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People Who Have Been In Relationships For Over A Decade Share Their Secret To Longevity
Relationships are hard, and maintaining one long-term can be even harder. The vibe will change over time and if you and your partner(s) aren't still putting in the work to maintain good communication and fostering the relationship, it can crumble.
Redditor pobodysnerfect563 asked the folks at. AskReddit for some advice:
"Redditors in 10+ year relationships, what's your secret?"
Be Friends
It’s no secret. Be friends as well as lovers. And be committed to the relationship itself. You both invest in the relationship then you’re good.
Don’t worry if you fight some in early relationship. You’re finding out about each other then. Just make up and move forward. Before you know it many years will have passed and you’re a solid couple.
Grow Together
We try to grow together. I don’t mean that we have all the same hobbies, interests, or friends, but we invite each other into the things we care about and the plans that are preoccupying us at the moment. Couples that don’t talk to each other don’t stay together, and couples that only talk about day-to-day logistics and what Brian did at work can struggle too. You have to think your partner is interesting — not every second of every day, but they should be someone whose opinion you actively want to hear on most occasions.
Taking weekly date night seriously helps too — put on some nice clothes and plan something intellectually stimulating, really pleasurable, or novel.
My wife is really into British Crime shows and now I am too. We often watch one of the million episodes of Midsomer Murders once a week. As for date night we decided to do this....right when the pandemic started lol. Anyway, you're spot on about growing together. Finding common interest and trying to enjoy something your partner enjoys will always keep things fresh as you now have one more thing to talk about. My wife is finally getting interested in (American) football and since she knows pretty much nothing about the game and is from a different country her commentary and thoughts on the game and the culture around it is actually really interesting.
If It's Hers, It's Hers
20yrs and counting. Don't eat her restaurant food leftovers.
I ate the last rice cake in the package once in 2006 and she still brings it up occasionally.
Be Your Own Person
The person you're with is not responsible for entertaining you or making/keeping you happy. You are also not responsible for doing this for them.
Have your own friends and your own hobbies and get your fulfillment from your own decisions. Enjoy the time and energy that your partner is willing to give, and don't badger them to give you more than they want to. Nor should you let them badger you into giving more.
Otherwise, you'll exhaust each other emotionally and you'll fight constantly about how the other is not doing enough for you. If you aren't happy, take responsibility and make yourself happy.
Edit: bonus tips—learn how to cook their favorite foods, don't require apologies, if there's a problem discuss it, if the problem isn't cheating/abuse/murder then you shouldn't let yourself get too angry about it—always ask yourself if you'll even remember the issue/incident in a year, go on adventures together
The person you're with is not responsible for entertaining you or making/keeping you happy. You are also not responsible for doing this for them.
Will be married for 16 years next week - the above is KEY. You need to be happy/comfortable with yourself before you can be happy/comfortable with someone else. I've seen too many people in love with love or looking for someone to "complete" them. That's not how it works. Successful relationships are partnerships.
You Don't Always Have To Fix It
Listen to each other, don’t always try to “fix” the problem.
Practice forgiveness, for yourself and your partner.
Try new things and fun things together.
Don’t drag family / friends into your relationship issues.
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Twelve years next month. Lived together for eight, married a year this Sunday.
People want to make it complicated, but it isn’t. Communicate everything, all the time. Enjoy your time together, enjoy your time apart.
Show them things you care about. Indulge their love language. Care about their physical, emotional, and sexual well being. All of this goes both ways of course.
And most importantly, whoop their a** at Super Smash Bros on a regular basis.
Enjoy Your Time Apart
Enjoy your time apart. SOOO underrated. I looooooooooove my wife. but I don't need my wife. I'm a whole human without her and so is she. We're together because we complement each other not complete each other.
I hate the romantic notion of completing each other. I feel like if you're looking for someone to complete you, maybe you should complete yourself first.
Resentment Is Poison
15 years now.
Resentment is poison, talk through issues and be unwilling to allow them to fester.
Treat each other like they’re more important than yourselves (only works if it goes both ways).
Remember that shared interests are far less important than shared values.
Counseling Isn't a only For Problems
Couples counseling. We have a really great relationship, but we still go to counseling on a weekly basis to keep it great. You wouldn’t wait until your car engine was on fire to take it to a mechanic. You get regular maintenance on your car so that it continues to run smoothly. Treat your relationship the same way.
Relationships take work, from everyone involved. There's no magic secret to a great relationship, but hopefully some of these tips will put you on the right path.