We've all known someone who tends to say mean things or generally be kind of a jerk.
And whether we want to admit to it or not, it can be fun to see that jerk taken down a few notches with a solid insult.
Ready for roasting, Redditor depressed_jellybear asked:
"What's the best insult you've ever heard?"
Not Your Mom
"When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical 'your mom' response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died."
"Without missing a beat, the teacher said, 'Leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
- HopeDeferred
Adoption Jokes Not Welcome
"I was playing 'Pavlov' (a virtual reality game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like, 'You're bad because you're adopted,' and stuff like that."
"He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like, 'I'd return the insult, but that'd imply someone wanted you.'"
"Had the whole lobby erupting. I don't know if it's taken from somewhere or what."
- ClaireBear13492
Underestimated by the Teacher
"Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:"
"'You make it really difficult to underestimate you.'"
"The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment."
- robbycakes
Jeez, Dad.
"16-year-old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see 'American Pie':"
"Dad: So what is it about?"
"Me: A group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity."
"Dad: I can stay home and see that."
- Theromented1
Based on Real Life
"I once asked my cousin if he watched the tv show 'Desperate Housewives,' and he said, 'No, I’m married to one."
- InourbwotamI
The Joke Will Go On
"I remember when 'Titanic' came out. My grandma, my mom, and I were getting ready to see it."
"My grandpa said, 'Don’t know what the fuss is about. I can tell you what happens, the boat sinks. The end.'"
"Lol (laughing out loud). Maybe it was his delivery, but it cracked me up."
- a7xbarbie
So, Anyway...
"The best one I've heard was, ''I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.'"
- scottcree486
Seems Pretty Complicated
"I overheard someone tell someone else, They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes."
- thepiecesaremoving
An Insult for an Insult
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
- Trick-Reveal-463
"And I have the best response for that: 'Well then, I will pray for your health.'"
- Maria_506
New Take on the Clown Car
"I saw a bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line."
"The bouncer quipped, 'I can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.'"
- preferablyoutside
Signs of Aging
"Some bouncers are brilliantly witty, I assume it comes with working in a job where you have to deal with drunk a**holes all the time."
"A few years ago, I got IDed to enter a bar. I'd recently started buzzing my hair due to hair loss, yet my photo driving license had me with a thick full head of hair from several years before."
"The bouncer looked at the card, then me, and then said, 'Haven't you forgotten something?'"
"I was confused. He then showed his colleague, who nodded and said, 'Yeah mate, you've definitely forgotten something.'"
"Then he pointed to his head."
- Squeaky_Lobster
Good Luck Getting a Job
"You've got a face for radio, and a voice for writing."
- mike_e_mcgee
Girl Quips
"From 'Golden Girls':"
"Blanche: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms."
"Sofia: You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"
- LissaMasterofCoin
Randomness Wins
"Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds."
- TheRoamingWeeb
While it can feel terrible to need to be around negative people sometimes, there's hope knowing that there are some things we can say that are funny and that will relatively put them in their place.
Now if only some of us could think of the comeback at the moment when it's useful...
My mom's side of the family all have PhD's in backhanded complimenting. I grew up getting things like:
"Oh my goodness would you look at those grades! You must work so hard! Your mom is so lucky, my daughter doesn't try hard at anything - not even her modeling career! Sure, she's gorgeous - but look at how much you try!"
Or my personal favorite: "You'll be so beautiful once you start to look more like your mother."
Insults Are An Art
[rebelmouse-image 18356474 is_animated_gif=Admit it, there are times you really want to just look someone in the eye and let loose a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush. Unfortunately, that's not always possible. That doesn't mean you can't let a person know exactly how little you think of them. Reddit got together to answer a hugely important question:
What's your best non-swearing insult?
Let's Get Shakespearean
[rebelmouse-image 18356475 is_animated_gif=My favorite Shakespearean insult is - "Could you ask your mother to stop barking? It is keeping me awake."
Honourable mentions include "would you were clean enough to spit upon!"; "Come out you sheep lovers!"; "If you spend word for word with me, i shall make your wit bankrupt."; "Thou hath not so much brain, as ear wax."; "Thou wilt fall backwards when thou hast more wit"
And finally, "Come thou tedious fool. To the purpose."
This sounds like something Snape would say
[rebelmouse-image 18356476 is_animated_gif=There was this incredibly snotty kid I went to high school with. He was bright, but not exceptionally bright. His parents were wealthy and he was good enough to qualify for AP classes so he felt special. He couldn't help but let everyone else know how special he was... Our AP history teacher told him that he would "see how painfully average" he was when he got to college. It was great.
The lyrical burn
[rebelmouse-image 18356477 is_animated_gif=Adapted from Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street",
I wish that for a moment you could stand in my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you
Yeah, that means you're stupid.
[rebelmouse-image 18356478 is_animated_gif="As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"
The classy shutdown
[rebelmouse-image 18356479 is_animated_gif=Thank you for your input. (Then change the subject.)
An insult or a compliment, you decide. Literally.
[rebelmouse-image 18356480 is_animated_gif=One that stuck in my head from a similar thread years ago. I think it was posted by somebody in the food service industry who had to be pleasant with someone who was clearly being a d*ck. "I hope your day is as pleasant as you are"
Wait... ouch
[rebelmouse-image 18356483 is_animated_gif=You're impossible to underestimate.
From the mouth of babes
[rebelmouse-image 18346617 is_animated_gif=When my friend and I were about 5 years old, I was being a twat and sitting at the top of the slide just so he couldn't use it. In a fit of unbridled fury he screamed, "YOU SLIMY SALAMANDER!"
Both our moms were watching from the porch and were applauding at such a moving performance. Neither of remember it happening, but we call each other slimy salamanders from time to time.
Completely unimportant.
[rebelmouse-image 18356485 is_animated_gif=You are the human equivalent of a participation award.
Translation: You suck.
[rebelmouse-image 18356486 is_animated_gif=You haven't been yourself lately. We've all noticed the improvement.
We call this one "The Mother In Law"
[rebelmouse-image 18356487 is_animated_gif=Any compliment followed by a short pause, and then "for once".
Example: you look really nice today... for once.
Very versatile, roller-coaster of emotions.
Ahh, insults borne of the internet age
[rebelmouse-image 18356488 is_animated_gif=My wife's coworker was called "you stock photo" once, and it's been my favorite ever since
This 2 for 1 insult is savage
[rebelmouse-image 18356489 is_animated_gif=Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.
No, you!
[rebelmouse-image 18356490 is_animated_gif=It only really works if somebody else starts it, but my personal favorite is "No you"
No matter what they throw at you, you always have something to say.
"You're probably 12 kid stfu" "No u"
I mostly use it in game chat, and one time I got someone so frustrated that they could not top me that they rage quit.
That's just mean
[rebelmouse-image 18356491 is_animated_gif=I hope that both sides of your pillow are warm when you go to bed tonight.
Ew.
[rebelmouse-image 18356497 is_animated_gif=The best part of you dripped down your mother's leg.
This hard hitter
[rebelmouse-image 18345175 is_animated_gif=I don't know why you're playing hard to get when you're so hard to want.
This must have been epic to witness
[rebelmouse-image 18356498 is_animated_gif=This girl I knew once turned to this other person we knew and went:
"Hello, hello! That was 2 hellos, one for each of your faces"
What an explosive slight
[rebelmouse-image 18356499 is_animated_gif="If your intelligence was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose." -Friends Dad
Good Ol' Winston
[rebelmouse-image 18356501 is_animated_gif=Paraphrasing Churchill: "I see that you're are a modest man, with much to be modest about."
Historical harshness
[rebelmouse-image 18356502 is_animated_gif=You're about as useful as Anne Frank's drum set.
Truth hurts
[rebelmouse-image 18356503 is_animated_gif=Used when someone is having an emotional flip out:
I am unimpressed by your inability to control your emotions.The short comings of your upbringing is not my problem. Go do something more productive, get some self control and come back when you are ready to act like a self respecting adult.
Sounds like a fun work environment
[rebelmouse-image 18356504 is_animated_gif=I think the best I've ever heard an absolutely vile co-worker being described as a person that can start an argument with an empty room. Using it ever since
Be a better neighbor
[rebelmouse-image 18356506 is_animated_gif=My favorite is always "You're not living up to the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be." When you bust that out, usually people have to seriously consider it.
The singular worst insult we've ever heard
[rebelmouse-image 18356507 is_animated_gif=Just call them Caillou
H/T: Reddit