Oh the matters of the heart are just never going to be easy. Love seems to be a never ending mess. I've dated a lot and can attest that the percentage of bad to good is 70/30. And that may be generous math.
I've heard about people fighting on dates, setting fire to the restaurant, discovering hidden identities and dramas I thought only ever occurred on daytime television.
I use to believe the biggest fear about dating was that the other person may turn out to be a serial killer, but they at least tend to show you a respectable time before they strike.
Oof. Let's see who has been left scarred by the hunt.
Redditoru/givemeyourfreefoodwanted everyone to share the stories that almost made them re-think searching for love, by asking:
What's the worst date you ever had?
I remember the worst date I ever had. My biggest regret is that I stayed for the entire thing. I should've left as soon as I realized this was not going well, which was basically at hello. But he was paying so I drank, a lot. I'll keep names and dates to myself to protect the innocent.
0/10
Big Brother Reaction GIF by Big Brother After DarkGiphy"Went to brewery, date said I had hairy arms and that meant I was horny, said "you look really awful in this light" and then tried to dig out of that hole by saying in his native language that was a term of endearment long term couples said to each other. 0/10 did not date again."
Lucky 13?
"My wife wanted to plan our 13th wedding anniversary. I was excited because usually, I plan it. She bought us some new disc golf discs and after a quick supper, we went to play. We hadn't played in forever. We were laughing and I had a great time. She served me with divorce papers and told me that the date was a test to see if she still had feelings for me. I also learned that she was having an affair that started well before our anniversary."
- rmorlock
Two Hours from Home
"Not necessarily a date but a person I was dating invited me to his parent's house for the afternoon. He wanted to introduce me to them and show me the house he grew up in. I thought it was super sweet and had no problems going. He was also in the middle of moving and needed to pick up a few things, so it really didn't seem that unusual."
"Yeah, we got there and it was awful. His entire family was there. They traveled from hours away too. This was not just meeting the parents, it was meeting the ENTIRE family. Even worse? At some point, this idiot told his parents that he had proposed. We had been dating TWO months. I spent the entire afternoon dumbfounded and just playing along."
"We were two hours from home and I had no cell service, no way to leave at all. We ended up spending the afternoon brainstorming wedding ideas and planning an Alaskan honeymoon that his parents planned to gift us. His brother even called to say congratulations! We drove back to his apartment in silence. When we got there, I got in my car and left, didn't even bother grabbing my stuff. Weirdest experience ever. I have no idea how he broke it to his parents that we weren't getting married."
You're Cut Off!
"Got set up on a blind date once between mutual friends. She shows up to the restaurant already a little tipsy, orders multiple appetizers and only takes like one or two bites from each one. Then she proceeds to order 3 or 4 more drinks and is visibly drunk at this point. She gets up and says she's going to the bathroom and staggers off. About 15-20 minutes go by so I try to call her several times but no answer."
"Finally I decide to pay the check and just leave. About 2 hours later I'm sitting at home and I get a call from an unknown number. It's the police department. She was picked up on a DUI on her way home after she ditched me and gave the cops my number to see if I could go bail her out!"
- mox44ah
Sorry?
Bbc Three Idk GIF by BBCGiphy"Well, I gave this answer on a different topic, but it ties in with this. We were out on a date, we had been seeing each other for a while, close to a year maybe. She gets a phone call. Suddenly she looks destroyed. Her fiancé had just died in a motorcycle accident."
What in the world? I mean how can we ever expect to pair off with the dating pool being inundated with liars and nut jobs? I'm going to delete my apps.
Girl, Bye.
Sassy Beyonce GIFGiphy"Had a girl openly flirt with the bartender in front of me. She says she wasn't. But handing him her own phone and asking for his contact info in front of her date seems like it to me."
Crazy!
"Came out from a movie, late at night, and date's Camaro was stolen. Apparently, he called his WIFE (that I did not know he had) and let her know where he was and what happened. She showed up and realized he was on a date! She started chasing ME around the parking lot telling me she was going to kill me. Saved by the cops who showed up just in time to take the auto theft report."
911 Operators Break Down The Strangest Call They've Ever Received | George Takei’s Oh Myyy
Hey Mom
"Met a girl at a country bar one night in my 20s. We were both pretty drunk but hit it off pretty good. Ended up getting her number and we agreed we'd go on a real date. Fast forward to the date, she gets in my vehicle and... she looks almost identical to my mom. I was mortified. I was polite and we went for lunch where I found out she also had a boyfriend she "wasn't sure if she was into". Never talked to her again."
- SgtGo
Liars...
"When I was in college many years ago, before the advancement of cell phones and social media, I was chatting with a girl I met on a BBS who lived on Long Island, NY. I was 18 at the time, but lied and said I was 22 because she said she was 25. We spent a few weeks emailing each other, as well as calling each other."
"We even exchanged pics. When we finally met up, things blew up. Turns out we both lied about our ages: She was really 33, and lied because she thought she looked younger. She admitted she sent a college photo to me. We still had dinner together, but it was awkward as hell. We never spoke again."
Doubles
Kill Me Now Season 1 GIF by FriendsGiphy"It was a double date. She was more interested talking to the other girl throughout the whole thing. Found out later from the other guy that his girl cheated on him with my date."
Post Divorce...
"First date after my divorce. She was nothing like her profile picture and just a horrible person. But that not the fun bit. She stalked me to my work van after the date and took down my phone number. On the way home she asked if I would come back and see her, said thanks but no thanks and have a nice life."
"In the proceeding days I received numerous texts and phone calls from her and had to have her number blocked by my phone provider. On new years day at 4am I receive a call... from her ex husband asking what was wrong with her? That she is a good person etc. etc. Turns out they went out on NYE and got crap faced together and decided to call me. I hung up only for them to keep calling me back. Ended up turning my phone off. Woke around 7."
"Turned my phone on and I had received 20+ voice recordings that were getting more and more threatening, on the last one I could hear them in a car saying they were coming over to get me. Spoke to my neighbour who gets up early and had gone for a run and he told me there were a couple being arrested around the corner from our place drunk as hell who had hit a light pole. Scary thing is I had my 2 daughters with me that night."
"You sound like my grandma"
"In college, I hit it off with a girl and agreed to go on a first date to a school hockey game. When I met her there, I realized I had forgotten my wallet, so I had to borrow $5 from her to pay for my ticket. Not a great start, and I could tell I had dug myself an early hole."
"Then, once we sat down, we realized that neither of us liked hockey at all. I have no idea why we agreed to meet there, but we were both totally uninterested in the game. So we started talking about other things we were into, and I mentioned that I liked board games."
"She said, "You sound like my grandma." At that point it was clear that neither of us were into this at all, but it was the first period of a hockey game that she had paid 10 whole dollars for, and neither of us felt right leaving. We sat there and stonily watched the rest of the game. Afterwards, we said, "Let's hang out sometime," and then never messaged each other again. Then, a few semesters later, my friend called me up all excited about a new girl he was dating."
"He wanted me to come to a get-together at his apartment and meet her. I walk in, and of course he's sitting on the couch with his arm around the very same hockey-hating girl. I immediately grabbed my wallet, handed her $5, and said, "Thank God! I've been looking for you for two years!" She laughed, and things went all right after that."
The Right Way
Karen Reaction GIF by MOODMANGiphy"I had a date send her drink back several times and eventually had our server bring out all of the ingredients in separate glasses so that she could mix it herself, the "right way." What's worse is we were both in the service industry at the time."
Corpses...
"It was with an undertaker's assistant. He'd circle every topic of conversation back to corpses."
Me: "So, do you know what you're gonna order?"
Him: "Well I was thinking the steak, but I had eaten steak when we got the river guy in, and now it makes me feel queasy."
"I ended up leaving after half an hour."
"looked disgusting"
"Met her at a bar. She ordered food but didn't eat it since it "looked disgusting" (it looked fine). So we left to go to a different restaurant and on the walk there, she kept ducking and glancing at the sky like she was being attacked by bats. She hardly said anything over then whole date, it was like pulling teeth to get her to talk about herself. At the second restaurant she took forever ordering and again didn't eat because the food looked disgusting. Emailing about the date afterwards, she admitted that she was high on "ice", which I guess is some kind of meth?"
Never go to Applebee"s!!
"Met a guy at a concert who asked me out to dinner the next weekend. Said we'd go to a restaurant halfway between his place and mine. Gives me the address which I printed out on Mapquest bc this was before GPS was normal on phones or in cars. I get there and it's an apartment building. Call him to say I think he gave me the wrong address and he said, nope! You're driving. Takes me to an Applebee's because they have the cheapest happy hour he said. We have one drink and he eats potato wedges by himself."
"When I drove him back, he asked me where my overnight bag was. I said I'm not staying the night and thanks for the beverage. He took my keys out of my ignition and told me to go upstairs. I told him if he doesn't give me my keys back, I will start screaming and call the cops. He threw them in the front seat as he got out telling me I'm missing out on hot tub time. I thankfully never saw him again."
thanks mom...
canadian what GIF by CBCGiphy"He was over an hour late, no text or call, and when he finally showed up, his excuse was "sorry I'm late, my mom had to take a poop."
Cheaters
"I went to a new year's eve party with a guy I had been chatting with for months. When we get there his friends asks him where his girlfriend is, and they were not referring to me. I went out for a smoke at that point and he went after, saying she was boring and he was gonna break up with her. I didn't hang out with him for the rest of the night. I guess I should thank him because I hooked up with the party host instead and we've been together for 7 years."
- mayneffs
The Carnage...
"A guy approached me at a coffee shop and we ended up hitting it off and talking all night. About a week later we had our first "real date" at my place so I could cook him dinner. I lived in a small one bedroom apartment at the time and the bathroom door was right next to the kitchen."
"He excused himself before dinner and proceeded to take the loudest, and what I presumed to be, the most massive poop this universe has ever seen. The sounds of the toilet carnage still echo in my nightmares. I of course didn't mention that I heard the whole event and we went about our evening. After dinner we got into my bed so we could watch a movie."
"30 minutes into it, I needed to use the restroom, so I got out of the bed to reveal that I had unknowingly started my period and left a noticeable pool of blood where I was sitting. He helped me change the sheets. Anyway, we've been married a year now and he still takes the nastiest dumps known to mankind."
Hold Tight!
No Way Reaction GIF by OriginalsGiphy"She started talking about her life story from childhood to that day. Year by year... with every single traumatic story and emotions. That was our first ever date and she didn't even let me speak for that duration. I was like "oh okay she is now talking about high school 6 more years left, hold tight."
Ummm... I think I'm just going to stay single. That is a handful of crazy. Why can't people just be honest? I swear the search for love warps people's brains. Be careful out there people.
Want to "know" more? Never miss another big, odd, funny, or heartbreaking moment again. Sign up for the Knowable newsletter here.
How to lose a job in 10 seconds.
Now, that sounds like a fun show to watch.
It is astonishing how fast people can lose their jobs.
Some people really need to learn how to actually exist at a job.
You'd think it'd be simple... but no.
Redditor Quintowne wanted to hear about all of the ways some employees have been let go, so they asked:
"What is the fastest way you've seen someone get fired?"
With many years in food service under my belt, I've had more co-workers than Mars, Incorporated has made M&M's.
So many were gone by the end of shift one.
Secrets
Car Police GIF by BabylonBeeGiphy"New person got access to the medical records system. Week 2 - Looked up our boss and bragged about it. Was walked out and gone the second week."
JenntheGreat13
Okay. Bye.
"My first job was in a small grocery store and my boss asked a coworker to do the dishes in the bakery (baking pans, etc). She replied: 'I only do my own dishes, somebody else put these here so I’m not doing them. I’m serious. Fire me if you want, I won’t do them.'"
"Boss says 'Okay then, don’t bother finishing your shift, goodbye!'"
Selios2112
Sticky Fingers
"First day at work, hired by a temp agency. Me and one other guy, we put stuff in boxes and tape them shut, stack boxes on a pallet. He can't keep up, can barely use a tape gun, and decides it's time for a break. Goes to the lunch room and takes a lunch. It was the boss's lunch, he stole the guy's meal his wife prepared for him. The boss man came over 15 minutes later and wanted to know who ate his BBQ, sticky fingers, and BBQ on his shirt he denied it. I just looked at him and the Boss and said well I hope it was good man."
BigNotGay420
He Was Warned
"Worked at an ISP back in the 90s and had a guy working late shift. Found out quickly he wasn't answering the phone at all, but just playing video games. He was warned. The next day he walks in to work with a Voodoo2 graphics card to install in his work computer to improve the game playing. Fired before he sat down."
Beestung
"Oh Gawd, just reading the word voodoo brought out a flash of memories I buried."
calamnet2
Oh Willy
wet willy martial arts GIFGiphy"First day on the job, gave another coworker a wet-willy. Sh*t you not."
themoistdonut
I have never understood this wet willy thing.
Completely disgusting.
Who even came up with it?
Loopholes
Angry Season 4 GIF by The OfficeGiphy"Had a coworker explain to our supervisor how he found this great loophole for making extra money: if a customer had exact change, he’d just pocket the cash and cancel the order on the register."
DudebroggieHouser
On the Spot
"Had a supervisor start selling Amway from his office, hinted at favorable treatment for anyone who would buy. Reported him to HR--and when they asked if it was true, he pulled out a catalog and tried to sell them something. Fired on the spot."
walkingknight
"I did customer support at a software company that sold to other businesses, and every one of us had one customer that we hated a hell of a lot more than any other. The guy who sat next to me hated Amway."
MajorNoodles
"A high school friend's dad offered me a job with his company after I graduated, it was 'Do the interview and then go to work.' The interview consisted of a five-minute spiel about the company and a 45-minute Amway sales pitch with the understanding that if I didn't agree to sell Amway for him, I wouldn't get the job. Dad called me a couple of days later wondering to know why I didn't take the job. I started to work at about the same time the former interviewer stopped working there."
m945050
$100
"Half an hour. Working in Arby's, a new girl shows up. They run her through how to work the cash register on a few dummy orders. She takes a real order or two and then it gets slow. She asked to duck out for a minute to smoke and never came back. Register ended up being $100 short that day."
AaronKMartinez
"Always smart to rob a place after giving them your name and address."
Bobby_Newpooort
Hangover
"The guy responsible for opening the shop on Saturday morning went out and got blitzed on Friday night. We showed up to work to find his car in the lot but the doors locked. He didn't answer his phone. Had to call the owner in to get us inside. The guy was fast asleep, under his desk. He was gone before you could say hangover."
davisherm
The Eagle
"I was on a new team hired for corporate sales. They trained us as a group. We were given the task of creating a presentation with graphs and charts to show how we presented to a group and given pointers on how to improve. One guy shows up an hour late, waltzes in, and says he’s tired from the drive-in and says he needs a coffee before settling in. We are in suit and tie, and he’s wearing a dress shirt with a huge eagle on the front and jeans."
"He comes back a few minutes later, and when asked to present, he says he didn’t prepare anything, but he’s happy to answer any questions they may have about presentations. We all looked at each other in disbelief. Fired on the spot by the Manager. I heard that they asked him to return his laptop, and he stiffed them for months before they sent a repo man to his door to pick it up."
WildBillyBoy33
Buh-Bye
jumping episode 11 GIFGiphy"A colleague let a middle school kid drive the bus. Buh-bye!"
Useful_Exchange3583
"When I was in middle and high school they hired students with driver's licenses to drive the busses. This was in the 80's."
Calypso_gypsie
My school bus drivers were all nuts.
I always thanked GOD when I got home in one piece.
Different regions around the world are known for specific foods and customs.
In the United States, each state becomes officially and unofficially known for certain things.
Like if you think of Pennsylvania you might think cheesesteaks or the Amish. Nevada might bring thoughts of gambling.
California might evoke beaches or Hollywood. Alaska is known for it's wilderness and fishing industry.
If you say Florida Man you associate batsh*t escapades in the news, transphobia and book bans—we're looking at you, Ron.
Each state has their own flag, motto, bird, flower and in some cases an animal or food.
The Maine Coon cat is the official state cat of Maine.
Bee Felten-Leidel on Unsplash
So what if all the states held a big party and everyone brought what they're known for?
Reddit user Jacob4L posited:
"America is having a house party. What does your state bring and do?"
All Y'all
"North Carolina: We show up as twins, one brings pulled pork with Eastern NC sauce, the other shows up with ribs covered in Western NC sauce. We proceed to get drunk on shine and argue bitterly over which is better."
"Our little brother (South Carolina) shows up with some grilled chicken covered in mustard based sauce, and we forget our argument and gang up on him for being a complete disappointment to the family."
~ notmy2ndacct
"South Carolina brings a Bible and spends the first part of the evening preaching and the last part getting drunk and fighting about BBQ sauce."
~ Tinker107
"Tennessee. We bring whisky, a guitar for a sing-a-long and Dolly Parton."
~ rhapsody98
Giphy"Virginia: Eastern Virginia will bring chips with that white sauce that confuses so many people."
"Central Virginia will bring tons of different craft beers and wine."
"Northern Virginia will bring company-branded fleece vests to hand out as party favors."
"I got no idea what goes on in the western part of the state, to be honest."
~ FalloutRip
"Western Virginia? Moonshine."
~ Capable-Pepper-860
"Georgia brings several party trays of fried chicken and waffles as well as an obscene volume of IPA beers."
"Spends the evening standing around the trucks outside with Alabama, Tennessee, the Carolinas, Florida, and Mississippi talking about mudding, camping, fishing, and hip-hop."
~ DoTheRustle
"Louisiana here. We will bring crawfish, gator bites and beer. It’s the best we can do."
~ Any_Load_7400
"Florida dances on the table, but falls off and puts a hole in the wall."
~ VkingMD
"We bring Florida man, he brings national news coverage."
~ 7ordank
"Alabama?"
"We’ll bring the folding chairs."
~ streety22
"Kentucky—we come in riding a horse. We bring Kentucky fried chicken, good bourbon and tobacco. After the bourbon we drink mint julips."
~ My_Space_page
"West Virginia brings the couch to burn on the porch."
~ MisnthropicPeplPrsn
"West Virginia will definitely bring pepperoni rolls."
~ amyayou
Go West
"We bring cheese dip! It was invented in Little Rock, Arkansas! Then we call the Hogs!"
~ clm1020
"Arkansas. Gon' bring possum stew and cheese dip, then insist on saying grace."
~ flatcurve
"My state has a state meal, so I'm apparently bringing all the things: 'The official state meal of Oklahoma consists of fried okra, cornbread, barbecue pork, squash, biscuits, sausage and gravy, grits, corn, strawberries (state fruit), chicken fried steak, pecan pie, and black-eyed peas'."
~ mcorbett76
"Texas. We'll bring Barbecue Beef Brisket and all the guns & ammo for the shooting events."
~ Exciting_Ad811
"Texas brings steaks and a Bible for everyone. Then proceeds to let your 9 year old play with their gun."
~ Chadwickr
Giphy"Eeeeee! New Mexico shows up late with his homies in a low rider and brings several 30 packs of Bud Light. Then his abuela brings some green chile enchiladas and biscochitos for dessert."
~ VK56xterraguy
"Arizona, We'll bring Sonoran dogs and tequila and turn the thermostat to 110º."
"¡Orale!"
~ GhostofEdgarAllanPoe
"Nevada. Gambling and hookers baby!"
~ raidernation0825
Giphy"Colorado is bringing weed and also bringing the psychedelic mushrooms. We’re pretty much the best party guest anyone could ask for."
~ runthebrews
"Utah brings the Jell-O and turn their nose up to all the sinners."
~ InHouseDriveBy
Pacific Coast Vibes
"Oregon would bring weed, craft beer, and Tillamook cheddar with crackers."
~ honvales1989
"Alaska. We are driving down and I’m gonna beat up Texas (who’s been telling everyone they’re the biggest guy)."
"Also I’m gonna tell everyone I like Hawaii, but Hawaii is gonna say 'I barely know Alaska'."
"Washington is our friend. Washington always lets us come over and hang out."
~ SpiritualCat842
"Washington and Alaska. Both would probably bring salmon, crab and Indigenous dancing."
~ MabezJK
Giphy"California is hosting the party and paying for everything you damn cheapskates."
~ rextremendae2007
"From Hawaii we bring lau lau, Kalua pork, hula and aloha!"
~ No_Communication4252
"Hawaii, can you bring spam masubi too?"
~ coldfry
GiphyHead Back East
"A drunken Montanian riding a horse inside, with a plate of Rocky mountain oysters."
~ 1d0m1n4t3
"Idaho. We're bringing the potato salad, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, potato chips, potato bread, French fries, tater tots, and vodka."
~ teethalarm
Did anyone remember to invite Wyoming?
"South Dakota will just be outside on its Harley drunk, revving the engine trying to impress chicks until 3am keeping the neighbors awake."
~ ILikeTuwtles91
"The Juicy Lucy. 100 years ago Minnesota discovered you can put cheese inside the hamburger and we've been riding that high ever since."
"Please talk to us we're surrounded by corn and Wisconsin."
~ NsaAgent25
"Iowa. A couple of cases of Busch Light, corn and the Pork Producers trailer grill to start grilling chops. We spend the entire night with Minnesota and Wisconsin making fun of Nebraska."
~ baronvonhawkeye
"Nebraska shows up with a massive Snickers Salad in an old, gallon-sized ice cream bucket and a 30-rack of Busch 'Lattes' shouting 'GOOOOOOO BIIIIIIIIIIIG REEEEEDDDDD' in the blind faith that someone, somewhere will respond 'GOBIGRED!!!' And they will. They will."
~ SunNecessary3222
Giphy"North Dakota is bringing lefse, rolled with butter and sugar."
"And you’re all gonna love it!"
~ TalkKatt
"Wisconsin. I show up undetectably drunk. I bring Cannibal Sandwiches which is ostensibly raw ground beef on white buns."
"I'll have a better time talking to your grampa than any of you and I'll sneak out the back door when I'm ready to leave so that I don't hafta say 'bye'."
~ ralph_deadbeet
"Missouri brings toasted ravioli and gooey butter cake, then gets trashed on Boulevard, Logboat, and Schlafly beers, while the under-21s have Fitz's and Vess."
"Also, a fistfight with Kansas breaks out and Branson plays country music."
~ ElectricalSelf72
"Kansas. We bring bread. We stand in the middle of the party but everyone ignores us except to make jokes about The Wizard of Oz. Unless it's March, when suddenly everyone wants to talk sh*t about our basketball teams."
"At some point we'll get in a fight with Missouri, but we will throw down with anyone who attacks Missouri when the inevitable BBQ war starts."
~ Chipothy
GiphyHome of Industry
"Michigan. We bring coney dogs, ginger-ale, and superman ice cream (you're welcome)."
"What do we do? Get drunk, play some Motown, start a fight with Ohio, then get them to join us to help us throw down with California about who had the real music center of America."
"We (us and Ohio) lose, but we spend the rest of the night licking our wounds, commiserating about how much California sucks, and texting Canada trying to coax her to join the party."
~ stillpacing
"Illinois. Probably bring the Malort, Italian beef, deep dish pizza, and hot dogs with mustard, onions, green relish, diced tomatoes, and sport peppers on a sesame seed bun and some celery salt on top."
~ Zeenomorphs
"Indiana brings some big a** tenderloins, plays cornhole the whole time, and takes 90 minutes to say goodbye."
~ jquadman
"Ohio’s party contribution is a mixed bag."
"Everyone is obsessed with the Buckeye candies they brought but are so sick and tired of the bragging about OSU national championships from a long time ago every time they go to grab one."
"There is now a hefty supply of Bloody Marys at this party thanks to Ohio bringing a gigantic shipment of its state beverage tomato juice."
"Fortunately, Ohio has also brought Smuckers jam to go on toast when everyone’s hungover in the morning."
~ acurah56oh
"Pennsylvania is the second person to arrive, just behind Delaware. It’s a good thing that PA arrives early, because PA brings the best food items—Turkey Hill Ice Cream, Utz Potato Chips, Hershey’s Chocolate, and Wooder Ice."
"Despite smelling slightly like cow manure, PA is generally liked by the rest of the party attendees, but when the conversation shifts to football, PA suddenly wants to fight everyone else at the party."
~ PantherGk7
"Pennsylvania and Ohio will also bring the Amish—who will build us a shelter for if it rains."
~ Mechanical_IT
GiphyMid-Atlantic In the House
"With an armful of Half Smokes and DCBrau, Washington DC tries to explain to the bouncer that he is not exactly a state but he belongs at the party."
"The bouncer begrudgingly let’s him in after examining his DC drivers license for a full minute and conferring with the other bouncers."
"Once inside he bops his head lightly to the music and tries really hard to restrain himself from asking everyone 'So what do you do?'.”
~ MadGeographer
"Maryland is bringing steamed crabs. But we’re late because we drive 20 miles under the speed limit."
~ veryrealzack
"Delaware: that awkward guy that just shows up first and most people don’t know who he is. But hey we brought drinks for everyone and we won’t tax them."
~ DaddyDankSack
"New Jersey. The best Italian food in the Western Hemisphere. Maybe an old mobster for protection if you know a guy who knows a guy."
~ Redditor
"New York brings pizza and won't shut up about how it is better than everyone else's food and they just HAVE to try it. He also interrupts people and claims he is better than everyone."
"Massachusetts, New Jersey, and the South hate him but California doesn't mind hanging out with him for a little bit."
~ ElectricalSelf72
GiphyNew England
"Vermont, We bring maple syrup, b*tch and moan about all of the out-of-staters that we’re driving to said party, craft beer, and weed."
~ ianwrecked802
"Connecticut brings lobster rolls and weird craft beer and cries because New York and Massachusetts ignore it. Then it goes off and drinks with Rhode Island and is okay."
~ neverquite_free
"Connecticut with airpods in, quietly sitting in between Massachusetts and New York on the couch while they scream at each other about the Red Sox and Yankees."
~ bobby_j_canada
"The great state of Rhode Island brings a crock of seafood chowda and complains about how far we had to drive to get to the party."
~ Sociosmith
"Massachusetts are bringing alcohol, chowder, lobster rolls, and some fluffernutters for those who’s drunk food is sugary. Dunkin’ donuts, munchkins and coffee of course."
"We will also bring our sports superiority complex and argue with everyone about it so everyone will learn why Maine calls us Massholes."
~ Aminilaina
"New Hampshire. We’ll bring lots of liquor from the state-run tax-free liquor stores, and we will spend the party chanting 'Live free or die!' And probably arguing with Massachusetts."
~ ProsciuttoPizza
"Maine rides in on a wicked huge moose with a Dunkin' regular spiked with Allen's Coffee Brandy in one hand and a Tim Horton's double-double in the other. We bring red hot dogs, whoopie pies, Moxie, Humpty Dumpty all-dressed chips and our buddy New Brunswick, Canada so we don't have to talk to New Hampshire."
"We tell the flatlanders wanting lobster we don’t give that away for free—it’s wicked expensive for a reason."
"We'll throw a wicked beat down on Massachusetts after they say for the hundredth time we used to be part of their state and they used 'wicked' to describe everything before we did."
"When it gets wicked dark, Stephen King and Joe Hill show up to scare the crap out of everyone with stories around the bonfire."
~ Redditor
GiphyParty Crashers
"New Brunswick, Canada, Maine's next door neighbour, arrives with enough poutine to feed the multitudes."
~ ClerkTypist
"Quebec, Canada files a noise complaint against their loud neighbour. Ultimately, it's ignored."
~ Underhill
"British Columbia, Canada is the neighbour next door slightly jealous for not getting the invite but also a bit scared to visit because those neighbours can be a bit crazy. California, Washington, Alaska and Oregon finally convince them to come."
~ Jewsd
"Ontario, Canada brings an LCBO 8pk of 8 different craft beers you’ve never heard of, and immediately starts trying to convince New York that Daylight Savings Time is garbage, and bitching about Quebec."
"Alberta, Canada brings steaks, while Saskatchewan, Canada brings home made bread. Both of them spend most of the night hanging out with Texas and start sh*t talking Ontario."
"Manitoba, Canada brings mosquitoes."
"The other Canadian Maritime Provinces—Labrador, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island—show up piss drunk and have a loud and obnoxious conversation amongst themselves, excluding New Brunswick who's too chummy with Maine and Newfoundland just because they're Newfies.
"Newfoundland, Canada brings a cod fish and rum, and insists that everyone present kiss the fish and take a shot."
"Quebec, Canada finally decides to come bringing ridiculously strong beer. Complains about Ontario to anyone who will listen. They try to flirt with Louisiana en Français, but they get weirded out when they realize they’re cousins. Ends up going home with Ontario at the end of the night."
~ Angryhippo2910
"Yukon, Northwest Territories and Nunavut tell the First Nations the colonizers are all gone and they shut down the border before they can come back."
"Then Kaná:ta has a BIG party."
~ LakotaGrl
Giphy"Scotland and Ireland would be taken into the fold with the moonshine and hard liquor group. Everyone would just be sitting around a bonfire passing around sips of the tasty stuff. Each country/province/state has to bring their best storyteller to this fire."
"Don't worry, all of our accents are basically the same when we are drunk. The slang is where things get dicey, but if the storyteller is worth their weight in salt, it's going to be fine."
~ Dr_mombie
"Minnesota will sneak in Norway and Sweden as Cousin Olaf and Cousin Sven. Oof, da!"
~ hablomuchoingles
"Australia shows up already drunk and proceeds to drink all the beer and complain that it's weak as piss. But we did bring party pies and sausage rolls."
~ BonezOz
"The UK is imposing upon the party unannounced. England is intoxicated and attempting to dominate blasé Scotland; Scotland has copious amounts of whiskey to appease America’s indignation at the UK’s indiscretion."
"Wales has rarebits and hovers disconcerted behind Scotland. Northern Ireland brings Irish whiskey and a Bible and strides over to the Bible Belt states for a bit of religious contention."
"England makes everyone cups of tea at 2 hour intervals."
~ VelvetDreamers
"Mexico shows up at around 2AM, seven deep, and with a worm as a mascot."
"Texas immediately picks a fight with them and at the same time tries to get them to share their food."
~ CountMcBurney
Maarten van den Heuvel on Unsplash
It certainly sounds like a wild time.
Do you think your fellow citizens nailed your state?
What would you add?