The latest story to take the subReddit TIFU (Today I F'd Up) by storm, titled "TIFU by holding in my sneeze," is a doozy. A messy, even gory doozy.
It comes to us via LivinCrazy, who was having a bit of a challenging day at work. While eating their lunch, Living Crazy did that thing where you somehow, accidentally, basically punch yourself in the face?
Or as they eloquently put it:
"...I went like brain dead for half a second and I lifted my hand up too fast and hit my nose with an uppercut Mortal Kombat style."
Yep. Been there. Not cute, not fun.
The situation was further complicated by the fact that LivinCrazy was also under the weather, which obscured the severity of the beating they dealt themself.
"I felt like my nose was bleeding but I dismissed it as my nose running since I have a cold."
You see where this is going, right?...
Brace yourself.
So LivinCrazy goes on about their day.
Their boss asks them to pick him up lunch, so they go grab him a hamburger.
And as they're on their way into the boss's office...
"I felt a little sneeze sensation up in my nose but I try to hold it in because my boss is waiting for me."
And then, it happens—the sneeze.
But not just any sneeze...
I walk into his office, give him his hamburger and this point my body can't hold it. Cue three very bloody and harsh sneezes all over my bosses white shirt, paperwork, and hamburger.
The biggest "yikes" to end all yikeses—all the grossness of a regular sneeze PLUS you've made the entire place look like a murder scene. The mind—and the stomach—truly reels.
Thankfully, LivinCrazy's boss—after sending LivinCrazy home, thank God—took it all in stride.
"...he seems to have found it a little funny so I don't really feels as bad."
Which is pretty much the best-case scenario when you sneeze blood all over your boss and his stuff.
Three times.
Of course, LivinCrazy's fellow Redditors had plenty to say about this nasal massacre.
"This is how a pandemic starts in the movies." --u/elcondormagnificente
I'm laughing so hard right now at the image of blood spraying out of your nose 3 times like a shotgun blast --u/Finnish-Karelian
"Never hold in a sneeze, always let them out! Sneezing is such a freeing sensation!" --u/Lima1998
"That tingly air is gonna find its way out, some way or another." --u/DK_Son
"You got off light. You could have shi* your pants." --u/sbeesp
"I figured you were going to say you did what I've done in the past. I've completely throws out my back/shoulder a few times from holding in a sneeze." --u/joleme
"I think the one living crazy is your boss, if someome [sic] sneezes blood all over me I'd be freaking out running to the next clinic/hospital or whatever to check for any deseases [sic] and not wait for another clean shirt lol" --u/Iago4400
"Your boss totally thinks you did a lot of cocaine." --u/johnnyutah0305
"I would be mortified but the outcome seems to have been alright." --u/expiredgatorade
So the moral here is listen to your body and let those sneezes fly.
But as more than one fellow Redditor pointed out...
"...It doesn't matter if you are at a rave or at home all alone like you will be for the rest of your life: COVER YOUR UGLY-AS* FACE WHEN YOU SNEEZE!" --u/itsthreeamyo
God gave you elbows for a reason.
But when you add in the fact that the customer service employee is also human and also full of all the extremely dumb stuff humans are full of? Well that lethal combination is a recipe for disaster.
This is one of those stories.
The TIFU (Today I Fu**ed Up) subReddit recently lit up with a pizza delivery guy's harrowing story, titled "TIFU by continuously making a customer angry when delivering them pizza." On its face, it seems like just another tale of a customer being that wonderful combo of unlikable and weird.
We've all encountered that guy. But the story quickly takes a hard left into "Oh...no..."
Redditor Kyle__'s story starts off pretty standard. He shows up with some pizzas, knocks on the door of a very loud party and gets a less than enthusiastic greeting when the door opens:
"This massive dude with hair down to his a** answers and yells at me for knocking too loud. I apologized, and went on my way."
Fairly typical "oh I'm SO sorry for DOING MY JOB" customer service stuff, right?
Sure, until the following weekend, when he delivers pizzas to another unit in the same building.
"This tall bald dude answers. I ask him if he knows the guy upstairs, and told him the a**hole upstairs yelled at me for knocking too loud. He looks at me puzzled, and says 'I know, that was me, I bought this 4 plex'. The dude shaved his head. From hair to his a**, to bald."
Yikes.
Our Pizza Dude, after he "instantly died inside" apologized and went on his way, no harm no foul.
Until the next weekend, when he really upped the ante by, well, destroying the dude's property.
"...the loop on my pizza bag got hooked on his mail box that was hung on the fence. It ripped the mail box clear off the fence, and flung it down the stairs."
Can't get worse than this, though, right?
Don't worry, it does.
"It actually bounced off his door when it landed. He opened the door to see me looking like a deer in headlights, frantically pointing at his mailbox (which was bent and twisted now) and trying to explain that I really didn't mean to do it."
And if you can believe it, this guy ended up delivering to this customer again—though thankfully this time there was a happy ending.
"After he paid I nervously said 'Hey, I didn't even insult you or wreck your property this time'. He laughed, said 'good job' and handed me a $5 tip."
Aww!
And now they're best friends.
Just kidding, they actually never crossed paths again, which is probably for the best.
Naturally, Kyle__'s fellow Redditors had plenty to say about this weird tale.
"'I know, that was me' LOL, dying" --u/GrauGeist8888
"Finally a good Tifu, I thought for sure you were gonna end up having sex somehow." --u/Hasnath_249
"Reminds me of the Pizza Delivery Guy from Home Alone who kept running over their damn statue." --u/ChefChopNSlice
And several gave him props for making the best of a sticky situation.
"You didn't FU imo. The man even laughed at your joke and tipped you.I see it as a win considering you destroyed his mailbox and called him an a**hole." --u/Fuhgly
"I dunno, sounds like you handled it well." --u/LostestGoat
Though not exactly everyone was on the pizza guy's side.
"...Don't call customers a**holes to their neighbors (or to anyone really). They might be friends (or the same person in this insane story)." --u/phunkydroid
"Like massive respect to this dude for not punching you" --u/RetardedGaming
And several folks had some wild pizza-related stories of their own to share.
"Oh man, delivering pizzas was generally fun! I was offered a St. Bernard puppy, bags of marijuana, and coke as tips (which I did not take). Only sad I couldn't take the puppy...." --u/Elle3786
"I delivered pizzas in college and I guess I knocked too loud over their music. The guy swung the door opened and yelled at me for 'knocking on the door like I was the cops'"--u/SatireDiva74
"Late to the party here but I was once a pizza driver too. One time I unknowingly delivered a pizza with a slice missing. Turns out one of the guys in back had made a pizza for himself and someone else mistakenly put the ticket on that box."
"The look on the woman's face when I had to re-deliver her pizza was one of pure disgust. She probably really thought I had eaten a slice of their pizza, and likely wasn't sure I didn't tamper with this new one. That was almost 15 years ago and I still think about it sometimes at night and get uncomfortable." --u/RickGrimesLol
Anyway, if there's a moral here, it's this: If you put your foot in your mouth, at least don't up the ante by damaging someone's property.
Customer Service 101, folks.
Please take out your paper and pen and write this down:
ALWAYS DESTROY YOUR *ahem* PRIVATE FILES BEFORE SURRENDERING YOUR DEVICES
This cannot be stressed enough.
It's not sufficient to just delete the files—you gotta catapult all that ish directly into the sun.
Which is a lesson a gent on Reddit recently learned the hard—and profoundly soul-destroying—way.
Redditor JustaYeetingMat posted the harrowing tale to the r/tifu subReddit. "TIFU" is Redditspeak for "Today I F*ed Up" which, as you'll soon see, is the understatement of... maybe all of human existence in this case?
"Homework folder" is a Reddit by-word for a folder on your phone or computer in which you hide all your, um... adult? content? Be it the, shall we say, "professional" or "homemade" varieties.
So, you know, basically the dead last thing you ever want anyone to see.
JustaYeetingMat recently got a new phone, and in his family it's customary to give your old phone to a younger sibling, so he passed his on to his sister. Conscientious lad that he is, he moved his "homework" folder to his new phone before passing the old one on.
Done and done! Right?
Well, we'll just go ahead and let the title of his Reddit post speak for itself, because there's simply no better way to put it.
TIFU by giving younger sister a phone with the "homework" folder in it and now i am probably going to get disowned
Are you secondhand dying inside? Cuz JustaYeetingMat certainly is, firsthand.
As JustaYeetingMat explains, it turns out that you have to completely destroy all the data on the phone to truly get rid of the "homework" folder. So when his sister went traipsing thru the phone to clear some more storage space, she found the "homework" folder and did what, quite frankly, most of us would do:
instantly she ran around the house showing everyone in my family about what atrocities i keep in that document
And, of course, his family had pretty much exactly the response you'd expect.
now nearly all of my family either hates me or is disgusted by me
Fair enough.
So what has JustaYeetingMat done in the wake of this?
The only sensible thing really.
i have locked myself in my bedroom with 3 days worth of food and a good supply of water from my filtered tap
Don't worry, though: he hasn't ostracized himself entirely.
I go out through my window and go to kfc (only at night) for some good non frozen food
At least he's not totally isolated.
As you might expect, JustaYeetingMat's fellow Redditors had plenty of fun at their expense.
The best part is that you'll be reliving this story for the entirety of your adult life at family get-togethers. -- u/handlessuck
Don't forget about the shame that will come on at random times when he remembers the story. -- u/averagethrowaway21
If OP ever gets married, you can guarantee that his family is going to have fun pulling this out at the wedding. -- u/AreThereWaffles
Though there were a few words of comfort.
Well there's always the chance of being disowned, don't want to rule out all these options just yet -- u/Keaton525
I got caught cross dressing and so forth when I was 14. 31 and still alive -- u/ZeroSymbolic7188
Your best bet youngster is to just suck it up and own it. Seriously! Don't let your family make you feel insecure about this stuff. -- u/MadEzra64
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who enjoy a bit of porn now and again, and liars. Just own it, imo. Be like, "oh you think thats whats up? You should see the stuff I have on my new phone" -- u/Madaghmire
And, for those of you who also have "secrets" to keep, there was plenty of advice.
Always, always, always do a factory reset on electronics you sell or give away. Protects your information and saves you from embarrassing situations. --u/tony7914
If you want to be thorough, do a factory reset, put dummy data and do a factory reset again. This is because there are data recovery programs that can pull previously wiped data from a device. So, if you put some dummy data, nobody can access it later --u/AdityaRav
So the message here is clear—DESTROY YOUR FILES.
Your dignity will thank you.