BEFORE WE EVEN START, BE WARNED THIS ARTICLE WILL GET VERY NSFW SO MAYBE DON'T READ IT AT YOUR DESK, BRENDA. ALSO KEEP IT AWAY FROM YOUR KIDS.
To put things politely, the male of the species is typically thought of as pretty oblivious to the courting attempts of the female. By "the male of the species", we of course, mean the human male.
To put it more casually, men have pretty much zero freaking clue when women are flirting with them. They just don't. Sometimes we have literally no idea how human haven't fizzled out as a species.
One Reddit user asked "Ladies, what is the most obvious hint you've dropped that went unnoticed by a guy? "
The answers ... well, they're truly dazzling. Not in a good way. Bad-dazzling.
1. This Fashion Savvy Gentleman.
Early interaction with my boyfriend-
Me: "That suit looks great on you. It would look better on the floor."
Him: "That would wrinkle the suit."
2. Translation: "Bless His Heart" = "What A Moron."
My then-not-boyfriend and I were waiting at the train station on my train home; he would leave with the bus after it arrived. My train came and I thought 'f*** it' and kissed my then-not-boyfriend on the mouth. Immediately after, I jumped on the train, on which the doors then closed. I didn't see his reaction nor felt it so I sat pretty anxious on the train, thinking I ruined it all. About 5 minutes later, I got a text saying:
'That was meant as a friends kiss, right?'
Lol, bless his heart.
3. According To The Responses, He Was Trying To Hide, Um, A Growing Problem
Last summer I was doing my best to seduce who is my current boyfriend. We were going swimming at a friend's house, and while they were changing into their bathing suits in the house, me and him make our way to the pool.
I take advantage of this moment to strip in front of him, as sensual as possible. (Bathing suit was underneath my clothes.)
He runs past me, full sprint, and cannonballs into the pool.
4. "I Don't Want You To Go" Means I Don't Want You To Go!
I knew this girl for a year and had kinda had feelings for her the whole time. We got close for a few weeks and one time I'm watching some films at hers. It gets late and I start to head out, she says "I don't want you to go".
Thinking she was just feeling lonely or whatever I follow her upstairs and we get in bed... and do nothing. Lights go out, we start going to sleep. I'm sitting there the whole time thinking "damn, I wish I had the balls to make a move" but don't.
Then she sits up, takes her top off in a way I couldn't possibly miss, and lies down again. Still, I don't get that SHE'S trying to make moves on ME.
10 minutes later she finally gives up and just kisses me. She mocked me about this for months after.
5. Things Just Weren't Vibing
One time I was texting my bf and told him that I bought a vibrator for the nights he was away at work or something rather. his exact response was, "oh cool, what colour?" I sent him a pic of it and he replied with "can you put it up your butt too?". I sent him a text replying, "come over and find out" and he replied two minutes later, "nevermind, I just Googled it"
6. Such A Gentleman
I love to share this one: A long time before my husband and I started dating we were partying in my apartment. He said he was going to crash on the couch. I told him "you can come sleep in my bed". I shit you not he said "well where would you sleep? I can't kick you out of your bed."
7. "Hugo Weaving Is Such A Great Wingman"
Sighs So I've actually had sex with a girl before realizing she was actually into me.
She knocks on my dorm room door wearing a miniskirt and carrying a chocolate cake (a whole chocolate cake) and says she just baked it and was wondering if I'd like to try some. I tell her that I'm not a big fan of chocolate (crushing her) but was intelligent enough to add that I'd like try it anyway. We set the cake aside. I invite her in and she asks what I'm up to.
I tell her the truth, that I was about to start watching V for Vendetta, and she squeals that she loves that movie and asks if she can watch it with me. We lay down on my unfolded futon and start watching it together under a blanket (this was in the dead of Boston winter).
We're watching the movie and she starts making all these comments about Hugo Weaving. "I love Hugo Weaving so much." "God, Hugo Weaving is so hot." "Man, Hugo Weaving makes me so h*rny." And all this time I'm like "yeah he's a great actor I loved him in the Matrix."
Maybe 20 minutes pass by and all of a sudden I feel her rubbing up against me. "Sorry, I hope you don't mind, I just got really h*rny and couldn't help myself." And here I am thinking I'm the luckiest dope in the world and I'm so glad I picked a movie that had Hugo Weaving in it. Of course I say something like "oh, uh, that's OK. I understand. I have actresses that really do that for me, too." And I do absolutely nothing because I still don't get that she's coming onto me.
And my mind-- my very underdeveloped pathetic mind-- my very first thoughts were "Hugo Weaving is such a great wingman" and "Damn talk about being in the right place at the right time." It took me another year before I realized it was all a ruse to get to me and I could have been watching any damn movie at all the whole time with more or less the same result.
8. Happy Halloween?
Halloween morning 2014, he knocked on my door to drive me to work. We had been friends for a month and he wouldn't make a move, so I answered the door in a T-shirt and cat ears and absolutely nothing else; that bastard walked right past me and looked for coffee in the kitchen.
We've been married 10 months now ?
He claims he totally knew my intentions but knew being a gentleman would get him farther, I say he's full of it.
9. Matt Has A Boyfriend
Back in college, my now s/o of 4 years would walk me home from class at night. Mustered up the courage to ask him to "come upstairs and have some wine with me". Hard no. Ok, he's not into it.
Two months later, he invites me and my friends to a party. He's blackout drunk when we show up, and tells my friend that he's in love with me and got wasted cuz he was nervous about seeing me. She convinces him to tell me (knowing I was also into him).
Curveball: Told me that he was really into me, but didn't want to mess up my relationship. Uhrm.. what relationship? Ya know, that guy from our class that you always talk to and giggle with. Uh.. Matt? As in Matt with the boyfriend, Matt? ........Oh, well that strangely explains a lot.
10. "Hey Babe I Gotta Poop!"
After a conversation with my boyfriend about not being obvious enough when trying to initiate sex, I decided to entice him by posing naked on the corner of the bed and seductively whispering "Hey, you" as he walked in the room.
His reaction? He walks in the room, gives me a bro nod, and says, "Hey, babe! I gotta poop."
We did NOT end up having sex that night.
11. Nope, We Don't Need An Eyeball Pic
Hitting on my now boyfriend of three years. I was complimenting him on how handsome he was and how he had beautiful eyes. I wanted a closer view of them so he texted me this creepy ass shot of his eyeball with his eye as widely opened as possible. He legitimately thought that's what I wanted. After our first date, I immediately started talking about potential future dates and how much fun I had with him. I stayed out so late that I missed my friends party. However, because I didn't hug him properly and asked to split the cost of the meal, he thought I wasn't actually interested.
12. Not That Kind Of Role Playing
When i was 18 and foolish a girl once asked me if i was into 'role-playing games'
I said of course! And promptly started showing her my WOW account... she left pretty soon after.
13. Humping Is A Pretty Sure Sign, Guys
After many moons of trying get this guy in bed I straight up humped his leg in an act of h*rny desperation. He thought it was hilarious. Years later he asked me why we never hooked up.
Edit: some clarification
We were making out on his couch at the time. I didn't just attack him and try to f*ck his leg.
14. Game Of Thrones
I started talking to a guy who was behind on Game Of Thrones. So I offered to give him my HBO password so we could watch it at his place, thinking it would be a good excuse to hang out. He ends up marathoning the show without me. We're dating now, but he sure as hell not watch season 7 without me
15. Bath Time
We were married two full years before I finally understood that if she took a bath at night I was going to get some. Watched a lot of baseball while she lay sparkling clean in bed alone.
16. The No Jeans Rule
I was staying the night at a female friend's house. I had a huge crush on her and it was the first night sleeping in the same bed.
Her: Just so you know, jeans aren't allowed in my bed. You have to take the off.
Me: Hahaha that's a dumb rule keeps them on
That one still stings
17. Pizza Is Life
I stripped completely naked, played sexy music and started rubbing his shoulders.
He didn't even turn around and just asked if I wanted to order pizza for dinner...
18. "Sausage Friend"
During a post break up drinking session, this girl starts talking to my friend (I wasn't in the mood to chat really). Eventually she asks him to give her my number, later I get a text from her saying that she is sorry about everything and that if I wanted I could be her "sausage friend". I had literally no idea what that meant and chalked it up to her liking a nice BBQ. Anyway we managed to hit it up about 6 months later.
19. When All Else Fails, Just Ask
I snuck over to see a guy I liked. We're hanging out and he asks if I want to go swimming. I tell him I didn't bring my swim suit, he suggests we go skinny dipping. I'm down.
So we go swimming, literally just swimming. We finish up and we go back inside where we lay on his bed still naked for 20 minutes. At that point I'm just like "look are we gonna f*ck or not?!"
I told him if him and his girlfriend ever break up he should hit me up and he texted a mutual friend asking "what does that mean"