Compromise is important in a relationship. Everybody has to do it. But there are just some traits or actions that a big no-go when it comes to compromise. And you shouldn't feel bad about it.
Sorry
Sorry I Love Lucy GIF by Paramount+Giphy"Not being able to apologize. Everybody makes mistakes, doesn't matter. Own up to it and I respect you even more. Seek excuses? Bye!"
Own It!
"No accountability. In fact, having absolutely no sense of accountability for their actions. Believe me it is more common than you think."
"My ex was just like this- I found myself apologizing for her mistakes, and she expected me to grovel when I made any minor error. And the gaslighting, mind games and guilt trips... holy crap. When I called her out, I was "lecturing her." I thank my lucky stars that I had the sense to get out when I did."
Cheer Up!
"Complaining about everything."
"My ex too. It was unbelievably draining. I could handle it most of the time, but the worst was when in a situation where everyone is miserable (e.g. getting stuck outside in the rain). It's like, hey, everyone here is having a bad time right now, but by complaining constantly you're just dumping more misery on top of it for everyone."
The Menu
"Kind of a subset of this for me is being a picky eater. I dated a girls for over two years who ate nothing but macaroni and cheese and chicken tenders. Never freaking again. I've broken it off with two otherwise very nice and attractive girls over this. I'm not spending my life restricted to restaurants that sell chicken tenders and having to grocery shop for two different dinners every single night."
- username deleted
Fibs...
Lying Simon Rex GIF by Simon Rex / Dirt NastyGiphy"Lying, saying stuff about you behind your back, being mean to people for no reason, being fake."
Ladies, ladies, ladies... listen up. Now don't think men aren't just as culpable, but y'all ain't perfect. Don't lie, start there. Shall we learn more?
Failed
fail black and white GIFGiphy"No "test" behaviour. Be straightforward or I'll assume you're likely to instigate dumb crap drama. Honesty for honesty."
"red flag"
"Doesn't let you have time to yourself/ heir entire life revolves around you to the point that they suffocate you."
- jalo12
"To add on - if a partner is controlling of your relationships with friends and family, and generally won't let you exist as your own person, "red flag" is understating it. You should be able to at least occasionally do things without your partner."
"You should be able to have private spaces and private thoughts. You should be able to maintain existing relationships and create new ones. I dated someone once who was insistent as to how I slept, and didn't like it if I tried to get into a more comfortable position. Surprise surprise, also came with a side of emotional abuse and manipulation."
- Kradget
911 Operators Break Down The Strangest Call They've Ever Received | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Basics
"Zero effort put into simple maintenance actions. Simply picking up after yourself is deferred repeatedly when it can be done and over in ten seconds. Inflexible mind, or unwilling to learn new things or see other perspectives. Seeing the fault in others, but inability to perceive such in themselves."
Counting Ability
"If they are terrible with finances."
"Money is cited in the top 3 reasons for divorce, always. And money affects every facet of life. My BIL married a gal who was always a next thing away from getting her financial sh*t together. Anyway, he's living with us now, after his 2-year marriage ended, because, it turns out, people who are bad with money and have no real interest in saving, likely will not change."
- abqkat
try to be fun...
John C Mcginley Reaction GIFGiphy"No sense of humor. Either a lack of sense of humor or incompatible sense of humor. I want to be able to laugh at the same stuff together."
Be Civilized
"If you can't have a civilized argument with them. If small differences at the start of the relationship already turn into screaming, shouting, insulting etc. just think about how those important discussions later in the relationship will go."
"This is a pretty big deal. It goes hand in hand with escalating small problems. What could've ended with "oh ok, I'm sorry" turns into "are you calling me stupid" and that turns into "no! You're stupid, and everything about you is stupid!"
"Some folks don't know how to approach a problem aside scream at it. Or if it's a personal problem, they flip it into a personal attack. This is someone that both does not know how to see a problem, let alone address it. Not enough emotional maturity to hold a healthy relationship."
Disrespect...
"Lack of respect for my boundaries. I learned this lesson the hard way once, I've got no intention of letting it happen again. "Tests" and indirect behavior. If you want something tell me. I'm not playing a game just to see if I'm "worth" your attention. You don't treat the things I care about or respect seriously. It shows me you won't even put in the effort to act like you care. The idea of "I don't have to bring anything to the table and you have to bring everything."
"If you're a deadbeat leech I'm not interested in wasting my time on you. If they breathe their politics too loudly. I'm fully open to someone who doesn't perfectly align to my idea of a worldview but if they're super loud about it that looks incredibly cringy and tactless. I don't care if it's for something I agree with or not. There's more to life than mindless tribalism."
Behind the Back
Fuck You Season 4 GIF by FriendsGiphy"Seeing how they speak to other people, especially when they aren't around, if they crap talk their friends when they aren't around why would you think they wouldn't do that to you as well. Also, if they can't keep a secret."
- AL_drew
Too Much
"A girl I work with said she had to make her boyfriend have fights with her because he wouldn't before. She said she told him "look this isn't gonna work if you won't get into arguments with me." It sounded to me like a relationship with her would be very toxic."
- Poopoodl
"I had a boyfriend in college who complained that I didn't get angry or fight with him. Before me he was dating an older girl who had two kids and she was abusive. She would show up to his house randomly and they would fight/scream at each other all the time. I guess he thought that's what love looked like. I just wanted peace and someone to have sex with looool."
Look into my Eyes
"They spend 90% of their free time sat on their phone but get annoyed when you play a few hours of PlayStation to relax."
"Yeah that's some people in general, My best mate since childhood moved to another country and was always "so busy", took hours, sometimes days to reply a simple message, but when he came to visit he was on the phone 95% of the time. To the point where it was hard to maintain a conversation (in person) because he's busy in the phone. Oh but when THEY need something from you, suddenly they are the chattiest people around and answer in miliseconds. I don't even bother anymore."
Themselves
"Huge red flag when they ask you for every little detail when you've been somewhere without them i.e out with friends or something, and basically accusing you of cheating then getting overly defensive and secretive (showing really strong cheater signs) themselves."
All about them!
Jane Birkin Dancing GIF by Film at Lincoln CenterGiphy"If they're full of themselves, can't have someone who can't joke and make fun of themselves and bases life on how many likes they get on social media."
Cleanliness is next to Godliness...
"Met this girl in college, nice personality, smoking hot body, invited her over to my dorm for some Netflix n' Chill and quickly noticed she had a... how to put it delicately... a severe BO problem, I'm talking rank and when she took her shoes off it was worse than some of the guys I use to play basketball with. Ok, not a deal breaker, maybe she just had a long day and hadn't had a chance to take a shower, happens to all of us."
"So we got together a few more times and if anything it got worse, so I tried dropping some subtle hints. She finally told me she was into something called "natural hygiene" and didn't bath more than once every couple weeks or ever use deodorant, soap or shampoo. Nope... my penis was screaming yes, but my nose vetoed it, I was out."
- Dervrak
Handle It
"Handles problems badly. Meaning, will become very demanding or sullen. Need someone who is calm in stressful situations, life is full of huge problems that will need two to deal with properly."
"These are all good answers but I'm surprised this one isn't higher, if you're looking for an actual life partner you need someone who can handle their crap when the going gets tough."
3 Strikes...
Baseball Youre Out GIF by WAXGiphy"A broke off with a girl on our 3rd date because she was mad I wasn't jealous. So I guess jealousy? Toxicity in general?"
It's not hard to be yourself in a relationship. In a potential love match, you should be as much yourself as possible. So stay honest and own up to your flaws and your partner will do the same. And if not, you can write a thread about the men.
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Personally, if a person has done their work, we share values, and they bring a solid playlist to the game, they've got a good chance of getting my attention. But my absolute deal breaker is fun.
If you don't approach life with an eye for fun then we absolutely cannot be in a romantic relationship. I have a blast by myself and laugh my way through the day. If a person isn't improving that, then no thank you.
One Reddit user asked:
What is a relationship deal-breaker for you?
So let's talk about it, fam!
Patient And Supportive
I have a good deal of trauma that I am working through in therapy, as well as depression and anxiety.
If someone can't be patient with me and supportive of my healing then they've no place in my life as a romantic partner. And because of my anxiety, with how bad it can get, I need someone who isn't going to yell or snap at me for it. I grew up with my parents telling me I was constantly over reacting and invalidating my emotions.
And then there's obvious things such as manipulation and cheating.
Nothing More Profoundly Selfish
mothers day smoking GIFGiphySmoking. Not going to deal with it. I don't want to smell your stink. I don't want to kiss an ashtray. I don't want to damage my lungs with your pollution. I don't want to watch you die a slow wasting death decades before you should have. I've watched it happen to half of my family. Your heart breaks. But you also hate them for it just a little bit...
There is nothing more profoundly selfish than smoking.
Clutter
Someone who isn't conscious about how much clutter there is in the house.
I lived in a house with my mother and she is an EXTREEEEME hoarder, and so the house is so cluttered. There's only like three paths in the entire house. They start from the couch where she sleeps and go to"
the bathroom
the TV
and the kitchen - which is the most disgusting room in the house. It's got all this dirty water in the sink, dead food in the entire room, and the fridge has mold growing in it.
I never let any of my friends come visit because of how disgusting it was. It's almost like the house from resident evil 7, but without the bits of broken down flooring and such.
Also, I was afraid that their parents weren't going to let me be their friend anymore. Now I keep my little apartment as clean as I can -with the exception of dust, because I don't own a duster.
The Deception Is The Problem
So I'll add one that's a bit unusual. I'm in a poly relationship with several people. Everyone knows; although not all of them are poly themselves, they at least know up front where I am.
The deal breaker is concealing a relationship. If one of my partners goes on a date with someone, I'm cheering for it to go well. I hope they had a great time, and it won't bother me at all if they develop a relationship.
So then, there's absolutely no reason to hide anything. If I find out that one of my partners has been seeing someone and hasn't told me, then the relationship is over, full stop. I don't care if you're seeing someone, why are you lying to me about it? The deception is the problem.
Changing The Deal Breakers Is A Deal Breaker
Going back on your word about a deal breaker and pretending like you didn't.
I don't care if you change your mind on something, but tell me. Don't just sit on it until it comes up.
My ex did this 2.5 years into the relationship, denied he ever agreed that something was a deal breaker. But he did agree, enthusiastically. He later told me I was ridiculous for it being a deal breaker.
I was adopted and given a wonderful life. I know it's not for everyone, and that's totally cool. But he went for hours about how great it was and that he'd love to give a good home to a child like one was given to me.
2.5 years in and he told me that it was stupid for that to be a deal breaker and I just wanted to do what my mom did, etc.
My current husband and I agreed that adoption is definitely on the table for us. It's not set in stone, but the option is there. Lots of kids need good homes.
- LeeVH1
A Fitness Fixation
frustrated jump GIFGiphyDifferent fitness level than me. But I'm not talking about this in a "looks" way.
I'm really athletic and do athletic type stuff as a hobby: hiking, backpacking, climbing. But I do it to the max. I seek out extreme experiences. I enjoy harsh climates, test your metal type level stuff.
I've had partners that do this level of activity with me and its awesome, and that's what I prefer. So a partner needs to not only be interested in that stuff and capable of physically keeping up with it.
Space Is A Must
If he won't give me my space.
I do not text back instantly, and I'm not into spending every waking moment in contact. I have other things I enjoy or need to engage in besides a romantic relationship, let me have my own life.
Being Overly clingy / jealous
My ex from college would text me all the time - on Facebook, MSM that would cluster my notifications, etc. They would get jealous of the dude that would sell me my favorite chocolate filled donuts or anyone really that spoke with me. Also, holding my arm like if I was gonna poof out of existence if they let go and give me some space.
The List Potentially Expands Forever
Irresponsibility/unaccountability.
Using your phone constantly, even on a date.
Homophobia/racism/sexism/any form of hateful behaviour like that.
Wanting kids.
Having different love languages that the other person won't try to invest in.
Sex pests...!
Smoking.
Drugs.
Excessive drinking.
A lot of these I didn't know I had until previous relationships had presented these issues to me... They've now become a litmus test for any future relationships, and who knows, the list may expand with every new relationship I get. 😂
Shh
Talking during movies.
This cannot be upvoted enough.
When I go solo to the movies and people start talking, I've lost all patience for the insolence; you get one "shh", then I say "Hey Siskel and Ebert, save it for AFTER the movie"
...granted I haven't done it in a while since the movie theatre has been shut down for the past 6+ months. Prior to that I used to say "no one has paid to hear you talk, please stop"
I also go up to people who break out their phone and tap them on the shoulder and tell them "Please turn your phone off, it's disrupting the other patrons"
Angry All The Time
There are a couple of little ones like being racist, messy, or have no social skills. But a big deal breaker for me is when they're angry all the time and do nothing about it.
Like in the mornings? I understand not being a morning person but mornings happen. Deal with it. When they don't want to ever go on a morning walk or make breakfast until 11am, etc. that's a deal breaker. I don't want to deal with someone who is always in a bad mood.
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