Men Break Down The Weirdest Things Someone's Ever Said To Them After Sex
"Reddit user ella-es-julia asked: 'Men Break Down The Weirdest Things Someone's Ever Said To Them After Sex'"
People say the darndest things after -- and sometimes during -- lovemaking.
Maybe it's the euphoria.
Maybe it's the adrenaline.
Maybe it's the tequila.
It's always good to have a kind-hearted joke on hand or a generic compliment.
Or maybe just grab your belongings and skedaddle.
Redditor ella-es-julia wanted to hear about the craziest pillow talk stories, so they asked:
"Men of Reddit: What's the weirdest thing a girl said to you after sex?"
The weirdest I ever got was... "What city am I in again?"
Geography matters.
Morbid Much?
In Bed Home GIFGiphy"Met girl, went on date, brought girl home, had the sex, finished the sex, laying there she says 'What would you do if I died right now?' and demanded an actual answer."
Vixxay
Meow
"Not to me, but as she walked over to the bathroom after the deed, she said 'I just did your owner' to my cat. Sexiest thing that ever happened to me."
shlanky369
"My Fiancé and I were about to start going at it when the cat appeared from under the bed and stared at me. I went, 'Babe the cat is here. I don't like how he's staring at my boobs."
"Fiancé grabbed the cat and yeeted him into the hallway with the phrase, 'Get out you weird pervert.'"
"The cat proceeded to (without his claws) smack the door over and over again while screaming for a few minutes straight. Pervert."
Trumpet6789
POP!
"'I need you to take me to the hospital. Something is now bleeding and hurts.'"
"Turns out her ovarian cyst popped. We're still together with the running joke of sex so good it put her in the ER."
DasBatt
"Ah ah ah, 2 hemorrhagic cysts ruptured, I was bleeding internally, but only a little bit. I'm still impressed by how quickly you went from a naked sex stupor to being ready and carrying me to the car. Good times."
"In the ER when they asked me what happened all I could do was shout 'we were f**kin!' through my tears. That memory still makes me laugh."
Straystar-626
Damn it's Good
"We were going at it for some time then her face went instantly from 'damn it's good' to full-on crying. I stop, ask her what's wrong and she tells me 'I can't cheat on my boyfriend, it is wrong.'"
"So this is when I learned that the girl that I met on a dating website and that I started seeing 3 weeks before and that she told me she was single had a boyfriend for over 5 years. Got her to talk more, and she told me she was on the dating website to see if there were guys better than her boyfriend so she could end up with someone better."
"This was like 20 years ago, a coworker I have right now knows her (his girlfriend is like a distant relative of hers) and I learned she had 5 different boyfriends since then, cheated on all of them except the last one (for now). She was also a cam model in secret, one of the boyfriends was a high-paying customer."
draftstone
A Binding Contract
"'Pleasure doing sex business with ya.' We then shook hands."
"Still together 5 years later!"
Tatarstan
It's nice when people who have great sex make great partners.
And it all starts with a handshake.
Sleep on It
“'I don’t usually say this but, yeah, you can stay.'"
lennyukdeejay
"Did you high-five after that? Seems like that statement called for it."
EvilNinjaX24
"This is the best one."
TomKhatacourtmayfind
Tiny Dancer
"Not really weird but I slept with this girl while backpacking Asia, she was also a backpacker. After a bit of chillin'/talking, I got up to get dressed, she looked at my flaccid manhood and said 'You're quite shy when you're not excited.' I thought it was hilarious."
fleetwoodsackk
"That's a much better way to put it. My wife, when we were just dating and had moved in together and eventually saw it flaccid just said 'Aww, it's so little.' Thanks, hun, exactly what every guy wants to hear."
striker180
Fine!
"She said 'If I get pregnant I'm keeping it.' I was dumbfounded and when I didn't respond quickly enough she got really agitated like I had hurt her feelings and yelled 'Fine! You don't have to be involved if you don't want to!'"
"We had just met that night. My condom use skyrocketed after that night."
Fullyme
"When I was a poverty-stricken college student I was banging a girl who said, 'If you get me pregnant I’ll take you for everything you own.' I said, 'All I own is my bicycle. You want that?'”
OrwellWasRight101
Amen
"Best weird compliment I ever got was 'Damn boy, you f**k like the Devil!'"
"I married her, we still goin' at it."
BeBearAwareOK
Well, these certainly created some lasting relationships... or hilarious tales to tell their friends.
Do you have any stories to share? Let us know in the comments below.
The Absolute Worst Ways To Leave A 9-To-5 Job
Reddit user Nikhil_88 asked: 'What could be the worst way to leave a 9-5 job?'
We've all worked in jobs that have left us feeling a little less than fulfilled.
Where we spent more time at our desks or in our cubicles contemplating the best way to leave this job, rather than focusing on our work.
Of course, many people never actually go through with these fantasies, choosing instead to stay the course and suck it up for the paycheck.
Others, however, eventually come to decide enough is enough, and say sayonara to their soul-sucking jobs.
Sometimes, in a manner which is anything but dignified.
Redditor Nikhil_88 was curious to hear what people thought were the absolute worst ways to leave a job, leading them to ask:
"What could be the worst way to leave a 9-5 job?"
Alive Is Always Ideal...
"In an ambulance because you’re having a heart attack."- Amishoutkast
"In a coroners van."- _Daryl_Dixon_
Know Your Worth
"Without being paid."- a_jar_of_happiness
2 Chainz Pockets GIF by MOST EXPENSIVESTGiphyNot A Minute Too Soon...
"At 5:01."
"I enjoy my family time and don't get paid OT."- thatguy32503
Timing Is Everything
"One day before being eligible for a pension or large financial payout."- TheDadThatGrills
"At 5 and have to be back the next morning at 9."- Olorin919
See You Tomorrow GIF by South ParkGiphy"Family Guy style, "… and there's a poo on your desk"- roastedjam
"Diarrhea dripping on your legs."
"Huhuhu just please not this one."- sempaisempaisem
Happy Poop GIFGiphyEnding On A High Note Always Pays Off
"Maybe not the worst.....but the way I did it."
"Having a massive panic attack and meltdown, crying uncontrollably, and finally just getting in my car and driving home."
"It was NOT unprovoked."
"Nevertheless, I wish I had been able to handle it in a calmer manner."
"But I have PTSD and I don't always get to react the way I wish I could."- clumpypasta
"Maybe burn down the building."- DirectorLow7023
cinemagraph GIFGiphyNot The Legacy You Want To Leave
"In handcuffs?"- EnigmaCA
Stay Classy
“'F*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you, you’re cool, and f*ck you I’m out'.”- BrodaciousD
"Tell your boss to go f*ck him/her self then leave the premises (I have done this)."- darkheartshadows
Angry Season 4 GIF by The OfficeGiphyWhen you can actually start to feel your soul being sucked out of you, then it's probably time to move on.
Whenever that time comes, it is always a good idea to take the high road.
Or at least save the vitriol for the exit interview.
There are humane ways to tell someone to go home after a... liaison.
How can one be so rude after being so intimate?
I'm not saying you have to snuggle and profess love, but damn, a quick... "thanks, I hope life is kind to you" goes a long way.
Redditor sumyungdoodwanted to hear the tea about the times they had to tell a lover to take a hike. They asked:
"What is the worst way someones asked you to leave after sex?"
Tell me your worst. Mine our stories where I had find my clothes in the dark and sneak out naked.
Don't ask...
A Late Run
Tom Hanks Running GIFGiphy"Asked if he could drive my car to the gas station to buy cigarettes and when he came back he told me he left my keys in the car and it was running."
TopOcelot13
Beefed
"An old friend invited me over for her famous beef stew. I got there, we fool around, had sex, then right after she handed me a tupperware of the stew and said 'you got sex and stew, now please leave.' Still not sure if that's the worst way I was kicked out or the best."
TheRockMan31
"Most of the people here didn’t get stew. You did okay!"
livesarah
'is it that obvious'
"Went home with a girl from the bar. After we had sex, she said something like 'soooo... think you can get an Uber now? If not, I GUESS you can sleep on the couch for a few hours.' Here I was, sitting on some random girl's couch trying to find an Uber at 4 AM. Mercifully I did find one and when the guy picked me up he said 'so, your hookup kick you out?' I said 'is it that obvious' and he replied 'you weren't the first one I drove back to their car tonight and you probably won't be the last.'"
apocalypticradish
Yummy
Hungry Taco Bell GIFGiphy"Go grab some Taco Bell. You can eat it on your way home. Honestly it was better than the sex. And I don't even like Taco Bell that much."
Nobody_Wins_13
I hate Taco Bell. And since reading this... I hate people.
Mrs. Robinson?
Seduce Dustin Hoffman GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All TimeGiphy"She lit a cigarette, then looked at me for like 20 seconds, and said 'Well, bye.' I just got dressed and left. Never saw her again."
Rhalellan
And you are?
"While dozing off, he gently tapped my shoulder, and said: 'Maribel, you can’t stay here.'"
"My name is not Maribel."
tikkichik21
"See this is what happens when you don’t let people talk about Bruno."
Brendanlendan
Go
"He got off me and started looking at pictures of other women on Instagram, and commenting on how much more attractive they were than me and told me 'oh yeah you can go now.' We were best friends for like two years up until that moment."
Caramel_Cappucino
"I’m open minded but this is exactly why I often don’t trust male friendships. You could even be a lesbian and one moment of vulnerability they may take advantage of that. I know it’s unrelated but your experience made me upset and I’m sorry you had to go through that."
L8NiGHTFLiGHT
second time...
"He rolled over, grabbed his phone, and without even looking at me said 'find your clothes, you know where the door is' and just laid there on his phone ignoring me while I gathered my clothes and left. He tried texting me a few days later because he was drunk and horny so I told him 'you know where your hand is' and blocked him."
olivinemultichrome
Gross
Paris Hilton Reaction GIFGiphy"We were good friends for a few years before hooking up after a night of drinking."
"Halfway through sex he told me he can't actually do this because he wanted to get back with his ex and can't mess it up because she's the hottest girl he'll ever be with. He lived in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't leave until the morning so he made me sleep on the couch."
barontayto
POOF
"A girl I was FWBs with rolled over while still naked, farted in my direction, and told me to lock the front door on my way out."
gil_beard
"She blew you away."
"He was gone with the wind."
waitingfordeathhbu
Hold Me
"Asked me to stay and cuddle her until she falls asleep then leave because she didn't want me sleeping there, it was like 3 am."
chunk1X
"So this is what you do. Go ahead and cuddle her to sleep… then as you’re leaving as she asked you to, flip on the lights so you can see to get dressed and make sure you grab all your stuff and be loud as hell lol."
blonderaider21
Knock Knock
"Her kids started banging on the door and I hid in the closet until it was clear to go."
PeanutWingz
"One time I was canoodling with a young lady and was interrupted by a commotion in the other room. We look up and see her baby daddy standing in the doorway looking a bit miffed."
"Dude broke in through the kids bedroom window, tripped over the crib (baby was at grandma's thankfully) and walked in on us. It was POWERFULLY awkward. I got dressed with a full mast while being yelled at by a guy that looked like Justin Beiber if he was a juggalo. Thankfully no violence occurred, but man... what a night. I left my hat, too."
roachezmo
Enough.
Leaving Go Home GIF by VH1Giphy"5am at a random girls house I met at the club and we’re hooking up and I try to talk a little dirty and I go 'tell me what you want and it’s yours' and she goes “I want you to finish because I’m done and I’m tired.'"
Espo_92TTV
Excuse Me
"I was putting my heels back on and held out my hand for a little support because balance sucks… They go what do you want money?"
alt0bs
Hah, someone stuck their hand out at me with that 'give me money' gesture once after sex. I asked if she wanted money, and she said 'no you dip s**t, a high five.' In my defense, it was a strange way to offer a high five."
ecish
Nowhere
"'I'm sorry, but you'll have to catch a bus or something 'cause I've got work in the morning, so I can't drop you off.' The distance from the bar to her place was about 45 minutes. We went in her car. She told me this at about one in the morning, basically in the middle of freaking nowhere. Longest walk home ever, for very meh sex."
BagOfMeats
What & What?
"He was at my house, so he was the one leaving. 5 minutes of sex, he finished. I thought he was going to finish me next... nope. He gets up, starts putting his clothes on, and says (after a yawn), 'Well, I don't mean to skeet and yeet, but I better get home" Excuse me."
sadthiccy
On the Way
Just Do It Running GIF by RockyGiphy"Hey, can you be dressed and ready to go in like 5 minutes? My fiancé's plane already landed and I was supposed to pick him up half an hour ago.' Then she asked me which route was the fastest to get to the airport. This was more than 10 years ago and I still feel bad for that poor guy."
Stink_Fish_Pot
’yes, please’
"Met a girl on Tinder and we hit it off after speaking for 3 weeks or so. Went on a few dates and I really liked her. Think it was the 3rd date, I spent the night at hers and we had sex for the first time. It had been 3 or 4 month since I last had sex, and I really fancied this girl, so naturally I finished in about .3 of a second. Pretty embarrassing."
"I stayed the night but ended up waking up early, like 6 or 7am and looked over and saw her wide awake, with that look of ‘what have I done’ on her face. It felt really awkward so I just said ‘Do you want me to leave?’…’yes, please’ she said, instantly. I awkwardly got dressed, said goodbye and drove home, miserable, thinking I’d blown it."
"She phoned me later that day wondering when we were seeing each other next. Turns out she had been desperate for a shit and was scared to go with me there, so made me leave at 6am. We’ve been together 3 and half years now, engaged, and planning on getting married soon."
JHmackem
Wow. Some people are truly disgusting. How do you treat other humans this way?
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The shower. Your bed. A warm and comfy position on the couch. What do all of these things have in common? Once you get into them, you don't wanna get out.
Easy to enter, difficult to leave. Once you are in, you are in. And getting out isn't going to be the cakewalk that you want it to be. You are gonna have to do some work to get yourself away.
Redditor SingleFunction223 asked:
"What’s a place that is easy to enter, but difficult to leave?"
Love Your Elders
"Your grandparents' house. My grandpa has been gone since 1989 but I still remember what he would say as soon as we would get ready to gather our things to leave."
"He would say 'What’s your hurry? What’s your hurry?' I can almost hear him. I still miss him."-Traditional-Worth295
Human Maze
"My wife and son went to a corn maze that had a trivia question posted at every decision point. Based on your answer, the sign directed you which path to take."
"They were stuck in there for hours! They tried multiple answers at some point. Eventually, they could see the edge of the maze and they just busted out the side."-badwhiskey63
Oh My Gosh, How Are You?
"The store when your mom sees one of her friends and starts talking" - OwnerOfABrainCell
Excuse Me, Clear Out
"Apparently my house if you are a moth."-Midnight_grizz
"I open the door, point to it, and ask them repeatedly to leave. This works a surprising amount of the time."
"My mates didn’t believe me till New Years Day, then they all just stared at me after 4 flies left the house. I don’t know why they leave when I ask, but they do. Have you tried asking them?"-keytherz
We've All Been There, And Never Allowed To Leave
"Apparently malls in my dreams."
"Whenever I enter 1 in my dreams, I Instantly know I'm fucked. Only hope is finding someone familiar or conscious (idk why all the people in my malls are just black blobs)" - Duck_with_a_Sandal
Everyone, Remember Where We Parked!
"A large parking lot. 20 mins to find your car followed by a maze to find your way out." - jujublackkkk
Can We Go Already?
"A friend of your moms house. “Time to go!” Twenty minutes later, their still saying their good byes" - Fnaf_and_anime_weeb
These things will wrap you in their warm embrace and never let you go....ever.
It's A Downhill Trajectory
"Poverty."-flossgoat2
"Plenty of people don’t realise how flimsy it all is. One or two mistakes and you can find yourself in a financial situation that’s going to take years to escape."-ElMothMan
"In the US, it doesn’t even have to be a mistake. Just get sick or injured enough, and you could have done everything right for decades. It’ll all be wiped out in months."-asianpeterson
The Furniture Void
"Furniture stores, but--There are a few tricks to IKEA. For one, you can enter from the register side and directly go into the area where you pick up your boxes."
"Ideal if you already know what you're getting as you can skip the showroom maze."
"Secondly, the employees have to get around easily too, so even when you do go into the showroom, look around a bit."
"There are shortcuts everywhere. They're not marked very well as the company wants you to walk past everything, but they're there."-NMe84
The Descent
"Underwater caves (specifically without cave training/gear). The water is air clear, so it's very inviting. Super easy to go just a bit too far."
"Once you're in, there are a lot of ways to die. You can take a turn down a side passage without realizing it, stir up the bottom with poor technique, have a light failure without proper backups, stay too long and not reserve enough gas for exit, get stuck, have an unfixable reg failure without redundancy, etc."
"Lots of really experienced open water divers have kicked the bucket in caves. Sometimes they were right near the exit, they just didn't have the training or gear to get there."
"Cave diving is awesome, but you have to be prepared for it, and your PADI DM cert will just make you more confident as you swim to your death."-helodriver87
Welcome To The Hotel California
"I’ve dealt with a lot of addicts in my family. The only thing that I’ve ever seen get them on the right path is nearly dying or being told they’ll die if they continue."
"It doesn’t matter how much they harm their loved ones. It doesn’t matter how much strain they put on all of those around them."
"It doesn’t matter to them that they scare the f**k out of their little brother. It’s sickening. Don’t do meth."-JustinWendell
Even if you want to exit these things, it's going to be a fight to get away for real and for true.
They Got You, They Have You
"The Marine Corps"
"Good luck getting that TRS done when it’s only offered on another base. Or final physical. Even if you get all that done you gotta deal with admin and pray they don’t lose your paperwork." - justarandomguy61
The USA Making Life Easy As Usual
"Mexico, if you're entering from the United States."
"Seriously, you can just walk into Mexico whenever you want, but leaving you have to wait in a very long line and get your passport checked and sometimes your car/bags searched even if you got nothing illegal going on..."
"I love Mexico, but man, going back into the States is always a hassle lol."-miss_noodle02
You Don't Know What To Do
"Any kind of abusive relationship, especially if you’re young and don’t have much experience." - awake-but-dreamin
The Benefits Are Too Good To Walk Away From
"An easy great-paying job, but at the end of the day it sucks your soul away and changes you as a person." - offspring3000
American Horror Story: Nobody Believes You
"Notoriously, mental institutions. Once you've convinced someone you're a psychopath, it's nearly impossible to convince the staff otherwise."-SemKleeven
"Wasn't there an actor who spent some time in s psychiatric hospital for a little bit, and the crew had to get him out because they wouldn't let him go?"-SturfandTings
"Brad Pitt, read this on Quora just the other day."-Moistery_Machine
Volunteer Your Time Or Your Life?
"Any kind of volunteering. For me it is teaching children's church. Once you start there is no easy exit. Girl scout leader, flag football coach, company birthday planner .. idk .. just about any volunteer gig."-henriettaroxs
"Can confirm, I volunteered at a youth house and the number of volunteers kept dropping, I couldn't abandon it or otherwise it would have to cease their operations. It wore me down and dragged my mental state down with it."-TradesSexForFood
It's not always a bad thing that something can enrapture you so easily once you are in it, but exercise caution and agency when approaching any of these things.
Otherwise you might just find that you've let a ton of time go by stuck in it--and what good is a life stuck in anything?
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People Who Ran Away Without A Word Explain Why They Left Everything Behind
Sometimes, things get so bad that a person just needs to go.
There's no time for ceremonial goodbyes, waiting for apologies and granting forgiveness, nor waiting any longer hoping for change.
A person might leave fast because things have become so dire it would be unsafe to not slip out in secret.
Or perhaps, leaving suddenly and in one motion is the only way a person can feel what they need to feel in order to actually go through with what's best for them.
Some Redditors talked about the times they shot out the door and never turned their heads.
tya_the_Lawyer asked, "Those who packed up and ran away/moved out without saying anything, how did you do it and why?"
Good Old Dad
"I left an abusive boyfriend without saying anything."
"I didn't have a car so I had some people help me move stuff out over a period of a few days."
"My dad came by with a trailer and got the rest of my stuff. He called me when he got home and I told him I was done."
"Blocked him in my phone and on social media."
-- Ginger_Chick
Long Term Investing
"I left a house of roommates when I was in college because they were breaking into my locked room and I once found drugs on my dresser after one of their parties. Waited till they went home for Thanksgiving break, and out the door I went."
"Everything in the house belonged to me besides what was in their own bedrooms. Went to a nice 1 bedroom apt with only me to worry about. I had cleared it with the landlord first, just hadn't told the roommates."
"I wasn't worried about rent because only three of us were on the lease with about 10 people living there, and only the three were paying all the bills."
"It was worth every penny to eat the cost of breaking the lease early."
-- contenttob
Bounced Around, But Better
"I was moving away from my extremely abusive mom. I packed 2 bags, threw them out of my window, bought plane tickets for me & my kid, and had my cousin pick me up & take me to the airport."
"I told my mom we were going to pound (a drum class thing) with my cousin. I blocked my entire family, and talked to my best friend and my sister (who I was flying to)."
"Eventually I checked my phone and unblocked my family. They were all screaming at me trying to find out where I was."
"I called the police and told them what was going on in case they tried to file a missing person case. I was terrified. I was sad. But my life is so much different now."
"I didn't stay with my sister long. Less than a month before her grandma kicked me out. Now I'm living in a different place, in my own apartment, with my own things."
"My kid is happy and not seeing abuse every day. I'm in therapy. I'm still struggling. There are things we need that I definitely can't afford. But I'm doing 100x better than I was in January."
A Good Support System = Friends + Trucks
"Realized how abusive my partner was when he finally escalating to hitting me. Then he tried telling me I 'wasn't allowed' to just throw out our relationship without giving him a chance."
"Nope. I've seen that Lifetime made for TV movie ..."
"...so I played nice until he left for work the next day, called up and old friend who showed up within like 2 hours with his 2 roommates and a truck, and left without so much as a note."
"Thank God for good friends."
A Brief and Worthy Case of Car Jacking
"Abusive relationship that was escalating. Escaped while he was at work."
"He had two cars and obviously only took one to work - I did not have a car, we lived in the absolute middle of nowhere where I knew no one, and he had convinced me to get on the same credit card account with him and would revoke my access when he was mad with me."
"In short, he expected me to be stuck without recourse."
"A friend bought me a plane ticket. I drove myself to the airport in the second car."
"Sent him a picture of the car with the parking spot number visible (so he could come get it) right as I was boarding the plan with the word single word: 'Bye.'"
"I was homeless/couch surfing for a little bit after that. Could have gone really, really bad. Life is good now."
A Hell of an Afternoon
"First husband wasn't a bad person but he was a lousy husband. I was lonely and isolated and basically a housemaid who paid the bills, and had been moving out 'in my head' for some time."
"We were at an actual social event for once and somehow he decided that I made a joke at his expense (I hadn't) so he wasn't talking to me. He was a pro at the silent treatment."
"I figured that since I was buying and cooking and washing up and cleaning and doing the yard work and laundry for two people while unhappy, it would be much easier doing it for one person, whether happy or otherwise."
"I left my rings on the front hall table, called a friend with a van, and was gone by noon. Had a new PO Box, bank account, and apartment by 3pm."
-- Flahdagal
Finding Something Better
"Had an abusive boyfriend. I waited until he went to work and packed a few of my things thinking the rest didn't matter as long as I had my life."
"I called a close friend who had said if there was ever anything he could do for me...guess who paid for my plane ticket."
"He is now my fiancé and I've never been in a better relationship."
Steer Clear of Drama
"I was living in a 2 bedroom condo with my landlord in the other room. I am gay, he's gay, and he has a boyfriend."
"The boyfriend started trying to guide me toward having sex with him, especially when my landlord wasn't there."
"I just went to bed every time he did it, didn't say anything, found another apartment, gave 1 month's notice, and moved out suddenly without warning 3 days later. I do not f*** around with that sh**."
A Private Victory
"When I was about 6 or 7, my mum and I got into a fight (I think I just wasn't getting enough attention), I was so upset I packed a bag and left."
"I only made it about 2 blocks, hung out at another apartment complex for a few hours, then thought better of it and came home. No one noticed 🙄"
-- brooke_157
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