A recently deleted Redditor wanted to compare notes on parents, so they asked:
"What screams 'I’m a terrible parent?'"
I can't tell anyone how to be a parent.
But I have a few ideas on how to make a few tweaks.
recording homer simpson GIF"I'm SUPER fascinated in finding out how this generation of kids who are growing up with cameras in their faces turn out. Seeing as generations tend to do the opposite of how their parents raised them, it’d be funny if the babies born now, completely revolt against all things social media 😅."
WildflowerChickpea
Just Say It!
"Not saying sorry to your kid when you are in the wrong or made a mistake."
SuvenPan
"I used to struggle with this. I became so used to excusing my existence that I became habitually defensive. Admitting that I’m wrong is still a conscious effort for me."
"For my children, I try to model being magnanimous when getting something wrong; if they correct me and they’re obviously right, whether it be with discipline or information, I try to go out of my way to say I was wrong and thank them for telling me. I think I’m doing better? Hard to tell."
darklightner11
Crap Talk
"Talking crap about your ex in front of your kid."
Material_Ambition_95
"There was this woman who would rant about her ex-husband in front of her kids all. the. time. and their faces would look so sad and hurt. You may hate that man but your kids have part of his DNA and they take everything you say to heart. It's a poisonous and manipulative thing to do."
Antidote_to_Chaos
"Adding to that, telling your kid about the 2 fraudulent lawsuits you’re creating against their other parent. And telling them how you’re going to hire a private investigator against the other parent. All while ignoring the child when they tell you 'Don’t talk to me about -other parent- you’re making me uncomfortable.'"
Fluffy-kitten28
That's Funny?
"Filming your child trying to mock them only because 'it's funny' when it's clearly uncomfortable for them, and then post the video on the internet."
arrastre
"I was an assistant manager at Spirit Halloween a couple of years ago and there was a couple there who filmed their clearly terrified young child screaming and crying at the animatronics, and they laughed. It hurt my heart."
carlykerfuffle
"Those videos of kids happily sitting down to blow out birthday candles, and then a pr*ck slams their face in the cake. WTF."
jpr_jpr
Bye Bye Bye
Sport Soccer GIF by Real MadridGiphy"If their kids are older, and want nothing to do with them."
spicy-bae
"Mom screams at me to move out and never talk to her again if she is such a bad mother. I move out and never talk to her again. Surprised Pikachu face."
No_Scale7584
No communication between adult kids and parents, speaks volumes.
Listen Again
No Way Wtf GIF by HarlemGiphy"Defending every action/behavior of your kid without hearing the other party's side. It's obviously natural and important to listen to your child, but you should not be disregarding the fact that your kid can make mistakes and is not perfect."
LeonLunaLola
"Or, for that matter, believing every story you hear about your child, no matter how outlandish it may be."
notthesedays
It's YOU
"When you use your kids as emotional support figures or use them to cover your own irresponsibility. You had a 20-year head-start on your kid, yet they're already more responsible and mature."
Osteo-Malaka-cia
"I just got the image of my dad in my head while reading this. No wonder why I don't pick up that f**ker's phone call. It's unbelievable how someone over 50 y/o can have the financial responsibility of an 8-year-old in a candy shop."
Zahard_Zj
Rude
"Trying to gossip with one of your children about the other one."
LennaPine
"My mother did this with all of her children - me, my sister, and our two older half-brothers from my mom's prior marriages. Before I cut contact with her, she'd call me and would bash my sister for 15-20 minutes."
"Or she'd talk sh*t about one of my older brothers and their wives/children. My sister would mention to me how our mom talked sh*t about me while on a call, etc."
"It's because of that; none of us siblings really communicate with or trust each other. We either fully cut contact with our mom or severely minimized contact."
shaoting
Are You Serious?
"An idiotic name (circa AITA Krxtxl) or anything similar. Any parent I’ve ever seen who does this crap treats their kid like an accessory. iPad/phone parents. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against screen time but there has to be some boundary) I had a child in my last preschool class who literally ONLY spoke in YouTube quotes or video intro styles."
"I had to have him at age 4 permanently removed from my class for hockey fighting a kid and screaming 'It’s a prank f***er.' So yeah... there’s been a lot of varying degrees of screen obsession but that was one of the worst. That and the kid who hit my co-teacher in the face with a poop-filled hand for putting the iPads away for lunchtime."
Sea-Butterscotch383
No Excuses
No Way Smh GIF by Amazon Prime VideoGiphy"Parents not punishing their kids. All kids are different and some things might not work but if your child is actively disrespecting a teacher or physically hurting another person and your first thing is to make an excuse."
nope123ee
Parenting ain't easy.
No one said it was gonna be.
And sounds like some of us may need to rethink doing it.
My list is too long to even try to narrow down. I'm just going to say that most of our political officials, on all sides, need a muzzle, a sedative, and a new career path. Start there...
Divorce Time
Real Housewives Goodbye GIFGiphy"Oh man I often think about the guy asking if he's an ahole for asking his pregnant wife to wear a diaper at night because she was disturbing his sleep whenever she got up to pee." ~ Morrigans
Psycho!
"I remember a girl in her late teens who thought her older sibling was faking their child's food allergy so she tried to catch her by not telling them about the ingredients before serving them a dish. Someone else had it first and recognized the ingredient and stopped the kid from eating it in time and called her out. She then tried to play it off saying her sibling was a drama queen and she was trying to trap her. Reddit tore into her, of course, since the child could've... well, died." ~ SylancerPrime
Glassware
"The guy who moved into his younger girlfriend's apartment, and threw away her fancy drinking jars that she loved from their shelf because they bothered him and he wanted her to just drink from normal cups. I think about this entitled jerk a lot. ~ SelfDiagnosedUnicorn
"get over it"
"Girlfriend of a widowed father of two, she moved in to his place. He was still struggling with letting go of his late wife. So the gf in her eternal wisdom decided to throw away all family pictures of his late wife one day when the dad was away because she felt it was time for him to "get over it". He did not get those pictures back, they were legit gone forever. When she posted this on AITA but didn't get the validation she wanted she just doubled-down instead." ~ YoungDiscord
Thief!
Angry Season 9 GIF by ShamelessGiphy"The girl who found a lost dog after someones house was destroyed then refused to give it back because they had "bonded." ~ dawsonsmythe
I dare you to try and keep any of my animals. What kind of lunatic does that?
"emotional support"
Steve Harvey Reaction GIF by Super DeluxeGiphy"The guy who was mad his GWB wouldn't give 10k usd because he provided her with "emotional support" by listening to her rant about her ex a couple of times." ~ Hopelessyhopeful
Vile
"The OP deleted it so I can't link. OP was the wife of a man whose first wife died. OP was jealous of wife #1 and destroyed all the photos and knick knacks from the first wife, including deleting all the digital photos. She burned everything physical. Her husband packed up his teenage daughter and left her. It was 3 or so years ago and I still feel rage thinking about that vile OP. I hope her husband divorced her. It's the least she deserved." ~ fluidentity
Cinderella
"OP wasn't the a**hole in this one, but her son was. Basically she found out that her son was using her daughter-in-law as a stay at home maid. They had two kids, I wanna say, and DIL did EVERYTHING - cooking, cleaning, childcare, EVERYTHING. OP gave DIL some money for a girls' weekend and her son forced her to cancel it because he wanted to go out with his friends that weekend, leaving her to watch the children."
"DIL called OP in tears and OP loses it - tells her to drop the kids at her house and go take her weekend. OP takes the kids to her sister's (with DIL's permission) and goes to the bar where her son is and tears him a new one to the point she gets kicked out of the bar. First thing she does after that is call her other two DILs up to make sure her other son's aren't pieces of crap." ~ SpidersMcGee
People Share Their Scariest 'We Need To Leave Right Now' Experiences
People Share Their Scariest 'We Need To Leave Right Now' Experiences
Reddit users talk about those moments where they knew they needed to nope out of a situation immediately.Awful Dad
"'ll never forget the one guy. He'd just turned 18 and was getting ready for college when his dad walked in, said "your mom cheated on me. I'm not your real dad. I'm not paying for your college. Move out after you graduate high school."
"The dad had known for the son's entire life but didn't say anything until that moment because he thought it was the mom's job to do it. And the kid assumed his family would pay for his college like they did with the others so he didn't save any money or look for scholarships." ~ justking1414
Call John
John Cena Mind Blown GIFGiphy"The kid that ruined his little brother's signed John Cena poster. The little brother had gotten it signed when he met John Cena during a Make-A-Wish event that was held for him." ~ nsa_k
You'e No Father!
"The husband who missed his child's birth for a sports game, then lied to his parents with a big dramatic sob story about how he'd actually been there and it was so hard and stressful. Then he got mad when his wife called him out on lying. You know you're an a**hole when your own mother tears you a new one for what you did."
"https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheA**hole/comments/pqar3f/aita_for_telling_my_inlaws_exactly_where_my/"
"Also, I wouldn't say the biggest as**hole in the grand scheme of AITA, but I feel like Iranian Yogurt Guy deserves a shout-out as one of the most memorable AHs:
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheA**hole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/" ~ crockofpot
Not so Merry
"I'm surprised I haven't seen someone post about the woman who made her mixed race step daughter sit out of their family Christmas pictures because her parents are racist and it might make them uncomfortable." ~ klr8593
"Yeah! She didn't even like her parents anyway and basically the only contact was through Christmas cards! So like just don't send them the card! Or send them the card and make sure to block them on anything. Don't hurt the kid because people you don't even talk to are racist!" ~ Pokabrows
That's Just Morbid
"The one where a pregnant woman posted about her partner and his family were pretty much planning for her to die in childbirth. I don't know if there was ever an update from her but it was quite worrying." ~ Alisaurusrex82
"I remember that one. Wasn't that because the husband's mom died in child birth and the FIL had taken on both parental roles and wanted his son to do the same? Like I totally understand having a contingency plan since childbirth is dangerous but holy crap, it was like they wanted her to die." ~ AlexGarrido
'because she likes it'
Steve Brule GIF by MOODMANGiphy"The one with the guy whose daughter was super depressed, he got her therapy and she made some improvements, but then asked if he'd be the ahole if he canceled her therapy 'because she likes it' and her grades hadn't yet improved." ~ FoxesStoleMyGloves
A "her" thing?
"The woman whose boyfriend (husband?) declined to pay for any medical care or baby costs while she was pregnant with his child because they kept their finances separate and that was a "her" thing. If I recall correctly, she was making barely minimum wage while he made six figures and he told her to go to a food bank." ~ maddallena
Dirtbag!
"The guy who blamed his recently diagnosed with cancer wife for not having kids earlier. To top it off he was so disgusted and disappointed with her that he went a booked a hotel room for himself just after she had gotten diagnosed, leaving her with her family." ~ art_mor_
No Karen!
"The woman who stole her dying son's wish (make a wish foundation) to get a vacations instead of letting the kid meet his favorite band because that way she would "remember for the rest of her life because raising a kid with cancer was so stressful." ~ franska5
"I used to do some work with MAW when I was a corporate travel agent, and this kind of behavior was not rare. No, Karen, I don't believe your 7-year-old son gives a crap about staying in a resort that has the best spa facilities." ~ dynamiterolll
Greedy
"The one where a piece of crap dad got his daughter scratch cards for her birthday and when she actually won a lot of money from the card, he just confiscated the money for himself. That was the post that made me realize that sub just wasn't good for my health. I already have high blood pressure. And, to my credit, I've never gone back." ~ I_Consume_Shampoo
but the lighting is just right...
French Reaction GIF by Rodney DangerfieldGiphy"The woman who 'borrowed the ambience' of a poorer little girl's birthday party to give her child a Nintendo switch right before the other girl opened her presents because she didn't like the other mom. I still shake my head thinking about it." ~ gimmetheloot2p2
That little kid is a psycho in training. Those parents need to sleep with BOTH eyes open. I hope John Cena sent another poster.
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"Not Me"
Kids are not for everybody, especially me. I have little patience and I'm selfish... but all in good ways. ; Just not in the ways that best rear a child. I love kids from afar. And giving them back to their parents after hanging out for a bit is the greatest feeling of all. It's too bad that the people on this thread realized that far too late.
Not the Plan
I girl I worked with had a five year plan. Get a designer man, have a massive wedding, travel to fancy hotels and have a baby. She managed it all except the baby.
Two years of IVF later and still no baby.
After a long adoption process they get a 6 month old. Three months later they give him back and divorced.
She realised that she had only wanted a baby because that what people did and that meant she was successful! She had never thought about what having a baby meant and what it would do to her 'perfect' life.
The husband couldn't live with what she had decided so left. At least the baby went to a couple who did want him eventually, instead of staying with her.
the law smh GIF by PoweradeGiphyThanks Bro...
I have custody of my brother's kids. I didn't want them. I already have one of my own. My brother's kids are not as well behaved as my children. It is very frustrating. I love them. I will protect them and take care of them. I find myself very upset by the fact that I just can't seem to love them as much as my children. It's depressing. I hate myself because I feel this way. I wish it was just my children a lot of the times.
My brother's kids put a strain on my marital relationship, because they act out so much. My brother is homeless and addicted to drugs, with really no hope of him getting better. Heroin sucks. I just wish it would go back to a family of three. 7 is just too much for most things. Want a regular sized vehicle with smaller monthly payments and lower insurance? Nope, gotta have something that seats 7 or more. Holidays? Gotta plan on a family size of 7 instead of three. It's frustrating.
I try so hard to not let my nieces and nephews see that I struggle with this. But kids are smart and I know they pick up on this. I hate that I can't just be happy with this. At least for their sake. Can't talk to family about it. I'm this hero who took the kids so they wouldn't end up in foster care or group homes. But I'm really not a hero. I stepped up because no one else would, but I don't think I'm cut out for it.
The Nanny
I was a nanny for a lady who really didn't want children but needed up having 5 because she loved her husband. Each of her pregnancies her medical condition got worse, with her youngest she had to be in the hospital for two months because she had so many kidney stones. Part of her condition is she produces kidney stones at a crazy rate, and they are rare stones that have a hook on them. Her kidneys are also more like a sponge looking organ than kidney, that aren't functioning over 25%. She would give her life for those kids even though she never wanted them.
Crappy part, when the youngest was 2, her health was declining a lot. And her husband, left her for a chick he just met because, and I quote "I'm sick of you being sick." I miss those kids so much and I miss her. She got full custody and has even better insurance now that her ex left her. And he pays huge in child support and alimony every month.
Goals...
I don't know if I fall into that category, but sometimes I feel like I do. I love my kids, and I'm told I'm a pretty good dad, and sometimes I enjoy it... but most of the time it's just draining. I explain it as being like an introvert at a party full of strangers — it's not that caring for kids is painful or whatnot, just like talking to strangers isn't painful. It's just draining. It sucks the energy out of you, whether you're good at it or not.
At a party, my goal is that the people I talk with feel heard and cared about and have fun, and that no one knows I'm secretly watching the clock waiting to leave — and with kids my goal is that they're happy and engaged and feel loved and wanted and cared for, and don't think I'm counting the seconds to bedtime. But accomplishing that drains me.
I understand that there are people out there who enjoy spending time with kids, just like there are people who enjoy talking to strangers — and suffice it to say I'm just not one of them.
So I guess I want my kids, but what I really want is for my kids to magically be old enough that they're no longer draining, and for me to get my life back a little. I mean, I love them and I want them to be happy and if anyone ever tried to take them from me I would go to hell and back to prevent it.
But when was the last time I took a bike ride? When was the last time I looked forward to the weekend rather than seeing it as an exhausting slog? When was the last time I went into Monday a little rested, rather than just beaten down and exhausted? And, as importantly, when's the next time I'll get to do so? Five years from now? Ten? Will I be young enough to even enjoy it?
So, I don't know if I'm in this category — probably not. But I definitely do feel that way a lot more than I'd like.
20/20
It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.
"Scars"
Oof those are tough tales. I pray that everyone who has been affected by these kinds of abandonment can find the mental help necessary. Children need structure and love so that they can feel safe. If you know in your heart you can step up for all of that, then just say it.
The Favorite
I was conceived to replace a baby boy that died. My mom was so disappointed I was a girl, she forgot my name for a while, and now I have 2 middle names. I had a brother growing up who was favored by both my parents, but he really was amazing. He was my favorite too. He died 5 years ago in a motorcycle wreck, and I'm the least favorite (my mom admitted this freely), also I am the last remaining child. *** Also, I don't care that my parents are disappointed that I was the one that survived.
I've made myself who I want to be. I only talk to my dad occasionally, and my mom became an alcoholic, because 2 of her kids died. I don't talk to her. Shrug. My life is separated from theirs, and I encourage other people to cut off the cancerous people, even if it's your parents. It's liberating.
MS
I know someone who was diagnosed with MS and had 5 kids because each pregnancy her MS got better. She was a terrible mother. No involvement with her kids. Imagine growing up and at some point you figure out you were a medical treatment your mother was using to not have MS episodes.
8 of 9...
I grew up #8 of 9 kids, my oldest sister was responsible for raising each and every one of us, to this day she resents our mom for stealing her childhood. My sister has told us stories where as newborns we'd cry and my mom refused to get up and get us, she waited until my sister who was a full time student, to get up and take care of us while my mom just continued to lay in bed.
My mom knew she could continue to collect welfare as long as she had children in the house so she prolonged her welfare dependence by having so many children.
What A Woman Wants
I think this is a conversation that more women (especially), should have. You are close to being burnt at the stake if you confess that actually if you could turn back the clock, you wouldn't have children. I feel that these conversations may stop perpetuating this idea that 1) if you're a woman you will automatically adore your children 2) you have more options than just having children. Women do also go through things such at PND, and maybe others talking about it won't make them feel so guilty and alienated.
Checkout Time
Its like having some guests at your house that never never get around to leave for years, but you must take care of them to avoid getting into trouble and judged by others.
Honesty First
I had genetic testing done during very early pregnancy to screen for congenital problems and mentioned I would abort if they were present. I had friends severely upset with me about this. I know I couldn't handle a disabled child financially or emotionally, I had to be honest with myself.
Who is that Guy?
I remember having to stop at my dad's work, the receptionist leading me back to his office, and her gushing about what a great guy he is and what a diligent worker to put in so much overtime. Just listening to this woman fail to realize she was describing an absent father, and a mean one at that.
Peer Pressure
This question makes me think of the guy who posted about having pressured his ex into having the baby when she found out she was pregnant. She agreed but only if she could give up all parental rights and (at time of posting) pays more than the required child support. He wanted to know if there was any way he could legally oblige her to take care of the child.
Like, this lady got pregnant, didn't want to have a child, and agreed to carry the pregnancy to term only if she had nothing to do with the baby besides paying child support.
Buuuuuut 1.5 years later the guy realized being a single father was hard and wanted to know if he had any way to legally force the bio mom to physically help raising their son.
I don't remember where I saw the post, might have been r/legaladvice
Empty Feelings
I have spoken with a woman who feels nothing towards her kids. She had them because that is what the church requires and her husband wants them. But I don't think it's just the kids.
Even though she says she loves her husband I don't think that's what she feels for him. She was picked on severely growing up and he is really good to her. I think it's "thankfulness " that she feels and confuses it with love.
Anyways she knows that it's wrong (her words) to not love her kids and decided to view parenting as a project with the best possible outcome is have her children grow into healthy, happy and well adjusted adults.
She did clarify that she doesn't hate them or resent them. After all they were part of her life plan. So she made up a way following all the best parenting advice and making sure she follows through. For example, keeps track of how often she cuddles them (by minutes noted in her journal) and if she notices that she hasn't been doing it a lot she tries to correct it.
She also leaves discipline up to her husband because she doesn't want them to associate any negative feelings towards her.
She knows they'll eventually be able to recognize her lack of feelings towards them and will think her discipline came from a bad place.
From what she told me she has never explained any of this to her husband and he has no clue how she feels.
This conversation lasted about 4 hours and was the moment I realized that you can CHOOSE to be a good parent or a bad one. Regardless of how you feel it's never the child's fault and an adult is responsible for making up for what they lack.
The 3
I have three (a girl and twin boys). I really thought I wanted kids because that's what I thought I was supposed to do... be a wife and have kids.
I love them, and I want the best for them. But I don't have the same connection to them that other moms seem to have. I don't miss them when I have to go on a long trip, I just feel relief. Having them home because of the pandemic has been really hard for me. I have a lot of guilt about it.
I don't withhold affection or anything, but I'm not a naturally affectionate person.
My husband is. I feel pretty lonely and left out when they're playing together, I feel like I don't belong. It's a weird dichotomy.
I don't really know. Even though I'm surrounded by family, it feels pretty damn lonely. I don't feel like I belong in my own life. I fantasize about taking off alone and living somewhere by myself. But I don't want to mess them up like that, they're innocent and don't deserve it. So I do my best, and hope I'll be alive in 10 years to be alone again.
The Trap
Ex girlfriend baby trapped me. She stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell me. Then cheated on me while pregnant. (She was, and still is a sh*tty person) At that point, I wanted nothing to do with her and was not prepared to be a father. I was young and dumb and still learning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.
She gave me the option to walk away and never see the kid again. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to knowing my kid was out there was going to weigh heavily on my conscience.
It was difficult at times. While my friends were studying, partying, travelling I was working and learning to be a father. I didn't want this kid but here I was and I was going to make the best of the situation.
My daughter is 13 now and I have full custody. Her mother is a piece of crap and my daughter is old enough to know the difference. She's with me now and I couldn't be happier. My daughter is a driving force in my life. I need to be responsible, I need to be accountable, I need to be financially successful. It keeps me going forward and has really made the man I am today. Having a kid when you're barely 20 has ways of making or breaking someone. My daughter was the child I didn't want but ended up being what I needed.
Point Blank
My mother point blank told us she didn't want children and my father had begged and begged her for me. Then my younger sister was an accident. It's always been an awkward, very strained and very tainted relationship. For a long time I held a ton of resentment and disgust for her. It's made me into what I consider to be a pretty great parent though- I wanted children and even knowing I'd be giving up sleep and freedoms I knew I wanted them to KNOW they were wanted, planned for, adored.
My dad remarried and adopted two children of his second wife's then they had one together, making us a family of 5. Now I get so much in way of a rich childhood for my children with all their cousins and aunt and uncles to love them. It's not always completely life ruining I suppose but it did have a profound affect on how the first half of my life went for sure, how I felt about myself.
What Could've Been
A very close friend has two children (6 and 2 1/2), but really because her husband wanted kids and she knew he'd leave her if she stood her ground on not wanting kids.
She loves her kids with all her heart, but misses the life she could've had without them. Aside from work (just started her residency) all she does is being a mom, she has little to no time for her own hobbies anymore, and misses that a lot.
I can't say if the kids notice that, at their age, but I worry they might, at some point, or that she'll one day just crack and resent either her kids or her husband for taking that childfree life from her.
A Strong Son
My ex husband was emotionally abusive and, if I'm being completely honest with myself, forced me into getting pregnant 3 months after going into labor and losing our daughter at 20 weeks.
I wasn't ready and I hadn't really had a chance to grieve - he quit his job 3 days into my required maternity leave, so I had to go back to work as soon as physically possible.
Our son was 13 weeks early, spent two months in the nicu and cost over a million dollars in his first year.
Thank goodness for good insurance! Now my son is almost 7, his "father" hasn't been in the picture for years, and until recently, I was doing it all on my own.
My son showed incredible strength to grow big enough to breath on his own and come home, so I've made it my mission to give him a great life and make sure he never knows that I didn't want to be a parent after my daughter died.
Say it out Loud
My girlfriend had a 2 year old when I met her. He's 5 now.
I didn't plan to have kids, but I love her. I'm pretty much used to it, I teach him stuff and he's attached to my hip when he's here (joint custody with the father) but ideally I'd have preferred to not have a kid around.
I can deal though. He can be a little crap-head sometimes lmao. Also it's weird disciplining someone else's kid so I'm just getting there, I can see the betrayal in his eyes, I'm supposed to be like the fun uncle, getting on to him is weird.
Never really said that out loud this is liberating.
Not Me
blackish tracee ellis ross GIF by ABC NetworkGiphyI have kids and I wanted them. But, I was an unwanted kid. My mom and non-bio dad married when I was young.
He raised me, but I never felt love from him at all. He married her to get her out of a bad situation. I thought he didn't want kids, but when I was about 5/6, my sister was born. He wanted kids. He just didn't want me. I saw how different he was with her, and his other kids they had later. Those who have kids that you don't want—they're aware on some level.
Evil
I was the literal red-headed step-child, my mother married him when I was 4 years old. I'd get hit, locked in my room, and just assumed this was normal dad stuff. My brother was born when I was 8 years old - it killed me to note the difference. My primary function became almost full time nanny for him and later my sister. I remember getting beat because I wasn't doing a good job potty training brother.
The state removed me from the home after I was almost beat to death by him. F**k that guy - he died miserably of liver cancer. My mother never left him.
Every now and then well meaning aunties tell me I'll regret not being close to my mother, and I just kind of laugh. I made myself, without her, no need to try to wedge her back into my life.
"the next kid"
I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar.
We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more.
I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another.
That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.
The Unwanteds
If you never had a mother it is very hard to be a mother. Raised by people to whom you were an unwanted burden, an imposition, the child who was always in the way - a person like that, like me, does not know how to love. You know you are supposed to - you see it on TV, in the movies, you read about it in books but somehow it never happens.
If you where born and raised in a place and time where there was no birth control, abortion was illegal, a lot of children were not wanted. And then the child became an adult who did not know how to love any thing. This is a common enough story, no one likes to hear it so it does not get told.
Years of Bologna
I can tell you what its like being the unwanted child. I went to the dentist once in my first 17 years. I had broken my nose twice and I just had to walk it off. I never saw a doctor. I would get yelled at if my shoes wore out too quick and they were Payless $19.99 shoes. As soon as was able to drive the dinner table was only set for two instead of three because I could get my own food now.
My lunch was a Bologna white bread sandwich and an apple for 10 years straight. Fast forward I moved in with my grandma, she said she would help out with college if I helped out around the house. First few months she got me in the dentist fixed all my teeth and I got some braces on. Second I was a mouth breather so I went to a plastic surgeon fixed my deviated septum right up.
She also co signed on a car loan so I could get around. She embraced every friend that came to the house while growing my up friends hid from my dad because he was so mean. My grandma noticed that I would get home and run to my room and one day she told me I don't have to hide in there I can hang out wherever I want. Thats the difference between being a burden and being wanted.
That Woman
I read this Reddit story once that I have never been able to forget. It was a confession I think- can't remember the subreddit. This woman had a kid she didn't want, I can't remember the circumstance of whether if was her's or a dead sibling's. Anyway, she talked about how she felt so guilty for not loving him that she worked extra hard to give him a good life- all her money went toward his education and things he wanted. But the part I can't forget is that she had set an alarm on her phone to go off everyday to remind her to tell him that she loved him, because it didn't come naturally to tell him that and she was afraid of him not feeling loved.
That story is an amazing reminder that love comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone. She doesn't love him, but is so worried about his well being that she goes to lengths many, many people with kids would never consider to go to to make him feel wanted and happy. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The "Good"Mom
I love my son, I would die for him, I'd kill for him if I had to.
Yet, if I could go back in time and not have children then I would. I was not prepared for a child, even though I worked, we planned this pregnancy. I was not prepared for how much I'd lose myself and my whole identity. I was not prepared for the sleep depravation, the constant screaming, the colic.
I think overall I had a very bad experience. I was very very sick after having a baby.
I will NEVER let my son know this, I will NEVER let my son feel he is unloved or unwanted. It was not his choice to be born.
EDIT: okay wow I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did. To those calling me a good mom, thank you. To those saying I'm a terrible mom well I don't care what you say lol, this is why women do not talk about this kinda stuff and suffer in silence.
To anyone really struggling and want to talk to someone who won't give judgement please dm me.
The Faker
I think my mom regrets having me. We have a weird relationship. She doesn't like me as a person and wasn't engaged with me as a child, but she did all the stuff she should do, and beyond. She just doesn't like me as a person. She's ok with my older brothers.
It's made me very convinced that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. It also makes me uneasy when parents judge other parents for not wanting their kids. There's not a good solution, but as an adult, I wish she had just raised me and not tried to fake liking me as a person through my 20s.
Performance Art
My mom was very interested in performing motherhood in front of others, and I think she liked babies being completely dependent and unable to speak. Once I got older, started becoming more independent (more than my sister) she really started to dislike me. She was interested in the idea of motherhood, but not too keen on the work of being a mom. She gets along better with my older sister, but that's not saying a lot. My mom was very parent identified, so if she could have lived with her parents forever (without social judgment) I think she would have.
Big Thanks
Seth Meyers Thank You GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphyMy husband and I just got married and I've been wavering about my childfree decision because I'm almost 30. I've been wondering whether I could tolerate a baby. This thread just reaffirmed my decision. Thank you all for being honest.
Doing my Best
I can only speak on my experience. I had got pregnant for my neglect in not taking my birth control properly. I did NOT want a child, but I could not bring myself to abort either. Family pressure, I'll just say that. When she was born, I felt like I had postpartum depression (not diagnosed medically). I didn't want to be around her, feed her, change her, be with her. But... I did it anyway. My motherly instincts kicked in and I did all I could to keep her comfy and happy.
There were many times of regret and hopelessness that this little girl had flipped my world upside down and I was very unhappy with the way my life was going because of her. Suddenly, she started talking. She soon started walking. She started eating on her own. She started dancing, singing, and playing. She went to kindergarten. She started having a sense of style. She played video games with me.
She excelled in school. She understands meme culture without me having to explain it. She's beautiful and smart and I wouldn't change her for the world. Sure, there are still selfish moments where I would like to escape and be on my own and do my own thing. But more and more, I find myself thinking, "This might be more fun if my kid was with me."
Bad Times
I am really not proud to share this, but I went through a period of bad drug addiction resulting from mental illness and an abusive relationship (with the dad) so I actually had a period of time where I didn't want my children. Not as in I didn't want them to exist, I do and always have loved them, but I didn't want them WITH me basically because I knew that I was incapable of taking care of any of us so I was constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and just wanted everything to stop.
It was the worst and most heartbreaking period of my life because they deserved so much better and I knew it but I couldn't give that to them and every time they showed me any kind of affection I just wanted to break down because I didn't feel like I deserved it and didn't really know how to react.
I'm happy to say that I am now getting my crap together and we have a good relationship (I'm extremely grateful that they're still young and have no memories of the Bad Times.) At any rate, the problem was with me, not them.
Call me selfish...
I helped raise my ex's 4 yr old until she was about 6 or 7. I never got used to it. Yes I loved her very much and would do anything for her. I just couldn't deal with the crying and lack of sleep and being disobedient. Everytime I wanted to do something like play a game, go the bathroom or have a conversation with her mom she always butted in. Also she was an only child and always wanted me to play dolls with her or something. I just couldn't handle someone needing my attention like that all the time. Call me selfish. I went from being single for years to being daddy. I just realized I cant do it.
Don't Ruin Lives!!
My sister got pregnant by a total piece of crap she knew for 3 months.
Nephew born, he split. Loves her son, but not enough to take care of him. She moved in with my parents and passed all parenting duties to them.
It's obvious she resents him. She screams at him over little things. Everyone is miserable.
At 22...
It's been a mixed bag. I had my son while I was 22, strung out, and going through a massive depression phase. I worked hard and saved money, and then my dad passed away unexpectedly a few months before my son was born. My wife and son moved into our family home, and it was functional. I hadn't stopped using, and it became the only way I could function. I used so I could work on 2-3 hours a sleep a night. Outside of working, my wife wasn't very helpful. Then she got caught smoking pot in the house, and my mom tried to have her arrested.
We were kicked out, homeless, and we lost custody of our son in under a week. We managed to pick ourselves up slightly, but I we struggled to stop using. I finally got clean, and got a divorce. I moved back home, and my son was diagnosed with Autism. I was working three jobs, and taking classes. Eventually I started using again to be able to keep up with everything.
Long story short: I'm sober and my son is in college. I'm very thankful for my mother and family for helping me out, and providing a safe environment for my son to succeed.
I don't have a very close relationship with my family or my son (their choice). I don't think I ever will. I was there during very important times in my son's development, and I tried as best as I could, but it always seemed like everytime things picked up, it always came crashing down. I never wanted to have children of my own, and don't consider myself a parent even though others tell me I am. It's a difficult thing to reconcile, and i struggle with it often.
Down the Drain
I'm an OB nurse. See it a lot. Also have a few coworkers in this situation. It's definitely hard being a spectator. One of my coworkers has a granddaughter no one wants and is two years old with ptsd due to her crappy living situation. When her 13 year old son got his girlfriend pregnant and my coworker started talking about it I naively asked/recommended abortion and now she doesn't talk to me unless I'm the only one around she can vent to. I just don't get it. This kids life is down the crapper already and she's two.
Chronic Issues...
I am an unwanted child. My parents had addiction problems to both drugs and alcohol. My mother abandoned me and my dad when I was two years old to be with her new lover. My father was in the midst of a crippling pain killer addiction. My grandparents ended up raising me and they did their absolute best, but all of their love was never able to fix the deep seated abandonment issues I was left with.
Now I am 26, married and have two children. I never wanted to have children but because of my past and wanting love more than anything, I let my now husband get me pregnant at 19 with our first, and then our son was a surprise 4 years later. I struggle with motherhood in ways that I can not articulate, but even so, I love my kids dearly.
Sometimes though, I find myself wishing they would grow up and get out. I struggle with chronic mental and physical health issues I am just now starting to get treatment for, so those things don't help. I tolerate motherhood a lot of the time, and I feel insanely guilty for never really loving actually being a mother. It is okay though, only sometimes I actually show my discontent with motherhood, so I am getting better.
Wrong
I love my son more than anything else in the world.
But he wasn't my idea.
My (now ex-) wife was dealing with mental health issues I still don't understand. It was one of the causes of intense stress in our relationship. Eventually she "decided" the "solution" was to have a child right away.
I told her we weren't ready, emotionally or financially, but I loved her so much (and still do) that I gave in. After all, I did want to be a father someday, so if starting a little too early could help bring us closer together, it would be worth it, right?
Wrong.
Now we have split custody, I'm at the lowest point in my life so far, our toddler son is struggling with the new reality of his broken family, and she's "doing great." At least that's what she says when she says anything to me at all.
I love him so much, he's the best kid in the whole world. He's the only good thing in my life. But I wonder every single day what life would be like if we had never had him.
And if I had never met her.
Whoever said "'Tis better to have loved and lost..." never met my lovely wife.
Survivor
destinys child loop GIFGiphyI am that kid that wasn't wanted, I'm old now, but it really shaped some huge insecurities in me that I have tried to figure out all my life. I made it, despite being unwanted.
Choosing Differently
Man it's not like I don't want them let's get that out of the way. Would I have chose a different woman to have children with? Yes. She has a genetic thing that means she will have disabled girls no matter what and it's a 50/50 whether a boy will be disabled. We didn't know it was her until after our 2nd child. So it goes disabled boy, disabled girl then a regular normal boy. She booted me to the curb about 2 yrs ago and I had custody of the kids within 3 months. I've had 0 help from her or any of my family or hers.
She is off on meth having a blast of a life while I spend every moment changing diapers on an 8 yr old and a 5 yr old, going to therapies and just doing what I thought any dad would do in my situation. I have moments that i hate my life yeah but those pass and then the smiles my littles give me fix it all, sorry I know it doesn't fit your question exactly but I wanted to give a happier response than some on here have.
"ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved"
When my daughter was a year and a half old I unexpectedly got pregnant a second time (it was unexpected because I have pretty substantial infertility issues). I was not ready. I was exhausted as hell from my daughter being a typical toddler and a dog we rescued that needed constant emotional coddling. And hindsight makes it easier to see my depression was wildly out of control but I didn't realize it because my panic attacks were not. I would lay awake at night, in pain, wanting to vomit from heartburn, exhausted because my daughter decided sleeping through the night was no longer a thing and would think "ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved" and other things along those lines.
And this went on for the whole pregnancy... right up until 32 weeks when I went into labor... and my son was dead. Gone for at least three days before I went into labor. Despite all the expected mental anguish and trauma, for just one single moment when we were driving home with empty arms and an empty car seat, I felt relieved. I have yet to forgive myself for that.
My Girl
My ex heard I was thinking of breaking up with her. 21 year old me was too stupid to realize that the condoms didn't just vanish all on their own and that the "it's totally fine bc I'm on birth control" story was a lie. She wasn't on birth control and had been telling people that she was gonna keep me no matter what she had to do.
Well, it worked for a while. I wasn't ready to have kids but I did want them eventually. I tried to do the right thing and married her and made it work for four years. Eventually the crazy witch decided that meth and lunacy was more important than her family so long story short, since my daughter was four it has just been the two of us.
I wish I could have avoided all the drama and pain that woman caused but to be 100% honest it's kinda worth it bc being a dad is the best. My daughter is 12 now and going into the teen years as a single dad is terrifying but i think it's gonna be alright. I'm glad I have her in my life even if I wasn't ready and had to deal with an abusive psycho to get her.
Know Your Limits
I'm not seeing a lot of first hand responses, so I'll jump on the grenade.
I have two sons who (despite loving them very much and wanting the best for them) my life would be much better if I hadn't had them. My whole life growing up I expressed doubts that I wanted kids, because kids freak me out. Everyone always said that it would be different when it's your own kids.
I'm sure for some people it is, but for me it's not.
I think I have some kind of phobia of kids. I'm on the autism spectrum (as is my oldest son), and I hate that I helped bring two people into this world that I can't be there for. I wanted to be a good father, and all things considered I'm still not terrible, but I don't enjoy time with my kids the way I should.
My wife and I separated when our boys were still young due to other issues in our relationship, she has since remarried to a great guy who is wonderful with our boys. She moved about 5 hours away but I still visit them on big holidays and their birthdays. I pay my child support without fuss. I'm happy knowing my boys are happy, but it's a weight taken off my shoulders that I'm not having to care for them, because I just can't.
If there was a moral to this story I would say that if you think you might not be able to handle kids it's perfectly okay to not have them. But make sure that's known early in the relationship. Don't expect your partner to change because they'll be expecting you to change as well, and one if not both of you will end up unhappy. The bonus moral is never trust someone who wants to use the rhythm method of birth control.
Silence the Bullies
I was made to feel that having children was my only use and that stuck with me hard. I have two kids and the last one was with my husband. He made me feel that way too and I got my tubes tied. I could scream at the freedom that my body is mine to do with as I please and everyone could go take a jump. Forget my family and that ex for gaslighting me and making me feel that because I was pregnant I had to keep them and forget me if I needed support. I used to scream and cry whenever I drove because I was stuck in a hole and no one would help me.
I overheard my mom talking to my sister through a cracked door that I was a witch because I was pregnant. I had to suffer mental abuse from parents who could hardly be brought to show their love. I talked to my husband about this a couple years later and he apologized and said he is ashamed for his part. My kids are 2 and 4 and I treat and teach them the best I can. You could say I spoil them but I call it love. I always keep in mind that I am better than my family, "shame on my parents for who I am, shame on me if I stay that way."
A quote from my corrections professor that I always remember.
Do I want kids... F**K NO but I have them and I'm going to do my best and be there for them. Forget people that bully you mentally, emotionally, and physically into doing their choices when it's your body.
Thats my burning rant about that.
Too Much Thinking
I was a planned, wanted child, and I have had a (mostly) happy life with parents who love me and who I love. But when talking about abortion with my mum, she said that if she'd known how badly I would suffer (I have fairly hefty depression), she wouldn't have had me. That was a hell of a thing to process.
The Lottery
Very few are answering the question, they are explaining what the feel like to be unloved or unwanted, some even describing what it's like if they never had kids. The question is "what's it like to have kids you don't want?"
The really grasp this concept, you need to understand it's not a sudden thing, it's a slow process; very very slow.
What you need to do, is before each Powerball drawing, go and buy a lottery ticket... then daydream about what your life would be like if you won. Every week, never be without a lottery ticket, and forever daydreaming about what you could be doing vs what you actually are doing.
It's mentally draining...
Another way to think of it is to get involved with a hobby you aren't interested in and don't want to do, but keep spending money on it and keep doing it. Then imagine what you would like to be doing instead, but keep doing the hobby you aren't interested in doing.
Born of Need
I myself don't have an experience with such things but in my country Hungary we have a "family helping program" kinda thing (if there are any Hungarians here could you please find a reasonable translation for "családi pótlék"?) which means that if you have 3 kids you get 10 million forints (roughly $30.000) which leads to a lot of children being born out of need instead of love which is a big problem considering the financial status of over 2/3 of the country.
The Other Life
I accidentally got pregnant when I was 24 because I didn't take my birth control correctly. (I gave her to a loving couple, and last I knew she was doing great) That pregnancy was honestly one of the worst things I've put myself through, and every now and then I wonder what things would be like if I had either not gotten pregnant, or had an abortion.
Use Control
think winnie the pooh GIFGiphyBeing an unloved child is the greatest pain and destructive force a human being can endure. If you don't want a child use birth control. If you get pregnant anyway give the child up to an adoptive parent who wants a child to love.
There is no shame in not wanting to be a parent. There are other important things to be in life. I've seen the damage firsthand in my family. When a person is unwanted they know it. They just don't understand why, and that kind of internalized pain, can ruin lives.
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