It's Gone!
excited freak out GIFGiphyYelling for his brother then whispering loudly to him "Check to see if I still have my penis... I think they took my penis!" then proceeded to flash the whole room.
Edit: for those asking the procedure was to remove a benign tumor in his cheek (face cheek not butt cheek).
Hey Sexy
Was recovering a patient after surgery who got ketamine which has a known side effect of making you super emotional. When she woke up she started cat calling me telling me how attractive I was. Then she got worked up because she was thirsty so I told her I could get her ice chips. As I am getting her ice chips she starts to go "I hate to see you leave but I love to see you go." As I disappear to get her some ice chips she starts crying real tears that she scared me off and how sorry she was.
"woke up"
I apparently can't handle my anesthesia.
The first time I "woke up" I asked the nurse if I was going to be able to "fight" by Monday. My wife properly translated that to "can he teach his wrestling class."
Before we went home, she wanted to drop off my prescriptions at CVS.
She left me locked in the running car. After she dropped off the prescription, she turned around to find me in the CVS standing in the frozen dairy section holding german chocolate ice cream. I told her I needed it "because my people made it".
Car was still running with the passenger door left open.
Its You!
its you beyonce GIFGiphy18-year-old girl "recognized" the (male) anesthesiologist from tinder last week and accused him multiple times of not showing up to their agreed date - while randomly falling half-asleep in between. As we put her back in bed she mumbled that she is not even mad, just generally disappointed in men and that she still thinks he's pretty.
Dry your tears....
When I "woke up" I was bawling my eyes out. When I actually came to, I asked why I was crying and everyone laughed at me and told me they had been asking me the same thing for almost an hour, which made me cry even more. We had to return a DVD and my mom stupidly asked me to remember before I went under so I wrote it on my arm.
On the car ride home, I reminded her every 30 seconds or so to take Sahara back and aren't you proud of me for remembering?! I also really wanted Jimmy John's and started crying again when my mom said there was no way I could eat it but that didn't make sense because I didn't need my wisdom teeth to eat. Good times.
Killer
In the early days of my surgical training, there was a day that I was assigned to a colonoscopy list. Standard practice is to pre-medicate patients in the anesthesia bay if required, particularly if they are a bit anxious about the procedure. I was clerking one of the patients in the anesthesia bay going through consent and the usual preop routine when I noticed that she was giving me these weird side-long glances and that her eyes would dart away everytime I tried to make eye contact with her. She was also extremely fidgety and was stammering a lot in her responses to my questions. I kind of shrugged it off as preoperative nervousness and let the anesthetist do his business.
Fast forward 10 minutes and I'm standing behind her; she, curled up into the fetal position with her butt hanging out and I, colonoscope in hand. As the propofol starts rushing through her veins, she turns right around, grips my forearm and stares up at me with a dreamy look on her face and goes: "You know what, Doc? I bet you kill it with the ladies."
A moment later she was asleep and I was checking her colon for polyps.
Fancy Dress
I just had a bowel resection and was hopped up on morphine. My divorced parents hadn't sat in a room that long together in forever. My sister uncomfortably quiet between them tells me my junk is hanging out of my hospital gown and I say,'if my balls are hanging out. That makes this a ball gown.' Really helped with the tension.
Ya Hear Private?
Independence Day Reaction GIF by Broad CityGiphyAnesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes suddenly jumped upright and sit on the bed and he said something : Sir, yes sir! He was under military service at that time.
Sorry Bud
Not a doctor, but I was told by my dentist that when he was prepping me to remove my wisdom teeth, I asked him why he became a dentist. I vaguely remember him telling me a story about how when he was a preteen he was at a local pool, running around when he slipped and smashed his chin on concrete and shattered some of his teeth (ouch). He was amazed at how well they reconstructed his teeth that he decided to go into dentistry.
Apparently, I then looked this man in the eyes and said, "Well that's a stupid freakin' reason to become a dentist."
Sorry, Dr. J 😬.
fart wtf GIFShe farted so long and loud the entire 20 bed unit heard her. Then she said "I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte, I got a headache." As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter but that didn't stop patients from turning into hyenas.
Let me do it....
I'm a doctor and was getting a knee reconstruction, and asked one of my best friend's dad to do my anesthesia. He was head of department at the hospital I worked at at the time.
Apparently after he gave me the Midazolam (to chill time out and basically I forget everything from then on), he inserted a local anesthetic block into my leg.
The next day he told me what happened.
Apparently, I then told him it's not working and he should have done it higher up and over tried to grab the needle from him to show him, after I asked if he knew what he was doing. I also complained the bed was cold.
We still have a good laugh about it.
DAVID!
david rose what GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphyWoman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, "David! That alarm clock has a nose and it's running! Wipe it!"
"What time is it."
The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of burger king breakfast afterwards. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting and I rarely got fast food. They ended up running behind that day so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10).
The first words out of my mouth were "What time is it." When my mom informed me it was already about 9:30 I tried to get out of bed and nearly ripped out my IV in the process. When she tried to tell me that we would be late and I could get it another day I promptly burst into tears.
Edit: I did get my burger king a different day. Thank you all for your concern.
"What are you doing?!"
One of the times I had an endoscopy when I was around 10 years old I woke up pretty groggy and naturally with a dry and sore throat. I asked the nurse for water but she said I couldn't have any yet. She left the room so I started climbing over the raised sides of the bed to get some.
She walks back in with me almost at the point of no return (also the point immediately preceding the point of face planting the floor as I was in no state to be balancing or climbing), freaks out screaming "What are you doing?!" So I say something song the lines of 'getting some water' and she relents and goes and gets me some.
A Vegetable State
When I was a toddler, my mom fell off our roof and broke her back. Apparently she was terrified she was going to become a vegetable, because after her back surgery she asked the nurse, "Am I a broccoli, or a cauliflower?"
Ready Freddie
freddie mercury GIFGiphy65 year old woman who had a wrist surgery. She was anxious so they gave her a good whack of propofol (the milk of amnesia).
Mid surgery she was having the time of her life. In a thick northern Irish accent she was like "Did you just fill me up to me head with vodka?" "gimme a wee bit more boy, I'm loving this stuff."
Then she said the anesthetist looked like Freddie Mercury and started singing "don't stop me now". The anesthetist looked nothing like Freddie.
FLY!!!!
Not a medical professional, but my mom was coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, "Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!"
The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes.
Well if it was good for Hitler....
I'm a consultant anesthetist (UK) and there are LOADS. Often declarations of love from the patient as the drugs are kicking in.
My all time favorite is a 40 something guy a few years ago - he needed a testicle removing for cancer. He'd never had an anesthetic before and was super nervous, to the point of barely saying anything to anyone.
As the drugs started to kick in, we realized someone was quietly singing. It was the patient.
"Hitler... has only got one testicle..."
elmo GIFWhen we got to the hospital he went into the pediatric section of the ED and there were stickers on the wall of sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn't one) and how it was trying to be friends with Elmo but Elmo didn't want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands.
Hopped
I dislocated my shoulder in a way that my arm ended up stuck up over my head. Apparently, while all hopped up on demarol, I was laughing hysterically while the doctor was standing on the table/gurney wrestling with my arm to get it back into the socket. I don't remember a thing.
Ummmm.... Ok.
Parks And Recreation Nbc GIF by HULUGiphyThis woman undergoing C-section under spinal anesthesia + ketamine said 'Show my baby first to my brother-in-law, he deserves to see her first'. I sometimes wonder what happened to her marriage after that.
Speaking in Tongues....
After having my tonsils out at 24, something got crossed in my brain and I started answering the nurses in Welsh. Since I was definitely English (with an obvious Midlands accent) and we weren't even near the Welsh border at the time there was a reasonable amount of confusion until it cleared up about 15 minutes later and I began speaking my native tongue again.
I also sleep talk in Welsh occasionally.
Spirit Delusions
Patient came into the ED as a trauma, got ketamine sedation for an emergency procedure: "I'm deaaaaaaaad" "No, you're ok, we're taking care of you" "I'm a ghoooooost. Whooooooo!" wavy arm motions Ok.
I was given Ketamine in the ED and was like comatose. I couldn't move and was having trippy hallucinations.
I felt like I was floating above myself and was thinking "oh I'm dead. Is this dead? This isn't so bad". I slowly came to and then like flipping a switch I full came back and immediately started sobbing uncontrollably about how as a vet tech I give ketamine to animals and how scary it must be since they don't understand they've been drugged.
Potato Fingers
starving french fries GIF by The BacheloretteGiphyAnesthesiologist told me that as I was going down that I was describing my fingers feeling like French fries, but French fries after you take them home and put them in microwave so they're soggy and not as good.
For Ron
The most memorable funny one was a guy who sat bolt upright, mime rolling a cigarette and tuck it behind his ear "saving it for 'ron" when I asked what he was doing.
Anesthesia can be a wild trip.
The kids will always scream when they wake up.
Not this Menu
A woman was absolutely distraught that she was going to be made to eat asparagus and was repeatedly telling us that she did not like asparagus, especially with eggs, and was politely rejecting the asparagus she thought we were constantly offering her.
To you and you and you....
pending schitts creek GIF by CBCGiphyNot anesthesia but delirium. Introduced the oncoming nurse to the patient. The patient gestured grandly around the room and said "(nurse's name), meet all my friends!!"
....to an empty room.
Delirium is so messed up.
I know somebody that was put into Residential Aged Care because of their advanced dementia, months into their stay it turns out they just had a UTI and once it was treated they regained all functions again.
When in Nam
My brother had top surgery and woke up from being put under. My step mom (whom I call "Mom") recorded him talking about how Abe Lincoln was a great guy. She asked him how he knew and he replied with: "I knew him back in 'Nam". And that's the story of how my brother fought side-by-side with Abe Lincoln back in Vietnam.
La Familia
My dad (Italian) was waking up from anesthesia and kept looking at his asian nurse and saying he was so glad his daughter was with him. And that he loved his daughter. The nurses were confused, so they went out into the waiting to check for his daughter. I was the only one in the waiting area, and when they saw me and started hysterically laughing. I am Korean by birth, but what adopted by my lovely Italian family. :)
All the Gold
I was the patient, but right before Christmas a couple of years ago I had my gallbladder removed. In the recovery room as I was waking up I became obsessed with singing the 12 Days of Christmas song. I kept asking the nurses what order the verses were in. As they were wheeling me out of the room I heard a nurse belt out "Five golden rings!" Which was followed by everyone's laughter.
Turn it Up!
dog salsa GIFGiphy"I'm preparing to salsa dance."
"Stand back everybody. There's nothing you can do to stop me."
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Sara.
baking sara bareilles GIF by Waitress The MusicalGiphySara Bareilles "Love Song" was actually written for her record company when they told her she wouldn't be successful without a hit love song on her album.
Came her hoping to see this one. Another in a similar vein is George Michael's Freedom '90 -a giant Mess You to Sony.
Trumbo.
One by Metallica is based on a novel written by Dalton Trumbo. The novel is about a soldier who loses his sight, hearing, language, arms and legs on the battlefield through a landmine. He wishes to die but cannot express this because of his injuries. He asks for help but no one can hear him.
Johnny.
Based off the movie/book "Johnny Get Your Gun". Even showed in the original video. I think the movie should be watched by everyone just to know the importance of a "living will". (even though I'm pretty sure, in the book, they didn't know who he was anyway, so it may not have mattered?)
Edit: Thank you /u/trudenter... it's "Jonny Got His Gun". My bad, all >.<
Not a Good Time.
Rob Thomas Push GIF by Matchbox TwentyGiphyMatchbox20 3AM is about his relationship with his mom. I thought it was this song about a girl friend who was endearing in her dark view of the world. Its worse since its his mom.
The VH1 Storytellers clip of this song includes an explanation and the performance brings the crowd to tears. Like many hit 90s singles, the upbeat nature of the recorded arrangement really veil the lyrics. Counting Crows "Mr. Jones" is similar. It's on YouTube, check it out!
"where do we go now"
Sweet Child O' Mine was thrown together in a few minutes and the "where do we go now" part was improvised because they literally had no ideas where the song went. The song main riff was Slash's hand warmer and the lyrics were a poem Axl had lying around.
The iconic riff in Sweet Child O' Mine was written because Slash wanted to create something that kinda sounded like an ice cream truck.
The Last
"Save the Last Dance For Me" The songwriter, Doc Pomus, had polio and he married a woman who was a professional actress and dancer. Supposedly he wrote it after watching her dance with other people on their wedding day because he couldn't dance with her properly. Learning that took was was just a sweet song and made it nearly heart wrenching.
papa?
Also Alive, is semi-autobiographical by Eddie Vedder. He was raised to believe his step-father was his biological father and had actually met his biological father several times throughout his life, introduced to him as his mother's "friend," but Eddie didn't learn the truth until his biological father died which messed up his worldview.
I assume (hope) the verse about his mother coming onto him is fiction.
Who?
American Woman was accidentally created by The Guess Who. The singer was trading records with a collector in a parking lot and he heard the band tuning up and panicked thinking they started without him. He ran up, realized the mistake and started improvising. The band joined in. They found a bootleg later on and decided that their mistake sounded pretty cool.
So Deep
Not that it's crazy, and the song is clearly about someone facing depression, but Rise Above this by Seether was written by Shaun Morgan for his then depressed brother. Before the song was released, his brother took his life. When the band recorded the music video, it took several attempts because Shaun Morgan kept sobbing. I enjoyed the song before learning that, but now it's difficult to not get sad every time I think about it.
Smile in the face of adversity
music video 90s GIFGiphyR.E.M. - Shiny Happy People
The title of the track actually comes from the translation of a Chinese propaganda poster from the era of Chairman Mao which read, "Shiny happy people holding hands."
Less than a year before the band wrote the song, in 1989, the Tiananmen Square protests occurred, and it is estimated that around 2,600 pro-democracy protesters were killed by government troops. This event had a huge impact on the band and inspired the song, which was finally released in 1991.
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Twisted
Texas Hurricane GIFGiphyTornado sirens and the roaring sound of a train approaching. I didn't live near a train.
Above the Summit....
A few instances from mountain climbing/backpacking:
On the summit of Mt. Adams, a 12,500 foot (dormant) volcano in Washington state. The wind suddenly picked up very strongly as we were packing up lunch and about to descend. We looked up and saw what I can only describe as two horizontal tornadoes sucking up loose snow from around us.
We basically ran/fell down the 50-foot snow slope from the small summit to a larger plateau below as the vortices descended to where we were just a minute before. We booked it across the plateau to the main slope, and then did a glissade (controlled sitting descent using an ice axe for rudder/brake) down a 3,000 vertical foot snow field in 15 minutes (it took us four hours to climb up the same snow field).
On a 13,000+ foot ridge in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, in Sequoia National Park. Light puffy clouds in the morning quickly built up to thunderstorms as we crossed the pass to get to the camp for that night. We could actually feel and smell the static electricity in the air as lightning began to strike. Again, descended as fast as humanly possible.
Flames
I woke up to the smell of burnt rubber and it turned out to be that my garage was on fire. I woke up everybody in the house (9 people including a baby) and we got the hell out of there. Luckily the fire didn't make it into the house and we had it covered by insurance but it was scary as hell.
"GET UP NOW"
I went to college in downtown Chicago and took the El tracks home after an evening class, it wasn't too late, maybe like 8p? This one time there were only a few other people in the train car I was in and so everyone was spread out. At one of the stops this shady looking guy gets on and even though there were plenty of empty rows where he could sit alone he goes and sits next to a woman. Not 2 secs later that woman gets up and immediately goes to another car.
This same guy then gets up from the seat turns around towards where I'm sitting, mind you like the woman, I was sitting near the window and had my backpack on the seat next to me.
He sits down on my backpack without saying a word. Shocked I yank my bag from under him and thats when I see that he has this weird silver finger cover thing over his entire pointer finger. This ornament finger thing looked heavy and it had intricate carved dragons all over it except at the end where a nail would be there was like a long claw-like dagger. I look at this guy and he is just staring straight ahead, didn't even flinch with me pulling my back pack, plus he reeked of alcohol. I then noticed this other guy who was seated across from us and was staring right at me mouthing: "GET UP NOW".
So that's what I did, I used my back pack to kind of buffer me from him and pushed myself out of the aisle as the train was approaching the last stop, I left that car and had so much adrenaline pulsing that I kept going through other train cars to get as much distance as I could, until the train came to a stop and I ran the hell of of there and down the stairs where I alerted a CTA employee about him. It was really scary and after that my boyfriend got me a taser and pepper spray that I would literally hold in my hands so that everyone could see when I rode the trains at that hour.
Intuition
flee evil dead GIFGiphyRiding with brother in law to help him buy a couch he found on Craigslist.
Pull into a very shady looking apartment complex and notice a few people up front watching us pull in and suddenly calling someone with their cell. Bad body language all around.
Lizard brain says it's an ambush.
Tell BIL and we turn around and leave.
That night on the news there was a shootout because dudes were setting people up to be robbed at the back of the complex.
Gang Crap
I was in Camden. NJ. 1991. Hanging with some people I was familiar with and my friend T. T and I were just talking, hanging out on the block while the older kids were selling to passing cars.
For a couple weeks I had been trying to convince T to stop hanging on these couple blocks. There was too much turf crap in Camden. Always someone or other rolling through slow or staring from the end of the block. Gang stuff.
Anyway, one evening I see this car go by three times.
I knew that was it. I could feel it in my gut. I saw them turn in again and then start to go a little faster. Grabbed T and got low behind a burned out car and made myself the smallest target. 3 dealers died that night. I'm pretty sure one or two of the guys in the car died, too.
It was a damn mess. I booked it to the bus depot and stayed out of camden for a couple months. T was fine that night but died a couple months later in other gang sh!t. Forget gang crap.
New Places to Go
Went off roading with a friend in an area he'd gone to the week before. First we explored the stuff he'd already done, but decided to finish off by exploring some new areas. We get to the top of this crest and enjoy the view for a second before both looking down and seeing about 10 cars in a ravine. We were both ready to nope the hell outta that.
Through the Kitchen
Was in a bar on the rooftop deck. Some dudes started getting rowdy near the entrance to the deck. I could see the escalation happening and I told the gal I had been talking to to follow me and we went down the back stairs through the kitchen.
Two things happened that night. First, one of the guys got stabbed... In the head... Like through the top of his skull. Super glad I got out of there when I did. Second, I had sex that night. She thought it was super cool to "escape through the kitchen."
Don't Wait
Me and a girlfriend were making out in my car somewhere in downtown. Some empty parking lot at night. I happened to look out the window and see a guy walking up to us in the dark from a distance. I decided not to wait around. As soon as I started the car, he started running towards us. I took off as fast as I could.
I'd rather pancakes....
run away GIFGiphyWhen some guy came into Waffle House looking for a piece of paper that the waitress accidentally threw away. The guy said he was going home to get his gun that was under his mattress and come back to Waffle House. My friend and I got our checks immediately, paid and left. We were not hanging around!
Ruled by the Cartel....
I was in a bar in a Mexican town that was ruled by the cartel. This was maybe 20 years ago. My friends and I were having fun drinking cheap beer and taking shots. Suddenly, the group of guys sitting at the table next to us got up and started readying their pistols and they all started to face toward the entrance.
They were obviously expecting some sort of ambush or something. My friends and I didn't even have to say anything we just got the hell out and ran till we were far far away. We never got the story about what was up with that, but we returned to the bar the next day and it was closed. It never opened again.
Are you tourists?
ben wheatley horror GIF by ShudderGiphyWas in Paris November 2015 on Vacation. My girlfriend and I were in a small pub having a drink before heading back to the hotel. Most of the pub was watching the soccer game and we weren't really paying attention.
All of a sudden we noticed the whole pub went quiet, and we saw the news on the TV about the terror attacks. The bartender could speak English and said to us "Are you tourists? You need to get back to your hotel NOW".
We thankfully were close enough to run back and we basically hid there with the blinds closed and lights off watching it happen on TV, terrified because we had no idea how far the attacks were going to spread.
The scariest part is that had briefly considered getting tickets to the EoDM concert that night, had we gone who knows what could have happened.
My folks and I.....
As a kid, the torch from the Beijing Olympics was being run through an area near where we lived. We went to a viewing spot where they were holding a barbecue, so there were a lot of people gathered there.
Now it's important to remember that China was under a lot of scrutiny for human rights abuse. As such, there were a number of pro-China supporters who had brought flags and such to the viewing. The whole thing had a bit of a tense atmosphere, but so far nothing bad happened.
Then, shortly before the torch was due to arrive, a bus-load of anti-China demonstrators rocked up. They started silently walking out holding signs condemning the abuse.
And the pro-China crowd absolutely lost it. There was a barricade separating the two groups, and we were between the barricade and the pro-China crowd. I distinctly remember a group of them running towards the barricade throwing water bottles and such, oblivious to the fact that they were about to trample a kid.
My folks and I ran and left the area, watching the torch in a less crowded spot down the road.
Shots at the King....
Stopped at a burger king for lunch with a couple friends when the cops showed up because someone threatened to shoot someone. The supposed gunman left right before we walked in.
We left the burger king and just as we crossed the street, we heard gunshots coming from the place and ran for a couple blocks.
Out of Dodge....
The finish line of the Boston bombing. We were standing on the opposite side of the street in between the bombs. Thought the first bomb was just a smoke cannon or something similar. When the second one went off we realized what was happening and ran down a side alley. We tried to hide in the doorway of a hotel's back entrance and the people already hiding there wouldn't let us in.
They physically pushed us out of the doorway and told us to find somewhere else to go. Practically spat at us to screw off. We had no idea what direction was safe to go but thankfully we were okay. The initial 15 minutes after it happened were terrifying but we just keep moving to gtfo dodge as soon as we could.
After the Wings
Futurama Reaction GIFGiphyDriving a friend home after a group dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. We pull into friend's apartment and I notice a car following us. They pull in the apartment and park beside us. We sit a coupe of minutes just talking when I realize the guy in the next car who is alone still hasn't got out. I told my friend something didn't feel right. We back out and the car follows us. I knew a bunch of back road and hit those quick enough to lose the guy. One he was gone I took my friend back home and watched her go in safely.
bad vibes....
I was driving home from my shift as a bartender and needed to stop for gas. I'm filling up and I notice there's a sedan parked over at the diesel pumps. Lights off, but clearly two guys sitting in the car. When my car finished filling up I went into the store, hoping these guys would leave.
I asked the guy behind the counter how long they'd been there, and he hadn't even noticed them. I stayed until another guy pulled up to the pumps and walked in, but they were still there when I left.
I checked the news the next morning and there was a robbery at a gas station nearby around the time I was going home. I don't know if it was those same guys trying to take down another place, but they were giving me bad vibes.
I can still feel his arm around my neck.
Was in Chicago, got off a train station and a homeless guy came up to myself and my friend. He said he was really depressed, wanted to kill himself and wanted a hug. Had no idea what to do, but then he put his arms around our necks and put us all into a hug.
I couldn't get out of the hug. I tried to leave. His arm was wrapped around my neck tightly. Eventually he asked us to come with him to the shops, I asked him if he wanted us to buy him something. He said no, he had the money.
We walk with him towards the shop, so uncomfortable. He had a duffel bag and said he'd pay, but he just wanted us to go with him to the shop.
Once we were outside the shop, I told my friend let's get out of here. He started going into his bag and that's when we legged it. I had no idea what he was going to grab, he could have been harmless but the fact that we couldn't leave his hug earlier remains with me. I can still feel his arm around my neck.
An Evil Wind....
Not me,but my parents. My parents were in Thailand on their honeymoon on December 25 2004. They were by the beach. My parents say they had a feeling they should advance the tickets a day ahead. 8:00 am on the morning on 2004,they took off and saw the waves come in and destroy the resort they were in.
Is it Me?
weird leonardo dicaprio GIFGiphyI went to a friend's house with my mom to take them some old clothes. The doors were unlocked, cars were there, jackets on the couch, phones on the coffee table. But nobody was there. My insides were screaming that this was bad and we had to leave. It turned out they had gone somewhere with another person and everyone thought I was crazy. The way they left the house was just super unsettling.
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