It's Gone!
excited freak out GIFGiphyYelling for his brother then whispering loudly to him "Check to see if I still have my penis... I think they took my penis!" then proceeded to flash the whole room.
Edit: for those asking the procedure was to remove a benign tumor in his cheek (face cheek not butt cheek).
Hey Sexy
Was recovering a patient after surgery who got ketamine which has a known side effect of making you super emotional. When she woke up she started cat calling me telling me how attractive I was. Then she got worked up because she was thirsty so I told her I could get her ice chips. As I am getting her ice chips she starts to go "I hate to see you leave but I love to see you go." As I disappear to get her some ice chips she starts crying real tears that she scared me off and how sorry she was.
"woke up"
I apparently can't handle my anesthesia.
The first time I "woke up" I asked the nurse if I was going to be able to "fight" by Monday. My wife properly translated that to "can he teach his wrestling class."
Before we went home, she wanted to drop off my prescriptions at CVS.
She left me locked in the running car. After she dropped off the prescription, she turned around to find me in the CVS standing in the frozen dairy section holding german chocolate ice cream. I told her I needed it "because my people made it".
Car was still running with the passenger door left open.
Its You!
its you beyonce GIFGiphy18-year-old girl "recognized" the (male) anesthesiologist from tinder last week and accused him multiple times of not showing up to their agreed date - while randomly falling half-asleep in between. As we put her back in bed she mumbled that she is not even mad, just generally disappointed in men and that she still thinks he's pretty.
Dry your tears....
When I "woke up" I was bawling my eyes out. When I actually came to, I asked why I was crying and everyone laughed at me and told me they had been asking me the same thing for almost an hour, which made me cry even more. We had to return a DVD and my mom stupidly asked me to remember before I went under so I wrote it on my arm.
On the car ride home, I reminded her every 30 seconds or so to take Sahara back and aren't you proud of me for remembering?! I also really wanted Jimmy John's and started crying again when my mom said there was no way I could eat it but that didn't make sense because I didn't need my wisdom teeth to eat. Good times.
Killer
In the early days of my surgical training, there was a day that I was assigned to a colonoscopy list. Standard practice is to pre-medicate patients in the anesthesia bay if required, particularly if they are a bit anxious about the procedure. I was clerking one of the patients in the anesthesia bay going through consent and the usual preop routine when I noticed that she was giving me these weird side-long glances and that her eyes would dart away everytime I tried to make eye contact with her. She was also extremely fidgety and was stammering a lot in her responses to my questions. I kind of shrugged it off as preoperative nervousness and let the anesthetist do his business.
Fast forward 10 minutes and I'm standing behind her; she, curled up into the fetal position with her butt hanging out and I, colonoscope in hand. As the propofol starts rushing through her veins, she turns right around, grips my forearm and stares up at me with a dreamy look on her face and goes: "You know what, Doc? I bet you kill it with the ladies."
A moment later she was asleep and I was checking her colon for polyps.
Fancy Dress
I just had a bowel resection and was hopped up on morphine. My divorced parents hadn't sat in a room that long together in forever. My sister uncomfortably quiet between them tells me my junk is hanging out of my hospital gown and I say,'if my balls are hanging out. That makes this a ball gown.' Really helped with the tension.
Ya Hear Private?
Independence Day Reaction GIF by Broad CityGiphyAnesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes suddenly jumped upright and sit on the bed and he said something : Sir, yes sir! He was under military service at that time.
Sorry Bud
Not a doctor, but I was told by my dentist that when he was prepping me to remove my wisdom teeth, I asked him why he became a dentist. I vaguely remember him telling me a story about how when he was a preteen he was at a local pool, running around when he slipped and smashed his chin on concrete and shattered some of his teeth (ouch). He was amazed at how well they reconstructed his teeth that he decided to go into dentistry.
Apparently, I then looked this man in the eyes and said, "Well that's a stupid freakin' reason to become a dentist."
Sorry, Dr. J š¬.
fart wtf GIFShe farted so long and loud the entire 20 bed unit heard her. Then she said "I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte, I got a headache." As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter but that didn't stop patients from turning into hyenas.
Let me do it....
I'm a doctor and was getting a knee reconstruction, and asked one of my best friend's dad to do my anesthesia. He was head of department at the hospital I worked at at the time.
Apparently after he gave me the Midazolam (to chill time out and basically I forget everything from then on), he inserted a local anesthetic block into my leg.
The next day he told me what happened.
Apparently, I then told him it's not working and he should have done it higher up and over tried to grab the needle from him to show him, after I asked if he knew what he was doing. I also complained the bed was cold.
We still have a good laugh about it.
DAVID!
david rose what GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphyWoman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, "David! That alarm clock has a nose and it's running! Wipe it!"
"What time is it."
The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of burger king breakfast afterwards. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting and I rarely got fast food. They ended up running behind that day so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10).
The first words out of my mouth were "What time is it." When my mom informed me it was already about 9:30 I tried to get out of bed and nearly ripped out my IV in the process. When she tried to tell me that we would be late and I could get it another day I promptly burst into tears.
Edit: I did get my burger king a different day. Thank you all for your concern.
"What are you doing?!"
One of the times I had an endoscopy when I was around 10 years old I woke up pretty groggy and naturally with a dry and sore throat. I asked the nurse for water but she said I couldn't have any yet. She left the room so I started climbing over the raised sides of the bed to get some.
She walks back in with me almost at the point of no return (also the point immediately preceding the point of face planting the floor as I was in no state to be balancing or climbing), freaks out screaming "What are you doing?!" So I say something song the lines of 'getting some water' and she relents and goes and gets me some.
A Vegetable State
When I was a toddler, my mom fell off our roof and broke her back. Apparently she was terrified she was going to become a vegetable, because after her back surgery she asked the nurse, "Am I a broccoli, or a cauliflower?"
Ready Freddie
freddie mercury GIFGiphy65 year old woman who had a wrist surgery. She was anxious so they gave her a good whack of propofol (the milk of amnesia).
Mid surgery she was having the time of her life. In a thick northern Irish accent she was like "Did you just fill me up to me head with vodka?" "gimme a wee bit more boy, I'm loving this stuff."
Then she said the anesthetist looked like Freddie Mercury and started singing "don't stop me now". The anesthetist looked nothing like Freddie.
FLY!!!!
Not a medical professional, but my mom was coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, "Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!"
The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes.
Well if it was good for Hitler....
I'm a consultant anesthetist (UK) and there are LOADS. Often declarations of love from the patient as the drugs are kicking in.
My all time favorite is a 40 something guy a few years ago - he needed a testicle removing for cancer. He'd never had an anesthetic before and was super nervous, to the point of barely saying anything to anyone.
As the drugs started to kick in, we realized someone was quietly singing. It was the patient.
"Hitler... has only got one testicle..."
elmo GIFWhen we got to the hospital he went into the pediatric section of the ED and there were stickers on the wall of sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn't one) and how it was trying to be friends with Elmo but Elmo didn't want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands.
Hopped
I dislocated my shoulder in a way that my arm ended up stuck up over my head. Apparently, while all hopped up on demarol, I was laughing hysterically while the doctor was standing on the table/gurney wrestling with my arm to get it back into the socket. I don't remember a thing.
Ummmm.... Ok.
Parks And Recreation Nbc GIF by HULUGiphyThis woman undergoing C-section under spinal anesthesia + ketamine said 'Show my baby first to my brother-in-law, he deserves to see her first'. I sometimes wonder what happened to her marriage after that.
Speaking in Tongues....
After having my tonsils out at 24, something got crossed in my brain and I started answering the nurses in Welsh. Since I was definitely English (with an obvious Midlands accent) and we weren't even near the Welsh border at the time there was a reasonable amount of confusion until it cleared up about 15 minutes later and I began speaking my native tongue again.
I also sleep talk in Welsh occasionally.
Spirit DelusionsĀ
Patient came into the ED as a trauma, got ketamine sedation for an emergency procedure: "I'm deaaaaaaaad" "No, you're ok, we're taking care of you" "I'm a ghoooooost. Whooooooo!" wavy arm motions Ok.
I was given Ketamine in the ED and was like comatose. I couldn't move and was having trippy hallucinations.
I felt like I was floating above myself and was thinking "oh I'm dead. Is this dead? This isn't so bad". I slowly came to and then like flipping a switch I full came back and immediately started sobbing uncontrollably about how as a vet tech I give ketamine to animals and how scary it must be since they don't understand they've been drugged.
Potato Fingers
starving french fries GIF by The BacheloretteGiphyAnesthesiologist told me that as I was going down that I was describing my fingers feeling like French fries, but French fries after you take them home and put them in microwave so they're soggy and not as good.
For Ron
The most memorable funny one was a guy who sat bolt upright, mime rolling a cigarette and tuck it behind his ear "saving it for 'ron" when I asked what he was doing.
Anesthesia can be a wild trip.
The kids will always scream when they wake up.
Not this Menu
A woman was absolutely distraught that she was going to be made to eat asparagus and was repeatedly telling us that she did not like asparagus, especially with eggs, and was politely rejecting the asparagus she thought we were constantly offering her.
To you and you and you....
pending schitts creek GIF by CBCGiphyNot anesthesia but delirium. Introduced the oncoming nurse to the patient. The patient gestured grandly around the room and said "(nurse's name), meet all my friends!!"
....to an empty room.
Delirium is so messed up.
I know somebody that was put into Residential Aged Care because of their advanced dementia, months into their stay it turns out they just had a UTI and once it was treated they regained all functions again.
When in Nam
My brother had top surgery and woke up from being put under. My step mom (whom I call "Mom") recorded him talking about how Abe Lincoln was a great guy. She asked him how he knew and he replied with: "I knew him back in 'Nam". And that's the story of how my brother fought side-by-side with Abe Lincoln back in Vietnam.
La Familia
My dad (Italian) was waking up from anesthesia and kept looking at his asian nurse and saying he was so glad his daughter was with him. And that he loved his daughter. The nurses were confused, so they went out into the waiting to check for his daughter. I was the only one in the waiting area, and when they saw me and started hysterically laughing. I am Korean by birth, but what adopted by my lovely Italian family. :)
All the Gold
I was the patient, but right before Christmas a couple of years ago I had my gallbladder removed. In the recovery room as I was waking up I became obsessed with singing the 12 Days of Christmas song. I kept asking the nurses what order the verses were in. As they were wheeling me out of the room I heard a nurse belt out "Five golden rings!" Which was followed by everyone's laughter.
Turn it Up!
dog salsa GIFGiphy"I'm preparing to salsa dance."
"Stand back everybody. There's nothing you can do to stop me."
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When one is drunk, a couple things change. Besides all the physical impairment, some important mental properties give way to an entire new landscape of new and urgent priorities.
Drunk people are unbelievably determined. They will stop at nothing to get what they want. And they want the weirdest, most illogical things.
These drunk stories often involve a journey, a long and convoluted adventure to some end goal that, once achieved, makes no sense and leaves the person only confused and more screwed than they were before.
Doodle_Dragon asked, "What is the stupidest thing you have ever done while drunk?"
So Close
"I was making mini ravioli. I went to the sink to drain out the pasta water but I forgot to put the strainer in the sink, so all of my ravioli just went down the drain like a slip n slide." -- ssseawa
"The first time I made mac and cheese for myself I added the all the ingredients before I drained the water. The second time I made mac and cheese for myself I did the exact same damn thing." -- BandOfDonkeys
Double Vision Sight Seeing
"Caught a train to Budapest from Prague but left my stuff in Prague because i forgot to check out of my hostel..."
"I messaged the hostel on Facebook and asked them to hang on to my stuff. I caught the train back the next day and walked in a bit sheepishly. I didn't own anything worth stealing as id already been robbed in Paris so i was fine apart from a bruised ego."
We'll Never Know if it Worked
"I ordered bubble wrap off Amazon just to see if they would wrap it in more bubble wrap, then promptly forgot that I had done so. Imagine my confusion 5 business days later." -- falconfetus8
"My environmentally conscious friend got drunk and ordered 400 bamboo toothbrushes off Amazon, good times." -- unclear_warfare
"I did the same thing and they sent me a blender." -- GrilledCheesePizza
Disco DumbnessĀ
"As a bet, I sat bare a** on a searchlight in front of a discotheque. You know the ones that shoot beams of light into the clouds?"
"Yeah. Turns out they get pretty hot. Got 3rd degree burns on my a**. Couldn't sit down for 2 weeks. Had to wear a diaper bandage. Lucky it didn't get my balls."
All That Beer and Nobody to Drink it. Time for Another Party.
"Once during an alcohol blackout I left a party to take a 5 hour roundtrip by train from Denmark to the German border to buy more beer since I was about to run out of beer and beer was cheaper in Germany."
"I sobered up on the way home with 3 cases of beer under my seat and a fine for riding the train without a ticket."
"The total cost of getting that beer was twice what it had cost to buy it at home, and of course the party was long over by the time I was home."
-- DeadPendulum
A Good Idea Until it wasn't an Idea Anymore
"I was drunk up on a mountain which was known to have a decent sized population of black bears. Black bears are generally not aggressive and, being drunk, I decided I would go outside to find one to pet."
"After a few minutes of stumbling around outside, I encountered a black bear scavenging in a garbage can. I realized in that moment that I in fact did NOT want to pet a black bear."
-- Brekt_
Ultimate Counter Attack
"While I was on holidays with my mates I was bet ā¬25 that I couldn't balance on the taps at a bar. It didn't end well. I balanced for about 6 seconds then fell into the bar side knocked over a lot of bottles."
"The bartender had an interesting response, he said I could fight him, if I won, I didn't have to pay for all the sh*t I broke, if I lost, I had to pay for all the sh*t I broke and I would be beaten to sh*t."
"I won because I got hit with a solid gut punch and threw up into the bartender's mouth while he was trash talking me. Walked out with a ban from the bar but, didn't have to pay."
Lost Track of Time
"This particular night, I headed out to the patio for a smoke, and asked a girl for a light. She was by herself, and it was crowded, so I asked if I could join her. We started talking, and we actually hit it off pretty well."
"I finished my drink, and she was close to finishing hers, so I asked the server to bring us each a drink. She gave me another smoke to say thanks, and we continued talking. We talked about work, life, and had amazing chemistry."
"This is the point where my girlfriend came out to the patio to find out what had happened to me for the last hour - to find me in the middle of a date that was going very well until I introduced this new angry girl as my current girlfriend."
"It was at that point she dragged me back in - to the table we were sharing with her parents. Her dad never offered me hard liquor again."
Tourists
"Went to University of Wisconsin Madison to party on Halloween. It was a 2 hour drive and was drinking on the way. Got there at 5 pm and started chugging Goldschlager and Vodka. Last thing I remember it was 7pm so it was time to go to the house parties. Don't remember anything until 10am the next day when I woke up."
"Apparently I puked in 3 randoms peoples houses, and not in the bathroom. I didn't know any of them. I called and texted my exes that were in town as well, then got super pissed off when they wouldn't meet up with me. I got my best friend jumped by a group of guys. I broke someone's toilet and someone else's door."
"The whole night was stupid and was so embarrassed."
-- WunderXl
A True Competitor
"Joined a hot wing competition out of a dare from my ex-gf, who knows I can't handle spicy/hot foods real well. We were both drunk out of our minds and she promised to do some real dirty stuff in our hotel room later that night if I ended up eating at least 15 wings."
"What was supposed to be a fun filled 4 day weekend ended up being an ER visit and a 3 day stay at the hospital for capsaicin poisoning."
Do you have something to confess to George? Text "Secrets" or "
The worst kind of job is one that has no regard for your health and safety. "State of emergency? You better still make it to your shift!" "In the hospital? Too bad, be here or else you're fired." Everyone deals with an unreasonable and inconsiderate boss at some point in their working career.
Redditor u/clusterpucks asked... "What is the most bonkers thing that happened to you or your work and your employer STILL expected you to continue your work day?" and people responded with ridiculous work horror stories.
20. It was like a hurricane didn't just happen
"Hurricane Katrina was going to make landfall that day, and the owner of the restaurant I was managing at the time got super pissed when I said I wasn't coming in..,
After the storm hit and devastated New Orleans, the owner was calling me because they needed people to open the restaurant. The roof had blown off of my house, and I was asking him where was I going to live while I worked for him. He said to just get a hotel, as if he was paying me enough to afford such a thing. I also think hotels were pretty well full? Not sure."
19. Designer pirates
"Worked for a small graphic design company fresh out of school. They used cracked software, didn't really pay anyone and were generally shady but I didn't really think anything of it, until the FBI showed up.
Apparently they also didn't pay their taxes and so my boss was taken away in handcuffs and the office was closed.
Or so I thought.
Our boss called our creative director from jail and told us to work from this seedy motel room he set up to finish up the assignment or else we wouldn't get paid.
Nobody showed apparently as we all decided now would be a good time to look for new opportunities."
18. It'll be there forever
"Someone spilled (or poured out) a bottle of deer attractant on the floor under the shelves in the sporting goods section of WalMart. Stank of deer piss for...well, actually, it probably still does. They never cleaned it, and we had ammo to sell."
17. Hopefully the managers let it slide
"The bank across the street from my office was robbed. Not only were we expected to keep on working, the CEO sent out an email forbidding employees to discuss it and telling managers to discipline those who did, even if the employee was on break/calling their family to tell them they were ok."
16. Maybe be nice to the person caring for your loved one
"I work home health aid. Nice old lady but the daughter is a wack job. Long story super short, I was called an imcompenent idiot because her mother had an accident IN THE BATHROOM and it got all over the floor. I was so floored I didn't say anything. So I assumed I would be sent home (24 hr overnight care), she then told me to not be mean to her mother and left the house."
15. When management doesn't care about your major accident
"Part of my job at a vitamin company was doing pick-ups and deliveries. One day when I was bringing a load of stuff back for a big run I got t-boned by a lady talking on her phone and running a red light, she scrunched my van into a telephone pole so the fire department had to cut the van apart to get me out. Once I got to the hospital and was able to make a call, I called the company to let them know what had happened. The production manager only wanted to know why it was taking so long and how soon was I going to be back and he didn't want any excuses."
14. Eyes are more important than fried chicken
"During my study I worked at a very well known fried chicken restaurant. When taking the chicken out of the fryer some frying oil came up and landed in my eye. Of course I went straight for the eye shower to clean it out. While I do this the manager walks up to me and asks if I couldn't have put the chicken on the plates and into the elevator first. I quit the next day."
13. The supervisor couldn't even pretend to care
"I was a nurse working in a dialysis clinic and got a call from my grandmother saying she didn't feel well. After doing some telephone triage, it was apparent she was having a heart attack and needed to go to the ER immediately... I left after notifying my supervisor. I hadn't even made it to my car when I got a call from the nurse manager, who verified that I had left. I told her yes, my grandmother is having a heart attack and I'm on my way to meet her at the ER. She then asked me what time I would be reporting for my shift the following day.
I quit on the spot."
12. Sales over everything
"Last year I worked in a small store at a mall and halfway through my shift a guy had a heart attack and died in the back of our store. We had to close the store so the paramedics could try to save him without people in the way. Our district manager told us it was up to my manager if she wanted to stay closed, because it's kind of traumatic to watch a guy die, and my manager said she'd discuss it with my coworker and I. Then, while my coworker was having an existential crisis in the back room, I saw her reopen the store without even talking to us and started ringing out customers on the security cameras (one of which got really pissy with me when I was trying to close the store originally, because I wouldn't open the jewelry case to let her browse our jewelry...). I left, taking my panicked coworker with me. I don't work there anymore."
11. I wouldn't ask to leave
Giphy"If there were tornado sirens, we were supposed to stay seated keep working until the boss said so."
10. A sign on the door would have sufficed
"Right after Hurricane Sandy, the bank I worked for had no power for days, so obviously we couldn't do any banking. Rather than just close, my manager insisted that the entire staff show up for shifts as usual, just so we could sit in our normal seats in our uniforms and winter jackets to tell any customers who wandered in that we didn't have power and couldn't help them with anything at all.
Just about every single person asked us some variation of 'then what the hell are you doing here?' It sucked."
9. They go to take their ties off, how thoughtful
Giphy"The air-conditioning broke down and people started passing out from the heat.
But they let us take our ties off, so that was generous."
8. I'd sneak on home then
"Federal agents with a search warrant shut down all the computers so they could image the drives.
We puttered around for hours before we finally got sent home at the regular time. However, long lunches and gym visits were permitted."
7. Who hasn't sat in a powerless/internetless office "just in case"?
"The power went out at 8 a.m., but we weren't allowed to go home. We sat around doing nothing for nearly eight hours, 'just in case' the power came on. Then our boss said if it didn't come on by 4 p.m., we could go home and the work schedule would be pushed ahead a full day. Power came on at 3:50 p.m. and we had to do our full workload."
6. Blood splatter is bad for business...
Giphy"I was working at a pet store and was used to being bitten by the pets we sold, hamsters, ferrets, birds - no big deal.
This day, however, as I was helping a woman who had brought her dog in, it attacked me. Luckily it was a small-ish/medium sized dog so it didn't get my face, but I had big bleeding holes all up and down one arm. The lady never said sorry, and my manager told me to go to the back, get cleaned up, and come back out and ring on the resister. So I did, with big blood splatters all over my yellow uniform shirt."
5. Some employers just don't listen to their employees
"I told my employer I was moving across country and that my last day was in two weeks
The day came and they called me as I was on the road asking if I was going to come in"
4. When results matter more than safety
"Automotive painting. Been complaining about my mask parts needing replacing for a few weeks. Finally my mask broke and I refused to paint because toxic fumes where coming into my mask. Being the only automotive painter.... work came to a halt. I was told to get in there and paint or else. I pointed at the security camera and asked him to say that again but a little louder. He fired 2 people that day but I wasn't one of them."
3. Don't let employees bleed in a workplace
"After leaving school I had an evening job at the cinema and I was punched by a patron, was still then expected to carry on for another 4 hours despite my bleeding everywhere
Let's just say I didn't come in for another shift after that!"
2. Do your own paperwork!
"I got a call one day from my cousin saying our house had been broken into. I went home to deal with it and file a police report, and it was honestly so stressful. My supervisor then rang me to ask what time I was planning on coming back to work later in the day because she had paperwork for me to finish."
1. Getting hit by a car wasn't a good enough excuse
"I had been in an accident where I was hit by a van when on my bike. I was on my way to the hospital and shot a quick text to my immediate boss to let him know that I might not be in the next day, as I didn't know what the damage was and how long I may be. He told me to take the day off to be sure I recovered properly.
The next day, his boss called me and asked me where the hell I was.
I told him I'd been hit by a van and he said, 'And?'
I didn't work there much longer after that."
