There are just somethings that really should be said in person or over the phone. I love to text as much as the next guy, but not about important life matters. Don't be that lazy y'all. I realize that we've lost the patience and aptitude for human connection but we can get it back, just by the sound of a comforting voice. Or let's just use our brains when we are communicating. Think about how would you like to receive certain types of news? Then act accordingly.
Redditor u/jdparmenter wanted everyone to come together and spill some tea about those morning messages we've had to deal with once we look at our devices by asking.... What is the worst text message you could wake up to?"NEVER SAY THAT!!"
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Other than a text about the death or serious injury of someone you love, the "we need to talk" text would be second in line.
My wife will do this often. It's usually something not super duper important, but that she wants to hammer out quickly. Doctor visits, budgeting for our daughter's seasonal clothing, bills, etc.
I've told her multiple times that her wording sends me into a minor panic, but either she forgets or she just likes making me squirm for no other reason than to fuck with me.
Someone better be dead!
EMERGENCY BROADCAST - THOSE STILL ALIVE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO LOCAL SHELTERS!!
January 13, 2018. My phone went off and since I work for the state I woke up to see what the alarm was in case I needed to head into work. Woke up the wife and kid and then tried calling Civil Defense to figure out wtf was going on.
No official reply for over 30 mins, served like an eternity.
911
"I hope you read this in time. I need help."
That was a pretty bad one to wake up to. I'm not sure if being preceded by a plea for help would have made it better or worse.
You Better Go Back!
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"I'm getting Dunkin' in 5 minutes, text me what you want."
delivered 14 minutes ago.
I've shed real tears over these kinds of missed texts.
Love Mom....
"11 Missed Calls From: MOM."
After my mom died, I saved the last voicemail she sent me, and that was when she asked if I was eating well and taking care of myself. I almost wish it was my birthday phone call, but I got to hear that live so it was never recorded. But the one I actually have saved is the most Mom thing ever, so I guess it's sort of fitting.
Bad Morning...
The one I actually did wake up to on Christmas morning. "I tried calling. Your dad died."
I'm sorry for your loss, pal. Two xmas ago I couldn't get a hold of my mum on the phone. Also tried calling my brother and uncle who would definitely have been with her for Christmas. Nobody would answer the phone or text me back for hours. Worst feeling ever. Finally heard back from my brother, mum had a stroke and was in the hospital. It didn't take her then, but it was the beginning of the end.
Incoming....
Whatever that text was that everyone in Hawaii got saying a nuke was inbound.
My daughter, baby grandson, and husband were there too. It truly is the worst text to wake up to.
Mom, incoming missile threat to Hawaii, this is not a drill. I love you.
Avert your Eyes!
"DO NOT LOOK AT THE MOON!"
From what i think they're referring to is some fan made video about a government 'mandated' emergency lockdown that has a very eerie feel to it and it flashes a bunch of vague messages broadcasted across all devices to not look up at the ceiling, lock all doors, don't look outside or at the moon. super creepy video that had me paranoid for a second.
Good Boy
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My friend got a text once that said "good job buddy" he didn't know who it was so he replied "it burns when i pee."
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
Redditor Beadiest_Cape wanted to hear the best cuss free insults out there and asked:
“What's the best insult you've heard without swearing?"
Professor burn…
“After getting a compliment on his assignment, A buddy of mine leaned back in his chair and told our college professor, ‘I'm not as dumb as I look.’ To which he leaned forward on his podium and said, ‘You couldnt be.’” dusty_boots
“…and may God have mercy on your soul.”
“One of the best is from Billy Madison, ‘What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.’” maswriter
You should apologize…
“You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don’t die.” WhatThatBoiDoin
“Whenever this question is posted, my favorite is usually along the lines of: ‘There's a tree somewhere in the Amazon jungle with sole purpose of producing oxygen you breathe. You should go find that tree and apologize." all_worth
How low can they go?
“The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel” BlckAlchmst
“That reminds me of one comment i read saying: ‘the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil’.” give_it_a_vodkashot
Series 2 Limbo GIF by BBC ThreeGiphy"Having been born an infant, and realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever." overt-wan-kenobert
“From Casablanca: ‘You probably think pretty poorly of me don't you?’”
"’I would if I gave you any thought’" koiven
These teachers got clap backs for days…
“I had a teacher tell some kid ‘Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.’ He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison.” glib_battling
“I had a guy sit behind me in English class let out of fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said ‘that's the most intelligent thing you've said all year’. Priceless” melbers22
Bob Dylan…
“Bob Dylan: One day, I wish you'd be in my shoes, so you could know... what a drag it is to see you.” WhatDaufuskie
“I was at a karaoke 50th the other night and this one caught my eye. Thankfully I wasn't drunk enough to sing it. But I love this song for its sick burn. Poor old Edie. Bob really gave it to her that time.” crankenfranken
Down the Monty Python rabbit hole…
“Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt... of elderberries!” UpTwoDownOne
“Elderberries were the cheap replacement for grapes in making wine. That is basically ‘your father is a drunk and can't afford the good stuff’.” ukezi
“And hamsters have sex all the time with no regard for monogamy.” draconum_ggg
“So, ‘Your mother is being cheated on but is also a w*ore and you father is a drunk who is also broke’.” EmpanadaDeMayonesa2
Firefly insults…
“‘My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a...middle.’ --Mal Reynolds”
"’It's not that I hate you, exactly; it's just that any admiration I have for you is well under control.’” FlourChild1026
Shakespeare master of insults…
“Straight from Shakespeare ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.” Dundeklil
“Also from Shakespeare: (Fallstaff, after Bardolf calls him fat) ‘Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life.’” driving_andflying
Excuse us while we go grab the burn cream.
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Sure, it's depressing, but you know what? Aging happens to all of us, and no one is getting out of here alive.
"What gets worse with age?"
Physical consequences of aging is one of the cruelest things in life.
What The Body Does With Food
"Digestive system."
"Every meal is followed by a poop."
Fighting Gravity
"Bending over to pick a quarter off the ground. Hurts your back, gut and your fingers don't work. That's why there is change all over my floor. ;)"
After A Wild Night
"Hangovers for sure."
"At 18 I could go heavily drink and feel damn near 100% the next day. Now I get horrid mental and physical effects. Probably should quit drinking all together."
When our senses gradually start to fail us, it's yet another reminder of our brief mortality.
Look, See
"eyesight."
"Make sure you get your eye dilated every year and check for cataracts."
See, Hear
"My hearing is on the decline. I don't think it'll go completely, but I did get hearing aids last year."
Deaf GIF by memecandyGiphyThe degeneration of certain abilities as we get older is too much to bear.
Staying Above Water
"My ability to cope. I'm just burnt out all the time."
"I feel the same. Aside from my family and friends, I have no care for anyone or anything anymore. Nothing phases me but that's not a good thing IMO. I feel very apathetic towards everything, I'm tired all the time and just want to lay down."
Counting Sheep
"The ability to sleep through the night."
– dabuku1
"Used to be a world champion sleeper and now 5-6 straight hours is huge. Pretty much wide awake every night at 3am."
Putting Up With People
"Humanity.... The older I get the less I want to deal with people."
Maintaining Friendships
"Friendship - making new friends after your 20s becomes a big struggle, and the newer friendships just aren't the same. You can literally run out of 'lifelong friends' due to death, disease, people growing apart, etc."
– cowanon7
I found as I'm getting older my patience and tolerance for certain things have gotten worse.
Waiting in line at the grocery store while someone fumbles with their payment option, or getting antsy when the food I ordered at the restaurant is taking way too long are things that never bothered me ten years ago.
I"m not curmudgeonly by any means, at least not yet. Besides, I'm not that old.
But to all the cranky elders I grew up with who complained about poor service or lack of efficiency, I get it now, and I hear you.