If you're looking for success in love, not listening is not an option. So grab a glass of water or vodka and get ready for some big swallows. Two people or three or more committing and living in a relationship is a recipe for disaster, so it's all about averting the iceberg. And as long as you're willing you can navigate.
Speak Up
Putting off ending things for fear of hurting someones feelings is the worst possible idea.
If the relationship isn't right and you know you don't want to be together then sparing someone's feelings in the short term only leads to more pain later down the line. Be honest and front the horrible conversation.
Value
Not everyone will value your relationship like you do. It's VERY important to make sure you both have the same expectations and values; otherwise like two unequally yoked animals, you will continue to walk in circles over the same ground.
Keep the Circle...
Keeping your friends and hobbies is also good for the health of the relationship, not just in case it fails. It puts less pressure on the relationship to entertain and keep you happy, gives you space, a broader focus and interesting things to talk about. It also helps you be you, who is the person your partner fell for in the first place!
I see Me...
ichabod crane mirror GIFGiphyLosing your identity within a relationship is easy to do. Finding it again isn't. Remember to keep your friends and hobbies.
After my last relationship ended I felt guilty for not hurting. I was kind of happy, back in my garage, working on cars with my friends, took a few road trips, my phone was quiet. Crap was cool.
People Share The 'Dirty Secrets' That Their Bosses Don't Want Customers To Know
There's a lot businesses hope their customers believe, and there are many business practices you wouldn't dare believe. These are some of the secrets Reddit ...After Her...
I just got dumped by my ex. I couldn't do anything I liked. I couldn't watch the newest pixar or disney movie, play video games or even watch sports. We had to do what she wanted and it got to a point where I was always upset and direct with her and she would never care enough. I also wasn't allowed to talk to my female best friend because we are both nerdy and discussed nerdy things.
It bothered my ex to death that I never talked about nerd passions to her but any time I tried she told me that she didn't care. If it wasn't about her or something we shared in common then she never made an effort to talk to me about it.
See there? That is all a ton of solid advice. As someone who has been single for a decade, I wish I had had a thread like this to read, or I could've listened to my therapists more intently. Oh well, time has passed. In my last entanglement I remember thinking... "But he's just suppose to know all this already. It's Love." Yeah, that didn't work so great. Allow some elaboration.
50!Â
At a certain point, you have to accept some particular negative parts of your partners personality or move on.
My husband is almost 50. We've been married for over 20 years. While he will continue to experience personal growth, there are parts of his personality that are likely to not ever change. The same is true for myself, of course.
Ups & Downs
The ebb and flow of it all.
As a teen you chase the butterflies high of relationships. As an adult you have to learn that as your hormones settle, you need settle too and not constantly be seeking the highs and creating conflict to achieve them. Even though the highs are addicting. You need to learn to be good with the chill times.. The comfort. The ease. Don't lose the butterflies completely, of course.. But don't create them with negative behavior.
Create them by pulling your partner in for a long passionate kiss instead of the normal goodbye or hello peck. Or by planning a date or a fun new activity to experience together. Keep each other on your toes in a good way. But be ok when things are just as so.
Stay Sane...
crazy in love dancing GIFGiphyEventually love is not being "crazy in love" all the time.
People not realizing this is a huge cause for divorce I believe. After the first year or two, things settle down and become normal. That's okay. A deeper love will form, but it's not going to be the crazy passionate puppy dog love it was at first. Things evolve and change.
You Knew Boo!
My husband and I have a saying "You knew what you were getting into." When one of us starts getting annoyed with something that is just a fundamental part of who we are our response is always "You knew what you were getting into." Again, we are always trying to grow, but when my husband gets mad that I am not good at cleaning/housekeeping or I get annoyed that he goes overboard with planning for the future we can remind each other that this is who we always have been.
It's a Drama not a Comedy...
Once you get beyond the initial lust/heart-fluttery part of a romantic relationship, you begin to realize that love looks a lot different than the rom-com movies. It's not embracing in the pouring rain, kissing under the Eiffel Tower, trying to board the plane to convince them not to go.
It's handing them a box of Cheez-its when they get home from a 12 hour shift and are too exhausted to move. It's driving them to the airport at 3 a.m. for their dream job interview. It's managing their prescriptions when they get too sick to do it themselves.
Relationships are often unglamorous and while a committed relationship can be very rewarding, there's more to it than you and your hot partner canoodling and going on trips for the rest of your lives. Relationships can take a lot of work, some of it that you will never see coming in the early days.
Lose Real Housewives GIFbeyond fantasy...
When you decide to commit to your person, you are sacrificing your fantasy of being with them.
In the crushing or beginning stages of a relationship, we are idealizing them as more perfect than they are. But we all have our faults, and in choosing to be together we are met with reality vs. fantasy.
(From The Fundamentalists podcast titled Engagement).
"magical moments"
A lot of it is boring. The "magical moments" and massive "I love you so much posts" on social media are like 2% of the time. A majority of a relationship is just everyday living. Your idea of a perfect relationship is the small sliver of it that tv, movies, and social media have led you to believe. You gotta look forward to sitting on the couch in sweatpants after eating so much stir fry you're both farting non stop.
Love isn't All
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. A relationship needs more than love.
A person I know really needs to hear this. They insisted too much on being in something with me when I told them that it wasn't going to work (we wanted opposite types of relationships) that in the end it all ended pretty bad. Some people just think that love is going to make things magically work, without even considering that sometimes people that love each other are just incompatible to be together.
Be Nice
Your partner should be kind to you and vice versa. It's not okay for your partner to scream at you or curse you out or deliberately hurt your feelings. This isn't to say that it never ever happens, we all are human and occasionally we mess up. But if they are not consistently kind to you, if they aren't sorry when they are mean, and if they repeat it then that's a problem.
If you wouldn't accept the behavior from a friend then you absolutely should not accept it from a partner. The idea that it's normal for your partner to be mean to you is so freaking bad and I've seen way too many people accept crappy relationships because they think love means never having to say sorry and that getting screamed at is acceptable.
Too Much Mess
fixer upper GIF by HGTV CanadaGiphy"Fixer-upper," relationships often lead to disaster.
Also having children to fix your relationship: terrible idea. Just don't. Human up and fix your issues, don't drag a bandaid baby into it.
Halves...
You can't look for someone else to be your "other half", you have to learn how to be a whole person on your own. This means being able to take care of your own emotional needs, too.
Underrated comment here. You can't be responsible for someone else's happiness. My wife and I enhance each other's joy.
Example. She loves going to concerts and often my schedule means I can't go or occasionally the tickets are expensive and it's someone I'm not a big fan of so she goes without me. But if I can I go and if the tickets are cheap even if I'm not a fan I go. She likes it when I'm there and says it's better but she still has fun without me.
In a good relationship you help lessen the bad and increase the good.
Karma is Coming
They aren't going to magically know you're upset with them. They aren't going to read your passive-aggressive signs. They aren't going to pick up on that.
Be direct. If you are upset, talk to your partner about it. Not your friends. Not you parents. Not strangers on the internet - your partner.
edit : wtf this legit doubled my karma??? thank you all so much.
Watch Scrubs
Not all arguments are worth having.
Yes, communication is extremely important and key to a healthy relationship... but so is triaging the things you nit-pick.
People online will try to make you believe that every little thing needs to be addressed and, if you don't want to address it, you're living a lie... but those people are either 1) in a complete fantasy relationship, or 2) have never been in a meaningful one.
I usually refer to the Scrubs episode with Mandy Moore we an example for people struggling with this concept.
Give and Take
True Love Relationships GIF by Nat Geo WildGiphyIt takes two to be in a relationship. If one person is putting in all the effort and the other isn't, it's eventually all going to fall apart when the one who is giving the effort stops. Great relationships are mutual.
Signs
"When you look at someone with rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
It's easy to dismiss toxic characteristics because of love. Sometimes you won't get that clarity until you're a safe distance away.
Yuuup. It took me leaving the relationship and a doubling/tripling down of the behavior on his part while he was in the process of collecting his things after moving out for me to realise my most recent ex was emotionally abusive. And the more I move on and examine my memories and the trauma, the more obvious the patterns are that were there all along.
Love is beautiful, but it's also another full time job. Nobody tells you that so allow me to. It's worth it though. With the right person.
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Unfairness....
angry ace ventura GIFGiphyBeing the hardest worker will not always equate to you being the one rewarded or recognized for accomplishments.
Ah the memory....
Nostalgia is a liar.
Sometimes though, nostalgia is the best thing. I have a weird thing with visuals, smells and tastes bringing out really vivid memories of my childhood pretty often (like daydreams) and it feels really home-y, safe and wonderful.
All the Effort Spent....
You can do everything right, give something 100% effort, follow all the rules and still fail.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life."
Jean Luc Picard, CPT USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-D).
I love this quote too.
I learned as a I grew up that just because someone hires you and pays you doesn't mean they intend to play fair. Actually it would seem they usually don't even if it would be better for the company in the long run. The point is, YOU keep YOUR integrity and you never really lose.
Tainted Love
bad romance hair flip GIF by Lady GagaGiphyLoving someone unconditionally, and being willing to do anything for them doesn't mean that they will feel the same way about you.
Finding Help
If somebody doesn't want to be helped you can't help them.
This is so true. I've had to learn it the hard way. It's very true when they say that you shouldn't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. That stuff just leads to burnout.
Fallen....
Don't fall in love with potential.
Can be many things. Big things, small things. That someone who's inattentive will pay attention if you just try hard enough to show them it's important. That someone who constantly self-sabotages will stop if you show them they're worthy. That an addict will get clean if you support them enough. That someone violent will stop if you love them enough.
It's not your job to fix your partner. Either you love them the way they are (and you should have a long, hard look if "who they are" is really what you think or if that's just your idea of them), or you don't. If it's the latter, you may need to move on.
This isn't the same as growing together, that's an inevitable process based on equality. Your partner can't be like an investment into a rotting house that you just need to fix and then it'll be great to live in.
I'll be there for you....
That no matter how much you care for and value someone they're never obligated to be the same to you. Especially friends.
Dealing with this currently. Friends since pre school and basically attached at the hip right up until we left school and went to a community college together.
After we got jobs he was harder to get into contact with. We would hang out on occasion but I always reached out and never other way around. He got distant and i asked if he was ok and did I do something wrong, he said it's all ok, then one day he flat out ghosted me.
Has new friends now from what I can see. Still not quite sure what happened but I do not wish him ill and hope he is happy. Hope you are doing ok as well.
A Better Me
Alexa Bliss Reaction GIF by WWEGiphyI am nowhere near as smart, nice, or likable as I thought I was to myself.
This is also the first step to becoming a smarter, nicer, and more likable person.
"last times"
Don't take anything for granted, things change so fast and life is really short. I remember having so many friends not that long ago, who are now strangers.
A big one for me is how many "last times" you're going to have, and how often you won't realize it's a last time. Things can change so fast. Go bowling every Monday? Have a convention you and your friends go to yearly? Hang out regularly with the same people?
One day is going to be the last time it happens and almost without fail you will not know. Then you go days without talking to someone, then weeks, then months, then one day you realize that you aren't really friends anymore. No major fallout, just your lives are no longer compatible.
As time goes by....
Share Love GIFGiphyWhen it comes to grief Time does not heal all wounds. It dulls it, but one trigger and it floods back.
I learned this after my dad & grandma died in 2015. Sad I know, but I resent the fact that people kept telling me I wouldn't feel it one day. I think we need to be honest about that so people know how to cope with grief in the right way & not hold out for a day when it won't be there lurking in the shadows.
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