lonely career suicide GIF by Chris GethardSchooled
I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.
I freaking wish they would. Dad just had a laundry list of crap that I needed to change to be more successful.
I got straight A's, lettered in Latin and AP Physics, and took all AP classes, dad. No crap I wasn't getting out for more exercise or doing more pleasure reading-- I had 4 hours of homework a night!
Being Everywhere....
In 2004 I once told a girl, "You're like Visa, everywhere I want to be". She giggled and then went on with her life.
in 2013, while drunk at a wedding after party of one of my best friends, I was sharing stories of dumb things I did as a teen and young adult to a table full of people when a very pretty lady sitting on her fiancée's lap drunkenly slurred out, "Where have you been all my life?" to which I replied, "I'm not sure, but I got here as fast as I could"...
The two of them left soon after that statement was made.
Stay back
Tell The Tea GIF by DreezyGiphyI once asked a girl, "Where have you been all my life?"
Her response was, "I don't know, but I wish I was still there."
Oscar Says...
"You're a conversation starter. Not when you are around but once you leave."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde
schitts creek burn GIF by CBCTake the Boot
Dad's old one is "couldn't pour pee out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel."
Oh no... this one got me because at first I was picturing someone lifting the boot above their head to read the underside. Took me a few seconds to realize you would flip it over instead. 🤦🏻♂️
Turns out I couldn't pour pee out of a boot.
You own a Mirror?
megan mullally nbc GIF by Will & GraceGiphyCalling them by a characteristic or article of clothing they are wearing.
Whatever you say haircut. Or sure thing sunglasses.
It will bother them long after the comment.
Dumb Luck
I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.
I see that you haven't met some of my neighbors. Here's a good example. One of them lit their yard on fire, forgot they had a garden hose, ran around with a bucket trying to put it out, and then eventually remembered there was a hose.
Did I mention that they are a firefighter so none of these things ought to have happened? I am glad I don't live immediately next to them and that incident has resulted in me having less confidence in my local fire department... for obvious reasons.
Bless your Heart
dumb patrick star GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphyYour grades say marry rich, but your face says study harder.
Or "honey, you're not pretty enough to be this dumb."
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Fair point.
"Well I did [unsafe thing] and I turned out fine!" Yeah, that's because the people who died doing it usually don't speak up about it much.
I hate when this is in the context of unsafe food (eg, frozen chicken that my previous roommate left to thaw in the fridge for 2+ weeks). I'm an epidemiologist and have worked on foodborne outbreaks, this is literally my job. Death is irreversible, so of course you haven't died from it, but it sure as sh*t will give you the runs (the actual outcome we're actually worried about). And stop contaminating my f*cking kitchen with your unsafe food practices, TRISHA.
This is true.
Giphy"Don't eat that, do you know it has chemicals in it?"
Everything has chemicals in it. Be specific about what is dangerous then.
That's messed up.
"I had a sh*tty childhood and I turned out fine." If you're making your kid's childhood sh*tty just because of that reason, you did not turn out fine.
My mom had the same logic and I admit that I unconsciously absorbed it. Now I'm doing everything I can to break the cycle.
Bad excuse.
"But it's Christmas" to try get anything they want.
For example, I'm a bar manager, group comes in 20 minutes after service stopped trying to get a drink,
"Sorry we've stopped serving." "But it's Christmas you should serve us!"
Unfortunately your £20 in the till isn't worth the potential loss of my personal license.
F*cking Gail.
GiphyTrust. "We just need to trust the people we work with." The entire reason I'm bringing this is up is because Gail is a moron. Why is this being turned on me?
Doesn't stop me from doing it.
Microwaving your food is bad because of the radiation.
Now I can microwave my ramen in a styrofoam cup!
So dumb.
It's my opinion and facts shall not change it.
Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts schmacts.
Always be careful.
GiphyWhen you're explaining to them about Internet privacy they say, "why should I care I don't do anything wrong?"
I've heard this argument used for DNA databases too. Particularly for mandated paternity tests at birth.
It's not that I'm worried it's not my kid, or that I've committed a crime and am worried I'll be caught. It's that I absolutely don't trust any company or government to not cock it up and either accidentally link me to something or maliciously implicate me.
That doesn't make sense.
You changed your opinion based on new information, that shows weakness and untrustworthiness.
Isn't this what you're supposed to do? Aren't people ridiculed for not doing this?
TRUE.
The one that sh*ts me off is 'Natural = good/healthy', and that 'Artificial = bad/unhealthy'
As if our species hasn't spent millennia creating un-natural buildings and cities for comfortable living, or developing un-natural vaccines and antibiotics to treat all the very natural diseases that have killed billions.
Fair.
Giphy"If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" At this point I wouldn't need friends to do that.
Truth.
Just because someone in school has a lower grade than so and so doesn't make them stupid. The grading system has to be looked at more in detail than a percentage.
Listen up, parents.
GiphyMy least favorite is probably "Because I said so" What in the hell is that supposed to mean? It means that there is no logical reason for why you're denying what I'm asking of you, other than that you're lazy.
"Is that really what your mum would have wanted?"
Giphy"Is that really what your mum would have wanted?"
Oh do go off with that. I did everything to make her happy when she was here, I'm now doing what's best for me and mine without the fear of upsetting her, so don't give me that bull.
nothing to hide....
"If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear."
"Cheery was aware that Commander Vimes didn't like the phrase 'The innocent have nothing to fear', believing the innocent had everything to fear, mostly from the guilty but in the longer term even more from those who say things like 'The innocent have nothing to fear'."
― Terry Pratchett , Snuff.
Duh Mom.
"If he wasn't sitting around playing video games all day he could've learned to swim away from that great white that can swim up to 35mph." Squiddytick
'IT'S BECAUSE OF YOUR PHONE!'
- MOM Typical_Lady
One and Only is NOT an excuse....
"You only get one Mother. You're just hanging onto the past & you sound like a child"
No and No. Just because i'm your son doesn't mean you can talk to me & treat me any way you'd like. I am a person with feelings too, there are ways to talk to someone and get your point across in a relatively respectful way. Toxicity is toxicity and it should not be tolerated family or not.
Trashed.
Giphy"There's already so much trash on the ground here. Doesn't matter if I throw mine too."
Said all the people walking through there.
Debunked.
"This one widely-debunked study from 18 years ago proves that science is on my side!"
"You're wrong because of this thing I was taught in high school, which surely couldn't be a simplified introduction to a far more complex area of study!"
Times have Changed.
"I'm a nurse, I was trained in this and know what's what.".
Grandma, the last time you actively did anything nurse related was about 30 years ago and what I am telling you is LITERALLY the current state of the field based on dozens of peer reviewed and confirming studies.
"Of course they'd say that! The drug companies just want to waste your money!"
The political retread....
In reference to politicians:
"Obama/Bush/Whoever did it/is worse"
Yeah, and you were opposed to it then, why the heck are you okay with your guy doing it? This type of excuse didn't work for me after kindergarten, why are you using it as an adult?
I really get annoyed with this one as well, and I constantly see people do it. Obama did a lot of things we shouldn't have accepted, but he wasn't George Bush so we, collectively, let a few war crimes slide.
The Unsettled.
"The science is settled." That's not how science works, the entire point is to continually seek to prove yourself wrong! Science is never settled.
If a proposition has been thoroughly tested in that way and still stands then it's not unfair to say that the point is settled. When people say things like "the science is settled" or "we know for sure", they're not proposing to have defeated solipsism or anything, they're saying "we are as sure of this as we can possibly be."
What else you got Pops?
Giphy"You're the child, I'm the adult."
My dad uses this excuse even when he's wrong and I have legitimate proof that he is.
At some point you'll be able to say "you're the fossil, I'm the adult."