"What's the best joke you know?"
Car Humor
"A lot of people tell me I’ve got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time."- SweetAndSourSymphony
Wait For It...
"This reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery."
"He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down."
"'Do you think I could stay the night?'"
"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car'."
"As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound."
"A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before."
"The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind."
"He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound."
"The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you'."
"You're not a monk'."
"Distraught, the man is forced to leave."
"Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again."
"The monks reply, 'We can't tell you'."
"'You're not a monk'.”
"The man says, 'If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk'."
"The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand'."
"When you find these answers, you will have become a monk'."
"The man sets about his task."
"After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery."
"A monk answers."
"He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."
"'In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for'."
"By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change."
"Only God knows what you ask."
"All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
"The monks reply, 'Congratulations'."
"'You have become a monk'."
"'We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.'"
"The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, 'The sound is beyond that door'."
"The monks give him the key, and he opens the door."
"Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone."
"The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby."
"And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond."
"Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold."
"The sound has become very clear and definite. "
"The monks say, 'This is the last key to the last door'."
"The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! "
"With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open."
"Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......"
"But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk."- 2TicketsToFlavorTown
Are You Kidding Me Alyssa Edwards GIF by NETFLIXGiphyBoat Humor
"Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards?"
"Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."- hoooligans
Super Funny
"Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says 'you know, last week, I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window'."
"The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar."
"The second guy says, 'What, are you nuts?'"
"'There's no way that could happen'."
"'No, it's true'," the first man says."
"'Let me prove it to you'."
"He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below."
"As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar."
"He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished."
"'You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke'."
"'No, I'll prove it again,'" says the first man as he jumps again'."
"Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window."
"Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it."
"'Well, why not', the second guy says, 'It works'."
"'I'll try it'."
"He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors, and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT."
"Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, 'You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk'."
Man Of Steel Ok GIFGiphyOops!
"What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?"
"The taste."- vietbond
Um...
"Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?"
"Because they're really good at it."
Nick Offerman Thumbs Down GIF by NBCGiphyWhat time is it after you're done reading these jokes?
It might not be time to laugh, because some of these jokes are NOT funny.
Only kidding...
"What was your 'so THATS why that rule exists' moment?"
These incidences involving parents lead to unpleasant consequences.
Do Not Disturb
"Uggh same. Only with my grandparents. My memory is puposely fuzzy on this, and I'm not really sure what I saw, but it was their anniversary. That's when I learned why you knock."
Swing And A Miss
"While camping I was chopping wood into kindling when my dad says, 'Honey, you NEVER chop wood in sandals or flip flops. You need to wear proper shoes just in case you swing and miss. Wouldn't want to chop off your toe.' I say OK Dad! Take a big swing, miss and the damn ax lands right next to to my big toe in the dirt. I've never seen my dad smile so big."
Ignored Warning
"My mom told us not to try and climb up the water slide we had that slid into the pool. I figured it was because she was a fun-hater. Really it was so that you didn't slip, fall face first into wood planks, almost break your nose and eye socket, then get the skin on your eyelid glued back together causing a permanent scar between your eyelid and eyebrow. I learned the hard way."
– Gild5152
Why The Scar?
"Whenever I would open or break down cardboard boxes, I would always sweep the knife or scissors toward my other hand that was holding the box still. I was told at least 100 times to not cut toward myself by my mother and grandparents."
"I now how a pretty large scar on my left hand from accidentally stabbing myself with scissors and I no longer cut towards myself."
Workplace hazards abound.
The Crash Pad
"Working retail, one of the racks in the back room had a giant wad of foam stapled to it."
"What's with the foam?"
"Oh, you'll find out..."
"One day, in too much of a hurry, I turned around quickly and smacked my face right into the foam. Broke my glasses and cut my nose open."
"Would have KO'd me without the foam..."
It Makes Scents
"I work for a warehouse that manufactures different products; one product is made with pure peppermint oil. The stuff we get is very concentrated (literally go home every day smelling like Christmas). The restrooms are on the other side of the warehouse so my boss had a sink installed so people could easily wash themselves off if they got any oil on themselves."
"One big rule that is HIGHLY encouraged is to wash your hands before you leave that area of the warehouse to do anything, even before going to the restroom. Every single person has only broken that rule ONCE, because it only takes one minty private area to learn WHY you wash your hands first."
What Blow Dryers Are NOT Designed For
"Did you ever see the tag on a hair blow dryer that says 'Do not use while sleeping'? Silly, right? Well... I met someone whose family all sleeps with a blow dryer ON in their bed. They still do it after the daughter woke up to a scorched bed and the mom says sometimes the blow dryer 'sparks'!! Incredibly stupid people."
No Cellphones
"No cell phones while on the clock at work, has been the rule for the last two jobs I've had and there's been no exceptions to it. I'd need about fifty pairs of hands AND feet, and NO I'm not exaggerating, just to count the number of people fired because they were caught with their cell phones on them."
"The two major reasons for this rule have been because a couple of people were on them constantly and not doing their jobs, and about three or four people were caught taking pictures of customer's credit cards. So now if you're caught with a cell phone while clocked in, it's an automatic termination."
These Gestures Are Offensive In Other Countries | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
People explain the friendly gestures in one country that are offensive in another. It's imperative to do a little research about the destinations and culture...Sounds Fitting
"Clothing stores have signs posted that read:"
'LIMIT - no more than 3 items allowed in fitting rooms'
"When a store manager was asked why, he said:"
'Shoplifters will often take many items into dressing rooms without any intention of trying them on. They do this in order to stuff one or two items into bags, switch labels from more expensive to less expensive items, as well as to distract sales people in the fitting room area.'
"Often, shoplifters will leave items they don't want inside the dressing room so sales associates can't tell which ones they've taken and left behind."
For Back Protection
"Lift with your legs, not your back. I am not a fitness expert but I did do some temp work warehouses where having proper form is important. I do not want to get any hernia discs or anything."
– Guergy
The things kids do can lead to painful consequences. Which is why these rules were set in place.
The Reason For The Rule
"I guess this is cheating since I'm the reason for the rule."
"When I was like 9 I went to kings island in Ohio, there was a restaurant in the park that had bars laid out for people to queue in. My family was literally the only customers there, so as they were waiting naturally I decided to run back and forth under the bars. I was young and short enough where I just had to bend a little to run under them. My hands came up a little, and I was running full speed. My arms caught the bar, which pulled my head up just enough to knock my two front teeth clean out spewing a bloody mess:"
"Fast forward over two decades later I'm back at the park. Same restaurant now has chains instead of bars and a sign saying don't run underneath them. I chuckle to myself and ask one of the workers what the story there was."
"Oh like a decade and a half ago some dumbass kid f'ked his mouth up running into bars that were there."
No Running
"No running around the pool. My friend split his head open chasing someone around the pool deck."
Young Daredevil
"They taught me to never jump off spinning chairs at school, so out of spite, I jumped off the spinning chair THE SAME DAY they talked about the dangers of standing on a spinning chair."
"I ended up spraining my leg. It was a really fun experience explaining to my parents, doctors, and teachers what I had done."
Extra Precaution
"Remember the simple 'look both ways before you cross a road'. I still do that, even when the pedestrian light is green for me. Case in point, walking across the street when it's green for me and almost getting my foot flattened from a car driver that wanted to rush over his changing traffic light when it was already yellow."
Mind They Fingers
"Back when I was in 8th grade we had a tech class that would cycle to different rooms for different learning. Well one of the rooms was woodworking and my teacher for that room told us to 'make sure your fingers are clear of the band saw and to never give the wood a final extra push at the end'".
"Well I was always curious why he said that at the end there and then at the end of the school year he told us that about 10 years ago he had a kid cut part of his thumb off by giving the block of wood an extra push on the band saw."
I learned my lesson about not running a long time ago.
I used to be a part of a young adult performing group where we rehearsed and performed in a mall food court. During one of our lunch breaks from rehearsal, I needed to use the restroom so bad, I ran to beat the other kids from getting to the toilet first.
When I rounded the corner, I slipped in a puddle of urine in front of the urinal and fell. Needless to say, I had to use the sink as a makeshift bathtub to rinse myself.
I'm grateful I didn't break any bones from falling that day, and the embarrassing incident prevented me from racing to get to the bathroom since then.
That's why we don't run, kids.
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"Did you think I wouldn't hear all the things you said about me?/This is why we can't have nice things."
Oof. We've been there, girl.
"What is a great example of 'This is why we can't have nice things?'"
Schools are notorious for pranksters. That doesn't make it okay to keep the unwanted reputation going.
Vandalism In Schools
"Students destroying school property as part of a social media trend. Now there are no soap dispensers and I have to time and document my 10th graders bathroom trips."
Tighter Surveillance After A Theft
"On the first day of school, some 9th graders took a computer monitor and left it on a city bus. We got it back, but now we have to watch every single kid like a hawk at all times."
Missing The Target
"lower class-men in high school. We literally can't use the bathroom become the second week of school some freshmen wanted to sh*t and piss all over the bathrooms. My bus driver also quit the second week of school because of disrespectful kids. i'm too broke to have a car."
Exploiting methods of transportation resulted in some very frustrated civilians.
When The TSA Cracked Down
"The nincompoop who tried to shoe bomb an airplane shortly after 9/11. Passengers have all had to take their shoes off for security ever since."
Scooters On-The-Go
"We've had those pay as you go scooters in my city for the past 2 years. As soon as they were released I knew some idiot would do something that would get them banned. Somebody tied one to some rope and left if dangling off a bridge, so the next fool had to retrieve it but pulling it up by rope. They weren't banned but it came close."
"Also, I know someone who grew up in Liverpool and the local government doesn't put any money into public parks because they're vandalised all the time."
On The Mend
"We have had them for 2 or 3 years now and I thought for sure the vandalism in the first year would make them never come back."
"But here we are and things are going ok. Not great - this year there was an adjustment to bylaws to not allow them on most sidewalks and people have for the most part followed through."
Parents Explain Which Things Surprised Them Most When Their Child Moved Out | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Waterbourne Rental Bikes
"Sh*t, we got some rental bikes a couple years ago. Within a month I saw one in a river. People abused the hell out of them and they weren't around very long."
– dudius7
People had to go and ruin things that benefit others.
Prescription Drugs
"A lot of the most effective prescription drugs, such as benzodiazepines, amphetamines and opiates are hardly ever prescribed in my country due to the small number of people who abuse the crap out of them. Now doctors completely ignore their therapeutic benefit and treat the people who need them like drug addicts. I told a doctor I'd gotten prescribed Valium once and he interrogated me to find out who prescribed it and why the hell I needed it. Meanwhile I'd had relentless anxiety for months that made it impossible to eat or sleep."
Bad Assumptions
"YES! I have sickle cell a chronic pain disorder and mention to drs 'hey i take oxycodone and norcos but im highly allergic to dilaudid' and they get so heated over it, ive even heard nurses outside of my hospital room jokingly mention that im 'back again for more' when im genuinely just in pain! It makes me not want to be seen when im hurting but then waiting puts me in MORE pain and it's just an endless cycle. Then to make the matter worse my illness is most common in black people who are already looked at as drug seeking."
Benefit Programs
"People voting against programs that would help low income households because they think some people will take advantage of it and they would rather everyone suffer than help some people who they feel dont deserve it."
– Gka28
A Result From The Lack Of Consideration
"We still have a pandemic going because somebody refused to follow proper quarantine protocol because it made them uncomfortable."
Brexit
"For anyone in the UK, Brexit."
"Experts predicted all of this before the vote. It was widely reported upon. People still voted 'Leave'."
All it took for my fifth grade class to be without Oreo Cookie Fridays once was due to Bradley not keeping his mouth shut during reading time.
Our teacher Mrs. Lichtenstein would make us quietly read and forbid us from talking to each other so we could concentrate. If we managed to stay quiet for 30 minutes, she'd pass around four Double-Stuff Oreos each to everyone in the classroom.
Not sure if teachers are allowed to give students junk food now, but back then, it was a luxury item.
When Bradley whispered wisecracks trying to make us laugh during reading time, Mrs. Linchtenstein revoked our reward. We were so pissed at Bradley. He was why we couldn't have "nice things."
Thanks a lot, Bradley.
But contrary to what's depicted in Hollywood, drill instructors endeavor to bring out the best from privates through tough love in addition to discipline.
Apparently, their sense of humor has no bounds. Curious to hear from drill sergeants online, Redditor darkstalker1000 asked:
"Drill instructors, what is the funniest thing you have seen a Private do?"
The following examples were utterly humiliating, but valuable lessons were learned.
Longheld Punishment
"Had 2 guys get in a fight in our bay during basic. The drill sergeant made them hold hands and pretending to be on a date all week. Only time they could let go of each other's hands was rack time. They ended up becoming pretty good friends."
Confusing Paycheck
"Ex British Army officer here."
"A corporal went on a nine week mortar course and was accommodated (obviously) while he was away. It turned out he knew one of the DS teaching the course and was invited, regularly, to dine and drink in the Sergeant's Mess."
"The month after coming back from the course, he brought his payslip to me with a puzzled look on his face and, embarrassed, explained he didn't understand what it meant and could I help him?"
"It emerged that the Sergeant's Mess had a chitty system - you didn't pay for your drinks at the time, but signed for them and the total bill was deducted from your pay."
"This legend had managed to drink more than his monthly salary both months he'd been away and his payslip was a negative balance."
"I'm sorry Smith, I'm afraid you owe the Army £235 ($327.50) this month."
Asking For An Advance
"Former European Anti-Air Trainee here."
"Recruit spent his first check on alcohol and sex workers, asked his commander for next months check in advance the next day. Instead of having a good excuse prepared to actually succeed in that proposal he blankly told him in front of 80 other recruits why he'd need it."
Eye-Level Reprimand
"I saw a guy post about how he was like 6'3 and his DS was like 5'2, so whenever he messed up the DS would go up to him face to chest and yell 'Elevator!' and the guy would bend down to eye level with the DS and say 'Ding!' and the DS would proceed to look him in the eye while he chewed him out."
Some experiences were downright hilarious.
The Stain
"Not an RDC, but in boot camp I was over the laundry crew. One recruit sh*t himself because he thought he couldn't leave his rack after taps. It was funny at the moment before I realized I had to wash it."
– ScootaFL
People Share The Scariest Thing They've Ever Experienced While Home Alone | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Ambush Training
"This was the funniest f'king thing I ever read from u/odomotto"
"Recruit fired all his blank ammo during 'ambush training.' He crawled in ditch opposite where the aggressors were, and started throwing rocks at them. DI came running in middle of the road blowing his whistle and screaming 'what the f'k are you doing?' Recruit screamed back, 'throwing hand grenades drill sergeant!' Without missing a beat, the DI screamed 'out f'king standing.' And walked away."
"My sides hurt and I was wheezing laughing so hard at this when I first heard it!"
Painful Salute
"Not me, but my uncle is a drill instructor for Canadian Cadets and basically when the trainees were saluting, one of them karate chopped their own eye and he was so nonchalant about it that he just had one eye open for 5 minutes and my uncle was trying so hard to contain his laughter."
"I could only imagine how embarrassing that would be."
– jman857
Consequences Of Volunteering
"This one was told to me by a retired army vet. The platoon was gathered and the instructor says 'We need someone to drive the colonel around base. Who has an Ohio driver's license?' So he whips out his ID all excited like and gets picked. Then one of the instructors pulls out a push broom and says 'Salute the colonel!' So he ends up sweeping the base for the day. Moral of the story, don't volunteer for anything."
Johnny Appleseed
"When you come off a shooting range you have to be checked to make sure you aren't taking any live ammo off of the range. The DS would pat you down and check your pockets/magazine pouches for any."
"One guy smuggled an apple out of the dining hall at breakfast and was storing it in his grenade pouch. As he was coming off of the range the DS felt in the pouch and asked him what it was. He had to eat the entire thing right there including the core. He was Jonny Appleseed for the rest of training."
"Good times."
These punishments made no sense. And that's why they're memorable.
The Replacement
"When I was in basic, a kid we called 'Albino' shot off a blank round accidentally in the field. The sergeants were pissed and took his weapon away and replaced it with a broomstick for the remainder of the week in the field."
Pukefest
"Not a DI, but we had this kid in my platoon pass out from heat exhaustion while staying in the sh**ty range barracks on Parris Island (Marines) DI's made us get on line and force fed us all water in a timed period and had to hold the canteen of water over your head upside down whether it was empty or not when the time ran out, then we all ran back to the bathroom and filled our canteens with water and ran back on line. Repeat this about 4 more times and eventually 1 recruit puked EVERYWHERE, AND THAT CAUSED ANOTHER RECRUIT TO PUKE, AND THEN THAT CAUSED EVEN MORE IN A HORRIBLE CHAIN REACTION OF EVENTS. I had to hide behind one of the columns because I was about to start laughing my butt off... THEN I SMELT THE OVERWHELMING STENCH OF STOMACH ACID IT WAS HORRIBLE."
"Luckily I didn't throw up, still one of my fondest memories during that horrible 3 months."
Wrong Boots
"Day one of basic training, a private in another Platoon came down to formation wearing one summer boot and one winter boot, I noticed it and laughed. 10 minutes later, and a Drill Sergeant from that Platoon had still not made the private go and fix himself."
"I informed the other Drill sergeant of the situation; wondering if maybe she hadn't noticed, so she yelled at him to go change."
"Another 10 minutes later and I heard her screaming again."
"The private had come back downstairs with the OTHER winter boot and the OTHER summer boot on."
Bed Sheet Cloak
"Man I remember some dude didn't put the sheet on his bunk the right way and had to wear the sheet as a cloak and go to all the other barracks dancing around sing about how he was the 'Catch Edge Fairy' or something. It was pretty silly, he owned it though. He was doing twirls the whole time. This was Navy bootcamp."
– Konebred
Despite how they are depicted on film, drill instructors are people who care.
Like, Beals – a drill sergeant at Fort Knox, Kentucky – who said:
"We provide more than just physical, mental and emotional guidance for them. You are a father, a preacher, a financial advisor, a counselor-you provide so many different services to the Soldier that the regular public doesn't see on day to day basis."
"They see what they see in movies and what they hear about by word of mouth. But you are fulfilling so many roles other than just being a trainer and teaching an individual how to be a Soldier in the Army."
And occasionally, they are having a laugh at the crazy things their trainees do.
They have a tendency to spread like wildfire, and once the momentum kicks in, the rumor is virtually impossible to stop because people will believe what they want to believe. Sounds familiar, right?
On the other hand, there are the kinds of rumors that are just so incredibly ludicrous, it's hard not to laugh.
Curious to hear from strangers online who were left in stitches over ridiculous gossip about themselves, Reddtor ad_ch asked:
"What is the funniest rumor you've heard about yourself?"
Announcements
People love hearing big news. So when none have been announced, just make it up!
Didn't Put A Ring On It
"Someone texted me congratulating me on being engaged. It turns out some girl back home that I saw while I was on leave brought one of her mother's rings to school and told everyone I proposed while I was there. That promptly ended any communication I had with her lol."
Love Is Love
"That I am lesbian. I guess it was because I haven't had a boyfriend till I was 20 and because I was openly supporting LGBTQ community. It was funny because people were counfused and were asking my sister about my orientation."
– MawaSawa
Former Flat Earthers Explain What Finally Made Them Come Around | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
It's Criminal
These Redditors were seen as really bad people who did really bad things.
The Maybe Drug Dealer
"In school someone spread the rumor that I was a drug dealer and some really believed it. I was such stiff who didn't even taste alcohol or cigarettes because I was underage."
Double Murder
"Started a new school. The reason...I killed my grandmother and mother and was forced to. You know...the typical punishment for a 9 year old who committed a double homicide. Switch elementary schools."
– Huck4108
Folsom Prison Blues
"That I murdered someone just to know what it felt like. I assume someone from high school overheard me singing Johnny Cash and didnt recognize it as a song."
School Rumors
Students love to gossip about anything. "Did you hear about...?"
Yes, we've heard them all. But maybe not these:
The Campus Resident
"That I lived inside the school i think this came from me wearing the same clothes every day but in reality i had a lot of the same clothes that were really cozy."
Undeserved Ranking
"I was ranked 3rd best fighter in high school before I'd even been in a fight."
– kido86
Snippety-Snip
"In middle school there was a rumor that went around about me needing an emergency vasectomy. It got so bad that the main office called to wish me well."
– kain378
The Feared Computer Nerd
"In the early 90s I was the stereotypical computer nerd at my high school. There were very few of us in my high school who knew anything about computers. I was into phone phreaking but didn't really tell most people. Mostly I was just the skinny kid who wore nerdy tshirts. I was sort of surprised I never got bullied and school was pretty uneventful."
"We had a mini five year reunion that some people went to. I mentioned the stuff about bullying and someone I'd known since grade school said 'Well everyone knew you got angry at someone and changed all their grades to F one semester so even the worst kids were afraid of you.'"
"This was a total shock to me. I never learned much about hacking much less knew how to change people's grades. But hey... kept me out of trouble so it worked out in the end."
– bg-j38
Oh, Brother
These things people said about brothers are just wackadoodle.
Dead Brother
"Not me but my brother."
"He collapsed at work and was rushed off to hospital in an ambulance. He recovered and was back in the office the following week and was talking to someone who asked if he'd heard about the guy who collapsed last week and was taken off in an ambulance? Apparently he died …"
"I suggested to my brother he should have offered to start a collection for the family."
The Flex
"My little brother told people I was Japanese and that I did boxing, because he thought it would be a flex
Turns out more kids believed him than what I'd expect and they all were deceived to find a skinny caucasian guy instead."
When I was in middle school, the rumor had gotten around that I held a black belt in Karate. I've never taken Karate.
Obviously, the origin of that rumor stemmed from me being Asian, and it was presumed that all Asians were martial arts experts.
My prepubescent peers were so racist. Yet, looking back, I do have to chuckle over the fact that the rumor may have protected me from being harassed.
They must've thought I could easily Karate chop their heads off if they ever antagonized me at school.
Why they stopped believing in the rumor by the time I got into high school is beyond me. I didn't get majorly bullied but there were occasions where I wished I was a martial arts master. Sigh.