When I'm writing a new script and I come across characters who are destined to be enemies it's aways fun to concoct scorching insults to sling. And right away what you learn from your dramaturge is that less is more. You can eliminate twenty words and infuse them into a ferocious look that leaves the audience heaving. So you realize it's actually quite easy to keep it clean and classy by leaving foul words--though they often send the point home--out first. Hidden meanings in plain sight that leave people in tears are the best.
I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
I freaking wish they would. Dad just had a laundry list of crap that I needed to change to be more successful.
I got straight A's, lettered in Latin and AP Physics, and took all AP classes, dad. No crap I wasn't getting out for more exercise or doing more pleasure reading-- I had 4 hours of homework a night!
In 2004 I once told a girl, "You're like Visa, everywhere I want to be". She giggled and then went on with her life.
in 2013, while drunk at a wedding after party of one of my best friends, I was sharing stories of dumb things I did as a teen and young adult to a table full of people when a very pretty lady sitting on her fiancée's lap drunkenly slurred out, "Where have you been all my life?" to which I replied, "I'm not sure, but I got here as fast as I could"...
The two of them left soon after that statement was made.
Stay backTell The Tea GIF by DreezyGiphy
I once asked a girl, "Where have you been all my life?"
Her response was, "I don't know, but I wish I was still there."
"You're a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave."
- Oscar Wilde
Take the Boot
Dad's old one is "couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."
Oh no... this one got me because at first I was picturing someone lifting the boot above their head to read the underside. Took me a few seconds to realize you would flip it over instead. 🤦🏻♂️
Turns out I couldn't pour pee out of a boot.
You own a Mirror?megan mullally nbc GIF by Will & GraceGiphy
Calling them by a characteristic or article of clothing they are wearing.
Whatever you say haircut. Or sure thing sunglasses.
It will bother them long after the comment.
I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
I see that you haven't met some of my neighbors. Here's a good example. One of them lit their yard on fire, forgot they had a garden hose, ran around with a bucket trying to put it out, and then eventually remembered there was a hose.
Did I mention that they are a firefighter so none of these things ought to have happened? I am glad I don't live immediately next to them and that incident has resulted in me having less confidence in my local fire department... for obvious reasons.
Bless your Heartdumb patrick star GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy
Your grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.
Or "honey, you're not pretty enough to be this dumb."
Some folks just will not allow themselves to be wrong.
People are willing to go to extremes to be right. Sometimes, those things are embarrassing, but sometimes, those things are absolutely 100% justified.
Here were some of those answers.
It was my dad, and it was to win a bet. After a snowstorm the snow on the farm had been plowed up into a big pile. My dad and cousin had made a $1.00 bet on how long it would take to melt. They had a date picked, and my cousin had after that date. As the date was approaching it was obvious it wasn't gonna be completely melted. So my dad got on the tractor with the snowplow and spread it out so it would melt faster.
Landlord said I was smoking cigarettes in the apartment to try and evict me. Bought a couple dozen cotinine urine tests and gave the judge the pictures of all the tests. The case was dismissed with prejudice and the landlord was given a formal warning for lying. I still ended up moving out because the lease was month to month but I still won a small battle against that piece of crap.
Literally Going For Blood
Not me, but my high school Chemistry teacher. He had been arguing for days that "blue blood" isn't actually blue, that's just how your veins look through your skin because the blood is deoxygenated. Our class clown David, however, persisted. Blue blood is blue.
So one day Mr. N went into the science supply closet and came back out with a vacuum and a syringe, pulled up his sleeve and drew blood in front of the whole class into a vacuum to prove that your blue blood is, in fact, just dark red.
David never said it was blue again.
Edward Cullen Eat Your Heart Out
I read every Twilight book because "you can't criticize it if you haven't read it". They're sucky books, but I have earned my opinion and can back it up with facts now.
Bam, I Got Us Lost
I was driving back from London with the wife and we were on the M25 (For those that don't know, the M25 is a large motorway that goes around the perimeter of London... Like a giant roundabout with London in the middle) and my wife thought as were on the A12 heading towards Essex so as we're driving along she sees me signalling to go in to the lane signposted for Chelmsford (we needed to go that way as we live in Essex) and she said "Why are you coming off at Chelmsford", I explained that if we didn't we'd be miles away from home, she argued with me and refused to believe we were on the M25 so I stayed on it.
Note - It was 7pm, we had spent the day shopping and I had a car full of ikea furniture in the back.
We're driving along and suddenly she starts seeing signposts for Watford. She's like "Why are there signposts for Watford, that's in Hertfordshire, that's miles from home"
I was like well, you wouldn't let me come off at Chelmsford so we're now going to have to go right around the M25 to get back home... She started effing and jeffing but apologised so I turned off at Harlow which is inbetween Chelmsford & Watford... I was probably a 30 mile detour but it was worth it
My Own Hardship To Be Right
Insisted the lost item wasn't where my mum said it was, ran upstairs before she could, obviously found it where she said it was and so I did the only reasonable thing I could and hid it. Waited a good week to 'find' it again.
Fake Hair, Fake Values
Not me but a high school friend on thanksgiving got into an argument with his Uncle of a polar opposite political vantage point.
Started as just shouting and nothing really to write home about, but it began escalating to the point where he called my friend just an "idealistic kid who doesn't know sh*t about the real world" which prompted my friend to yell "real funny coming from a man with fake hair!!"
Room goes silent and his uncle is fuming. He rips off his toupee and throws it against the wall.
Then proceeds to scream "YOU HAPPY NOW???" before continuing the argument.
When You Need Evidence Of Your Own Words
Secretly recorded her, and then played back her own words when she denied saying what she said.
She tried to gaslight me so often that I bought a recorder just for her.
I made a post on Facebook that my sister didn't like. She's in her 50's. She made fun of me in a comment on the post so I commented back that she doesn't know what's she's talking about. My sister does not like to be told off. She thinks she is better than everyone and that no one has a right to speak to her if they disagree. She is against gays and she says all black people are prejudiced against white people because they are jealous. I put up with a lot of stupid ideas just to have her in my life. Well once I commented back to her on my Facebook page, she lost it. Sent me a nasty message then put me on block. I have a few pages on Facebook for other things and she went to all those pages and told me off as well.
So I told Facebook she was dead. They memorialized her account within 24 hours and she could no longer sign in.
Try Being A Little Nicer, Bucko
When I was 18 I worked at a bar/restaurant. The manager kept me working in the bar, then after three months, made me work as a waiter in the restaurant. I wasn't told any of the procedures (like, does this meal come with a extra bit or how to work the washer), but he insisted I should know because I'd been there three months. Even though I'd working in a completely different area.
Anyway on this night the dude that owned the place was in. The manager yelled at me to take something out the back. While I was out the back (and alone), I decided to fake a limp as though I'd had an injury.
When I fake-limped back into the restaurant, the owner called me over and asked if I was alright. I said "yes, it hurts, but I'm trying to keep up with everything. This is my first night on the floor and I'm not familiar with all the procedures. I'll try harder."
The owner then got angry with the manager because it looked terrible that one of the waiters was limping around and that he needed to look after the staff better.
I went home early with a full night's pay. Obviously I didn't work there much longer.
Probably the pettiest thing I've ever done... but that manager was really quite out of line, I thought.
It's hard to believe that certain things still continue to be argued, even if they have already been debunked a million times over. But some people just like to stick to their guns when it comes to their beliefs, even if they may not entirely make sense. Here are some of Reddit's dumbest arguments.
u/Vectorman_Ballz asked: What is a stupid argument that people STILL keep using?
"Well I did [unsafe thing] and I turned out fine!" Yeah, that's because the people who died doing it usually don't speak up about it much.
I hate when this is in the context of unsafe food (eg, frozen chicken that my previous roommate left to thaw in the fridge for 2+ weeks). I'm an epidemiologist and have worked on foodborne outbreaks, this is literally my job. Death is irreversible, so of course you haven't died from it, but it sure as sh*t will give you the runs (the actual outcome we're actually worried about). And stop contaminating my f*cking kitchen with your unsafe food practices, TRISHA.
This is true.Giphy
"Don't eat that, do you know it has chemicals in it?"
Everything has chemicals in it. Be specific about what is dangerous then.
That's messed up.
"I had a sh*tty childhood and I turned out fine." If you're making your kid's childhood sh*tty just because of that reason, you did not turn out fine.
My mom had the same logic and I admit that I unconsciously absorbed it. Now I'm doing everything I can to break the cycle.
"But it's Christmas" to try get anything they want.
For example, I'm a bar manager, group comes in 20 minutes after service stopped trying to get a drink,
"Sorry we've stopped serving." "But it's Christmas you should serve us!"
Unfortunately your £20 in the till isn't worth the potential loss of my personal license.
Trust. "We just need to trust the people we work with." The entire reason I'm bringing this is up is because Gail is a moron. Why is this being turned on me?
Doesn't stop me from doing it.
Microwaving your food is bad because of the radiation.
Now I can microwave my ramen in a styrofoam cup!
It's my opinion and facts shall not change it.
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.
Always be careful.Giphy
When you're explaining to them about Internet privacy they say, "why should I care I don't do anything wrong?"
It's not that I'm worried it's not my kid, or that I've committed a crime and am worried I'll be caught. It's that I absolutely don't trust any company or government to not cock it up and either accidentally link me to something or maliciously implicate me.
That doesn't make sense.
You changed your opinion based on new information, that shows weakness and untrustworthiness.
Isn't this what you're supposed to do? Aren't people ridiculed for not doing this?
The one that sh*ts me off is 'Natural = good/healthy', and that 'Artificial = bad/unhealthy'
As if our species hasn't spent millennia creating un-natural buildings and cities for comfortable living, or developing un-natural vaccines and antibiotics to treat all the very natural diseases that have killed billions.
"If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" At this point I wouldn't need friends to do that.
Why do people think this is effective?
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out!"
Just because someone in school has a lower grade than so and so doesn't make them stupid. The grading system has to be looked at more in detail than a percentage.
Listen up, parents.Giphy
My least favorite is probably "Because I said so" What in the hell is that supposed to mean? It means that there is no logical reason for why you're denying what I'm asking of you, other than that you're lazy.
Every time I make combat his statement he says "yeah, but still".
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Now that is an argument that will never get old. It gets beyond tiresome when everyone keeps bringing up the same old talking points time and time again. Have we not grown past the standards? Are we not more creative to use a better angle? When did "I told you so ever win you the pot of gold?" In the end.... silence can always be option.
"Is that really what your mum would have wanted?"Giphy
"Is that really what your mum would have wanted?"
Oh do go off with that. I did everything to make her happy when she was here, I'm now doing what's best for me and mine without the fear of upsetting her, so don't give me that bull.
nothing to hide....
"If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear."
"Cheery was aware that Commander Vimes didn't like the phrase 'The innocent have nothing to fear', believing the innocent had everything to fear, mostly from the guilty but in the longer term even more from those who say things like 'The innocent have nothing to fear'."
― Terry Pratchett , Snuff.
"If he wasn't sitting around playing video games all day he could've learned to swim away from that great white that can swim up to 35mph." Squiddytick
'IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR PHONE!'
- MOM Typical_Lady
One and Only is NOT an excuse....
"You only get one Mother. You're just hanging onto the past & you sound like a child"
No and No. Just because i'm your son doesn't mean you can talk to me & treat me any way you'd like. I am a person with feelings too, there are ways to talk to someone and get your point across in a relatively respectful way. Toxicity is toxicity and it should not be tolerated family or not.
"There's already so much trash on the ground here. Doesn't matter if I throw mine too."
Said all the people walking through there.
"This one widely-debunked study from 18 years ago proves that science is on my side!"
"You're wrong because of this thing I was taught in high school, which surely couldn't be a simplified introduction to a far more complex area of study!"
Times have Changed.
"I'm a nurse, I was trained in this and know what's what.".
Grandma, the last time you actively did anything nurse related was about 30 years ago and what I am telling you is LITERALLY the current state of the field based on dozens of peer reviewed and confirming studies.
"Of course they'd say that! The drug companies just want to waste your money!"
The political retread....
In reference to politicians:
"Obama/Bush/Whoever did it/is worse"
Yeah, and you were opposed to it then, why the heck are you okay with your guy doing it? This type of excuse didn't work for me after kindergarten, why are you using it as an adult?
I really get annoyed with this one as well, and I constantly see people do it. Obama did a lot of things we shouldn't have accepted, but he wasn't George Bush so we, collectively, let a few war crimes slide.
"The science is settled." That's not how science works, the entire point is to continually seek to prove yourself wrong! Science is never settled.
If a proposition has been thoroughly tested in that way and still stands then it's not unfair to say that the point is settled. When people say things like "the science is settled" or "we know for sure", they're not proposing to have defeated solipsism or anything, they're saying "we are as sure of this as we can possibly be."
What else you got Pops?Giphy
"You're the child, I'm the adult."
My dad uses this excuse even when he's wrong and I have legitimate proof that he is.