Okay so normally this is the part of the article where I have some relevant story to tell about what you're about to read. Not this time. I've never been a zookeeper, though I did really want to be when I was younger. The closest I got was working at an exotic animal vet's office - and mostly that just involved a lot of rabbit poop.
Reddit user @lukavwolf asked:
Yeah, these stories are WAY better than any of the ones I have to tell. I mean, do you really want to hear about the time I got felt up by a skunk when you can read stories about people slipping drugs to monkeys by slipping them into a wine cooler? Monkeys drink wine coolers?!?!
Psh, yeah they do... read on, my friends.
My teacher in high school was a zookeeper. He told us a story once about when he was cleaning the penguin enclosure. Apparently male penguins will build up piles of rocks and whoever has the biggest pile is the most wanted penguin for the females to mate with. So one day my teacher was cleaning the enclosure and this one penguin used to always try to bite him and he bit him pretty hard that day so my teacher just kicked his pile down.
He said that everything after that happened in slow motions, he looked at the penguin, the penguin looked at him, all of the other penguins were staring at the rocks on the ground and then all of a sudden they all lunged for the rocks and the original penguin didn't have any more rocks.
Not a "zoo keeper", but was a primary zoologist for an "environmental learning center"
I had some nature items on display on a table while I was holding a barn owl, giving a talk about it. A couple of the objects are fairly valuable in that they are difficult or illegal to acquire; like a gopher turtle shell, drained vulture egg shell, fox skull, etc.. Some kid decides he wants to take some nature home so he slips a porcupine quill in his pocket, pointy end down, with the rest of it tucked under his shirt.
Now, if you don't know anything about porcupine quills you might think of them as just long points. This is not true. At the pointy end of a porcupine quill is a point - but there are also barbs. The barbs hook into the skin and make them difficult and painful to remove. Most animals need to be totally sedated to have it done, it's that painful.
Back to our young and hapless thief. When he goes to sit down, the quill he stole stabs him in the penis through the inside of his pocket. I remember the squealing like it was yesterday.
I volunteered at a petting zoo once, and I will never forget it. This little girl wanted to hold one of the ducklings we had, and we do let guests hold the small animals so long as they're sitting and gentle. So I bring the the duckling and being gentle with it.
Suddenly a little boy (likely her brother) runs up and appears to grab and bite the head off the duckling, and I was completely unable to react (how are you supposed to react to that?!) I was about the faint when he yells, "HA GOT YOU" and pull a glob of feathers covered in what I can assume was ketchup out of his mouth... the duckling was still in the girls arms, and she was laughing. I never volunteered at a petting zoo again.
"We Don't Eat That"
I worked Visitor Education at the New England Aquarium in Boston for a few years, so close enough.
So we had a touch tank called "Edge of the Sea" like most aquariums. It's full of tide pool animals; crustaceans, a few small flounder, and seastars (not starfish, they aren't fish but echinoderms!)
One day, this little kid took a sea star out of the tank, and put it in his pocket. Then he ran away. I was working the exhibit alone. A field trip came right up after the sea star was taken. I quickly grabbed the microphone and told everyone not to touch anything for a moment.
I ran to the next exhibit and greeted the kids mother. I told her what happened and she asked him to give back the animal. Out of nowhere, the kid takes a bite out of the sea star, spits it out and says "yuck" and then whips the rest of the animal against the wall. Mom? She just kind of weakly went "noooooo we don't eat that" to the kid.
I grabbed the body and leg. Sea Stars grow back from both. They survived.
Covered In Animal Blood
One time I was working at a museum with a live animal exhibit and a protester covered herself in animal blood. She tried to run into the building and got clothes-lined by a security guard.
Put The Tortoise Down
Had a guy try to pick up our African Spurred Tortoise (about 100lbs) that we let roam freely to show his kid he could do it, and got pissed when I told him to put the tortoise down.
Oh, and he called back later complaining that picking up the tortoise injured his back.
Valium In A Wine CoolerGiphy
I was a keeper and tour guide at a small zoo in Oklahoma and one day when I was cleaning up the barnyard I looked up and out towards the monkey enclosures and thought..."huh, that looks like a monkey walking along that fence...." and almost immediately realized who it was and what was going on. Got on the radio and alerted the entire place to the fact that one of our more dangerous capuchins was out and wondering the facility.
Moses, as the story goes, was rescued from a travelling circus after he had witnessed his owner being bludgeoned to death. We had to be very, very careful around him. He was violent and aggressive and it was instant chaos. Capuchins may be small but they are absolutely capable of maiming someone.
We escorted all the guests off property and after several hours of him approaching us and looking in the pockets of petrified zookeepers for treats, he was finally captured and put back into his enclosure.
It only took a couple of Valium in a wine cooler to make it happen, but that was by far one of the more frightening experiences I had there.
Used to work at a zoo teaching summer camps. Many of the chimps were rescues from shows and weren't very wild or shy, so would sit close to the edge of the enclosure near visitors. A couple teens were tossing rocks at them, and one chimp scooped one up that landed close by and just whipped it back. Guess what animal has better aim and can throw a hell of a lot harder than a 14 year old? Yep.
Thankfully this was in the early 90's before people sued for everything.
Out Of Funding
Worked at a zoo during one of the government shutdowns. A lady became convinced that we had run out of funding to feed the animals. She bought a bunch of meat from the grocery store and threw it, still wrapped in plastic and Styrofoam, into the lion enclosure. She got arrested and we had to quarantine the lion who ate the meat for a while.
Not really crazy, more amusing. Volunteered at a zoo, preparing the monkeys' and small apes' diets—chopping up mostly fruits, veggies, canned primate diet and insects/mealworms. I was alone in the monkey house one day, chopping away, when I got that feeling that I was being watched. We had a pair of white cheeked gibbons (found in SE Asia), and I looked up to find the female hanging from her branches, with her legs spread in what looked like a cheerleader's split and the male behind her as they mated. He was busy with the task at hand, but she was staring at me intently (probably because I was making her breakfast). She just kept staring without blinking. She didn't even seem to notice when her boyfriend was finished, she just kept staring. I went back to my chopping, and she eventually lost interest. koookoookachoo
I used to work at Sea World at the Sea Lion and Otter show. One of the young Walruses was named Kabuto and he liked to climb over the edge and waddle into the walkway in front of the crowds.
The early morning Flamingo chase was always fun because the Flamingos would always escape their enclosures. JCarnacki
Not a zookeeper, an animal rescuer who used to run a shelter. It was a poorer country and those of us with shelters tended to know/visit each other. Because of the poverty, conditions were bad, and crowding was a real issue. Probably the craziest was also the woman who had been at it longest (which made perfect sense to anyone who understood the conditions). She had over 400 dogs crowded into a space that was about the size of a US suburban back yard. Yes, it was crowded, but every one of those dogs had a name, loved that woman, and, eventually, got rehomed in a richer country through the good offices of another woman who had connections. Katya, I will never forget the amazing job you did, and Christine, you are a truly wonderful woman.
All Hail Katya!
Not a zookeeper, an animal rescuer who used to run a shelter. It was a poorer country and those of us with shelters tended to know/visit each other. Because of the poverty, conditions were bad, and crowding was a real issue. Probably the craziest was also the woman who had been at it longest (which made perfect sense to anyone who understood the conditions). She had over 400 dogs crowded into a space that was about the size of a US suburban back yard. Yes, it was crowded, but every one of those dogs had a name, loved that woman, and, eventually, got re-homed in a richer country through the good offices of another woman who had connections. Katya, I will never forget the amazing job you did, and Christine, you are a truly wonderful woman. BoredBeforeMyTime
Volunteered at a small nature exhibit, showcasing local animals. Mostly reptiles and insects, because they're easiest to house and clean up after. One exhibit had a few rattlesnakes, because they help attract visitors. Was told about how one of the volunteers would give impromptu bare-handed snake handling demonstrations with the rattlesnakes, grabbing one and bringing it out of the cage, even though there are well-posted rules against it. (Staff was in very short supply, so nobody else noticed, and this went on for a couple of weeks.) He thought he knew how to handle the snakes so he wouldn't get bit. Well, you know what happened... Luckily, the snake wasn't going for a kill bite, but just a little "hands off, buster" nip. He was able to get the snake back into the exhibit and the lock on, before having a buddy rush him to the hospital. He was still in great pain for a few days and lost just a couple of tablespoons of arm. twfeline
Little red Riding Hood you are NOT!
I work at an ecology center, so similar to a zoo and I once saw three grown men try to feed the black bears honey (one of them is named Pooh). Now, the bears were clearly hibernating, so I don't know what their goal was. All they did was get honey all over their hands and got kicked out. CStarling4
Went to Costa Rica for an ecology program, was studying sea turtles and marking where they laid their eggs. I spotted a turtle and my group went over to watch and measure and tag her. When we got close we saw that she had a fin growing out of her left back fin. It was really weird. lilchey99
I once volunteered alongside zookeepers at one of the best rated zoos in the U.S. My favorite part was that there was a kangaroo escape plan hanging up behind part of the children's zoo. There was a HUGE net and some other supplies along with detailed instructions. Apparently the kangaroos had escaped at one point and getting them back was complete hell. INeverKnowTheLyrics
Not quite a zookeeper, but I train animals at an educational facility. The craziest thing I see on the regular is this really interesting phenomenon where completely literate adults suddenly forget how to read. The sign says "please stay on the path?" Surely that doesn't apply to me. The sign says "please do not put hands inside the enclosures or harass the ambassadors?" Better stick my hand in, yell, and wave! Immediately followed by "why does that bird look so scared?" Ummm, it's because you're harassing her. /rant. tendencytodream
Please Don't Shoot!
Not a zookeeper but used to work with primates. Our alpha male primates got very attached to their female handlers/caretakers. Onsite veterinarian didn't believe me when I said that they started to furiously masturbate any time female handlers walked into their habitat.
When I finally got him to come observe morning feedings, he referred to it as "a shooting gallery." retroverted_uterus
Even if it's just for one growing season, everyone should grow all the food they eat. Or as much of it as they can.
Because it's REALLY FREAKING HARD AND PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW.
Knowing how much work it takes to get one stupid little plate of salad might seriously change the way people relate to food, the land, water rights... just about everything changes when you understand the effort and balance it takes just for survival.
Reddit User bartertownbeer11 asked
"What should everyone learn how to do?"
You have my thoughts, let's see what Reddit says.
SwimmingCat Swimming GIF by ViralHogGiphy
"Swim There’s no downside to knowing and it could save your life"
"You don't need to be an expert swimmer, but everyone should be able to swim at least a little. A terrible number of people (of all ages) drown every year despite being a very short swim to safety."
"My dad who could not swim made sure us kids knew how to swim. I made sure my kids could too."
"May I add: if you do not know how to swim, take a very deep breath and relax completely. Spread your arms and legs and just let your body relax completely. Once you found out that the human body actually floats start breathing slowly. No one I know knew that and everybody is amazed how my lazy butt just floats around without me doing anything. Found out through pure distilled laziness."
"It's no alternative to learning how to swim! Learn how to swim! There are very few humans who are not able to float, due to body density. Most humans, however can learn it. Try it, it might come in handy one day."
You Need To EatHomer Simpson Cooking GIFGiphy
"Cook. Even if you hate cooking you love to eat, cooking is an essential life skill. If it’s only one dish you know how to make, that’s still a meal you can prepare yourself."
"I totally agree. I know so many people who have no clue how to cook anything despite being perfectly capable of it. People are so scared of it when it's simply following directions"
"As everything in life, practice makes perfect."
"Most people I know who can’t cook, have never really tried"
"Even if you hate eating, you still have to eat. Cooking means you can take care of yourself."
One Important Word
"How to say No without any hesitation"
"I agree, it’s completely okay to say no but some people feel that pressure to say yes"
"I have such a hard time with this when my only reason is "I don't feel like it." I can't accept that as a legitimate reason to say no so I just do whatever it is."
"Go read Miss Manners. No is not only OK, it is polite. You don't need to provide a reason. Internalize that anyone demanding a reason is the rude one, not you."
"I'm not joking when I say that, if you can, practice."
"Small things, big things, f**k it have a mate roleplay any scenario with you and you tell them no."
"I've gotten better at it since I told my mum I struggle to say no and she actually had me practice there and then with her."
"it’s okay to say no, because it’s very important to say no. if someone asks you why, they’re not worth it because if you say no they don’t need a reason why."
"I dragged my best friend with me when I had to get CPR certification because I wanted to be able to partner up with someone else that I knew. She was reluctant but eventually caved and did it."
"Her learning CPR saved my life. You learning CPR could save someone else's life. Go learn it."
"I worked at a homeless camp and someone overdosed on heroin. The 911 operator explained to my co-worker who explained to me how to do CPR while another resident of the homeless shelter administered narcan."
"We were extremely lucky that we got through to the 911 operator very quickly, and that he was able to communicate so quickly and effectively how to perform CPR. That 911 operator saved that woman's life, had he not come on the phone so quickly, she would have died. Learn CPR, you absolutely have to learn CPR because you can save someone's life with it."
"We got lucky is what I'm saying. Don't depend on luck, learn CPR. Right now."
"I learned CPR at work and a week later saved my mom's life when she was choking on food. Best 30 minutes at work I've ever spent!"
"The high school I go to makes us do a CPR lesson every time we get our athletic physical. If you’re getting the physical on campus and not from your PCP, you have to practice CPR with a paramedic before you leave the building, I think it’s great."
Spot The ScammerJohn Lithgow Reaction GIF by LaffGiphy
"Learn how to spot a scam, especially in emails and phone calls."
"Definitely a skill worth learning. I've gotten pretty good. But recently my friend's elderly mother got one of those robocalls asking her to enter in her credit card number and she did it. It's a good skill to learn in this day and age."
"I recently ordered something from Home Depot online and now I'm getting fake emails saying I've won a power drill, BBQ, etc. They look like they are originating from Home Depot, but just looking at the actual email address it's sent from shows that it's a scam. One was an address from Perdue university."
"So if someone is trying to give you something for free, be suspicious. And just check the sending address at least."
"I got a scam email from “Paypal” from a scammer on Facebook Marketplace trying to get an expensive item without paying. They said that Paypal would give me the money after I shipped the item to them and inputed the “shipping verification”. They even sent a fake Paypal email saying the money was pending. The email address was a @gmail instead of @paypal though, so good thing I didn’t fall for that."
Sewsew sewing machine GIF by US National ArchivesGiphy
"For something thats less obvious/most people learn how to do one way or another anyway, I'd say basic sewing."
"Maybe it was just from my experience working at a craft store but a lot of people don't seem know how to do the basic sh*t like, sewing on a button, applying a patch, stopping a frey before it completely unravels, or hemming pants/sleeves. People could keep their clothes much longer or avoid paying a tailor for basic services if they just watched a few youtube vids lol."
"I decided to learn some basic tailoring because i was sick of every shirt being so big in the gut. Its surprisingly easy to just take in the side seam a bit and makes the shirts look so much better"
"Came here to post this. Learned it in Home Ec in high school and has helped me soooo many times."
"Even if it's a tomato plant, some green beans in a pot, or some herbs, home grown food tastes better than store bought, and tending to a garden, no matter how small, reduces stress."
"My needy a$ dying plant stresses me the fuck out…"
"To be fair, house and container plants tend to be much more high maintenance than plants you put in the ground. Plants are meant to be in the ground and many food plants are fairly versatile/adaptive in their soil/water needs."
"Once it's in a container though, it's tough to figure out exactly how much water it needs, and there's a finite amount of soil that doesn't replenish itself with nutrients naturally so you have to do that for it (not a bad idea for a garden either, but more nessecary.) And house plants tend to be lower light needing plants which means they'reore likely to need unusual soil types. Drainage is also more important because everything is contained in that small (as compared to the ground) pot."
"The only plant care bonus for potted plants is that yoy can adjust the amount of light they're getting much more easily than plants that are stuck in the ground."
Basic Maintenancecar repair GIFGiphy
"Change a tire and car battery."
"Adding on, learning how to check oil as well. It takes two seconds to learn and can literally save your car. A friend of my girlfriend asked me to check her car because 'the lights were blinking inside'. I pulled out the dipstick and a plume of smoke followed it. The car literally gave out that afternoon."
"Agreed. My dad taught me to check oil, top up fluids, jump-start a battery, change a tire before I got my license. It’s come in handy many times"
Let The Emotions Talk
"Develop emotional language and how to use it."
"Usually this is something taught by parents like 'use your words' or 'how did that make you feel'."
"Along with this the ability to ask for what you want."
"I know many adults that have had to work at undoing old hangups about relationships and how their parents raised them. And it's hard when you have to teach yourself."
"This is a mega important skill in life. It’s vastly underappreciated."
"I am always recommending 'love languages' to people. The whole thing is a bit 'woo' but the concept of expressing love/affections/emotions in different ways is eye opening for a lot of people. The first time I learned about it a lot of my interpersonal relationships suddenly clicked. I'd missed so many opportunities to feel and express love in ways that others understood. Expensive gifts for some = showing how much they love and are willing to sacrifice for you. Keeping your shoes polished is an act of love (because really, who likes polishing shoes), etc."
"Wow this is amazingly succinct and it's so right!"
"The basics of surviving in the wild in this order:"
"How do you get freshwater"
"How do you get a warm and safe place to sleep"
"How do you get food"
"3 hrs for shelter, three days for water....three weeks for food."
"Ok, yes, the order of the first two really depends on where you are. You are right, if it's really cold and wet, a shelter and fire absolutely has first priority. If it's hot you don't have 3 days time to get water, especially because getting water takes much time sometimes, when you have to catch vapor from leaves or wet ground for example, you should start that at first and let it run while caring about the rest. I had the latter one in mind, because I once nearby had been died by thirst."
Alright y'all, apocalypse prep team is a go!
Let's learn some things and be ready.
Everything is expensive! This has always been true. There are ways to save a little money here and there, however.
You can buy things only if they are on sale. You can clip coupons or try and find certain items at different stores for less.
Another thing you can do to save money is to buy things second hand. Certain items, such as outerwear, home decor, exercise equipment, toys, books, and games among others can be purchased after being lightly used by others.
However, there are some items you should NEVER purchase secondhand, and Reddit is here to help us discover what those items are.
To get us started, Redditor ReverseFlash_94 asked:
"What should you never buy second hand?"
"Anything that most likely to have human fluids on it. Such as sweat. 2nd headsets and earphones.. you might see earwax in them. It’s gross."
Not Very Protective
"Well, if you actually want a serious answer, I'd say protective equipment, such as motorcycle helmets. You never know what stress they've already been through and your safety is worth proper new equipment."
"This is a good answer. Most helmets are really only rated for one serious impact and then they're "dead" and won't properly protect from a second serious impact. Any kind of harness is also a gamble because nylon straps really only have a shelf life of 5 years before they start losing strength."
What Ever Happened to Hygiene?
"I saw a used toothbrush at a garage sale once that looked like it had been used for a year at the very least. I still wonder to this day who would buy that."
"Underwear, I don’t care if the tag is on or not I cannot get underwear second hand it’s the same for lingerie. Bras are a hard pass too. They may be clean but just nope nope. If you want cheap undies go buy fruit of the loom at Walmart"
"Definitely not mattress/box springs. Even if they look new. The chance there is a bedbug hibernating in there somewhere is NOT worth it."
Medical Equipment...Sort Of
"That would be a sh*tty situation"
"I want to say no one has probably never done that but you know.. humans exist so."
Protect Your Kids
"Child shoes. Second hand shoes really can do serious harm to a child's feet."
"Anything Safety Related, Children come to mind."
Typically Don't Think About This
"To go against the grain here; used electronics, especially televisions, desktop computers, and laptops. Want bed bugs? Buy used electronics."
"Any outdoor power equipment such as: weed eaters, chainsaws, leaf blowers, etc."
"They most likely already have an issue you don’t know about and pinpointing that exact issue is a pain in the rear. Plus you have to spend time fixing it."
"Power Equipment like Circular saws, jigsaws, drills, hammer-drills, sanders, grinders, routers etc.."
"Never buy any second hand power equipment because you will never know when they will break down any minute and you have to buy parts to replace the old parts which is waste of money."
Very, Very True
"That should always come first hand."
"But where can I buy experience in the first place?"
Even As A Joke, This Is Gross
"Most original comment here: condoms"
"Can’t have to many second hand condoms."
How Do You Even GET These Second Hand?
"Coffins. You’ll get stiffed on the deal every time."
"A used coffin is the last thing I need."
"Well- how would you even find a used coffin would you like dig it up out of the graveyard. Or was somebody just sleeping in it no but they weren't dead they were just using it as a God damn bed."
Okay, so some of these are not serious considerations. However, there is some good advice here.
Saving money is important, but don't risk your health or safety just to get a good deal.
History is ofte thought of a team sport. In school, we study history so that we don't repeat it.
In society, research and breakthroughs made by a certain team will help unlock answers for the next group of people.
However, there are some historical inventions, advancements, or even failures that come down to the actions and decisions of just one person. These historical figures are still talked about today.
Curious to learn more, Redditor MisterDecember asked:
"What decision by a single person had the biggest impact on human history?"
Words On A Page
"My man, Johannes Gutenberg. This was also my answer as he ushered in the modern period of human history. His work developed the Renaissance, Reformation, Age of Enlightenment, and Scientific Revolution (as well as laying the material basis for the modern knowledge-based economy and the spread of learning to the masses)."
"He also never profitted from his invention and died in poverty."
"GUTENBERG, DARN TOOTENBERG. Pretty cool dude. More people need to know his story. They even made a musical!"
"Jonas Salk who invented the vaccine for polio refused to commercialize the patent for it. Decades later it is estimated that the vaccine had cured millions and he forfeited billions in potential income."
"Frederick Banting, the discoverer of insulin did the same."
"Alexander Fleming was a sloppy medical researcher in the 1920s who returned from a 2 week vacation to find he had left out one of his culture plates and it had grown over with mold."
"Most lab technicians would never have allowed this to happen in the first place. If it did happen, they would have immediately scrapped the mess and thought nothing else of it. Fleming decided to take a close look out of curiosity ... and discovered that this mold made destroying bacteria its business. And business was good."
"He had discovered penicillin. And birthed essentially the entire field of successful, safe antibiotics, revolutionizing medicine the world over practically overnight."
Poor Military Decisions
"The decision of John F Kennedy to ignore the unanimous recommendation of his military advisors to launch air strikes on Cuba in October, 1962. Close second, the decision of Nikita Kruschev to offer a deal to Kennedy as a way out of the Cuban Missile Crisis."
"The biggest event of of the 20th century (and arguably ever) was the one that didn’t happen: global thermonuclear war."
The Dangers of Lead
"Thomas Midgley Jr. He put lead in gasoline which led to a measurable decrease in IQ and a probable increase in crime rate."
"This guy KNEW about the dangers of lead and still used it. Lead-based items were already known to be toxic at this time, but despite that, he had said at a public health conference he said, "we do not feel justified in giving up what has come to the industry like a gift from heaven on the possibility that a hazard may be involved in it", which is absolutely evil."
Filling The Need For Food
"Norman Ernest Borlaug: an American agronomist, who improved wheat production, called the Green Revolution. He probably saved more than a billion lives, who otherwise would have died from food shortage."
A Religious Decision
"Henry the 8th creating the church of England just so he could get a divorce"
Nikola Tesla. Enough Said.
"Without a doubt it's the one and only:"
"--== Nikola Tesla ==--"
- AC Power
- Induction Motor
- Radio Remote Control
- Tesla Coil
- Bladeless Turbine
- Steam-powered oscillating generator
- The Magnifying Transmitter
- Radio Transmissions
- Whilst he didn't invent neon and fluro lights, he invented the first Neon Light Sign
"His invention of AC power has literally changed the world. This is utterly the biggest impact on humanity, ever."
Another Reason Water Is So Important
"Thomas Newcomen, who needed to find a way to get water out of his tin mine. Invented a steam-powered pump in the early 18th century, and viola, ushered in the Industrial Revolution. Which by the way is still continuing. It is just in its latest computer phase."
Birth Of The USA
"So there is this thing called butterfly effect. The older someone is, the bigger impacts they have had. Therefore my answer is the first homo sapien that qualifies making a simple decision of who to mate with."
"One more. Henry VIII created the Church of England in order to divorce his wife and marry Anne Boleyn. This union resulted in Elizabeth I who sent Walter Raleigh to claim land in the new world. Boom………USA."
Possibly The Best Invention Yet
"Recent, but the invention of the internet."
"Yeah the digital revolution had been pretty mad. So much of the world immediately at out fingertips now. So much knowledge, so much art, so much beauty and science with SO much potential."
"So naturally I use all that power to scroll reddit and sh*tpost all day."
That's definitely the best one! It just goes to show, one person can make a difference.
Whether that difference is good or bad is another story!
Red sports cars have been a mid-life crisis trope for as long as there have been red sports cars and lives have had mids.
But for real, nobody is affording them in this economy. And if we could, we couldn't gas them up anyway.
But broke folk deserve a crisis, too! Probably more than anyone who can afford a sports car...
Reddit user morphgb706 asked
"What's a middle life crisis for people who could never afford a sports car?"
So let's get it, readers.
Let's find out what's giving "mid-life crisis in the middle of a financial and sociopolitical catastrophe."
Air Guitar Is Cheaper
"Buying an electric guitar without even knowing how to play. Then hanging it on the wall in your mancave because you gave up after a couple weeks."
"I recently hauled my bass guitar out of retirement when I saw all the vast storehouse of glorious YouTube tutorials that take the Guitar Hero/Rockband model to make learning to play a real instrument on your own super interesting and engaging. Not repetitive and frustrating as it was back in the 90s! So, if anyone out there has a sweet axe gathering dust, plug her in and tune* her up."
"*Fender has a free tuning app. It’s a million times better than the sh*tty electric tuner you paid too much for back in 1997 and needs a 9v battery and a 1/4in to 3.5mm adapter to use."
"My dad has thousands of dollars in guitar equipment, (And I mean like, multiple Fenders, Gibsons, and I think he even has a Rickenbacker.) so like 10 electric guitars and some cheap acoustics, a ton of pedals, amps, etc. And he only went to guitar classes for about a year, then proceeded to never practice after he stopped going to the classes, resulting in only knowing how to play basic chords and part of one song. So this is very, very accurate."
- LadyDalamaMask Guitar GIFGiphy
Arcade For Me And ...
"I just built an arcade machine in my man cave for the friends I no longer get to hang with."
"Does that count?"
"I turned part of my garage into a chill spot and set up all the old systems I've accumulated over the years; Dreamcast, Saturn, N64, Atari 2600, SNES, etc."
"As I finished and sat back at what I created I thought 'All ready for me and the boys...when that will be I do not know..'."
"Man I feel that."
"I setup the arcade with all the old skool games we used to play. All the Tekkens, NBA Jam, NFL Blitz, etc. Then sat back and realized "I haven't seen the boyz in 2 years...:*("
"Getting heavily into making sourdough bread."
"It’s the second most talked about topic my dad has. The first is a game called Sea of Thieves."
"I'm 35 and I just got super into bread baking lol. It's cheap, simple ingredients, yet so deceptively nuanced and I love it. Also you get fresh bread!"
"There’s a guy like that at my work. Bakes bread as a hobby build a wood fired oven in his back yard"
"This is an extra funny thing to me. I’d worked in a bakery makeing sourdough in my late 20’s. Just a few months before the pandemic i got back into it. Imagine my surprise when everyone is suddenly making sourdough. I felt like a bread hipster lol"
- maximum_overdumbKneading Brant Daugherty GIF by Hallmark ChannelGiphy
Get The Band Back Together
"Trying to start a band, even better if it's a punk band."
"Lol I’m turning 40 in a couple months and was just thinking I should get a band together!"
"I turn 40 in august and tuned my bass the other day after 15 years of neglect. Oi, oi, oi!!"
"Punk is an EXCELLENT option if u have no money AND no natural musical ability."
"Damn, I'm 38 and just started playing post-rock with some friends. Even worse is realising that post-rock is the new dad rock"
"I'm 40 and in better shape than I ever was as a teenager."
"I got into boxing in my late 30’s, and can confirm 40 year old me is in better shape than teenage me"
"Reddit acts like once you hit 30 your body immediately breaks down and there is no hope. Like a line is crossed."
"I’m going to the gym and have a better body at 37 than I ever had at 19."
- Noggin-a-FlogginBounty Hunter Dog GIF by DefyTVGiphy
Different Kind Of Smokeing
"Getting really into smoking meat"
"Literally sitting next to my meat filled smoker right now."
"I just wanna grill for God’s sake"
"Bruh, just smoked chicken thighs last night after doing a garlic, thyme, and savory brine. Bourbon barrel chips."
"If this is what's left of life for me, I'll take it. Some of the best food I've ever had has been from my ceramic smoker."
"Hahaha that's me. There's a 12lbs brisket in my freezer I have absolutely no plan for, it was just on sale and I'm not not gonna get it."
"Listen here you little sh*t.."
- Th3_AccountantVideo Games Cooking GIF by Far Cry 6Giphy
"At 47, I just started woodworking. In retrospect, it would have been cheaper to just buy the damn sports car."
"I always wanted to do this! My grandpa had the most amazing barn filled with wood, table saws, you name it. It smelled amazing of course. He made beautiful furniture and always had Mt Dew and snickers ice cream bars in the fridge :)"
"Its like I always tell my spouse "Why buy this for $400 when I could easily build it for $800"
- rachman77Lisa Simpson Episode 3 GIF by The SimpsonsGiphy
"A perfectly manicured lawn."
"I tell you hwhat"
"Why does anyone do drugs when they could mow a lawn"
"I didn't expect to be attacked like this. Especially on Father's Day."
"Was just admiring mine on my deck as I read this. I hate you!"
"Since buying my first house, I have got to say. There is something supremely satisfying about having the nicest lawn on the street. I got a compliment on my lawn when I moved in from a random on the street , and ever since I have been chasing that high."
"I spent $600 on soil improver and weed and feed 3 months ago, just to make sure my reign of lawn supremacy can continue"
"As a lifelong slacker who has gone through job after job and just generally been a permanent hot mess, my mid life crisis seems to be finding joy and peace in having a 9-5 job and health insurance."
"Dude, that's me right now!"
"I finally realized I want stability and comfort. All the partying and crazy projects and boozing, women, etc. were really just masking the pain of not having stability. I finally have a regular job and I kind of love it."
"The ol switcheroo"
"Mid life tranquility"
"I got a new job across the country in a city I’ve always been interested in. Despite knowing no one there. Mix it up is my midlife crisis."
- PrayForMojo_dolly parton telephone GIF by London Theatre DirectGiphy
"A midlife crisis or 'midlife awakening' isn't so much about buying new 'toys'."
"It's acknowledging the fact you have more years/days behind you than ahead of you."
"Some people react to this realization by creating "bucket lists" and trying to accomplish everything on their list whether it is practical or not."
"In other instances, money and timing were the reasons why a person didn't get what they dreamed of while younger but now they are in a position to have it "society" tells them it's too late."
"The pricing of the 2022 Chevrolet Corvette starts at $60,900 for the coupe and $68,400 for the convertible for the base. Not many 20 (something year olds) can afford such a car!"
"However, a guy in his 40s is probably in a better position to buy that car but he's told he's going through a "midlife crisis" when the reality is he can finally afford his dream car!"
"We tell people at their high school graduation to never give up on their dreams."
"However, within the "fine print" is an expiration date in which society expects you to abandon them."
"Life is a personal journey. If there is something you've always wanted to do go for it."
" 'The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.' - W.M. Lewis"
" 'Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.'- Paulo Coelho"
" 'The world may not owe you anything, but you owe yourself the world!'- Kevin Darné"
Be honest, did any of you make this feel personally attacked?
I know it wasn't just me...