Stupid rules are the bane of almost every employees existence. We've pretty much all been there and just tried to keep our faces from being too loud about what we were really thinking about the new policy. Take heart, people. We're about to share"Well, that backfired" workplace policies.
One Reddit user asked:
The answers had us cracking up and swelling with pride (shout-out to the lady who wore a tutu to work) at just how brilliantly sarcastic employees can be when faced with dumb bureaucracy. Truly, nothing has filled us with more hope for our future than these majestic policy failures and how many of these failures were the direct result of pure unfiltered smartassery.
We applaud you all.
Coordinated Lunch EffortGiphy
We got a new manager for our office - she was an outside hire and was trying to prove herself quickly, and she was obsessed with efficiency.
So, her first week here she sent out this very rudely worded email about employees eating at our desks (we have a very small break area - 4 tables and we have about 300 employees here) and that we all had to stop eating at our desks, because "it was not efficient to eat and try to work at the same time".
Through a coordinated effort by some of the more sassy people at the office they all had their lunches at the same time and filled the break room with about 90 people. Elbow to elbow and they all ate standing up.
Literally, the next day after that happened, she sent out a follow-up email saying that we could eat at our desks but she advised us to take a break from our work from time to time.
It was pretty funny.
I'm a programmer. On a previous job, we were measured by the number of tasks completed. Not how hard they were, or how well they were completed. Just how many. Management ignored our protests and attempts to explain how inaccurate that was.
We figured out to subdivide everything to blow it up into the maximum number of listed tasks possible. A manager might request a new report, so instead of just having "create report" be a task, we'd set up separate tickets for "create button", "make button blue", "make button respond when clicked", "implement business logic", "display results in grid", "allow sorting of grid", and so on. We'd subdivide a 1-day task into 20 one-hour tasks.
Management loved it! Our team "looked" twenty times as productive, despite the fact that we were deliberately slowing ourselves down with red tape.
Increased Foosball ProductivityGiphy
We had a foosball table at a former job. People would play reasonably often, but just 1 game to take a break. One day, management came down to the software engineering floor and saw people playing foosball in the middle of the afternoon. They declared "no foosball until 4:30 PM"
That ended up making it so that everybody knew when there would be other people wanting to play foosball, so it was much easier to find somebody willing to play and significantly increased the amount of foosball played at work.
My Dad was a corpsman with the Marines doing high desert training in the Mojave. They had a big problem with people getting bit but not being able to identify the snake, so it was hard to find the right antidote. My dad got all the Marines in a room and said:
_"If you get bit by a snake, bring it back here so we can identify it." _
Not even a full week later they had to alter the wording because a marine was bit by a rattlesnake and decided to bring it back-without killing it.
This man had carried this snake all the way back to base ALIVE, and the snake decided to let him know exactly how he felt about that by repeatedly biting his arm the entire time.
Needless to say, that marine went home, and they made sure to hold another meeting where they told everyone to KILL the snake, then bring it back.
"Just Had A Beer"
My company, as part of its alcohol policy, said you should not drink for at least four hours before coming to work. When engineers got called about production problems over the weekend, they all "just had a beer" but could be there in about four or five hours once that time limit expired.
Dress Code Policy For OneGiphy
An insane amount of time and hand wringing went into my office's dress code policy. Nobody wanted one except for one person - and they demanded it. When the final draft was ultimately released, every department head had a valid reason why their staff should be exempted.
So the policy wound up only affecting myself and the guy that insisted on making the policy.
I violate this policy on a daily basis.
No Overtime Pay
Overtime is paid in free time instead of money. Three people quit so far, more people planning to. No new hires to be found. It's probably just a matter of time before this shop closes down.
Sexist Dresscode Meets Its Match
I worked for this consulting company once that out of the blue issued a new dress code requiring women to wear skirts to work.
At the time, most of the women employees were front office, so I'm guessing they just forgot about the handful of us working in development, where we rarely saw our clients directly, and would often end up doing things like crawling around on the floor moving cables around and things (we did a lot of turnkey systems).
It wasn't just the developers, either. A lot of the front office women weren't happy about the prospect of having to buy all new work clothes, and there are plenty of women who never wear skirts and didn't want to start.
We brought it up with HR, but they blew us off, so we got together and agreed on a hostile compliance approach, where we'd wear the most inappropriate skirts we could find.
There was patchwork! Big ugly wife style skirts! Some frilly thing that almost looked like a tutu! At least one woman put a skirt on over her pants. And little did they know, I had a small collection of vintage 1960s leather miniskirts!
I was almost disappointed when they buckled and changed the dress code back because that was kind of fun.
I worked for a place that did PC repairs. During my orientation the guy taking me around took me to the QA department. Once all builds or repairs are made they're sent to the QA department for a final inspection before going out to the customer.
The guy jokingly said:
**"We used to pay the QA guys bonuses for every mistake they found on a build." **
I started laughing. The only problem was it wasn't a joke. They actually paid bonuses to the QA people who found mistakes on builds.
For anyone not familiar with the internal workings of a PC, it could take less than 3 seconds to completely render a computer inoperable. Hell, you could loosen a connection just by inspecting it. Luckily that policy ended before I was hired.
I mean can you imagine giving someone a bonus for finding screw ups when it would take almost no effort to make a screw up and then claim they found it?
No Bathroom? No Students.
I worked at a large high school of about 3000 students. As a teacher, you realize fights happen. We all know they do and best thing to do is make sure those involved are punished and leave it at that
This was our principals first year in the building. She wasn't a new principal as in brand new, but she was new to our school. Our school wasn't horrible but it was declining.
A fight happens first period on the basement floor. Security is called, those involved are sent to the deans. Whatever it happens no big deal right?
Principal comes on announcements 2nd period. First she acknowledges there was a fight, which most already knew about. It's a high school after all.
Then she says:
"No student will be allowed to leave to use the bathroom the rest of the day! Teachers do not allow students to leave to use the bathroom!"
Well, this wasn't received well. Students decide to flood the halls, yelling and shouting. This happens on all floors (six total).
Students refusing to go to class and just shouting, yelling, running in the halls. I opened my class for the good kids and got in as many as I could.
Security couldn't do anything. This went on for 2-3 periods, most of these kids said f*ck it and just left.
Around 6th period an assembly was held. Those students who remained were put in the auditorium where they were lectured by administration. These were the "good" kids who stayed and did nothing wrong, mind you!
Eventually word gets out to the NY Post that there was a "riot."
She turned out to be an awful principal and after more incidents and bad press we ran her out within a span of 2 years.
We created this thing called the "safety bonus." It was one of four possible bonuses people could get. The original version of it said that anyone that was accident-free would get a bonus.
So people stopped reporting their accidents.
We had to set up another Safety Award for those who filed their safety reports in a timely manner with clear print and full details.
Out In A StormGiphy
**"You're not allowed to stay in the building during breaks" **
That meant the employees had to be outside during a storm. The next week most of the people were sick at home.
15 Minute Time Sheets
IT department changed how work is given out and time is accounted for:
We now had to fill out daily time sheets that accounted for every 15 min section of time with a summary of what you've worked on. The time sheets were a waste, we had to stop work and report what we were working on.
Classic micro management, within months the entire IT staff left except 1 guy.
Don't micro manage when the job market is full of other jobs that will just let people actually work.
Change Of Plans
At my previous job, you could schedule vacation and give it back if your plans changed. One guy would schedule 2 weeks off, wait until the schedule was made for that month, then give it back.
Since the schedule assumed he wasn't going to be there, he would make up his own shifts, since he was "extra."
This would lead to him "working 11-7" (showing up at 2, taking lunch, working from 4-6 and leaving early). He would do this 3-4 times per year.
"Don't do anything unless directed by your Boss, any deviation from this will result in write-up/termination."
This was a very literal directive from upper management that took place after an office incident. Our work is very fluid, and our team alone contained 20 people. Needless to say productivity hit unfounded lows.
Work wanted everyone to come in even when sick so the boss can inspect us to determine if we can work or not. Doctors notes were not accepted "since they can be fake."
I complied. Ended up vomiting on his desk over important papers.
My work just recently tried to implement a new attendance policy that didn't last 24hrs. They changed it so that after two "unexcused" absences in a year you were automatically fired.
An "unexcused" absence is any absence or tardiness when you didn't give your boss more than 24hrs notice. So nobody could get sick or have an emergency? Waking up puking is an unexcused absence?
My old job had a Draconian attendance policy in which if you were at a second late, you got a 1/2 point demerit. If you were an hour late, you got that same 1/2 point demerit.
5 or 6 was termination
In addition to making for some anxiety-filled employees feel forced to make dumb decisions like speed through snow storms, it also meant if you got stuck in a traffic jam, you might as well just take your time, stop for gas, get breakfast, etc.
Same place also had a similar policy that assured the plague spread through the whole place. Say you came to work at 7. By 9 am you've got a fever and full-blown flu symptoms.
If you clock out then, you get a whole-point demerit. But if you sit there coughing and shivering and infecting your coworkers for another 2 hours (til your shift was half over), you only got a half-point demerit.
I used to work for a production company that employed a lot of really skilled, award winning editors. There were producers and executives and directors but the real money makers, the people who really made the company were the editors, so the company was basically centered around them.
The executives would always order in food for the editors, and the editors would usually eat in their offices while doing their thing.
One day the executives decided to cut paid lunches to save money. The editors all thought this was a dick move, so they'd go out for lunch and sometimes stay out for like 3 hours.
There was nothing the company could do, really, because these editors were top of their game and if Warner Bros. heard that the editor they always used had left, they might leave, too.
So the company couldn't do anything. They saved maybe $15 dollars per person per day, but lost like 4 hours per person per day.
No Sofa? Longer Naps
New manager got rid of the sofa in the break room so that people couldn't nap on their hour long lunch break. It ended up making one person sleep even more.
No one ever overslept or abused the privilege, but it was good to have the option on a tough day. Once the sofa was gone, our stoner guy started sleeping in other places.
The layout was terrible, so there were half walls and all kinds of nooks and crannies to hide in; including in-between walls and in the warehouse.
That's when we started losing him. We couldn't find him to wake him up, and he would oversleep. The couch in the break room was a common area with people moving about, and he could only catnap there.
Since he was finding little hiding spots he would go into a deeper sleep and was less likely to be disturbed by our calls for him.
He didn't lose his job somehow, that place had a hard time hiring.
People Break Down The Exact Moment They Realized They Were Being Manipulated By Someone They Trusted
Manipulation is designed to be stealthy. We hardly recognize it when it's happening to us because our abuser has forced it to appear under wraps.
But when we recognize it for what it really is, we really feel like we've been smacked across the face. There is no other descriptor for it. Usually we've trusted and loved those that manipulated us.
A Platitude Of Pleasing<p>You never know where the next blowout is coming from. Any time something needs to be addressed, you might try to bring it up once, gently, if you're feeling brave. If you meet the slightest bit of resistance, or you don't feel like that fight in the first place, you just go "okay dear" instead. You find that you'll put the argument off until next time, and hope that whatever you thought to bring up won't have any consequences, because you'll be hearing about those, too. It sucks, and I'm glad you can speak about it in the past tense.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TheGreatestAuk/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheGreatestAuk</a></p>
Wrong Or Right Or Just Not Agreeing?<p>When I started realizing that I was feeling like I was constantly walking on eggshells. I never knew which version of my friend I'd get when we saw each other, or when we hung out. I also just completely stopped disagreeing with them because I didn't want to hear them tell me how wrong I was if we didn't share the same viewpoint.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/WhatArcherWhat/" target="_blank">WhatArcherWhat</a></p>
Being Used<p>My best friend suddenly distanced herself from me. But every now and then she'd call and ask if I wanted to do something, and I was encouraged because I thought it meant that things were still good between us. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that she only called when she wanted to do something that required a ride, since she didn't have a car. The only thing I can say in my defense is that I don't use people that way so I didn't recognize user behavior. You can bet I do now.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Goldeverywhere/" target="_blank">Goldeverywhere</a></p>
Hiding The Receipts<p>I was living with my former best friend and his gf at the time. When I asked for grocery receipts (I trusted him & his ex to buy groceries bc I didn't have a car at the time + our work schedules were different so I couldn't go with them) and they wouldn't provide any. The only reason I became suspicious was bc they started asking for a ridiculous amount of money for my half and the actual amount of food wasn't adding up. Up until that point they never asked for a crazy amount and I was content with our groceries, but I noticed they became extremely greedy. When I then asked to see a banking statement, they wouldn't even provide me with that either.</p><p>At that point I just realized they were finessing me out of extra money and I started buying my own food. I just bit my tongue bc we only had like 2 months left on the lease. They tried to gaslight me and make me seem like the bad guy any chance they had (almost the entire time I lived with them actually). Eventually, I grew apart from him once I moved away and the only reason he hit me back up was bc she cheated on him so he probably didn't have anyone else to turn to (go figure). We don't talk anymore.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/0MG1MW3T/" target="_blank">0MG1MW3T</a></p>
Ah Yes, Good Old DARVO<p>My mother and I have always had a rocky relationship. She's always encouraged me to tell her what's wrong, however, any time I would she'd immediately go "sorry I'm such a terrible mother, I give you everything you want and it's still not good enough! Why don't you just go live with someone you don't hate?" Keep in mind this happens over small things such as "mom, I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before coming into my room. You know how easily I startle and you barging into my room really upsets me"</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/paytonc0510/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">paytonc0510</a></p>
How Do You Do This To Someone<p>8 years into the relationship. As we're sitting down he explains to me that the "first couple years" we were together he only saw me as a place to crash and free rides, but he loved me NOW, and even though I accomplished all the goals HE set for ME so we could get married he said "I never really thought you could do it". Oh and also you got fat, but don't worry we can fix it! It was like a magic veil lifted and I finally saw who he really was. F**k you James.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/DoNotUseOnHumans/" target="_blank">DoNotUseOnHumans</a></p>
Be My Friend And Not Theirs<p>She always managed to make me do things I didn't really want to do but the last straw was when she decided I had to stop being friends with two mates of mine over something stupid that offended her. </p><p>Cut her off over that and she then proceeded to act derisively ("you'll come back"), then badmouthed me and then begged me to take her back. Ten years later I am still friends with those two guys and she's still out of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/FatherTedHackett/" target="_blank">FatherTedHackett</a></p>
Victim Time<p>When literally every time me and my mom talked she played the victim.</p><p>I was trying to help her raise me, ask me about my grades and stuff. For her I just existed, she wasn't responsible at all.</p><p>I grew up watching her play the victim to others, and I was always on her side, cuz she's my mom you know. Also I never really understood what was going on.</p><p>I started getting older and older, and seeing sh*t after sh*t she did. I understood what she did to my father, to my step-dad, to my sister, to her friends.</p><p>Probably I'd be the next one who she would use and throw away.</p><p>I talked to her... and you know the result. The victim. Nothing it's her fault.</p><p>The last time we talked, I was expecting the victim card. When she started speaking, I already knew what was going to happen. I didn't even said a word, I just agreed with her, and the next day I moved out. I'm not wasting my time.</p><p>It was the last day before quarantine, I remember it as if it was yesterday. Friday night: saturday morning I was packing my stuff.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/NotFromHeel/" target="_blank">NotFromHeel</a></p>
Sixteen Years Of Made Up Lies<p>After 16 years of marriage I realized my now ex was manipulating me. I would work and take care of the house and if I asked him to do something like get a job or clean up he would stage a mental breakdown and make me feel bad for asking him for help. </p><p>He would play up a horrible childhood or PTSD from the military to make me feel like I need to take care of him. Then would play on his computer all day and smoke while I worked. </p><p>Found out that a lot of his horrible childhood stories were made up and that he never made it through basic training in the military. I am happily with someone now but still catch myself cringing when he does things like cook or clean thinking that he is going to yell at me for being lazy. Meanwhile he loves me and is just doing things to take care of me. I'm working on deprogramming myself.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/HolyCelestialCow/" target="_blank">HolyCelestialCow</a></p>
Sometimes It's The Mother-In-Law<p>Took me until after the engagement to realize that my cheating ex fiancee was trying to browbeat me into submission.</p><p>Anywho, I quickly recognized emotional blackmail and manipulation from my MIL after getting married to a different girl years later due to that experience. I called her out on it.</p><p>She... Doesn't like that. But since my wife and sister-in-law and brother-in-law also recognize it they've got my back.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/engineertr1gg/" target="_blank">engineertr1gg</a></p>
Just as new mothers encounter the sudden, influential developments of powerful hormone changes, protective instincts, and milk production, so new fathers undergo some key changes of their own.
Their socks become exclusively white, climbing higher up the calf than ever before. All their shorts sprout cargo pockets and clunky belt loop cell phone holders. They start to really lean in to their old records.
Regional Laws<p>"Dad, driving past a cemetery: Did you know anyone living in a 3 mile radius of a cemetery isn't allowed to be buried there?"</p><p>"Me: No, I had no idea. How come?"</p><p>"Dad: Yeah, you're not allowed to bury the living"</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1d2k?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TinyLuckDragon</a></p>
For the Face Plant Image<p>"Why do Scuba Divers fall backwards off a boat?"</p><p>"Because if they fell frontwards they'd still be on the boat" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjv4mt?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">hatsnatcher23</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Just told this one to my bf and he still has his face in his hands" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjka0w7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">sxeoompaloompa</a></p>
A Mammal of Few Words<p>"What did the father buffalo say when his child left for school?"</p><p>"Bison" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp257?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">TatooineLight</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"LOL" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjp9p0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">BennuH</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Told this to my brother, he laughed his a** off." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4cvq?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Type10Civilization</a></p>
Baggage<p>"When I do home improvements I always use my step ladder"</p><p>"I never knew my real ladder" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjlkab?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DavosLostFingers</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Whoever took the ladder, please return it or further steps will be taken." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjm2htz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WaldhornNate</a></p>
Woah Woah Woah, We're in Public<p>"Me: I'm not very hungry, I just want something easy"</p><p>"Server: maybe the chicken strips for $6"</p><p>"Me: maybe it does, but that doesn't help my hunger" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjuq78?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">mcnoobs_</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My husband was facepalming for solid 8 minutes after I read that joke to him." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjnee7m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Madanax</a></p>
Not Wrong<p>"Two dudes were on a boat with a few cigarettes, but they didn't have anything to light them, so they threw one of the cigarettes out of the boat, and the boat became a cigarette lighter." </p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjjkeoz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">OrangeMirrorJuice</a></p>
Watch the News Before Saying This One<p>"Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?"</p><p>"It's okay, they eventually woke up."</p><p>"I cringe every time." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk0ej7?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">unicorndreamz94</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"My 10 year old tried this one a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, I had just read news about a missing local girl. 'So I answered that yes I heard about the missing girl' Scared the sh** out of my 10 year old" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjo3ssv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aubear11885</a></p>
Got a Million of Em<p>"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh."</p><p>"I'm sorry but I'm about to say something tasteless. Water."</p><p>"I got fired from my job at the calendar factory. I took a day off."</p><p>"Unfortunately though, I can't really tell these jokes since I'm not a dad. I'm a faux pa."</p><p> -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk9igl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">WholeGrainMustard</a></p>
G-Pa With the Physics Humor<p>"Why does the movie "speed" have no director?"</p><p>"If it had direction, it'd be called velocity!"</p><p>"-my grandpa, earlier today" -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk4wdo?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ConceptUpset4681</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"That's better than a regular dad joke. It's a grand dad joke." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkuc30?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">VaultBoy9</a></p>
A Surprising Amount of Elevator Humor<p>"I have a joke about elevators."</p><p>"It works on so many levels......." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjk1lrv?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">M0ntgomatron</a></p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"Did you hear about the corruption at the elevator company?"</p><p style="margin-left: 20px;">"It went all the way to the top." -- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/kyz64a/whats_the_best_dad_joke_you_know/gjkyjrp?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">RandomName222222222</a></p>
Cleaning up is hard enough when it's just clearing a month of dust bunnies. Can you imagine cleaning the debris left by murder, suicide and violence? I have a really great friend who used to do crime scene clean-up for a living. The pay is incredible; it starts at $55 an hour. But there is a much higher cost in mental well being. Death affects you in ways you don't always feel immediately. My friend has stories of nightmares, depression and pain after leaving scenes of horror. Why make all that money just to spend it on therapy? It takes a certain type of person.
***TRIGGER WARNING. CONTENTS ARE SENSITIVE ***Redditor u/MemegodDave wanted to hear from the people who have the stomach to come in after crime and tragedy
to try to bring back some form of normalcy to the location by asking... People who make their living out of cleaning murder scenes, accidents and the like, what is the worst thing you have experienced in your career?
Wrapped Up<p>Dad had to saran wrap a guy's intestines back into his body once.</p><p>Dude had surgery and pushed too hard on the toilet. Dude was fine, according to Dad, just holding himself together on the toilet while a group of firefighters tried to figure out why the hell they were sent instead of paramedics.</p><p><em>Update</em> When he pushed too hard he opened a scar on his torso/ab area and it all fell out onto his lap. Should have mentioned this when I wrote the post. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko9lq0?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">noblemile</a><span></span></p>
Flesh<p>One that stuck with me was a suicide in a bathtub, we couldn't drain the tub, so had to use a coagulant then scoop up the bloody mess into biohazard bags. Same for the toilet. Another was a suicide by gun in a basement full of boxes which was a nightmare to clean as even the smallest bit of flesh had to be found and cleaned up. The smell of the smallest piece of flesh meant the job wasn't done until it was found. </p>
Walk Away<p>Medic here, first responder to a motorcycle collision. Guy who crashed was a friend. He'd been torn in half and almost decapitated.</p><p>Had to walk away from the scene and let my driver and another crew handle it. Think about it daily. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gko4y58?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Sabre-23</a><span></span></p>
All over the House<p>I posted this on another thread so just copy and pasted it but this was one that I had to do</p><p>Clean up after a murder. It was a rehab house for ex cons, 4 bedroom house with communal bathroom and kitchen. Sunday morning and guy A is in his room listening to music pretty loud, guy B is in the kitchen cooking his breakfast, B knocks on A's door and tells him to turn it down, there's a small argument and B returns to his breakfast and A turns his music up. So B grabs the biggest knife in the kitchen, kicks in A's door and stabs him through his left shoulder, entering by his collar bone. </p>
"ride-alongs"<p>Not a cleaner, but my brother's best friend is a police officer and I heard all about this horrible experience:</p><p>My brother's friend took him on "ride-alongs," all the time. One day, they were responding to a welfare check. This guy's neighbor saw his apartment door cracked open for several days and called the police. They went to check it out and found a college student (18-19) who had shot himself. </p>
Melt Away<p>When I was a bartender, a couple of clients told me the worst part about the job is cleaning melted bodies.</p><p>I don't know the science behind that, but from what I understand is if a body stays for a while in a certain condition of temperature and humidity, it melts. And those guys have to remove that person's remains in buckets. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknsqfm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kaynny</a><span></span></p>
Audrey<p>I had a great uncle who helped clean up the bodies left behind by hurricane Audrey in 1957 and he said that the smell persisted in his nose for weeks after. It got so bad that he went to the doctor to see if they could do anything and they clipped all of his nose hairs and the smell went away. It was explained to him that the smell had soaked into the hair but I don't claim to know the validity of that statement.</p>
Hazard<p>One of my first jobs after moving I did this, and the job that had me walking wasn't even a scene as described. We did all types of hazmat cleans and the worst was actually a couple went on vacation and came back to backed up sceptic. Think about 1 ft thick hard dried out crusty sceptic waste spread throughout the entire 1st floor of a house. Not going further into detail here. Was nasty.</p><p>Septic, not sceptic. On break and mobile, so yeah... </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknvzn8?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Kamenovski</a><span></span></p>
After the Crash...<p>Working for a tow truck driver that get the calls after crashes. The worst one for me was a family of 6 coming back with over 10 pizzas for a baseball team. It was a head on with a tractor trailer (18 wheeler). The ambulance took the bodies away of course, everyone died but one little guy. There was so much blood and vomit, diapers, toy dolls covered in blood, the pizza was everywhere inside of the car like 2" thick on everything and all over the road. </p>
Fresh Meat<p>Friend of mine does this.</p><p>His worst was an elderly woman who died in a bath. Skin falls off like long cooked meat. So he just saw piles of skin/flesh</p><p>God just writing this makes me gag. </p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/l48wk3/people_who_make_their_living_out_of_cleaning/gknwqwu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">PlagueDoc22</a><span></span></p>
We all know the telltale signs that something is making us uncomfortable. Suddenly, we begin shaking, either in our hands or knees or toes. Then, usually, sweat starts pouring out of every part of our body, making it look like we just ran through a rainstorm underneath a waterfall. Finally, we lose our regular speech functions. Everything goes out of sync and our words don't match up to what's in our minds.
What's interesting is that what usually brings about these fits of uncomfortableness differs from person to person, as evidenced by the stories below.