It's hard being awkward, y'all.
You try your hardest to not be and you just ARE. It's like you can't get away from it.
And then the time comes to go on your first date, which, if you're as awkward as I was (am) doesn't happen until after high school. And then suddenly your awkwardness is pushed past a limit you did not even know existed. It leads to great stories, but bad memories.
Here were some of the best worst answers.
Long Term Bleeding FriendsGiphy
Got way too drunk, slipped and cracked my head open on his sink. Had no idea how bad I was hurt until I walked back into the party and everyone goggled at me in shock because I was covered in blood from where my eyebrow piercing had been ripped out.
THEN he called his dad over to come stitch me up, his dad being a doctor. So that was a nice first meeting of my new boyfriends parent.
I remember thinking "This guy is never going to ask me out again" but he did and we dated for 4 years. Twenty plus years later we're still friends. So I guess it worked out ok in the end.
Good 1h in on my date, we are at a restaurant, got our food and happily consuming it. I feel a sneeze coming. I'm thinking this "remember how some people can hold it off by pinching their nose? Yes, lets try that. Can't be rude right? Can't sneeze on the food either. Will avoid sneezing like a hippo in front of my date like i usually do". It was painful. Sound that came out was weird and attracted not only my date but more unwanted attention. All the mucus was still stuck in my nose and mouth. I couldn't speak or swallow so I decided to go for double thumbs up all around. Stuff in my nose started leaking... Many napkins were sacrificed shortly after.
Smell Ya Later
Happened relatively recently. Went out for a few drinks with someone I met online. I drink beer pretty exclusively, and beer kinda makes one gassy. I excused myself to go to the restroom to pee and cut a few farts. Unfortunately, the restroom was probably only 10 feet from where we were sitting at the bar, so the farts didn't have much of a chance to dissipate between me cutting them and returning to my seat. The smell followed me from the bathroom and settled nicely around us for a few minutes. She was nice enough to not say anything, but yeah, haven't heard from her since.
Leaving The Country
Split a pitcher of beer then went to a movie. During the movie, she got up to go to the bathroom. After she left, I thought I could run to the bathroom myself, and be back before her (for some reason, I thought it would be rude to leave her alone). When I came back to our seats, she was already there but I didn't give it much thought. Hung out at her place for a bit afterward, gave her a kiss goodnight, and went home thinking that I just had a pretty nice date.
A week later, after she wouldn't return any of my calls, I asked our mutual friend who introduced us what the deal was. Turns out that when I went to the bathroom, I accidentally walked into the women's room. I peed in the stall next to her, and she recognized the boots I was wearing. She was totally freaked out. When I finally got a hold of her and tried to explain myself, she told me she was moving to Turkey to get back together with her ex-boyfriend.
I Don't Remember Ordering That Topping
Teenage me on a double date. Sitting on the inside of a booth at a pizza parlor. Took a bite of pizza, way too hot, choked, coughing fit, vomited on the pizza. Seriously. On the pizza. I couldn't get out of the booth and had no where to go while I was choking. Didn't realize I was going to throw up until it was too late. We didn't have a second date.
What Will Happen?
- Locked his keys in the car on our second date, lol. I went to his car to get my wallet which I had left in the glove compartment. Got my wallet, left the keys, locked the door. Took 2 hours to Uber to his place to get the spare.
- Third date we went mini golfing. This was after I worked a 10 hour shift. I didn't know it would be another 2 hours of standing non stop so I took off my shoes. He did not look pleased but I was near tears my feet hurt SO bad.
Still waiting on a 4th date lol
Hitch Isn't A Model For Good Behavior
I had a Hitch-style moment once. I met a girl at a party. We both loved music, and she mentioned her favorite band was also my favorite band at the time (Brand New, if you are curious). We make plans for her to come to my apartment and then go to dinner. When she gets to my place, I strategically have some Brand New playing in the background. She hears the song and immediately begins hysterically sobbing.
It turns out her grandpa had died of cancer 3 months prior and the song (Guernica) was something she listened to multiple times a day to cope with his death.
We didn't make it to dinner.
Forgot her name. Never even got to the date.
I was chatting with this girl online for a few days when we decided to meet up. I head on over to the mall where we were meeting and there she was, sitting on a bench right by the store we decided to meet at.
But...I couldn't remember her name. She had mentioned it to me when we first started chatting but I just couldn't remember it.
Soooo...I walk by the bench and never even stop. She looked at me and smiled and I walked on by. This was in 1999 and neither of us had a cell phone, so she emailed me and asked why I didn't stop and talk. I told her that my vehicle broke down and that guy wasn't me. She thought I had a doppelganger running around.
So Many New Things, So Much Potential To Go Wrong
Went on a 4 day date / hike through the wilds of Alaska. It was a trip over raven glacier, and the surrounding areas.
Before we started the hike, we felt a nice breakfast would be a smart thing to do, so we stop at a local diner to partake of the local cuisine.
What's this on the menu? Reindeer sausage? Sounds wonderful! I've never had reindeer before and the little pepper next to the name showed it was spicy, and man I love me some heat! (If your food does not bite you back, it ain't worth eatin' I always say)
So I eat not one but TWO giant spicy reindeer sausages right before going on a multi day hike over mountains and glaciers.
What the holy hell was I thinking! After about four hours of climbing up switchbacks the low rumbling down deep in my guts began. It got BAD. I mean, stomach cramps, bending over in pain, having to stop to take a "dump" every ten minutes for almost three days straight! I can't even begin to describe the smell, almost a mix between molten tar and rancid Thai food. I brought 4 rolls of bathroom paper.
I ran out by lunch on day 2.
So boys and girls, never, i mean NEVER try to eat something new, much less spicy before a multi day trip. The girl? She stayed with me after all that. no idea why, but she did.
Pizza Is Usually A Good Date IdeaGiphy
I had just read in the Bible how they anointed themselves with oil. So I tried washing my hair with a half cup of olive oil before the date.
Turns out it doesn't wash out.
We went to the theatre. I had oil puddling in my ears the entire date. My socks kept getting oily. I smelled like a pizza.
I didn't get a second date. College at BYU was weird for me
I ate a hamburger in front of a vegetarian on a first date. Combination of the nerves from this being technically my first date ever and the constant fear that I'd made some sort of dating crime made me feel so sick my throat more or less closed up.
She later became my girlfriend anyway.
We dated for a disturbingly long time, considering that she wasn't the best person I've known.
Licked Faces Make For Strong Relationships
Not me, but I was the other half of the date.
We had just confessed our affections to each other over text after a few months of "will they, won't they". We decided to meet up together the next day, and just go for a walk and spend some time together as boyfriend and girlfriend. It should be noted that he had spent the last few days and nights writing his dissertation, and our first date was the day off his deadline.
We had agreed that he would meet me outside of my sixth form after my final session of that day, and so I waited outside for him to arrive. I think it was an hour, maybe an hour and a half before I had enough of waiting in the cold breezy weather and decided I would wait in the sixth form library instead. I hadn't even got in to the building when he text me apologizing because he'd fallen asleep because he was exhausted from staying up so much to write his dissertation. He asked if I still wanted to meet up, and that he could be there in a few minutes (he lived right behind my sixth form).
We met up and walked from the town centre to near my home (an hour walk if you're not dawdling), half way through the walk we stopped at a bench at a bus stop for a rest and shared our first "kiss" (AKA: I snogged his face off), when we finally came up for air there were half a dozen people waiting for the bus who were not there when we sat down, we later stopped at another bench and kissed only to have two staffys almost jump in our laps and lick our faces (their owners were mortified that their dogs had interrupted our kissing but we thought it was hilarious and the dogs were so cute and friendly), and that was pretty much the date.
I've told this story a few times and people always seem a mixture of shocked and amused that I was left waiting for so long. It's been over five years since then and we're still together and going strong.
Edit: I also had a two hour gap between my first and last class that day, so I used it to quickly head home. Once I was home, I looked up some videos in YouTube about how to kiss, because I'd never kissed anyone before.
Sometimes The Worst Leads To The Best
I ordered an ENTIRE pizza for my dinner on our first date thinking it was a personal size pizza. Nope. I was so nervous I didn't read the menu closely enough to see I was ordering a large pizza. My date was too polite to say anything (he ordered a sandwich) nor did the waitress. I was mortified when the order came out. I made sure to send him home with the leftovers. That was 16 years ago and we've been together since! It's one of our favorite stories and we still go to that restaurant from time to time!
Not A Touchy Human
I went on this amazing date at a really nice outdoor like plaza mall thing. We hit it off pretty well, after talking for a few weeks online. We had great food, great drinks, walked around and talked for a few hours. But the whole time, she kept gently nudging me. Im not one for a lot of PDA so I just didn't really do anything. She kept bumping into me and just generally rubbing shoulders.
I never did end up physically touching her back in anyway. Im 99% sure thats a big reason why we stopped talking.
God I still look back to that day though and miss every second of it.
Porous Pepper SprayGiphy
I had Deputy training earlier in the day and they had pepper sprayed us. Well, after many hours of washing and rinsing I thought I was fine. Have some friends over at the house and one of them I am really into. Night goes on, we start to make out, and the pepper spray was released from my pores. She was like why are my lips and face on fire. We laughed about it, made some crude jokes about possible mouth that makes things hot jokes, and never saw her again.