I have used every idea you can think of to get myself home. When I'm ready to exit, nothing is stopping me. I've killed off every family member you can think of... and my dog too. When you gotta go... GO!
Basic
Seth Meyers Lol GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy"I once left a party and when someone asked why I was leaving iIsaid "i need to go home and think of an excuse."
Cordial
"Hey, this was fun, i'm glad we all got the chance to catch up but I've got to get going now."
Endless Reasons
"It's time for me to get going, have a good night everyone"
"Thanks for ____, I'm going to go home and get some sleep."
"I'm gonna leave before traffic gets bad."
"I want to go start dinner."
"Or, better yet, "I'm leaving now, have fun guys." No excuses necessary as an adult that doesn't want to be somewhere they aren't obligated to be."
Bonus...
"Bonus 15 points if you say "blank" for the blank name."
"Thanks for a good time, blank, i gotta scoot though"
"Sorry blank, i wanna dodge traffic and should leave sharpish".
"Bonus 15 points again if you're obviously reading it off a script."
Out There
Giphy"Looks out window and goes pale:"
"Is that...? No, it can't be! I can't believe it! Give me a minute, I won't be long."
"Then, run outside brandishing a ruler (or a wooden spoon, your choice) and don't come back."
I'm taking notes. I really need to hold onto these thoughts. They work in very realistic ways. It's better to stick to reality instead of weaving elaborate tales. Who can do better?
To Blockbuster
Hotline Miami 80S GIFGiphy"I've got to return some videotapes."
"Yesssssssssss then leave your perfectly tasteful business card to make everyone jealous."
- 20191995
The A.M.
"I have to be up early."
"Yup and leave your party to go back home to stay awake until four am and regret it next morning but yup."
Woof
"Not sure if this could apply to you, but I always use my dogs as an excuse. I'll say I have to take them out, feed them, etc. Never been questioned about it because everyone knows dogs can't take care of themselves."
"I have an epileptic dog that needs seizure meds every 8 hours. All my friends know now. I just yell out "Darla medicine time!" and I'm gone."
Jump In
"My pool is on fire."
"I was actually at a party where a guys pool caught fire he accidentally knocked a bottle of lighter fluid over and it drained into the pool without him noticing and later dropped his cigarette in and the water caught fire for like 10 seconds it was hilarious and terrifying thankfully nobody was in the pool at the time."
Cutoff...
Drunk Happy Hour GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"Too drunk, gotta get home before I forget how to,"
Now if we're all gonna be this ridiculous, we could just stay home. And now it's fashionable to ZOOM into parties anyway. See you from afar is more polite than exit, stage left. And bye Felicia.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.