Those roasts have been the breeding ground for some of our families biggest laughs because fam there is nothing funnier than a 6 year old calling you "Chicken nugget toes" like it's the most scandalous and life-changing bit of shade you're ever going to hear.
One Reddit user asked:
What is the greatest G-rated insult you've ever heard?
and yeah - kids are roastmasters. They're not the only ones capable of dropping a devastating one liner, though. Check out some of these absolute insult bombs that prove it doesn't needed to be raunchy to be relentless.
Fearsome Four
When my daughter was about 4, we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath. My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot. She didn't even look up and said "I think you have enough on your back to cover that."
- TrishiaH
My 4 year old once climbed into my lap, sweetly put her hand on my face and said "Is this supposed to be some kind of beard or something? " with just the right bewildered inflection to really make me question both my masculinity and my personal grooming choices.
Keepin' It Spicy
GIF by TLC EuropeGiphy"If she was a spice, she'd be flour."
- _Fengo
Pretty much the same as "You unseasoned chicken wing".
"You single-layer lasagne"
Directions!
When my granddaughter was 10, she stayed home sick from school one day, and I burned some accrued leave to watch her. Around lunchtime, she felt well enough for mac-n-cheese, so I grab a box from the cupboard and start scanning each side. This took a while, but I found the very small print, and say, "Oh, good! Directions!"
Without missing a beat, she says, "You'll need them."
- cmd_iii
Non-Essential
My brother once drunkenly called someone a non-essential vitamin.
In medicine non essential vitamins get filtrated and send up been urine. Often when we see people buying lots of vitamins the comment is " I bloody bet is going to be an expensive wee"
- ramm1405
Okay, this one cracked me up. Your brother is far more creative of a linguist drunk than I am sober.
Hahaha I love that. 'you're like a non-essential vitamin, some people like having you but when you actually look into you realise nobody needs you there and you don't help anything, you're just kind of there... Which is like all of us but you think you're an essential vitamin. You're a non-essential vitamin with the mindset of an essential vitamin'
God you could kill someone with that.
- -Meggem-
It Isn't
Ashton Kutcher Burn GIFGiphyMy daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show.
Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too?
Son: no i dont have a talent.
Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing.
Son: no it isn't.
Burn
Regret Management
Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn't it?
- El_CM
Reading this hurt my feelings. I need to re-evaluate.
This wasn't even pointed at me, and I feel attacked.
Agreed with this one, and then realized it was an insult.
Babyrage
My oldest daughter called me Captain Hook when she was 3. She had run off to her room in a fit of rage and apparently that was the worst insult she could she come up with. Definitely a moment where I tried to hide the fact that I was laughing.
- krnoel
Every time my brother was mad my mother told him he was precious. So in a fit of rage he yelled YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS! AND YOU'RE PRECIOUS!" before storming off lol
A Wooden Onesie
Good old England, throwing out the classics. I once heard someone refer to a coffin in the most spectacular way in a sentence something like "Yer mum looks older than my Nan and she's in a wooden onesie."
In Brazil we have "wooden coat". And when someone dies some people say they "buttoned their coat"
Festive Family Ties
You look like someone whose family tree is a wreath.
I thought this was about Christmas trees for a minute... Why make fun of people who are too poor for a tree??
Oh. Wait...
- moo4mtn
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People Confess The Most Soul-Crushing Thing Someone's Ever Said To Them
It's a fact of life that people can be brutal. Whether it's because a person is downright cruel or because he or she is drunk or angry, they can say some awful things.
My Indian aunt once mistakenly thought a cousin of mine was my daughter and told me American teenagers were trashy and stupid. I don't talk to that aunt anymore...
There is never an excuse to be that cruel, but that doesn't stop people from behaving that way.
Curious about this, Redditor Brilliant-End9428 asked:
No Excuse For Cruelty
"Mum's (59) boyfriend got mega drunk a few weeks back, told her that he was "only with her because he pitied her""
"Drunk or not, she wasn't having that. Back to being single."
– astrielx
Worst SIL Ever
"My sister-in-law was joking about how there aren't any male children that will "carry on the family name" when she knows full well that I lost my son at birth."
– otherm0ther
Wrong Reason To Have A Child
""You were our last attempt to save the marriage""
"Thanks, mom. Glad to know I was a failure straight out of the gate."
– Papa_Smurf87
Their Loss
""You're too ugly to buy ice cream from." - Some b**ch to me @ 15"
– Dividebynegativezero
Undeserving Of Being A Father
"When I was 11 my father (who I hadn't seen in 5 years b/c of divorce) showed up at a family Christmas and calmly asked me to not call him 'dad' b/c his new kids didn't know I existed."
– marshfield00
Grandmas Shouldn't Have Favorites
"I was 7 or 8 and I told my grandmother I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up. She told me I would never be smart enough and that I'd be lucky to one day be my cousin's house cleaner."
"My cousin was her favorite grandchild."
"I'm 32 and I still remember it so vividly."
– Jackie_13
ATM
"I hope you realize I'm only using you for your money"
--warlordwinters
No Good Reason For Saying This
"My grandmother and grandfather told 7yr old me if my mom kills herself and my dad dies in Afghanistan they would rather see me rot on the streets than taking me in"
– sugarhornyicetea
How Did She Keep Her Job?
"not to me, but to three of my friends in middle school. i attended a semi high-end school, and you would expect that the school counselor would be pretty good. hell no."
"the first friend reported a table of boys, with names, that were joking around and casually using racist and sexist slurs. she had VIDEO EVIDENCE, with clear audio of the boys saying those things. the counselor said “there’s nothing i can do about that.”"
"second friend was being sexually harassed by some boys. they were grabbing her shoulders and arms, making inappropriate jokes, completely violating her personal space, and generally making her very uncomfortable. the school counselor responded with the most horrible thing i think i’ve heard. “boys will be boys.”"
"third friend (not exactly a full friend but i knew her through my other friend) sent a LITERAL SUICIDE NOTE to my friend, saying she planned to kill herself by jumping in front of the school bus on its way to pick her up. he freaked out (they’re very close friends) and immediately told his mom, who notified the school counselor, and did all the necessary things. my friend ended up convincing her not to do it, and she was obviously sent to the counselor the next day. two times, and then she didn’t visit again (not by her choice, but by the counselor’s), and my friend gave her more counseling than the professional counselor ever did. we were almost dealing with a suicide, and she didn’t even care."
"i wish i would have reported her to the school board. she was so insensitive and fucking sucked."
– AA4AAAAA
Mountain Out Of A Molehill
"I was driving on the highway the other day and there was a really sharp exit. I apparently cut someone off even after properly signaling and moving to the lane to turn right. They followed me into the parking lot and as I got out of my car they said “you piece of sh*t, you asshole, you deserve every bad thing that’s going to come to you and you deserve to die”. Afterwards, they stormed off."
– KPenguinM
Ignorance At Its Best
"That I am carrying the balck plague because I have asthma... middle school was something else"
– Maximum_Calendar_791
Scarring
"When I was 9 ish, take or lose a year, I was flying to see my family as an unaccompanied minor, meaning I was flying alone. I had done it before, totally not a big deal, but this guy was on the plane while I was getting in. A big man in a suit with a clipboard. He said “wow, you’re a pretty girl! You could be a model! … well, maybe after some plastic surgery.” That comment has never left me."
– TheWolf122
Eeeew!
"Working in retail I have heard some stuff come out of people's mouth but the 1 that stands out is from an elderly man commenting to me about some good looking ladies walking around the shop and he says to me "hey she's nice isn't she?" I said "she's looks young like underage young" and he replied "well young skin will stretch" I was just shocked at what he said as he walked off."
– ChosenSean91
How Rude!
"I have a long list, but when my mother told my boyfriends mom “that I would be a perfect housewife.” This was when I tried to go to college."
– Ok-Mission-2440
Favoritism Is Disgusting
"Had a great great aunt who lived through the Great Depression (she was muy old). At Christmas she would give presents and it was clear she would give gifts based on how much she liked you or not."
"Oldest brother got a nice scarf and hat, I got a decent hat and my other brother got a 10 year old calendar with a coffee stain on it. She really didn’t like him. He tried to be nice to her and the one day said hello to her and she replied with “where’s the one I love?” in reference to my oldest brother."
"She was a rotten old bag."
– PoppaUU
Someone Is Emotionally Stunted
"At my father's funeral. I was 18. Me and my family were at the front row of the room, nearest to the casket, so from behind people couldnt see our faces. After the ceremony, I can't remember exactly who it was, probably an uncle, told me how strong and 'a man' I was for not crying."
"I did cry, of course I did. I guess he didn't see me cry. I didn't really register it at the time, said "thanks" and didn't think much about it."
"Years later I realized how messed up that was. Who goes to someone after they lost a family member and expects them to not cry? To give compliments if they didn't show emotions? To not care enough to shed a tear? Why shouldn't I cry at my dad's funeral? What the f*ck???"
– Pea-Nut2
No Words
"when I was 10 a girl came up to me and said "you're very veiny, can I pop one?" I dont know what the fck she was meaning by 'pop' one but I never talked to her again."
– Deleted User
Joke's On Him
"Not me but my choir teacher."
"When he was in the 12 grade his band teacher said to him the he was "worthless and that he would grow up to be a failure""
"That teacher was wrong, cuz my choir teacher had been teaching band and choir for over 20 years and he's pretty good at it."
– Deleted User
That's Not How It Works
"Just dont be depressed. Like bro..."
– SpeakablePerson
No matter who it was that said something that cruel to you, know that you deserve better (and that it might be time to cut someone out of your life).