There are just somethings that really should be said in person or over the phone. I love to text as much as the next guy, but not about important life matters. Don't be that lazy y'all. I realize that we've lost the patience and aptitude for human connection but we can get it back, just by the sound of a comforting voice. Or let's just use our brains when we are communicating. Think about how would you like to receive certain types of news? Then act accordingly.
Redditor u/jdparmenter wanted everyone to come together and spill some tea about those morning messages we've had to deal with once we look at our devices by asking.... What is the worst text message you could wake up to?"NEVER SAY THAT!!"
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Other than a text about the death or serious injury of someone you love, the "we need to talk" text would be second in line.
My wife will do this often. It's usually something not super duper important, but that she wants to hammer out quickly. Doctor visits, budgeting for our daughter's seasonal clothing, bills, etc.
I've told her multiple times that her wording sends me into a minor panic, but either she forgets or she just likes making me squirm for no other reason than to fuck with me.
Someone better be dead!
EMERGENCY BROADCAST - THOSE STILL ALIVE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO LOCAL SHELTERS!!
January 13, 2018. My phone went off and since I work for the state I woke up to see what the alarm was in case I needed to head into work. Woke up the wife and kid and then tried calling Civil Defense to figure out wtf was going on.
No official reply for over 30 mins, served like an eternity.
911
"I hope you read this in time. I need help."
That was a pretty bad one to wake up to. I'm not sure if being preceded by a plea for help would have made it better or worse.
You Better Go Back!
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"I'm getting Dunkin' in 5 minutes, text me what you want."
delivered 14 minutes ago.
I've shed real tears over these kinds of missed texts.
Love Mom....
"11 Missed Calls From: MOM."
After my mom died, I saved the last voicemail she sent me, and that was when she asked if I was eating well and taking care of myself. I almost wish it was my birthday phone call, but I got to hear that live so it was never recorded. But the one I actually have saved is the most Mom thing ever, so I guess it's sort of fitting.
Bad Morning...
The one I actually did wake up to on Christmas morning. "I tried calling. Your dad died."
I'm sorry for your loss, pal. Two xmas ago I couldn't get a hold of my mum on the phone. Also tried calling my brother and uncle who would definitely have been with her for Christmas. Nobody would answer the phone or text me back for hours. Worst feeling ever. Finally heard back from my brother, mum had a stroke and was in the hospital. It didn't take her then, but it was the beginning of the end.
Incoming....
Whatever that text was that everyone in Hawaii got saying a nuke was inbound.
My daughter, baby grandson, and husband were there too. It truly is the worst text to wake up to.
Mom, incoming missile threat to Hawaii, this is not a drill. I love you.
Avert your Eyes!
"DO NOT LOOK AT THE MOON!"
From what i think they're referring to is some fan made video about a government 'mandated' emergency lockdown that has a very eerie feel to it and it flashes a bunch of vague messages broadcasted across all devices to not look up at the ceiling, lock all doors, don't look outside or at the moon. super creepy video that had me paranoid for a second.
Good Boy
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My friend got a text once that said "good job buddy" he didn't know who it was so he replied "it burns when i pee."
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Reddit user Purple_Pineapple_752 asked:
"If God gave you his powers for 1 hour, What would you do?"
So here's the thing, Reddit has no chill.
Like none.
So every random whim, thought, or chip on people's shoulders certainly came out in the comments.
And honestly... it's delicious.
Some Redesigns Needed
"Redesign human knee and shoulder joints. Because, seriously, I've got some bug reports that have been ignored."
- m_sporkboy
"You’ve got my vote! As a nearly 30yr old with chronic arthritis, I’d say thank you!"
- RiskyBisc
"Yup. Tore my ACL the other month in college football and am now a 'house potato' according to my dad."
- Bu11tproofTiger
"Both of my shoulders are reconstructed. My hips are finished as well an I'm in my 30s ."
"I think the human body needs to be made of better quality parts at this point lol"
- lolparty247
GiphyGame Time
"Elected politicians, and candidates for office can no longer lie."
"Intentionally or unintentionally, every thing they express will be truth. If they try to lie, it will come out truth."
"This is not meant to be wholly benevolent."
"No half truths. No vagaries. The plain and objective truth, or silence. Those are their options."
"And it applies to all elected politicians, officially government sponsored ones (MPs) or otherwise, like say the elected spokesman of the IRA."
"Let the games begin."
- AlphaTangoFoxtrt
"This is actually terrifying."
"Imagine you are elected. You want to know the nuclear launch codes? No worries, just try to state the first character in the sequence."
"You cannot lie. So what you say will come out as correct. Now just have someone write it down."
"Want the password to the white house twitter account? No worries, just get someone to vote you into some form of office. Could be you and joe-no-body, it doesn't matter."
"Privacy would end overnight."
"No no no, you want them to not be able to tell intentional lies. Then at least it's limited to things they know. And just for good measure, give every elected official a strong sense of questioning their own knowledge."
- UFO64
"I feel like this power will end up being a monkeys paw. You try to do good but it has an equal/opposite reaction..."
"You make it so politicians can't lie, and the followers just accept it and still vote them into power."
"Make it so people have critical thinking and aren't easily misled by conspiracies and propaganda, then I dunno, maybe we find out we needed conspiracies in our life and we now no longer question anything.. Idk.."
"You remove corruption and it has some unforeseen knock on impact where now South American or African countries become super powers and a new cold war erupts with new players."
"Yeh monkeys paw... Beware of this power..."
- splashbodge
GiphyToast Technicalities
"Create various images on toast and have fun watching believers react to them."
- CaptchaSolvingRobot
"But technically... they would be right because it was you as God!! You!!"
- SonOfARemington
"I’ve often wondered how many people eat their Jesus toast without ever bothering to check."
"Extending the thought, how many people actually do check their toast only to think to themselves, 'Hey! It’s Keanu Reeves!' ”
- smeeding
GiphyCan We Vote For This Person?
"1st of all, I would make it so that everyone napping always wakes up refreshed. All naps now last 23 minutes but feel like 4 hours of perfect sleep."
"Nothing is addictive."
"All men are given perfect recall about everything their wives have said or done."
"All women obtain positive body images."
"Taco trees."
"People who are cool never have their shoe laces come undone. A-holes have their laces break every Friday."
"Dogs stay small puppies for 3 extra months and come out potty trained."
"Turtles can play trumpet."
"America switches to metric with no fuss."
"The internet makes sense to everyone over 70....but they chose to avoid social media anyway."
"Corn syrup goes away."
"All religions announce simultaneously that God is kinda... but not exactly gay."
"Every swastika owned drawn or tattooed is slowly burned away over a week. It hurts really bad and is replaced by a picture of a teddy bear blowing a very startled looking Nick Cage."
- Ethandrul
"You had me at trumpet turtles and taco trees."
- fallen87angel
"I also choose this god."
- PBnBacon·
GiphyAssuming I'm Still Interested
"Assuming I’m still really interested in Earth, get us back to zero or a good starting point."
"Remove all trash and pollution everywhere. It just ceases to exist."
"Complete all municipal separated storm sewer projects instantly."
"Instantly create storm water gardens wherever necessary. Instantly eliminate lawn culture and convert to lawn alternatives to eliminate run off."
"Instantly convert all power generation to safe thorium nuclear and renewable. Instantly convert all sea shipping to clean nuclear."
"Instantly convert all cars to electric. Create charging stations at every residence."
"Instantly convert all heavy construction equipment to a safer fuel (I don’t know what yet). Instantly put solar panels on every structure/house. Instantly create bike lanes everywhere. Instantly create bike culture of the Netherlands everywhere."
"Upgrade everywhere to high speed rail systems similar to Japan. Switch all roads to permeable pavement."
"Instantly perform major upgrades on every structure, road and bridge everywhere. Have all work go to new construction and maintenance."
"Instantly install field drains and timer stadium lights in all playing fields."
"Instantly process all rape kits in all police stations."
"Instantly repair all playgrounds and park features everywhere."
"Automatically register everyone to vote. Create 10 new states out of Texas and California. Instantly pass political reform."
"Legalize all drugs. Instantly create more treatment centers."
"Instantly cure all ailments that are in recovery in hospital and would cure naturally. Instantly move those patients back home."
"Instantly kill all patients who would die naturally. Instantly inform all families."
"Instantly remove all graveyards and eliminate practice of saving dead. Create new ritual of donation to science or turn into tree."
"Instantly create depression cure. Instantly create obesity cure. Instantly create formula to grow/repair existing teeth."
"Instantly change taxation rate to post WW2 for businesses. Instantly change view of all workers to pro-union."
"Instantly identify and eliminate all political corruption. Have everyone just realize all this exists."
"Eliminate all religious belief everywhere. Instantly create belief in helping neighbors, being a good person, and creating a heaven on earth."
"Eliminate all mosquitoes. Bring back bees."
"Is time up? Was that an hour?"
- winnower8
GiphyOne Solution To The Fossil Fuel Issue
"Having given it some thought:"
"Easy parthenogenesis for all humans, regardless of their biological sex and mental identity."
"And the natural ability to self terminate pregnancies. And self. That would wipe out a whole bunch of angst and repression in the world."
"The ability to fly, as someone else suggested, at fairly rapid speeds. This would vastly change society, no more cars, planes, elevators, stairs, possibly no more country borders, it would be nearly impossible to enforce. The demand for oil would plummet and the environment would be healthier."
"Extra longevity, with senescence happening only a few years before death."
- CanadianJogger
GiphyGenderqueer Garlic Bread
"Make an easily accessed and super powerful source of electrical energy that's renewable and environmentally friendly, it's also easily accessed (this could just be 100% efficient solar gen, or a generator that somehow turns heat back into useable energy? I dunno I'll be god, I could figure it out)."
"Cure All Diseases"
"Humanity now has the ability to magically transform themselves freely to look however they choose, provided it's still anthropomorphic."
"I'm genderqueer; this would make it so all the non-cis people wouldn't need expensive drugs and surgery, or suffering, although I guess we'd be dealing with a few furries but y'know that's fine with me."
"Reverse earth's environmental damage back to pre-industrial while maintaining all the infrastructure changes."
"Finally, all major US and Canadian highways are underground and infinitely maintainable, AND there's also Bullet Trains that run underground with them along the WHOLE interstate/400 Series and Extension/Trans-Can that way I NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE AN HOUR TO WORK AGAIN."
"AND all Cities with populations over 10K have more-than-adequate 100% free public transit that's also so efficient the busses/trains/trolleys/whatever are never late."
"OH one more thing: Since everyone is gonna be sexy because of the Shapeshifting, everyone is either pansexual, or ace, and the people that are ace aren't seen as weird and are completely respected in their orientation. And we all have an innate sense both to locate each other and to locate garlic bread."
- someBrokeCanadian
GiphyThe Timer
"I would set a timer for 10 years and then everyone dies and the earth explodes. I would make everyone aware of the timer."
"I think that would eliminate a lot of bullshit around the world like war and hate, and would make for a really good last time alive until we all die together."
"Am I a weirdo?"
- DoobieMcBeast
GiphySky Farm
"Erase COVID"
"Curse everyone whose name was listed in the Pandora Papers to spontaneously explode somewhere in public and just let the media chips fall where they will."
"Create a sky-dwelling jellyfish that eats carbon fumes and whose tentacles contain a chemical that makes you feel total euphoria for 8 hours straight."
"See how long it takes humans to turn them into a carbon-sucking, drug-producing sky farm animal."
- NebulaPlural
"I am 100% on board for carbon-Hoover-jelly-sky-fish-farms."
"Magnificent."
- sinskins
Giphy"Because Who Wouldn't?"
"I'd get rid of all mental impairment diseases and conditions. Alzheimers, Dementia, the severe mental impairment that some kids are born with (Not sure what the various conditions are called)."
"I would make humans and other animals immune to cancer. I would extend healthy human lifespans by another 50 years, and dogs and cats can also live as long as humans."
"I would then give humans the ability to research and cure other diseases and ailment so that mankind could eventually have treatments for such things as they come along. I say this because I only get an hour and things will appear in the future that can't be predicted (even with God's power)."
"And lastly, I'd of course, give my self a bigger dick, because who wouldn't?"
- ClownfishSoup
GiphyOh you didn't honestly think we were going to get through an article about god-like powers and NOT have someone use it for penises... did you?
Come on now.
You're not THAT new on the internet.
You know how people are around here.
What would YOU use your god-like powers for now that you've read some of Reddits ideas? Let us know in the comments.
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