Stupid is as stupid does. And it’s pretty obvious when some poor, misinformed, potentially ignorant soul needs to be put in their place. Luckily, there are a lot of witty ways to do just that. We love a good euphemism.
Wanna know the best way to call out stupidity when you see it? Stay tuned.
U/lientubay asked: What's the best euphemism for telling people that they're stupid?
Get a load of these sick burns. I swear, the people of Reddit are harsh.
Call outs are a universal language.
In Russian we have "intelligent thoughts have always followed him, but he was faster".
We have something similar in German: "Intelligence is chasing you, but you are faster."
Be your own Easter Bunny.
Looney Tunes Cartoon GIF
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You could hide your own Easter eggs.
The great Harvey Korman had some Alzheimer's @ 2005, and he still went on a talk show. They asked him how he was doing and he said he was OK. "Now I can hide my own Easter eggs." RIP.
That’s cold.
“At this point, you can only impress me."
This reminds me of something I saw in a show recently. One character said "Would you think less of me if ____." The other character said "I could never think less of you."
I lol’d.
I think I saw this one here previously "You aren't the biggest idiot in the world but you better hope they don't die".
Once told this to my brother, his immediate response was "hey, please don't die".
It takes a very intelligent person to properly call out a dumb person. Weird how that works, huh?
When the bears are smarter than the tourists.
GIF by Smokey Bear
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Now I know what Douglas Adams was talking about.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
As the park rangers in Yellowstone say- making a bear-proof trash can is very difficult due to the considerable overlap between the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.
That’s a gross mental image.
In Greece we say "when it was raining brains, you had an umbrella".
In German we ask God for help. "God, let there be raining brains" this sounds so weird but idk how to express it better lol.
Edit: In German it's "Gott, lass Hirn regnen".
It’s probably a bad sign when your lawyer calls you dumb.
Lawyer to client who shared detailed attorney-client privileged strategy memorandum with a whole bunch of people, including an adverse party:
Client: "Is there anything you can do to fix this?"
Attorney: "No, you've pretty much waived the privilege and now they know everything."
Client: "Is there anyway to put a positive spin on this?"
Attorney: "Well, I suppose the judge might buy that this proves that you lack the mental capacity to form specific intent."
These next ones are just plain cold, but probably very much deserved.
Meanness from a Canadian is probably well-earned.
eric cartman GIF by South Park
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On a Canadian jobsite
Ahh Terry, having you around is like losing three good men.
Oof, that’s harsh.
He's so far behind he thinks he's first.
I had a keychain as a kid that said, "She who laughs last thinks slowest.”
Those are some gross socks.
Once heard someone say "Well he's about as sharp as a sock full of soup".
"Sharp as a marshmallow" was one that went around my friend circle.
In the words of the great prophets Smash Mouth, “I ain’t the sharpest tool in the shed”. That self-burn is perhaps one of the most classic euphemisms. And I just almost misspelled “euphemism”. So I can definitely relate to that lyric.
A good way to exercise your brain? Keep thinking of creative ways to insult people. Trust me, it works like a charm
No, it's a 3.
My friend and I went to a gas station while out cruising around and she bought some munchies. She put a five on the counter and the cashier stared down at it like she'd never seen such a thing exist, and asked, without moving...
"Is that a 5?"
To this day I have no idea why she was so flummoxed by a five dollar bill sitting next to her cash register.
As opposed to...?
GiphyA: Where can I find a security guard?
Me: Security is located in the pavilion over there. They can be reached 24 hours a day.
A: What if I need them at night?
At least they were trying to be helpful.
*Trying to move one of those big, multi purpose weight machines, and they noticed it's set to its heaviest setting*
"Why don't we set it to its lightest setting so it'll be lighter?"
To their credit, they realized about ten seconds later why that was a dumb question.
It's the same thing!
I used to work in retail when I was 16.
I was cashiering when a woman came up and gave me a coupon for 20% off the total purchase. When I told her the total she seemed displeased and asked me, "did it take 20% each item or the entire total?" And I had to desperately explain to her that it's the exact same thing.
The city of Florida.
My mom asked me if Florida is in California. We're Canadian and she's been to both states.
I completed a doctoral degree with someone who thought Alaska was an island because that's how it looks on maps. We live in the continental US.
Fair answer though.
I was the one asking the stupid question. When I was like 12 I was at a taco food truck at the county fair and my options were either a shrimp or chicken taco. I meant to ask "is there a difference in price" because the fair always gets ya and instead I only said "what's the difference?"
The lady said "Well one's shrimp and one's chicken."
And I felt stupid.
Um, what?
GiphyI am quite tall in comparison to the average height of where I live.
A coworker: "Don't you think you are being a bit inconsiderate, being so tall?"
I still don't know what they were trying to say.
....yes?
I was talking to someone and mentioned that I had visited Japan the previous year.
"Oh, is that where Japanese people come from?"
I was taken aback for like 3 seconds before I stammered out a yeah.
What's the logic here?
I have two roommates. We split the cost of household supplies (toilet paper, paper towels, garbage bags, etc) I recently went to Target and bought these things. Divided the cost by 3 and told everyone what I was doing.
One of them asked if this meant she "gets money back" because she had just venmo'd me January's rent. this is just one of many insanely stupid questions she has asked.
Kids say the darndest things.
GiphyWhen I was teaching at an elementary one of my 5th graders asked me if I knew when people and things stopped being black and white and changed into color.
February 30th.
Client called at 8am, livid, and said "You guys are a terrible company that can't even build a calendar app right, I tried to make a booking for 30 February and couldn't even find it. Tell me how do I make a booking for 30 Feb if it only displays till 29 Feb?"
Google squared.
"If you look up Google on google does it bring you to Google google?" This person was dead serious and that was the day I lost faith in humanity.
It's a superpower.
Giphy"Can you take off your glasses?"
"Yes... I can?" *Takes them off*
"I never knew you can take glasses off"
Fair point.
I'm colorblind and was telling a girl in my gym class about this.
Me: "Yeah, I've been told that I'm red-green color blind, according to my eye doctor."
Girl: "So, are the other colors the same for you as they are for me?"
Me: "I wouldn't know, I've never seen what they look like for you."
Fair point.
"Well I did [unsafe thing] and I turned out fine!" Yeah, that's because the people who died doing it usually don't speak up about it much.
I hate when this is in the context of unsafe food (eg, frozen chicken that my previous roommate left to thaw in the fridge for 2+ weeks). I'm an epidemiologist and have worked on foodborne outbreaks, this is literally my job. Death is irreversible, so of course you haven't died from it, but it sure as sh*t will give you the runs (the actual outcome we're actually worried about). And stop contaminating my f*cking kitchen with your unsafe food practices, TRISHA.
This is true.
Giphy"Don't eat that, do you know it has chemicals in it?"
Everything has chemicals in it. Be specific about what is dangerous then.
That's messed up.
"I had a sh*tty childhood and I turned out fine." If you're making your kid's childhood sh*tty just because of that reason, you did not turn out fine.
My mom had the same logic and I admit that I unconsciously absorbed it. Now I'm doing everything I can to break the cycle.
Bad excuse.
"But it's Christmas" to try get anything they want.
For example, I'm a bar manager, group comes in 20 minutes after service stopped trying to get a drink,
"Sorry we've stopped serving." "But it's Christmas you should serve us!"
Unfortunately your £20 in the till isn't worth the potential loss of my personal license.
F*cking Gail.
GiphyTrust. "We just need to trust the people we work with." The entire reason I'm bringing this is up is because Gail is a moron. Why is this being turned on me?
Doesn't stop me from doing it.
Microwaving your food is bad because of the radiation.
Now I can microwave my ramen in a styrofoam cup!
So dumb.
It's my opinion and facts shall not change it.
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.
Always be careful.
GiphyWhen you're explaining to them about Internet privacy they say, "why should I care I don't do anything wrong?"
I've heard this argument used for DNA databases too. Particularly for mandated paternity tests at birth.
It's not that I'm worried it's not my kid, or that I've committed a crime and am worried I'll be caught. It's that I absolutely don't trust any company or government to not cock it up and either accidentally link me to something or maliciously implicate me.
That doesn't make sense.
You changed your opinion based on new information, that shows weakness and untrustworthiness.
Isn't this what you're supposed to do? Aren't people ridiculed for not doing this?
TRUE.
The one that sh*ts me off is 'Natural = good/healthy', and that 'Artificial = bad/unhealthy'
As if our species hasn't spent millennia creating un-natural buildings and cities for comfortable living, or developing un-natural vaccines and antibiotics to treat all the very natural diseases that have killed billions.
Fair.
Giphy"If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" At this point I wouldn't need friends to do that.
Truth.
Just because someone in school has a lower grade than so and so doesn't make them stupid. The grading system has to be looked at more in detail than a percentage.
Listen up, parents.
GiphyMy least favorite is probably "Because I said so" What in the hell is that supposed to mean? It means that there is no logical reason for why you're denying what I'm asking of you, other than that you're lazy.
That's a talent.
Giphy"When I eat string cheese I make the strings as small as possible before eating them."
"It takes me an average of 30min to eat one. An hour if I'm really trying to annoy my wife."
"It's really weird how we like certain foods exponentially more the thinner it is cut/prepared/stripped off/whatever."
Borderline orgasmic.
"My dad served us underripe fruit my entire childhood because to him firm = good and soft = bad. The first time I had a mango that was actually ripe I was an adult and the experience was borderline orgasmic."
Wrappers
"There was a comment a long time ago from a guy who found out in adulthood that you aren't supposed to eat the cupcake wrappers when someone looked horrified when he ate it."
An important skill.
Giphy"When I first ate edamame I chewed up the entire pod and couldn't figure out why people enjoyed eating them. I did't realize you're just supposed to eat the bean inside the pod."
"I felt so cool when I was able to teach my son this the first time he ate edamame. I mainly felt cool because I had been doing it wrong my entire life and had been corrected by a coworker just two weeks prior."
Never change.
"I've been eating tamales with the husk on for years before I saw the last post of this."
"No one ever corrected me, and some people seven started to eat the husk too, like I had some inside knowledge about it. (Speak Spanish, work as a chef)"
"I'm f*cking dumb. I still eat the husk though."
Doesn't sound like something a doctor would do....
Giphy"A man once sued a restaurant in Miami for serving him an artichoke which he promptly ate all of. I don't mean like "he finished the artichoke" - I mean that this guy, who apparently is a Doctor, just ate the entire thing, including all of the inedible parts."
"For those of you who have never encountered an Artichoke, the edible part of the plant is a fleshy substance that is on the inside parts of the leaves. You scrape it off and eat that part and discard the leaves. The artichoke heart, at the middle of all of the leaves, is also edible (and delicious). The stem and the fibrous leaves are not edible. Well I guess except to this guy."
Broil
"When I was a kid I was at a party they had a huge seafood broil. I had never had shrimp where you had to peel the shell off, so I just started eating them. Like 19 of them. After I was done some people sat down at my table and all started peeling their shrimp and that's when I realized I was an idiot."
Not eating it like a human.
"My friend eats popcorn by picking the fluffy parts away from each piece and discarding the "seed" center."
"Every time I tell him he's an idiot but he's too stubborn to just eat a d*mn piece of popcorn like a human."
That should be illegal.
"My buddy's step dad puts sugar in his mac and cheese. Sometimes I think about it and I can't sleep."
Ah yes, a peeled hot dog.
Giphy"I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who does these thing but here we go. I also didn't quit the way of eating I gained because at this point it's a habit. Before eating a hot dog I would peel the skin right off the sausage then eat the hot dog, I also ate the skin."
"When I drink milk I would keep gulps of milk in my mouth until it got all warm then slowly drink it, I would also warm my milk in the microwave."
Monkeys know their sh*t.
"Bananas. 99% People open it the wrong way. It's actually easier to open from the bottom part, if you pinch that black tip with your thumb and index and peel from there. Monkeys eat it like that and they know a thing or two about bananas."
The more you know.
"English muffins are meant to be split with a fork, not a knife. Using a fork keeps the air bubbles intact, whereas a knife just squishes them all together, making you lose all the holey goodness."
Yup.
Giphy"Sunflower seeds."
"Didn't know until like a year ago you were supposed to spit out the shell lol"
"My friends would always give me terrified looks whenever I eat them."
I legit want to throw up.
"Pasta with ketchup. I've lived 22 years thinking that everybody was doing it.. But then I joined an american Facebook group and got attacked by very angry ketchup haters."
"Pasta with sugar and butter are also the best thing ever!"
We had to take notes on some of these! Great tips.
Do you have some food stories to share? Let us know in the comments below.