Many of us sometimes fantasize about what we would do to our worst enemies, especially in the moments when they're actively making our lives worse.
While most of us would never actually do any of the things that we contemplate instead of screaming at that super annoying person at the office, we do get pretty creative with the ideas.
Redditor take_me_there_ asked:
"What WOULD you wish on your worst enemy?"
This One Would Hurt
"A conscience. Let her realize the horrific things she’s done."
- Jenny010137
"Seriously. Introspection, self awareness, and empathy are traits that would improve a lot of sh*tty people."
- el_muerte17
"Oh I wish I had thought of this one. If my enemy had a conscience, wow life would be much different."
- Shelbysouth43
No Pearly Whites For You
"I’d like all their teeth to turn really yellow and stay yellow no matter what they do."
- toothfixingfiend
"What did I ever do to you?"
- Spideredd
"I don't even know you! Give me back my enamel!"
- AngryMustache9
Everything You Own Is Orange Now
Snl Cheetos GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy"Permanent Cheeto fingers. Just orange cheese dust getting on everything."
- cocoapuff1721
"This has to be one of the most evil things I ever heard, yet absolutely hilarious."
-Merk0411
"The Midas Touch: Snack Edition"
- MaryVenetia
Ouch, But Forever
"Stubbing and breaking their toe and right as it’s about to be done healing it happens again over and over for the rest of their pitiful time on this hell we call earth."
- No-Bee-2971
"Sisyphoot"
- Alpha_6
"More of a Toemetheus imo"
- PykeTheDrowned
Self Reflection
"For them to realize how big of an a-hole they are."
- mayhemanaged
"Same for me. The trouble is mine probably knows what a tremendous a-hole he is, and just doesn't care (it's what defines him, is his outlook more than likely), so, give mine a conscience as well, he undeniably lacks one."
- RhoadsOfRock
"a crushing moment of self realization is something that can destroy you mentally. I wish that on them."
- chancetodream
Bury Them Under A Mountain Of Minor Inconveniences
"Always being hungry two hours after eating no matter how large the meal. Slow internet. Traffic jams no matter the location. Self doubt. Allergies. Favorite shows spoiled."
"Nothing major enough to be life altering but constant, low grade inconveniences that wear on your soul every day."
- I_Love_Small_Br**sts
"Every bite of food they eat/drink they drink being slightly the wrong temperature."
"Coffee? Warm but not hot. Cola? Cool, but not cold. Muffin? Ever so slightly frozen."
"Not enough to ruin their life, but just enough to not quite have full enjoyment of anything.."
- HappiHappiHappi
They'll Never Be Able To Use Their Computer Again
"Quick scan with McAfee on their computer."
- halflife_3
"You f**king monster."
- Orion_2kTC
"The constant pop-ups from McAfee is too far."
- _Land_Rover_Series_3
That's A New Level Of Evil
"Bed bugs."
- thrawn1825
"Currently dealing with bed bugs, and I can absolutely confirm this is the kind of thing I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is miserable and painful, and I've tried everything to get rid of them at this point."
"I would easily wish this upon my worst enemy, x10."
- ArbitrarilyStagnant
"Oh hell no, you went there... Hopefully they aren't living in an apartment complex or you've cursed everyone in the building."
- expect_less
Well of course I know him. He’s me.
Animated GIFGiphy"$100,000. I sure could use it."
- Sparklesperson
"'It’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy'"
- FishyVonFishenHymer
"Lol I thought this was that deep sh*t like 'pray for those you resent to have all the things you want in life….' Then I realized."
- No-Chipmunk9527
Forever Constipated
the powerpuff girls bubbles GIFGiphy"That they can never have a satisfying poop. They always feel like they have to go to the bathroom and when they do nothing comes."
- [User Deleted]
"Wow. That's evil. Always feeling the need to pee would be good (as in horrific) too."
- ipakookapi
We definitely don't recommend implementing any of these plans (not that most would actually be possible), but here's some new ideas for the next time you're stuck in a meeting with your most annoying coworker and need a little fantastical escape.
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Knowing how much work it takes to get one stupid little plate of salad might seriously change the way people relate to food, the land, water rights... just about everything changes when you understand the effort and balance it takes just for survival.
Reddit User bartertownbeer11 asked
"What should everyone learn how to do?"
You have my thoughts, let's see what Reddit says.
Swimming
Cat Swimming GIF by ViralHogGiphy"Swim There’s no downside to knowing and it could save your life"
- polp54
"You don't need to be an expert swimmer, but everyone should be able to swim at least a little. A terrible number of people (of all ages) drown every year despite being a very short swim to safety."
- brufleth
"My dad who could not swim made sure us kids knew how to swim. I made sure my kids could too."
- PrisonerV
"May I add: if you do not know how to swim, take a very deep breath and relax completely. Spread your arms and legs and just let your body relax completely. Once you found out that the human body actually floats start breathing slowly. No one I know knew that and everybody is amazed how my lazy butt just floats around without me doing anything. Found out through pure distilled laziness."
"It's no alternative to learning how to swim! Learn how to swim! There are very few humans who are not able to float, due to body density. Most humans, however can learn it. Try it, it might come in handy one day."
- HKD49
You Need To Eat
Homer Simpson Cooking GIFGiphy"Cook. Even if you hate cooking you love to eat, cooking is an essential life skill. If it’s only one dish you know how to make, that’s still a meal you can prepare yourself."
- Sayurimai
"I totally agree. I know so many people who have no clue how to cook anything despite being perfectly capable of it. People are so scared of it when it's simply following directions"
- Welcome2_TheInternet
"As everything in life, practice makes perfect."
"Most people I know who can’t cook, have never really tried"
- West_Corgi8126
"Even if you hate eating, you still have to eat. Cooking means you can take care of yourself."
- notreallylucy
One Important Word
"How to say No without any hesitation"
- KalkiHill
"I agree, it’s completely okay to say no but some people feel that pressure to say yes"
- SlipnSlide78
"I have such a hard time with this when my only reason is "I don't feel like it." I can't accept that as a legitimate reason to say no so I just do whatever it is."
- asafum
"Go read Miss Manners. No is not only OK, it is polite. You don't need to provide a reason. Internalize that anyone demanding a reason is the rude one, not you."
- Grave_Girl
"I'm not joking when I say that, if you can, practice."
"Small things, big things, f**k it have a mate roleplay any scenario with you and you tell them no."
"I've gotten better at it since I told my mum I struggle to say no and she actually had me practice there and then with her."
- TheftMDom
"it’s okay to say no, because it’s very important to say no. if someone asks you why, they’re not worth it because if you say no they don’t need a reason why."
- SlipnSlide78
Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation
"CPR."
"I dragged my best friend with me when I had to get CPR certification because I wanted to be able to partner up with someone else that I knew. She was reluctant but eventually caved and did it."
"Her learning CPR saved my life. You learning CPR could save someone else's life. Go learn it."
- Jennyferr0412
"I worked at a homeless camp and someone overdosed on heroin. The 911 operator explained to my co-worker who explained to me how to do CPR while another resident of the homeless shelter administered narcan."
"We were extremely lucky that we got through to the 911 operator very quickly, and that he was able to communicate so quickly and effectively how to perform CPR. That 911 operator saved that woman's life, had he not come on the phone so quickly, she would have died. Learn CPR, you absolutely have to learn CPR because you can save someone's life with it."
"We got lucky is what I'm saying. Don't depend on luck, learn CPR. Right now."
- AntelopeElectronic12
"I learned CPR at work and a week later saved my mom's life when she was choking on food. Best 30 minutes at work I've ever spent!"
- No_Relationship1850
"The high school I go to makes us do a CPR lesson every time we get our athletic physical. If you’re getting the physical on campus and not from your PCP, you have to practice CPR with a paramedic before you leave the building, I think it’s great."
- Beautiful_Squash8854
Spot The Scammer
John Lithgow Reaction GIF by LaffGiphy"Learn how to spot a scam, especially in emails and phone calls."
- ral365
"Definitely a skill worth learning. I've gotten pretty good. But recently my friend's elderly mother got one of those robocalls asking her to enter in her credit card number and she did it. It's a good skill to learn in this day and age."
- Roook36
"I recently ordered something from Home Depot online and now I'm getting fake emails saying I've won a power drill, BBQ, etc. They look like they are originating from Home Depot, but just looking at the actual email address it's sent from shows that it's a scam. One was an address from Perdue university."
"So if someone is trying to give you something for free, be suspicious. And just check the sending address at least."
- could_use_a_snack
"I got a scam email from “Paypal” from a scammer on Facebook Marketplace trying to get an expensive item without paying. They said that Paypal would give me the money after I shipped the item to them and inputed the “shipping verification”. They even sent a fake Paypal email saying the money was pending. The email address was a @gmail instead of @paypal though, so good thing I didn’t fall for that."
- reap3rrrx
Sew
sew sewing machine GIF by US National ArchivesGiphy"For something thats less obvious/most people learn how to do one way or another anyway, I'd say basic sewing."
"Maybe it was just from my experience working at a craft store but a lot of people don't seem know how to do the basic sh*t like, sewing on a button, applying a patch, stopping a frey before it completely unravels, or hemming pants/sleeves. People could keep their clothes much longer or avoid paying a tailor for basic services if they just watched a few youtube vids lol."
- Reddittoxin
"I decided to learn some basic tailoring because i was sick of every shirt being so big in the gut. Its surprisingly easy to just take in the side seam a bit and makes the shirts look so much better"
- deathgaze5
"Came here to post this. Learned it in Home Ec in high school and has helped me soooo many times."
- Ender914
Light Agriculture
"Grow food."
"Even if it's a tomato plant, some green beans in a pot, or some herbs, home grown food tastes better than store bought, and tending to a garden, no matter how small, reduces stress."
- cinch123
"My needy a$ dying plant stresses me the fuck out…"
- Flyingdutchm3n
"To be fair, house and container plants tend to be much more high maintenance than plants you put in the ground. Plants are meant to be in the ground and many food plants are fairly versatile/adaptive in their soil/water needs."
"Once it's in a container though, it's tough to figure out exactly how much water it needs, and there's a finite amount of soil that doesn't replenish itself with nutrients naturally so you have to do that for it (not a bad idea for a garden either, but more nessecary.) And house plants tend to be lower light needing plants which means they'reore likely to need unusual soil types. Drainage is also more important because everything is contained in that small (as compared to the ground) pot."
"The only plant care bonus for potted plants is that yoy can adjust the amount of light they're getting much more easily than plants that are stuck in the ground."
- Wonderful-Custard-47
Basic Maintenance
car repair GIFGiphy"Change a tire and car battery."
- StoneAge00
"Adding on, learning how to check oil as well. It takes two seconds to learn and can literally save your car. A friend of my girlfriend asked me to check her car because 'the lights were blinking inside'. I pulled out the dipstick and a plume of smoke followed it. The car literally gave out that afternoon."
- greenwasp3000
"Agreed. My dad taught me to check oil, top up fluids, jump-start a battery, change a tire before I got my license. It’s come in handy many times"
- purplegoldcat
Let The Emotions Talk
"Develop emotional language and how to use it."
"Usually this is something taught by parents like 'use your words' or 'how did that make you feel'."
"Along with this the ability to ask for what you want."
"I know many adults that have had to work at undoing old hangups about relationships and how their parents raised them. And it's hard when you have to teach yourself."
- Darkwaxellence
"This is a mega important skill in life. It’s vastly underappreciated."
- Dont____Panic
"I am always recommending 'love languages' to people. The whole thing is a bit 'woo' but the concept of expressing love/affections/emotions in different ways is eye opening for a lot of people. The first time I learned about it a lot of my interpersonal relationships suddenly clicked. I'd missed so many opportunities to feel and express love in ways that others understood. Expensive gifts for some = showing how much they love and are willing to sacrifice for you. Keeping your shoes polished is an act of love (because really, who likes polishing shoes), etc."
- Wtrset
"Wow this is amazingly succinct and it's so right!"
- fali12
Survival Skills
"The basics of surviving in the wild in this order:"
"How do you get freshwater"
"How do you get a warm and safe place to sleep"
"How do you get food"
- Fakedduckjump
"3 hrs for shelter, three days for water....three weeks for food."
- anewleaf1234
"Ok, yes, the order of the first two really depends on where you are. You are right, if it's really cold and wet, a shelter and fire absolutely has first priority. If it's hot you don't have 3 days time to get water, especially because getting water takes much time sometimes, when you have to catch vapor from leaves or wet ground for example, you should start that at first and let it run while caring about the rest. I had the latter one in mind, because I once nearby had been died by thirst."
- Fakedduckjump
Alright y'all, apocalypse prep team is a go!
Let's learn some things and be ready.
Reddit user morphgb706 asked
"What's a middle life crisis for people who could never afford a sports car?"
So let's get it, readers.
Let's find out what's giving "mid-life crisis in the middle of a financial and sociopolitical catastrophe."
Air Guitar Is Cheaper
"Buying an electric guitar without even knowing how to play. Then hanging it on the wall in your mancave because you gave up after a couple weeks."
- FonzieScheme_
"I recently hauled my bass guitar out of retirement when I saw all the vast storehouse of glorious YouTube tutorials that take the Guitar Hero/Rockband model to make learning to play a real instrument on your own super interesting and engaging. Not repetitive and frustrating as it was back in the 90s! So, if anyone out there has a sweet axe gathering dust, plug her in and tune* her up."
"*Fender has a free tuning app. It’s a million times better than the sh*tty electric tuner you paid too much for back in 1997 and needs a 9v battery and a 1/4in to 3.5mm adapter to use."
- sadhandjobs
"My dad has thousands of dollars in guitar equipment, (And I mean like, multiple Fenders, Gibsons, and I think he even has a Rickenbacker.) so like 10 electric guitars and some cheap acoustics, a ton of pedals, amps, etc. And he only went to guitar classes for about a year, then proceeded to never practice after he stopped going to the classes, resulting in only knowing how to play basic chords and part of one song. So this is very, very accurate."
- LadyDalama
Mask Guitar GIFGiphyArcade For Me And ...
"I just built an arcade machine in my man cave for the friends I no longer get to hang with."
"Does that count?"
- ToyDingo
"I turned part of my garage into a chill spot and set up all the old systems I've accumulated over the years; Dreamcast, Saturn, N64, Atari 2600, SNES, etc."
"As I finished and sat back at what I created I thought 'All ready for me and the boys...when that will be I do not know..'."
- snowshoeBBQ
"Man I feel that."
"I setup the arcade with all the old skool games we used to play. All the Tekkens, NBA Jam, NFL Blitz, etc. Then sat back and realized "I haven't seen the boyz in 2 years...:*("
- ToyDingo
Bread Making
"Getting heavily into making sourdough bread."
- nullrecord
"It’s the second most talked about topic my dad has. The first is a game called Sea of Thieves."
- RainbowShitsnGiggles
"I'm 35 and I just got super into bread baking lol. It's cheap, simple ingredients, yet so deceptively nuanced and I love it. Also you get fresh bread!"
- LeonesgettingLARGER
"There’s a guy like that at my work. Bakes bread as a hobby build a wood fired oven in his back yard"
- Gearhead_guy
"This is an extra funny thing to me. I’d worked in a bakery makeing sourdough in my late 20’s. Just a few months before the pandemic i got back into it. Imagine my surprise when everyone is suddenly making sourdough. I felt like a bread hipster lol"
- maximum_overdumb
Kneading Brant Daugherty GIF by Hallmark ChannelGiphyGet The Band Back Together
"Trying to start a band, even better if it's a punk band."
- Muaddib930
"Lol I’m turning 40 in a couple months and was just thinking I should get a band together!"
- PATT3RN_AGA1NST-US3R
"I turn 40 in august and tuned my bass the other day after 15 years of neglect. Oi, oi, oi!!"
- sadhandjobs
"Punk is an EXCELLENT option if u have no money AND no natural musical ability."
- Batholomy
"Damn, I'm 38 and just started playing post-rock with some friends. Even worse is realising that post-rock is the new dad rock"
- pselodux
Fitness
"I'm 40 and in better shape than I ever was as a teenager."
"Start lifting."
- FnAardvark
"I got into boxing in my late 30’s, and can confirm 40 year old me is in better shape than teenage me"
- notorious_tcb
"Reddit acts like once you hit 30 your body immediately breaks down and there is no hope. Like a line is crossed."
"I’m going to the gym and have a better body at 37 than I ever had at 19."
- Noggin-a-Floggin
Bounty Hunter Dog GIF by DefyTVGiphyDifferent Kind Of Smokeing
"Getting really into smoking meat"
- ooperbang6
"Literally sitting next to my meat filled smoker right now."
- monkey_boy45
"I just wanna grill for God’s sake"
- A_KULT_KILLAH
"Bruh, just smoked chicken thighs last night after doing a garlic, thyme, and savory brine. Bourbon barrel chips."
"If this is what's left of life for me, I'll take it. Some of the best food I've ever had has been from my ceramic smoker."
- N0SF3RATU
"Hahaha that's me. There's a 12lbs brisket in my freezer I have absolutely no plan for, it was just on sale and I'm not not gonna get it."
- TheClayroo
"Listen here you little sh*t.."
- Th3_Accountant
Video Games Cooking GIF by Far Cry 6GiphyLike Joseph
"At 47, I just started woodworking. In retrospect, it would have been cheaper to just buy the damn sports car."
- ubeor
"I always wanted to do this! My grandpa had the most amazing barn filled with wood, table saws, you name it. It smelled amazing of course. He made beautiful furniture and always had Mt Dew and snickers ice cream bars in the fridge :)"
- aWormhatForVermhat
"Its like I always tell my spouse "Why buy this for $400 when I could easily build it for $800"
- rachman77
Lisa Simpson Episode 3 GIF by The SimpsonsGiphyLandscape Architecture
"A perfectly manicured lawn."
- MPC55_
"I tell you hwhat"
- RoseyDove323
"Why does anyone do drugs when they could mow a lawn"
- chief_dlitt
"I didn't expect to be attacked like this. Especially on Father's Day."
- TokyoKazama
"FUGGGgG!"
"Was just admiring mine on my deck as I read this. I hate you!"
- Kevherd
"Since buying my first house, I have got to say. There is something supremely satisfying about having the nicest lawn on the street. I got a compliment on my lawn when I moved in from a random on the street , and ever since I have been chasing that high."
"I spent $600 on soil improver and weed and feed 3 months ago, just to make sure my reign of lawn supremacy can continue"
- PanzerBiscuit
Working 9-5
"As a lifelong slacker who has gone through job after job and just generally been a permanent hot mess, my mid life crisis seems to be finding joy and peace in having a 9-5 job and health insurance."
- bacchic_frenzy
"Dude, that's me right now!"
"I finally realized I want stability and comfort. All the partying and crazy projects and boozing, women, etc. were really just masking the pain of not having stability. I finally have a regular job and I kind of love it."
"Sh*ts crazy."
- chairhats
"The ol switcheroo"
- AgoraiosBum
"Mid life tranquility"
- tuckerdogs71
"I got a new job across the country in a city I’ve always been interested in. Despite knowing no one there. Mix it up is my midlife crisis."
- PrayForMojo_
dolly parton telephone GIF by London Theatre DirectGiphyMidlife Awakening.
"A midlife crisis or 'midlife awakening' isn't so much about buying new 'toys'."
"It's acknowledging the fact you have more years/days behind you than ahead of you."
"Some people react to this realization by creating "bucket lists" and trying to accomplish everything on their list whether it is practical or not."
"In other instances, money and timing were the reasons why a person didn't get what they dreamed of while younger but now they are in a position to have it "society" tells them it's too late."
"The pricing of the 2022 Chevrolet Corvette starts at $60,900 for the coupe and $68,400 for the convertible for the base. Not many 20 (something year olds) can afford such a car!"
"However, a guy in his 40s is probably in a better position to buy that car but he's told he's going through a "midlife crisis" when the reality is he can finally afford his dream car!"
"We tell people at their high school graduation to never give up on their dreams."
"However, within the "fine print" is an expiration date in which society expects you to abandon them."
"Life is a personal journey. If there is something you've always wanted to do go for it."
" 'The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.' - W.M. Lewis"
" 'Never allow waiting to become a habit. Live your dreams and take risks. Life is happening now.'- Paulo Coelho"
" 'The world may not owe you anything, but you owe yourself the world!'- Kevin Darné"
"Best wishes!"
- lovealert911
Be honest, did any of you make this feel personally attacked?
I know it wasn't just me...