for the week of a variety of well balanced meals and getting it all. The mental load is real y'all.
Meal plan is easy, make 1 healthy well balanced meal but make enough to last for 5 days. I'm eating a very nice Chicken Tikka Masala this week, next week will probably be a green curry because cucumbers are on sale and last week was spaghetti because I was feeling lazy.
The Good Hubby
My husband is constantly trying to grow as a human and be more understanding and compassionate and do better. And it's absolutely his sexiest quality. He's gregarious and a natural mediator and just takes the world straight-on with an open heart.
And I look at him every single night so crazy grateful that he's my husband. We've been married ten years in two weeks! Time flies man.
adorable....shemar moore smile GIFGiphy
This isn't really a skill, but I love it when men are able to genuinely and unashamedly express when they think something is cute. I feel like it's really common to see women squealing and getting really excited over, say, a puppy or a kitten or an adorable cartoon character, but men are kind of expected to not be affected by cuteness or not show it?
Being able to take care of someone who's under the weather. It's a role that falls to women in most families so a lot of guys don't get the chance to learn. I never realized how much I'd appreciate a man who could hold my hair out of my face while I puked, then kiss me when I felt better until it happened.
Someone who can care for themselves. Take a shower, clean up your own mess. Caring for one another in a relationship is important but some guys mistake this for 'I need to find myself another mom.'
I know it says unexpected skills in the title but there are so many guys who don't seem to realize this. I just wanted to get it out there.
Baking, cooking, sewing (even just mending a button or hemming in clothing), and general housekeeping. Essentially having basic life skills that prove you are an adult able to fend for themselves and aren't looking for a second mother in a partner.
Also being able to intentionally move your tricep? (whatever muscle is connected to your upper arm near shoulder outwards facing side). That's impressive AF.
PLEASE!!!harry styles juggling GIF by One DirectionGiphy
Please say juggling please say juggling please say juggling.
Numbers and Ratios....
Maths. Anything scientific. General broad knowledge and stone-cold logic on top of it.
I also like it when a guy can dance, but this is a whole different area.
This is the hot/crazy graph but for guys. Guys can be engineers and scientists and still enjoy very normal and a wide variety of social and creative things at a pretty equal rate to the guys that are not.
Standing up to others (particularly mates) who are being a**holes. Having a strong moral compass, empathy and selflessness is seriously sexy.
Playing an instrument! ++
But honestly if they are passionate about something: whether it's art or coding or reading books,
it's all a major booster. It shows that they can be dedicated to something and that's really attractive imo.
Lips Together...ryan gosling whistle GIFGiphy
I looove it when men can whistle nicely. It seems so sweet and happy to me, like he is able to appreciate the small joys in life.
Financial sense, and (sensible) frugality. A guy who knows how to budget properly, make savings projects, and reduce spending while still living his best life is usually also 1) intelligent, 2) good at planning ahead and thinking of the future, and 3) has a whole slew of related skill sets like basic home repair, cooking, cleaning, yard work, shopping, etc. (all things I expect us to share responsibility of.
I'm never going to be the sole house-manager ever again, and I would never ask someone else to take on that role alone).
Granted, I'm a long-haul kind of person. The criteria for spotting an attractive person across the room for the first time is more what you might expect: physical attractiveness and their personality in conversation.
There are many flexible women but for men it's pretty rare and harder to achieve, so that makes it really cool and attractive imo.
Next to Godliness....
Being clean. When you go to a guy's apartment and don't feel completely disgusted, but actually pleasantly surprised by how clean it is. Hot.
The first time my friends came to do a group project, the only girl of the group said my room was too clean. This can't be real. 10 minutes of friendly argument about how a guy can clean and she still didn't believe me.
I just vroom-vroom the room before they came.
Touch my....Hair Grooming GIFGiphy
Braiding hair!! My ex could to it and it was so cool. Especially since he could French braid and its so exhausting to do those yourself sometimes.
Active listening skills.
Hearing me and understanding me is not the same thing as responding in a way that makes me FEEL heard and understood.
Edit: So I'm not gonna go through and answer every single reactionary response here trying to distinguish the difference between active listening that makes the person feel heard and passive listening.
That's what Google is for.
"helps split up the cooking"
Cooking and the related grocery shopping (especially in the produce aisle). I went through all of college through my late-twenties without ever meeting a guy who was a good cook and liked to cook. If I did, I would jumped him and nabbed him right away. Finally got married to one who doesn't do any of these things but is great in many other respects - looks, smarts, success, but still I sometimes regret it.
It's not just the whole "helps split up the cooking" thing but I'm always dreamed of having a man who cooks with me - the whole egg in the mountain of flour and kneading the dough and cutting the pasta together thing. It takes enjoying good food and wine together to a whole another level, It's not the same when I make it myself or when we go out.
Storytelling. A man who can convincingly pretend to be a character he came up with on his own in irc roleplay, or can build a world and play multiple npc's as a tabletop game master. It demonstrates creativity, thinking outside the box, keeping track of multiple things not related to oneself, and seeing situation from multiple points of view.
Anything.....Excited The Cw GIFGiphy
Anything they know that I don't know. It's really attractive when someone is an expert at something and I can learn from them.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.