It's human nature to be curious about the things we don't understand. So let's probe these thoughts. Look at me already starting with a pun.
Let's Talk About Sex...
sex ed film GIFGiphy"Can I be gay without liking sex? I had moments when I was younger about wanting to be with a person but just that male-to-male sex turns me off or weirded me out."
"Absolutely. You could be gay and asexual if you're romantically attracted to the same sex but not sexually attracted to anyone. You could also be homo-romantic and heterosexual if you're romantically attracted to the same sex but sexually attracted to the opposite sex."
- jayraan
The Cycle
"Since a lot of people question their heterosexuality, do you also sometimes question your homosexuality?"
"Not necessarily homosexual, but in the bisexual community there's a term called 'the bi-cycle' which basically means the usual doubt and questioning cycle, because due to various reasons, most bisexuals question their bisexuality a lot and commonly."
Ladies?
"Lesbians: do you also find dating women hard? I know my gay buddies always complain that it's hard to find a solid relationship. So, I'm just wondering what your dating gripes are?"
"Yes absolutely. Dating pool is very small, you can't approach strangers because they could be straight and no one knows who should make the first move."
To Denmark!
"Why do asexuals want to invade Denmark? I'm nervous."
"There are estimated to be over 70 million asexuals in the world, which means that we can easily overpower the Danish military. Don't worry, we won't hurt the citizens, and we'll make it a great country. I know Denmark is already a great country! I've been there once, loved it, and in general I know it's a good country."
Flirts...
"Do you ever feel nervous when you compliment a guys looks or flirt with them because you think they might be straight and get super angry at you?"
"I used to be... I still don't flirt unless I KNOW they're not straight, but if a guy has a nice haircut, or a cool shirt or hat or mask or whatever, I'll say something. Brightens their day. I love when people compliment my wardrobe, after all."
How You Doin Kiss GIFGiphy"For all the people who are wondering about the sort of guys who would get their hackles up at a compliment from another guy—personal anecdote, I grew up in the southeastern US, 90s-00s. Very conservative area, very close to Alabama. Very homophobic. So... those sorts of guys. Lot of us LGBTQ+ folks gotta develop defense mechanisms to get by."
So far, so good. I'm pleasantly surprised by the actual thought behind some of these musings. Back in the day it was all sex questions. Dear I say, people have matured. Let's continue...
I have a feeling...
Season 3 Nbc GIF by The OfficeGiphy"Is gaydar a real thing? How often do you hit on straight people straight people before realizing they are straight?"
"It's definitely a thing. Though it's never 100% accurate and it's really hard to describe the exact signs, there's just subtle signals that let gay people recognize each other more easily. I've personally never hit on a straight person before, and I've even called some of my friends being gay years before they came out to me."
People Break Down Their Greatest Accomplishment On The Internet | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Next to Normal
"Do you feel like it's genuinely getting better or heading in the right direction regarding equality and it just being considered as 'normal' or regular as any other relationship or lifestyle X?"
"In my country I think the shift is definitely more positive towards acceptance. Teenagers now just don't care what you identify as, when I came out my teenage sisters were just like yeah and then told me about their friend's identity and their own. It was a normal conversation not weird or hushed."
Options...
"I am not straight but I don't know what I am. How do I figure this out? Is possible not to be attracted to anyone?"
"Asexuality is s lack of sexual attraction. Aromantic is a lack of romantic attraction. You could be either or both, there's also demisexual/romantic, where you don't feel attraction without building a strong emotional attachment. They're all LGBT+, they're all valid and there's subreddits for all of them if you want to explore."
Friends?
"For lesbians/bisexual women (? idk if that's the right term sorry)—how do you know you're sexually/romantically attracted to women vs just interested in being friends? Because whenever I see a woman I think is attractive, I honestly can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to her or if I just want to be like her lol."
"It's been really fun and enlightening to read about everyone's experiences. Definitely comforting to know a lot of people have this dilemma too regardless of orientation! PS: I feel like I am definitely biromantic 😂 (Cannot decide on bisexual because I really cannot imagine the sex without experiencing it)."
May I?
Confused Where Am I GIF by OriginalsGiphy"Are you annoyed when people ask you a lot of questions? Or any at all?"
"Depends what the question is, but I'm usually very open and I'm always happy to help."
The Bi-Way
"Closeted Bi-guy here. I don't know anyone who would give me grief over it, but is it weird that I just have no interest in "coming out"? I mean, I'd obviously tell family and friends when required (I.e if I was to start dating a guy) but unless I had to I just prefer to keep it to myself."
"You don't need to come out. Both my parents are bi. They are in a monogamous, hetero relationship and have been married for 32 years. I only learned they were bi when I was in my teens and we were watching a documentary about bisexuality together. They never talked about it before that point and have rarely mentioned it since, and they don't need to because it doesn't significantly affect their lives."
to be the rock...
"My 15-year-old daughter came out to us a month ago. How do I best support her as her dad, knowing that her life will have additional challenges that I'm not experienced in? Many of my best friends throughout my life are LGBTQ, and I'd hope that I had been (and still am) a supportive and loving friend, but wasn't necessarily in the role to be their shoulder to lean on or a mentor."
"With my daughter, I want to be her rock. I want to be able to give her comfort that I will do anything to help if things are tough. Perhaps this is the same as being a supporting father in any child's upbringing. However, I know she'll have more challenges. Am I overthinking this? I just want to be the best dad for her."
- redtray
Decisions. Decisions.
Tell Me More Jeff Goldblum GIF by National Geographic ChannelGiphy"Who decides what goes into LGBT+ and what doesn't? Who decides in the order of, don't know what to call them… sexualities/sexual identities?"
Out of the Box
"So i'm a rural bi-guy it's rare that I bump into others like myself but it's such a relief when I do, being rural and bi is interesting i'd say, there's not that big of a gay scene and it's still a bit shunned sadly. I've never been to a city and experienced the culture, but can safely say I like penis and I like vagina."
"I told my dad this and he just laughed and called me greedy and good for me, he liked my first boyfriend as well good man. Anyway i'm rambling I guess my question is are all these labels important? honestly I don't really understand it too much i'm just like, let people love who they want to love do we need to put everyone in these neat boxes?"
- Gaunts
For the Wife
"My wife didn't really accept herself as bi until after we were together. We are monogamous. I do my best to support her. She really wants to be part of the community and participate in things like pridefest but I think she feels uncomfortable. I've offered to both go with her or let her go alone."
"She doesn't want to go alone but also doesn't want to be seen as straight either. I think it's awesome who she is and want her to not feel left out and I also think it's important that she helps represent her sexuality to help combat bi-erasure. Are people really judgy about things like this? Is it ok for me to go with her? What can we do to make her more comfortable?"
- fuzzthed
Support Issues
"What do you think about pride and moment when every company changing their logo to rainbow?"
- Cup4ik
"I personally have two different opinions that coexist in my brain:"
"A) It's nothing but transparent virtue signaling meant as a marketing ploy, these companies do not truly care and often are actively harming the LGBT+ community behind the scenes."
"B) The fact that huge corporations feel confident enough that their pride messaging will garner a favorable public opinion to go through with it is a great litmus test for how society as a whole is starting to warm up to the whole concept, and that in itself is heartening, even if the companies themselves are focused solely on profit."
Difficulties...
"Is it difficult coming out of the closet? Like, for very religious families?"
"Honestly, I don't even have a religious family and coming out is still difficult. It's important to realise that yes, you "come out" to your family, but there's never one big "coming out" where it's like noted on your file that you're gay and everyone knows you're gay after that?"
"I still have to "come out" to my coworkers, and yes, it looks different from the "mom, dad, I'm gay" conversation (i.e simply using "husband" instead of wife, or talking about my partner as "he/him"), but the feeling of anxiety is still the same. Am I going to be suddenly shunned? etc."
Left Out
Trans Day Of Visibility Lgbt GIFGiphy"Do trans men feel left out of the conversation on trans rights at all? It feels very focused on trans women."
- Hcmp1980
"Extremely. And trans women are choked by it, on the opposite end of the plank. Trans men get less positivity, trans women get more negativity. It's a huge lose-lose."
"People don't seem to think trans men exist, which is probably because transitioning seems nefarious and sexual and only "men" are those things. But that means every time you see "trans person evil blah blah" it's never a trans male athlete on a men's team or a trans man in the men's bathroom."
That wasn't so bad. Was it? We all learned and grew as humans, I hope. And nobody was offended or ridiculed, I'm hope even more. Let's keep dialoging, it's the only way.
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That Dude
sexy boy GIFGiphyWhen I said to my friend "This dude is cool, I wouldn't ask him out, but if he asked me I wouldn't refuse" turns out I'm gay and shy.
At 23....
My therapist was doing a series of quick questions and asked "you like boys?" and I was like "yeah" "and you like girls?" and I said "...no? I don't know?" and he "well, straight people normally answer that one waaay differently"
Then it hit me, at 23, that I'm not straight (might be bi) and finding that actress pretty, fantasizing about a girl 2 years my senior wasn't me "being so ok with being straight that I was ok with having experiences with women" I actually kinda like them so yeah, I was that oblivious.
School Chums
I used to have this thought to myself in high school about my friend! I really didn't want to be gay. but I had to confront the thought that if she wanted to be my girlfriend, I would have wanted that too.
She didn't, and also I didn't tell anyone haha.
Fiery....
GiphyWhen I was little and whenever I read books about a straight couple in love, and the woman was this fiery goddess, I never wanted to be the gorgeous woman in the book, I was curious about how it felt to fall for one. I loved the idea of it. Then, I started to develop intense crushes on girls.
Discussing Philip
Met a girl via Twitter through a tag, started talking, then moved to video calls. Every time a notification came up on my phone from her, I got that warm faced, fuzzy chest feeling. "we're just good friends" I said to myself (like a liar). "She's just really sweet and I like talking to her." Four months of this and one day she mentions Philip. I ask her who that is, as I'd never heard the name from her before.
"Oh, that's my boyfriend."
"Oh. Okay. Recent boyfriend?"
"No, we've been together seven years."
Around minute five of crying is when I realized... Crying about that and feeling like I'd gotten my heart broken wasn't normal.
Famous Ladies
One time in high school, I knew a girl who was really attached to me. I had low self esteem and she would always be happy with me and she would say things like "You look cute today" and "That skirt matches your eyes". I never thought she liked me because I would just think, nobody can like me or I would just think I was lucky to have someone so nice. It was by valentines day she made me chocolate in a little pink lock and lock as she confessed her love to me. I almost fainted as I coughed in shock. Wrong reaction.
She was confused but we talked it out. That year we went to prom together, she was my 1st best kiss that grade, and we were one of the most famous lesbian couples in our school. We later broke up because she was going to her dream college in California and we both agreed a long distance relationship wouldn't be good. Ever since, I knew I was gay af.
I Heart Hermione
Very first clue that I was bi was rewatching Harry Potter when I was 11 and wanting to make out with Hermione super bad. Then when I was 13 me and my friends were all at a sleepover and, since we were horny teens, we played spin the bottle. I got my best friend and it was like the best thing ever.
Lol yes Emma/Hermione was definitely my first celebrity crush.
I did that gay people thing where I was like "I'm obsessed with her because I just want to BE her". It got harder to do that once I starting having crushes on my real life girl friends.
Can't Change the Channel
The day when I was 16 and had just realized that the only porn that i had been watching up to that point for the last 5 years was the gay kind.
You, 5 years later: still watching gay porn
Wait a second...
"We" Love Lucie
When my best friend came out as a lesbian and my brain went automatically "YES WE HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER....... wait" so turns out I'm bi.
Edit: by "we"I mean me (a dummy) and whatever runs my emotions, and no I did not say I had a chance with her out loud
Second edit: For clarification, no, we never got together.
Turns out she was experimenting more than anything else and told me she didn't like women before I could even get the courage to tell her. We stopped being friends shortly after (for different reasons) and I have no way to contact her anymore. She never knew and probably never will. Lucie if you're out there, I don't think about you anymore (except for this moment of my life that, in the end, is more about me than about you) but I once fancied the way you would smile at me a bit too much.
A Girl Crush
Love You Smile GIF by The SwoonGiphyWhen I was 13/14 I was at a sleepover. We discussed our "boys we fancied list" then our "girl crush list".
They named celebrities, I named like... Holly from Drama Class, one of our female teachers, a girl in the year above. And was yeah "yeah she's pretty and she's so cute when she ...."
I was then informed a girl crush is when you want to BE this person, or be like them.. not be ON THEM or kissing them and holding their hand while you walk round a Christmas market.
And that's how I found out that being attracted to girls wasn't a straight person thing.
EDIT: so turns out a lot of people didn't understand girl crush as this and now I think we should all create a support group and discuss ladies we want to take on a Christmas market date....
"HER"
I wrote a very long diary entry in late middle school about how beautiful my best friend looked as she slept at a sleepover. I wrote in detail about her fluttering eyelashes, her smooth skin, her parted lips, her deep breathing, etc. I closed it out by saying that I'm not homosexual and I never would be, I just thought my best friend was a beautiful soul.
We started dating a couple months later.
He's a "10!"
Reaction GIF by moodmanGiphyRealizing that a male friend was objectively more attractive than my girlfriend. Took me another 20 years to admit to myself that I was bi, though!
I'm Comfortable
Was year 10 uk (maybe 15). on a school trip to the US, shared a 2 double bed room with 3 upper 6th (17-18) guys, this would be back in 2007ish, when skinny indie kids with greasy hair were the thing. One of them was this guy, who was 18 and I thought he was so mature and grown up, he wore a proper thick woolen trenchcoat and told stories about girls giving bjs under it, which felt like I was talking to some sort of wizard. He had very pale gray blue eyes, but with dark skin and messy curly dark hair so they really stood out.
Anyhoo, they decided that being squeamish around other boys was kinda uncool, so this guy decided after his shower to walk across the room stark bollock naked to get dressed. And he was really thin, but muscular with it, and that was the first time I'd really looked at a penis before, because he stood there toweling off with a bit of a smirk, as if he was trying to make me uncomfortable. I was not uncomfortable.
The Ladies
Megara from Hercules (and Hercules).
Chel from Road to El Dorado.
Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Lola Bunny in Space Jam.
(And quite recently reignited my passion for men too) Zagreus from Hades.
Googled It
Sitting there googling "am I a lesbian" quizzes lol
Well the first sign probably should've been lil 4th grade me, after learning of the existence of gay people, laying there at night thinking, "aww man, gay girls are so lucky. Wish I could date a girl! Oh well, guess I'll marry a man."
Or the countless times groups of girls would be obsessing over how cute some dude was and I'd be standing there like ???
Or maybe the fantasies I had in 6th grade about me dating a girl I was friends with.
But for some reason I didn't even begin to consider the possibility of not being straight until I got the most intense crush of my life (the kind that physically hurts because you want the other person so badly) on a friend of mine who was a girl. Hence the googling lol. Took me another two or three years to really accept it.
Even now I have a girlfriend and occasionally doubt myself but I know that's just my dumbass brain overthinking everything.
the sex is in the heel....
high heels wall GIFGiphyWhen I saw a woman dressed in a business suit, but with a skirt. She had on heels and tights with a black line going up the back of her legs. That sight with the click of her heels... I didn't just like boys!
When Blogging....
I was reading a blog and it said bisexuality was imagining yourself married to either gender and being happy with it. It's probably not an accurate statement but I figured yeah, I'd be totally fine with either.
Later on I thought about the sex part, was completely repulsed and learned the term 'asexual'.
So Shy
I really liked the dude and he really liked me to, we were both to shy to say but you could tell from a mile away due to happenings like these, I changed HS on third year and the beautiful love story came to an end, we did meet afterwards and I swear we could have had sex then and there but neither made a move, I'm still in love with that dude and have been in for 9 years since I met him, and I'm afraid next year I'm letting it go, I have to live my life.
Proof at the Louvre....
I don't think I'm gay since in relationship dynamics I much more prefer the company of women. However since the first time I went to the Louvre at 13, I was really fascinated with all those statues and paintings of naked men. So yeah, I'd say a beautiful body is a beautiful body, no matter the sex.
After the Shower
John Cusack Film GIFGiphyi was over my friends house and he took a shower and came back to his room naked and started playing Fortnite naked i was way too interested in looking at him that i knew i wasn't straight.
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In 2020 when we discuss acceptance of the LGBTQIA+ community, we have to acknowledge and rejoice that we have come so far. We really have. But somedays it feel like there are still miles to run to get to the finish line.
In this time of culture war and grand renaissance we're all learning. And hetero/cisgender people still need to understand a few things. The best route to understanding is empathy. If you don't know, then ask me. Ask me about my fears, my goals and my triumphs as it all pertains to my struggle as a gay man. You'll be surprised about our similarities and about what the community still must endure while you believed the struggle was over. Just don't be inappropriate.... unless you're asking me out.
Redditor u/Eat-the-Poor was hoping the LGBTQ community members would be willing to share some truths that need to be heard by asking.... Homosexuals of Reddit, what is something about being gay that a straight person would never guess is a thing you have to deal with on a regular basis?
TMI
Ummm GIF by memecandyGiphyPeople asking how you have sex. I've had neighbors, a former boss, and family members ask me immediately after I told them I have a serious girlfriend. Its like, you wouldn't ask a straight person that.
Like, "hey, so, I'm gay. I've been dating my gf for four years. Sorry I've been telling you otherwise."
Them: "so like...lol...how do you have sex? Who gives and who receives? Do you use toys? Lol I heard lesbians use a lot of toys. Cause you don't have anything down there, you know? Do you just lay next to each other? How does it happen, lol!"
And I'm like, "uhhhh..." As if it weren't awkward enough to tell your foolish self I'm gay already?!
Looking Forward
Having some sort of conception of the future.
Since gay marriage is a relatively recent thing (and it came suddenly and unexpectedly) you never grew up assuming that you would ever get married, have kids, or build a home. The question of "what do I want to do with my life" really was never addressed in your younger years because you assumed there was no future for you.
If you managed not to die from AIDS or by your own hands then you were not going to have a real love life, real friendships, a family that supports you, etc. all of that was dependent upon you making the world believe that you were straight, a facade that you might be able to keep up with for a while, but not forever. Eventually the mask would slip, people would find out, and your life would slowly unravel from there.
Unlike other kids who were excited to live their dream as a doctor, a cop, a vet, or whatever else, the whole idea of the future was something to avoid for me, because I was always so certain that if I would even be alive to experience it, it would be lonely and pointless.
But thankfully none of that happened. I'm still here corporeally but that's about it. It's just that since there was never any thought put into my long term future now I'm bearing the consequences of it as an adult.
Do No Harm
People just don't understand what it's like. And there's no ill intentions in many cases!
I live in a very liberal, gay friendly area. I recently had to get tested for an uncommon urinary bacterial infection (which ultimately just turned out to just be problems induced from sitting more due to COVID WFH). The doctor saw my ring and started to go on about if it came back positive my wife would need to be tested as well, risks to women, etc.
It was strange, I actually felt bad for how she was going to feel when I had to politely interrupt her and say I was married to a man. She was absolutely mortified by her assumption and kept apologizing.
No harm. No negativity intended. But it was a reminder that in all aspects of social interaction it's just one more hurdle I need to overcome.
Always Out
gay pride rainbow GIF by Capital Pride | Have Pride 365!GiphyOnce you come out you never truly stop coming out.
Every time you fly, cross a border, get stopped by a cop etc. Same question and how do the two of you know each other? I am always tempted to say "We have been sleeping with each other for 35 yrs." But I never will.
Just Asking...
My next door neighbor that I spend a lot of time with was raised extremely religious to the point where she wasn't exposed to pretty much anything. (No Harry Potter, no news). When I told her I was bi, she had a lot of questions, but it was kind of refreshing to be able to answer honest questions without dealing with preconceptions. She was very sweet and kind about it. She just wanted to understand what she's never been exposed to before.
Never One and Done
The mini internal debate you have every time you tell a story about your SO. Do I say friend or girlfriend? Have I come out to this person yet? Is there someone in the vicinity who I don't want knowing I'm gay? If I do say gf, will the person think I'm getting political/over sharing even though they wouldn't think that if I said boyfriend instead of girlfriend? Coming out is not a one-and-done deal. You have to make that snap judgement a thousand times and every time it's scary.
Convo with Dad
The first thing that comes to mind is a few years back I was talking to my dad, and he mentioned when he met my mother, she was having serious family issues with her own father. They didn't get along, at all, and my dad helped solve the issue because the way he was raised... family was the most important thing, and he "couldn't date a woman who didn't get along with her family."
I had to tell him if that's an expectation he has for my future spouse, he better get over it before I meet her. Cause when you're gay, there's a very real chance your SO will not have a family to bring you into.
It hadn't occurred to him before then that my future wife might not get along with her family, and that our family will have to become her's instead. It's something I accepted a long time ago, but my dad really struggled with the idea for a long time.
Danger
Meaning Excuse Me GIF by 1091GiphyKnowing that there are some people who really hate gays even though everyone today pretends they are totally cool with them, and there's always a chance decisions will be made at work that result in you not getting the promotion or straight-up getting fired.
The "It" Approval
People being overly loving of my sexuality, sometimes it feels really forced. I appreciate the support, but I feel like it's trendy to support gay people.
It's something to be celebrated. But for example, it's like acting like someone's 28th birthday is just as meaningful and a milestone as age 30.
I grew up Catholic, and my parents and friends were super against gay people. Now that it's trendy I feel like it's easier to support.
I Do
Episode 12 Showtime GIF by ShamelessGiphyPlanning my wedding was a pain.
"Are you going to wear a dress? Are you going to have bridesmaids or groomsmen? Where do we sit? Are you allowed to do it in a church"
YES. Our wedding party consisted of myself, my husband, the minister, and my baby SIL as the flower girl. My husband and I walked each other down the aisle. The minister read a Walt Whitman poem. We exchanged rings and vows and had a nice buffet set out for us. No dancing, no silly games, just marriage and fake Italian food. It was great.
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