Woman's Parents Expect Her And BF To Sleep Separately While They Stay Over, And The Internet Can't Even
Redditor u/tanrisiz has a bit of an awkward romance issue. You gotta love it when family insinuates themselves with... opinions. That's always a sign things are going to be fun. She asked the people of Reddit... Is it reasonable for my parents to expect me (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) to sleep separately?
I currently live with my boyfriend in a place fully funded by us. My conservative-ish parents know this and are fine with it. They implied before that they expect us to sleep in separate rooms when we sleep over at theirs which I respect because it's their place and their rules. However my mom said that she would expect us to sleep separately when they come over to visit as well. I believe that this is too much because you can't impose rules like that when you are coming over to someone's house. They come here knowing we live together so it is unfair of them to expect us to amend our living arrangements for them. They did pay for my education and accommodation abroad the past 4 years but I am employed and living on my salary now.
Are my parents being reasonable when they expect their grown up daughter to sleep on a couch when visiting her place where she lives with her boyfriend?
My mom went on to say that they would just get a hotel anyway to avoid the awkwardness, but she was still expecting me to at least offer to do this as a gesture. What's the point of even bringing this up if you weren't going to take up the offer anyway?!
Stand your ground!
Nah, "your house your rules" works both ways. It's your house, your rules. You show them respect in their home, and you should be able to expect the same from them.
You don't own me!
Oh Please- that doesn't mean they own you forever, and you know that. Let them stay in a hotel and don't give it another thought. You're an adult now.
Providing support doesn't give a control or ownership interest.
Tear up the Prenup!
You're not an indentured servant. If they wanted you to agree to live by certain principles after they stopped supporting you, they should have had you sign a contract.
And you're going to support them in their old age. Again, works both ways.
College is over... tell them.
Them helping you financially with your education is their job as parents and does not grant them any say in what you choose to do with your adult life.
Tell them they're welcome to stay at your place as long as it's understood that you're not changing your sleeping arrangement to suit them and that you won't put up with them making any comments about it.
Free Yourself!
I feel like they are expecting me to do that because they paid so much money for my education and living expenses in the past years.
This doesn't matter.
Letting go of this feeling is EXTREMELY FREEING. My parents aren't as bad as yours but I've had to deal with similar feelings of obligation, guilt, inadequacy if I don't do it "their way," etc. Trust me: start making your own life rules in YOUR home and enforcing them. It'll help with your personal growth and independence.
Give them some 50 Shades options...
Tell Mom that as a courtesy to them as your guests, you'll have sex quietly. Tell her you'll do it on the sex swing using a ball gag, so there won't be any squeaks or moans.
Why would anyone be listening? Talk about weird.
So much this. Your house, your rules.
My (now husband, then boyfriend) and I slept in separate rooms at my parents house until we were 25. We shared a room at our apartments, even when my parents visited. It wasn't a big deal.
I later found out my parents only had us stay in separate rooms because they were worried my brother would be uncomfortable with my SO and I having sex just one wall away from his room. He's a few years younger than me.
But either way, your house. Your rules. If they aren't comfortable with you and your boyfriend sharing a bed, then they can stay at a hotel. It's not a huge deal.
Think about that mom!
it made her feel unwanted
Flip it on her.
"I would really love to have you and dad over, I'm sorry if you refuse to do that because you don't accept my lifestyle."
I said this and she was like "why do we have to be the one who accepts your boundaries all the time? Why don't you accept ours for once?" In my mind, accepting theirs while staying under their roof is reasonable but my boundaries apply under my roof. But she expects me not to have separate boundaries under my roof.
Lines in the sand...
I literally never comment here but this is the most true thing in the thread. Boundaries are where you draw your PERSONAL line, telling other people what they can and cant do is NOT boundaries. While you are in their home, you can either sleep separately or not attend. While they are in YOUR home, you make the choices and they get to decide if they want to come and deal with that or stay home and whine like children who don't get their way.
Where have I heard that before?
Pull the classic parent response:
"When you're under my roof, you follow my rules!"
In the end you need to accept you won't change her mind. She'll twist any argument to have it her way. So stop trying. Tell her one more time tour house your rules, then avoid the topic with her, repeat as needed. You're an adult.
Stand your ground!
My parents are also pretty darn conservative. Like my mom told me that I had committed a sin for moving one of my friends into the her townhouse with her boyfriend, because I enabled the near occasion of sin for them. So I wouldn't assume that they were actively trying to exert control over you. Unless they put up a fuss about, you moving in with your boyfriend, I'm pretty sure they are willing to step back and let you live your life. They probably just didn't want to be around certain aspects of your life, hence why they asked.
Did they overstep? Yup. Are they being unreasonable? Eh... a bit. Your mom offering to get a hotel room shows that they are at least trying to meet you in the middle. They just wanted it their way first, which is typical in my experience. They have their beliefs and want you to have them as well. It really depends on how much they fight you on them is when it becomes a problem. My advice is just drop the subject. However; if they bring it up, stand your ground.
All's fair...
I currently live with my boyfriend in a place fully funded by us.
It's not necessarily "fair," but their house, their rules would apply here.
If you wanted to be petty you could say you're happy to sleep in different beds because doing it on the couch, floor, and sofa are easy enough alternates.
Grownish...
You are adults loving in your own home. Your parents are being prudish and unreasonable.
Boundaries are essential...
Your house, your rules. It works both ways. I know they might be framing this as a simple little thing you can do to make them more comfortable and you might not think it's a huge deal, but it's really important that you put your foot down. Guests, even if they're your parents, have no right to come into your home and ask you to modify your lifestyle to suit them. And if you give in now, it will set a bad precedent that they can interfere with your lives. One day you two might have a /r/JUSTNOMIL situation on your hands if you don't establish boundaries now.
If I were a boy...
Agreeing to stay apart at their house is one thing - their house, their rules. The same should apply to you. My parents made me and my now husband stay apart in their home until we were 21, and it only stopped when on the same trip, my 20 yr old brother and his 17 yr old girlfriend were allowed to stay together. I pitched a fit, obviously, and when all my dad had to say was "it's different bc he's a boy" I was able to convince him how stupid that is lol.
What's good for the goose...
Tell your parents that you will be happy to avoid intimacy while they're around as long as they promise the same :-)
Invest in conservative PJs if you don't have any :-)
Those are reasonable compromises, but your bed is your bed! They can sleep in a hotel room if they are that uncomfortable with it.
There is always somewhere to sleep...
They implied before that they expect us to sleep in separate rooms when we sleep over at theirs which I respect because it's their place and their rules.
Yup. In their house, you abide by their rules. My dad had the same stance when my ex, who I wasn't even with by then and I were gonna stay at his place.
I ended up not needing to crash at his place, but If I did, we'd have used separate rooms. If I had a problem with it, I could have just found lodging elsewhere.
In your house? Even the one they pay for, you sleep where you want.
Live with it or move on...
Of course they're being unreasonable! Look, I have conservative parents too, but I have long since trained them to not think they're opinion holds sway in my house. My parents would prefer I never had sex before marriage either, but you damn well better believe they would never ever ever in a million years voice the idea that I should sleep apart from my partner in my own damn house.
When looking at a resume, it's easy to understand how prospective employers will assume someone is very intelligent based on their education and past experience.
But one shouldn't only assume someone's intelligence based on what they read.
More often than not, one can tell rather quickly that someone possesses above-average intelligence, based on how they speak, how they behave, or other telling details.
Redditor PadWanKenobi was curious to hear what people felt were the tell tale signs they were in the company of a possible genius, leading them to ask:
"What’s a sign of extremely high intelligence?"
Instant adapability
"Ability to intuitively and quickly understand complex systems and how lots of parts relate in a coherent whole."
"Like I work with some people who just keep tons of concepts in their head and easily integrate new information into their understanding of those concepts."
"They immediately know what questions they should be asking to better understand."
"And these are things they're currently working on, not like things they spent time studying in school over years."
"They just have a very strong ability to synthesize new information into their understanding."
"I sit in meetings distracted and confused having forgotten what we talked about in the previous meetings, and these folks just consistently have a solid handle on everything."- Ok-Control-787
Innate Problem Solvers
"They know when not to solve a problem."
"This took me a while to understand but the smartest people I know do this."
"It could be a really simple thing like ignoring emails from people asking for help."
"The supervisor or boss might have a quick and easy solution for the situation but instead of just handing it to the person that asked they let them figure it out on their own."
"They know who they can do this with and when to do it."
"If they did that with all of their underlings it would just create a mess."
"Another example that I can think of is planned chaos."
"Some people can predict exactly where things will go wrong and they could fix it before it creates a problem."
"They don't because nobody ever notices what's going on in the background when things are working perfectly."
"Once things fails then everybody notices and if you are the one person that fixed it you become the hero."
"They can also use then chaos to reach a goal they couldn't get before if things were working correctly."
"There's many examples of this in every day life that I didn't see before until I realized what was happening."- atapes
GiphyYou know what they say about people with small hands
"If your hand is smaller than your face."- FallofTheKnight
The all knowing glow.
"When someone asks you a question and you push your glasses up while light comes out of it and covers your eyes for some reason."- JonEregor
Those giveaway behavioral quirks
"Wearing glasses and saying things like 'ah yes', and 'I see' while you pensively rub your chin."- iuytrefdgh436yujhe2
Thinking Reaction GIF by ABC TV + IVIEWGiphyEncouraging others
"When they explain something they make the people around them feel smarter, not dumber."- redkat85
Being one step ahead.
"The capacity to understand complex things, see patterns where regular people don't."- Ostepop234
"They have this tendency to make you go 'Ohhh, why didn't I think of that?' when listening to them talk."- did_it_forthelulz
Why Didnt I Think Of That Cillian Murphy GIFGiphyAn endless love of learning
"A passion for knowledge and expanding understanding of complex concepts."
"The plumber can be just as insightful as the scholar."- KatatoniK94
Of course, one shouldn't always be fooled by what they see.
As many people are masters at appearing much smarter than they are.
In fact, one important sign of super intelligence is being able to separate those who appear smart, from those who actually are.
With each passing year of a marriage, couples will often discover that while they don't love each other any less than they once did, that spark their relationship used to carry has faded.
This will often lead these couples to look for ways to spice things up a bit.
Among the more popular experiments is inviting a third member to their bedroom.
Enticing as this prospect is, however, it's also easy to be intimidated by the reality of it, or even the mere suggestion of it.
"Men, what advice do you have for men whose wives want to bring a third into the bedroom?"
Make sure you want to do it.
"You need to be completely honest with yourself, ask if this is something you want and could live with."- Dame87
Proceed with caution
"It’s like frolicking in a mine field."
"You both better be SUPER into the idea, you can’t have one person who’s reluctantly agreed to go along with it."
"And established rules."
"A threesome sounds like fun and games until you’re watching your partner make faces and sounds that you only thought were for you in your most intimate moments together, and a burning jealousy comes out of nowhere and breaks your heart."
"I’m not saying it’s automatically a bad idea and I know people do polyamory successfully, but dear god be careful."- coleosis1414
Make sure you're an active participant
"I had an ex that was adamant that she wanted to be a swinger or whatever."
"The one time I decided to roll with it, I hit it off immediately with the other dude's girlfriend and had a blast hanging out with her all night."
"The other dude was a total creep, though."
"Also, my ex could not handle the fact that someone else was giving me the slightest bit of attention."
"So, needless to say, that didn't go anywhere."
"Turns out she didn't want to be a swinger, she just wanted to have sex with other people behind my back, which she had no problems whatsoever with."- Ted_Denslow
Look out for ulterior motives
"Just remember that if you bring this up and your husband is against it, that could be the beginning of the end of your marriage."
"For a lot of people their partner saying 'I am seriously considering having sex with other people and I'm checking with you if it is ok', is a deal breaker."- gamerplays
Consider a test run?
"Go to a bar together separately."
"Watch them flirt/interact with someone else."
"If you get jealous, it's probably a bad idea to bring in a third."
"If it turns you on, go for it."- SinSlayer
Query people with experience.
"It’s something my wife and I have talked about."
"We both agreed that opening the Pandora’s box is not the way we want our relationship to go."
"While it sounds fun, we have seen way to many relationships derailed because of it."- DarthDujo
Consider going whole hog.
"Bring a 4th."- xxemrgmi
Evaluate your relationship first.
"Make sure you and your partner are secure in your own relationship before having another person join."
"Have boundaries, and no secrets."
"From my experience it doesn't usually work out in the end."- Thick-Procedure455
Just don't!
"Don't do it."
"For a long time, my ex harbored a fantasy of watching me have sex with another woman."
"Hey, who knows why any of us are wired the way we are?"
"After contemplating the idea together for a while, we decided to approach one of her more attractive co-workers, who had made a series of flattering comments along the lines of "you're so lucky" and "he's so good-looking'."
"She enthusiastically agreed."
"Our first meet-up was of course awkward, but the second, third and following were pretty good."
"In fact they got progressively hotter, as we all got more comfortable with each other's boundaries, erotic likes and dislikes."
"However, over a few months these occasional kinky weekends transitioned into the co-worker asking more frequently and aggressively to be invited over."
"We tried to explain that we had intended these threesomes to be rare and exotic highlights in our sex life, not regular occurrences, but she didn't take the message to heart and instead became increasingly insistent, bordering on smothering."
"After being turned down one Friday, that night she unexpectedly showed up at our door anyway, carrying a weekend bag and wearing nothing but a raincoat, stay-ups and heels."
"While that was quite a sight, it definitely creeped us out, as it made us finally realize the whole arrangement was descending into 'play Misty for me' territory."
"My ex and I agreed that her unexpected and unwelcome appearance signaled the end of future three-ways, at least until we were able to cool our own selves down, reassess, and perhaps later find a less demanding and insistent third."
"Things subsequently got very sticky at work for my wife, as her co-worker, with whom she had to interact closely, strongly resented being permabanned, and kept demanding to know 'what she'd done that was so awful'."
"Coworker eventually asked to be transferred to another office, but by the time that process was over and done, the discomfort / guilt / pressure / confusion my ex was suffering both at home and at work had begun to take its psychological toll."
"I must confess it didn't help that our own sex life was simultaneously going through a rough patch."
"Long story short, we ended our decade-long relationship less than a year after breaking off the threesomes, chiefly due to trust issues and growing sexual incompatibility, both perhaps triggered by our experimentation."
"Ever since, I've regretted agreeing to that first three-way."
"If I hadn't been so damned eager to take a bite of forbidden fruit, we might have kept our relationship intact."
"But I guess this can also be put down as what sometimes happens when you ignore that old advice, 'don't sh*t where you sleep'."- theartfulcodger
When venturing into the unknown, it's always wise to gain some first hand experience, to hear a variety of pros and cons of what you're possibly getting yourself into.
That way, deciding whether or not it's for you will become increasingly clear.
It's also important to remember, that it is always ok to say "no".
People Share Their Best 'You Either Die The Hero Or Live Long Enough To Become The Villain' Experiences
"You either die the hero or live long enough to become the villain."
Though not necessarily a universal truth, all of us have witnessed unfortunate moments in our lives where we've seen this saying become a reality.
Be it seeing our favorite public figures take a serious fall from grace, someone we know and admire eventually disappointing us in a devastating manner, or even seeing ourselves turn into someone we promised we'd never become.
One Redditor was curious to hear people's examples of this saying coming to light, either from a personal experience or seeing it happen to a well-known, public figure, leading them to ask:
"Who is your example of 'you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain'?"
Jim Jones
"Jim Jones."
"He originally stood up for civil rights when it was really unpopular."
"Was hospitalized and accidentally placed in the black ward."
"When the doctors found out, they tried to move him, but he refused."
"Then he became a cult leader and used his power and influence to end the lives of a thousand people."- Crvsby
Earning a position of power
"Working in restaurant kitchens."
"You either burn out young, or become the boss that everyone hates."
"There's exceptions, but that's the rule."- grandpas_old_crow
Henry Heimlich
"Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver."
"Made up a bunch of untested uses for it, treating people having asthma attacks, and drowning victims were the two I remember that he publicly talked up."
"Later, he funded an experiment that involved injecting people with Malaria to see if it would treat other conditions.
"The experiment was found to be unethical by American review boards, so he conducted them in Ethiopia." - User Deleted
Philippe Petain
"Philippe Petain."
"In WW1 he led the French to victory at Verdun, one of the worst battles in human history."
"In WW2, after France was beaten, Petain was the head of state of Vichy France."
"Guy went from the Lion of Verdun to the biggest Nazi collaborator in France."- arthuranymoredonuts
Our bodies
"Every organ until it gets cancer."- SuperBaconjam
Conor McGregor
"Conor McGregor."
"He had the whole country behind him here in Ireland at one point bar people who thought combat sport is grotesque."
"He was witty, original, backing himself up and having a Hollywood like rise to stardom."
"Now he's someone who the whole country is ashamed of, goes punching old men, clearly sleeps around on his wife while she's at home with the kids, just a walking caricature of himself."
"He didn't listen to his own advice."
"Get in."
"Get rich."
"Get out."- StephenPigot2020
Turning into our parents
"My dad used to annoy me by calling my Pokemon cards 'Pokey-Mans'."
"Now my kids have them and I do the same thing and it annoys the sh*t out of them."
"Thanks for the (Pokeyman) gold!"- rumpel4skinOU
Benedict Arnold
"Benedict Arnold."
"Almost died during the revolutionary way, if I recall correctly, and if he had he would have been remembered a huge hero, and a martyr."
"Instead he lived and changed sides, and is remembered only for his being a traitor."- uniqueperson22
Be it someone we knew quite intimately, or someone we admired from a far, it is always heartbreaking to see someone evolve from someone we love, to someone we utterly hate.
Sometimes we do things that have to be done.
And some of those things live in life's gray area of right and wrong.
What comes as a surprise to some is when we don't care if we're wrong.
We may still technically be in the right.
But morally and ethically, there may be some issues.
But still, many people don't care.
Redditor BirdyPizzawanted to see who would fess up about some of the worst things we're responsible for but have no shame.
"What is the darkest thing you have ever done and don’t regret?"
I've stolen from department stores that overcharged. I was arrested. I didn't care. So there...
The Grief
"Five years ago my dad suffered a catastrophic stroke. Left paralyzed and robbed of his speech and ability to communicate he was a shell of the once vibrant, charismatic man he once was. He was moved into skilled nursing where he lived for nearly two years, he was miserable."
"On my last visit I told him it was okay if he wanted to leave us, that we would miss him but he should go. A week later I received the call that he had passed. Instead of immediate grief I felt relief. Relief that he was finally free. The grief came later and I still miss him every single day."
theroadtoeverywhere
Things Missing
"Got into a car accident and had to stay with my mom for a couple days to figure out what to do. Went back to my apartment (I had two roommates) and everything was missing from my room. Long story short one of my roommates had everything hidden in her room."
"I called and told her the things were missing from my room and she came up with a lie that a couple girls came to look at my room (I was moving out bc of the accident, long story) and that they must have taken my things. She had everything I owned. Including my grandmothers perfume bottles, stuffed to the back of her closet, under her bed, behind her dresser etc."
"So I packed all of my stuff up. Then took a giant black garbage bag and stuffed as much of her closet in it as I could. Took it to the middle of nowhere, dug a hole and burnt it. She called screaming at me that her stuff was missing. I told her the two girls must have come by and taken her stuff too."
udntsay
Violence
"I hit my uncle left right and center when he was trying to choke my father to death. I was 16 years old at that time, a very skinny girl. I beat his face neck and every part of him that I could target with so much intensity that my knuckles turned blue the next day. I had an animalistic rage that day trying to help my father get away from his death grip. I hate my uncle even today."
"I got anger issues because of growing up around him. And I don't regret beating him that day at all. He was physically abusive to his wife as well. One fine day, his wife retaliated by beating him blue with a stick. And he stopped being physically violent towards her post that."
avadakebakra
Danger
"A neighbor like 10 years ago was neglecting their dog badly in the heat. The dog escaped often and ended up at the shelter a lot. One day she jumped the fence and got her tie-out cable stuck on the fence. (She was not in danger of choking.) Neighbor put her on a 3-foot-long cable tied to a doorknob, no water, 90 degree day. I let some kind folks steal her, watched the whole thing and said nothing to stop them."
Oh-Oh-Ophelia
Goodbye
"When my father was dying and in pain I was the one who told the doctors he had been through enough and we couldn't see him suffer anymore. Doctor injected him with something, I assume a morphine mega dose and he passed peacefully moments after. Euthanasia may not be legal in UK but compassionate doctors know what's what. I don't regret it because my pa made me promise I would have his back when he got sick or old. I'm sad he got sick and never got to get old."
Express_Evidence_23
That is a lot of mess. But sometimes we have to do what we have to do.
Toxic
"One of my ex best friends in high school was a real narcissistic lunatic. Had so many egotistical fantasies about what he deserved but I remained his friend because we met through my close friend (his girlfriend). As I started realizing what a terrible person he was I convinced him to go after his fantasy of a harem by asking to add a 3rd to their relationship, that led to a fight between his gf."
"I called her about it and asked how she felt about him adding someone to their relationship and about him sleeping with her. She said she knew nothing about that and started crying because he cheated on her. I basically helped orchestrate their breakup and have no regrets. She is happy with her first child now and he is in a toxic af relationship with 3 kids, 2 of which aren't his and his partner is 8 years older than him."
skijeng
My Buddy
"Had to make the choice to take my dad off of life support after he got Covid this year. He was sedated for a couple of weeks and one of his lungs collapsed and I couldn't watch him fall apart anymore. My dad was a bulky dude. Constantly did a lot of outdoor work and to see him bone skinny and have no muscle left killed me and I knew even if he somehow got through it, he would have been so miserable and depressed in that state he was in. I don’t regret it. I think it was the right thing to do by him. I’ll never not miss him though. That was my buddy."
CarterS20884
The Ruin
"Turned a close friend into the fish and game. He would poach mountain lions and bears. His whole family would literally shoot them and leave them. He would brag about it. I couldn’t stand it and felt that I needed to stop him. He’s in prison and so is his uncle. I know I ruined his life but he was literally killing so many mountain lions and bears."
Donkey-Puncherr
School Daze
"In middle school, there was this group of boys that would corner me in the hallway and try to scare me. I was the perfect target for these little b**tards. I was short, skinny, and had (and still have) and anxiety disorder. One day I just had enough, and asked a friend if I could have an extra pencil, sharpened it as much as I could, and when I saw one of them in the hallway, I stabbed the hell out of his leg. Sh**head got what he deserved."
leserolith3
Wow... we really are a dark and secretive people.