Redditor u/tanrisiz has a bit of an awkward romance issue. You gotta love it when family insinuates themselves with... opinions. That's always a sign things are going to be fun. She asked the people of Reddit... Is it reasonable for my parents to expect me (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) to sleep separately?
I currently live with my boyfriend in a place fully funded by us. My conservative-ish parents know this and are fine with it. They implied before that they expect us to sleep in separate rooms when we sleep over at theirs which I respect because it's their place and their rules. However my mom said that she would expect us to sleep separately when they come over to visit as well. I believe that this is too much because you can't impose rules like that when you are coming over to someone's house. They come here knowing we live together so it is unfair of them to expect us to amend our living arrangements for them. They did pay for my education and accommodation abroad the past 4 years but I am employed and living on my salary now.
Are my parents being reasonable when they expect their grown up daughter to sleep on a couch when visiting her place where she lives with her boyfriend?
My mom went on to say that they would just get a hotel anyway to avoid the awkwardness, but she was still expecting me to at least offer to do this as a gesture. What's the point of even bringing this up if you weren't going to take up the offer anyway?!
Stand your ground!
Nah, "your house your rules" works both ways. It's your house, your rules. You show them respect in their home, and you should be able to expect the same from them.
You don't own me!
Oh Please- that doesn't mean they own you forever, and you know that. Let them stay in a hotel and don't give it another thought. You're an adult now.
Providing support doesn't give a control or ownership interest.
Tear up the Prenup!
You're not an indentured servant. If they wanted you to agree to live by certain principles after they stopped supporting you, they should have had you sign a contract.
College is over... tell them.
Them helping you financially with your education is their job as parents and does not grant them any say in what you choose to do with your adult life.
Tell them they're welcome to stay at your place as long as it's understood that you're not changing your sleeping arrangement to suit them and that you won't put up with them making any comments about it.
I feel like they are expecting me to do that because they paid so much money for my education and living expenses in the past years.
This doesn't matter.
Letting go of this feeling is EXTREMELY FREEING. My parents aren't as bad as yours but I've had to deal with similar feelings of obligation, guilt, inadequacy if I don't do it "their way," etc. Trust me: start making your own life rules in YOUR home and enforcing them. It'll help with your personal growth and independence.
Give them some 50 Shades options...
Tell Mom that as a courtesy to them as your guests, you'll have sex quietly. Tell her you'll do it on the sex swing using a ball gag, so there won't be any squeaks or moans.
Why would anyone be listening? Talk about weird.
So much this. Your house, your rules.
My (now husband, then boyfriend) and I slept in separate rooms at my parents house until we were 25. We shared a room at our apartments, even when my parents visited. It wasn't a big deal.
I later found out my parents only had us stay in separate rooms because they were worried my brother would be uncomfortable with my SO and I having sex just one wall away from his room. He's a few years younger than me.
But either way, your house. Your rules. If they aren't comfortable with you and your boyfriend sharing a bed, then they can stay at a hotel. It's not a huge deal.
Think about that mom!
it made her feel unwanted
Flip it on her.
"I would really love to have you and dad over, I'm sorry if you refuse to do that because you don't accept my lifestyle."
I said this and she was like "why do we have to be the one who accepts your boundaries all the time? Why don't you accept ours for once?" In my mind, accepting theirs while staying under their roof is reasonable but my boundaries apply under my roof. But she expects me not to have separate boundaries under my roof.
Lines in the sand...
I literally never comment here but this is the most true thing in the thread. Boundaries are where you draw your PERSONAL line, telling other people what they can and cant do is NOT boundaries. While you are in their home, you can either sleep separately or not attend. While they are in YOUR home, you make the choices and they get to decide if they want to come and deal with that or stay home and whine like children who don't get their way.
Where have I heard that before?
Pull the classic parent response:
"When you're under my roof, you follow my rules!"
In the end you need to accept you won't change her mind. She'll twist any argument to have it her way. So stop trying. Tell her one more time tour house your rules, then avoid the topic with her, repeat as needed. You're an adult.
Stand your ground!
My parents are also pretty darn conservative. Like my mom told me that I had committed a sin for moving one of my friends into the her townhouse with her boyfriend, because I enabled the near occasion of sin for them. So I wouldn't assume that they were actively trying to exert control over you. Unless they put up a fuss about, you moving in with your boyfriend, I'm pretty sure they are willing to step back and let you live your life. They probably just didn't want to be around certain aspects of your life, hence why they asked.
Did they overstep? Yup. Are they being unreasonable? Eh... a bit. Your mom offering to get a hotel room shows that they are at least trying to meet you in the middle. They just wanted it their way first, which is typical in my experience. They have their beliefs and want you to have them as well. It really depends on how much they fight you on them is when it becomes a problem. My advice is just drop the subject. However; if they bring it up, stand your ground.
I currently live with my boyfriend in a place fully funded by us.
It's not necessarily "fair," but their house, their rules would apply here.
If you wanted to be petty you could say you're happy to sleep in different beds because doing it on the couch, floor, and sofa are easy enough alternates.
You are adults loving in your own home. Your parents are being prudish and unreasonable.
Boundaries are essential...
Your house, your rules. It works both ways. I know they might be framing this as a simple little thing you can do to make them more comfortable and you might not think it's a huge deal, but it's really important that you put your foot down. Guests, even if they're your parents, have no right to come into your home and ask you to modify your lifestyle to suit them. And if you give in now, it will set a bad precedent that they can interfere with your lives. One day you two might have a /r/JUSTNOMIL situation on your hands if you don't establish boundaries now.
If I were a boy...
Agreeing to stay apart at their house is one thing - their house, their rules. The same should apply to you. My parents made me and my now husband stay apart in their home until we were 21, and it only stopped when on the same trip, my 20 yr old brother and his 17 yr old girlfriend were allowed to stay together. I pitched a fit, obviously, and when all my dad had to say was "it's different bc he's a boy" I was able to convince him how stupid that is lol.
What's good for the goose...
Tell your parents that you will be happy to avoid intimacy while they're around as long as they promise the same :-)
Invest in conservative PJs if you don't have any :-)
Those are reasonable compromises, but your bed is your bed! They can sleep in a hotel room if they are that uncomfortable with it.
There is always somewhere to sleep...
They implied before that they expect us to sleep in separate rooms when we sleep over at theirs which I respect because it's their place and their rules.
Yup. In their house, you abide by their rules. My dad had the same stance when my ex, who I wasn't even with by then and I were gonna stay at his place.
I ended up not needing to crash at his place, but If I did, we'd have used separate rooms. If I had a problem with it, I could have just found lodging elsewhere.
In your house? Even the one they pay for, you sleep where you want.
Live with it or move on...
Of course they're being unreasonable! Look, I have conservative parents too, but I have long since trained them to not think they're opinion holds sway in my house. My parents would prefer I never had sex before marriage either, but you damn well better believe they would never ever ever in a million years voice the idea that I should sleep apart from my partner in my own damn house.
I laughed out loud when I got to the part about your mom's request. That's a serious boundary violation she was pursuing - good on you for holding your ground.