First dates can be a lot of pressure. You barely know the person you’re going out with, and maybe you’ve talked a bit in person, but this is the first time you’re going to be with them one-on-one for an extended period of time.
The activity can make or break a first date.
Sometimes, a relationship that could’ve been really special never even starts because the first date was bad.
I like to walk around New York City on dates, and duck into whatever store or restaurant looks interesting. It’s a good way to get to do something you’ve always wanted to but never had a chance to (on one of my first dates, walking around the city led us to get our fortunes told), and it’s a great way to get to know the other person.
The women of Reddit have their own ideas on what an ideal first date would be, and they’re ready to share!
It all started when Redditor PhantomHydraPH asked:
“Girls of Reddit, what would be your ideal first date?”
The Supernatural Treatment
"Beer followed by ghost hunting and then ending the date at 8am over crappy diner breakfast."
– SeattleCoffeeRoast
Just Keep Moving
"Early on we had what my wife refers to as the epic date. Started with lunch, then a movie, then rock climbing, then dinner, then swing dancing, then back to her place. Was like 12 hours total. Figured anyone that could up with me that much was a keeper."
– Dyolf_Knip
The Great Escape
"A guy actually took me to do an escape room on the first date. It was actually pretty cool because not only was it an activity where we had something to focus on/break the ice, but was able to gauge how we would solve problems together right off the bat. Didn't work out with the guy past the second date but I always thought as far as first dates go it was a pretty good idea!"
"Bonus: weren't able to have our phones in the escape room so no distractions. Also they take a picture of your escape room group after so if the relationship worked out you have a cute pic from your first date :)"
– Successful-Income-22
""If we don't succeed, we'll have to be TOGETHER FOREVER!!!""
– ImpracticallySharp
Time For A Getaway
"Something casual that doesn’t have a big time commitment. Drinks, coffee, ice cream, or lunch/dinner"
– Appropriate_Tea9048
"I took my now girlfriend to a rooftop bar for drinks and apps. Spent the entire night talking. It was super chill and casual , it didn't feel like a date."
– Zomb1stuv
"Hey so - yeah, that worked for me. We did like a 7 or 8:00 coffee and dessert chill get together at a place that I knew of that well, had really good both. That was my last ever 2nd date, been together 12 years now."
"Its all upsides as far as I'm concerned: No pressure of a full dinner or anything, less formal, also some people are self conscious about what they order or eat in front of another person so it kind of eliminates that anxiety. The place itself is a conversation catalyst - if you pick someplace kind of neat, notice things about it, talk about what you like and don't like. If you've never been there before, "hey check this out" comes up a lot, or "hey, I've been here before and this one thing was *amazing* or "I've been wanting to try this since last time I was here" and all that."
"I should preface by saying that wasn't our FIRST first date, our first one was I met up with two and two of her friends someplace. First off, I left a good impression by not being surprised or mad she brought friends. We met online. You don't know anything about me but what I've told you, I totally get that you don't want to meet a guy alone for the first time. I managed to keep the whole both entertained for a while before it was time to head out."
"Lets keep this rolling: 2nd date should be something fun, not necessarily evening. For example every Saturday in the summer our town has a Riverfront Market with tons of vendor booths, food trucks, its pet friendly, farmers market stuff, live music and all that. Great place to just walk around and browse, grab a coffee or a pretzel, and just see what's going on. You still have something to *do* together so you're less likely to stall and feel on the spot, and you can get a feel for their interests and personality walking around in a place like that. See what they comment on or show interest in, and they can do the same. Its even better if you run into people you know."
– sohcgt96
Be Seen
"Somewhere public, but not crowded or organized. Like a fair or a festival where we can just walk around and chat and maybe go on a ride or play some games. I like rollercoasters so if you are close to an amusement park of some kind that'd be nice. It's going to differ for each woman though, I'm more wild and fun-loving!"
– TheTurbulentTeacher
"Somewhere public, but not crowded or organized"
"So not an MLM recruiting seminar. Got it."
– ncconch
Healthy Competition
"Putt putt! I think some type of activity with a little competition is a fun way to break the ice. Putt putt requires some skill but a lot is also luck so anyone can do it."
– summoe
"That sounds fun. I enjoy games."
– OriginalDarkDagger
"Something mildly competitive but mostly just fun, like going to an arcade, or one of those axe/knife throwing places, bowling or something like that. Then drinks and a bite. But really, if someone actually thought out ahead of time a plan to take me anywhere and then did it I’d be psyched no matter what we did."
– petrichor-punk
Investigation
"On the first date, I do a identification check, résumé check, credit check, diploma/certification check, and a charge for my time. It’s crazy out there and those platforms lie."
– Likeitisouthere
...HUH?!
"Whatever you do, don't take a girl on a "mystery surpise date!" that ends up being a nude beach, and then ask her to film you nakedly frolicking in the sea. This should not be followed up by a lunch at Panda Express where you give her very detailed stories of your (limited but bizarre) sexual encounters. Also, do not drag her to a Best Buy store after lunch so you can watch free TV on the displays."
"(I never again allowed a guy to pick me up for a date 👀)"
– fancifulsnails
"Oh my god, I am laughing but crying at the same time because yeah, how about NO! Does NO! work for you?"
"Also, always have your own transportation for a date in case you need to leave for reasons."
– eddyathome
Do Something
"Yea bowling, museum, then some food and talking is the way. As I have a bit of a hard time opening up with people, when it's just sitting across from each other the whole time. Need a bit of an activity, to loosen things up a bit. Also interesting to see if they are a sore loser, or willing to share techniques on how to do something. Just small ways, to see more about the person's character. As opposed to eating first and wondering if the other person, is putting on a front for you or not."
– LurkingAintEazy
"I agree with this. It should be casually competitive and random. Axe throwing would be fun."
– Burrito_Loyalist
Just One Date
"Drinks and a chat in a random pub, where we’ll play pool and I will demonstrate how cool and breezy I am and then to a gig where I will proceed to show you how uncool I actually am and then we fall in love so I never have to go on a first date again"
– NinetysRoyalty
Simple Works Too
"Married lady here, my first date with my now-husband was going to see a movie we both knew would be kinda bad, then grabbing drinks and a quick bite at a casual restaurant across the street."
"First dates don't have to be fancy, you don't need to pull out all these stops to woo the lady or ~sweep her off her feet~, you just have to be good company. It's all about the connection, not how much you spend or how romantic you make it."
"Also, just a bit of advice, a first date should always always always be in public, with other people around. Not a hangout at your place, and not a walk in the woods."
– VisualCelery
Stop And Smell The Roses
"Botanical garden!"
– yuzuandgin
"I’m liking this one. I’m convinced a botanical garden would force everyone to focus on the plants, weather, surroundings, etc. And in my experience, everyone’s living this hectic go-go lifestyle that it’s really lovely to see someone stop and admire plants, their leaves, etc. I’ve gone to a few botanical gardens, and the amount of times I’ve gotten caught up in smelling a flower or comparing my hand to the size of a humongous leaf, it’s fun! Also, one of the most attractive men I ever met would really stop in his tracks to admire the skyline and his surroundings, and his responses were genuine. Caught me off guard..."
– JminusRomeo
"I also like this. I love taking pictures of nature walking alone at a leisurely pace. If I found someone who also enjoyed this, that'd be more fun. Maybe they'd suggest a photo I would have thought of. They'd probably be more relaxed in general as a person. It also means talking about nature. People who enjoy nature are usually pretty cool."
– eddyathome
Read, Read, Read!
“Did this once with an ex. Went to a bookstore, looked around at the books and talked about what we had read etc, then we went and had a drink at a nearby bar. Then, each of us briefly got up from the table went back to the bookstore and got a book for the other person that we thought they would like. And then we discussed why we thought they would like the book over those drinks. It was really fun.”
– WhoIsYerWan
“This is good because it shows the other person you actually listened to them and thought about them. Also, books.”
– eddyathome
“Also interchangeable with coffee if drinks are not an option.”
– WhoIsYerWan
“Two bookworms' shared dream eh?”
– youraveragemasochist
Books and coffee? Sign me up!
Do you have an ideas to add? Let us know in the comments below.
People Confess The Real Reason They Didn't Go On A Second Date With Someone
You see, dating can be fun and all, until you run into someone worth running far, far away from.
It's nice to know, once you've returned home from another disastrous or disappointing date, that you're not alone, that other people have also had trouble meeting people.
Or does dating just suck? Hmm.
More research is needed on this.
People shared their most cringeworthy stories after Redditor AnimeReaperGirl asked the online community:
"Men and women of Reddit, what made you NOT want a second date with someone?"
"I paid for our coffees..."
"Many years ago I agreed to meet a lady in a coffee shop for a date. She turns up with four screaming kids in tow who climb all over the chairs and just about wreck the place. I paid for our coffees and took my leave."
particlegun
That's annoying and so awkward–good thing you were able to make a quick exit!
"She spoke really loudly..."
"She spoke really loudly all through the movie in the theater yet hushed at anyone who made the tiniest of sounds."
NoseHairDread
People who talk at the cinema are the worst.
"On a first date..."
"On a first date at a coffee shop, the guy picked up my foot (I was wearing cute sandals). He rubbed my foot for a second and I was like WTF, then he put my all of my toes in his mouth."
"At the table."
"In the coffeeshop."
gingermonkey1
Okay, this one horrified me.
Did you call the police?!
"I met a girl at work..."
"I met a girl at work who decided to invite me over to her house to hang out. Everything was cool until I went to the bathroom. The bathroom was an absolute wreck, hadn't been cleaned in maybe years, there was scum and hair everywhere."
"I could have dealt with all that but when I raised the lid to take a piss I saw a turd floating in some water and pee with a piece of toilet paper over it. She had just been in there a bit before myself. I flushed, peed and then called it a night."
diamond5031
Something similar happened to me once.
The bathroom smelled horrible, too.
I made a quick excuse, grabbed my things and left.
"We went for a one hour walk..."
"We went for a one-hour walk and during that time he let me say about a total of 10 words and spent the rest of the time talking to me about his money or answering his own questions."
TrainOfSaurus_Rex
Ah, yes.
The constant talker.
You're not missing much.
Hope you've found someone worth your time who actually listens to you.
"He boasted..."
"He boasted about driving drunk and crashing his car."
smitten430kittens
There are red flags, and then there are RED flags... and the red lights he likely drove through on his way to you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
"She had already put our pictures through..."
"She had already put our pictures through one of those 'what would your baby look like' apps and started talking about how we would raise them."
TheGentlemenJas
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
Nooooo...
"At first I thought..."
"Met a girl on a dating site. We chatted about two weeks, got along pretty well. She invites me to come to her place for a date."
"When I get there, theres a U-haul truck outside. Turns out she's in the middle of packing up and moving to another state, and just wanted help with the heavy lifting. She hadnt mentioned any of this in our conversations."
"At first I thought maybe it was a roommate moving out or something like that. When she made it clear she was the one moving, I just said, 'Well, good luck with the move then!' and got the heck out of there."
O2K30C1
Wow, the nerve of this woman.
If she wanted some movers, she could have paid for them!
"Her boyfriend..."
"Her boyfriend that I knew nothing about showed up."
Kaedon_Bolas
Something tells me this didn't end awkwardly like some silly romantic comedy.
How awful.
"At the end..."
"I was telling a story about airport security trying to confiscate a brick of cheese that had become quite soft after a few hours out of the fridge and how I just ate the whole brick out of spite. He kept interrupting the story to make jokes comparing the cheese to his flaccid penis."
"At the end, after he tricked me into hugging him, he looked me dead in the eye and said "Next time, vagina."
piratesmarchy
What is WRONG with people?
Sounds like a total incel.
Why does dating have to be so complicated?
You know that saying about there being plenty of fish in the sea? Unfortunately, you sometimes need to do A LOT of fishing before you find someone worthwhile because of stories like these.
Have experiences of your own that you'd like to share? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Suddenly ceasing all forms of communication with someone is colloquially known as ghosting.
Anyone committing the practice says a lot about their character and are instantly pegged as someone who has no regard for people's feelings.
And while we default to criticizing the individual – whether they are a coworker, friend, or even a romantic interest – have you ever wondered if there is ever a valid excuse for their actions?
Curious to hear about the other perspective, Redditor are_we_human_ asked:
"People who have ghosted friends permanently: Why did you do it?"
When Talking Does Not Help
These people thought the individual did not need an explanation for slipping out.
Tired Conversations
"When I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around them constantly. Like it felt like no matter what I said, it was always the wrong thing. I'd be asked for my honest opinion on something and no matter how I answered it was the wrong thing. Or even if I did so much as say 'I legitimately don't have any input for this, it's out of my wheelhouse', well…wrong answer."
"It got to the point where I got tired of just feeling like no matter what I said it was wrong and I just let the conversation die and dead it has been for a year or so."
– We1tfunk
Waiting To Make A Move
"I've technically done this by going 'okay, I'm always initiating the conversation, so now I'm going to let them message me first' and then never hearing from them again."
Your Turn
"Yeah, I've done this. The whole 'ok, your turn to take the lead' thing and they never contacted me again. When you couple it with the realization that the only time they were contacting you was to ask for a favor, you realize where things really stood."
– tah4349
Detoxing
For people wanting to cut off negative relationships, ghosting was the only solution.
Distancing From Troubled Relationships
"Because I found out he was verbally abusing his child and physically abusing his wife. Tried to do more for the wife and child but she went and denied it all when social services got involved. Sadly they are still together and he is still a drunk who hasn't changed."
"At that point I had to pull my family away from that and move on with life."
"Was my best friend since childhood and I never knew any of it all that time. 🤦♂️"
No Time For Fake Drama
"She kept lying to me. Really stupid small and mainly harmless lies - concerts she'd gone to, how many times she took her driving test, people she's dated. It's like she would forget that we'd been besties since we were 14 and were now in our 20's so I knew who she'd dated, concerts and driving test etc."
"She tried to get back in touch 5yrs later, messaging my sister and other school friends on FB saying she had desperately been trying to get in touch with me. She hadn't. I still lived in the same house, had the same mobile number and email etc"
"Eventually I got in touch with her and asked her to meet for coffee. Although it was lovely to see her and I genuinely missed her as we had some of the best times of our young lives together it became clear pretty quickly that she was still a liar but they had got bigger. Now she was saying her sister had attempted suicide and her daughter was nearly killed by a bus. I got really angry at her for telling such sh**ty lies like this which she tried to deny she was until I started asking her for details of when, where and how these things happened and she stumbled."
"I walked away and haven't heard from her since and I'm relieved. I don't need fake drama."
Too Many Lies
"Impulsive liars. I had close to the same situation. I wish I would've understood the thought processes and all that, the lying really gets old."
– lil_gusi
Being Used
"I learned I was just a friend of convenience. Nobody wanted me around unless I was a free atm, free tank of gas, or a free ear to b*tch to. Even though they did the bare minimum to act like they cared, my problems were my own. Yet I always had to be available for their weekly/monthly breakdowns about the most avoidable shit, like, saving money to pay a bill. Then it turns into b*tching about something we have planned they can no longer go to, being completely unsubtle that they expect me to offer to foot the bill. Or my personal fav, lying to me about having the money to go do said thing, and then at the last minute, declare they had some unexpected expense to take care of and are now broke, throwing expectant looks my way. But disagree, or get angry, or GOD FORBID say no to something, and it's years of silence. Finally, one day I just decided to keep it that way. Been silent ever since. Why care about ghosting someone when you were never really friends in the first place? Easiest decision ever."
Inconvenient Friendship
"She literally described my friendship as a burden. She said that she spent a lot of her time 'attending to' my messages and hang out time. An email or text message once or twice a week, and maybe a hang out session once a month is a burden? She then told me that I needed to 'think of a way to fix' our friendship."
"If my attention is a burden, then what exactly should I be doing? What does our friendship consist of if I cannot message you or hang out with you without being made to feel guilty about it? Why is it my responsibility to 'fix' our friendship when you're the one claiming it's broken?"
"I didn't exactly mean to ghost her...but every reply I came up with was filled with anger and hurt so I never sent it. It seems she'd be happier without me anyway."
Mean Girls
"One of the girls in my HS group was manipulative and had narcissistic traits."
"She was scheming who to be friends with to gain station and popularity, organized these sh*it talking campaigns to bully some of our classmates and make them seem ridiculous. And multiple times when we hung out she would make all these bitchy remarks at how I behaved and about the things I said. Not even backhandedly, though I think she was aiming to be subtle, and just sucked at it."
"It was ridiculously, the final nail on the coffin was when I was hanging out with a good friend of ours, my sister and this girl. And the whole night she makes these annoying comments at my behavior and interests. Once I finally told her that this is enough, and she needs to stop, she blamed me for flipping over a single small comment, while OBVIOUSLY my sister and one of my best friends had very clearly seen that she was using all my insecurities against me the whole night and that I did not in fact loose it over a single comment."
"Some of my friends still liked her and excused her behavior, so i simply stopped inviting her to places, talking to her and when invited somewhere together, avoided talking to her. After high school ended we didn't talk for years untill she recently sent a message apologizing."
The Antisemitic
"Dude I was friends with for a few years, one day out of seemingly nowhere he started spewing a bunch of anti-jew crap on facebook, essentially blaming the jews for any and every inconvenience or negative experience he or the world experiences. I unfriended him and never attempted contact again."
Too Clingy
People who felt their energy was being sucked away did what they had to do.
Not A Therapist
"He tried to cling to me as if his mental health was my responsibility. He really just couldn't comprehend the fact that having a friend is not the same as talking to a therapist."
Other Perpsective
"I was this friend and I didn't even realise it til she (thankfully only temporarily) ghosted me! I drove her crazy and when she tried to ghost me I was relentless in trying to find out why. She tried to tell me but for some reason it wouldn't get through to me til she just completely removed me from her life. After about 3 months of isolation from [the virus] it clicked and I felt terrible. Dropped her a huge apology and got help. She was so patient and understanding with me and I'm forever grateful for that."
When It Takes Too Much Work
"I found that the friendship was draining all of my energy. Every conversation was negative, she had a victim mentality and a lot of issues that she created herself and refused to address. It became a chore to even talk to her. I know it sounds awful but it's the truth."
More Than Friends
"She weirded me out one too many times trying to be more than friends, and she drank a LOT."
"I moved out of town and didn't tell her. She went so far as to try intimidating my mother to get my address, but Mom knew who she was and why I didn't tell her so she didn't budge."
"This was about 1990. A couple years ago she messaged me on Facebook trying to break the ice with a question about a band I really liked when I knew her. I deleted it and blocked her and it's been quiet since then."
For many of these Redditors, avoiding confrontation was a better alternative to getting into a verbal – maybe even physical – altercation.
Ghosting is typical in the world of dating where a person sends a message and receives nothing but the silent treatment, but it also seems to be a common occurrence among platonic friendships.
If the goal is to avoid hurting someone's feelings, is ignoring the individual and not dignifying their concerns with some sort of acknowledgement an appropriate response?
Hello? Why are you not responding?
Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay |
Ok, admit it. Who amongst us hasn't had a few too many during a night out? Then, the morning after said night out... found ourselves in an "uncomfortable" position because of the company we open our lids to. Just like when you gotta go... you gotta go; so everyone once in awhile, when it's time to sleep, it's time to sleep. I have fallen off in the strangest places and woken amongst strangers in sexual and non-sexual ways. It's a miracle I'm alive. But when I'm tired, I'm out.
Redditor u/zyht56 was dying to hear about the times we've woken up to find a surprise lying beside with us by asking... People that have woken up in bed with a stranger, what's your story?"I should've thanked Paul Bunyon"
One of my most vivid wake up memories was after a long day of work, the gym, auditions and then an impromptu night out with friends. I left the bar at 330 am in Midtown Manhattan and got on the "A" train to Inwood (the top of the island). From what I remember I must've dozed off right after the train passed Central Park and went rolling into Harlem. When next I awoke the train was stationery at 207th street. As I was rising from my slumber I noticed I wasn't as uncomfortable as I had been in the past, when falling asleep on those hard plastic train seats.
When I finally opened my eyes, I was nestled with care on a strapping (and also intoxicated) gentlemen who could've been the Brawny guy. (Plaid, flannel shirt and all) I looked around, just us. I quietly untangled myself from him like a hidden lover running before the wife comes home. I stood, checked for all my belongings and left. I told the conductor to wake him and then headed home. I should've thanked Paul Bunyon. He was sweet... alas.
Lost
Music Video Atm Miami Nights GIF by atmGiphyI know a guy who went home with a stranger. Went pee in the middle of the night naked. Went back to bed. Woke up to screaming. He had gone back to the wrong room and was naked in her mother's bed.
It's Me
Not exactly the answer to the question, but my dad told me something scary after his stroke. Because he couldn't feel one side of his body, he would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and think a stranger had broken in and was laying next to him. He would have to calm down and remember that he'd had a major stroke and didn't immediately realize that the person he thought was laying next to him was he himself.
Years Later
Was in college, went out too hard on a Thursday night because I had no class the next day. Woke up in my own room to a girl standing there getting dressed. I was dumbfounded, she super casually put on her jacket, said "I have to get to class" and left before I could even get a word out.
I NEVER saw her again. Tried to ask friends who I came home with, everyone said I just disappeared. Her face is burned into my mind and now, 5 years later, I have no clue what happened or who I spent the night with.
No Good Deed
Jump Stepping GIF by Bayerischer RundfunkGiphyGot really drunk at a dorm party. Ended up carrying a passed out girl up to her room (3 flights of stairs, elevator was out). Plunked her in her bed, took her shoes off. Then passed out on her floor.
She woke me up by stepping on me and yelling at me. I was too hung over to argue and just left.
Love you Bro
One time at my cousin's house party I was absolutely out of social energy and went to a room to go to sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night with two of the most jacked dudes I've ever seen curled up together next to me and a unit of a bulldog sleeping in between me and the dudes.
One of the guys saw me wake up and he asked if it was cool to sleep there and I said that I didn't mind but he should let me have some of the blanket because it was freaking freezing. He said "no problem bro" and then tucked me in like some mother hen and then said "goodnight bro". Crap was the most strange/wholesome thing I've ever experienced.
"Careful"
See when a comfy bed is calling all you can do is fall prey to its clutches. Now we really need to be a bit more discerning about who is that bed with us. It's only the safe and ethical thing to do. And if we are the one's concerned about who a stranger is remember... 911!! For example...
Would you like fries with that?
Not woke up with one but came home from primary school around 11 years of age. To find a complete stranger in my bed. Being completely naive thinking he was a family friend. I made us both sandwiches to give to him, I returned to my room to find him gone. I now look back at this with complete horror. My family finds it amusing that it took me years to tell my family about it.
Kudos to Dad
Probably not what you imagined.
As a kid, I would sleep walk at night. In the morning, I would have no recollection of what happened.
I spent the night at a friends house when I was about 10, and the family had a fire going in the fireplace in their living room. My friend's mom decided to sleep on the couch to make sure the fire went out, and the dad went to sleep in the parents bedroom. Due to the door to their bedroom always being closed, I had never been inside...
...which was very, very disorienting the next morning when I awoke in said bedroom, as the dad was just waking up and getting out of his bed. He had assumed during the night I was his son, and didn't question anything when i slipped into bed with him.
Kudos to Dad for not making it anymore awkward than it already was.
And that's the story of how I awoke next to my friend's dad.
Mommy High
When I had my son, I couldn't sleep. I told my doctor I hadn't slept a full night in 13 months. Most nights I was getting only an hour or two and I couldn't sleep during the day. I'd try to nap, but I'd just stare at the ceiling.
My doctor prescribed me Ambien.
The first night I took it and went to bed. Sometime during the night, my husband brought the baby into our bed.
I woke up to find a baby covered in rainbows and tiny little gnomes.
Me: "Honey! Honey, wake up. There's a baby in our bed."
Husband: "I know. You're going to wake him up."
Me: "Do his parents know he's here?"
Husband: "His dad does. Go to sleep."
Be Safe
Was a female in my mid 20's and fell asleep in a 60+ man's hotel bed after a night of drinking in restaurant across from said hotel. What could have been a recipe for disaster turned into him saying 'if I ever had a daughter I hope she'd be just like you. I called ya a cab and here's your wallet. Be safe now.'
In the chair...
Season 2 Relax GIF by FriendsGiphyAway at college. Went to a bar, met a girl.
I woke up the next morning in an on campus apartment sharing a recliner with said girl.
Neither of us lived on campus or knew who lived in the apartment we ended up at.
"Checklist"
Well at least we've all been there, or a large enough amount of us as to not feel foolish. Things to remember...
1- Get a name...
2- Get details of when, where and how...
3- KNOW WHERE ALL THE EXITS ARE!!!
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We all harbor a secret fear that we are, in some way, undateable.
We've been spoon-fed Hollywood ideas of romance for ages, with the idea that our soulmate is out there just waiting for us to find them--but real life isn't a deposit of perfect matches, cut in half, searching for their long lost loves. Real life is a collection of faults, neuroses, insecurities, and contradictions just wanting to make their way in the world.
u/haruki_chan asked:
"What's hard about dating you?"
Here were some of those answers.
Just No Time At All
I've been single for a very long time. I have a ton of time consuming hobbies and my working hours are pretty flexible so they're all over the place.
Sometimes I feel like there isn't enough time in the week for me to do everything I want to do. I also hate going out.
I'm actually pretty intimidated by the idea of giving up so much of my time for a relationship, but I'm also a getting a little bit tired of being alone. It's a catch 22 if you pretend I'd be able to find a relationship if I tried.
Deep Like A Puddle
I'm not a very deep person, and most women I speak to have bachelors and masters and I failed community college. I have a great paying job since I learned a trade, but when it comes to having meaningful or deep conversations I have nothing to offer and they seem to pick up on that and become disinterested. I don't blame them, nor am I angry about it. I'm not one of those who blame other people for my problems, I work very hard to improve myself but it's hard.
Feelings Aren't Threatening
I have a lot of feelings. Sometimes little things make me cry, or laugh hysterically, or scream, and then I want to talk about them.
Or at least, that's what my ex's all said was hard.
No Kids 4 Me
I'm 22 years old and have a vasectomy. I don't want kids and that really scares off a lot of potential dates. I'm also bisexual, and some people are hesitant about that, but being childfree is the bigger issue.
Just Time Off
I'm content with a boring life. I just want to have weekends off and a family. Don't need any frills or exotic vacations. I'm way happier sitting on a porch overlooking a lake than spending thousands of dollars to go to tourist destinations.
Dude same. All these people all over dating apps be like : lOOKing fOR sOmEoNE tO AdVEnTUre wITH. Listen I'm cool to come home from work, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed every day. I'm not out here trying to backpack through Malaysia or go skydiving in the Maldives.
I studied abroad for six weeks, and have taken small trips to Mexico but aside from a honeymoon trip I have no interest in travelling. Not even in the US that much. I want to have a good, solid, middle class life with my family. I don't need to bells, whistles, glitter, and rave lighting. I honestly have seen and done enough to be satisfied with my experiences to not feel the need to chase other things.
Not everyone is like that and when I tell them they usually dip. I'm not changing that about myself to make someone happy. Yes, I'd make concessions and compromise here and there, but really not too much if I'm being honest. Which is hard because I'm 25. I'm not in my 30s or 40s so it's a weird stance on life to take compared to the rest of my generation.
Family First
Two things:
- I can bottle things up. I don't like to share burdens, thinking myself strong enough to carry all my own problems in addition to everyone else's.
- I've had girlfriends complain that I will drop everything the moment my family needs help (especially my sister who is a single mom with a 5y/o). I've dropped proms, rescheduled dates and canceled planned hangouts or asked them to hang out while I babysit. At first they find this an admirable quality, but when it comes apparent that it happens quite regularly I can understand how it becomes an annoyance.
It's Gotta Be Right
I'm affectionate, but emotionally unavailable. Also, serious relationships require serious work and sacrifice. Since that's a huge cost to me, I tend not to invest that level into relationships unless it's very, very special.
This Needs Work
I push people away because I'm afraid that they'll see my flaws or have already caught on to my flaws. So I'm afraid that they'll leave me when they see the real me as opposed to the initial impression of me that made them feel comfortable enough to be with me. I'd rather push people away before they have a chance to leave me and hurt me.
When I take a step back, I see how unhealthy this is, but in the moment I just freak out and run.
New Love Languages
I tend to get really annoyed and frustrated if I feel like she's upset about something that I feel is irrational, or if she's expecting me to know how she's feeling or what she's angry about without explicitly telling me. I also tend to come across as more emotionally distant because I don't automatically express my feelings and don't really enjoy much physical affection, but I am working on that
Looking For A Love Substitute
Self-esteem issues. Deep down i'm insecure that I get anxiety when my partner does not message me for a couple of hours, I get jealous easily, I have trust issues that I stalk my partner's social media and even opened it several times, checking on their messages. I have abandonment issues. I cover it up with confidence and pour them with affection which is why I appear overbearing, no respect for boundaries, and controlling.
I am very aware on how wrong this is which is why I'm doing my best to change.
Trying Love Languages
I have several things going against me I think:
Currently, it's the fact that I have home improvement projects planned for my house, and dating cuts into that time. Things take long enough as it is, I can't imagine how much longer it would be if I didn't have the weekend either.
Maybe I'm being too picky but I don't want to date someone who doesn't even have a savings account at this age (I'm mid-30s). I don't want to work until I'm dead, nor do I want to carry my partner in retirement because they'd rather enjoy life now.
I don't want kids. That includes being a step-mom.
I don't do warm and fuzzy. My parents didn't raise me with words of affirmation so the idea of even telling people I care about them makes me uncomfortable. Hearing it from past partners also made me uncomfortable.
Energy Down The Drain
I am an emotional drain. I haven't had a good sense of self in such a long time and I'm not sure what I want out of life. It is hard to build something with someone when you don't know what to build towards.
How Could I Trust Again?
I most likely have abandonment issues as I was cheated on in my first relationship and had very few friends or people who showed interest in me in my life during my early years, and really, still to this day. The two friends I did have moved literally to the other side of the country, also when I was young, and basically dropped off and rarely reached out to me after the fact, which made me feel very unimportant to them or anyone else.
I'm a very independent person too, so I tend to just do sh!t on my own without even thinking that it's okay to even think about asking for assistance.
I'm quite clingy and needy because of this and I tend to read into and overthink situations way further or differently then I should and I put their action in a negative light. I can very easily convince myself that my SO has found someone else to fulfill something in their life and that I'm not needed or wanted and it's usually very small things, which doesn't help at all. I am usually pretty terrified that they will cheat emotionally more than anything and form a deeper connection with someone who isn't me and I will be left alone again.
I'm also a VERY physical person. Not sexually, just affectionate. If I'm within arms reach, I will touch my SO in one way or another. Even just resting a toe on their ankle is enough. Just for my brain to know they're there and real. It's literally an unconscious thing too. I don't even realize it and then my SO laughs sometimes and is like "You just like to touch me huh?" And I'm like "Yeah, I guess I do."
No Sex Drive
I consider myself grey-asexual. I often could really not care a single bit that sex exists. Sometimes going to the point of being borderline sex repulsed. I can and do enjoy sex but not all the time. This also ties over to me not always being overly affectionate and cuddly. (I have two very needy wonderful clingy partners and this tends to f** with them a bit)
No More Smooches
I can't seem to find anyone I even want to kiss. I'll date someone and when they try to kiss me I cringe away or force myself to get it over with. It's like kissing a brother or something. My relationships can't progress cuz I can't even get past that point. I'm not sure if it's because something is wrong with me or if they're all the wrong people.
All by myself
I grew up moving around a lot, which made me a bit solitary and independent. I love having company and people around, and I'm not antisocial, but I never see it necessary to check up on people or to ask my friends or girlfriends to come over. I grew up only ever seeing friends or girls once a week in high school, so girls I date think I don't want to be with them as much as they want to be with me.