Reasons People's Friends Remain Single That They Don't Have The Heart To Tell Them
Reddit user teekzer asked: 'What is causing your friend to remain single that you don't have the heart to tell them?'
We can all agree that, as fun as it's supposed to be, the dating scene can be really, really hard.
Here's the secret: as hard as the dating scene can be to navigate, some of the trouble lies with us. We may not to be able to find a long-term partner or a date at all because of something that we're doing.
But when a friend is in this situation, it can be really hard to tell them the brutal truth about their dating history.
Redditor teekzer asked:
"What is causing your friend to remain single that you don't have the heart to tell them?"
Chasing Deadends
"He keeps hanging on to the past and spending all his time hanging out with ex-girlfriends who are unavailable, or women who like him but he doesn’t romantically like."
- SqueakySnapdragon
Baby Talk
"I always wondered why she couldn't get a date because she is gorgeous until I saw her flirting with someone."
"The first night they met, flirted, and swapped numbers. Then, she was immediately clingy, talking in a baby voice to him, and making baby noises."
- robocop_robocop
Body Odor
"I can smell them. Everyone can smell them."
- not-read-gud
"You should find a way to tell them, it might hurt but they'll appreciate it."
- iciclesnbdayclothes
The Nice Guy Mindset
"He really is not as nice of a person as he thinks he is."
- Rusti3dp
"The ones who claim this rarely are."
- SummerOfMayhem
Impossible Standards
"The people they like aren’t real. They are idealized, cartoonish caricatures. Now my friend himself has a lot to offer in my opinion, but he is looking for a person who doesn’t exist. Hard to find something that’s not there."
- Sufficient-Spell9935
"I have a friend who started dating his flatmate after being really into her for a while, and then after a week or two said something like, 'Dating you doesn't feel as good as I thought it would,' TO HER."
"He basically torpedoed his own potential relationship because of his own ideal fantasy, and to be honest, I don't know if he actually realized he'd created an unrealistic standard in his own head."
"He's been single for the last decade, his mental health has only got worse in the time I've known him despite therapy, and I think he's probably so detached from 'appropriate dating behavior' at this point that he could be single for the rest of his life."
- fish993
Questionable Humor
"Brother-in-law, not friend. But he makes the same jokes about poop and farts all the time. Like, constantly."
"Yes, some women like potty humor, but they usually also want it to be funny."
"He is also very negative; finds insult or something wrong with any situation."
- EatYourCheckers
Living in Fantasy Land
"He lies to himself about almost everything. He lives in fantasy land."
"He thinks he's in the gym five days a week, eats great, climbs mountains, goes camping, and makes loads of money."
"In reality, he's at the pub five days a week, over eats like s??t, went on one hike in January, can't hold a job, and lives paycheck to paycheck..."
"If you were to confront him with this reality, it wouldn't even get through to him."
- Fit_Yogurtcloset_291
Mismatched Attraction
"The type of guys she claims she likes isn't what she's actually attracted to."
"She keeps saying how much she loves shy introverted sensitive guys but when she finds one and dates him suddenly, she's like, 'He's not outgoing enough, doesn't speak his mind enough, and is too shy!'"
"I kind of think she has this 'I can fix him' syndrome and doesn't really acknowledge it. Like, she's attracted to the idea of a typical shy guy but thinks once they're in a relationship they'll suddenly be more open and turn into the guy she actually wants. That's not how it works!"
- Disig
Poor Self-Esteem
"She is so lovely. So kind, so generous, and so beautiful. But her crippling lack of self-esteem is so huge, it's visible from space, and her anxiety (and I'm 99% sure her undiagnosed ADHD) means that when she's at all nervous, she talks at 100 miles an hour in several directions at once."
"It's like being handed eight happy Labrador puppies to try and hold in your arms. I so badly want her to be happy and feel fulfilled but even I find it tiring sometimes."
- butwhatsmyname
The Negative Attitude
"I have two of these."
"One is the most talented, smartest, wonderful person I know and I wish I could pull the gremlins out of their brain so they could be happy."
"The other is self-fulfilling proficiency f**king up their life. He's not unlovable, or ugly, or uncared for, but walking through the world expecting rejection at all turns and living in a fog of negativity is what makes him unattractive to be around."
"So-and-so isn't hotter than you, that's not the reason they're getting more friends and lovers, but they are more positive and interested than you, and people are attracted to that company."
- cool_username_iguess
Just Pure Arrogance
"For my husband’s friend, it’s the selfish arrogance. I want what I want, and the subtext was that he never cared about what his girlfriend wanted."
"He would only go places he wanted to go, which never included her friends or family. He wanted to spend all his money on 'collectibles' related to sci-fi movies, DVDs, figurines etc."
"Engagement rings were a waste of money, investing, or buying a house ditto, no compromises were possible, he said NO, and no discussions were entertained."
"His opinion on every topic was the correct one, and he was not interested in your opinion, or listening to extra facts he did not know that might change his mind."
"He was once young and good-looking, and he thought he could find someone else when she walked when he was 32. They had dated for close to a decade. During the relationship, he had started to stack on the weight and losing his hair and he was not able to find a replacement."
"Now he is 49 and hasn’t had a girlfriend since. He still has not bought a house and they cost double what they did when they were dating, and his rent has tripled. He does have a copy of all his favorite movies in every format: VHS, DVD, AND BlueRay, a whole bedroom is dedicated to storing them, if you can get in there. His house is a hoarder's paradise."
"He says the reason no one wants him is because he is fat and bald, and it does not help, but it’s not the major turnoff."
"As for his ex, I don't really know what happened to her. She left all of us behind when they broke up. I did hear she got married, but no updates after that. She is a sweetheart, I wish all the good things for her."
- vicki153
Impossible to Move Forward
"Summarizing two types of my single friends:"
"Super successful, smart, funny, and good-looking. They also tend to go for folks who leave them on read for days. Their insecurities are their worst enemies and I think are the biggest factor of them chasing after partners who don’t want to be partners."
"Other friends don’t know how to commit to anything, including a job. It almost feels like a 'it’ll happen when it happens' type of ideology and so they don’t even try to make things happen? They act like things will happen on their own? So they’ll meet a person and then that’s it. Meet cute dead in the water."
- thunderkitty_
Too Desperate
"Desperation. From laughing way too hard at mediocre jokes to bringing up marriage on the first date, she reeks of it."
"We have all tried talking to her about it to no avail. The sad thing is that if she was just her regular funny, smart, relaxed self, then men would be falling over themselves trying to get her number."
- Julia_Sugarbaker123
A Want List
"Her standards are excessively too high. She brings nothing to a relationship. She's a walking contradiction, all of which is why she is single."
"I think it's great to have standards and high standards but hers is just a checklist of wants."
- Theunpolitical
Height Insecurities
"He’s convinced women won’t like him because he’s short. I keep telling him I know plenty of guys just as short as him in great relationships, I’ve dated guys as short as him in the past. He just refuses to believe it."
- MichaSound
"I dated a guy who was four feet, nine inches, and I'm five feet, four inches. He had such an amazing strong personality that you never noticed his height."
"I did find kissing standing up weird; the motions are so different when it's swapped."
"The relationship ended for other reasons than his height."
- lonelyronin1
Alternatively, Open to Feedback
"I had a friend who finally did just ask. He came up to the girls in our group and just let us have an open conversation. I'm sure it was awkward and uncomfortable for him, but we gently laid out some issues. He cut his hair, got some new clothes, and (the big one) started therapy."
"A couple of years later, guess who's got a wife and a wonderful child?"
- Stars-in-the-night
It's so disheartening to see the people we care about unable to have something that they would find so fulfilling like a long-term relationship.
But it's even worse when the reasons behind it are things they could work on, if we only had the guts to tell them or if they were open to hearing it.
The Biggest 'Green Flags' Men Look For In Women
A Redditor asked: 'Men of reddit, what’s the biggest green flag in a woman?'
Dating can be hard, but ultimately, we all know some things we want and what would make us feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship.
Fortunately, just like the red flags we might see in a relationship, there are green flags that can point us in the right direction, too.
Redditor poopfaceroleplay asked:
"Men of Reddit, what’s the biggest green flag in a woman?"
Strong Communication Skills
"Fighting and/or approaching conflict in a healthy manner."
"During one of my early fights with my girlfriend (now wife of 15 years), I was surprised that even though she was still mad, she clearly said, 'I'm upset when you did X, because of (something in her past). I know that past event is not your fault, but I'm still feeling some kind of way, we should talk later after I've processed a bit.'"
"It was wayyyyy different than my past relationship. No silent treatment, no hiding emotions and exploding later, firm about feelings while taking accountability, honest apologies... it's great. We still have conflicts, and even yell from time to time, but they are productive in the end."
- broman55
Uniting Against the Problem
"An us vs the problem mentality."
"Instead of blaming you or herself for issues that inevitably will arise, she communicates with you in a way that focuses on what the issue is and how you can work together to solve it."
- KanadaKanashi
High Emotional Intelligence
"Emotional intelligence, which will apply to men, as well. Anyone who takes the time to wonder WHY they feel a certain way instead of acting on it out of instinct is a gift."
"I’ve never been in a relationship before like this in my life, we can talk anything out peacefully, no arguments in years, no insults or hurt feelings, emotional intelligence is the key."
- MolagMoProblems
Random Acts of Kindness Often
"Straight-up kindness."
"I met my wife 11 years ago and fell in love pretty quickly. She is the kindest person I have ever met. Doesn't matter the situation, she approaches all of them with a serenity that I have never been able to match."
"Every dog gets love, every baby gets ogled at. You need some help? She is there with work boots on. Homeless? She keeps snacks and cash on hand to give out."
"And if I'm having a bad day? She will go above and beyond to make sure I know that I am loved."
- Infinite-Ambassador5
A Genuine Interest
"She asks questions about you to genuinely understand who you are as a person, not just what you do for work and other surface-level topics."
- Cammy7s
Emotional Openness
"When I cried in front of her (my cat died) and she just hugged me and comforted me."
"Exes before would ridicule me."
- SongBirdofHyalia
Being Thoughtful
"Thoughtfulness."
"Thoughtfulness goes hand in hand with a lot of traits. My girlfriend is the most thoughtful partner I’ve ever had."
"I missed out on a job at my dream company and she made me a 'feeling blue' package full of blue snacks I like with a sweet card. I’ll have a bad day, and she’ll surprise me with a dessert or a drink I like or something like that."
"She threw me my first surprise birthday party at an escape room with my friends because she knows I love them."
"When a partner takes time to genuinely think about you and the things you like/dislike and thinks about things from your perspective, it’s about the greenest flag I can think of."
- shockwave_supernova
Matching Sense of Humor
"If our sense of humor isn’t compatible, then there is no hope for the relationship. One of my favorite things about my wife is when I am able to make her laugh at jokes that she doesn’t want to find funny, yet she can’t help but laugh at anyway."
- _Smegma_on_demand
Personal Accountability
"Being capable of admitting when you're wrong."
- TheDraco4011
"My partner admits I'm wrong all the time."
- Epicurus1
"Well, she’s right, you know."
- Areaguy
Sharing in Each Other's Interests
"She is willing to try new things with you that are related to what you enjoy."
"Also, guys, this goes both ways. If your woman is interested in something, try it out with her."
- americansherlock201
Knowing Personal Flaws
"An ability to acknowledge her flaws and shortcomings. Someone who can not see them or projects them on others is an absolute relationship killer."
- Background-Heat740
Respected Third Spaces
"Just want to add on to the typical green flags here; she respects your hobbies and interests. She does not have to be into them herself, but knows they are important to you."
"I'm in my late 40s and my wife is cool with my weekly DND sessions with the homies and late-night gaming sessions."
"Unfortunately not all are in the same boat."
- crazyrich
Simple Pleasures
"When she also loves to sit out and watch for shooting stars."
- rock-island321
Respect for Service Workers
"My wife, among other zillion virtues, has this consideration for others and cleaning discipline."
"So we would go to hotels and she would make the bed, remove trash, etc., to the point that half the hotels and Airbnbs ask me if we even used the room."
"It’s something that we don’t even talk about but make my eyes sparkle. She knows they will have to change blankets and everything but thinks that an almost pristine room is a good image for the cleaning person to start with."
- cangarejos
A Well-Rounded, Supportive Partner
"Wow, they are very supportive, they give you your space, they are focused on building with you, they don't see the relationship as you vs them but team vs problem."
- RaidHelios
It's easy to see why these are qualities that someone would aspire to in a relationship.
At least when these qualities turn up, it's pretty likely that they've found themselves in a good relationship.
Dating experiences can be incredibly fun and even formative, but it can also be full of tough and painful lessons.
With each relationship, we're bound to learn things that we don't like or aren't looking for in our next partner.
Redditor Valuable-Ad440 asked:
"What do you think the biggest mistake is that people make in relationships?"
Not Apologizing
"Not being able to apologize. If someone tells you they're upset with you, you don't need to argue back."
- TheGame1126
Being Defensive
"Not being able to hear your partner expressing their own needs or constructive critiques without getting defensive."
"You should be able to hear your partner out with concern and curiosity, and THEN address your own feelings that happened as a result of their words. If you can’t have a difficult conversation without being overwhelmed by your own insecurities, you’re not ready to be in a relationship."
- greengiant1101
Too Many Compromises
"Compromising when they started the relationship, and then regret sets in and destroys the relationship."
- Damseldoll
(Not) Winning Arguments
"Trying to 'win' arguments. The goal should be to solve disagreements as a team, not come out as the victor."
- DoublePelix
Not Dating Their Best Friend
"Your partner not being your friend, too."
- Wonderful-Note9289
"Back when we were dating, my wife once told me that I was her boyfriend, but also her friend. I found that odd. Then she pointed out that her ex never had had the potential to be her friend. They just didn't match."
"Since then, I realized how important this is."
- Lvcivs2311
Lack of Communication or Acceptance
"So many people jump straight to 'lack of communication,' but more often than not the problem is refusing to accept what your partner is communicating."
"Communication skills can always be better, but a lack of understanding or willingness to compromise around the difference in each other's needs leads to resentment really quickly. Once you resent each other, it's game over, there's no real way to come back from that."
- alk6489
Taking Others for Granted
"Taking the other person’s love, time, empathy, or patience for granted."
- thebuffyb0t
"Or holding onto a relationship that isn't making you happy out of some hope that the other person will stop taking those things for granted."
"Both are non-starters."
- sophistre
Different Values
"I would rephrase this as 'people are their values and what they value.'"
"If you want a big family and they want to be child-free, you’re not compatible."
"If you are a homebody and they have wanderlust, one of you is going to be miserable."
"If they are fixated on their career and external signs of success and you are more interested in experiences and togetherness, you’re both going to resent each other."
"If you have significantly different political outlooks, it’s going to poison how you see each other over time."
"The first person to say yes to you may not be the right person for you long term. You need to talk about your values and life goals, and if they don’t align, don’t sit there hoping the other person will compromise who they are for you, or expect yourself to compromise who you are for them."
"Respect each other enough to recognize you aren’t the right life partner and move on."
- Fraerie
Getting Married First
"Waiting until you’re too far in to discuss marriage and kids. That’s an issue that needs to be hammered in before you completely shut yourself off from anyone else."
- DefinitelyNotADave
"Tons of people have those tough discussions way too late. Kids, in-law interactions and responsibilities, finances, living situations, household chores, medical issues, and future plans ALL should be discussed before getting married."
"If you don't have an answer for that now, you're going to have to find an answer soon enough. All of these things WILL be faced throughout your lifetime together. It's better to find out if you're completely incompatible before signing that paper. Or at least you've got a plan of how to face things together."
- buyongmafanle
Helping Around At Home
"My girl has been on vacation for about two weeks and f**k, I hate cooking, man!"
"I should help her prep some of the food. It's just more time-consuming than anything else. But yeah, when she gets back, I'll start helping her more. I eat a s**t ton, so yeah."
- Deads4dayz
"Start now, impress her with your effort when she gets back, and tell her you realized how much time she was putting in. Can't go wrong."
- orionicly
"Learn some knife skills on youtube, it can cut your prep time by 50% easily. I've seen people spend ten minutes on a single onion, smh (shaking my head)."
- DaoNight23
"And clean as you cook! Something is simmering on the stove and you can step away for five minutes? Don’t kill time on the couch, clean your workstation! Then when it’s time to serve, you have only a minimal amount of cleanup left to do."
- Youareaharrywizard
"CAYG or Clean As You Go is taught in professional kitchens everywhere for a reason, it’s a proven strategy to keep things clean."
"That and 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean,' but that one is less popular."
- its_justme
Getting Too Comfortable
"I think it's a combination of getting so comfortable with somebody that you take things for granted, stop doing the little things, and stop communicating."
- Rathemon
"Been feeling this recently. My girlfriend and I moved in together nearly two years ago, and our relationship improved so much when we did, but it has led to me taking things for granted."
"I'm traveling at the moment, and I haven't seen her in nearly a month, and I'm really missing just existing together. Even something as simple as sleeping next to each other, I miss it like crazy, but it's not something I think of as much when we're both at home."
- V0lkhari
Committing 100/100
"Thinking that it's one person's work. A successful relationship needs commitment and work from both parties."
- Mapache_villa
"I find that as the woman, I’m usually carrying the emotional load and it’s f**king exhausting. Talking about feelings, initiating tough conversations, etc. I won’t do it anymore."
- pattimay_ho_nnaise
Having Children to Love
"Believing that having a child will fix their problems."
"Great job, now the THREE of you are in a sucky situation and now are forever tied through a choice you both made instead of just working it out OR separating, both options that would've been a lot less messy and complicated, not to mention that the kid is now stuck between something that's not their responsibility to fix and now they're suffering through it."
"'Compromising' on big life decisions, it never ends well."
- ThanosWifeAkima-4848
Knowing When to Say Goodbye
"Not leaving or ending a relationship when it needs to be ended. Sometimes the best thing to do is to walk away."
- toosickto
That About Sums It Up
"Not 'dating' their partner after getting married and having kids."
"Not communicating."
"Not being on the same page when it comes to finances, household responsibilities, and boundaries with external family."
"Simply not prioritizing their partner."
- vtfb79
These responses came from people who clearly regretted decisions they'd made in relationships or been on the receiving end, neither of which likely felt very pleasant.
Let's just be honest: the dating scene can be rough, especially when you're not sure if that person likes you back or not.
Some people, however, are very comfortable with their dating histories and believe there's a certain "cheat code" to confirming if someone is interested.
But for those of us who have always been bad at flirting and consider ourselves "oblivious" to other people's advances and compliments, maybe there could be some hope for us after all with these tips.
Redditor Independent_Slide932 asked:
"What are signs that there's sexual tension between you and someone?"
Their Undivided Attention
"It's serious eye contact for me, like when they would rather admire you than look anywhere else. It just makes it so obvious."
- GoGoHesHere
Butterflies
"For me, it's not just the eye contact itself, but when the eye contact is made, the two of you are in your own little world. There’s communication happening in that eye contact that you aren’t having with other people."
- la_metisse
The Thrill of the 'Chase'
"To answer the actual question OP asked, it’s finding reasons for eye contact."
"It’s 'accidentally' making physical contact. It’s always ending up sitting next to each other in a group."
"It’s a tingly tight feeling in your guts."
"It’s a beautiful pain to experience. It’s almost more fun than actually 'getting' the other person."
- AllAfterIncinerators
Literal Physical Attraction
"Angling. Always feeling like your center of gravity is shifting towards them."
- thelibrariangirl
Interested or Not?
"There's a regular who comes into my work who makes serious serious 'seductive' eye contact with me and has a smile that looks flirty."
"But he's also hot as f**k. He's just incredibly attractive. So like, just because it's making me turn to jelly doesn't mean it's anything other than just being friendly and having a regular smile to him."
- MangoMambo
It is, Indeed, ...Tense
"It's that awkward, 'I want to f**k this person, and I'm pretty sure this person wants to f**k me, but I'm not sure enough about it to actually make a move.'"
"That's sexual tension."
- Grueaux
Sounds Awkward
"It can manifest in a lot of ways. Usually, sexual tension develops when two people are attracted to somewhat attracted to each other. The funny part is, sometimes they aren't even fully conscious of it, or want to acknowledge it."
"That is where the tension lies. There is a reason why both are not participating in healthily acknowledging attraction for each other. It can look like tense awkwardness, constant fighting, overt flirtatiousness without any progression, and even consciously ignoring/avoiding the other person."
- EimiCiel
Silent Communication
"It's a shared gaze that at once leaves you both relaxed and on edge. It's like being old friends with a stranger."
"It's like an inside joke that isn't funny, it's sexy. I mean, it could be funny or sexy, but you see what I mean, it's a common understanding."
"It's like, 'You've got a secret, and I know it, and I've got a secret, and you know it, and the secret is the same thing, and we both know it, and it's so f**king delicious that we both know that without discussing it. The secret is nothing and everything, it's the knowing and sharing and the edging that is wonderful."
"It is something that is involuntary, but also once you've experienced it (enough), you can put yourself in that mode, make eye contact with a sexy stranger, and they may respond positively. It won't be as good as spontaneous mutual attraction, but you can put the signals out, 'Hey, I dig you, are you interested?'"
"Some people that you have that intense mutual attraction for aren't the right one(s) for you, except that they are the right ones to practice making that connection with. The person who is perfect for you might be someone who grows into the right emotional responses... and that's true of you, for them, as well."
"And lastly, you can choose to ignore both the mutual and asserted versions; the right relationship choices are both an emotional and intellectual decision, don't rely on one exclusively."
- im_dead_sirius
A List of Obvious Signals
"Reading signals is tough, I’m glad I don’t have to date these days."
"But some legit signals I’ve learned, in no particular order:"
"Prolonged or suggestive eye contact."
"Body positioning mirrors yours or stands closer than typical in your culture."
"Playing with hair when you interact."
"Light unconscious brushing up against or touching."
"If seated, leaning forward towards you frequently and/or touching you hand in a friendly way."
"Flushed or light blushing when they interact with you but not others."
"Suggestive teasing."
"Excessive awkwardness that isn’t the case with them around other people. Especially if they straight up start babbling like a loon."
"Awkward silences you could cut with a knife but they still keep seeking you out."
- AndrogynousRain
When Someone Gets It Wrong
"It’s hard to explain. Basically, it’s a nervous, delicious breathless feeling when they are close to you. You both go out of your way to stand just a little bit closer to each other."
"The sad thing is, some people think they 'feel' this with someone just because the other person is being friendly and misread signals. I once had a guy insist that we had sexual tension simply because I twisted my hair."
"He told me that twisting my hair was a 'mating signal.'"
"I told him that I had been twisting my hair has been a nervous habit of mine since I was a toddler, but of course, he wanted to believe I was interested and insisted that I must secretly want him."
- Joygernaut
Obvious to Other People First
"When other people pick up on it."
- The_She_Ghost
Responding to Looks
"When they suddenly look and hold eye contact and then look away. (Low)"
"When they look and notice you're looking then they run their hand through their hair. (Medium)"
"When they notice you looking and suddenly gently bite their lip looking away. (High)"
"When they notice you’re looking and do something to draw attention to their body either stretch and reveal skin or adjust an intimate part of their clothing. (Extreme)"
"Each of the above will make you get butterflies as you know that she knows AND that she knows that you know."
- DragonofDojima_
Trying to Keep the Conversation Going
"When there's a lull in the conversation, and eye contact is maintained while you both are trying to figure out what to say next."
- djpack
Looking But Not Looking
"Catching glances, by either party. The kind where they’re looking at you and don’t think you’ll look up or at them. Then suddenly the ceiling is really interesting to them when you make eye contact."
- HuxEffect
The Classic Note Trick
"When they hand you a piece of paper that says:"
"'Do you think that there is sexual tension between us?'"
"'[ ] Yes or [ ] No'"
- xaradevir
While we'd all love for the dating scene and general flirting to be straight-forward, simple, and stress-free, this thread serves as a reminder that it comes easily for some while being a puzzle for others.
At the end of the day, if you're interested in someone, the easiest thing to do, though it's terrifying, might be to ask them.