"What's the best joke you know?"
Car Humor
"A lot of people tell me I’ve got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time."- SweetAndSourSymphony
Wait For It...
"This reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery."
"He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down."
"'Do you think I could stay the night?'"
"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car'."
"As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound."
"A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before."
"The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind."
"He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound."
"The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you'."
"You're not a monk'."
"Distraught, the man is forced to leave."
"Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again."
"The monks reply, 'We can't tell you'."
"'You're not a monk'.”
"The man says, 'If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk'."
"The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand'."
"When you find these answers, you will have become a monk'."
"The man sets about his task."
"After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery."
"A monk answers."
"He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."
"'In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for'."
"By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change."
"Only God knows what you ask."
"All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
"The monks reply, 'Congratulations'."
"'You have become a monk'."
"'We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.'"
"The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is beyond that door'."
"The monks give him the key, and he opens the door."
"Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone."
"The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby."
"And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond."
"Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold."
"The sound has become very clear and definite. "
"The monks say, 'This is the last key to the last door'."
"The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! "
"With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open."
"Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......"
"But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk."- 2TicketsToFlavorTown
Are You Kidding Me Alyssa Edwards GIF by NETFLIXGiphyBoat Humor
"Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards?"
"Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."- hoooligans
Super Funny
"Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says 'you know, last week, I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window'."
"The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar."
"The second guy says, 'What, are you nuts?'"
"'There's no way that could happen'."
"'No, it's true'," the first man says."
"'Let me prove it to you'."
"He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below."
"As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar."
"He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished."
"'You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke'."
"'No, I'll prove it again,'" says the first man as he jumps again'."
"Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window."
"Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it."
"'Well, why not', the second guy says, 'It works'."
"'I'll try it'."
"He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors, and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT."
"Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, 'You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk'."
Man Of Steel Ok GIFGiphyOops!
"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?"
"The taste."- vietbond
Um...
"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?"
"Because they're really good at it."
Nick Offerman Thumbs Down GIF by NBCGiphyWhat time is it after you're done reading these jokes?
It might not be time to laugh, because some of these jokes are NOT funny.
Only kidding...
I don't have anything off the top of my head. Help!
The waiter replies...
Big Brother Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Jean-Paul Sartre sits down in a cafe. The waiter comes over and Sartre says 'I'd like a cup of coffee with no cream, please.' The waiter replies, 'I'm sorry, monsieur, but we are out of cream. How about a cup of coffee with no milk?'"
DiogenesCantPlay
Oh the Farmer...
"A farmer challenges an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician to fence off the largest amount of area using the least amount of fence. The engineer makes his fence in a circle and said it is the most efficient. The physicist makes a long line and says that the length is infinite, and that fencing half of the Earth is the best."
"The mathematician thinks for a minute, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and says 'I declare myself to be outside of the fence.'"
binglebongled
Infinite
"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one asks for a beer. The second one asks for half a beer. The third one asks for 1/4 of a beer. Before the next one can open his mouth, the bartender pours two beers and walks away."
diamond
Fire Breaks Out
"A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician or going on a trip. They go to a hotel and each get separate rooms. The mathematician can’t sleep and is looking out his window at the other two rooms. Suddenly a fire breaks out in the chemists room!"
"The smoke alarm wakes him, he sees the fire and he thinks about the chemical reactions at play. Knowing the reaction needs air he throws a blanket over the fire and puts it out. The mathematician is relieved. Suddenly, another fire breaks out but in the engineer’s room! The engineer is awoken and thinks about the proper way to handle it."
"He finds the correct fire extinguisher and correctly uses it to put out the fire. Again, the mathematician is relieved. The mathematician is tired and about to go to bed when all of a sudden a fire breaks out in his own room! Knowing that there are multiple solutions to the problem, the mathematician feels at ease and goes to bed."
latinomartino
Old Pavie...
Well Done Applause GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Here's an old one..."
"Pavlov was at the pub having a drink. A bell rang. Wide-eyed and alarmed, Pavlov stood up and exclaimed, 'Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dogs!'"
impolite_zebra
Pavlov never gets old. And dogs are always funny.
Eww...
Disgusted Steve Carell GIFGiphy"Some Germans are out drinking one night. As they’re walking home, one can’t hold it anymore and starts peeing on a tree."
"A woman walks by and says, 'gross!'"
"The guy says thank you."
K8isEnough
Werner
"While out driving, Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the police for speeding. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going when I pulled you over?'"
"Werner replies 'No, but I know exactly where I was.'"
"The cop says 'You were driving 90 miles an hour.'"
"Werner replies 'Oh great! now we're lost!'"
proximalfunk
Time passes...
"A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting in a street café watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people entering the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leaving the house. The physicist says, 'The measurement wasn't accurate.' The biologist says, 'They must have reproduced.' The mathematician says, 'If one more person enters the house then it will be empty.'"
damargemirad
Peanuts
"I got so drunk in the bar last night things started talking to me. The peanuts said I was lovely and then the cigarette machine called me a prick. I asked the barman what's going on? He said the peanuts were complimentary and the cigarette machine was out of order."
chillywilly00
Words
Golden Girls Lol GIF by HULUGiphy"I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible."
demanbmore
much less seven...
"An engineer and a mathematician attend a lecture on advanced physics. As the lecture goes on, the mathematician smiles and nods and the engineer becomes more and more agitated. The mathematician notices the engineer’s consternation and asks what’s wrong."
“'I just don’t understand how you can follow along while the lecturer blathers on about seven dimensional space. I have trouble imagining more than three, much less seven.'” The mathematician replies, “'Well it’s really easy. Just imagine an n-dimensional space and let n equal 7.'”
Spacewolf1
We got it!
"A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting and as they are hiding in the bushes they see a deer 70 feet ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up five feet to the left of his target. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up five feet to the right of the deer. The statistician shouts, 'We got it!'"
themattboard
Yell Back
"Guy yells to a stranger across the river, 'I need to get to the other side.' Stranger yells back... 'You are on the other side.'"
thestonez
"Similarly, if a stranger mistakes you for someone they know and say 'Oh, I thought you were someone else' the best reply is 'I am.'"
LazyDynamite
"My name's River and boy do I wish people would stop yelling at me!"
ReviLogic
Type of?
rabbit playing GIFGiphy"A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The attendant asks if they know their blood type. The rabbit looks at the other two and answers first, 'I’m probably a type-o.'"
eadgster
Newton
"Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square."
"When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, 'Ha, I've found you, Newton!' Newton however replies, 'No you haven't! You've found Pascal!' And where's Heisenberg? We don't know."
iamtheoneorgasmatron
Infinite
"An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders one fourth of a beer. The fourth one orders one eight of a beer. Then the barman snaps and says 'okay, I see how it is! Here's two beers; you split them and leave me out of this!'"
MegawackyMax
Lessons in School
"When I was at school we were given lessons on how not to be racist, the teacher stood me up and said 'now, I want you to use the words 'Foreigner' and 'contagious' in the same sentence without being racist.' For a moment I pondered and replied 'My neighbor's a foreigner, he's trying to paint his house but he's only got a 2-inch brush, it's going to take the contagious.'"
Fuzzwuzzle2
He orders one beer...
"A beta tester walks into a bar. Jumps into a bar. Runs into a bar. Flies into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Rolls into a bar. Teleports into a bar. He orders one beer. Two beers. Three beers. Zero beers. Minus one beers. One million beers. He leaves the bar through the door. Through the window. Through the wall. Through the ceiling. Through the floor. Another man walks into the bar and it breaks."
Macaroni-N-Beans
Perfect Landing
Channel 9 Reaction GIF by Married At First SightGiphy"Ok, so a physicist, an engineer, and a statistician are out golfing. The physicist does some calculations, hits the ball, and lands three feet short of the hole. The engineer takes the physicist's calculations, adds a fudge factor for drag, hits the ball, and lands three feet long off the hole. The statistician yells 'HOLE IN ONE!'"
Robbylution
A good working with words is always a smart choice.
Want to "know" more?
Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
Never miss another big, odd, funny or heartbreaking moment again.
When one must toot....
Baby Fart GIFGiphyMy father's funeral... my daughter was 3 months old and have a lot of belly pain... she farted so loudly that the priest needed to stop talking for us to stop laughing...
He even told us that the church was a serious place, and if we couldn't behave to get out.. I told him the deceased was my father, and I couldn't control my daughter's farts.
Into the Casket
My mother and father went to a funeral of one of mother's aunts that she was not close too, in fact my father had never met her. As they stood at the open casket my father said to my mother " she just doesn't look like herself" again my father had never seen the aunt before. For whatever reason this struck my mother as very funny and she started laughing, she held her hands to her face and ran from the casket. Her sisters saw this and thought she distraught and followed her out to console her. Where my mother had to explain that she was laughing and not crying and why. She was so pissed at my father it was hilarious.
Oh Wanda
Visiting my Grandmothers grave with my grandfather for the first time a few years ago. Expected tears and a solemn day. Instead we passed a grave marked "Wanda" and my grandfather said "Well I wanda what killed her?" none of us could stop laughing, my grandmother would have loved it.
God is Warmth
jesus deal with it GIFGiphyAt a funeral, the pastor kept referring to God as "The Great Comforter" and all I could think of was a tacky bedspread glowing with holy light. Every time he said it my giggles got worse to the point I had to pretend I was crying really hard and left to hide in the bathroom.
Hey Dot
When I was in my early twenties my great aunt, who we weren't close with, passed away. At the wake, my mom and I went up to pay our respects and I said "I haven't seen Aunt Dot in thirty years" which made my mom start laughing which in turn made me start laughing uncontrollably. Thankfully it was a packed funeral parlor and no one seemed to notice.
The Kebab Stand
In High school there was three religion courses you could pick: catholic, evangelic (edit: I'm told it's protestant in English) or neutral. You would have different topics in class and different destinations on the yearly trip. I picked catholic and on the yearly trip we went to a monastery. On the third day one of the exercises was to talk about death, so there's 20 kids in a circle of chairs and everyone's crying because everyone lost a loved one at some point and death is a hard topic.
The teacher starts talking about how she imagines death to be like and begins to tell: "I imagine after dying there to be a long long spiral staircase. And you go down and down until there's a door and behind that door..." The rest I didn't hear because my friend next to me whispers: "A damn kebab-stand" We both sat there giggling for like 20 more minutes until the meeting was over. To this day I feel really bad.
Let me clear my throat....
I had this really nice but really awkward physics teacher in high school. He was a large nerdy man but spoke with a lisp and a very soft voice. Imagine the guy from office space asking for his stapler, that's how he sounded. One day he is giving his lesson and mid sentence he goes from this voice to what sounded like satan himself. "Ok class please (deep hell voice) TAKE OUT YOUR BOOKS, cough cough erm... excuse me must have something in my throat."
Then continued like nothing happened. I could not, for the life of me stop freaking laughing and I was the only freaking one. It was the most bizarre and freaking hilarious thing I had ever seen. I had to walk out of the class to catch my composure. This was at least 15 years ago now and I'll never forget it.
Relish?
happy dance GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphyNot me, but my friend. She was getting fired from her job, and all she could think about was "What'll it be fellas? Mustard, or ketchup?" from the Spongebob Squarepants movie.
God's Curse
In school we did a course on mythology and had a project where we had to write our own mythological stories for the creation of creatures/places/etc.
One kid wrote a story about how a man was abusing his horse, so the Gods cursed him. One day his horse threw him onto spear which went through the back of his head and out of his forehead, and he transformed into the first unicorn.
I couldn't freaking stop laughing for a solid 5 minutes. The teacher berated me for laughing at violence but the kid and I both thought that was funny as hell.
Peace Out
Funeral GIF by memecandyGiphyMy Grandad had "If you don't know me by now" played as the curtains closed at his funeral.
Shouldn't have laughed. Couldn't help it. Legend.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.