"I can fix them."
That is one of life's most dangerous sentences.
Love is going to turn out how it turns out.
We can help a significant other.
We can support them.
We can even guide them through the journey.
But fixing someone is not an option.
You can only fix oneself.
Plus, why would you want to fix someone?
Shouldn't we be interested in one another as we are?
Fixing someone implies that they're broken in a way you don't approve of.
That's not a great way to nurture love.
Redditor rest_in_war wanted to hear from the ladies out there about the guys they tried to change, so they asked:
"Women who said 'I can fix him,' what happened?"
If they need fixing, send them to a mechanic. (Therapist)
But don't wait around for the bill.
Moving On
Seth Meyers Lol GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers
Giphy
"With his newfound self-esteem, he left me for someone better."
CertainProgram8782
Over & Over
"Well, I failed at fixing him but learned a lot about myself in the process. I have no hate for him- if anything I hope every day he does the work to fix himself because I saw the potential and I did care for him once. I hate to think that he’ll just continue life repeating the same patterns over and over."
"I can say for myself, yes there was some damage done for sure! But I’ve never been the type to linger in my hurt. So, I learned a lot about myself, good and bad, and I’ve chosen to let the hurt go that he caused me and work on me. It’s been rocky here and there if I’m being honest- but if I could put that much effort and time into trying to fix someone else, why would I not do the same for myself?!?"
oreosaregarbage
Worse by the Day
"I didn't and he got crazier. No idea what has happened to him now and I don't care."
Comfortable-Ear-9186
Utterly Broken
"Well, my grandma said 'I can fix him,' ended up pregnant and alone. My mother never had a relationship with her biological dad (luckily my grandma met my grandad who then raised my mom). My mom said 'I can fix him,' and ended up alone with a baby. Was a single mom for 15 years. Luckily she's now married to my stepdad who's a great man."
"I said 'I can fix him' and tried my best and wasted 4 years of my youth. LUCKILY I didn't have kids with him, but he wanted to. I came out the other side utterly broken and it took quite a few years to repair myself. My self-confidence is still nonexistent, even though I've been married to a great man for 15 years."
"So, one word of advice; don't."
NamillaDK
Poison Spreads
"Ended up broken too."
ramonapap1
"Reminds me of that tweet that goes something like, 'I convinced my therapist to confront her husband about not liking her tweets. She may not be able to fix me, but at least I can make us both worse.'"
RilohKeen
A plan like this can only lead to self-harm.
We deserve more.
For the Better
Valentines Day Love GIF by Boomerang Official
Giphy
"I was the one who was fixed. My husband helped me work through my trauma and got me into therapy after we got married. I learned to take accountability for my actions and became much more honest with him. when we got together, I was absolutely aimless, but now I have a genuine plan for my future and I'm so excited to work hard with him in creating a comfortable and happy life together.
"I have always wanted to change for the better and wanted more for my life but he was certainly the push I needed to get there. He's been such a fantastic influence on me and I can never thank him enough for being my rock; I can only hope to repay him for everything he's done for me."
jwannnnn
Clean it Up
"I actually did 'fix him' while we were together- cleaned up (haircuts and regular shaving, clothes that actually fit, etc) and got him a job. The week after I helped him get his own apartment he cheated on me. He almost immediately reverted to how he was before, last I saw he was back to baggy pants and homeless man hair/facial hair. Lost his job and apartment and the girl left him... lol."
Interesting_Worth570
Closed Off
"Well, I am completely emotionally unavailable, and I no longer wish to give people my heart like that again."
NocturnalNess
"I know how you feel because I’ve been in that boat before. Please, when the right person comes along, do not be afraid to open up again. Those scars will ruin future relationships if you don’t let them heal. And all that’s obviously to say is let yourself be ready and don’t rush it. It gets better."
Merkaba_987
Back to my country...
"I was the one who was fixed."
"I met an exchange student when I was 19, and dropped out of college (was failing anyway) to follow her to her country. After about a year there, I was so head over heels in love I was sure I’d marry her. There was no way I was going to be a good husband with no job prospects, not knowing her language, etc."
"I went back to my country to get a menial job in a factory, get myself back into school, study her language, make something of myself. Whereas I was failing out of college when I left, I ended up getting a 4.0 when I went back."
"She flew to see me a few times and the last time broke up with me. I was devastated. But the fire had already been lit and I feel I’ve been quite successful in life over the last 25 years, and I am so thankful for her influence."
ThicccNhatHanh
Getting Wild
Lets Go Reaction GIF by Mason Ramsey
Giphy
"He left me because the grass was greener. I built him up so much that he was sure he could do better and go out to 'sow his wild oats.' 10 years later and he's close to 40 still living at home and hasn't had a girlfriend since."
happyele
What have we learned?
We can only fix ourselves.
And it's ok that love doesn't always conquer all.
A deleted Redditor wanted everyone to share about the times we've been left red in the face, so they asked:
"What is the most embarrassing thing you've ever said to someone you were trying to impress?"
I once fell off of a treadmill trying to flirt with my high school crush.
I was running way too fast to show my "stamina."
I destroyed my Discman and my dignity.
Oh My
Licking Ice Cream GIF by MLB NetworkGiphy"Crush in High School worked at an ice cream store. When she asked for toppings I said 'I’ll have Reese’s penises please.' The store laughed."
WhaleyWino235
Tom Morello's Hometown
"I worked at the local guitar shop in town in high school. It happens to be Tom Morello's hometown (of rage against the machine fame). The owner used to babysit him when Tom was little and he'd always stop by to say hi when they were in town on tour. This was around the time of the evil empire and they were at peak popularity."
"He came in one day while I was there and asked if John was in. 16-year-old me just looked at him and asked 'Do you know who you are?!?!' He just laughed and said yes. Humiliated I went and got the owner and then tried to hide and die from shame."
matthewmichael
Echoes
"I was around 15, going through the receiving line at my cousin's wedding. This was my first 'grown-up' wedding and I wanted to act it. As I hugged my cousin I blurted out 'I'm so excited to be here! The last wedding I was at was your first one!'"
"That has echoed in my head for 30 years."
"E: This was my cousin's second wedding. The groom's first."
LGBecca
No Tip
"A server trying to get a tip: I went to clear a shared dessert dish from a table of 4 - mom, dad, and 2 sons. One son jokingly pointed at his mom and said 'She ate most of it.' I, the braindead server who was/is terrible at banter, but trying to get a tip said the first reply that came to mind: 'I can tell.' No idea why. Terrible reaction, as expected. No tip."
1nd1anaCroft
Snap
Buffering Back To School GIF by Rodney DangerfieldGiphy"I can do a Kickflip, then proceed to elegantly snap my ankle."
Mrlightyboy
Why do we risk our lives?
Have we really lost the ability for a simple flirt?
Where?
The Beautiful Game Thumbs Up GIF by World CupGiphy"I did once (truthfully) tell a girl from Austria that I didn't know what the capital of Austria was - which wouldn't be too embarrassing, except that I was wearing a t-shirt which said 'Vienna Rocks' on it at the time. She thought I was joking."
Ok-Fudge8848
The Red Lights
"I told everyone I knew about my plan to go on a trip to Europe. I had planned to tour different countries by train with a special visit to… Amsterdam. My intention was to visit a marijuana cafe, but in my ignorance, I thought that these were all located in the red lights district. I would tell people I was going to the red light district and they would understandably pause and ask me… why?"
"Trying to be sly I would say something like 'to do what the locals do of course,' believing that this meant smoking marijuana in a cafe… I was actually telling everyone I knew, friends, teachers, relatives, coworkers, that I was going to cross the Atlantic so I could hire a sex worker."
Virtual-Elderberry31
How Far You'll Go
"Was on an airplane years ago with my girlfriend and her parents. My girlfriend couldn't get a seat next to me and sat directly behind me. During the flight, I thought I would surprise her and reached my hand back onto her knee. Slowly I kept extending it up her thigh until I heard giggling."
"Looked behind through the seats and saw that my hand was on the leg of the guy next to her. He saw my face and said, 'I just wanted to see how far you'd go.' Of course, my girlfriend was in on it and started laughing along with the rest of the row. Was so embarrassed."
Ladon1949
Not Cool
"I was skating at a school and my girlfriend calls me and says she wants to hang out. Tell her I'm skating but she can meet me at the school and we can figure out what we're doing from there. She shows up looking cute AF, so clearly I need to impress her. There was a little two stair where she was waiting for me and I went to do a BS 180 down it. Instead of just landing normally, I thought I would look more bada** if I stomped the landing."
"As I landed my lead foot came off the board and I landed with all of my weight on that ankle... Immediate excruciating pain ensued and I'm on the ground rolling in pain. My sad attempt to look cool skating had turned into one of the worst injuries I received and an extremely embarrassing moment. The pain was so bad I could barely drive my car back home because I severely injured my right ankle."
"Didn't break my ankle but I did have a severe ankle sprain. I've had surgery on it and it's much better, but it just has never been quite the same. As far as the girlfriend goes, we're still together and have been married for 10 years."
DJAXL
Listen Again
Go Away Beyonce GIFGiphy"I told a musician I like that I liked a specific song. It was not his song."
Naca-7
We are so silly.
Why can't we just say 'Hey' and get on with it?
Such drama.
Redditor Celestialsmoothie28 wanted to discuss why many of us don't want to bring a new generation into the world, so they asked:
"People who don't want kids, why?"
I will never have kids. You're all welcome.
Who Cares?
Season 4 No GIF by The OfficeGiphy"Why would I want kids? Personally, I can’t think of a single compelling reason to have them. Kids deserve a parent who wants them, not someone who just tolerates them."
Worried-Medicine-664
“test out”
"Kids are a lifelong commitment to raise and care for another human, and I don’t think I’m capable of handling that. I like kids, but I don’t think I could raise one well, so I’m not going to try."
boymanpal
"Agreed. Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child. For those who think 'if you never try you never know”' are just plain selfish. So you’re gonna bring a kid to this world just to 'test out' if you can be a good parent?"
"You should know yourself better than anyone beforehand, whether you can be a good parent. I certainly not gonna use a person’s life for my own amusement since I know I wouldn’t be able to give the best to the child."
pronocturnalfreak
Learn Sooner
"I grew up with a brother 10 years younger than i am. Went from changing his diapers to teaching him how to mod Minecraft."
"Left to go to college. I call him nearly every night, and we still watch anime an play video games together through discord calls."
"I already had my kid. He's called my little brother. Just wish I understood my family's financial situation sooner."
oxidezblood
Be Prepared
be prepared the lion king GIFGiphy"As a parent, I always tell people that wanting the responsibility is the most important part. My baby daddy and I separated, but we co-parent so well, people are always shocked. We work together well because we both know we planned to have a child and raise her together, despite the status of our personal relationship."
kailsbabbydaddy
The responsibility! The biggest lesson of all.
My Life... My Rules
freedom GIFGiphy"I enjoy freedom, I enjoy my relationship exactly as it is, I have a major fear of being pregnant, I like having money. Oh and I don’t like babies or kids. The reasons are endless."
Feeling_Ad_2354
Issues of a Saint
"I struggle with anxiety and anger issues and I wouldn’t want to pass that on to my child or have them have to grow up dealing with my anxieties and anger episodes. I just couldn’t do it and it wouldn’t be fair to them. Plus it’s real expensive. I’d rather have a life of peace and quiet and travel to figure myself out. To the moms: you guys are tough saints."
shoppingforthemoon
Stability Fail
"I have back and hip issues that would have made carrying a child (and then also literally carrying a child) difficult. I like my free time and expendable income. I didn't feel like I was in a stable enough place financially, wasn't with the right partner at the right time, never had baby fever."
"I look around at the world, and have no desire to bring another life into this s**t show."
wirwarennamenlos
Today's Drama
"In this economy?"
besameput0
"I'd also like to add. Into this world? Our age pyramid is upside down. Only way to fix to is either by overpopulation, or bracing for difficult times for a while until it fixes itself."
"It isn't like I dislike children, at work I love to take care of them. But I don't have the heart to bring in any more. Otherwise, if my life situation would be better, I would totally love to foster or adopt. There are so many children who don't get parents."
Valtremors
Just... WHY?!
Why Me Crying GIF by Team CocoGiphy"Why would I want one? I get that it is the social default, but in a vacuum it sounds terrible. I barely feel like I have my sh*t together, and I never feel like I have enough time to do the things I want to do."
"Why would I want to give up on my free time entirely to raise a kid? Children are fine in small doses, but they are exhausting, stressful and the benefits seem minimal. I guess the biological drive skipped me."
notaninjashhhhh
Not everybody is meant to be a parent.
Know your truth.
Redditor Pale_Armadillo_254 wanted to hear about the downsides of being men, they asked:
"Men of Reddit, What's the one thing you hate about being a man?"
I hate having to always be chivalrous.
Like... open the door for me sometime.
Not Now
Linda Lavin Men GIF by CBSGiphy"Sometimes my penis just won't listen to me."
Enderman958
"My boyfriend every time I cry about something."
virtualspecter
Smooth Surface
"Baldness. I miss having hair to run my fingers through. In my teen years I grew it out because I knew I wouldn't have it for the rest of my life. I miss playing with it, I miss the warmth, and the cooling (short hair actually acts as cooling fins compared to being bald and sweat just pouring off)."
"I miss the sense of it being blown in the wind, I miss the slight protection against bumps and scrapes (cabinets are the bane of my existence). When I had a girlfriend, one of the nice things she would do would be to drape her hair over my head so I could reimagine having hair."
Ok-disaster2022
Dumbfounded...
"Being completely invisible. It can be an advantage. When I want to I can go about my day in peace without interruptions from anybody. And sometimes you just want to slip into the background and be anonymous. But at the same time nobody asks you how you are doing, if you need help or acknowledge that you exist at all. If you have problems you just have to deal with it yourself and get over it."
"On the plus side you get good at problem solving, but it can be mentally tiring and demotivating at times. A lot of men are completely starved for positive attention. Not just from women, but any kind of positive attention at all. The last time I heard anything positive about my appearance it was from grandma. It was 15+ years ago and I am pretty sure she was drunk."
"I talked with my wife about this a few years ago and she found it very weird and sad. After that she has started to say something positive from time to time to the people she work with. The first time she did it was one of her closest coworkers. He was completely dumbfounded by it. He knew very well that it was just a friendly compliment, but he said he didn't really know how to handle it. Because he could not remember the last time something like that had happened."
Ashtar-the-Squid
Knowledge
"The automatic assumption that I just know about mechanics, carpentry, and DIY."
grudthak
"I notice this with my dad, everyone assumes he knows what he's talking about when it comes to mechanics or DIY stuff but he has no idea so he comes to ask me or my mum because he's utterly clueless but yet no matter how much he tells people, they still keep coming back to him."
Zdos123
Angles
pee GIFGiphy"When I go to pee and have it all lined up just for it to shoot out a 40 degree angle."
beauz44
"Even worse is when you get a split stream where you can't angle both of them into the bowl at the same time."
RareKrab
Peeing is such an obstacle.
Man Up
Sad Season 2 GIF by FriendsGiphy"Many people in my life assume that I can just turn off my anxiety and depression at will to 'power through' because... manly man reasons."
therealjustin
"That’s one thing for me that I hate. I basically have to power through my negative feelings because everything will go wrong if I don’t. And then my friends and family wonder why I have issues being vulnerable."
TheMemeSaint177
Just Moms
"As a single dad, my son is generally excluded from things like park meet-ups or birthday parties because apparently, I don't fit in with the other parents. I've probably been told it a thousand times in a thousand variations. What they actually mean is I'm a man, and mums don't want me around because it's generally just mums."
wastelander78
Help Me
"Lack of emotional support. People always think you have some hidden agenda."
UniverseBear
"And when you voice frustration and upset, people take it as anger."
ChrisInBaltimore
"Try being 6'4 290lbs and having this issue. I've gotten written up at work because I was intimidating someone. For voicing my frustration."
Dimaethor
"This happened to me about 2 months back. Was getting pushed pushed pushed, regularly forced to work OT because the people above me couldn't manage deadlines properly. My voice raised a little expressing my frustration one day in the office, barely, and now management thinks I have an anger issue. Yet my boss yells at every thing. Time for a new job."
ArcaninesTail
In Copenhagen...
"About a month ago, I was walking down the street in Copenhagen, it was close to midnight, and I was the only one on the street. It was dark and a bit foggy. I was minding my own business, having my headphones on. I hadn't noticed, at some point, I was walking about 15 ft behind a young woman. She was clearly walking faster, slightly looking over her shoulder at me."
"I understood the situation, and stopped walking, pretending to look at windows, while she had time to walk out if sight. I understand why she probably was nervous, walking alone down a dark street, with and older guy walking behind her, and as such, gave her space to get some distance between us. I also hate, that, thats where we are."
Material_Ambition_95
Just Blah
Fashion Posing GIF by NETFLIXGiphy"I guess men's fashion. I've had absolutely no luck finding anything I like, and all my current clothes are very plain."
Tylinator
Men, these things can certainly be frustrating. Thanks for sharing.
Do you have anything to add to this list? Let us know in the comments below.
Redditor FroyoNecessary5999 wanted to hear about the things we could all change about the past, so they asked:
"What is something you did that you deeply regret doing?"
Sometimes I feel like my whole life is one big regret.
Time
GIF by Ariana GrandeGiphy"Putting time and efforts into relationships/friendships that I should have just let go the first chance I had."
illeatyoura***
"Alternatively, not putting enough time and effort into relationships/friendships that actually were worth it."
TCSK8
We just can't...
"Probably rejecting my grandpa when he wanted to play chess, he then fell from a roof like a week later and I never had the chance to play chess with him again, still bothers me that I kinda never had this moment with him.."
nemgtas
"I have this fear now, while my parents are still alive. And my psychologist says the most sensible thing: we can't spend every moment with the people that love us. We just can't. And they don't expect us to. It wouldn't be healthy. And so we will ALL have SOME moments where we have said no. And that's okay. Or else we'd be resentful."
fanghornegghorn
Good Night
"I was seven years of age, I had an argument with my mother the night before she died. Before I went to bed she asked me for a hug I told her NO and stormed off to bed. The next morning I woke up to find everyone in the house was gone, it was very surreal and confusing. My father came back in that morning crying and told me my mother had died of a brain hemorrhage."
"Never go to bed on an argument."
Kellbag91
Gift Horse
"When I was 7 or 8 years old, I snapped at my dad for getting me the wrong video game and I can still see the disappointment in his face. Haunts me to this day."
Caxozma
"I remember my grandma taking me to the mall as a kid, and I was getting super upset I couldn’t get this $50 Pacsun hoodie. $50 hoodies are common now, but it was very expensive then. I freaked out and even said I pay her back. We ended up going back for it. What haunts me most is I didn’t even wear it. I really don’t know why I acted that way and still feel terrible."
Cobonmycorn
Too Young to Know
Make It Rain Money GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"Not opening a retirement account when I was 18 like I was told to."
"That and not investing my money I made bartending in my 20s. When you're that young you don't think about things like that unfortunately."
buthomeisnowhere
I'm still at a loss about investing.
I need to figure that out.
Maxed!
credit card debt GIFGiphy"Use my credit card too much to buy things I didn’t need. Now I’m dealing with a maxed out credit card that’s killing me every month."
MrRontendo
Practice is Perfect
"I deeply regret letting my creative writing and piano playing skills go to sh*t. Ever since I entered the corporate world 19 years ago, it has consumed me, and I no longer feel passionate about those things. I stopped practicing everything. When I try to make myself do them, it feels like just that, like I am forcing myself and it is no longer fun. I feel like I’ve become a shell of my former self in so many ways."
La_Reina_Rubia
Too Young
"Getting married to my first girlfriend at 19. I rushed the relationship because it felt good to not be alone and I thought that I could help her with her depression and anxiety, was hoping to have kid with her as well. However as time went on she just got worse and worse and kept using her depression as a crutch to justify every shi**y thing she did."
"When I started experiencing depression I stopped trying to keep things together and we got divorced a few years ago. I still haven't recovered mentally from it and between that and the pandemic I feel like a shell of the man I used to be."
ancap_attack
Peace Out
Phaedra Parks Bye Felicia GIFGiphy"Being too loyal and putting up with poor treatment from so called friends to the detriment of my mental health... not anymore *itches."
"Cut them all out when I realized they were unable to respond to me in a healthy way and still expected me to be on default fawning mode."
No-Conference-6242
Biggest Lesson? Don't let life slip by.