Reddit user "Whatever12112" asked:
"What is the craziest thing you've heard while eavesdropping?"
To borrow a phrase from my 5-year-old nephew as shouted at the rest of his cousins: "YOU PEOPLE NEED THERAPY!"
Seriously. You do. All of us do. We live in a world with THIS.
We're gonna break this down into two categories - though I'm honestly not sure what to call them. Let's go with Messy and Messier - but this time in a mature audience kind of way.
We'll start with messy.
This Doesn't Bode Well
Giphy"I overheard the photographer for the wedding I was at say 'I took 4 edibles before this and have no idea what I'm doing.' I have no idea how the pics turned out, but there was definitely cause for concern." - Ebony_Aardvark
The Camel Giraffe
"Ok, once in college I heard these morons at the next table:"
"1: I need cigarettes"
"2: what do you smoke?"
"1: I usually smoke Camels"
"2: oh you mean the ones with the giraffe on the box?"
"1: yup!"
"Yes. That was something I heard in undergrad. That was pretty much the whole convo."
"Dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life…." - AelizaW
That's Abuse - Not Romance
No Way What GIF by NBCGiphy"Cute young woman in the bus, a ballet dancer, to her friend:"
" 'Yeah so he got a restraining order against me. So unfair. Yeah I hit him with a bar, but you know, he should have fought back. I wouldn't have minded.' " - LaoBa
"Yeah, there's something wrong with that woman." - Cobrawine66
What Wouldn't Jesus Do?
I Will Survive Jesus GIF by hoppipGiphy"Religious girl threatened to gut a guy because he threw away a bible she put in his backpack to make him 'gayn't'
"For those lucky enough not to know, 'gayn't' means someone who WAS gay who is now NOT gay. The homophobic hellspawn wanted the dude to change his sexual orientation to straight and then threatened to kill him when he threw away a book he never wanted." - Risu-Mies
The Rich Kids
High School Flirt GIF by reactionseditorGiphy"I was in high school and kind of introverted and unpopular, and I pretty much became invisible to people if I sat and quietly read a book."
"So one time this happened while we were all sitting around during PE (I think maybe we were picking our next unit? Something that involved a lot of waiting in the bleachers, anyway.) A group of the school's wealthiest and most popular kids was sitting not far from me and just started telling wild sex and drug stories."
"And I realized that the rich kids weren't actually better behaved than the "burnout" crowd or the "bad" kids that were always in trouble--they just had more money to clean up their mistakes." - greeneyedwench
"HUGE mood. The wild sh*t I heard during senior year statistics..."
"The best one was probably 'No thanks, I quit smoking on Monday. I only do ecstasy now.' "
"Other tidbits from the same girl include, 'You don't know what it's like to get your stomach pumped' and 'I always know when someone is gay, I can smell it on them.' (the last while I sat directly beside her, attracting no notice despite presumably giving off some kind of gay pheromone.)"
"Honorary mention to the two guys who were trying to decide if putting alcohol up your butt made you gay or not, while one casually licked his fingers, dipped them into a baggie of protein powder, and ate it raw." - Briggsnotmyers
These Are The Worst Job Interviews Ever | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Alright, time to get physical. Let's move on to "Messier - but in a mature audience kind of way"
Just ... yeah...
Back In My Day
dj khaled sip GIF by Apple MusicGiphy"I overheard some old guy say 'there was none of this vajayjay eating back in my day.' " - VaginaChina
"And that's why his wife's tennis lessons always seemed to run late..." - Orange_Kid
"DJ Khaled isn't that old." - monettegia
A Kinky Game
phone GIFGiphy"I wasn't purposely eavesdropping. On two occasions, I arrived at work to find intimate conversations between an independent contractor I employed and his wife as voicemail messages on my work phone."
"They were really graphic."
"If there had been only one of these, I might have considered it something akin to a butt dial. But I suspected they were playing some kind of kinky game with me."
"The guy has since died, so I'll never know." - DWright_5
So... now that we're all uncomfortable, let's get out there and have a great day, okay?? lol.