When I bartended I left every shift with at least one personal eye witness account that I could label... "WTF was that?!" People are nuts, and then you get alcohol involved and suddenly we're living in an episode of "Stranger Things" or "Days of our Lives." People truly tend to forget they are in public after a fews shots.
A Wet Fight
Big Brother Fight GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphyA guy who peed himself sitting on a a barstool and then wanted to fight me when I cut him off and wouldn't serve him a new drink.
The Phone Call
I worked on the bar in a restaurant but would sometimes act as the host if things got busy on the floor.
A couple came in once, I sat them down, gave them menus and all that. Not ten minutes in I pick up a call and it's a woman asking to speak to the guy. I politely let him know someone's on the phone and they say it's urgent. He has a quick chat, seems okay and hangs up the phone before going back to the table. 5 minutes later, she calls again, I go over again, apologise and say they seem really concerned.
At this point he's clearly tense and making an effort not to raise his voice. After a few minutes he hangs up, hands the phone back to me and says "if she calls again, just tell her I'm not interested in speaking to her".
Lo and behold, she calls again, and I say exactly what he asked, to which she laughs in kind of a clichè "crazy ex" kind of way, and I kid you not, says "well tell him I hope he doesn't eat too much because when he finds the tires I slashed he'll be walking home, wishing he'd spoken to me" and hangs up.
I went over a minute later and asked what kind of car he had because there was someone double-parked outside and wanted to check it wasn't him. I figured it wasn't worth freaking him out if it was an idle threat. He described the car and said where he'd parked it. I took a cig break and went to check... All 4 tyres were fine, but that poor bugger had not a single window left unsmashed or severely cracked and there were a couple of rocks laying on the ground.
Needless to say, they did not stay to finish their meal.
Say What?
I once witnessed a woman openly fondling herself (dress hiked up, underwear pulled aside) in the middle of a not super busy bar. It was very obvious she wanted people to see. The weird part was, after a bar back yelled at her and told to stop or get out, a guy walked up to the bar back and said "don't talk to my wife like that" This really happened.
I go to Chili's
GiphyCar plowed into the bar I was working in, coming all the way in, and flipping a pool table on its side. Pinned three off duty Applebee's waitresses against the bar. No one was hurt and the woman who was driving tried to order a drink.
I'm Lost
Used to have a regular who sold her time on Backpage. She loved our queso so she always had the guys bring her there. What stuck out was that she always ordered Jagermeister and Diet Coke. In the same glass. I once had to kick her out because she got so wasted she tried performing oral sex under one of our tables. When I could clearly see she lies about what she's doing and says she is looking for something.
See? What did I tell you? You can't make this crap up. Yet half of it sounds like nonsense. Everyone seems to think the bar is like their bedroom or therapists's office. The mentality of like... let me blow off some steam and burn the place down is shocking. Several more barkeeps felt the need to share.
Happy New Year!!
Lots of funny things at new year when everyone is in fancy dress, sad older guys who have drank so much they haven't noticed their wig has slipped. The weirdest is definitely having a mariachi band burst in through the door of the pub, play two songs and leave! Keep in mind this is the UK, it was a dark rainy mid week night. I don't know where they came from or where they went after but while they played they had the attention of everyone in the pub.
Meow Sir...
Movement Thumbs Up GIF by GoNoodleGiphyI once served Catman a Bloody Mary. Dude had body modifications that were hard not to stare at. He was very friendly. He ordered a blue rare steak and returned it for being over cooked. I told him we can't legally feed you anything more raw then a blue rare steak. He hissed and ordered another drink.
Chew Slowly
A heavy set middle eastern man was drinking heavy and got very drunk at my bar. When he went to the restroom his prime rib dinner had arrived. I think he did some drugs in the stall cause when he came back way drunker. He then cut a long big strip of prime rib, about the size of a thick hot dog, then while glaring at me, threw his head back and proceeded to swallow it whole like a baby bird would a worm from its mother.
It of course got stuck in his throat choking him and he passed out and fell on the floor. I/we cleaned out his air passage and gave him CPR. 10 minutes passed and he was still unconscious when the paramedics arrived. He left with a heart beat but died later that night in the hospital.
How WONKY...
nose GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphyHonestly? A fight between someone dressed as SpongeBob and some one as an Umpa Loompa. (Sp) no one was seriously hurt.
The craziest thing I can recall during my tenure behind the wood involved, a homemade carafe of Red Sangria, a pork chop, a seeing eye dog and two, eighty year old men. I'm sworn to secrecy but the local Palm Beach paper may have it archived. If you can't hold your liquor.... STAY HOME!!!
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Shame on you young man....
Embarrassed Hide GIF by florGiphyI was a server for 5 years and the most heartbreaking experience I had was an older woman, probably in her 60's was waiting for her grandson to come meet her for lunch. When I greeted her at the table she was very excited as I assumed she didn't see him much.
As time went by no one showed up so she decided to order. Towards the end of her meal no had shown up so it being a slow shift, me and my gf (we worked together at the same restaurant which is where we met), decided to just talk with her for a little bit and give her some company. We both felt so sad for this sweet old lady but we could tell that simple act of kindness made her day. Shame on that grandson.
Happy Birthday Sir.
I was actually a hostess at the time and I was asked to take the table for a server. An old man came in asking for a table of 6 and he asked for 6 waters. I set up his table and I put his order in. He said it was his birthday. He was there for about an hour or 2 and nobody showed up. It was really sad. He ended up tipping me like $30 and he said "Sorry for the trouble." I still think about that guy. I hope he's doing okay. :(
You dodged a bullet....
Once at my shift I saw a really shy guy, you could see that he is on a budget, but omg, he was so trying so hard and looked so exited about upcoming date! He brought one rose, and asked what he can purchase on 10 euros to make this evening beautiful. My heart melted so much that I offered him for free two glasses of wine and a dessert (I was a manager).
We put on a table some candles, and so he was sitting there and with the big smile waiting for his date to come. But she never came. He waited like 2 hours, nervously checking on his phone. When he left, he gave this rose to me and thanked for kindness towards him. He was so broke. So was my heart about this situation. :(
After Goodbye....
disney love GIFGiphyPlace I used to work at had a man come in every night for a week, wait for a few hours, order food and drinks, then leave with no one showing up.
Later learned he was just trying to cope with his wife's death, believing that she'd arrive to greet him at the restaurant were they had their first date.
The Barista....
Not the waitstaff, but the "Wait-er."
I had set an OKCupid date at this nice coffee shop in Brooklyn. I get there, and I know the barista from college. I'm the only person in the shop at the time, so we talk a little, awkwardly. Gradually other customers arrive, so she attends to them and I attend to my phone.
It gets to the point where my date is 20 minutes late and hasn't been responding to my messages asking about an ETA. I'm sweating. Profusely. I'm so embarrassed that I'm probably being stood up in front of someone who I had several classes with years prior and knows most of my friends. I feel so humiliated.
Then my date walks in.
Stands there for a moment.
AND WALKS RIGHT BACK OUT THE DOOR
Barista: "Was that her?"
Me: "Yup."
Barista: "What an a-hole."
That comment made things slightly better.
An Extra Plate....
A six-year-old boy came every day with his older brother at lunchtime and for almost a month they ordered three plates of food and always left one. When I attended to them, the boy told his older brother to ask his mother for lunch because she was already arriving, but their mother never came.
The boy's older brother asked me to give the food to someone who needed it when they left and he told me that his mother had died and that he did not know how to explain to his little brother that his mother was not coming back, but that this cafeteria It was the last place where she had taken her little brother to eat and that is why the boy believed that she would return for the dinner.
4 in a row....
A woman came in 4 nights in a row just in case she got the day wrong. She'd sit at the bar wearing the same flowery dress every night and would hopefully look at the door every single time it opened. Left in tears the first two nights when we closed, the third and fourth nights she just stared vacantly at the door until we had to make sure she left.
I never saw her again, I don't think any other staff did either but we all felt really bad for her. She got a couple free drinks and apps, we didn't even care if it was a scam cause she seemed so broken about it.
Why so Public?
bugs bunny cooking GIF by Looney TunesGiphyWas working an evening shift and a relatively younger guy came in and waited for his date. She showed up and not even 10 minutes later he got up and left and she sat there crying.
Patrons that are there to breakup are also hard to witness.
No doggy bag?
Not a waiter, but was out with my girlfriend and we were seated next to a date.
Guy was clearly trying to engage with the girl, but the girl kept looking at her phone disinterested. Guy initiated all the conversations, only to be met with 1 word answers.
He ordered a lot of food (it's a dessert place, so a lot of small meals) and then the girl suddenly took her bag and left? He banged the table after about paying, and just left with the food untouched.
Everyone in the vicinity, including the waiters were visibly shocked. I felt so bad for the guy.
Stalled....
Simon Pegg Wink GIF by Working TitleGiphyNot a waiter, but this happened to me.
I went speed dating, turned up to the venue to find it very quiet. Barely anyone was there.
The event was on the second floor, so I got a pint for the time being and sat down and waited for people to turn up.
I tried to go up to the second floor only to find that it had been closed off. Noticing my confusion the bar man asked if I was there for speed dating, I said yes, he told me it was cancelled. I didn't get an email about this, nothing.
So I sat there, dressed up and alone. I finished my pint and went home.
Dropping $1500 for Nothing....
Ugh this one was tough; I worked at a pretty fancy steakhouse in town, and we had a private dining room that could set up to 32 at a single, long table. To book the room we charged a $1500 deposit, which we then used to cover part of the bill (it was a deposit, not a room charge). Anyways, this girl books it for 26 people, puts the deposit on her card. She shows up with her sister, and then after about 20 minutes, 2 of their 'friends' show up and sit at the opposite end of this giant table from the birthday girl and her sister.
Nobody else came. They waited an hour, the birthday girl was sobbing, the other two just awkwardly left. It was awful. I'm grateful to my manager, who in a moment of compassion refunded the whole deposit back onto the poor girls card. I felt terrible for her.
sad adventure time GIFHer mom decorated the table and chairs and the whole corner for the party, everyone in the restaurant could see there was going to be a party there on a busy Friday night. 4 people showed of the possible 20, that includes the future bride and mom. I didn't even care about the money I was missing out on (four tables of my section gone on a busy weekend shift) I just felt so bad for her.
Why Bother Lady?
Not a waiter, but worked at a coffee shop for several years and made friends with tons of regulars. One of the regulars, we'll call him J, was working on his PHD in Art History or something to that effect at the university near us. He came in one day, got his usual tea and asked if I could charge him for a latte, but make it later, no big deal.
I was bussing tables and asked who the latte was for and very excitedly expressed that he was meeting a lady and it was "kind of a date". He was an awkward kind of guy, but very interesting and incredibly friendly. One hour passes, no show, two, no show, finally three, he's looking despondent and starts collecting his things and leaves.
She showed up 20 minutes later asking about J. Apparently they got their times completely mixed up. He comes in the next day and I mention that she came in looking for him and he looked so excited. I found out a week or so later from him that she basically blew him off a second time. He was so crestfallen, it broke my heart.
Still With Me...
Ahhh, I haven't bartended in a million years, but the saddest one was a guy in his 30s. He had a 2 top, asked for a bottle of top shelf champagne, candles lit, all that. Told me they were celebrating. No one showed. Guy looked morose, but had an appetizer, poured a glass of champagne for the person who wasn't there, then asked for the bill.
I felt bad he obviously got stood up, so I brought him a desert in the house. He smiled, and told me it was his anniversary. My face must've showed my sadness for him, so he clarified- his wife died of cancer a few month ago. It may have been the saddest thing I've seen.
Bye Ma....
Not exactly a waiter, but I was working at a bar a few years back and there often was this girl (in her early twenties maybe) who sometimes used to meet her mother at the bar (maybe about every 2 or 3 months).
The thing is, more often than not the mother either came extremely late (1 or 2 hours at least) to didn't came at all. When she came, there often was a huge tension between the two. It was obvious that they had some unresolved issues.
Watching the girl wait for hours even if it was clear that the mother wouldn't come on that day always broke my heart. As a barkeeper and since she was a regular, I tried my best to engage a conversation with her to distract her a little, but there's only so much you can do.
Fun fact: Years after I stopped working at that bar, I met her at a random party and we had a great evening/night together. She told me that she 'broke up' with her mother tho.
So it's a No?
Sorry Dog GIF by swerkGiphyGuy was dressed really nice. Says his date should be there soon and goes ahead and is seated.
He orders a drink and 30 minutes pass by... then and hour, and another drink later. He started fidgeting with something and I noticed it was a ring. After an hour and a half he asked for his check and muttered something about "There goes two years wasted and down the drain." He tipped 2x his bill.
Poor guy.
into crack town....
This gentleman in his mid forties came to my restaurant frequently and would not order his drink until "his wife got there." He would wait for a few minutes, then pull out a framed picture of a woman, set it on the table, and proceed to order his food and drink. He would talk to the framed picture and have dinner with "her" about once a week.
I noticed him doing this often and told my coworker I thought it was cute he was having dinner with his late wife and she replied,"Oh, no that's not his wife. He found that picture at good will and has been a relationship with it ever since. He told me that a long time ago." What did I expect from working right off the freeway in crack town. Very true story, no lie.
14 is an unlucky #...
We had a 21st birthday party booked for 20, the family showed up early with a few friends. They had a few drinks and let the staff know some of the party were running late. Half an hour in, when the late people were supposed to arrive, two friends left.
An hour went by and the birthday group ordered.
Got their starters, told the service staff some more people were coming. About two hours in the mother said just bring the mains out.
It was so sad, I felt so bad for them. Being stood up by fourteen people, and the two friend who did show up didn't even eat.
"Honey, it is going to be okay."
A few years ago, I took myself to a movie and dinner. It was the weekend before Valentine's day. At the time I had a warehouse gig and that day my step counter was at 7.9 km. Being exhausted, I just sort of plopped down. Ordered quietly, sipped a beer, and derped around on my phone.
I must have looked like I was on the verge of tears (in reality I'd been rear ended at a red light the week before and just hurt all over.) Server comped my cheesecake, smiled politely, and quietly remarked "Honey, it is going to be okay." Until that point I wasn't sad to be alone- but after that I was fighting tears all the way home.
She Gone
Angel's GlowGiphyI had a regular who would always come in with his wife. One day he sat in my section and I noticed his wife wasn't with him. I asked "where's your wife today" he replied "she's in heaven waiting for me". Immediately I died inside 😭😭😭😭🥺
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But at least humans are smart enough to accept their dumbness. They invent items and services to keep everyone safe and secure, despite people's seeming insistence on screwing everything up.
Or, humans are so dumb that something continues to be around despite obvious solutions that we insist on not pursuing.
Whatever underlies it, the outcome is the same: our world is full of things that do not need to be here
Heel-Hook asked, "What exists only because humans are dumb?"
Out of the Kitchen
gordon ramsey GIFGiphyWorst Cooks in America.
I literally found out about this today.
Some guy decided to try to add more flavor into his steak (I think) by adding butter. This is a good idea, but it would have been a better idea if he took the butter out of the wrapping before putting it into the pan.
DUH!
Disclaimer before UFC fight: this may include violence.
Well yeah it better freaking contain violence, that's what I'm here for.
"no swimming"
No swimming sticker on places that are physically not possible to swim at.
Yeah they're for the people who are too dumb to realize it would be suicidal to try and swim somewhere, so really they're necessary because I saw a guy hop in to a river from a bridge over a wier and then go over it. He held onto the "no swimming" sign to stand on the railing to jump over. He was fine, but only because the water level up top was lower than usual.
Not at Home....
'Don't try this at home' warnings.
Let's be fair, the show Mythbusters needed this. Some of their things came from stupid people or were ideas that could possibly be recreated at home.
Dummy GIF by memecandyEnd of Life
A lot of senseless deaths. Everyone who ever died of a preventable cause of death.
Less then 30....
Congressmen with 30+ years in office.
I guess that depends on perspective. The least corrupt and most honest person in Congress has been there that long.
Deep Cuts
Safety scissors.
Not even safe either. I have a scar from a pair. Go through skin just as well.
K Ok GIF by OriginalsBloodshed.
War. HOO. What is it good for?
Corporate entities not in the war-zone.
It's Whack.
Tik Tok.
Just saying this before someone else will say it.
the cycle
excited news GIFGiphyMedia, modern day as we know it. 24 hour news cycles, censorship, click bait, all of it.
Cool Off....
The "caution: hot beverage" labels.
The dumb ones in this case are companies like McDonald's that permanently disfigured a customer with super hot coffee, then did everything they could to make people think she was at fault.
All of the Above
Climate change, sea level rise, depletion of fisheries, whaling, War on Drugs, Global War on Terror, war, genocide, racism, wars of religion...
daylight savings GIF by ScreenJunkiesFor Hope
Religions. Sorry if this makes anyone mad, but aren't religions made to explain things we can't understand?
It can do more than that. It brings many hope and purpose, and then there's always the imbeciles who justify hate with it.
It wasn't, but we like to view the politics of all history through the lens of today's culture. sure, maybe a peasant's life revolved totally around their faith-but that doesn't mean the primary purpose of the priests was to take his crops. before travel was easy and most people could read and write, the Church was the power and the social structure of most of Europe. but to say that it's history was wholly one of a desire for control was disingenuous.
The Best Dope
sad leonardo dicaprio GIFGiphyThe Darwin awards.
That is very true considering they're literally awards for the world's biggest idiots.
2020!!!
Donald Trump's presidency.
I'm not surprised anymore. 46% voted for that guy in the first place despite all the crap he'd done before. I swear if he wins again I give up on America.
This isn't lettuce?
fruit of the loom GIF by NBAGiphyI found warning labels on fruit salad saying "Warning contains fruits."
Just Wait.
The loading progress bar was made because the people brought for testing thought something was wrong.
Yeah, providing feedback that the program is running and hasn't crashed is an important part of UI design.
100% sugar
Ingredients labels on flour, sugar, raisins, etc.
It's because of standards more than for stupid people. There aren't many people wondering which ingredients sugar contains (spoiler: it contains 100% sugar), but all products intended for human consumption are required to have an ingredient lists.
Putting the ingredients on items which are just a single ingredient may be a bit ridiculous, but it doesn't harm anyone and it's probably better than coming up with possibly confusing exceptions for that regulation.
It's for Health.
Marijuana criminalization.
That had more to do with taxes and lobbyists from the cotton industry.
In the U.S. at least.
Aide says Nixon's war on drugs targeted blacks, hippies
"You understand what I'm saying? We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin. And then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities," zomboromcom
BACK UP FOOLS!!!
Fences and railings at the Grand Canyon.
This one made me chuckle. I visited the Grand Canyon Visitor's Center last year in July, peak summer, peak tourism. Lots of tourists.
Thing is, the visitors center is right up at the side of a freaking cliff. A several hundred foot high cliff. Sheer rock, no incline. And yet, on that day, I could not fight my polite urge to let people be themselves. People were literally getting on top of the rock railing and doing poses for Instagram, dancing, jumping, doing handstands. People are freaking stupid.
Meow Time
cucumbers GIFGiphyCats videos. I agree that cats are funny, but when it's the most popular thing on the internet, it makes me think that people aren't interested in self-development.
How?
Wikihow.
Yeah the majority of wikiHow articles are useful, but every now and then there's one that's hilariously dumb.
Comedy gold a while ago, just from a wikihow.
pop furniture GIF
Dear Prep H....
Certain Warning labels....
"Dear Preparation H, I love your product and it has made me feel so much better; but boy does it taste bad!"
We is Dumb
Math: we're literally incapable of the kind of information processing and abstraction needed to deal with things directly. So, we came up with systems of symbols and rules for manipulating them that allow us to sidestep our cognitive limitations. Also, the lottery (unless it's a charity lottery or something).
How Free?
Bags of nuts, vegetables, meat, etc. that say "gluten free."
Those labels can be pretty helpful for people with severe allergies. The "gluten free" labels typically indicate that the product hasn't come in contact with any gluten products at any point during processing, such as on shared machinery. It doesn't matter for most of us, but guarantees can be important for people who can't tolerate even trace amounts of gluten.
Everything & Everyone....
Climate Change
Jersey Shore
Kanye West's presidential campaign
The modern day Flat Earth movement (even the ancient Greeks knew it was round bro)
You (the person reading this not OP), I've met your mom.
Issues with Shade
Racism, not just for the whole BLM, it is known that genetic diversity is the key for species survival, and we are looking waaaay too much at what shade of black, Brown or white a person has.
Also, "race" is one of those things that people won't give importance until some one mentions it.
In the books....
diva read GIFGiphyFrom the biblical perspective, clothing.
Protip: if a snake starts to talk to you, you probably shouldn't eat the food it suggests you eat.
to inflame
The word flammable.
The original word was inflammable, from the word inflame. But people thought it meant non-flammable. So the word flammable was created.
It's a good word because it keeps innocent children from being burnt because of their dumb parents.
System Shock
electrocuted home alone 2 lost in new york GIFGiphyThe charge of an electron. Benjamin Franklin had a 50/50 chance and he guessed wrong. This has made teaching electronics harder to do for the rest of eternity.
Scientific Understanding is Only Half the Battle
"Measles. In the 2000's, measles was nearly eradicated. However, because of antivaxxers communities, it went on a rise again. In the same vein, wear a goddamn mask people."
"I should also mention measles was always very prevalent in other nations, so I'm just referring to the US in this comment."
Because Yes, Someone Has Tried That
"warning labels" -- Ocean_Beast
"This was exactly what I came to comment. My most favorite warning label was on a baby stroller. 'Remove child before folding!'" -- kaismama
"I found this on a hair dryer: 'Do not use while sleeping'" -- MEScout
"My fav warning label was my coffee maker saying 'do not hold above peoples head'" -- twolimbooctopus
Drop Cloth
GiphyFood Bibs, Not all of us can be like Hannibal Burress and have the confidence to not drop or spill our food on the way to our mouths.
Debatable
"Lawyers. Source: am lawyer." -- fendaar
"Even without dumb people I think we'd still need some lawyers to handle things like contract law or patent law." -- adeon
"Oh really? Name every law" -- Darkmaster666666
1 Foot Doughnut Claims
"NOT REAL SIZE Logos on posters."
"I used to work in a grocery store that had a bakery, and we had a poster that was hanging from the ceiling with the bakery's logo and a few pastries beside it."
"We had to reprint the poster with a message under it that said, 'Not real life size' because some Karen got mad then when she got her donut and it wasn't 1 ft. in diameter."
"She complained for 'False advertising' and corporate had to send a new poster."
-- jman857
Unnatural Phenomena
"Pugs" -- Lil-Sleepy-A1
"Have you ever seen the skeleton of one of those monstrosities?" -- zookeeper4980
"If you keep a pug in good shape, it will breathe easier" -- maxipad2008
In Case You Had Other Interpretations
"The label on milk bottles that says it contains dairy. If I'm buying milk I'd kinda hope it contains dairy?" -- thebibarista
"Allergy info: This peanut butter contains peanut products. Gee thanks" -- Heel-Hook
"Disclaimer before UFC fight: this may include violence. Well yeah it better f***in contain violence, that's what I'm here for" -- ZoFarZoGood
A Momentous Accident
"Penicillin, because someone didn't clean the Petri dish" -- drempire
"Worked out though" -- Heel-Hook
"Or a cantaloupe" -- naivemetaphysics
It Doesn’t Have to Be This Way
"The [virus] death toll in the US" -- Snow_Da_92
"How is the US media reporting the country's response for [virus]" -- Heel-Hook
"Pretty much like you'd expect. The left says everyone's stupid for not wearing masks, the right says everyone's stupid for wearing masks...."
"It's a sh** show....." -- Snow_Da_92
Who Was The Last to Leave?
"Africanized honey bees, a.k.a. killer bees."
"Some scientist accidentally let out bees and now they have the intent to kill anything in site. Worse than wasps my opinion."
-- Cheese_Boi20
Buying Power
"In the call center I work at part of our greeting is that we have to thank customers for the number of years they've been with the company because we legit had people complain about us not doing that."
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