Women Share Their Absolute Best Replies To Unsolicited D*ck Pics
Yana Polyakova/Unsplash

There's not a woman I know between the ages of 17 and 70 who has access to technology and never gotten an unsolicited d*ck pic.

Note, I specified unsolicited.

This article will not be about consensual d*ck pics. We love and encourage whatever y'all are doing with consent.


Reddit user idkmanfckdis asked:

"What is the best reply a woman can give to a d*ck pic?"

Now, in *my* world, the best possible thing that can happen is for someone to become a character in the ongoing story that is my life.

That's how my long-time readers have gotten to know characters like "Mariachi Neighbor" and "Patty Poopy Pockets." It's how you'll all get to know the now-infamous "Wet D*ck Pic Guy" and hear about how I responded.

But not yet. First, we're going to talk about the way Reddit responds.

The Leader Board

doctor conan obrien GIF by Team Coco Giphy

"Send him back a d*ck pic."

- Magnon

"But much larger."

- lionsmakemecry

" 'I'm sorry but you are not the current winner. Here is the current leader. I wish I could tell you it was close but..it wasn't.' "

- No_Manufacturer5641

"The current 'wiener'?"

- CartoonistExisting30

A Referral

Giphy

"Screenshot, circle a random spot, send it back. 'Omg what is that??? Are you ok? You should go to a doctor.' "

- Insanus_Umbra

"Better yet, don’t send the picture with a circle. Leave them guessing which part you’re talking about."

- D_r_D_a_p_p_e_r

"Oooh or send it back to him with a text also saying something like 'Eww look what he sent me. Why does it look like that?'"

"Then apologize and say that was meant for your group chat."

- g_lay

Zoom

" 'Sorry my phone doesn't zoom in that far.' "

- Keeyn1

" *emotional damage* "

- Somebody-or-somethin

"Such brutality."

- EastClintwood89

HELP

mtv help GIF Giphy

" 'This is an automated message generated by the Instagram team. Your image has been found to be a violation of 42 U.S.C. § 1283 (2020).' "

" 'An image you sent has been scanned by our Al Bot and was flagged as an unsolicited picture. Your account is scheduled to be reported to the police.' "

" 'Our bot is currently in BETA testing; sometimes it makes mistakes. If you believe this message was in error, reply "HELP" Otherwise, you will be contacted by your local authorities within 24hrs.' "

- OkDraw8445

"And once he replies HELP, delete your message and take a screenshot of him sending a photo of his d*ck and saying 'HELP.' "

- petrogradsky

Slice Of Life

"Hotdog slicer or banana slicer."

- silentspeck

"Cigar cutter also a good one."

- andariel_axe

"I have been using this one for years. It usually works quite well."

- kalmatar

"I’m a fan of this one. They never respond afterwards, go figure."

- aabrithrilar

Surrealist

cactus brad GIF by NASCAR on NBC Giphy

"Send them back a completely random picture. The more unrelated the better."

"He sends you a d*ck pic. You send him a picture of a potted cactus."

"But you don't add any other text. None. And you don't answer further."

"He will drive himself crazy wondering how what does that cactus mean. How is it related to his d*ck pic? Is it a threat? Is it an invite? Is it a meme that he hasn't learned yet? WHAT IS IT?!?"

"So, your best bet is to go surreal."

- inksmudgedhands

"When the going gets weird, the surreal start painting their giraffes."

- Gerbs79

Animal Kingdom

"One day I looked up the weirdest d*ck in nature. It's is the echidna penis which has 4 heads."

"Since then, I have it in my phone for whenever I or a friend gets a d*ck pic we didn't ask for."

- SecretCalligrapher67

"How about a hyena's pseudopenis, which the FEMALE possesses? And she has to give birth through it!"

- notthesedays

Enjoy The Silence

Phoebe Waller-Bridge Ok GIF by Saturday Night Live Giphy

"None."

"Men who send those are getting off on any response given. They want female attention and indignity. Don’t give it to them."

- feidle

"If I received an unsolicited picture like that it would be an instant block."

"You’re right. They’re just trying to get a rise out of girls and unfortunately they get that rise way too often. Both genders are fools."

- WhatJewLookinAt

"Even worse, I remember reading once an ask Reddit thread where they asked why guys send d*ck pics. Some of the top answers were 'I have a humiliation fetish and get off on women insulting me.' "

"So basically a majority of the top answers here would be exactly what those guys want."

- crimsonblade55

Dance Break!

"Link them to this video."

"It's essentially a Despacito parody, but telling people why you shouldn't send pictures of your genitalia."

- EccentricHorse11

Okay, my turn now.

A few years back, when I was actively dating, I had a Tinder profile. One of the images on that Tinder was of me with two of my then-bandmates. It was THAT picture, an image where I am fully clothed in a recording studio with two other people, that snagged me "Wet D*ck Pic Guy."

He swiped, I swiped. He was someone I had seen at shows a few times. I knew his name. He knew mine. He was good friends with a lot of my bandmates and friends connected to them.

Cool!

In fact, his opening message to me was to point out that we had a bunch of close mutual friends and remark how strange it was that we didn't know each other better.

I agreed, and made some comment about how his band and mine had even done shows together but he and I, as individuals, had never really talked.

So far, so good. And then it wasn't.


His next message was an Imgur link. I knew better, because I've been a citizen of internet for my whole life, but sometimes you just can't help but to click, ya know?

Curiosity killed the coochie.

I don't know what I was expecting; but I promise it was not the weirdly-wet (like slimey? the pic definitely gave "macaroni noises" vibe) and glistening, awkwardly half-hunched over, f*ckery that I got.

Why was it wet? You're very obviously on dry-land in the picture.

Why wouldn't you clean your room if it's gonna be in the background?

This was on Imgur and had been for quite some time. So do you just keep an album of d*ck pics to send to people who don't ask?

WHY. WAS. IT. WET ?!

I had tons of questions, but we all know asking them would have gotten us nowhere. Instead, I sent him back a "p*ssy pic" - an image of a cat snarling as it swats a mouse's corpse through the air.

And then I mentioned it to a friend.

Apparently yes, he was sending that same weird pic to a lot of women. And a lot of those women were friends, or friends of friends. Friends talk. Friends share screen shots.

"Wet d*ck pic guy" did not get anywhere with that pic except talked about in a LOT of group chats, rehearsal rooms, and back stage areas.

He also earned himself a new nickname and reputation that made things a lot, erm, *harder* for him in the music and dating scene.

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