Long term relationships almost seem to have this way of creating their own culture. You end up with words, habits and patterns that belong uniquely to that relationship and nothing else. When the relationship ends, it can be daunting and eye opening to look around and realize your "normal" doesn't exist anymore.
Not only is your "normal" a thing of the past, but the next relationship you move into will have an entirely new and different set of rules. It can be shocking how different things are on the "other side."
Reddit user Throwaway42042069666 asked:
People whose first relationship was very long term, what weird thing did you believe was normal until you started seeing other people?
We'll be honest, quite a lot of these cover abusive and toxic tendencies that people didn't realize they and/or their partners had. But that's not all we're about to talk about. Bedtime routines, puzzles, and face-licking all come up as people share their eye-opening experiences with a new normal.
Checking In
"I texted my then-new girlfriend about where I was and who I was with about every 30 minutes. After the 3rd time, she told me that she didn't need to get updates on what I was doing, and to just let her know when I got home safe."
"I remember feeling almost a physical weight being lifted off my chest because I didn't have to worry about my girlfriend freaking out if I didn't update her. I learned what trust felt like that night."
Two Holes?
"He had a birth defect which left him with two holes in the tip of his penis. I thought one was for pee and the other was for sperm. My next boyfriend was very confused when I asked him why he only had one hole."
"My school's sex ed program was separated by gender, so I only learned female anatomy. I never went out of my way to look at a penis up close until I met my boyfriend. Much confusion ensued."
The Cling
Giphy"My ex was a very clingy dude, sweet but would follow me around every social gathering and get jealous of me spending time with my friends. When I say he would follow me around I literally mean he never left my side. And these were parties and things where he knew everyone as well."
"At one point my friend was upset, so I went into a bedroom with her and another friend to talk to her and within five minutes he came into the room and even though this was obviously private he just ... stood in there. I did tell him multiple times that we didn't constantly have to be beside each other."
"If you and your partner like to hang out at parties that's fine but it was suffocating to me. He was jealous of my friends and complained when I would make plans with them."
"When I started dating the guy who is now my husband I remember looking around at a party early on of mostly my friends that he hadn't met before and I couldn't find him. I asked someone where he was and he was out by the fire with a group of people chatting and hanging out. I was astonished that we could just go our separate ways in a social setting and that was totally fine, we didn't have to be attached at the hip the whole time."
"My first boyfriend was so ridiculously clingy. Like if we were in bed together we would HAVE to cuddle otherwise he would cry and think that I was mad at him, when in reality I was just hot and wanted some space."
"I just thought that's what relationships were."
"My relationship now is nothing like that. It is so nice to be in the same room but doing completely seperate things and not have to worry about each other."
Endless Bickering
"This is morbid but I thought it was normal to argue every day. I thought 'all couples have their bickering' and it was just a regular thing."
"I was astounded when I went into my next relationship and actually got on with the guy and went weeks and weeks without having any issues. It always felt like the bubble was going to burst. Goes to show - don't stay in a relationship just because you've already invested a ton of time. You get one life, spend it with someone who makes you laugh every day."
My Responsibility
"My ex put her happiness on me making it my responsibility. Would demand I stay around and cut my work hours back and then be upset when we wouldn't have money to go out. Every time I would try and leave I was coerced with sex to stay, because I was young and stupid. After 8 years I had enough I moved 5 states away."
"Had a chain of bad relationships that ended, took some time to work on myself and I'm now engaged to an amazing woman I can communicate with, share feelings about issues, and who values a healthy relationship."
Like A Dog
"I would lick the side of my first girlfriend's face like a dog and she loved it. My second girlfriend slapped me when I tried it."
Not Equal To Normal
"Being cowed into an "open arrangement" = Normal."
"Him introducing me to "friends" while hanging out or going to parties and then him telling me later in the evening after the ice had broken that they were actually the girl(s) he was sleeping with. Capitulating to his insistence that we continue to hang out even though I was uncomfortable with knowing this new information. = Normal."
"Him making unwelcome and uncomfortable comments to other women I was friends with in front of me to attempt to orchestrate threesomes that I was not ok with = Normal"
"If you love me, you'll chase after me = Normal"
"If you love me you'll leave face time up at all times so I can see whats going on in your dorm = Normal"
"If you love me you will not show any sad or mad emotion because it ruins my mood = Normal."
Good Christian
Giphy"I grew up in a pretty strict Christian home and was taught that sex before marriage was a sin."
"My first teenage boyfriend and I were together for 5 years and never came anywhere close to having sex. At the time, I thought it was because I was a good Christian. Since sex before marriage was wrong, I didn't want to have sex with him. All my friends were either having sex or struggling not to. I didn't understand this because I didn't have the desire to do "wrong," just as I didn't have the desire to hurt people or lie or steal."
"He and I broke up as our lives went in different paths. My next relationship became sexual pretty quickly, and it was only then that I realized that I was never really attracted to my ex, which is why I didn't want to have sex with him."
Manipulative Tears
Giphy"Crying. All. The. Time."
"She would use tears to the point of manipulation. This was in high school btw. I thought that was just "a girl thing" but no way. My current gf and I have been dating for 3 and a half years and she only cries when she's in pain or having a panic attack. Both of which are not my fault and I can help her through."
"Damn I thought every girl cried like 3 times a day. If any of you are dating a Kendra from Southern California, get the hell away."
Bedtime Routine
"Not me but the girl I'm currently dating said that her first long-term boyfriend would stare at himself in the bathroom for an hour or so before going to bed each night."
- chiefk240
Drink The Gay Away
"Daily binge drinking until I realized a) I'm an alcoholic and b) hetero relationships don't work when one partner tries to drink the gay away"
"Only took me 9 years but I got there eventually."
Puzzling
"It's not normal to insist that your significant other post photos of your face onto an online jigsaw puzzle site because you're jealous they're doing puzzles of a fictional character."
Sometimes a breakup can provide a lot of clarity about how we want our lives to look and what wasn't normal for us.
Do you have anything else to add? Let us know in the comments below.
Redditor AMGBOI69420 wanted all the men out there to share some necessities, so they asked:
"What are some 'guy secrets' girls don't know about?"
Decisions.
Don't be afraid to make them.
Guys appreciate a decisive nature.
But don't be aggressive.
Thank You...
Episode 5 Thank You GIF by PBSGiphy"We will NEVER forget getting a compliment. I used the same conditioner until it went out of production because someone told me my hair felt soft and smelled nice."
LordSwitchblade
Good Morning
"Sometimes when it's up, it's not because we're horny. But don't let that stop you, Queen."
Spiceinvader1234
"I once had a guy tell me 'If a guy has a morning erection it doesn’t mean you turn him on, he was probably just having a sex dream about someone else.' Ever since then I NEVER try to initiate anything in the morning. Is that true?"
LoisLaneintheRain
"It‘s because the body tests any function while you sleep and most of the time that time you begin to wake up it tests the function to get an erection."
Gennerig_LP
Back Up...
"Nice try honey, I still won’t tell you where I keep my snacks."
XxLongoTxX
"Oh, I found them. Days before I was silently soaking in the glory of my private eye skills while we watched (XYZ) on Netflix, and relishing over the fact that the joys of your deceit will soon evaporate into the void during the exact moment you discover you’ve been left with only the lemon flavored ones."
TheOGPotatoPredator
And you are?
"Dudes can be friends for years and not know each other's real name."
theonetrueemanu
"I've lived in my house for 2 years. I chat with my neighbor just about every day when leaving for work. I didn't want to ask him his name so I looked up the property records to find out that information."
ku_chi_mun_chin
"I worked in a grocery store with a guy who went by his middle name. I went by a nickname completely unrelated to my name. We both found out we didn't know each other's real names until 2 years after we started working together."
Funkeysismychildhood
Breathe
Tuesday Morning Reaction GIF by The Secret Life Of PetsGiphy"That big sigh my wife just asked about while we’re watching the 10 o’clock news? Nothing profound, nothing bugging me, I just remembered to breathe."
Gudakesa
Breathing is everything. It can change every moment.
What Up?
houston rockets yo GIF by TwitterGiphy"We have an entire language around the headnod."
baka2k10
"It’s weirdly sophisticated too. You can actually tell how comfortable guys are around each other based on if they say hello with an up-nod or a down-nod."
Juxta_Lightborne
Fake it until...
"Sometimes, that male confidence that you find attractive is us totally faking it while shaking on the inside, insecure AF."
Ok_Technology390
"I just had this exact conversation with my husband the other day. I was telling him how he seems so confident and I would never guess that he's really nervous or that he's not sure of himself."
"I would've never dreamed he gets all nervous and all that good stuff still to this day with me. I don't feel like it's still sunk in completely bc I was so shocked at how nervous he was explaining he'd get at times lol so props to the guys who fake it til they make it. Keep on bc you're doing a good job 💯."
Exciting-Courage4148
Stay Calm
"We don’t want to tell you certain things are worrying us because we do not want you to worry also… now there are just two people worrying, whereas before, one was worrying, and the other was happy, which is a reminder to us not to worry so much."
Mundane_Tour_3215
"It's a bit different if the person you're telling can do something about the issue, but for something currently unsolvable there's no reason to extend the misery to anyone else."
Zncon
Just say it!
"Please for the love of God let us know if you’re into us. Don’t wait for us to tell you first because we won’t because we don’t want to be called creeps."
Wunderbolts
"My current partner and I used to flirt and talk through text all day, every day for months before I told our best friends. I was so into him, but unsure how he felt. My girlfriend was like: he’s usually just like that; he’s friendly with all of our other friends that are girls and would even ask me if I wanted to stream things with him when [her bf and his best friend] was at work."
"So I put that to rest. But then his friend helped a little bit by interfering and he was nonchalant about his feelings for me to him. When I got the green light I should just do it, I admitted my feelings for him. We’re close to celebrating a year in our LDR. We met in person for the first time a couple of months ago and he’s coming here soon. Best decision of my life to just say how I was feeling."
emeraldpotion
So many secrets.
So many truths.
Lesson? Try not to worry.