When you first hear of couples sleeping in separate rooms, you might think this is a sign of a marriage on the rocks.
It isn't always the case, though it's understandable why the average person would think.
Society gives us this idea that married couples should do everything together, so the idea that a couple might sleep in separate rooms sounds like heresy!
If anything, however, doing so might just be the reason why some marriages work.
So why do people decide sleeping in different rooms makes sense?
We heard some people share their reasons why they do this after Redditor Dalewin asked the online community:
"Married couples who sleep in separate rooms, why do you do this?"
"My grandfather built a small apartment..."
"My grandparents do this. My grandfather built a small apartment on the second floor of their house. They do it because they have different sleep schedules and in general they spend much of the day apart because they like it that way. But they always eat lunch and dinner together, and my grandfather loves to listen to her soft footsteps throughout the day."
"He calls her “the woman next door.” It’s really cute."
kthrynnn
The "soft footsteps" is the cutest!
"My mother claims..."
"My parents do this. My Mom likes to sleep with the TV on, my Dad snores and steals sheets. My mother claims sleeping separately saved their marriage."
Slav_Vapor
It might as well have! Stealing sheets is an unforgiveable sin, by the way. I get it.
"I know an older couple..."
"I know an older couple that have separate rooms. From what I can tell, they’re very much in love, and very clearly and openly affectionate with each other. Apparently her snoring is next level. Like, their dog starts barking if he’s nearby."
jsffs
A terrible snorer can definitely put one half of a couple in a very bad mood! Sounds like they've found a solution that works for them.
"They both snore..."
"Girlfriend’s parents do this. They both snore and do it to get away from each other’s snoring. I didn’t think it was that bad until they talked about having to sleep in the same bed during their trip in Europe. They were at each other’s throats because if one fell asleep, the other couldn’t."
OverthinkingMachine
Get them matching CPAP machines and problem is solved. They would be healthier too.
"My parents slept in separate beds..."
"My parents slept in separate beds as did my great grandparents. For my great grandparents it was a comfort thing. Grandma didn’t like not being able to move around the bed at will. She and grandpa loved each other dearly and she passed not long after he did because she missed him so much."
"For my parents it was a couple things. As my dad aged his sleep cycle went weird. He would be able to sleep a couple hours and then be up half the night and fall asleep again about the time my mom was getting up for work. Also my mom has sleep apnea and uses a CPAP."
"It made hella noise back then. Dad was half deaf and the sound still bothered him. Out of respect for each other they decided it was better to have separate bedrooms."
WyoGirl79
That should make many couples feel better about sleeping separately. Doing so doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage is falling apart.
"Sometimes..."
"Sometimes I have to sleep on the couch because I get hypersensitive to sound, especially human sound, and don’t like the noise his whole existence makes. He gets it, luckily."
[deleted]
It sounds like you might be dealing with misophonia.
"I am an absolutely terrible..."
"I do this. I am an absolutely terrible person to share a bed with. I snore like a passing semi truck and apparently (I'm told) flail wildly in my sleep. When we first got married I kept waking up to an empty bed. She would join me for an hour until I was asleep, then retreat to the couch."
"After a week or two I got fed up and just went to the couch first. Then started several months of us trading off for the couch. Eventually I just went and bought a twin mattress and tossed it in the office. That became my bed. And when we got a bigger house, I just setup in a separate room."
pineapplesarepeoplet
Have you been checked for sleep apnea? A lot of people don't realize they have it or how bad it's gotten until they get hooked up to a CPAP for the first time in a sleep study.
"He wakes up..."
"Different sleep cycles and work schedules. He wakes up 3 hours before me."
Soumeyab
That would do it. And some people are very sensitive to the sounds of people moving and waking up next to them, especially so early.
"I've been asked..."
"Sleep cycles and she violently tosses around. I've been asked by my commander if I got into a fight when I showed up to duty with a black eye."
[deleted]
Did you tell your commander the truth? Or do they think you just like to get into fights?
"She likes it freezing..."
"My grandma and grandad do. She likes it freezing and he likes it boiling."
NotwithstandingNick
Sounds like they've found a way to solve a simple problem!
As you can see, couples do what they can to make their relationships work. Marriage is hard—separate rooms might just make things much easier!
Have some stories of your own? Tell us more in the comments below!
According to research, couples who have sex at least once a week are happier than those who don't. However, this doesn't mean that you should feel pressured to have sex, especially if you're not feeling it or don't want to.
There is an ebb and flow to sexual activity whether you're married or not. Experts generally agree that if you're happy with the number of times you have sex in your marriage, that's the right amount of sex for you.
Sex can be a very touchy subject – luckily, these people are here to lift away the veil. They shared their experiences after Redditor DavidDavis1 asked the online community,
"Married couples, how frequently do you have sex with your partner?"
"12 years of marriage..."
"12 years of marriage and 17 total years together. We usually have sex about 2-3 times a week."
TheRaistLine
It sounds like you're both very into each other. It's great to see!
"If we are busy..."
"If we are busy with work, then it's once every other week. When we're on holiday, off work or have a low work period, 2-3 times a week."
laugh-if-you-agree
It happens. As stated before, there is an ebb and flow to every relationship and the amount of sex you have will fluctuate due to work and other commitments.
"Based on..."
"Based on 409 data points over 6.5 years, every 5.8 days."
summers_last_sunset
This is quite specific.
Very specific.
But it sounds like you have a healthy sex life.
"If it were up to me..."
"Usually 2-3 times per week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Primarily depends on her. If it were up to me it’d be multiple times daily."
AffectionateBody523
She's probably glad it's not up to you, ha!
"Used to have..."
"Used to have a very healthy sex life. Currently have a 12 week year old child. We occasionally refer to him as 'our cute c*ckblock.' So yes, at the minute, almost never."
haveyouseenmywetsuit
At least you both have a good sense of humor about the whole thing!
"Sometimes life..."
"Together 13 years, married 5. Sometimes twice a day, sometimes twice a month. Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes we can't get enough of each other."
NotMeButMyCat
As you do. Ebb and flow. If you can still be that into each other after all that time, then you're doing something right.
"We have a good time."
"Been living together 4 years, married for 2. Usually 3-5 times a week, depending on how we're feeling. There's some fluctuation based on hormones and overall wellness, and some based on time of year, but very seldom less than 3 times a week."
"We have a good time. We've been working from home together since the pandemic, and we have significantly more sex just due to proximity. Honestly, the pandemic has been a net positive for our relationship, weirdly enough."
Cadwaladur
The pandemic has not been a total negative for everyone. Many relationships have thrived.
"We've been married..."
"We've been married almost a year (still newlyweds I guess) but we've had sex 5 or 6 times so far this year. Yes. It has been two days."
PagingDrLecter
Well, you both certainly know how to keep busy. You're both rabbits!
"We have agreed..."
"Married twenty years. We have agreed on once week at a minimum, with kids and jobs etc we often agree on a time several days in advance. Sometimes more often, but never less than weekly."
LucyDog17
Hey, if it works, it works! You get points for consistency.
"I have a son..."
"Married for 19 years. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 years. I can’t bring myself to it. She cheated and I stuck around for my kids and I’ve been unhappy for years. I have a son graduating this year. I don’t want to ruin his senior year, but when he’s done I’m done."
sepapu
Sorry to hear you're dealing with this. It sounds like you have a plan though – and you'll stick to it.
"Since the second kid..."
"Since the second kid, sex has fallen off a cliff. I think we've had sex maybe 7 times since the birth last May. I actually have a mental checklist to know if she'll have sex or not. If a single box isn't checked, I don't even try."
Remnonaldo
The real question is: Does this work for you both? If it does, then you'll move past it eventually. Every relationship has its bumps.
"I've never really had a high libido..."
"I've never really had a high libido, when we got married sex was new and exciting, now it's still good, but we have a 14 month old and I'm tired and don't like the clean up... but I'm trying because a healthy sex life actually improves our relationship."
randalotti
It sounds like you're both invested. It'll work itself out.
If you're currently having lots of sex with your partner, enjoy it. If you're going through a bit of dry spell, don't fret! It happens. People change, their bodies change, their moods change – how you both adapt to these changes makes all the difference.
Have some info of your own to share? Feel free to tell us more in the comments below!
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Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay |
Sex is a difficult subject to broach sometimes. Even when you're married sex can become a topic best left not discussed. But the truth is we have to talk about sex baby; especially in a relationship. If we as partners can't talk about, ruminate on it, ask for it and turn it down... then we have issues.
One truth about sex is... you just don't always want to do it. Yes, it's fun and healthy but, a long day is a long day and when you're not twenty anymore, you're not twenty anymore!!!
Sometimes you just want to watch Law and Order: SVU and cuddle. Ask me again tomorrow. There may be better ways to chat about this. Let's discuss...
Redditoru/That-Guy-AJSwanted to hear about the romantic inner workings of the married folk out here, by asking:
Married couples, how do you turn down sex, without offending your spouse?
Sex has broken up all of my relationships. And that's my fault. I would just cut it off more and more, and I should've explained why. I get bored easily. I should've mentioned that.
Tomorrow
Tired Tom And Jerry GIF by HBO MaxGiphy"I'm old.and tired, I'll do you tomorrow."
- Nothing_
"Oh! nurse mode!??"
"Honestly, it only happens when I am ill, usually she'll notice anyway, but if she doesn't, I just tell her in which she tends to switch into 'nurse mode' instead."
"Wife: So basically you just want role play."
"Husband: no, no what I meant was..."
"Wife: now now calm down babe this wont hurt a bit..."
Pasta...
"There comes an age where we all have decide early in the night, am I going to eat fettuccine alfredo or am I going to have sex? Both cannot happen in the same night."
"My wife and I just had our anniversary. We had every intention of doing the deed after we got home from dinner. Nope, too much pasta."
- VEI8
Chorizo
"Want some chorizo con huevos?"
"Nah. I already have pants on. And I told you to stop calling it that."
"Cool. Grab on it if you change your mind."
"(For those who don't know, Chorizo is a type of sausage and huevos mean eggs) Also, lmao."
- 3lyri3
Although, one really must watch their ravioli intake. It can compromise everything. When you're full, you can't concentrate.
Bob?
Dance Reaction GIF by SpongeBob SquarePantsGiphy"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
People Share Dark Secrets From Their Profession The Public Doesn't Know | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Communication is Key
"When she says no I roll back over and go to sleep lol. We have a really communicative relationship, so a no not tonight never hurts either of our feelings."
- Spcone23
"This sounds ideal. My ex used to get so offended when I would say no. Most of the time it would be because it was like 3 am and I'd have to be up for work the next morning. It wasn't that I didn't want it. I just really needed my sleep."
Hole Me
"I learned this from my failed marriage. I just wanted to cuddle sometimes but it always had to lead to sex. I have a new BF these days and we started going down the same path. I was just really open and honest. I said I need to be able to hug and kiss without it being sexual. So we're just very up front."
"I'll ask for platonic hugs. He'll ask if a snuggle session is platonic or not. I'm really glad I caught it early because it was definitely a main factor in my marriage dying. Being able to cuddle and snuggle with no pressure of anything else is so important for both women and men."
This is the way...
"I've been married for 25 years. This is the way... These days, we can have this conversation in about 5 seconds with no words. I look at her, she looks at me... and either grab chocolate and turn on Netflix or go make a human pretzel. (Followed by Netflix and chocolate, and some water)."
- klenow
In January...
"Turned down sex with my soon to be ex wife once. One time in 5 years, naturally she had told me no 1000x. Me being tired and in pain from a shoulder surgery, said that I just wanted to sleep… we never had sex again. That night marked the beginning of a cycle of silent treatment, avoidance, and arguments which led to her leaving one evening while I was out. That was in January, she now has a new boyfriend, and our divorce will be finalized next month."
"Edit: yeah, most all of you are spot on and thanks a lot for the sentiments. This was not the sole reason for her leaving or for the divorce but was the event that set it all in motion. I learned many more disturbing things in the months after she left. So yeah, it was a blessing that it happened so early and I will come out ahead in the end. To whoever said borderline personality disorder. Most definitely. Ever heard of a sociopathic liar? Love makes fools of us all. I just didn't know it was by her design."
- Mule3434
No Pressure
the oc couple in bed GIFGiphy"Because we don't put any pressure on sex. Been with my wife for 10 years. We have a happy sex life but sometimes our bodies or minds aren't in the mood and that's perfectly ok, with both of us."
- J_Krezz
Don't overthink the sex. If you want it, do it. If you don't, say why. Communication is key, especially when it comes to the carnal.
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I've always wondered what happens once the the wedding reception is over and you return from the honeymoon. The anticipation is gone of course. Is it still roses and passionate love making on a Tuesday morning? Even if you were living together, there is always a build up to the "Event." So once the days turn to weeks and months and years, how do you cope with the everyday life once you're a hostage/married person.
Redditor u/respekter101 was hoping all the couples out there would be willing to let us in on some "after the honeymoon" phase secrets.... well realities, by asking.... Married People of Reddit, What are the worst aspects of marriage?Ask the Chef
swedish chef cooking GIFGiphyTrying to figure out what to eat for dinner.
I could happily eat the same thing 10 days in a row. Husband says making the same thing once a week is to often.
On the Daily
Watching general life hurt your spouse.
Medical stuff, Childhood scars, work stress, money struggling, all the crap life can throw at you, watching your partner suffering through anything will break your heart a little and leave you feeling guilty that you cannot protect them from the world.
Honestly, even when I was in labor with our children, my husband looked more scared than I've ever seen him in our shared life. He works with the public in the midst of a pandemic and watching him leave in the morning is agony.
Outside of that I have zero complaints.
Let me Be
Lack of privacy. My partner is a clinger and I love him just as he is. But damn I would love like 2 hours a week alone. Just me and my thoughts and not having to share them with anyone. He tries, God love him, but it's not his strong point.
My wife will just tell me I need to go do something. It might be that I need to for beers with the boys, spend the day away or go camping for the weekend, but she needs her time for herself and I get the same.
Learning Blocks
Learning compatibility and chemistry aren't the same.
They are vastly different and having one doesn't mean you'll have both. And both take work after time.
BUT if you can get past those times, life is great.
All he glitter....
Just remember--it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows and magical glittery unicorn poops. There will be tough times and its how you react to the tough times and each other during the tough times that really show what your relationship is made of.
I've been married for almost 22 years and we were together for almost 3 years before that, so my husband and I have known each other for nearly a quarter century at this point. And this pandemic bull? Not even CLOSE to the toughest thing we have gone through together.
Forget the Crap
Getting comfortable kinda means you stop giving a crap. That attitude can spread a little too far if you're not careful. Showing affection and appreciation should be something that goes on without effort. But it often doesn't.
My husband and I had fallen into this trap. We've just kind of existed in the same space.
Neither of us wanted to make the first move to make things better, because we both thought the other didn't care.
Last week it all came to a head - and we had a very long talk about what we want, and what we expect. I feel like we've taken the first steps to getting back where we used to be.
The Stink
Farts. So many farts.
That, and sharing my bed. I want my bed to myself, and I want to be able to rip one whenever I feel like it.
THEM
In laws
Not the case for everyone, I get it. So, I guess I'd say that familiarity breeds contempt. Not in the sense of maliciousness, just obliviousness. Sure, walk by me and crop dust me, how romantic. But this is also the same person that has walked me to the toilet after 6 or 7 surgeries, so I'm not exactly mysterious either.
MOVE!
mr bean move GIFGiphyImagine if every time you went to open a cupboard or drawer there was another person standing in front of it.
This! And if they aren't there, somehow, they made sure to leave the door open.
She Fades
My wife has Elhers-Danlos and I've watched her go from happy, Mobile, and pain-free to barely able to walk without some joint trying to slide out of place. She's always in an incredible amount of pain and it's so difficult to watch her struggle.
Year One
marriage love GIFGiphyI'm a newcomer, only been married for a year, but the worst part is probably seeing someone you love and care for get hurt. Honestly I don't have much to complain about, it has been the best year of my life.
Just Rage!
When your spouse uses the last of the toilet paper and doesn't get a new roll... I guess I'll just wait here.
The secret is, you have to hide a roll WAAAYY back in the back of the cabinet. Emergency stash, remember to replace it after you tap it.
Eat the Pizza
The idea that you lose your sense of self once you marry.
All gifts are to you, the couple. As if we both want an expensive blender? (I now have 3 of them). Just give us money or a gift card then.
People think it's weird when you go somewhere and aren't with them, or if you like different things.
A couple with a different opinion on anything (even small stuff) is weird to people.
Also, couples that allow themselves to disappear because that's what's expected. Not to say you shouldn't compromise or try what the other likes, but don't stop eating pizza if your spouse's hates pizza.
All. The. Time.
benedict cumberbatch drinking GIFGiphyHaving someone else in my house all the time. All the time.
The Mundane
Letting boredom or a sense of complacency ruin your passion for each other. Marriage takes work and anyone that tells you otherwise is either a liar or not actually happily married. It takes hard work to grow together instead of apart and it is a full time job in itself.
Everybody Says....
Other people telling you how your marriage will be, even when you have been married for years. Lots of angry dudes always telling me she will get fat and control me. 13 years now and I feel free and my wife is a smoke show.
For Real.
Lack of sex. For real. And going out loses the excitement it used to have. All we do is just bring the bull with us at an expensive night out.
I don't know much about relationships but I relate to this, my bf and I recently went out for dinner but got ready separately and met at the restaurant (we have lived together for 2 years). It was exciting, it felt like we were going on a blind date. I don't know if it would help you but it's worth sharing.
The Ride
Riding it out when the honeymoon stage fads. Sliding from ecstatically in love, to comfortably in love can be scary and often misread as falling out of love. Its not all blue birds and kisses and a long, loving committed relationship doesn't have to be.
Communications
bla talking GIF by neomagazinroyaleGiphyNow you have to actually talk about what each of you do that pisses the other off.
That is an extremely hard conversation to have but very necessary.
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