I get it guys....
Season 23 Episode 10 GIF by South ParkGiphyNot a cop but a buddy of mine is and he likes to tell a story about a guy who flipped his car over on I-75 going through Detroit.
Apparently the guy was wasted, looked like he hadn't bathed in weeks, the car was totaled, there were beer cans strewn all over the highway, and while the various officers who responded were debating over who had to take custody of this wreck of a human being he walked up to them and said "Hey guys, I totally understand if you just want to let me go."
Just a small 10 officer...
Not a police officer and not my story, but funny....
From the law firm partner who trained me:
Client is driving home from a court hearing 2 hours away with attorney in passenger seat. Gets stopped for doing 10-15 over the limit on freeway. Cop approaches and client opens with:
"Officer, I'm terribly sorry, I was speeding, probably 10 miles over the limit, you can write me a ticket if you need to, but please do it quickly ... you see, I have my attorney in the car and he's charging me $400/hour until I drop him off..."
Cop said it was the best excuse he'd heard in months, told him to slow down, and get home safely, but let them off with no ticket or write-up.
Such a Turd
Not a cop but my crap-moblie broke so was borrowing my mom's Lexus. Cruising along see police lights, look back at speedometer I'm pushing 80 on a road that is normally a 45 so just pull over. Cop finally catches up goes through the whole ordeal paperwork, do you know why I pulled you over?
Etc. Explain that it's my mom's car and I'm not used to something that can get out of its own way and apologize for going so fast. Describe my car to him and he just laughs, says he has seen it around town before and commented on how it was such a turd. Let me go with a verbal warning.
Oh Grandma....
Old Lady Dancing GIF by MattielGiphyMy friend's 70-year-old mother got pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt. She told the cop she just got breast implants and the doctor advised her against seatbelt use until she healed. Cop let her go.
I Gotta Pee Yo!
I got pulled over when I was 39 weeks pregnant because I didn't signal while turning into a gas station at 2 am.
I was going to pickup a friend who needed a ride and a place to sleep, but baby shifted and I was 10 seconds away from peeing my pants.
I was already unbuckled and leaving the car.
I yelled at him he could give me any ticket he wanted but I have to pee first as a waddled as fast as I could into the gas station.
When I got back he was just standing there looking awkward, asked if I felt better, told me to remember my signal and left.
Thanks, Dad...
Not a cop, but I had one laugh in my face when I was 19 and got caught speeding.
I was doing 75 on the highway at night, in an area that has signs that indicate the speed limit is 70 during the day but 60 at night.
I legitimately didn't know I was speeding because of of this incident when I was a kid... my dad was kind of a speed demon, and I was a snitch of a kid. One night on this same stretch of highway I looked over and saw him driving about 80, and I pointed out that the sign said the speed limit was 60 at night.
My dad told me, not missing a beat, "That rule only applies to 18-wheelers." And I believed him.
10+ years later, this cop pulled me over and pointed out the lower speed limit at night, and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "My dad told me that only applies to trucks?" The cop started laughing. My genuine confusion (and embarrassment) apparently convinced him, though, because he didn't write a ticket.
Thanks, dad.
Back off.....
I'm not a cop but I said something stupid to one and actually got out of a ticket.
It was at night on the highway, one lane due to construction and I was going the speed limit. Some butthole decided to tailgate me pretty bad, as in I couldn't even see their headlight. I sped up and they did as well.
By the time construction ended we were going 90-100mph, I tuned of to my exit and Mr butthole was still following me. Slowing down to stop and blue lights light up.
I told him I thought he was just some fool tailgating me or something, I got chewed out and he left. I never got a ticket.
Haha... got me...
Tom Cruise Smile GIFGiphyMy boyfriend's dad got pulled over once for speeding. The officer said he clocked him going 50mph.
"But officer I was only going 45!!" "Sir this roads limit is 35.."
Needless to say he got a ticket.
The Escort
A friend was given court documents that needed to be presented to judge 200 miles away to stop a deportation that night. Not only did he not get a ticket, the police escorted him and contacted the force in the next county so the escort continued until he got there. At one point he couldn't keep up with them because they were driving too fast for him.
ETA thank you for the awards and up votes.
Leaking....
shots fired lol GIF by Jonas MosessonGiphyA colleague of mine loved to tell how she was pulled over for speeding. She explained to cop she panicked because she began leaking milk and wanted to get home quick to clean and collect (she just had a baby). Cop had an horrified reaction and let her go.
It's not accurate
Was riding with a friend of mine one night on the maiden voyage after he installed a V8 in his Pontiac Fiero Got pulled over and the cop walked up and says " I stopped you because I clocked you doing 76 in a 55"
Buddy says "you should get that radar thing checked, it's not accurate "
Cops says "we calibrate it twice per shift etc etc " Buddy says "no, you don't understand, if it says we were doing 76, it's not working right, cause we were doing just over a hundred"
Cop fell over laughing, said he's been a cop for 17 years and no one has ever argued that they were going faster than he clocked them, and wrote a warning.
I got nabbed for blowing a stop sign, that was in the middle of nowhere and you could see both directions for miles, Cop was upset and says "you're driving an 18 wheeler and just ran that stop sign, what have you got to say for yourself ?"
"All I can say is that it was pretty stupid to run a stop sign in front of you.
Dude wrote me a warning for not lying and saying I didn't run it.
Lead foot
When I was in Driver Ed 30+ years ago, a cop came to class one day to discuss driving safety. At the end he mentioned some of his favorite excuses for speeding, such as "I'm wearing my heavy shoes today" and "I just left the car wash and drove fast to dry it off."
Jason Bourne
Kind of the opposite, but I once had a cop once pull me over for speeding, and he asked me if I had any decent reason at all why I was speeding. The way he said it, it seemed he didn't really want to give me a ticket.
All of my pre-planned excuses went out the window and I kind of stammered "Uh, no...no good reason." I certainly didn't expect a get out of jail free card (so to speak), so he knocked it down to the minimum and gave me the ticket. He actually seemed disappointed in me, lol.
At the time, I couldn't understand why he was so generous. But I found out later that when my plates got run, it came up that I had a Restricted Carry Permit for firearms. I was an armored car guard at the time and where I live the only people that get those carry permits are guards and trappers, who live way up north. Given that I had the permit, it was obvious to him that I was a somewhat law-abiding citizen, besides driving like Jason Bourne in a car chase. I was let off for speeding all the time when working, but that is a different set of circumstances.
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The Frivolous.
GiphyLittle old lady would call every morning to ask what the weather was like outside. No matter how many times we told her to stop.
A grown man wanted to press charges against someone who flipped him off while driving. beautnight
Bambi's Eyes.
When they released our city's stupidest 911 calls a few years ago, this was one:
There's a deer in my yard. (A weekly occurrence here)
What is it doing?
It's looking at me. Not_A_Wendigo
it was hilarious.....
Not a dispatcher, but firefighter. We were called out to a residence one very frosty morning mid winter during a very long cold snap... because the homeowner couldn't open his front door and was unable to get out to get to work. We drove up, I got out, ready to force the door open, but tried it first. It opened with minimal effort (frozen a bit). I opened the door and called out "Fire department. Did you still need us?" He was so embarrassed and it was hilarious. gorammitMal
Yogi?
GiphyA guy called because an injured bear was in his front yard for "a few hours." It was a giant landscaping boulder that had been there for years. oneofthesesigns
ROOMBA!
I was doing IT work at a dispatch center when a 911 call came in from a woman who said that she came home and heard a burglar upstairs. This was in a small town that doesn't get much crime. The town sent 5 of their own cops plus they requested mutual aid from two neighboring towns.
A total of about 10 officers cordoned off the area and set up a perimeter. Cops went into the house looking for the burglar.
They found that the noise was caused by a ROOMBA that got trapped in a closet. The vacuum was banging against the walls and the closet door trying to escape.
No arrests were made that day. Fortunately, no one was injured, either. dartdoug
The Rinse.
She got shampoo in her eye while showering. She rinsed it out, and her vision was unaffected, but it, like, really stung for a minute. She was 27 and could not be talked out of having paramedics dispatched. When the medics got there, they couldn't talk her out of going to the hospital.
She was fine, at least until she got word from her insurance company that they weren't going to pay for her "frivolous and unnecessary" ambulance ride. jemmo_
Not a Taxi....
GiphyThere are apparently multiple people each month who think they can call the emergency number asking for the police to give them a ride home because they got plastered at a bar and don't want to drink & drive. ConstableBlimeyChips
Finding the Pro.
I had a guy call 911 and wanted to report that a woman had stolen his money. We were swamped that night so I kept him on the line trying to get further information. Upon asking a few more questions about the woman and her description it was obvious he was describing a sex worker.
He then began to cry and begged me to not judge him for hiring a sex worker. I promised him I wouldn't judge him and I would send him an officer as soon as we had one available. He hung up and I pended the call as the woman was no longer on scene. He called back on 911 less than a minute later and proceeded to want to talk about his hiring her until officers arrived.
My partner and I continued to pick up his call after we had to place him on hold several times to take other 911 calls during the 15 minute period it took for officers to get to him. He ended up getting arrested for disorderly conduct that night as he was extremely intoxicated and decided he wanted to have a go at the officers when they arrived. cycleindiana
So Petty.
Because their electricity went out and they wanted the police to fix it. Then got upset when I told them they needed to call their power company.
I've also had someone call because their neighbors tree was dropping leaves into their yard and they wanted the neighbor to clean it up.
And one of the funniest/most ridiculous: because someone's automatic sprinklers turned on while they were walking their dog and they got wet. Wanted to press assault charges.
People call for the most PETTY things ever. I would always have them call back on the non-emergency line as soon as they told me the ridiculousness. 911 is for emergencies only boys and girls! knewfonewhodis
Find the Birds.
GiphyI will never forget that brief period in early 2018 when KFC ran out of chicken and police in the UK received so many calls about it that they had to put out a notice asking people to stop. PoundshopPrincessJas
"He was so embarrassed..."
Not a dispather, but firefighter. We were called out to a residence one very frosty morning mid winter during a very long cold snap...because the homeowner couldn't open his front door and was unable to get out to get to work. We drove up, I got out, ready to force the door open, but tried it first. It opened with minimal effort (frozen a bit). I opened the door and called out "Fire department. Did you still need us?" He was so embarassed and it was hilarious.
"Caller advised..."
- Elderly male was trying to scoop poop out of his constipated wife's bhole and made it bleed. Had to instruct the caller to not try to scoop anything else out of the patients bhole.
- Caller advised someone dead in her front driveway. Asked for an approximate age, said 40-50 year old male. Arrived on scene to find her pet deceased in the driveway. (No wonder she declined CPR)
- "Drunk falcon". Caller reported someone stumbling into the roadway possible drunk. Asking for a description of "him" as the caller told us, and he said brown. (??) To clarify, African American or Hispanic? Caller said.. "uh I'm not sure, light brown? I mean it's a falcon so the normal falcon brown?" I could go on, but honestly every day gets weirder and weirder.
"I once had a woman..."
Medical dispatcher here:
I once had a woman call for an ambulance because her daughter got her hand stuck between the mattress and the wall and she couldn't pull it out or lift the mattress.
I once had a man call because his 13yo daughter had vaginal bleeding. It was her period. Not even her first. He called without telling the daughter or the mom - who had primary custody and had the daughter at HER house at the time.
I once had a woman call because she choked on her food - a "down the wrong pipe" situation - and requested I stay on the line with her until the ambulance arrived because she was scared. She asked me "Do you think I could still be choking?"
I once had a woman call because she thought she felt a lump in her breast and wanted to go to the ER. We're not allowed to tell people to make an appointment with their doctor in the morning, so I sent an ambulance. The kicker: she lived 1 block down from the hospital. She could've walked and saved a lot of money.
"I had a woman..."
I had a woman recently call in upset that a cashier wouldn't cash her lottery tickets after asking her to leave repeatedly.
"He was advised..."
911 call with the reporting party saying there is a jellyfish stranded on the beach. He was advised not to touch it and asked if anyone needed medical assistance that had been stung. No, he wanted someone to come SAVE THE JELLYFISH. I explained that it was a natural phenomenon and that neither Animal Control nor the Marine Mammal Center will respond for that. He screamed at me that I was an animal hater until I had to disconnect.
"I ha
I have a cousin who is a 911 dispatcher, his first ever call, a woman called to get the phone number of one of the cops who had recently been to her house because she hadn't had sex in over a month and thought he was hot.
"Some dude called us..."
Some dude called us to make a "serious complaint" i asked him what was the problem and he said "They gave me like a medium size worth of fries and I asked for large" I was confused and I asked if this was a prank call. He said no. Dude was really pissed of that he didn't get all his fries.
"I could list off calls..."
I could list off calls all day. Been a dispatcher for 4 years now and I honestly thought maybe 25% of calls would be something pressing when someone called 911. I was very wrong. Maybe 2% on a good day. On 5 different occasions I've had people want us to check the area around their house because "my dog is barking and he never barks." When asked if they saw or heard anything they say no. So we go and patrol the area 100% based on a dog hunch.
"She was called..."
Not me personally, but a friend of mine who works as a call dispatcher. She was called just this week by an adult male wanting the police because his neighbour trimmed his hedges over the property line.
Needless to say they didn't pay him a visit.
"A man calls..."
A man calls about domestic violence but when the police arrived he answered the door with a bowl of spaghetti dumped on his head. He and his wife had gotten into a (food) fight. Some of the other casualties were the cesar salad which was dumped on the wife's head and some garlic bread that she used to hit her husband.
A man could not..."
A man could not get through the Capatcha to request an Uber. He may have been a robot.
"All laugh."
When my wife and I were new parents we called poison control because our daughter, who had just started crawling, ate a grasshopper. (Half a grasshopper, actually.)
The operator was laughing so hard she could barely talk. Put us on speaker phone with a whole room full of laughing people. They reassured us by pointing out that this is a delicacy in some cultures. Said it was good with honey.
It became a family joke. "Remember the time she ate a grasshopper?" "No, it was just half a grasshopper." All laugh. She glares at us.
"My mom..."
My mom was a dispatcher when I was really young and they would always get 911 calls of when will the fireworks start for 4th of July, the summer festival and any sort of event with fireworks.
"One day..."
"Chicken by the coffee pot."
The neighborhood we lived in had random stray chickens. (Word on the street was someone was trying to run a chicken fighting ring and the chickens rebelled and escaped, thus creating a slew of stray chickens running amuck. I don't buy it though.) One was actually roosting in my backyard for five days without my dogs noticing... anyway...
My husband is a police officer in the next town over. One day he called me laughing, because he heard through his dispatch radio that our neighbor called 911 because a chicken had broken into their house and was sitting next to their coffee pot.
"She didn't throw away..."
Because her husband yelled at her. She didn't throw away an empty bottle of shampoo. They were both inebriated and eventually, he got on the line too and started explaining that she's messy. I dispatched an officer right away, because not on my watch Kidding. Kidding! But an officer did go out! Lol it was a small country town.
"I'm gonna add..."
I'm gonna add to the stuff stuck up the butt. I didn't take the call but I got to listen to the recording right after my coworker took the call. Guy calls in asking for an ambulance saying he has a fever that won't go away after a couple of days. In cases like this we try to get a little further just in case it's more serious, although it's not uncommon to dispatch for a fever. He sounds fine, completely coherent. He is being really sketchy about explaining his circumstances. After a brief pause he goes "I got something stuck up my butt a few days ago and I can't get it out. Ok, I said it!" My coworker did everything in her power to keep it professional.
Oh, and I was just mocked and chewed out by a caller because we weren't helping him fast enough. Something to do with his neighbor neglecting her dog. He's been standing in his driveway for an hour even though he just called us 10 minutes ago...
"There was a spout..."
There was a spout of people calling 911 because their order was wrong from a fast food place.
"She had a lady..."
My sister worked dispatch. She had a lady call 911 because her neighbours filled there pool and she thought it was too full. When the neighbours jumped in the pool some of the water would splash out and the caller though some water would go on to her property. My sister told her that this isn't an emergency. The lady replied by screaming "But I have a dinner party tonight!". No cops were sent.
"A guy who phoned..."
I was a 999 operator for an ambulance service in the UK. I have had:
*Idiots calling 999 just to wish us happy Christmas or happy new year with no consideration that they are blocking lines for genuine emergencies.
*People phoning to chat because they feel lonely.
*A guy who phoned 999 EVERY NIGHT to say he was having a heart attack but actually just had anxiety. This is actually not an uncommon issue.
*A couple who would phone 999 regularly to tell us that their partner was unconscious and not breathing despite hearing the partner talking in the background...
*People ringing 999 to ask for an emergency ambulance for their pet cat that had been run over.
"A woman called..."
A woman called DEMANDING that her extensive criminal record be wiped.
"Had a call come in..."
Had a call come in once from a man reporting that his ex had broken into his flat and tried to murder him.
What had actually happened was that the ex (who still lived at the property) had come in using her key and opened a window because it was over 35°c (95°f) in the flat. He thought she was trying to kill him by giving him hypothermia. On the hottest night of the year.
"A family member..."
A family member who works dispatch told me they had a call:
"Someone threw a hot dog at me."
"Another..."
Guy calls 999 and asks for police, somone has put cardboard beside their oil tank and I think it's going to explode! Come quick!. Sorry sir, is there a fire? No it's a fire hazard. Ok well if a fire breaks out it isnt the cardboard that you need to worry about and from my recollection cardboard doesn't just spontaneously combust.
Another was, I just poured some oil down a drain buy mistake send police now! Ok sir, this isnt really a police matter. Contact the water service. But I need the police Would you like me to come arrest the oil sir?
"Have a fungal growth..."
Paramedic, but I think I qualify, and there's a few from offer the years. Have writer's block, can't sleep. Have a fungal growth on my scrotum (proceeds to show me despite my protestations). Was stuck in an elevator, was scared I was going to die (though clearly not dead). Parents turned the Wi-Fi off because I'm playing too much Xbox (I did sympathise a bit, it was a double XP that weekend). I have a cloud phobia, I walked outside an saw some clouds. I broke a nail.
Try keeping composed and professional when such rubbish comes out of people's mouths.
"Woman in hysterics..."
Woman in hysterics just totally losing her mind because her son was missing as he hadn't returned from school. First question was "when was he suppose to come home?" Her response was "3pm" it was 1:30.
"Someone called..."
My mum had a call on Christmas Day about 15 years ago. Someone rang in to say their turkey wouldn't fit in the oven.
"Someone called up..."
I used to work for 000 in Aus. Someone called up because there was a spider in their bathroom. I had to put them through to the fire brigade and the lady was screaming and the firefighter was like "just throw a shoe at it". Pretty sure they had to send someone around
"I was once dispatched..."
Retired deputy here. I was once dispatched to a call in the middle of the night in which a lady stated that she couldn't sleep because of a duck quacking outside her window. Fortuneately it was gone before I got there.
We got paged to a guy tripping the other day seeing Jesus in his phone. He was a super cooperative and sweet patient, and just having a really bad night. His douchebag friends kicked him out when he was having a hard time, so we picked him up basically to keep him safe. He had quite the cocktail of drugs on board, so we convinced him (effortlessly, he was very sweet) to let us check out his heart and make sure it wasn't struggling with the mix of uppers and downers. His pulse and BP were rightfully elevated, but healthy.
At that point, Jesus Phone made him call his mom, so he, mom, and myself had a lovely conversation in the ambulance. She wins mom of the year award for being so understanding and supportive of her son in a hard place, and he wins patient of the year for being a good self-advocate and so agreeable despite how scared he was. But don't do drugs, kids, Jesus will appear in your phone and tell you whacky stuff.
The funny footage shows a cop being busted out of the bathroom with the heavy-duty ram after getting stuck.
The huge red enforcer - dubbed the big red key - is normally used to smash down the doors of hardened criminals.
The 30-second clip opens with an officer from an unidentified force striding into the toilet with the 35lb battering ram over his shoulder.
UK Cop Humour / SWNS.com
He then checks that his colleague is not behind the door, asking:
"Are your trousers up or what - are you ready to go?"
UK Cop Humour / SWNS.com
Given the go-ahead, the officer easily breaks into the bathroom with just one swing and frees the trapped man.
UK Cop Humour / SWNS.com
He then emerges to the laughter and cheers of his assembled colleagues - and appears to look a bit sheepish.
UK Cop Humour / SWNS.com
The video was filmed earlier this month.
The owner did not want to reveal which force was involved.
He joked:
"What is the cake fine for getting yourself locked in the bathroom and having to be saved by Firearms?"
