First dates are already weird and awkward the majority of the time. You never really know a person until you hang out with them one-on-one, and in those cases, you can see their true colors and find out who they REALLY are.
And sometimes, they're so bad that you have to just peace out. These are the stories of such dates, courtesy of Reddit. eseohii asked:
Those who've walked out on first dates, what was your "I'm out of here" moment?
Unfortunately, we can’t completely learn about a person just through dating apps. There’s always a chance they won’t be honest.
Hey, Scorpios are cool!
“First date we are at a Japanese restaurant. She asked me my star sign, I replied "Scorpio". She leaned over the table and slapped me clean & hard across the face. Naturally I was shocked and confused, I mouthed "What...?", she firmly says "I NEVER date Scorpios".
I went to the bathroom, came back - she had gone, and paid for everything.”
“At least she paid, so at least that's something.”
Just hold it until the next bar!uh oh poop GIF by It's Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaGiphy
“Legitimately when she said she needed to take a wee as we walked down a back alley to the next bar. She pulled her jeans down, TOOK A SH*T behind a bin, then searched in the bin and wiped with a sheet of newspaper.
I was totally infatuated with her after working with her for a few months and in 30 seconds it disappeared, fast.
I just don't get why she didn't wait until the next bar?!
After a few comments, I have to state, we were wasted at this point, she didn't just drop trou and squeeze in a planned brazen act of defiance, I hope."
It takes a lot of confidence to be this blatantly rude.
“She told me she was probably going to ghost me and then asked me to buy her a second drink while I was only a couple sips into mine.”
“This has ‘villain reveals their plan to the hero before the plan has succeeded’ energy.”
“Bold and aggressive” is an understatement.
“I went to the bathroom, but left my phone. She texted every girl name in my phone ‘i miss you’.”
“Bold and aggressive move to find out if there's anyone else in your life.”
Even the people we think are perfect can end up being absolutely bonkers. The only way to find out is that first date.
As a cat person, I can confirm that this is awful.Cat Meow GIF by Cats MovieGiphy
“She had 22 cats and would just randomly take in strays. Not give them any vet care and was planning on keeping a recent litter. I love cats... I paid the bartender when she went to the bathroom and hyper walked to the door. Forwarded her contact info and a summary of what she told me to the humane society.”
Gross gross gross.
“Sadly I was inexperienced when this happened and had to wait until the end of the date but after meeting him I said I'd go and get drinks. He said ‘atta girl’ and slapped my a**.
In shock I went to the bar and got the drinks. I should have walked out of the exit immediately. He was obnoxious.”
No Netflix and chill for that girl.
“Just a nasty rude person. Maybe she had a bad day, who knows, but she said something that I just lost patience with and scooted basically mid-meal.
We went to a cool-but-not-expensive hipster-ish restaurant*, it was a Friday night and they were busy. She complained the whole time about the service being slow and then stupid for having a hard time understanding her over the loud noise, she made fun of the other customers, not in a cleverly-observational-Larry David way, just a senselessly mean and petty way.
The break point was at one point she made a comment about my appearance that in hindsight must've been meant as some flirtatious shade, but I just took that personally, and regardless of intent it was an unflattering thing to say. I wolfed my food and then signaled for the check. I waited an agonizing 5/10 minutes while it came, then stood up, threw down enough cash for my meal and a generous tip for both of us (she'd been such a monster to the servers I knew she wasn't going to tip anything), and started putting my windbreaker on.
She asked me "are you cold?" "No". "Oh. Where're we headed next then?" "Home." And when I said that she looked confused for a second, then gave me a coy look and said "oh ok, yeah, I'm down for Netflix", and, realizing what she thought I was implying, I just said "oh, no, I meant alone". Out the patio right onto the street and freedom.
* I was 23, 24 - young people reading this, do not do a restaurant for a first date unless it is someone you know/are already friends with and know there's a spark before you sit down to a meal. Go for drinks or coffee, it's cheaper, more casual and easy to conversate, it's also easier to disengage - you can pound a beer or a coffee and scoot away in seconds, unlike a meal."
Chefs Share Major Red Flags To Look For While Out To Eat | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Ewwwww.Homer Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy
“This guy and I were eating dinner after chatting for a couple of weeks, and unprompted (in the middle of something I was saying) and completely unrelated to what was being discussed, he said something along the lines of, 'So you know in order for this to work you're gonna have to share yourself right? My friends and I like to pass girls around.'
I was pretty dumbfounded and after a bit of stuttering I told him I didn't think it was going to work, asked for a to-go box and my portion of the check, and noped the f*ck outta there."
“I had to pick him up and he complained about everything. My car, the way I drove, my music taste, why was I being so quiet while carefully plotting my escape plan. Definitely the moment he said ‘My friends really want to meet you. I need them to know you're real.’ Annnnnnndddddd that's when I bounced.”
They really do the bare minimum, don’t they?
“He spent the whole meal talking about how he only dated nurses because they were great caregivers and looked after him. He talked about his last GF who after working her shift, came over to his place, and did his laundry. I was a cook but he was willing to give me a tryout depending on how good my cooking was. We left and there was a busker outside with a crowd and we stopped to watch. I slowly edged my way into the back and then quickly walked away. He also showed up in sweatpants for an evening meal.”
To the Redditors featured in this article- how do you find these people?????
As a neurodivergent person, this makes me mad.startled adult swim GIF by HULUGiphy
“We didn't even make it to the date. She was a friend of a friend. I thought she was cute and was getting up the courage to ask. But while I was doing that, she kept sneaking up on me and making sudden loud noises in my ear or grabbing me then giggling like she thought it was quirky and cute.
I have anxiety and autism. Sudden touching and loud noises are my two worst meltdown triggers. I told her this and asked her to stop the first few times she did it. She kept doing it. That crush died fast.”
Now that’s good management.
“This guy was about 10 years my senior and very clearly on coke or another type of upper. He offered me a job where he worked, asked me to move in with him to make his ex wife jealous and refused to drive separately to the restaurant he wanted to take me to after we had drinks at a local pub.
Got to the restaurant, told management I was feeling super uncomfortable and the manager himself came up to me and told me there was a phone call for me at the front. I grabbed my purse, drank my glass of wine and hightailed it out of there.”
Well that’s just creepy.
“This is going to be lost in the comments but I just want to share.
I went on a first date with a really cute girl my age (both ladies if that matters?). Anyway, we get to a pretty popular bar/coffee shop in the area and are chatting over drinks. Honestly it was going really well at first. I'm also 100% okay with people talking about mental disorders on the first date as I have some myself and it legitimately is part of who they are/dating them. Also, as long as they are not doing it to imply I have to fix them or to excuse sh*tty behavior then I'm okay with it. If they say they did something sh*tty and then fall back on their disorder it's a no from me.
She mentioned that she had been in inpatient recently and I said I had too. She then said that the exact reason I went into inpatient was why she was in, and said she was at a specific one that I had been in and even the exact same diagnosis as me. I asked when and she told me the week I had been there. I knew for a fact she hadn't been there and it really deeply bothered me. I didn't recall ever telling her these details and usually only bring up mental health if the other person does.
Turns out she worked at a restaurant with a "friend" of mine who divulged a bit too much personal information when she showed him who she was going on a date with. Needless to say, I bounced and neither of them ever heard from me again beyond a "don't talk to me or about me" text.”
Was this person on a date with Dennis Reynolds?Tv Show Lol GIF by It's Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaGiphy
"Hoping I don't catch sh*t for this but here goes…
We were going to a fairly nice place, fully indoor restaurant. He brought his dog.
Now I LOVE dogs but knew it wouldn't be allowed in the restaurant we had picked. He used it as an opportunity to insist I go back to his house with him. I told him I would wait there while he dropped his dog off and came back and he was furious that I would suggest such a thing. I started to get really anxious because he was yelling and forcing my hand, so I told him I would follow in my car and once we were driving I totally bailed out."
How they treat service workers is usually a good indicator.
“She was rude to the waitress, and I mean really rude, not just short or impatient. I said I was going to the bathroom, walked up to the waitress, handed her some cash, said keep the change and walked out of the restaurant.”
Let this be a word of warning- if you’re going on a first date, be prepared for it to go south. Have an exit plan ready to go just in case it goes nuclear, because it’s honestly a 50/50 chance that it’ll be awkward af.
Also, when you’re on a date, be sure to not talk about your ex or sh*t outside. That should be a given.
We looooove a first date. (Read: Nobody loves a first date.)
First dates are awkward. No matter how good they end up being, they start off awkward. There's always nerves surrounding them. Am I going to impress them? Are they going to impress me? How are we going to get along?
Do we kiss? What do I say? How do I be myself?
Wouldn't we all like a little more guidance?
Here were some suggestions.
Don't Be A Silent Jerk
Ask questions in general. Don't just talk about yourself. Don't expect them to carry the conversation. When in doubt, ask a question about the topic they were just talking about. Chances are it's a topic they're interested in.
This Was A Less Than Ideal Ending
This couple matched on a dating service and agreed to go out. The girl, however, didn't follow my rule (using the restroom before you leave) and wound up having to go to bathroom when they got back to his place. So she does her thing, right, but the toilet ends up being clogged and it over flows. To save herself some embarrassment she tries to wrap up her crap in a towel with the intention of throwing it out the window. But the window is too high. So she climbs up and gets herself stuck dangling out of the window with her wrapped up poo sitting there on the edge beneath the window. Her date has to call 9–1-1 to get her out of there.
Classy, Not College
Make sure that you have enough money to pay for the entire date. I think that splitting the tab for food/drinks on the first date is pretty normal, but it always helps to be prepared, especially if you are the one who asked the other person out.
Also, be punctual. Another person has agreed to spend a chunk of their free time with you, so that needs to be appreciated and respected. And don't get lit up on shots, reach a level beyond buzzed, or order any drink that has the word "bomb" anywhere in the name.
Let It Go, Let It Go
A first date is like a pilot of a TV show. It determines whether there is going to be a second date and so on. All you have to do on the first date is just have fun, get to know each other, if you click, it's great! If you don't, so what? It's a first date.
Furry Backup Plans
I would recommend to not go for a dinner date or a movie date for the first date. Both are better suited for later dates. Both of them have issues like who pays for the dinner/tickets and there is no easy escape if the date is not going well.
My go to option is to just go for a coffee/tea in a nice cafe. Coffee and tea are not that expensive, so it really doesn't matter who pays and they also provide a good atmosphere to just talk to your date. Pro tip are interesting cafes like the cat cafes that exist in some cities. It is a regular cafe but with cats. If the date doesn't go well, you can still play with some cats.
Impress? But Whom?
If you're a man who feels societal obligation to pay on the first date, actually listen to what your date is telling you. I much prefer paying for myself, especially that early on in a relationship, but I've occasionally been up against guys who feel the need to pay even though I was clearly very uncomfortable with it and I knew neither of them were particularly financially better off than me anyway.
Past the point of me offering to be polite, it was quite clear I genuinely wanted to pay for myself and that was what they wanted too, they just felt pressure to keep up appearances. We ended up agreeing that he would pay in the restaurant and I would transfer him the money (this has happened multiple times to me!). It made it pretty clear that they were much more interested in appearing gentlemanly to the wait staff than making me comfortable - remember who you're trying to impress!
Let Them Come To You
As a guy, no touching/kissing on a first date. If they are interested, women will try to touch your arm/hand. I never initiate touching because if you touch them and they pull away, it's game over. The most I'll ever do on a first date is touch their back as I guide them through a door and maybe a hug at the end of the night.
Besides, I like to spend the first date getting to know them. When you're worried about kissing them or how much you can touch them, it's really distracting and turns into a mental tug of war. I like to alleviate that and just have fun and get to know them. Plus, it puts your dates mind at ease and they're not trying to play defense. I've found it's just better for everyone if you don't even think about it.
Takin' Care Of Yoself
People don't realize how important this is but TAKE A SHOWER RIGHT BEFORE YOUR DATE!!! Put on deodorant and a small amount of cologne/perfume. You want to smell good if they get up close but not be overpowering.
Keep It Busy
This is kind of my thing, but I like putting together first dates where we do some kind of activity. Of course it depends on a lot of factors, but I especially like dates where we do something with our hands. Plopping down when you first meet someone and trying to have a natural 2 hour conversation with someone is pretty difficult in any context, and so keeping your hands busy takes a lot of the edge off.
Take The Pressure Off
Honestly, going on a double date for our first date is probably what made me score my fiancé. I'm such an awkward person but I was comfortable being around the other couple and ultimately made me open up to him. He didn't call me for 3 days but I'm finding out that's because that's what his roommate told him to do. So standard. But 2.5 years later and we're hopefully still getting married 10/3/2020!
A first date is kind of an awkward experience already, because you're basically sussing out the other person to see if you connect in any way.
Especially in the age of Tinder, first dates are so removed from normal human interaction that it's impossible to predict how it's gonna go.
But sometimes, you know that it DEFINITELY should not be going like that.
Here were some of those stories.
A Lot Of Steps
I had a guy who looked at me like he was utterly transfixed and started basically implying how relieved he was to finally find The One. Not in so many words but he was acting like you'd expect someone to act after his proposal had been accepted. Like, all loved up and somehow relieved?
He drove me home and started singing some dumb country song with the line "I've finally found... a soft place to faaaallll" whilst looking sidelong at me.
I was freaked out. He didn't even know my surname! We'd made out one time!
Had a date once where things were going pretty well. As we're given the check she asks my age so I told her. I was one year younger than her and she immediately facepalmed and said "Ohhhhh, I didn't know you were younger than me."
Not a red flag in a negative way towards her personality, but her reaction was all I needed to know there wouldn't be a second date.
What Is It To Be Sexy?
Had a guy who insisted on buying the most expensive pizza at the restaurant despite my protests then kissed my head when he walked past me to use the restroom. After dinner we walked along the waterfront, he kissed me and then immediately tried to choke me "to be sexy". First date, last date.
So He's Delusional
I met a guy on the Internet so we met for the first Time for coffee. He had a black eye and a cut on his cheek so I asked him what happened and he said what do you mean? And I said you look injured and he said no I'm not everything is fine
Ah, So, You Want To Control Me
He told me I should learn to make better life choices because I'd bleached the bottom half of my hair in a twenty minute lecture about hair care.
He suggested more than once that he'd be happy to help me find a hair style that suited me, as well as a few new outfits that would fit my figure better than what I was wearing.
FYI I'm aware bleaching my hair is bad for it. I bleached only the bottom half for that reason.
He gave off very controlling, condescending, and straight rude vibes.
No second date
Two Hours Late
He made me wait 2 hours for him and kept lying that he was almost there. I already bought my movie ticket and wasn't gonna change the time so I decided to go by myself. He finally shows up halfway through the movie then tries to do the over the shoulder move on me.
Male? You MUST Be Dating Him
The guy told me that it was questionable that I was living with a male roommate and that he wanted me to move. Also lied about his nationality (probably because of a bad reputation they have with their neighbors, but that I wasn't even aware of at that point)
An Odd Obsession
Literal flags. My roommate went out with a guy that showed off pictures of his flag collection. He had the flag from every country in the world and wouldn't stop talking about them. He used to help his school with their model UN, but they stopped letting him since he would keep interrupting with comments about flags.
A REAL Winner
"I've tried every drug apart from heroin because I don't like needles. He also told me in detail how he shoplifted the t shirt he was wearing and the bottle of rose wine he drank before our date."
He pressed me for personal information about my last relationship that I was not ready to share with him at the time. I politely told him we could talk about anything he wanted as things progressed. He leaned back in his chair for about a minute acting like he was bored (pretending to sleep). I got up, grabbed my coat and walked out. Urgh..
Dating is kind of like continuous job interviews for a partner.
As such, certain questions and assertions become important right away. You need to know if this person is going to be a good match, and there are layers you can begin addressing right away.
Here were some of the answers.
Firstly, if you are dating a guy, you need to ask him these questions and get an honest answer:
Are you as fast as a coursing river? Are you as forceful as a great typoon? Are you as strong as a raging fire? Are you as mysterious as the dark side of the moon?
Because if not, he's not worth dating according to Chinese standards.
How well are you dealing with your past traumas from bad relationships and how much do you plan to project that on to me?
Accidentally got into politics on the first date (framed around our core beliefs) and relieved we did. Really nice girl but we would almost certainly wouldn't have been compatible and didn't have to waste time figuring it out later.
Someone Else's Story
Try to vibe with them. Play the story game. If you're at a restaurant, pick one random person in the restaurant and try to guess their story/who they are. It's fun, and you'll get to know a lot about the person you're with.
Getting To Knooooow Youuuuu
How are you?
You doing good?
Otherwise, icebreaker questions. Hobbies, food, cultural stuff, fun facts, share stories.
Just don't worry too much about it. It's all about conversation. Just as questions if you feel like you're talking about yourself too much.
Boundaries Early On
Sure, I'll nth the 'do you want kids' question... and I should note I actually asked this on a third date to the woman who is now my wife.
Knowing you agree on something that's otherwise a deal-breaker early on — when everything else is going well — means it's smoother sailing.
If your goal of dating is to have fun, hook up, awesome - this is probably best saved for later. If you're dating to find a life partner, it's a big one.
Down The Road
"What are you looking for right now?"
You don't want to get several dates in and find out that your goals are wildly different in terms of dating, life, career, relationships, marriage, etc. You don't need to get their life plan, but even finding out if they are looking for a relationship vs a free lunch, etc etc.
Still Hung Up
I've heard somewhere that you should ask what their ex is doing. The reason behind that is that if they know they probably haven't left their feelings and aren't ready for a new relationship.
But then I've never really dated but I've heard that one and it sounded good.
We Are Family
Its not so much a question but when i meet a guy i always make sure it leads to talking about family (mom, dad, siblings and upbringing).
I might be wrong here but how a person was raised and their relationship with their family will give you a lot of Intel on their character or the type or person they are. This works like a charm in my own dating life (when i have one)
What are your exes like?
If they answer, "oh they were the absolute worst, despicable person ever..." and so on, run. Three reasons why:
- They attract or at least date douchey people (bad news for you I'm afraid).
- They bad talk people they were in relationships with (could be you in a few months).
- They are usually more cynical/negative people. You dont want that kind of person as the most important person in your life.
First date horror stories are seriously some of the best cringe-reads possible, aren't they?
Yeah they are. Thing is, they predominantly come from women complaining about men. It's almost enough to make you think women don't pull crazy first date stunts.
Think again, folks!
Reddit user adrien_68 asked:
Rather than respond with hypothetical red flags, these reddit users responded by telling real-live OMG NO first date stories. These red-flag first dates absolutely prove that women are just as capable of being cringe-worthy as men are.
A girl I dated was really obsessive over her ex, but not like wanting to get back with him, no no no, good sir!
She just wanted to make sure he didn't date anyone, and would force everyone around her to help towards that. Including me. I found out from her ex (who was actually a really nice guy) that on the first date we went on, she chose a specific restaurant because she knew he had a date there, and she wanted to ruin it.
TMI Too Soon
Had a date who mentioned the fact that she only had sex one time, but she got pregnant and then had an abortion three months later. I met her all of ten minutes prior to her telling me this. Quickest I've ever got the hell out of a restaurant.
Dinner Was Lovely
I went on a first date with a young woman. Toward the end we were finishing our meal. Waiter came over and date said, pointing to me. "Dinner was lovely. He'll take the check now."
Not A Groupie
She was a fan of a well known singer. Ok.
She was member of a fan club. Well, why not.
She spent her life travelling through Europe attending each and every concert whenever possible. Uuuuhhh.
And she spent the whole evening telling me everything about this singer I never wanted to know. At least she "never was a groupie."
Anyway. Two hours later I had a couple of beers with good friends and whenever I hear this singer on radio, I have to turn it off.
Like Mexican Food, But...
We went to get Mexican. I asked why she was so rude to the waitstaff, she said she liked Mexican food but "hated illegals." I was supremely uncomfortable.
Daisy Said No
I have a small white fluffy dog. Back when I was dating, I would bring the dog along for the first date - great ice breaker, hit with the ladies etc etc. Daisy (the dog) loves people and tagging along wherever I go, so everyone was happy!
ANYWAY, on one particular occasion we arrived at the pub to meet my date, and rather than the usual wagging tail greeting, Daisy started growling at her, and did not stop until we left, by which time I was convinced my date was a serial killer, and Daisy just saved my life.
So if a dog doesn't like them.... BIG red flag.
Spit, A Suitcase and Another Man's ChildGiphy
Your well meaning coworker sets you up on a blind date with her fun friend. You agree to meet at a bar, but then her friend asks you to pick her up because she lost her license
You get to her apartment and she is arguing with a man out front. She flips him the bird before spitting in his face then gets into your car. It is at this crucial point you notice she brought a suitcase full of her things.
After you finish the drink you ordered with your meal she finishes her fifth one. The entire time you haven't said more than a few words. Not because your being indifferent, but because she always interrupts with anecdotes about her abusive childhood.
The bill comes, she slides it over to you. She informs you that she doesn't have any money and assumed you had intended to pay for the entire date.
On the way to the car she informs you that she wants to have unprotected sex. Don't worry though. She tells you that you cannot impregnate her. She is already carrying another mans child.
While taking her home she begins gesturing to her suitcase while asking to live with you a few weeks. She is broke and destitute till she begins her new job as a stripper on Monday. The man she was arguing with was letting her stay with him till she saved up enough money for her own place.
Unfortunately that man had kicked her out since she was bringing other men over to his apartment. In her opinion it was unfair. After all, she never agreed to only be sleeping with him exclusively.
Unfortunately you live in the same apartment complex. Only a couple buildings around the corner. Far enough from where you park but not so far that she doesn't follow you all the way to your front door.
She assaults you while trying to force her way into the apartment. You panic, but then hear your cellphone ring.
It's a telemarketer telling you about your vehicles expiring extended warranty. You pretend it's work, push your way outside, lock the door and hope she forgets the number scrolling across it.
She follows you to your car, asking when you will come back home. You leave her standing in the rear view mirror while you speed off into the night.
You then spend a few hours sitting in the mall parking-lot; waiting for a chance to sneak back home. While on your third cigarette to deal with the second anxiety attack; even though you previously quit smoking for over one year, you come to a grand realization:
Your coworker is kind of a b*tch.
Never Felt So Happy To Drive Away
I went to meet a woman from an online dating site and at the last minute she texted to ask if I could swing by her house which was only a few blocks away from the Starbucks we were supposed to meet at. That should have been a tip off in retrospect but we'd chatted a lot online so I felt comfortable enough. Maybe she just needed a lift or something.
Instead, I come up to her house and when she opens the door, she is wearing an ankle bracelet.
She begs me to please understand how she didn't want to mention it on the dating site and to please hear her out. I was naturally uncomfortable by this point but also curious so I sat down for a few minutes in her living room. She told me of this domestic dispute she had with her ex that had turned violent and now she was on 30 days house arrest. A very overweight teenage girl came into the room at this point, and the woman said "oh yea I also forget to mention I come with this."
Now I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
I started making excuses to leave but she kept trying to get me to stay. "Please, just one date after I am done with house arrest. The things I could learn from a man of your smarts.." I said nothing besides "I really have to go, will think about it" I just walked out the door and she followed, explaining that the bracelet had a range of several feet outside.
I got in the car without a word and just drove. I never felt so happy to drive away from a place in my life.
That poor kid. Her mom's on house arrest for a domestic dispute, kid was likely either a witness to it and knows her custodial parent is violent, then to top it off mom invites a strange dude over, and then refers to the gal as "this"? Not even a name, just "this" like a teenager is an ugly lamp or a pile of student debt. WTF.
I was on a date where she couldn't take her eyes off her phone.
Her: "I'm live streaming our date. My ex is watching."
Me: "Excuse me."
I got up, paid my half of the bill with the waitress and left. Funny thing is...a few months later, I was in a Supermarket and I saw someone facing me at a dead standstill out of the corner of my eye.
I turn to look and it's her of course, giving me the finger. I just started laughing my ass off, which made her laugh too. I said, "Have a good night." That was it.
This takes me back to the early 20s version of me and a fine lass named Rebecca. We met at a New Years party, she tall and artsy with some feather arrangement in her hair I complimented. Oooohhh midnight and a proper kiss on the cheek with the promise of a first date to start 1991.
Picked her up for said date a few days later and same hair treatment. She tells me she's obsessed with birds and always wears a feather somewhere. Uh, ok, no problem, she's still cute in full light and this just makes her quirky, right?
I was just a few yrs older and we went to a really nice Italian place near DC. She remarks how nice to be out with a "grownup" as she's finishing college and has been dating "boys". Nice! Dinner's great until dessert. The whipped cream on mine reminds her of her last boyfriend. She then tells me in great detail how she stalked him, hiding in bushes near his house to spy, f-ing with his tires and covering his entire car in whipped cream and eggs. "Isn't that just the funniest?!?"
My brother was in the army when he was set up on a blind date by a friend's girlfriend. Apparently during the first ten minutes of dinner she was talking about how she would be such a great and loyal army wife, and how she thought army wives were so brave and admirable and how she would never leave him if he was injured. He had literally just met this girl.
He stuck it out through dinner, faked sick and left. She pursued him pretty hard after, but he lied and told her he decided he wasn't really over his ex and wasn't ready for a relationship. He said about a month later she tried to text him with a booty call, and said she even tried to "sweeten the deal" by saying he didn't need to wear protection because she was on birth control. Like how many red flags can one girl have?!
The Mean Girls Test
Oh boy here we go...
Long story short, I went on a date with a chick and we were vibing really well before she turned ice cold and began acting super rude.
At that point I just wasn't enjoying it so I made up some excuse about having some stuff to do and left.
Few hours later she texts me she was disappointed that I 'gave up' so easy and she was testing how much I liked her.
Needless to say I didn't ask her on a second date. I'd rather be single/celibate than have a relationship/sex with the entire cast of Mean Girls crammed into a single person with a maturity of a high school freshman.
Steak, Fries, And A Glass Of Champagne
Had dinner with a blind date. Only saw her eyes maybe for 3 minutes before she was glued to her Instagram and Snapchat. Giggling to herself and replying to her followers. Tried to have a decent convo, but she was like "uh huh, that's cool" waitress comes, she doesn't even bother looking at the menu, "steak, fries, and a glass of champagne" then out of the blue
"How much money do you make?"
I got up, told her the date was done and left her at the restaurant. She was so glued to her phone, she just nodded. She blows up my phone a few minutes later raging that I was supposed to buy her her dinner and exclaimed she had NO money or ride to get back to her mans place.
So yeah, she was phishing for free food and drinks.
She was talking about how she went camping for a long weekend, being that she had MLK day off, but with the side note, "Ugh, I f***ing hate Martin Luther King" and then she fully admitted to not caring much for "the blacks."
When Mom Sets You Up
There was this woman 20 years ago that I met because my mom knew her mom and both thought that's a nice idea that their only offsprings could become friends. That's what the premise was "Go and become friends!" Never met her before, she knew nothing about me so... yeah, why not.
Met her at a restaurant, waiter ushered us to our table, we sat and even before the waiter was able to hand out the menus she said "I look for a man to have children with because I want children now."
The waiter had that "bro... I'm so sorry" smile on his face when he gave me the menu.
This ... "entree" was followed by a monologue of a list of guys who all failed in her eyes, because there were either from a bad family, somehow idiots, not able to have kids or had some other background she disliked and that she now has "high hopes" for me because her mom knows my mom and they told her that I am a nice and decent man.
To make one thing clear: she was WAY out of my league. She was fit as hell and just beautiful with long black hair and blue eyes while I (still) look like Shrek. We both were on the same level of intelligence, but I never studied and worked in public service while she was becoming a pharmacist. She said on the first date that she wants kids asap.
Now imagine sitting there in your mid 20s, with a goddess in front of you both intellectual and body wise, that talks for 2 hours just about herself and that she wants to marry asap and also wants kids.
She offered me to drive home to her place but also insisted on telling me that we won't have sex as long as I'm not willing to marry her. So she drove me to my home, we talked about her studies and then she became furious because a woman I know saw me in the car while standing on the crossing and smiled at me. "Why is this woman smiling at you? Do you know her? Do you know many women?"
When we arrived at my place I jumped out of the car, thanked her for bringing me home and almost ran to my door. She tried to contact me for the next 2 weeks but I kinda managed to be "not around". Learned later, she married a guy, had twins and then divorced him.
Weird Food Combos
I went on a date with a girl who ordered a steak and a cheese cake and then proceeded to eat them at the same time, like in the same bite. Look I get weird food combinations, but if you're going to make that combination on the first date there's a strong chance you have some body's under your floorboards.
This happened many years ago and requires a bit of backstory. I was at a house party where I blacked out and woke up naked in an unfamiliar room next to a girl I'd never met before. The friend I came with woke up shortly after I did and told me what happened.
The girl he'd been trying to go home with at the party with came with her friend and was unwilling to leave without her. Her friend liked me. He found me later in the evening in a stupor, hoisted me over his shoulder, and loaded me into the back of his SUV. Evidently I was what made the deal go down.
The girls got up after a while, and we talked for a bit. I was unsettled about sleeping with a woman and not remembering any of it, so I asked her to go out that evening for a date to get to know her to which she said yes.
Fast forward to around six that evening. I'm eating supper and she shows up at my house early. I let her in and say "I'll be done eating shortly and we'll head out. Make yourself comfortable in the living room in the meantime."
A few minutes later I came back into my living room and she'd made a small fire in a large ashtray with paper from my coffee table magazines. I stood there just staring at her dumbstruck while she kept stoking her little fire, not even noticing I'd entered the room. I asked her what the hell she thought she was doing, and she simply said she was bored.
I put it out, then said, "I have tv with cable you're welcome to watch. Do not start fires in my home. I'll be ready in five minutes. If you feel the need to start another fire go outside and do it in the street."
I like to think of myself as a pretty easy going guy and thought the situation was over with. She stopped burning things and I went into my bedroom to quickly change clothes to leave for our date. My phone rings about halfway through doing so and it's my neighbor from two doors down. He wearily asks me how everything's going over there, to which I said "OK, why?"
He then informed me that in the middle of the street in front of my house there's a woman that's started a fire. After talking a bit we hatched a plan. I went outside like the date was still on and nothing was wrong. My buddy came over with an 'emergency' that required my assistance. She went home and was avoided ever after.
Not Accepting It
I picked up an attractive girl for a first date years ago. We started with the small talk, but as we got a few blocks from her house she said something like "I'm feeling like kind of a b!tch tonight, so if I act like it you're just gonna have to accept it".
I didn't say a thing but spun the car around and headed back toward her house. She didn't say a thing but as I turned back onto her block she says loudly "What are you doing?"
I said (really nicely) "Oh... you said you weren't feeling well." Then I pulled up to her house and didn't even look in her direction, just kept the motor running. So she opens the door and gets out. As I drove away I heard her yell "F*ck you!" Very satisfying.
She talked about her ex the whole time during a movie. Then after the movie she took me to meet her family, and then I got to meet her ex - who was working at a gas station.
I thought she just needed to get gas, nope just wanted me to meet her ex and fight him.
He was a cool guy and called me a cab to get back to mechanics so I could get my car and go home. Thank God picked me up from the mechanics and never saw what car I drove.
Hide And SeekGiphy
This is about a girl I was really into, she was into a lot of the same stuff I was. I invited her and a couple friends out to a hibachi restaurant down the road from our uni. She started texting me in the middle of our meal about how she wanted to kill herself. That she was going to kill her ex (who was also there) and another girl who was "stealing" her spot as best girl. What does that even mean?
I told her to just breathe and think about something else. We get back to my car and we have to stop at the Walmart just down the road.
We get into the store and I'm having fun with my friends and I turn around and she's just gone. This sends everyone into panic mode. They can all tell something is wrong, even though they hadn't a clue that she had just texted me she wanted to kill herself. Not to mention several other people.
We look all over the store and I eventually find her, only for her to run off again. She said she was playing hide and seek.
When I find her again, she's in the jewelry area and threatened to kill herself if I didn't buy her a necklace as well as several other things. Cue me spending over 300 dollars on her that night as well as the money on food.
I went through all of that only to find out two weeks later that she was seeing a guy who lived in a halfway house. A guy she started seeing while she was simultaneously using me and abusing me if we're being honest.