I'm an extremely picky person. Which means I'm a huge pain in the back side. Literally any little thing can change my feelings for a person, even a strong wind. I'm trying to be better.
One Sided
Whatever Shrug GIF by MOODMANGiphy"Lack of investment. When one of the parties won't do anything to help or grow the relationship it will end when the other person becomes exhausted and disillusioned."
no going back...
"Contempt. Relationships can come back from anger, because you can't be really angry at someone you don't care about, and trust that is damaged can be rebuilt, but there's no path from contempt to healthy."
"This is the best answer... I was stuck in a controlling, abusive relationship... But the first time I felt contempt for him... It was over. There was no going back. Took a couple months to arrange a safe way to leave, but I was just counting down the days at that point."
Who Cares?
"Just general apathy. When I no longer got annoyed with my ex because I just didn't care, we didn't argue, I really didn't want to be there any more, I knew it was over. What they say about hate not being the opposite of love is true. It's indifference."
"This is true. Once I lost respect for my ex, I knew there was no looking back and didn't even give a crap."
RUN!
Serial Killer Halloween GIF by GIPHY CAMGiphy"Murder."
"Lol that was the first thing I thought of."
- userdeleted
Yeah murder changes everything. I'll stand by you for a lot, but if we end up a Netflix documentary, I'm going to be so peeved. And if I give up, it's beyond done.
Normalize Mental Health GIF by mtvMoney Blues
"Financial issues. Not just financial pressure but also having a large gap between what you make/contribute and what your partner makes/contributes. Over time this can cause animosity if you're not both clear with each other about the expectation and long term plan/goals."
The Heft of Life
"Stress. The amount of failed relationships due to people unable to handle the stress of trying to provide in an economy where majority are unable to actually provide is crazy. Nothing is more debilitating than working hard and not making ends meet."
Who are you?
"People change. There comes a point in some relationships when a person is no longer the same person that you fell in love with. I mean, in a sense they ARE literally the same person and that is what makes it so difficult. You begin to live in the past, in love with someone who no longer exists."
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A Loan...
"My partner and I were great until we started looking at apartments. He makes a lot of money but it all gets invested back into his profession- I was too understanding. I took all the financial risks- I put down the deposit on both apartments that we looked at, and I loaned him $2,000 for his portion of the initial payment for an apartment."
"3 days before we were supposed to move in he let me know he wouldn't be able to have the money we needed to pay rent- we had to break the lease and I lost the entire deposit. It's been a year and he hasn't paid me back a cent. We were perfect before. Now I'm bitter, angry, considering leaving quite often and I feel betrayed. I don't think he even realizes."
Hard Labor
Happy I Love You GIF by Minnie MouseGiphy"Thinking love is enough. It's not. Relationships need a lot of work. They can end, even though people love each other, if not enough work is put into."
They Gone
"Talking about their ex. If you cant let go of the past then we have no future. There are suppose to be two of us in this relationship - not three... you, me and your ex."
"There is a difference between not letting go of the past, and having a past. I don't try to avoid mentioning my exes. They happened, and that's fine. So did my wife's exes."
Working Hard
"I hate the phrase "relationships needs work". My ex used it a lot , but the truth is we should have ended things a long time before. The relationship was straining and it took more than gave back. In my current relationship I do a lot of work, but I want to do it and I like doing it. So it doesn't feel like work."
- Ellubori
Drugs
"Meth."
"Yeah, that'll definitely do it. When I was in high school my best friend started to complain that her boyfriend had suddenly changed snd was really rude and abusive. I suggested the possibility of drugs. She claimed he was too poor to buy drugs. It ended up being drugs. And then a couple years later the same thing happened to her. She's fine now, but I had to remove her from my life until she wasn't on a indefinite banger anymore."
Move Away
scared home alone GIFGiphy"Incompatible sleeping position killed my last relationship. I prefer to sleep on my back. She preferred to sleep with her ex-boyfriend."
ball of hate...
"Selfishness. When the relationship revolves only to a single person, and not between both people, just get out of there. You'd only grow into a ball of hate."
a stamp for life...
"Cheating."
"This is the only correct answer imo. While other answers here do make sense, cheating is a stamp for life. How anyone can forgive a cheating partner is beyond me."
"Interesting comment, I've never felt that cheating is such a bad thing. I'm more upset about the lying and the why part of cheating than the sex with others."
- wcdi_30
Rude and Lazy
"Not having trust in someone even when they believe you're lying when you're telling them the truth... also maybe like household chores or being rude to everyone all the time."
"Chores seems to be a huge point of conflict for many of my friends in long-term relationships."
You gotta indulge...
"An unbalance. You gotta indulge in your partner's wants as frequently as they indulge in yours. Can't make your partner hike with you whenever you want but couldn't be bothered to watch a movie they like at the theatre. And for God sakes no double standards, if you don't want them doing something, don't do it either."
Talk About X
"Lack or absence of overall communication. You will :
- drift apart
- grow apart
- stop understanding each other
- small untold issues, once you are conscious of them become huge issues."
"My wife and I made this one number our priority. We will communicate. Whenever something seems / feels / is wrong, we talk openly about it (I said talk, not argue) and we always solve the issue. This has allowed us to go on for 4 years while never shouting at each other. There are other reasons but whenever I hear that a couple "does not talk about x issue cause maybe it will change on the future", I know it won t and I know it may not last long."
Basic Deceny
"Unhealthy communication. I grew up with a family that loves to pull things out of the closet when they're backed into a proverbial corner in an argument. I really hate that behavior. If me and my fiancé have a fight and resolve it. I will not bring up the mistakes again to gain footing. I also do not believe in belittling my partner when I'm angry. Too many people are just 'ok' with insulting one another when they're mad. I won't stay with someone who cannot maintain basic decency when things get tough."
You Know
"For me its the "you should know what you did" sentiment. No forget that its childish highshcooler bull I'm not a mind reader bit if you. But tell me whats bothering you and I'm always willing to talk and work it out. Plus with my ADHD I can't remember breakfast most days and certainly not Something you thought i said wrong 5 days ago."
Rivals
30 Rock GIFGiphy"Her friends and family thinking she can do better combined with male rivals hanging around she won't get rid of despite their obvious interest."
So what have we learned thus far? Love is rough. So you have to take care of it. Are you capable?
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I stayed in a few relationships years longer than I should've. Eventually I realized what I was doing and accepted the end. The days I walked away were some of the hardest and smartest of my life. Who can relate?
Family Affair
angry oh no GIF by CBCGiphy"When she game home drunk one night, asking me if my brother had told me."
"Told me what?"
"Her: that I cheated on you with him?"
- pdAVEUS
Vile
"It was already on the rocks from roughly around the time the millionth drunken argument happened, however the moment that sealed it was when she said something to me along the lines of "if your dad wanted to be alive he would still be here. My dad died in a car accident 3 years before that. Immediately went from loving her enough to make it work to thinking she was the most vile person on Earth."
"Where are you?"
"Genuinely feared for my safety. I went over and we got in an argument so I slept on the floor essentially. I went to the bathroom to text one of my buddies to come pick me up since I thought she had fallen asleep. I suddenly get a text from her saying "Where are you?" and my phone made a sound. I froze up and opened the bathroom door and she was already standing there waiting for me in the darkness. She didn't say a word at all, just stared at me until I walked by."
"I went back to my spot on the floor and got under the blanket and pretended to be going asleep until she did. After about 30 minutes I decided to peek out from under the covers and she was literally towering over me in total darkness with her eyes wide open the entire time. I got the freak out of there so fast."
- GAU8
Rude!
"We went to the mall and stopped by this little kiosk selling cookies. I decided that I would get one cookie. The lady working there said if I buy 2 I get one free. I decided to buy two and get the third one free. My date WENT OFF on this lady saying she's trying to scam me etc, etc. He was legit yelling so loud that it was echoing through the mall. It was so embarrassing. If you're rude to people in customer service, you're not for me."
Dumplin'
Pop Tv No GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy"He canceled my order meal while I went to the bathroom because he thought I ordered too much. It was just small extra dumpling."
Oh see, now it once it starts taking a turn into Lifetime movie thriller category, then you should already be backed. And if they are rude, don't question it, that will never change. Just move along...
A Copy
"She picked me because I had the same first name, general appearance, and lived in the same area of the state as her ex fiancé, of two years, that she had just been dumped by a month before we met. I felt even more offended about all of that than just being straight up rejected."
Evil
"When my now ex wife came in to the living room where I was sleeping on the couch after a fight and started lunging at me. She asked me if she reminded me of my stepdad who used to come in my room at night and stand over me before he dragged me out of bed by my ankles. He would then put the boots to me for whatever sins I had committed that day."
"She was the only person I had ever shared this with. She went out of town for work 2 days later and when she came home I was gone and in another state. It was remarkable the amount of abuse I put up with to that point. It dawned on me then that if he had returned to my life I wouldn't let him hurt me so there was no reason to let her abuse me either."
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When we were young...
"I was going through some stuff in my early twenties and was pretty desperate for any kind of affection, which is the only reason I took a couple weeks to back out of this. The second time I ever met her, she told me to delete every girl's number from my phone (sister included)."
"She then came over to my place, saw I had a full bookshelf and ridiculed me for being a reader, and in the same breath announced that she loved cocaine so much and wanted me to try it. Finally, I escaped, but by then she was already sleeping with two of my friends (who are obviously no longer my friends). The good news is, I've now been happily married for five years and consider myself so incredibly lucky."
Pay Up
"My brother took a girl to a high end sushi place and his date ordered 3x the food as he did (he just got a grilled salmon). She ate almost none of it and at the end she said she ordered all the extras so she could "take some home for tomorrow". When the waiter showed up for the bill she excused herself to go to the bathroom."
"The waiter asked my brother if he wanted to split the check and at that point my brother did the right thing and stuck her with $100 worth of sushi and booze. The girl returned to see a huge check at her seat."
Good Night
couple argue GIF by The Maury ShowGiphy"She kept waking me up over and over all night trying to have an argument with me. The argument was about me going to sleep."
Where to Start?
"How about things that should have been red flags but I was too naive to recognize?"
"-left notes on my car windshield when I was at work/a friend's house/the store (seemed sweet, but I realized later that was my SO keeping tabs on me, even when I didn't say where I was)."
"-let me know how much a hit man cost and that it was "cheaper than you'd expect."
"-would tell me something, and then later say that was a lie or a test, as though I should have figured that out instead of expecting the truth."
"-expected me to answer every call, and would get angry if I wanted to end the call first."
"-complained about my friends and family all the time. All of them. Apparently everyone I knew was manipulative and/or rude. I didn't figure out this was an attempt to isolate me until after we broke up."
- BitwiseB
I don't cry at work anymore...
"I kept having to call the cops to calm down my wife after she became addicted to a slew of prescription drugs. I told her doctors that opiates for a a ruptured vertebrae, stimulants for ADHD, Ambien most nights to help her sleep and an assortment of others for anxiety and depression, and more to combat side-effects, made her violent."
"One of the times that I called the cops to calm the situation down during a bad episode just made me cry. All he had to say was that he had already been there, and asked when it would stop.I thought I'd been holding things together reasonably well. I had an office job where no one knew what was up, though my work had suffered greatly. I kept clothes and food in my trunk, just in case I had to stay out for a bit because she had decided I was part of 'the conspiracy'."
"I had a gym on the way to work I could where I could shower or just have some down time. I did all of our housework and errands, because she couldn't work or do much of anything most of the time. Each time she cut herself she told the hospital it was an accident, and she always tried to go to a different one (we lived in a major metro, between hospitals)."
"The cop saw through it. Being seen like that and knowing that even that lifestyle was running out hurt. I'm now recovering from the divorce and enjoying the calm. I still sometimes panic for no reason, and I feel more comfortable with clothes and food stashed in the trunk, but I feel much healthier. I get more sleep. My blood pressure has normalized (for the most part). I don't cry at work anymore."
Scumbag
"I received a message that clearly wasn't meant for me. We just had our first date which went really well. Calling me cheap and a slimeball and how I'm on my last last chance to make things right on her coming birthday with lots of presents. I replied "hi this is X, we just met and had one date, was that message for someone else? She replied pretending to be her 12 year old sister. Then apparently her dad messaged me with how he's told off his younger daughter. I'm out, forget that crap 🤣."
Real Life Issues
Super Bowl Ok GIF by PepsiGiphy"When he didn't want to have sex because he was grossed out by my period that I had finished three days prior. Noped out of that one real quick."
Love Not Defined
"I told her I was going to leave her, and she said "so you're going to leave me—just like you left your brother?" My twin brother committed suicide in 2017, and she knew how much guilt I had over not being there for him. Such a manipulative, disgusting thing for any person to say. Especially someone who claims to "love" you. I moved out two days later."
I'm me!
"He wanted me to grow out my pit and leg hair and texted, called, and emailed me repeatedly about it. It seemed like a pretty silly thing and he just had a little fetish but after several days of this my sister said, "Why do you always attract the controlling freaks?" and I finally had a moment of clarity."
6 years in...
"Married for six years. Started out thinking she just struggled with depression and anxiety sometimes, but things kept escalating. I walked away when she started threatening to stab me in my sleep. We had already tried several couples therapists and individual therapists, but she refused to consider medication."
"I called her to meet up and try to find some closure, but she cut me off telling me I wasn't allowed to leave her and as punishment she was sleeping with two other guys. At that point I just ignored her number and filed for divorce. Hope she's doing well, but glad to not be afraid for my life!"
LOTR Love
"My brother came to visit me. After I spend whole day with my gf, it was time to see my brother because we did not see each other for a long time. We prepared some snacks and about to start LOTR because both of us love LOTR. She called me and started a long conversation on phone. I said my brother waits for me and she said that I cannot spend my time with anyone because it belongs to her. It was last talk between two of us."
- vtoken6
Get Up
"Followed me to a night out, got on his knees stopping traffic in the middle of a city centre street to declare his love. We had been on two dates. He also told me that same night he could see into the future and already knew he was going to die defending my honour while I was carrying our twins. Yeah... he was fun."
Be Positive
Awkward Season 4 GIF by The OfficeGiphy"Told everybody she knew about any little disagreement. Anytime I could be perceived unreasonable it was everyone's business. But somehow the surprises, special dates, lending her cousin rent money, all of that wasn't brought up. Just negative stuff was public knowledge."
How is it crazy people always find a good heart to trample over, yet so many of us kind folk just sit here alone? I'll never understand it. But better to be alone, than living in fear and chaos. That is when boring is better.
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Options
I'm not a therapist, but my therapist straight face told me that "there are worse options than divorce".
Got divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me.
Choose for Us
One partner says they're seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they're seeking your services to make it so they stay together.
Then it's about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence decide what they want, since the other person knows.
Edit: I am sorry to be reading about how many people experienced being the person who wanted to stay together when their partner was unsure. I hope that, whatever happened, you have found or are finding happiness again.
The Cousel
I saw a couple that was doing "retaliatory" cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering.
It was their decision to come to counselling, so I think it was the help they wanted.
Other clients realize what they really want is "divorce counselling". What's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?
They're Wrong
Argue Sesame Street GIFGiphyPeople who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they're right and their partner is wrong. Almost like they're complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems.
Remember When....
Relationship therapist here.
One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them.
When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they're just about hopeless.
You don't have to be happy for therapy to work--but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over.
EDIT - This is clearly resonating with some folks, so I'd like to recommend a book. If you find yourself in this situation, check out "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. She gives some solid explanations of how people get into this cycle, as well as some suggestions on how to try and navigate it.
See One Another
When I see a couple in which one or both of the members are seeking to change something fundamental about the other person. We process where the need for the change comes from and the person with the issue evaluates whether it's a dealbreaker for them or not. We work on acceptance and tolerance of others. I also recommend my couples are also in individual therapy on their own.
Pleading the 5th....
I was in couples therapy. At the end of the first session, the therapist asked us to say one nice thing about each other. I went first, said something nice about him. Therapist asked him to say something, and he replied "My mother always told me if you can't say something nice, say nothing.
So I'll say nothing".
Felt so sorry for the therapist.
And yes, that's when I started planning my exit. I am now very happy in a new relationship and my "revenge" is to be living my beet life. Very happy now. :).
Lost Peace
mad rainn wilson GIF by T-MobileGiphyContempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship I know it is usually over. Look towards a peaceful ending at that point if possible.
The Fiancè
Not my client, but I had to watch as my own roommate dealt with her fiancè.
He was: A. controlling her (physically/activities/financials).
B. continuously dismissing her feelings/assessments/opinions (fiancè would revert to baby talk, speaking to roommate like she was an uneducated child, "daddy knows best" type of gaslighting garbage).
C. trying to hide his narcissistic tendencies behind his "good church boy" exterior.
This was all happening in my condo while she was waiting to move out and marry him. I usually tried to stay out of their issues, but one afternoon I softly encouraged her-- saying I agreed with her re: an argument I'd witnessed earlier in the day-- she came back that night after the fiancè convinced her that." I was jealous and was trying to break them up so I could have him..."
She barely talked to me again until she moved out. Sadly they did get married, have 2 kids, and she's a completely isolated stay at home mom. I don't even want to imagine what it's like for her at home.
Mean It...
ava duvernay couple GIF by OWN: Oprah Winfrey NetworkGiphyIt's very easy to work out when one person knowingly prioritises their own wants and needs over their partners. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person simply doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change.
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