Things That Are Killing Dating In The Modern Age
Reddit user princeflare asked: 'What do you think is the true killer of modern dating?'
We can all agree that, while it's supposed to be fun, navigating the dating scene is hard.
But since the world has never before seen the technological tools it has at its disposal now, never before will we have seen how this technology could impact our relationships.
But it goes much deeper than people sitting in the same room with each other while only engaging with their screens.
Seeming to be getting fed up with the dating scene, Redditor princeflare asked:
"What do you think is the true killer of modern dating?"
No Third Places Left
"A lot of commenters are saying "dating apps" but I think that misses the mark. The true culprit is the loss of community and, as someone else mentioned, the Third Place. We wouldn't need dating apps if people were still able to meet organically as much as we used to."
- RedOliphant
Fear of Being Approached
"A lot of women nowadays freak out if asked out even organically. A friend and I were at the bar a bit before the pandemic and we were having a good time and started talking with a mixed group near us. Eventually, groups merged and we were all having fun."
"We ended up having a lot of conversations with two of the girls in that group. One went to the bathroom and the other right after she left was all like, 'You should totally ask out my friend,' and all that."
"Fast forward through the night, and eventually, we are playing pool, and that girl and I are kinda in the corner by ourselves, so I asked her for her number."
"She just freaked out, like, 'I gotta get out of here' style freakout."
"We hung out for like two hours, laughed together multiple times, we're were in public place near people she knows, we had a small bit of physical contact initiated by her, her friend thought I should ask her out, I didn't do it within earshot of everyone to not put her on the spot, etc. I very much can't imagine a scenario where I could make someone more comfortable beforehand."
"I'm married now to a great woman but when you try off dating apps and it's looking like the stars aligned and you get that response, it's just like, what the h**l is wrong with people."
- ThatOtherOneReddit
"Wow, just when you think the signs couldn’t be any clearer, she pulled a complete 180."
"Glad you ended up finding someone good, though."
- SleeplessShinigami
What (True Crime Podcasts) Heck?
"Is it crazy to link the explosion to true crime content and it largely being consumed by women to their fear of an organic dating scene in the last 20 years?"
"I’ve heard some crazy stats about women EATING up true crime content which can induce paranoia, I listened to that s**t for a summer and couldn’t look behind myself at night as a 6’2 male, lol (laughing out loud). Terrible and anxiety-causing stuff."
- Mositesophagus
"Dude, not at all crazy to link it all together. I actually had to have a small intervention with my ex-girlfriend a couple years ago because all she listened to was podcasts about murder... etc. and she was becoming so insecure and anxious, and it absolutely was changing her personality and sense of safety."
"We even had a similar talk about following nothing but Instagram models… things like that will completely warp your view of the world."
- DaUnionBaws
"Not crazy at all. Studies have shown that watching crime dramas, the news, and true crime type stuff can all lead to unrealistic perceptions on how dangerous the world actually is."
- DumatRising
Too Many Options
"The true killer of modern dating is the paradox of choice, where endless options often lead to indecision and commitment issues."
- Isabella_XS
"It's amusingly called a frictionless market. There's no cost in continuing to look for the 'perfect' partner, so people skip over the good matches they could build a happy life with."
"I wanted to add: There seems to be some confusion about what the costs are, and what the side-effects of this scenario are. In a non-frictionless market, there's a cost in time and effort to continue looking."
"For example, if you're looking for a perfect apple, and you can't find it in your store, you drive to store after store. That costs time, gas, etc., costs that you don't have in online dating, because to continue looking is just another swipe on the dating app. So there's no deterrent to continue looking because to continue looking is 'free.'"
"The side-effects are around failure to have successful relationships, emotional costs due to frustrated expectations and relationships."
- CreakyBear
Lack of Shared Experiences
"Call me old-fashioned, but it’s the complete lack of mystique, in my opinion. Part of the fun of dating pre-internet was learning about a person and getting to know them through conversation and shared experience."
"We are more connected than ever before but there is a loneliness epidemic happening. It all seems so cheap and seedy nowadays."
- Due-Explanation6717
"I'd add getting to know them by actually talking to them instead of sleuthing around to find stuff about their life."
- Vivid-Ears
"Totally agreed. Shared experiences are such a huge factor, and nobody wants to give anyone time anymore."
- kkc0722
Level Up: Dating Gamification
"The gamification of swiping left or right on hundreds of profiles based off of two-second first impressions, typing one-word messages, and then ghosting them or unmatching because you’re bored. Not treating them like actual humans. There’s always a new profile to move onto."
"I say this as someone who literally met their current spouse on Tinder, but online dating apps are (for the most part) very demoralizing. I couldn’t wait to get off the app and meet up in person to have a real human connection."
- hobbitybobbit
"This really rings true to me. I was already with my husband when dating apps took off. I vividly remember watching some friends check their apps and just saying, 'Nope, nope, ew, doesn’t make enough money, too short, nope.' It was all based on their immediate impression of the photo and bio."
"Then they’d start messaging someone and obsessing over exactly what to say, how quickly to reply, what did the other person mean by that. There was so much analysis and decision-making before they ever met someone in person."
"I know several couples who met online and have great relationships, so it can work for some people, but I know many more who have struggled with online dating."
- packofkitens
"I think this is definitely it. My husband and I met on Tinder, but he doesn't even have social media, and I only use it to post big things like our wedding and literally nothing else. So not avidly. Our first date was like five days after we matched and moving off the app to meeting in person definitely changes the dynamic and trust and should be done as soon as possible."
"Social media is a killer of interpersonal connections and has created a shallow society."
- IAmOnTheRunAndGo
Getting Paid to Date... or... Paying... to Date... Wait, What?
"If we consider that modern dating is largely just online dating at this point."
"Then the clearcut killer of modern dating to me is monetization. A decade ago Tinder was AWESOME. It was very easy to match with people, land dates, and participate in hook-up culture if you wanted to. OKCupid was fun and based on personality, lifestyle, and chemistry. Bumble was a decent alternative to Tinder."
"Then they all I think got bought out by one company and all started to care more about profit than purpose."
"Bumble, you get like ten likes a day max. Sometimes five. It’s inconsistent."
"Tinder you have a ton of bots and ads and spam accounts. You have to pay money to access the same features that you got for free before."
"OkCupid went away with their great formula and went for a swipe feature instead and now it sucks."
"Hinge could be good but it locks away the most essential, basic filters for finding suitable dates behind a paywall."
- StayWinning100x
Work-Life-Dating Balance
"Work-life balance. People are too tired or too broke to go out and do things. Any spare time and you are just too tired to want to do anything. This is how dating apps took off and led to objectification and judging people in five seconds."
- AShadowinthedark
"Yeah. It’s so exhausting to do anything after work. Friday is just recovering Saturday is the day to do everything and Sunday is for preparation for the week. How can you get the time to get to know new people?"
- beholderost
"Oh gosh, I thought I was alone in this! The couple of times I have started seeing someone I end up completely overwhelmed because I never get a day to just do nothing. I’m too tired during the week, so would have to cram seeing family, and friends, and going on a date on a weekend. I feel much more relaxed single."
"I wish I could’ve met someone in school where it seems like it was much easier to see them during the week."
- OrangeTree81
The Search for Perfection
"The fact that, thanks to a steady diet of social media and brain-dead entertainment, everybody seems to think that they deserve a partner that checks all the items in their cartoonishly unrealistic list of requisites while at the same time they, at their best, would have basically f**k all to offer their fantastical ideal partner in return. And odds are they're not at their best anyway, so they have even less than f**k all to offer."
"And to top it off, everybody seems to think that this imaginary ideal partner should put in all the work and effort in the relationship, including pursuing them before the relationship even starts, while they sit back and do, well, f**k all."
- Tough_Stretch
"'You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn’t, either. The question is, whether or not you’re perfect for each other...' I think that quote is what people miss."
- Believeland99
The Need to Share
"Social media and dating apps. How on earth is not broadcasting your life a red flag? To me, that is a neon green flag."
"The last place I would look for love is on an app. Maybe I am old-fashioned... the instant filtering is just plain weird."
- sporks_and_forks
Increased Opportunities to Cheat
"I've been cheated on in every relationship I’ve ever been in because of Instagram and Snapchat, obviously not 'because,' but they make cheating a lot easier and seemingly less 'painful,' which it’s not."
"I’m sick and tired of this s**t, man. I just want a loyal woman in my life, I’m tired of being f**king hurt. All my friends have been cheated on at least once, some physically and most on social media. Mine all of the above. So tired of it, for real, man."
"Where the f**k did true, loyal, adorable love go?"
- Critical-Balance2747
Knowing Your Worth
"I would say egos, and people that think they have a high perceived value to the point they feel like others should bend over backwards to be in their presence."
- halle1111
"I've been saying this for years. The phrase 'know your worth' is ingrained into everybody nowadays, but nobody is willing to have a frank conversation with themselves about what they are worth."
- Beneficial-Cucumber
Too Many Main Characters for One Story
"Main Character Syndrome."
- Logical-Wasabi7402
"I came here to say this, you know, one NPC (Non-Player Character) to another."
- Tight-Context9426
One Word: Escapism
"I mean, life in general. But getting more specific, I'd say escapism. Social media, gaming, drugs and alcohol. It's all a way to escape reality and while it feels good in the moment, it takes you away from the process of growing as a person and growing with another person."
"It causes resentment, contempt, f**ks with insecurities, and has shifted the point of partnership from PARTNERSHIP to access. We're all traumatized and we're all running from something."
- ProduceDue7659
We Just Need a Nap
"We're tired, boss. Just plain worn out, burnt out, run down tired. Work-life balance is dead, society is mentally draining, and literally everything worth doing costs money. When the h**l are you supposed to meet that person when you get home from work and immediately go to bed so you can be up at 4:30 A.M. to do it again tomorrow?"
- Nkechinyerembi
"This is everything, buddy. I feel this and I don't see my self getting married and for sure not having kids. I don't want to introduce a new life into a decaying world that refuses to fix its older generations' mistakes. This whole attitude of 'I will be dead before it effects me' f**king sucks."
- pixelsandfilm
It's totally understandable that each generation, with its own priorities and relationship with technology, will see a shift in how their social lives look.
All of that being said, it's still surprising how extensive of a reach technology and social media now have in our dating lives, going from people not really knowing how someone looks until seeing their in-person... to hardly ever have the opportunity to see them in-person anyway.
Men Reveal Why They've Given Up On Dating Completely
A Redditor asked: 'Men who gave up on dating, what happened?'
Nearly everyone of age has gone on at least one date in their lives, and we're here to say that dating is hard, if not also often disappointing.
But in some cases, dating can become so disappointing, we fail to see any reason to continue trying to do it anymore.
One Redditor asked:
"Men who gave up on dating, what happened?"
Feeling Misunderstood
"The only thing lonelier than being alone is being with someone that doesn't understand you."
- Environmental-Low729
Breaking the Ice
"Dating apps suck. And people don't want to get to know each other on them; they want to be entertained."
"'Hello' and 'I see you like [subject]' are considered boring openers."
"And meeting people IRL (in real life) becomes difficult when you work nights and weekends."
- jackfaire
Nowhere to Meet People
"I mean, where do you even go to meet people? The only place I can think of is at the bar. And I don’t really wanna meet someone at the bar."
- SnooDoodles239
"Same, man. I go to the gym daily, the skatepark a lot, and coffee shops to work/draw. In every scenario, it seems like people just don’t want to be approached, either, so I don’t even try anymore."
"And I absolutely hate the idea of having to meet someone at a bar since I don’t even drink."
- EntOak
Third Wheel Vibes
"A lot of men are awful for only seeing women as a pair of t*ts and an @ss, but a lot of women only see men as a wallet. (To clarify, I'm speaking only about the people on the apps, although it might apply to the population in general somewhat.)"
- Smorgas_of_borg
"I made the mistake of downloading Tinder a few months back to get back into the dating game (I'm a lesbian)."
"At least half the profiles were women looking for a third for a threesome with their boyfriend (with no photographs of either, ever), a quarter are bi/pan poly women who have boyfriends and want something on the side (absolutely no shade at poly people, but 100% not for me), and the rest seems to be a charming mix of people for whom the most interesting thing they can say about themselves is that they watch TV series or smoke weed."
"It was the sort of thing I wouldn't be fussed with if I was still 19, but I'm getting too close to thirty for my liking and it's just kinda sad."
- medievals**t
Used to Being Single
"I just live the single life. I mean, I failed in the relationships I had a real chance with due to the myriad of mental issues I now work to manage. The issue is I am getting old and the dating pool just shrinks fast after a certain age, so now I just 'retired' from trying while working on keeping my mental problems from controlling my life."
"In a way, it is liberating. I don't have to try for anyone except myself, so anything I put real effort into is solely for my own enjoyment."
- TrixieLurker
"This is so true. After the last time I invested myself emotionally and it left me wrecked, I just came to the conclusion that I need to be satisfied with myself first. If I'm not happy with myself, I won't be happy with anyone. Or worse, I'd share my worst stuff with others."
- JackieMortez
A Shifting Landscape
"I took some time off to reconsider things after some bad relationships, and by the time I was interested again, the whole dating landscape had changed, and I find the whole thing exhausting. Toss in how the pandemic changed the ways people interact, switching jobs and lifestyles, and there just doesn't seem to be much opportunity for a man like me."
- BonnaroovianSky
Another Part-Time Job
"Dating is like taking on a part-time job. I don't have the time or the energy."
- LeiaBryce
"With very little reward for effort."
- No-Knowledge-8867
"And it costs you money instead of earning it."
- Thats_smurfed_up
Too Expensive
"Being a gay man, looking at the straight dating world sometimes is fascinating and weird."
"The expectation for the man to always pay for the date is such bulls**t, for one thing. I’m such a cheap [c-word], I’m sure I would never f**k anyone if I was straight, lol (laughing out loud). That makes me glad I’m not!"
- panasch
"As a married straight guy, I too look on with horror fascination! I can’t imagine dealing with some of this crap."
"That said, on our first date, I offered to pay, and my now wife said, 'Deal, but I’m paying for the next date.'"
- W0rk3rB
"That's wife material."
- Shazam1269
Mentally Unstimulating
"Every few months I think, 'Yeah, I'll give it a try again,' and pretty much within a week or so, I decide I can't be bothered spending my time having boring conversations."
- fork_that
"Once I started having offensive conversations on dates, I found my now-wife within a month."
"The Bob's Burgers speed dating approach seriously works. When you share the bad stuff that you would absolutely need a potential partner to be able to live with, it makes things a lot easier."
- High_Horse617
The Plain Truth
"No one was interested in me."
- sentientlob0069
"I feel this."
- well-dressed-dogs
Too Old For This
"I'm 38. I really want to date women who are my own age. I feel creepy going up to a 24-year-old. I should have been married 20 years ago with grandchildren right now."
"I want to find someone to try to salvage what life and potential I still have left to maybe build something, but godd**n do they have to make it d**n near impossible. That part of me is in ruins."
- Felarhin
Sacred Solo Time
"To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, I was tired of being with someone that robbed me of my solitude while denying me companionship."
- Blue8Delta
An Overwhelming List of Requirements
"I'm just tired. I feel like everyone I date has a laundry list of expectations for me. I just want to be seen as myself and not just 'a guy.'"
- Aggressive_Oil_565
"Have you ever noticed over the years that the list of expectations just keeps growing, and if you don't hit every point on the list, you're not worthy? Like, nine out of ten points doesn't count; it's all or nothing. It's just become so exhausting trying to meet these unrealistic expectations."
- CptGinyu8410
Ten Years' Experience and Advanced Degrees Required
"You know how you go look at job ads and you'll often see a bunch of postings for jobs that require master's degrees, an exhaustive interview process, and then always turn around and offer minimum wage?"
"That's kind of what dating feels like these days. I feel like there's a certain atmosphere of bitterness and low-level hostility between single people in their 30s. After years of effort with no reward, I've decided that I'm done."
- Felarhin
"These days, the dating job market wants you to have a Ph.D."
- MatthewGalloway
The Relationship to End Them All
"I was broken up with by the love of my life a little over a year ago, a relationship which I thought would last a lifetime."
"I don’t have the motivation anymore. I don’t really care about anything anymore, to be honest, lol (laughing out loud)."
- jonsbryhill
"Same here. I can't imagine even thinking of anyone else romantically. It would feel like cheating."
- bo-tvt
This list certainly makes the dating scene sound dismal, and it's really no wonder that some of these Redditors have given up on it for good.
But hopefully, someone will surprise them in the future, and they can happily be with someone without all the negatives features they've mentioned here.
More and more people rely on dating apps to meet prospective partners.
Hoping someone else will swipe right on their profile, leading to a mutual match, and possibly a stable relationship.
Indeed, some people find the love of their lives after only a few swipes and a few days of messaging.
Others, however, swipe for months, even years, without getting a single match, growing more and more frustrated by whatever algorithm they are beholden to.
Often leading lovesick individuals to wonder what exactly their chances are at finding love on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, or Scruff.
Or, for that matter, what the other people who search for love on apps or the internet are actually like, and if the person they've started chatting to are who they claim to be.
"Redditors that worked with a dating company Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc., what’s the most insane user stat or behind-the-scenes fact you found out about?"
Some Men...
"I have a friend who works for, I wanna say Tinder."
"Anyway, the company isn’t important; what is important is that her ENTIRE job is to remove inappropriate images."
"Her JOB is to look at d*ck pics all day."
"Five days a week."
"That’s all."
"No stat."
"Just a weird f**king job."- Lettuce-b-lovely
"I used to work at a dating site in the UK."
"I was on the tech side but most of the staff was a group of young women who manually approved images and text changes to profiles."
"There was about 10-15 of them and the turnover rate was about one a week."
"The work was just so mind numbing."
"About 10 times a day they'ed shout that they'd 'got another one'."
"Which basically meant one of the hundreds of thousands of men on the site has differently thought 'I've thought of something nobody else has tried, I'll upload a picture of my member' at which point they'd all laugh at it, cancel the profile upload and go back to reading about people's choice of pets or whatever else they thought was interesting."- mvrander
Catfishing, Much?
"My ex bf worked for the Yahoo Italy dating site back in the earlyish 2000s."
"His job was to pretend to be a woman, and message male customers just as their accounts were going to expire."
"This would encourage them to pay to renew their subscriptions."
"Once they renewed, he would ghost them."
"He only lasted for a few months due to how unethical it was."- visualisewhirledpeas
Hands Up Idk GIF by Catfish MTVGiphyThe Cold Hard Facts
"Guys swipe right on 47% of profiles. Women only swipe right on 12%."
"I knew some guys would swipe right more than women, wasn't prepared for how little women swipe right!"
"Searching for serious or casual relationships for men vs women:"
"61% of men want something serious while 38% want something casual."
"87% of women want something serious while only 13% want something casual."
"It's worth noting on that last one that it's partially because of a difference in how men and women would describe themselves if they're not sure."
"Women would rather say 'something serious' if they're not sure to see how something goes but happy for it to turn casual if they're not feeling it."
"While men would prefer to say 'something casual' and then happy for it to turn serious if they like them."
"This is why we've given in and added a 'not sure' option in our big update next week."
"Feedback on chats/users:"
"we're unique in that we only let you chat to three users at a time, so you have to end a chat to talk to someone new."
"When you end a chat you have to give (private feedback)."
"Here's some of the feedback people choose (you can pick more than one):"
"34% ghosted/didn't say anything."
"12% great chat."
"11% polite and respectful."
"11% not enough in common."
"8% no chemistry."
"8% hard to talk to."
"2% rude/inappropriate."
"Why people ghost."
"We call ourselves the anti-ghosting app because we notify you if someone replaces your chat with someone new, since you can only talk to three at a time."
"Doesn't stop rejection but at least you're not left wondering and waiting!"
"We did some research with users to find out why people ghost on dating apps, "they could choose more than one answer:"
"43% Avoid the awkwardness of saying I wasn’t interested."
"37% They said/did something I didn’t like."
"36% Was too busy and then it was too late."
"32% Couldn’t be bothered to keep replying."
"28% I forgot to reply."
"25% Couldn't think of a reply."
"23% Too many other people to respond to."
"22% I've never ghosted anyone!."
"6% Other."
"I'm the founder of a dating app."- elatedate
chris hemsworth tinder GIF by lunarpapacyGiphyA Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words... Plus More Swipes Right
"I ran operations for an online dating company, notably not affiliated with Match."
"From database analytics, I can tell you a few things."
"Men initiate contact around 80% of the time in straight matchmaking, and if you are a woman looking to date other women and you simply initiate contact with another woman you have a good chance of success simply because it's very very very common for women to match but then neither initiates contact."
"IIRC we were able to determine that it takes on average about 3 dates before sex happens."
'I don't recall how we worked that out, I'm not a data analyst, but presumably it was some keyword based algorithm looking at chat messages."
"We got so many requests for information from the police that we had an informal system with them, to save them from wasting time getting warrants for information about people who we didn't have data on, they would ask about a particular name/email/whatever other identifier and we would just say yes we have data about them or no we don't, and if we did they'd then go get the warrant to get a copy of it."
"The other thing I can tell you from our analytics, that really shouldn't be at all surprising, is to get some decent profile photos."
"Go get your talented friend or just hire a photographer to take some really nicely-lit well-composed photos of yourself and watch your match rate soar."- jamesinc
So Many People At A Loss For Words...
"I used to work at Bumble, although this was about 4-5 years ago."
"Globally, about 90% of the users are men, so there is a huge male to female disparity, although it's not that bad on a per country basis, for some countries."
"The most depressing stat though was the histogram of word count in messages."
"Something like 91% of opening messages were just one word 'hey', and 85% of conversations were just one exchange long.
"'hey' -> no reply ever."
"Looking at human, digital mating habits splayed out in data science form was really depressing."
"When I worked there, we were NOT allowed to read the content of chats, only gather metadata about them, word count, number of exchanges, but we could not build models which analyzed the content of chats."
"This chat was about food, this one was about holidays, this one was sexual."
"This was due to stringent GDPR draft rules/TOS/privacy rules at the time, and Bumble took user privacy very seriously, so chats were never read or analyzed for content, not even by automated models."
"However this was 4-5 years ago, and they may have amended their TOS since then to allow it, or they might be analyzing content for non-GDPR countries USA."
"Therefore, as others have pointed out, we don't know for sure that the word used most often was actually 'hey', it could have been 'hello' or 'howdy'."
"In the office, we always assumed it was 'hey' due to our own experiences on the app."
"But we did know with certainty that 91% of first messages used only a single word, so we guessed it was 'hey'."
"The countries which had better male-female ratios, which I can remember, were the Nordic ones, Sweden and Norway were close to 50/50, and for a time, one of them even had more women on the app than men."- trias10
What Are You Doing Whatever GIF by gifnewsGiphyPerhaps knowing this information might ease the minds of those dismayed by their lack of luck on dating apps.
Or, at the very least, encourage them to begin chats with more clever than a simple "hey".
Maybe that way, someone will finally respond.
...speaking for a friend....
People Confess What Makes Them Instantly Reject Someone On Dating Apps
I haven't been on a dating app since pre-Covid.
And just the thought of it gives me a stomach ache.
I have no time for nonsense.
State your business or go.
Yeah... I've been destined to die single.
Let's go back to meeting in person.Redditor LuckyC1723wanted to hear what the immediate big turn offs when dating online.
"When it comes to dating apps, what is an automatic 'pass' for you?"
I hold a great disdain for the darting apps in general. But this should be good.
Use your words...
Swiping Season 2 GIF by NBCGiphy"Single word replies to everything with no effort to make conversation. If you weren't interested, why TF did you match."
eternalankh
Let's Learn
"A profile that's just a list of demands. 'Don't be this, don't do this, spend money on me, do this, do that, etc.'"
yensid7
"Same. I want to learn about you. I'm supposed to be seeing if I'm interested in you by reading this thing. That said, I'm expected to make my profile about me so you can decide if you're interested in me."
"Anyone who has a list of rules about me pisses me off. One because it's obvious you're crazy demanding. Two, it signals you have no personality of your own to talk about. Three, you can't follow simple instructions! It's ok to include some stuff about what you look for in a partner but 'demands a no-go.'
justfriendly
Needs/Demands
"Talk too much about who they want and not enough about who they are."
FormalTheory
"Yes! 100% agree. You don't have to declare what you're looking for in detail, you decide that yourself by who you like or reply to or whatever. The purpose of your profile should be to describe yourself."
PhysicsDude55
"Well tbh I don’t talk about who I am in my profile because I don’t like someone telling me they’re funny or witty or loyal either. Those are things you prove. Show me your character traits and show me your humor. Don’t tell me about them."
hungry_lobster
Cuz your so special?
"People who behave like they're too good for you. Instant no."
adgvogamer
"It looks like setting expectations to me. Lots of people would probably be disappointed or angry if the messages stop or are sporadic, so it's only polite to let them know."
"People don't owe you shaping their daily lives around consistently messaging you. The expectation that they do reeks of insecurity."
"There are people who do truly feel and act as if they're 'better than you' in that way. I just wanted to point out that most of the time it's just a disclaimer."
stretcharach
Entertain Me
Over It Wow GIF by The Comeback HBOGiphy"Don't be boring."
Spirited-Ad-8061
"Basically saying 'got noting interesting to offer so I will need you to be the interesting one and do the heavy lifting in this relationship.'"
Trollhaxs
I'm about to give up. The memories are flooding back.
Lies
no thank you do not want GIF by Music ChoiceGiphy“'I’m actually 20, I don't know why it says 24. lol.'”
"Or something to that effect."
benkenobi239
Not Best
"'If you can't handle me at my worst.....' swipe left..."
"It particularly sucks because in some way, the quote is true. People will not always be at their best. Sometimes their worst will come out even if it is only 2% of the time only for their partner to leave and say they want nothing to do with it (obviously excluding abusive behaviors) because they want you to be 100% happy, cheerful and joyful at all times."
RainbowLoli
Oh Girl Please
"Calling themselves an 'alpha."
Nira_Re
"If you have to TELL PEOPLE you're an alpha... you're not an alpha. Self-identified alphas are just men with weak egos and no real personality trying to prop themselves up with things they think make them attractive."
"'Alpha male' concept is also BS."
aviatorlj
Empty
"A blank profile that doesn't say anything about them. Like an IG or snapchat handle... that's it. And then you go to their IG and it's private and their bio is something like 'Not here often follow me on snapchat' and you go to their snapchat and it's like 'Not here often. Subscribe to my only fans' then you go to their onlyfans and... it goes on and on and on."
ami2weird4u
Ok Bundy
Hannibal Lecter Killer GIFGiphy"Those serial killer pics. You know, when you’re sitting and staring down at the camera and for some reason you’re sitting in the car or a basement, not smiling and you took like five pics in a row and uploaded all of them."
yuri_yk
pay up...
"People who brag about paying their own bills like it isn’t already something you’re supposed to be doing."
Owlcifer
"I didn’t put this in my bio but I’m not even out of college and that’s true for me. For most in my area that is an achievement to pay my own bills and to be on my own without any college debt or help from parents. Considering where I came from growing up I’m pretty proud of all of that."
Calfredie01
"I pay my bills my bills are paid."
CoucheOpaque
Common
“'Aspiring milf' I swear every time I swipe I see at least five of these, come up with some original to put in a bio at least like damn."
Jr4D
"I don't get the hate? Assuming it's serious (and they'd 'stick to it') that's basically saying 'I want to have kids and don't want to let myself go after settling down.' That seems pretty in line with what I'd want. What, other than it being too common, makes it a problem."
00zau
Just Half
"Thinking smoking weed is a personality trait."
DEmLilBoiz
"Same applies to alcohol. If 80% of your "best" pictures involve a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, that tells me enough about you to swipe left."
kreankorm
"This. So much. I don't care if they partake of the devil's lettuce but stop treating it like it's your whole persona."
EmseMCE
"I also hate it when people think that traveling, eating, and working out, makes you special. *itch everyone likes to eat food and everyone would travel the world if they had daddy’s money."
JohnyyBanana
Lacking
Bored Episode 15 GIF by The SimpsonsGiphy"Condescension. Focus on what they don’t want/like instead of what they do. Lack of effort in writing their bio. Zoomed in pictures of abs."
tzazeke
high/low
"I’m in a happy relationship currently, but any use of the language 'high/low value male/female.'"
perplexedvortex
"This and the alpha beta talk for guys. My God sometimes I forget what year it is."
BlueAvenueAcornLane
"It's hilarious. The alpha/beta stuff was debunked and doesn't even apply to the wolves it was originally based on, let alone humans with completely different social dynamics."
Amosral
Who are you?
"When they have so many filters and only close up shots from the chin up."
ConvenienceStoreDiet
"All my friends use SOOO many filters and I refuse to use any... and I throw full body shots on there that are super unflattering so you know exactly what I look like on a bad day lol I'm not trying to fool anyone, you either accept my fat butt on low effort days as well as when I feel like a 10 or you can keep swiping lol."
LavaLampWax
Just Go
Cartoon Goodbye GIF by Scooby-DooGiphy"If any statement includes 'if you can't handle,' nah, I'm out. Because if she can't handle me at my most selective, then she doesn't deserve me at my most openminded. Also, demanding that you be original while her profile is exactly the same as 99% of other women's profiles, f**k that."
EponymousTitular
"If you can't handle me at my Scoobiest, you don't deserve my Doobiest."
oc974
Proportions
"When they start listing what they don't want, stuff like 'don't talk to me if you're under 6'0' tall."
TheEvelynn
"I've seen that a couple of times before. Even though I'm over 6 foot I don't bother with them. I could do without that kind of arrogance in my life."
"I get that for some people it is a deal breaker even though it doesn't really matter (I have a few dealbreakers like that myself that I wish I didn't have) but to put it in such a way just shows you're a bit of a twat."
DeafeningMilk
And on top of this we have to worry about monkeypox? Forget it.
Do you have things that make you instantly want to swipe left? Let us know in the comments.
People Who've Worked On Dating Apps Share The Most Insane Stats They Learned
What every happened to the good ole days when we met one another, searching for love, at a bar? Now everything is on an app. And these apps are proving more and more dangerous and faulty. Wouldn't you just love to know who runs these sites though and how their love lives are working out? Also, knowing the statistics of how we're all connecting (i.e... swiping) could help out with saving so much time. Let's see whose willing to spill the tea on the behind the scenes on the search for romance.
Redditor u/brunetteht3 wanted everyone to know exactly what they're getting when signing up for love with these "apps" by asking staff to divulge.... Redditors that worked with a dating company (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.), what's the most insane user stat or behind-the-scenes fact you found out about?Can't Look Away
social media smile GIF by Robert E BlackmonGiphyI have a friend who works for... I wanna say Tinder. Anyway, the company isn't important; what is important is that her ENTIRE job is to remove inappropriate images. Her JOB is to look at penis pics all day. Five days a week. That's all. No stat. Just a weird freaking job.
Renewals....
My ex bf worked for the Yahoo Italy dating site back in the early-ish 2000s. His job was to pretend to be a woman, and message male customers just as their accounts were going to expire. This would encourage them to pay to renew their subscriptions. Once they renewed, he would ghost them.
He only lasted for a few months due to how unethical it was.
Analytics...
I ran operations for an online dating company (notably not affiliated with Match). From database analytics I can tell you a few things. Men initiate contact around 80% of the time in straight matchmaking, and if you are a woman looking to date other women and you simply initiate contact with another woman you have a good chance of success simply because it's very very very common for women to match but then neither initiates contact. IIRC we were able to determine that it takes on average about 3 dates before sex happens (I don't recall how we worked that out, I'm not a data analyst, but presumably it was some keyword based algorithm looking at chat messages).
We got so many requests for information from the police that we had an informal system with them, to save them from wasting time getting warrants for information about people who we didn't have data on, they would ask about a particular name/email/whatever other identifier and we would just say yes we have data about them or no we don't, and if we did they'd then go get the warrant to get a copy of it.
The other thing I can tell you from our analytics, that really shouldn't be at all surprising, is to get some decent profile photos. Go get your talented friend or just hire a photographer to take some really nicely-lit well-composed photos of yourself and watch your match rate soar.
Phonies....
Gigi Hadid Kiss GIF by Clint SpauldingGiphyMy old boss was the financial controller of a big dating site. He kept on seeing these big invoices for modelling agencies and initially thought it was because of the big parties they used to host. When he asked about it it turned out it was just content for the fake profiles they created to lure in users.
Ownership....
Most dating sites and apps are owned by one company The Match Group. They have a near monopoly. I think bumble is one of the few not owned by them.
Those morons bought OkCupid and turned it from something awesome into a steaming pile of that sucks even more than Tinder.
For those that don't know how it was 7-8 years ago:
- Usernames (could be your first name or something else like a nickname)
- Various Free text fields to describe you; also searchable
- Structured metadata (age, smoking, drugs, looking-for, offspring...) that could be filtered by
- "Match questions" that were actually fun to answer and check how others answered on stuff interesting/important to you
- "Quizzes" from personality type over nerdiness to kinkiness (and much more) and you could see the results in someone's profile
- No swiping, you just messaged people (actual messages or chat, and you could switch from one to the other if you were online at the same time) if you wanted to
- Premium accounts were very affordable and only had some small gimmicks but nothing seriously important (search by more superficial details like body type, not showing up in someone's visitor list unless you want to reveal yourself, etc.)
So basically it was an awesome site regardless if you were looking for friends, dates, fucks or were just curious to find out more about strangers.
And now? Real names only, swiping, no search, sh!tty UI (clearly not interested in desktop users), much more expensive premium accounts.
Following the rhythm....
I would love to know how openly cynical the algorithm really is. My feed on Hinge shows absolutely no one I am interested in. And suddenly, the 'roses' feature pops up. I am interested in all the people in the Roses section. But - oh - it's £4 to buy ONE rose. Which is no guarantee of a match, much less a date.
They want to keep you using the app and spending money for as long as possible and their slogan 'designed to be deleted' is such bs it's comical. And you can't turn to other apps because they're all owned by the same corporation.
The 99%
Disappointed Talk To Me GIF by Dark IglooGiphyThis was years ago now, but I used to work with a guy who had been an engineer for Match.com.
He said 99% of the profiles were inactive, and that 80% of the active profiles were men.
He didn't provide numbers but also said the was a huge disparity between the average number of messages sent to women versus those sent to men. According to him, all told the site was mostly men reaching out to dead profiles and never getting responses.
As I said however, this was years ago, so it's entirely possible that they've cleaned the site up since then.
Right ain't right for all....
Not been working but a friend wrote her master thesis about the different criteria in online dating and real life. Almost half (43%) the female participants who were in a relationship told they'd never have swiped right on their current partner. Other interesting results were that over 60% of men they wrote with on apps and agreed to go on a date, would have no chance, if they asked in real life.
Edit: Since many asked about the thesis, I'll ask her if she can share it here but be prepared, it's in German. As to the second point: I don't know exactly how she worded the question in the survey but iirc she was referring to clubs and the like.
Bugged
A couple met on the dating app I worked on. Unfortunately, the man passed away and the lady returned to the app where they met for remembrance.
One day, a bug in the system made some profile likes to be sent again after months and she received one from her deceased boyfriend.
Her bug report was heartbreaking.
Oh Mary Jane
weed GIF by Cosmic EvilGiphyLots of gay guys get banned from Grindr selling weed. Would get a lot of emails of "why am I banned." Go to their profile and will say "HMU for that 🌳.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.