Variations on Truth
Season 3 Episode 6 GIF by FriendsGiphyA toxic "friend" takes obvious pleasure in shocking you with information they know will hurt.
An honest friend directly tells you what you need to know, even if it's not what you wish to hear.
Questions After...
The honest friend will follow the "is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?" Rules about when to say something that may be hurtful. The toxic one will be "brutally honest" even when there's no good to come of it because helping you isn't why they are telling you.
How are you?
This! My childhood friend often took great delight in declaring " you look fat/ you've put on more weight/ your stomach looks massive" which ok... yeah I was packing a bit. But it wasn't constructive or even.... nice.
We lived in different towns and after a long time apart - we met in a bar. The first thing she said was "oh my god, you look really fat." Not... so nice to see you, I've missed you, how are you... just insults.
In the end I realized the nasty comments weren't said from a place of concern or love, they were to just put me below her.
After 15 years of not realizing this - something snapped and this is my 4th year without her in my life.
Thanks Anyway....
Fuck You Season 4 GIF by FriendsGiphyHonest friend: "That's awesome that you got to the final round of interviews but you might want to apply to other jobs just in case you don't get it. The job market is really competitive right now."
Toxic friend: "there's no way you're getting this job, there are probably tons of people way more qualified than you."
What you "Need"
I had a brutally honest friend who always told me what I needed to hear, and I really appreciated it. But she was NEVER mean about it - she never made personal attacks on my character, or abilities, and she also had excellent judgment on people and situations. A brutally honest friend, boss, colleague, whatever can be counted on to give you smart and rational advice without unnecessarily hurting your feelings. It's totally different from a toxic person, whose goal is mainly to bring others down.
Malice.
In my experience I can always tell a brutally honest friend because there's always the understanding that they really care about me and love me. They're also not always like that - they're more than just brutally honest; they're also caring - they are multidimensional. It always leads to me appreciating them more as a friend. A toxic friend has a certain amount of straight up malice behind what they say and how they say it.
What?
Honest friend: "That dress doesn't look good on you. You should go upstairs and change. I wouldn't want you to feel embarrassed later."
Toxic friend: at the party, in front of others Wow that dress looks terrible on you. I can't believe you wore that out." When you get mad later "What? I was just being honest!!"
being flawed....
Quiet Ross Geller GIF by FriendsGiphyAre they "brutally honest" with you in public? Pointing out your flaws in front of others as if they're trying to embarrass you? Toxic.
Are they pontificating about your "flaws" almost as if they were saying "being you? wrong, be more like me"? Disregarding the intricacies and differences of both of your personalities? Toxic.
Do they say mean crap about their friends with you? They say mean crap about you behind your back.
But Why?
I think the real difference is motivation. A brutally honest friend is just brutally honest indiscriminately. They will tell you the truth if it flatters you, or if it hurts you, and everything in between. A toxic friend is just self serving. They tell you the truth when it suits them, or if they want to stir up crap, or make themselves look good.
Attention Everyone!
Season 5 Shut Up GIF by FriendsGiphyA "brutally honest" friend will pull you aside to tell you that your zipper is down.
A toxic person gets the DJ at the club to call you out.
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u/captainneilmars asked Reddit:
We know all about relationship red flags, but what are the friendship red flags?
Here were some of the answers.
Behind The Back
GiphyWhen they only talk crap about their other friends to you. Calling you their "best friend" too quickly, when you feel not even close to the same.
Blah Blah Blah
I have a friend who I still love because I don't think she knows how bad she is. We often had long conversations talking about events in her life (her crushes, her worries, what made her mad) and I liked it since I don't like talking about myself for a longer time and like to listen to people. I thought it was a mutual friendship and that she would listen to me too when I wanted to talk.
Nope. We once met for a drink when I was accepted at an art school and I wanted to talk about the assignments we had to do and she deflected the conversation to a relationship problem she had.
We were on vacation together and I wanted to talk about a philosophy in a show I liked since it meant much to me and that I wanted to get a tattoo from that show but she interrupted me to ask a question about the air conditioner, threw herself on the bed and looked at instagram posts.
I've honestly never had a friend that was so disinterested in me but still expected me to listen to her talk. If she didn't have other redeeming qualities and was part of the friend group I'm in I would let her fall like a wet sack of potatoes.
Failure To Land
GiphyOne of my friends upset me once, and I told him the comment he made about me offended me, and he said it was all banter and he didn't see anything wrong with it. After that, he just kept escalating it, and I found out later from a mutual friend that he thought it was funny that I got offended and said, "if I'm in the shit list I might as well stay in it and make it worth it". He's tried to just brush it under a rug and be all buddy-buddy again, but I don't really want to give the impression that his attitude was okay, so I've just stayed away - haven't spoken to him since, can't say I've missed the company.
Front-Stabber
I've had friends that are so worried about their image that even after years of friendship they refuse to be themselves or admit their flaws. Instead when we hangout it's like there is this facade. Interactions are super shallow and there's no room for personal growth.
My best friends are pretty blunt. I once asked one if she thought I had alcoholic tendencies, and she was like, "no sh*t, look at who we hang out it. We're all alcoholics. We should work on that." Then we did. Or one time a friend of mine walked three miles while working in the back country so she could get cell phone service, to make sure I went through with getting a counseling appointment.
Not the most pleasant stuff, but because of the honesty I've grown as an individual.
Take Take Take
I have friends that have been hitting a bunch of red flags as of late:
Only reaches out when they want something or when boyfriend is unavailable. Otherwise you're nobody. There's weeks where I don't see or hear them and then I get a "can I borrow your car to help my bf" message. Lol no.
Doesn't offer congratulations for good news. Instead gives criticism and downplays your achievements.
Never reaching out but plays victim of Facebook about how lonely they are
Ignores/disregards/downplays your concerns ("You didn't use a condom/plan b? Pls go get a checkup" "I don't see why you're making this such an issue")
kiku8Wow...
GiphyMy friend and I were talking outside after class when I realized I was on the verge of fainting. I quickly sat down and said this to her.
She said "okay" and continued talking.
I thought, "Uh, okay... Did she not hear me?" so I repeated myself and said I should go to the nearby Starbucks to get something to eat or drink (since, ya know, it's 115° and I'm about to faint).
She said okay and that she had to go.
She left, I wobbled to Starbucks and then headed home still feeling a bit suspect.
Sadly, I didn't see this as a red flag until over a year later... I had completely forgotten about it. I was going through some stuff at the time so I just thought, "Maybe not all friends care about that or think they need to help you?"
Well, if that's true, that's not the behavior I'm looking for in a friend.
Oh Well The Red Flag O-Wagon Is A Comin
-Self Absorbed (ONLY talk about themselves and their lives instead of letting others talk, basically thinks the world revolves around them. OR, always change the conversation to be about them and their past experiences even when it's not anywhere near what you just said.)
- Always have something to complain about when it comes to what you're doing (IF what you're doing isn't wrong/bad)
- Complains about you not opening up to them and rarely sees your own friends, but they don't make the effort in reaching out and always make plans without you.
- Expect you to pay for her (Not once or twice... but ALL the time)
- Texts you to go out to 'hang out' but actually just needed a ride to go to the mall to buy some stuff while we 'hang out'.
Money Again
"Let's get together this weekend! I'll give you a call Friday so we can make plans." Sunday, still no call or text...
Always telling you gossip about someone else, they will tell your gossip to someone else.
"It's your turn to buy/pay/pick/etc." nah b*tch, pay your half.
Friends AND Roommates
Giphy- Never on top of their things or schedule. For example, you go to hang out with them and meet up with them and they are consistently late or unorganized with something (Tom failing to pack his stuff up before moving in Parks and Rec comes to mind).
- In the age of social media, someone always telling you they want to hang out but never inviting you. In my experience it can lead to being taken advantage of.
- Very clingy friendships, something isn't healthy in that relationship.
- A friend that spends a lot of time putting others down, especially being really critical, and past the point of just a joke. In addition to being very critical/judgmental all the time, they are also very arrogant or braggy about themselves.
- A friend that always has to be right, can't admit they are wrong, must get in the last word, etc.
Specifically in the case of friends/roommates:
- People not pulling their fair share of housework (cleaning, yard work, etc.).
- Roommates making changes to the lease or not following the lease and not telling you.
- Roommates that spend their rent money on a TV or something unnecessarily expensive and have to borrow.
- Loud/inconsiderate/messy roommates that don't even think about their actions possibly being annoying or frustrating to live with.
- Roommates that don't respect personal space, enter rooms without knocking, always wanting to hang out without giving any time to oneself.
Yooooo
"Jokes" that seem off color, especially in response to you expressing something positive or a win in life.
For example, I told a work friend that I lost a bit of weight since switching a medication and how I felt like my clothes fit better.. her response was never "Aw that's great!" But instead she said "you're the girl who thinks she's a size 8 but is actually a 14"
Ok first off, excuse me WHAT?!
She laughed hysterically and said "I'm only joking!"
No. This sh-t ain't cute. Also I have clothes ranging from size 8 to 14. They all fit. Wtf u doin, womens fashion??
Self-LESS
When I first met one of my sisters in law from my husbands side, I was trying to be super nice and get to to know her. For the first two months, she called me every single day. I'm not over exaggerating, every single day. We would be on the phone for up to two hours and the entire time she talked about herself and if I tried to say something, she would either interrupt or ignore what I say and keep going on talking about herself. At one point, she called me 8 times in a day and I got so frustrated I called my husband crying and told him I can't deal with her constant calls. After that, I told her to call if it's something important, otherwise I don't have time to talk to her. She's now mad at me and no longer talks to me.
Walk On By
Giphy5 years ago i had an accident at work and ended up spending 6 months in the hospital to recover from what should have been a paralyzing back injury.
Finally get out of the hospital, get home, and find that my house phone is showing hundreds of missed calls, all from my 'friend' call her up and she starts SCREAMING at me over the phone how i could just forget being friends with her when i can't even be bothered to pick up the phone for 'a year'.
I just hung up, and a mutual friend of ours relayed a simple message "If you actually read my FB posts, you would know i just spent 6 months in the ICU with no cellphone"
took her like 2 weeks to come crawling back when she needed money for her car payment.
Push
My friends asked me to give them a ride to the hospital when I was in labor. I repeat, when I was in labor...
Sue-shi Me
A bit late to the thread, but I had a friend who lives literally one street away from me. He called me at 4 am to help him jump start his car in the rain, so he could get home from his girlfriend's house. Even though I was sleeping, I dropped everything and went to jump his car. About a month or so later, I'm preparing to go to class and now my battery had died and I needed a jump. I called him up.
He vaguely says he'll be there in a little bit. Now keep in mind our houses are about a ~45 second drive apart. Half an hour goes by, he's not there. An hour.... two.. three.. five..nothing. Didn't answer his fucking phone for 5 hours.. When he finally did answer, I found out he went to get sushi with a different friend AFTER he said he would help me. What pissed me off the most, was that he literally drove PAST my house to go get sushi. I'm still fucking bitter about that.
Emily Post Mortem
GiphyShe told me I was invited to a party given by someone else. Was young and naive. She had no transportation so I got pick her up. We are at the party and the hostess came up to me and said in front of everyone, "I didn't know you were invited!" I was mortified and spent the rest of the evening waiting in the car for her ass to be ready to go home. To this day, will never accept a second hand invitation. F--- you, Janet, wherever you are.
Broken Bro Code
Oh boy. Have I got a story for you guys. This was over 5 years ago. My brother calls me up. He's flying out, needs a ride to a bachelor party. The bachelor can't pick him up for whatever reason. Now, this is just a bad situation, because he's flying in to an airport about 8 hours north of where I live. The bachelor lives about 2-3 hours west of that. My brother cannot rent a car. My brother tells me I'll love the bachelor, he's a great guy, my wife and I can crash on his couches, we'll get breakfast in the morning, and then we go home. Why I agreed to this I do not know, but my brother was in my wedding (in fact he was my best man) so how can I refuse him? Also I think I was sick or something was wrong with me at the time, I don't know.
So anyway, the day comes and we make the drive. We pick my brother up, we grab lunch, it's a good day. We drive out to his buddy's house. His buddy greets my brother and tells us that we can go now. I look at my brother like WTF dude. He's just like, "sorry, nothing I can do." But he tells us we should just get a hotel room in town and we'll all meet up the next morning for breakfast like we planned. My wife and I both didn't want to be there. So we left. We were about 10 hours from home and it was late, so we did get a hotel room, about halfway home. We actually got a room at a Hilton, with a coupon from one of those travel guides it was like $80. Not too bad. Also it was, I think, a Wednesday or Thursday night. One of the nicest rooms we've stayed in. Did our own thing.
Didn't really talk to my brother for a year or so after. He never apologized. In his eyes we were both a--holes, it was his buddy's special weekend and we stood him up for breakfast, the whole ride thing disregarded. And, you know, maybe we were wrong for bailing on him. His friend should have picked him up from the airport. The fact that he was unwilling to do that, and completely unwilling to even recognize the people who drove over 20 hours round trip to do that for him, made him the biggest jerk. All around a bad situation. We should have simply said no and put his friend in the position to decide if he really wanted my brother at his wedding. (My brother flew out on his own dime, if that matters. So no, the friend did not even fly him out. Honestly I don't think the friend really cared that much about my brother at all.)
Redditor u/Zombi3Bait wanted to spread the word on the best ways to clean house at life by asking... People who have had really crappy friends. When did you realize that you shouldn't be around them?
You're Mine!
GiphyLooking back all the signs were there, but the final straw was when she started picking on my friends instead of just me. She couldn't stand that I was making friends other than her.
Also I was talking to a former teacher who had taught both of us and I said I wasn't as close to her as I had once been and the woman looked me straight in the eyes and said "good. keep it that way."SunflowerSupreme
One Down!
When I realized I didn't want to share good news with them because they wouldn't be happy for me. Complicated-Captcha
Or they always try to "one up" you on sharing good news or story telling. Never asking follow up questions to your announcement. Aylongfortheride
Oh hell no!
GiphyThey put alcohol in my drink after 14 months off drinking because they thought I was becoming boring. I was trying to quit because of addiction. kobemiller
There is a particular place in hell for those kind of people. Good job of you keeping your addiction at bay. Reddit
War and Peace.....
I realized we argued all the time, and not about actual stuff in our lives, but all this petty nonsense. Like, is this movie good, or politics or what's the definition of a sandwich.
I think that those guys just never learned in have a real conversation. All they knew was having a different opinion and arguing about it. And the thing was, they didn't even like to "win" the argument because then it was over. And they'd just keep finding new topics to argue about, and take more and more extreme positions to get people to argue with them.
So being around them was frigging exhausting. I just want to talk to you, not have to defend a position.PM_ME_UR_Definitions
It's My Party...
They threw a massive party on my birthday, for someone else's half birthday. They invited almost everyone I knew but me because "we know you'd probably want to do something for your birthday."
I just kinda cut contact with all of them, allowed myself to be a loner for a while. This year, my news friends are taking me to Amsterdam for my birthday! pollywantsareddit
F U Megan!
GiphyMy "best friend" from high school knew my fiancé was cheating on me and having unprotected sex with strange men and didn't tell me. I only found out because I broke up with him for other (very valid) reasons and "Best Friend's" boyfriends little sister was around when I was talking about it.
I said something along the lines of "I'm sad cause I thought we had something. I was his first. At least he didn't cheat on me."
To which the little sister scoffed and got a "Shut the f**k up" look from my friend.
I dragged it out of her eventually, but yeah. She knew he lied about never having been with anyone else and that he was cheating on me. In fact, all his friends and mine knew. And no one told me. But I was especially pissed at her. I moved 6 hours away two weeks later and haven't spoken to any of them since.
F**k you, Meagan. charlottedhouse
Lonely is better!
When they'd constantly make plans in front of me, but told me I couldn't go with them. I knew I should've stopped hanging out with them, but I didn't have anyone else. TRHtimmy
Betrayal!
When she made plans with me and another friend, but then canceled them with me and I found out 2 days later that she still went with our other friend. That was the straw that broke the camels back for our friendship. I immediately blocked/deleted her on all social media and cut off contact. It was actually such a relief to not have to work to keep the friendship going. GarshCT
Don't Need Them!
GiphyI asked everyone in my friend group if they were going to homecoming, every one of them said no.
Me and my boyfriend went alone, decided to take some pictures before the dance at a popular place in town. Saw every one of them, without me, walking into a restaurant in their nice dresses and tuxedos. I haven't spoken to them since.lavaflow666
Some people have no soul...
One day I took acid. He got jealous and intentionally tried to make me have a bad trip. Months down the line I confronted him about it and his words were "I thought about how wrong that was but I didn't care."
Since then I don't care about him. PM_ME_UR_LAST_DREAM
No Apologies....
The apologies really didn't seem genuine tbh - it seemed like they saw on social media how much better my life had gotten without them. After all of the manipulative crap they pulled on me and the horrible things they said to my face and behind my back, there was simply no way I could trust any of them again. That's exactly what I told one of them. She didn't even really apologize, she just said she'd changed. I told her I was happy that she was working on becoming a better person, but there was no way I could allow her back into my life after everything that had happened. I trusted my gut and have absolutely zero guilt about my decision. The damage was already done. I don't need apologies from them, I just need them to go on with their lives and leave me alone. beyourownwindkeeper
Making our own choices....
GiphyWhen I was harassed for not responding to a text message within 15 minutes and thus blamed for the fact that a friend had self-harmed again. crystallolivia
OMG! Grow up!
I've known them since I was 5 so nearly 20 years now. We have all grown up and aren't the teens we were. We all have had different sized barriers come up against us and not all of us are flawless after them.
I sadly have realized that some of them aren't worth the stress they put out into the world and onto me. There is fakeness there too and it's not worth being around that much. We are adults now and I don't need cliques and gossip.
I still am around them but I'm glad we are now one of those "omg we have to plan a dinner or night out soon!" And never do. freddie_delfigalo
Thou Shalt not be a Thief!
We moved in together as roommates, and slowly, the narcissistic traits started to reveal themselves. Pretty early on I started to suspect she was stealing from me. Then came the lies. She believes she is superior to others and values her own time and energy more. She fobs off her responsibilities onto others, and if challenged on any of this behavior, she either stonewalls or she plays the victim, accusing others of bullying. In hindsight, I realized that every nice thing she had ever done was for her own gain. I'm moving out this weekend and I could not be more glad to be rid of her. tw231116
Sick to my Stomach!
GiphyWhen I dreaded coming to school the next day and having to interact with her. She just made me feel terrible about myself and always tried to make up for it, but I can't pretend like everything is ok again. chaoticsynthetic
People be crazy!
When she asked me to abort my baby so she could heal from her child passing the year before. I waited til I was 5 months along to hesitantly and delicately share with her And she complained to my parents I was being selfish to keep it.. seeing as we are good friends and i should be sad with her. We live about 8 hrs away from each other. so no way she would have known, however mutual friends would know and I figured it'd be awful if she found out through them while I pretended I'm not having a huge change in my life. That's super deceitful. There were other things over the course of our 15 yr "friendship" that were hurtful and mean towards me but that was the last straw. Suzette243
Red Flag Waving....
When they wouldn't bother to text me back, organize to hang out with me, or bother to make an effort to sit next to me when we took the train together every morning. I realized my best friend of 8 years turned into a self-centered person that hated me because my other friend decided to talk about me behind my back and everyone believed her. Read the red flags and don't be blinded. Love and friendship does such stupid stuff to you 😔 emmypoos
Not Good Company...
GiphyWhen I was hit by a car, broke lots of stuff and was bed-bound for half a year. Nobody checked in how I was doing and I got 1 visitor in that 7 months.
Up till that point I assumed these people I hung out with every day for the past three years were my friends, but it turned out to just be a group of people that smoke weed together every day. Intergalaktica
Pinch me and I'll Punch you!
We worked out together a handful of times. The last time we did, she pinched the roll of fat above my sports bra and said, "aw. we'll get you there." Cut her out pretty quickly. ginfizzzzz8008
?!?!?!?! who thinks that kind of thing is okay? Wow... whereismydragon
$$$ Changes Everything!
When over a short period of time they came into huge money and did not realize that I was not on the same level with them anymore. Suddenly, overnight decisions to fly to NYC for a week was a thing, or going on expensive NYE parties in Thailand, and were surprised when I refused. It drained me financially in the first year or so, then it became impossible to keep up with merely a quarter of what they were up to. Inevitably, we went our separate ways overnight basically.
We've all had those friends, we may even have been those friends at one point. How did y'all get rid of the toxic mess in your lives?
u/milkman1000 asked:
What's a moment with a friend where you just had ENOUGH of their bullsh*t?
Here were some of those answers.
What is a moment where you'd had enough of a friend's BS?