People Reveal The Worst Ways They've Seen A Parent Mess Up A Child
Former child here. Parenting is hard, but being a kid is even harder. Everything parents do affects children for life, and little things like constant criticism add up.
itallwenttitsup asked: What's the worst thing you've seen a parent do that will f*ck their child up for life?
Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.
WTF?
I didn't see it, but my mother told me about it.
My aunty and uncle were very abusive to their eldest daughter. When she was 11, she did something to get in trouble, so my uncle pulled her pants and underwear down, smacked her arse.
My cousin just recently underwent ECT for depression, anxiety and bipolar.
Don't do this.
Pointing out their child's insecurities/mistakes in front of a large group of people, as if it were some kind of story to tell.
My mother has done many things to hurt my trust with her, but out of all of it the one thing that hurt me the most was when she told her friend (who is a big gossip) about one of my insecurities. I haven't told my mother another damn thing since that moment, and I don't plan on telling her anything ever again.
Ouch.
My step mom used to tell me I'd never graduate high school and that I'd grow up to be the next Tim McVeigh. Got my bachelors degree and haven't bombed any buildings yet but it still hurt to hear.
My step mom did the exact same thing. Told me not to bother with college because I'd spend the rest of my life working McDonald's, and Dad just let her run her mouth. Yea, that did wonders for a depressed 17 year old.
Not taking depression seriously.
Probably the parent who called the library screaming and threatening me because I gave her daughter the depression resources she requested. Gee, I wonder why the f*ck she came to the library instead of coming to you.
How old was the daughter?
Old enough to be in the library unattended, so beyond that it's not really relevant. The library considers the information needs of all patrons to be private, so telling the parent would have been a violation of professional ethics. Consider a teenager looking up information about LGBT issues or contraception--things that might get them disowned or kicked out, if their family found out.
Shaming over a crush.
My dad did a bunch of things that f*cked me up, but this in particular sticks with me. When I was sixteen and texting a crush, he spent the whole night reading my entire message thread. He'd read aloud the ones that sounded too "needy" and too much like I was being "a whore", and he made me stand in front of him as he sat on the sofa and read.
Once in a while he'd get up to slap me or punch me in the stomach for sounding too much like "a b!tch in heat" - this is a phrase I've never been able to forget, five years on. The contempt in his voice when he said it, the utter assurance that I was being a needy shameful little whore - I've never been able to forget that, or the feeling that accompanied it.
The texts weren't even sexual - weren't even romantic. Just two people in the early stages of showing interest in each other.
Your texts with your crush like that, exposed, for the whole family to hear, interspersed with the occasional jeering remark - I've never been able to get over. I still have trouble talking to people. Sometimes I'll talk to my boyfriend, my kind loving wonderful boyfriend, tell him I miss him or I can't wait to see him and that phrase will ring in my ears.
He was wrong. And you know that.
Maybe try, when those thoughts trouble you, calmly saying to yourself, "He was wrong." Make it be, like, the close of a paragraph or the end of the sentence. Maybe that will help you more strongly frame this event as one where he was wrong.
{{{HUGS}}}
Police fail. Big time.
A girl I had drivers ed with had skipped class that day. The school called her parents so her dad came to pick her up from the drivers ed school that was privately owned.
I was in the lobby studying for the written test when I see them sitting in the parking spot directly in front of the big front windows. I was sitting still and there were like fake plants between me and the window and probably glare on the window. The dad didn't see me. He's screaming at her and he reels back and sucker punches her like she's a man. He held nothing back. I stand up, completely shocked. He sees me and peels out.
I tell the owners, they call the cops but supposedly the cops couldn't do anything. She lived in the next town over. So our cops couldn't go to her house. I feel like more could have been done. They could have at least called CPS in that town or called her school to get involved. I was 15 and the owner of the drivers ed school was literally in his 70s. We were both clueless. Cops could have given us advise.
What the f*ck is wrong with the law if the Police can't go a town over to investigate possible child abuse? It's not like the next town over is going from the U.S. to Mexico.
Usually what they do is call the other station when things cross town/county lines. But there's still something wrong with this situation cause that seemingly didn't happen.
If you're a municipal cop, you have no jurisdiction in another town. We'll usually do a DFS call to investigate but you need an address to send them to. However, since the initial assault happened in their jurisdiction, they could charge the father with that. They just cannot go to another town to investigate the abuse but they can contact that town's PD to start one. Just need an address to go to.
No wonder developing healthy relationships is so difficult.
Constantly criticize them and never praise them. Also dysfunctional married couples that have aggressive fights in front of their children instead of getting a divorce. I don't think parents realize the stress they cause their kids by always fighting in front of them.
I never understood the mentality of "staying together for the kids" if the parents violently hate each other. It does no one any good to see their parents smash things or beat each other.
Violence doesn't even need to be in the equation. My parents had five kids. I am the oldest, and thinking back there is not one moment I recall of them being happy together. I don't think it is a coincidence that my siblings who were near my age, and remember them being together, all have problems with committing to long term relationships. My younger siblings who don't remember them together, and saw our parents marry with people they actually liked after divorcing, all have healthy long term relationships.
I don't think it is a coincidence that my siblings who were near my age, and remember them being together, all have problems committing to long term relationships
I thought I was the only one who had this problem. I never saw my parents together as a couple and anytime they were together (divorced/ post break-up) they only argued. Probably why I've always feared getting into committed relationships, the fear of the same thing happening to me.
Treating kids as pin cushions.
Where I work, I see many children just throwing absolute fits and the parents not doing a damn thing about it. Rarely we get really sweet, well-bahaved children.
The other day, there was a lady with a boy who had to have been at least 12. He was really quite, polite, said hi to any employee he saw, had the cutest little chubby face. He picks up a pack of hot dogs and says, calmly I might add, "Do we need any of these?" His mom just flipped out on him! "No! I told you already we have some goddamn hot dogs! I'm so f*cking tired of you never listening to me!" The look on the kids face broke my heart (and I definitely don't have a soft spot for children.) I just wanted to give him a hug.
The thing that really got me was the woman was well dressed and acted extremely polite when she asked where something was. I wanted to just knock her out. That poor child.
It reminds me of the other day in the grocery store. There was a dad shopping with his little girl, about 4 years old. She was a quiet and cute kid, and was following beside the shopping cart. She went to pick up eggs and handed them to her dad because she couldn't reach the inside of the cart. Dad had already picked some eggs before his daughter did.
Dad proceeds to lash out at his daughter for picking eggs as he already did. I don't remember his exact words, but he pretty much told her she was dumb and to put the eggs back. I don't like kids in general, but his attitude really annoyed me. I saw them before and after the incident and never saw the girl misbehave. She just wanted to help grocery shopping.
Shaming for no reason.
Making them feel guilty for doing normal things.
On a similar note - making them feel guilty for not knowing how to do normal things. They're kids. They're not born with any knowledge. If you ask an 8 year old to start the dishwash machine, don't get mad at them for filling it with dish soap, resulting in a massive bubble explosion all over the kitchen floor. They were told to wash the dishes, and the bottle says dish washing soap.
And when things like this happen, don't say "What did you do?" instead you can say "What happened?" It's much less accusatory.
Making fun of a stutter.
My mom was my biggest bully growing up. She wanted me to be one of the popular girls. Well I developed a severe stutter when I was eight and she used to scream at me and punish me any time I stuttered... which only made it worse. She used to tell me that if I didn't stop the kids at school would make fun of me. The kids were no where near as bad as her.
It took me going to a conference to see how f*cked up she was. I was shocked to see so many parents supportive of their kid's stuttering.
But yeah had very low self esteem through my childhood, had trouble making friends and now I have a small social group. I'm still in contact with my mother but I don't love her.
They actually did a (horribly unethical) experiment on this - belittling children with speech imperfections.
It was called the Monster Study because it permanently f*cked up children for life.
I mean I can understand that some research just has to be done, ethic be damned (like the history of smallpox vaccine has a few moments that just wouldn't fly today). But this was not one of those cases.
When looking at a resume, it's easy to understand how prospective employers will assume someone is very intelligent based on their education and past experience.
But one shouldn't only assume someone's intelligence based on what they read.
More often than not, one can tell rather quickly that someone possesses above-average intelligence, based on how they speak, how they behave, or other telling details.
Redditor PadWanKenobi was curious to hear what people felt were the tell tale signs they were in the company of a possible genius, leading them to ask:
"What’s a sign of extremely high intelligence?"
Instant adapability
"Ability to intuitively and quickly understand complex systems and how lots of parts relate in a coherent whole."
"Like I work with some people who just keep tons of concepts in their head and easily integrate new information into their understanding of those concepts."
"They immediately know what questions they should be asking to better understand."
"And these are things they're currently working on, not like things they spent time studying in school over years."
"They just have a very strong ability to synthesize new information into their understanding."
"I sit in meetings distracted and confused having forgotten what we talked about in the previous meetings, and these folks just consistently have a solid handle on everything."- Ok-Control-787
Innate Problem Solvers
"They know when not to solve a problem."
"This took me a while to understand but the smartest people I know do this."
"It could be a really simple thing like ignoring emails from people asking for help."
"The supervisor or boss might have a quick and easy solution for the situation but instead of just handing it to the person that asked they let them figure it out on their own."
"They know who they can do this with and when to do it."
"If they did that with all of their underlings it would just create a mess."
"Another example that I can think of is planned chaos."
"Some people can predict exactly where things will go wrong and they could fix it before it creates a problem."
"They don't because nobody ever notices what's going on in the background when things are working perfectly."
"Once things fails then everybody notices and if you are the one person that fixed it you become the hero."
"They can also use then chaos to reach a goal they couldn't get before if things were working correctly."
"There's many examples of this in every day life that I didn't see before until I realized what was happening."- atapes
GiphyYou know what they say about people with small hands
"If your hand is smaller than your face."- FallofTheKnight
The all knowing glow.
"When someone asks you a question and you push your glasses up while light comes out of it and covers your eyes for some reason."- JonEregor
Those giveaway behavioral quirks
"Wearing glasses and saying things like 'ah yes', and 'I see' while you pensively rub your chin."- iuytrefdgh436yujhe2
Thinking Reaction GIF by ABC TV + IVIEWGiphyEncouraging others
"When they explain something they make the people around them feel smarter, not dumber."- redkat85
Being one step ahead.
"The capacity to understand complex things, see patterns where regular people don't."- Ostepop234
"They have this tendency to make you go 'Ohhh, why didn't I think of that?' when listening to them talk."- did_it_forthelulz
Why Didnt I Think Of That Cillian Murphy GIFGiphyAn endless love of learning
"A passion for knowledge and expanding understanding of complex concepts."
"The plumber can be just as insightful as the scholar."- KatatoniK94
Of course, one shouldn't always be fooled by what they see.
As many people are masters at appearing much smarter than they are.
In fact, one important sign of super intelligence is being able to separate those who appear smart, from those who actually are.
With each passing year of a marriage, couples will often discover that while they don't love each other any less than they once did, that spark their relationship used to carry has faded.
This will often lead these couples to look for ways to spice things up a bit.
Among the more popular experiments is inviting a third member to their bedroom.
Enticing as this prospect is, however, it's also easy to be intimidated by the reality of it, or even the mere suggestion of it.
"Men, what advice do you have for men whose wives want to bring a third into the bedroom?"
Make sure you want to do it.
"You need to be completely honest with yourself, ask if this is something you want and could live with."- Dame87
Proceed with caution
"It’s like frolicking in a mine field."
"You both better be SUPER into the idea, you can’t have one person who’s reluctantly agreed to go along with it."
"And established rules."
"A threesome sounds like fun and games until you’re watching your partner make faces and sounds that you only thought were for you in your most intimate moments together, and a burning jealousy comes out of nowhere and breaks your heart."
"I’m not saying it’s automatically a bad idea and I know people do polyamory successfully, but dear god be careful."- coleosis1414
Make sure you're an active participant
"I had an ex that was adamant that she wanted to be a swinger or whatever."
"The one time I decided to roll with it, I hit it off immediately with the other dude's girlfriend and had a blast hanging out with her all night."
"The other dude was a total creep, though."
"Also, my ex could not handle the fact that someone else was giving me the slightest bit of attention."
"So, needless to say, that didn't go anywhere."
"Turns out she didn't want to be a swinger, she just wanted to have sex with other people behind my back, which she had no problems whatsoever with."- Ted_Denslow
Look out for ulterior motives
"Just remember that if you bring this up and your husband is against it, that could be the beginning of the end of your marriage."
"For a lot of people their partner saying 'I am seriously considering having sex with other people and I'm checking with you if it is ok', is a deal breaker."- gamerplays
Consider a test run?
"Go to a bar together separately."
"Watch them flirt/interact with someone else."
"If you get jealous, it's probably a bad idea to bring in a third."
"If it turns you on, go for it."- SinSlayer
Query people with experience.
"It’s something my wife and I have talked about."
"We both agreed that opening the Pandora’s box is not the way we want our relationship to go."
"While it sounds fun, we have seen way to many relationships derailed because of it."- DarthDujo
Consider going whole hog.
"Bring a 4th."- xxemrgmi
Evaluate your relationship first.
"Make sure you and your partner are secure in your own relationship before having another person join."
"Have boundaries, and no secrets."
"From my experience it doesn't usually work out in the end."- Thick-Procedure455
Just don't!
"Don't do it."
"For a long time, my ex harbored a fantasy of watching me have sex with another woman."
"Hey, who knows why any of us are wired the way we are?"
"After contemplating the idea together for a while, we decided to approach one of her more attractive co-workers, who had made a series of flattering comments along the lines of "you're so lucky" and "he's so good-looking'."
"She enthusiastically agreed."
"Our first meet-up was of course awkward, but the second, third and following were pretty good."
"In fact they got progressively hotter, as we all got more comfortable with each other's boundaries, erotic likes and dislikes."
"However, over a few months these occasional kinky weekends transitioned into the co-worker asking more frequently and aggressively to be invited over."
"We tried to explain that we had intended these threesomes to be rare and exotic highlights in our sex life, not regular occurrences, but she didn't take the message to heart and instead became increasingly insistent, bordering on smothering."
"After being turned down one Friday, that night she unexpectedly showed up at our door anyway, carrying a weekend bag and wearing nothing but a raincoat, stay-ups and heels."
"While that was quite a sight, it definitely creeped us out, as it made us finally realize the whole arrangement was descending into 'play Misty for me' territory."
"My ex and I agreed that her unexpected and unwelcome appearance signaled the end of future three-ways, at least until we were able to cool our own selves down, reassess, and perhaps later find a less demanding and insistent third."
"Things subsequently got very sticky at work for my wife, as her co-worker, with whom she had to interact closely, strongly resented being permabanned, and kept demanding to know 'what she'd done that was so awful'."
"Coworker eventually asked to be transferred to another office, but by the time that process was over and done, the discomfort / guilt / pressure / confusion my ex was suffering both at home and at work had begun to take its psychological toll."
"I must confess it didn't help that our own sex life was simultaneously going through a rough patch."
"Long story short, we ended our decade-long relationship less than a year after breaking off the threesomes, chiefly due to trust issues and growing sexual incompatibility, both perhaps triggered by our experimentation."
"Ever since, I've regretted agreeing to that first three-way."
"If I hadn't been so damned eager to take a bite of forbidden fruit, we might have kept our relationship intact."
"But I guess this can also be put down as what sometimes happens when you ignore that old advice, 'don't sh*t where you sleep'."- theartfulcodger
When venturing into the unknown, it's always wise to gain some first hand experience, to hear a variety of pros and cons of what you're possibly getting yourself into.
That way, deciding whether or not it's for you will become increasingly clear.
It's also important to remember, that it is always ok to say "no".
People Share Their Best 'You Either Die The Hero Or Live Long Enough To Become The Villain' Experiences
"You either die the hero or live long enough to become the villain."
Though not necessarily a universal truth, all of us have witnessed unfortunate moments in our lives where we've seen this saying become a reality.
Be it seeing our favorite public figures take a serious fall from grace, someone we know and admire eventually disappointing us in a devastating manner, or even seeing ourselves turn into someone we promised we'd never become.
One Redditor was curious to hear people's examples of this saying coming to light, either from a personal experience or seeing it happen to a well-known, public figure, leading them to ask:
"Who is your example of 'you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain'?"
Jim Jones
"Jim Jones."
"He originally stood up for civil rights when it was really unpopular."
"Was hospitalized and accidentally placed in the black ward."
"When the doctors found out, they tried to move him, but he refused."
"Then he became a cult leader and used his power and influence to end the lives of a thousand people."- Crvsby
Earning a position of power
"Working in restaurant kitchens."
"You either burn out young, or become the boss that everyone hates."
"There's exceptions, but that's the rule."- grandpas_old_crow
Henry Heimlich
"Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver."
"Made up a bunch of untested uses for it, treating people having asthma attacks, and drowning victims were the two I remember that he publicly talked up."
"Later, he funded an experiment that involved injecting people with Malaria to see if it would treat other conditions.
"The experiment was found to be unethical by American review boards, so he conducted them in Ethiopia." - User Deleted
Philippe Petain
"Philippe Petain."
"In WW1 he led the French to victory at Verdun, one of the worst battles in human history."
"In WW2, after France was beaten, Petain was the head of state of Vichy France."
"Guy went from the Lion of Verdun to the biggest Nazi collaborator in France."- arthuranymoredonuts
Our bodies
"Every organ until it gets cancer."- SuperBaconjam
Conor McGregor
"Conor McGregor."
"He had the whole country behind him here in Ireland at one point bar people who thought combat sport is grotesque."
"He was witty, original, backing himself up and having a Hollywood like rise to stardom."
"Now he's someone who the whole country is ashamed of, goes punching old men, clearly sleeps around on his wife while she's at home with the kids, just a walking caricature of himself."
"He didn't listen to his own advice."
"Get in."
"Get rich."
"Get out."- StephenPigot2020
Turning into our parents
"My dad used to annoy me by calling my Pokemon cards 'Pokey-Mans'."
"Now my kids have them and I do the same thing and it annoys the sh*t out of them."
"Thanks for the (Pokeyman) gold!"- rumpel4skinOU
Benedict Arnold
"Benedict Arnold."
"Almost died during the revolutionary way, if I recall correctly, and if he had he would have been remembered a huge hero, and a martyr."
"Instead he lived and changed sides, and is remembered only for his being a traitor."- uniqueperson22
Be it someone we knew quite intimately, or someone we admired from a far, it is always heartbreaking to see someone evolve from someone we love, to someone we utterly hate.
Sometimes we do things that have to be done.
And some of those things live in life's gray area of right and wrong.
What comes as a surprise to some is when we don't care if we're wrong.
We may still technically be in the right.
But morally and ethically, there may be some issues.
But still, many people don't care.
Redditor BirdyPizzawanted to see who would fess up about some of the worst things we're responsible for but have no shame.
"What is the darkest thing you have ever done and don’t regret?"
I've stolen from department stores that overcharged. I was arrested. I didn't care. So there...
The Grief
"Five years ago my dad suffered a catastrophic stroke. Left paralyzed and robbed of his speech and ability to communicate he was a shell of the once vibrant, charismatic man he once was. He was moved into skilled nursing where he lived for nearly two years, he was miserable."
"On my last visit I told him it was okay if he wanted to leave us, that we would miss him but he should go. A week later I received the call that he had passed. Instead of immediate grief I felt relief. Relief that he was finally free. The grief came later and I still miss him every single day."
theroadtoeverywhere
Things Missing
"Got into a car accident and had to stay with my mom for a couple days to figure out what to do. Went back to my apartment (I had two roommates) and everything was missing from my room. Long story short one of my roommates had everything hidden in her room."
"I called and told her the things were missing from my room and she came up with a lie that a couple girls came to look at my room (I was moving out bc of the accident, long story) and that they must have taken my things. She had everything I owned. Including my grandmothers perfume bottles, stuffed to the back of her closet, under her bed, behind her dresser etc."
"So I packed all of my stuff up. Then took a giant black garbage bag and stuffed as much of her closet in it as I could. Took it to the middle of nowhere, dug a hole and burnt it. She called screaming at me that her stuff was missing. I told her the two girls must have come by and taken her stuff too."
udntsay
Violence
"I hit my uncle left right and center when he was trying to choke my father to death. I was 16 years old at that time, a very skinny girl. I beat his face neck and every part of him that I could target with so much intensity that my knuckles turned blue the next day. I had an animalistic rage that day trying to help my father get away from his death grip. I hate my uncle even today."
"I got anger issues because of growing up around him. And I don't regret beating him that day at all. He was physically abusive to his wife as well. One fine day, his wife retaliated by beating him blue with a stick. And he stopped being physically violent towards her post that."
avadakebakra
Danger
"A neighbor like 10 years ago was neglecting their dog badly in the heat. The dog escaped often and ended up at the shelter a lot. One day she jumped the fence and got her tie-out cable stuck on the fence. (She was not in danger of choking.) Neighbor put her on a 3-foot-long cable tied to a doorknob, no water, 90 degree day. I let some kind folks steal her, watched the whole thing and said nothing to stop them."
Oh-Oh-Ophelia
Goodbye
"When my father was dying and in pain I was the one who told the doctors he had been through enough and we couldn't see him suffer anymore. Doctor injected him with something, I assume a morphine mega dose and he passed peacefully moments after. Euthanasia may not be legal in UK but compassionate doctors know what's what. I don't regret it because my pa made me promise I would have his back when he got sick or old. I'm sad he got sick and never got to get old."
Express_Evidence_23
That is a lot of mess. But sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
Toxic
"One of my ex best friends in high school was a real narcissistic lunatic. Had so many egotistical fantasies about what he deserved but I remained his friend because we met through my close friend (his girlfriend). As I started realizing what a terrible person he was I convinced him to go after his fantasy of a harem by asking to add a 3rd to their relationship, that led to a fight between his gf."
"I called her about it and asked how she felt about him adding someone to their relationship and about him sleeping with her. She said she knew nothing about that and started crying because he cheated on her. I basically helped orchestrate their breakup and have no regrets. She is happy with her first child now and he is in a toxic af relationship with 3 kids, 2 of which aren't his and his partner is 8 years older than him."
skijeng
My Buddy
"Had to make the choice to take my dad off of life support after he got Covid this year. He was sedated for a couple of weeks and one of his lungs collapsed and I couldn't watch him fall apart anymore. My dad was a bulky dude. Constantly did a lot of outdoor work and to see him bone skinny and have no muscle left killed me and I knew even if he somehow got through it, he would have been so miserable and depressed in that state he was in. I don’t regret it. I think it was the right thing to do by him. I’ll never not miss him though. That was my buddy."
CarterS20884
The Ruin
"Turned a close friend into the fish and game. He would poach mountain lions and bears. His whole family would literally shoot them and leave them. He would brag about it. I couldn’t stand it and felt that I needed to stop him. He’s in prison and so is his uncle. I know I ruined his life but he was literally killing so many mountain lions and bears."
Donkey-Puncherr
School Daze
"In middle school, there was this group of boys that would corner me in the hallway and try to scare me. I was the perfect target for these little b**tards. I was short, skinny, and had (and still have) and anxiety disorder. One day I just had enough, and asked a friend if I could have an extra pencil, sharpened it as much as I could, and when I saw one of them in the hallway, I stabbed the hell out of his leg. Sh**head got what he deserved."
leserolith3
Wow... we really are a dark and secretive people.