Redditor 9_Soldiers_In_A_Bear wanted to hear about the times everyone ruled the clap back.
So they asked:
"What’s the most badass thing you’ve accidentally said in the heat of the moment?"
I have a journal full of... "wish I had said that" moments. I need to be more present.
When in High School...
Criticize Lucille Bluth GIFGiphy"I didn’t realize the nature of my comment when I wrote it... but in high school, one of my teachers did end-of-the-year anonymous evaluations. Everyone hated him, and I understood why but I still did well in his class. I wrote 'I don’t have any critiques about your teaching, but I think you should work on being a better person.'"
hannahicebear
"You feeling froggy?"
"Big burly former marine/mercenary from Iraq was back stateside, huge f**king mountain of a man. We came to face each other in one of the narrow corridors of the office where one of us was gonna have to turn sideways. Neither of us turned, but we stopped. I'm 6'1 260 and he still towered over me. He was a nice guy, but still a little... 'conditioned.''"
"I guess you could say or mentally unhinged. He looked me dead in the eye and said, 'You feeling froggy?' It truly was like something out of a movie. Without blinking I replied, 'You better jump.' We both cracked up and turned sideways, while the office breathed a collective sigh of relief."
jvhero
In Particular
"I am a fourth grade teacher and one day I was up at the board and struggling to remember how to spell a particular word. I was trying to make light of it, telling the kids that sometimes adults need help with spelling too. One student replied, 'It is because you were poorly educated. But don’t worry, we are poorly educated too. Double whammy.'"
LapshuNaUshii
Viability
"At work project management undercut and mismanaged a project so badly. They pushed getting minimum viable product out with the goal to roll out improvements later. Product released, they all patted themselves on the back and moved on. Then that minimum viable product broke."
"In a meeting we had with our directors about how its so broken and the cost to fix it etc (no cost too big, unlimited manpower etc) I asked 'How come we couldn't afford to do it right, but we can afford to do it twice?'"
MikeLanglois
People can be very creative at the comeback.
"wrong"
matthew jump GIF by Married At First Sight AustraliaGiphy"A couple months ago, my (now ex) friend was telling me all the things that were 'wrong' with me, and she finished it with" ...and at least I don't have to wear makeup to look pretty.' I was so fed up with her sh*t, so I responded, 'At least I am capable of looking pretty.' She was speechless and I felt like such a bada** because this was the first time I ever stood up to her."
OliviRamon
Sit Down
"I'll never forget the moment a family walked into the local pub I was working at while I was working. This big king-of-the-grill bald alpha patriarch Dad type and his wife and kids came through, I said 'Welcome, where would you like to sit?' And he snapped back 'Well a table would be nice,' and without missing a beat at all I replied 'actually we usually sit on the chairs here,' I'll never forget the satisfaction of that moment or the look on his face haha."
lugh111
hey ladies...
"My uncles were *itching about my dad so I walked into the conversation and told them it wasn't polite to talk about people behind their backs. My uncle turned to me and said I shouldn't interrupt when the men are speaking and completely out of character I replied 'I don't see any men in here' ... boy did I get some s**t that day but that's how I knew I won that exchange."
kebabish
Damage
"I worked in cellphone sales for a few years and a woman came in with a fairly new flip phone (this was 2018 we just still sold them). She was complaining cause one of the sides of the screen was dangling off and said she didn't do anything it just snapped, and demanded a new phone."
"I told her 'that looks like physical damage and we don't have any coverage for that since you didn't buy a phone protection warranty.' She insisted it wasn't physical damage and the phone just sucks and broke itself. She started freaking out and calling me all kinds of names and swinging her phone in my face."
"And then the top half of the phone LITERALLY snapped off and landed on the counter in front of me. I just looked her in the eyes and said: 'Well that was definitely physical damage.' She lost her sh*t at my comment and it was weirdly satisfying."
fizzywaterisfizzy
Pass
Desus And Mero Pass GIF by Bernie SandersGiphy"I was accused of being passive aggressive. I replied 'Which part sounded passive? I don't ever want to come across as passive.'"
kezopster
And mic dropped.
Do you have any comebacks for the ages? Let us know in the comments below.
I would hope the end of the world is a big one. We should all want to avoid that one. Right?
SNL
Maya Rudolph Snl GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"There’s an SNL skit about this. Contestants on a game show have to guess whether someone is a Republican by what they believe, and they can’t figure it out. Statements like '[social media] is bad' and 'Epstein didn’t kill himself.'"
cheesefondue
Chaos...
"That deep down, it feels like we’re never really in control of what happens in the world."
Clavicula_Impetus
"That’s why I don’t like participating in political discussions. A) you’re never going to change someone’s political views by arguing with them about it and B) it really doesn’t matter. The chances of me discussing it actually producing chance might as well be zero."
kazooboy_official
Cheaters
"That congress shouldn't be able to buy, and sell stocks while in office, and should be severely punished for insider trading."
crazyzingers
"A friend of mine works for the lottery and she and immediate family are also banned from ever personally benefitting in any way from lottery winnings. So like if I won the lottery I wouldn’t be able to pay off her house or put her kids through college."
blklab16
Stumping
"I volunteered for Obama and was a heavy Bernie Sanders supporter living in Trump country and I have to say, 'liberals and conservatives' can agree on most things when an actual in-depth conversation happens between them. The arguments typically aren't about the issue but differences in perception, ignorance/prejudice, and major differences in beliefs as to how you can accomplish the mutually desired outcome."
ptbus0
Toppings?
Pizza Pizza Pizza Dancing GIF by Domino’s UK and ROIGiphy"Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza, poor people love pizza, white people love pizza, black people love pizza."
jowens42
Pizza. Pizza and SNL. They bring peace.
Miracles
Sad Rabbit GIF by Muffin & NutsGiphy"Cancer sucks."
ianisms10
"You know, I used to think we could agree on eradicating disease, but now I’m not so sure about that."
IAmBadAtInternet
Do they cover invisible jets?
"We don't need an extended warranty for our car."
doctor-mal
"Mess with them. Ask them if that includes modded cars (like a DeLorean with a flux capacitor) custom cars (batmobile), sentient cars (Bumblebee) and if you get a special deal for cars retrofitted with Pym tech since their ability to shrink means they're easily stored safely. Do they cover invisible jets?"
"I love messing with the people who call in. Even better if I can keep it going for a few minutes, slowly escalating the details before they catch on. One set of scammers are catching on - they're starting to hang up when I give them the address for P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way."
HotCocoaBomb
How High?
"The rent is too damn high."
tenebrous2
"Idk if you're a wealthy property owning person, regardless of political persuasion, you're pretty happy right now. My family member is conservative and talks about raising rents to highest possible because people will pay it. Their boss is a blue-blood liberal who actually does just that. Neither see an issue."
time_wasting_student
Basics...
"My hope is more and more people can agree that the elites use the two party system to magnify our differences, divide us based on class, race, and sex, and keep us distracted and at each other's throats, so that they can continue robbing us blind."
"For example, we're selling billions of dollars of weapons to Saudi Arabia every year which they use for their offensive war in Yemen. Weapons companies and contractors are getting wealthy as f**k, while the common man is squabbling over taking down an old statue or if you need a penis to enter certain restrooms or not."
Omniwing
We need youth...
Getting Old Baby Boomers GIF by MOODMANGiphy"That too many people running this damn country are way too f**king old."
"Age does not care what political alignment you are; at some point, you are just too old to be totally in touch with what's going on and to know what's right for everyone. Frightens me to know so many powerful figures here have probably had onset dementia gnawing at their brain for the last 5-10 years."
mtamaranth
Dear God yes! It's time for some retirements. Please. Let's start there.
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lonely career suicide GIF by Chris GethardSchooled
I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
I freaking wish they would. Dad just had a laundry list of crap that I needed to change to be more successful.
I got straight A's, lettered in Latin and AP Physics, and took all AP classes, dad. No crap I wasn't getting out for more exercise or doing more pleasure reading-- I had 4 hours of homework a night!
Being Everywhere....
In 2004 I once told a girl, "You're like Visa, everywhere I want to be". She giggled and then went on with her life.
in 2013, while drunk at a wedding after party of one of my best friends, I was sharing stories of dumb things I did as a teen and young adult to a table full of people when a very pretty lady sitting on her fiancée's lap drunkenly slurred out, "Where have you been all my life?" to which I replied, "I'm not sure, but I got here as fast as I could"...
The two of them left soon after that statement was made.
Stay back
Tell The Tea GIF by DreezyGiphyI once asked a girl, "Where have you been all my life?"
Her response was, "I don't know, but I wish I was still there."
Oscar Says...
"You're a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
schitts creek burn GIF by CBCTake the Boot
Dad's old one is "couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."
Oh no... this one got me because at first I was picturing someone lifting the boot above their head to read the underside. Took me a few seconds to realize you would flip it over instead. 🤦🏻♂️
Turns out I couldn't pour pee out of a boot.
You own a Mirror?
megan mullally nbc GIF by Will & GraceGiphyCalling them by a characteristic or article of clothing they are wearing.
Whatever you say haircut. Or sure thing sunglasses.
It will bother them long after the comment.
Dumb Luck
I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
I see that you haven't met some of my neighbors. Here's a good example. One of them lit their yard on fire, forgot they had a garden hose, ran around with a bucket trying to put it out, and then eventually remembered there was a hose.
Did I mention that they are a firefighter so none of these things ought to have happened? I am glad I don't live immediately next to them and that incident has resulted in me having less confidence in my local fire department... for obvious reasons.
Bless your Heart
dumb patrick star GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphyYour grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.
Or "honey, you're not pretty enough to be this dumb."
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Fair point.
"Well I did [unsafe thing] and I turned out fine!" Yeah, that's because the people who died doing it usually don't speak up about it much.
I hate when this is in the context of unsafe food (eg, frozen chicken that my previous roommate left to thaw in the fridge for 2+ weeks). I'm an epidemiologist and have worked on foodborne outbreaks, this is literally my job. Death is irreversible, so of course you haven't died from it, but it sure as sh*t will give you the runs (the actual outcome we're actually worried about). And stop contaminating my f*cking kitchen with your unsafe food practices, TRISHA.
This is true.
Giphy"Don't eat that, do you know it has chemicals in it?"
Everything has chemicals in it. Be specific about what is dangerous then.
That's messed up.
"I had a sh*tty childhood and I turned out fine." If you're making your kid's childhood sh*tty just because of that reason, you did not turn out fine.
My mom had the same logic and I admit that I unconsciously absorbed it. Now I'm doing everything I can to break the cycle.
Bad excuse.
"But it's Christmas" to try get anything they want.
For example, I'm a bar manager, group comes in 20 minutes after service stopped trying to get a drink,
"Sorry we've stopped serving." "But it's Christmas you should serve us!"
Unfortunately your £20 in the till isn't worth the potential loss of my personal license.
F*cking Gail.
GiphyTrust. "We just need to trust the people we work with." The entire reason I'm bringing this is up is because Gail is a moron. Why is this being turned on me?
Doesn't stop me from doing it.
Microwaving your food is bad because of the radiation.
Now I can microwave my ramen in a styrofoam cup!
So dumb.
It's my opinion and facts shall not change it.
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.
Always be careful.
GiphyWhen you're explaining to them about Internet privacy they say, "why should I care I don't do anything wrong?"
I've heard this argument used for DNA databases too. Particularly for mandated paternity tests at birth.
It's not that I'm worried it's not my kid, or that I've committed a crime and am worried I'll be caught. It's that I absolutely don't trust any company or government to not cock it up and either accidentally link me to something or maliciously implicate me.
That doesn't make sense.
You changed your opinion based on new information, that shows weakness and untrustworthiness.
Isn't this what you're supposed to do? Aren't people ridiculed for not doing this?
TRUE.
The one that sh*ts me off is 'Natural = good/healthy', and that 'Artificial = bad/unhealthy'
As if our species hasn't spent millennia creating un-natural buildings and cities for comfortable living, or developing un-natural vaccines and antibiotics to treat all the very natural diseases that have killed billions.
Fair.
Giphy"If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" At this point I wouldn't need friends to do that.
Truth.
Just because someone in school has a lower grade than so and so doesn't make them stupid. The grading system has to be looked at more in detail than a percentage.
Listen up, parents.
GiphyMy least favorite is probably "Because I said so" What in the hell is that supposed to mean? It means that there is no logical reason for why you're denying what I'm asking of you, other than that you're lazy.