Woman's Parents Expect Her And BF To Sleep Separately While They Stay Over, And The Internet Can't Even
Redditor u/tanrisiz has a bit of an awkward romance issue. You gotta love it when family insinuates themselves with... opinions. That's always a sign things are going to be fun. She asked the people of Reddit... Is it reasonable for my parents to expect me (24F) and my boyfriend (24M) to sleep separately?
I currently live with my boyfriend in a place fully funded by us. My conservative-ish parents know this and are fine with it. They implied before that they expect us to sleep in separate rooms when we sleep over at theirs which I respect because it's their place and their rules. However my mom said that she would expect us to sleep separately when they come over to visit as well. I believe that this is too much because you can't impose rules like that when you are coming over to someone's house. They come here knowing we live together so it is unfair of them to expect us to amend our living arrangements for them. They did pay for my education and accommodation abroad the past 4 years but I am employed and living on my salary now.
Are my parents being reasonable when they expect their grown up daughter to sleep on a couch when visiting her place where she lives with her boyfriend?
My mom went on to say that they would just get a hotel anyway to avoid the awkwardness, but she was still expecting me to at least offer to do this as a gesture. What's the point of even bringing this up if you weren't going to take up the offer anyway?!
Stand your ground!
Nah, "your house your rules" works both ways. It's your house, your rules. You show them respect in their home, and you should be able to expect the same from them.
You don't own me!
Oh Please- that doesn't mean they own you forever, and you know that. Let them stay in a hotel and don't give it another thought. You're an adult now.
Providing support doesn't give a control or ownership interest.
Tear up the Prenup!
You're not an indentured servant. If they wanted you to agree to live by certain principles after they stopped supporting you, they should have had you sign a contract.
College is over... tell them.
Them helping you financially with your education is their job as parents and does not grant them any say in what you choose to do with your adult life.
Tell them they're welcome to stay at your place as long as it's understood that you're not changing your sleeping arrangement to suit them and that you won't put up with them making any comments about it.
I feel like they are expecting me to do that because they paid so much money for my education and living expenses in the past years.
This doesn't matter.
Letting go of this feeling is EXTREMELY FREEING. My parents aren't as bad as yours but I've had to deal with similar feelings of obligation, guilt, inadequacy if I don't do it "their way," etc. Trust me: start making your own life rules in YOUR home and enforcing them. It'll help with your personal growth and independence.
Give them some 50 Shades options...
Tell Mom that as a courtesy to them as your guests, you'll have sex quietly. Tell her you'll do it on the sex swing using a ball gag, so there won't be any squeaks or moans.
Why would anyone be listening? Talk about weird.
So much this. Your house, your rules.
My (now husband, then boyfriend) and I slept in separate rooms at my parents house until we were 25. We shared a room at our apartments, even when my parents visited. It wasn't a big deal.
I later found out my parents only had us stay in separate rooms because they were worried my brother would be uncomfortable with my SO and I having sex just one wall away from his room. He's a few years younger than me.
But either way, your house. Your rules. If they aren't comfortable with you and your boyfriend sharing a bed, then they can stay at a hotel. It's not a huge deal.
Think about that mom!
it made her feel unwanted
Flip it on her.
"I would really love to have you and dad over, I'm sorry if you refuse to do that because you don't accept my lifestyle."
I said this and she was like "why do we have to be the one who accepts your boundaries all the time? Why don't you accept ours for once?" In my mind, accepting theirs while staying under their roof is reasonable but my boundaries apply under my roof. But she expects me not to have separate boundaries under my roof.
Lines in the sand...
I literally never comment here but this is the most true thing in the thread. Boundaries are where you draw your PERSONAL line, telling other people what they can and cant do is NOT boundaries. While you are in their home, you can either sleep separately or not attend. While they are in YOUR home, you make the choices and they get to decide if they want to come and deal with that or stay home and whine like children who don't get their way.
Where have I heard that before?
Pull the classic parent response:
"When you're under my roof, you follow my rules!"
In the end you need to accept you won't change her mind. She'll twist any argument to have it her way. So stop trying. Tell her one more time tour house your rules, then avoid the topic with her, repeat as needed. You're an adult.
Stand your ground!
My parents are also pretty darn conservative. Like my mom told me that I had committed a sin for moving one of my friends into the her townhouse with her boyfriend, because I enabled the near occasion of sin for them. So I wouldn't assume that they were actively trying to exert control over you. Unless they put up a fuss about, you moving in with your boyfriend, I'm pretty sure they are willing to step back and let you live your life. They probably just didn't want to be around certain aspects of your life, hence why they asked.
Did they overstep? Yup. Are they being unreasonable? Eh... a bit. Your mom offering to get a hotel room shows that they are at least trying to meet you in the middle. They just wanted it their way first, which is typical in my experience. They have their beliefs and want you to have them as well. It really depends on how much they fight you on them is when it becomes a problem. My advice is just drop the subject. However; if they bring it up, stand your ground.
I currently live with my boyfriend in a place fully funded by us.
It's not necessarily "fair," but their house, their rules would apply here.
If you wanted to be petty you could say you're happy to sleep in different beds because doing it on the couch, floor, and sofa are easy enough alternates.
You are adults loving in your own home. Your parents are being prudish and unreasonable.
Boundaries are essential...
Your house, your rules. It works both ways. I know they might be framing this as a simple little thing you can do to make them more comfortable and you might not think it's a huge deal, but it's really important that you put your foot down. Guests, even if they're your parents, have no right to come into your home and ask you to modify your lifestyle to suit them. And if you give in now, it will set a bad precedent that they can interfere with your lives. One day you two might have a /r/JUSTNOMIL situation on your hands if you don't establish boundaries now.
If I were a boy...
Agreeing to stay apart at their house is one thing - their house, their rules. The same should apply to you. My parents made me and my now husband stay apart in their home until we were 21, and it only stopped when on the same trip, my 20 yr old brother and his 17 yr old girlfriend were allowed to stay together. I pitched a fit, obviously, and when all my dad had to say was "it's different bc he's a boy" I was able to convince him how stupid that is lol.
What's good for the goose...
Tell your parents that you will be happy to avoid intimacy while they're around as long as they promise the same :-)
Invest in conservative PJs if you don't have any :-)
Those are reasonable compromises, but your bed is your bed! They can sleep in a hotel room if they are that uncomfortable with it.
There is always somewhere to sleep...
They implied before that they expect us to sleep in separate rooms when we sleep over at theirs which I respect because it's their place and their rules.
Yup. In their house, you abide by their rules. My dad had the same stance when my ex, who I wasn't even with by then and I were gonna stay at his place.
I ended up not needing to crash at his place, but If I did, we'd have used separate rooms. If I had a problem with it, I could have just found lodging elsewhere.
In your house? Even the one they pay for, you sleep where you want.
Live with it or move on...
Of course they're being unreasonable! Look, I have conservative parents too, but I have long since trained them to not think they're opinion holds sway in my house. My parents would prefer I never had sex before marriage either, but you damn well better believe they would never ever ever in a million years voice the idea that I should sleep apart from my partner in my own damn house.
I laughed out loud when I got to the part about your mom's request. That's a serious boundary violation she was pursuing - good on you for holding your ground.
There are few things more annoying than when you are seeking advice and someone responds with a boring platitude that helps no one. Believe it or not, if you choose to provide advice, it needs to be specific to the situation and shouldn't be dressed up in trite phrasing. Does saying, "Keep your head up" actually contribute anything if that's all you have to say when someone comes to you in search of a listening ear?
But this goes deeper than just advice, to be fair. Some of us are sick of greedy corporations that stress the importance of being a "family" while refusing to pay proper wages. Still more of us are tired of people using certain language when other language can suffice.
After Redditor BensReddits asked the online community, "What is a phrase you absolutely hate hearing?" people shared their stories.
"At any sort of conference..."
At any sort of conference/gathering/presentation:
"How're you all doing today?!? C'mon, I know you can answer louder than that! HOW ARE YOU ALL DOING TODAY?!"
Instant resentment every time.
I second that resentment.
I attended a conference once where the main speaker did this several times in the span of thirty minutes as he announced different initiatives.
Such a headache.
"At my work..."
At my work upper management has started using the word "activate" a lot. As in, "We are working on plans to activate underutilized spaces." And, "Let's activate a few other teams on this." It just sounds silly to me and like they are trying too hard to avoid using simple, perfectly adequate language.
I'll take your "activate" and give you...
What is wrong with the word "use"?
"I was born in Australia..."
"Your English is so good!"
Thank you, I was born in Australia and English is literally my first language. My standard response these days is, "Oh thank you, yours too!"
This one is especially annoying...
...if you're not alabaster white.
This is a big one:
"Where are you from? No I mean where are you from."
Also annoying if you're not alabaster white.
"Someone saying to a teenager..."
Someone saying to a teenager, "These are the best years of your life!" I am in my mid-40s now and most people my age remember high school as horrible and awkward. The more appropriate thing to say is, "Hang in there kid! I promise life gets better. Just get through adolescence the best you can."
High school sucked.
My life vastly improved in my 20s. Let's not convince teenagers that they have nothing to look forward to after high school's over and done with.
"That's nothing... " when I tell them something only for them to turn it onto a competition and say something worse that happened to them.
The chronic one-upper.
"But she's your mother!"
Yeah, well she should've acted like one.
"I've heard it from people..."
"When you have your own children you'll understand."
I've heard it from people who don't understand that I want nothing more than my own family but being pregnant will kill me, and when I bring up adoption as a valid way of having children they'll buckle down on that phrase as to say adopted kids are not the same. It's disheartening to hear as a formal foster child and has reinforced my beliefs that no one really saw me as enough. Why would you say that to someone? All kids are the same and those without kids shouldn't be dismissed.
"I lost my daughter..."
"God has a plan" or "It happened for a reason."
I lost my daughter when I was 36 weeks in because of a sudden placental abruption followed by a uterine rupture, lost 2.2 litres of blood. I can't carry again without risking the child or myself. And I had to listen to a variety of phrases that made me want to hit those people. Those two were the worst. Followed by "You can try again" or "Did you get the child baptized?" (got this one only once though).
"Who on earth..."
"When are you going to have kids?"
Who on earth are you to not only insist I should stop and redirect my whole life for kids, but then put me on the spot and make up a timetable to change my whole life? Not everyone wants kids.
Now that you've learned a thing or two...
...you could say that all of the responses here are an exceptional opportunity to improve your social skills.
Have some of your own stories to share? Feel free to tell us about them in the comments below!
Dating is difficult––and truth be told, I don't know how anyone can do it right now, what with a pandemic going on and all. Just the thought stresses me out. Dating is especially hard for people who defy expectations in a heteronormative society. Take bisexuals, for example.
Bisexuals have been open about their struggles maintaining relationships with both men and women, even having to lie about their sexuality if they want to date certain people.
"I feel like if I end up in a straight relationship, I'll look like I was just experimenting all these years, but if I end up in a gay relationship people will say I was never actually bisexual," one man told the BBC in 2019. "Then if I don't have a monogamous relationship people will say I'm just greedy."
Indeed, the pressure to be either gay or straight can be a lot to navigate. After Redditor Trevor-on-Reddit asked the online community, "Bisexual people who have dated both genders, what are some notable differences you've learned about dating both men and women?" bisexuals spoke candidly about their experiences. Take note: You might learn something new.
We all know someone who really cannot figure out even the most basic thing without copious amounts of help. But when you meet someone who is completely and totally past all help, how do you even begin to try to help them get along?
Most of the time, they will just be flustered, or they won't listen. And you have to just stand Idly by and watch them fail.
What is your "This person has no idea how the real world works" moment?
Here were some of those stories.
The Boot, Not The Camp
When I was in boot camp, some kid put his letter addressed to 'mom' with no address attatched.
I was gonna say that its not that stupid for a very young kid to do that, but then I realized you said boot camp and not summer camp.
Don't Steal Dangerous Chemicals
A student working part time at my laboratory at a University came into my office and asked "so what all can I eat in the refrigerator, I didn't know I was supposed to bring my own lunch". I looked at him, stunned and replied "nothing, that food is what people brought for their own lunch, but you can use my grub hub to order". He DID NOT UNDERSTAND. It took 4 tries to get him to realize he can't just eat someone else's lunch.
Same student: I walked into the lab room and told him I made a full pot of coffee in the office and he could help himself. Him: "a pot of coffee? What's that?" He never used a coffee maker other than a Kuerig before and didn't even know it was a thing.
He was fired a month later for stealing chloroform.
No Ma'am, Like, REAL Bears
At a national park, the park ranger says "stay on the trails, there are bears in the area."
One lady says "isn't that dangerous? Why aren't they in their cages?"
"Ma'am, we're not a zoo."
These people are lucky to make it out of bed every day.
Sleeping On The Job
I lived with some Japanese exchange students during the final summer of college. They were really nice girls, but one of them (Mari) (~19 years old) obviously had no idea how anything worked. She spoke the best English and I was tutoring some of the other girls, while they helped me with my Japanese.
But Mari would constantly call me to come to get her because she thought we had free buses (all the buses). After all, we were students. That wasn't the issue. I could deal with that. It was a whole new culture. She was learning.
But what happened that made me realize Mari could not be left on her own was when she ended up in Eloy, Arizona. Which was ~400 miles and five hours from where we were. She had been talking to some guy on campus, he said he was visiting family in Arizona, and she said "I want to go."
He just took her with him, and she went without even telling us. She had just assumed the guy would take her back, but he said he couldn't because he was staying in Arizona. So I had to arrange a ticket, get her on the bus via the phone, and then pick her up two hours away because she missed her second bus by napping.
How...? What...? Huh...?
Had a friend who was in some uncredited scam online college for her master's degree in medical billing or something. She was on a loan program that was sending her about $5k every 3 months directly to her via check in the mail.
This was her only source of income. She kept calling it a grant that didn't need to be paid back. She was flat broke as a joke for 2 months but then the check would come in and she would be living the good life for a few weeks before being poor again.
We tried to do an intervention and show her the insane interest rate that would be back dated as soon as her "school" was done but she didn't want anyone to bust her free money dreams.
She just kept talking about all the money she would eventually be making billing insurance companies...turns out she wasn't even logging in to the online college or even attempting to get this degree.
She thought the money was free, the degree was automatic and the job was guaranteed. Some people are beyond help.
Such Brilliant. So Money. Wow
My boss told me about a friend of his, who told him af a "life hack". She would get her bills in the mail, NOT pay them, and then wait a couple of months to pay. Then she would cry so the debt collectors would feel bad and waive the fees for not paying on time. That was her "brilliant life hack"
Himbo Rights Activist
The other day, my 18yo brother-in-law got married to his highschool sweetheart in a parking garage so that they can live off campus at college together.
Girlfriend's, now wife, mother is an ordained minister. His parents, my in-laws, were very upset and he couldn't understand why because "it's just a fake marriage for school". Oh no, sweet boy. You are MARRIED. I just laughed and laughed. I love him dearly. He is a dumb*ss.
And yet somehow they are there to add these stories to our dull, dull days.
A dude (18 yo) in boot camp got a letter from home and I can see he is agitated. Being 22 and concerned for his well-being, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. (I'm thinking a Dear John letter or the Mom and Dad divorcing letter.)
He dead *ss told me that his younger brother got a Mercedes for his birthday and that he was pissed bc he "only got a BMW". Can't remember what I said, but I knew boot camp was gonna knock down. (It did.)
Who Pays Your Bills?
When my roommate, who never once paid for rent or groceries or anything, turned down the only job offer they have ever gotten, in front of me, TWICE.
They were so desperate they called him twice, offering good pay, during covid, and he had the gaul to say no in front of me. His excuse was "nah I'm sure there's something better. $20 an hour is garbage in this city" -_-
Just Read ONE Parenting Book
I worked for a clueless couple who had no idea how to raise a kid. He wore the same outfit everyday for a month until I gently suggested that he needs new clothes. His parents asked me "Where can we get baby clothes?" This was slightly hilarious given that they lived above a Target and next to a baby boutique.
I had to have the same conversation once the child was old enough for solid foods. I was asked "Where can we get baby food?" I had to explain that most grocery stores carry a baby aisle, or that she can mash up her own fruits at home for the baby. This family decided that sour cream would be a great first food for their baby!
I'll mention that this was a wealthy family who went on vacation at least 2-3 times a month. By far the weirdest thing they did was try and drop off Grandma at daycare along with the baby.
Stories like this make you feel like the most well-equipped, with it person alive, right?
We're all well aware of the weird, horrible, predatory things men do when attracted to women. But what about when women are the culprits?
Though it seems that, statistically, men are problematic at a WAY higher rate than women, there are certainly times where the person bringing the creepy vibes is, indeed, the woman.
Some men of Reddit gathered to share the most bizarre and uncomfortable things a woman has ever said.
AidenTheGamer14 asked, "Men of Reddit, what is the creepiest thing a girl has ever said or done to you?"
For some, it was the stalkers.
The cryptic behavior and frightening detective work of ex-lovers can be unparalleled.
Some Light Sleuthing
"Found out my address from the phone book, this was the 90s, sat outside my house for multiple nights, all night just watching my house, I live in the middle of the woods miles outside of town."
"We only had one date and agreed to leave it at that. I found out sometime later what she had been doing."
"Girl I was dating asked if I had changed the locks since breaking up with my ex months prior. I'm like 'No, but she wasn't a crazy person so I never worried about it.' She says if I don't change the locks she ain't comfortable sleeping over, so I change the locks."
"This ex sends me an angry text the next day 'So you changed your locks huh? Real nice a**hole.' So she had been coming over this whole time and doing who knows what."
She Stopped at Nothing
"She kept writing me letters at every address I lived at during that five-year period. If she didn't have the address she'd send them care of my parents. The most memorable is the one where she told me she was married and 'he's a great guy but he's not you.' "
"Once not long after I'd moved to a new address I came home and found a box of cookies she'd FedExed to me. Eventually I moved to a new state. I knew from her return addresses that she lived and worked there, and was worried we'd run into each other but realized that was pretty unlikely."
"Then after less than a year, she found me through a blog I was keeping and left a message on my voicemail demanding we meet. I posted a message to her on my blog telling her to stop harrassing me or I'd call the police (up to that point I'd been ignoring her, hoping she'd take the hint). That night she called, I repeated my threat to bring the authorities in, and I haven't heard from her since."
Others dealt with the creepiness on the internet. With so many avenues of communication all around us, uncomfortable comments can come from all directions.
"Someone I considered a friend started to grow feelings for me, but when she found out I had a girlfriend and I didn't feel the same for her she found out who my girlfriend was somehow. She then DM'd her and tried to tell her that I was cheating on her with her."
"Luckily I was with her when she got that DM so I could explain the situation and then we blocked her. Next day she DM'd her again from an alt account."
Worst Kind of Pen Pal
"I started a new job, and I shared a small office with a woman my age (and a couple other people). She was kinda cute but also weird and super naïve (she grew up in a very rural area). She'd flirt with me a lot, but I wasn't interested."
"So she started sending me emails."
"They were super long, detailing her whole day. And she sent them to me every day. I never responded. Then one day she sent me this long email confessing her love. I replied with the (very obvious) reasons why it wouldn't work and asked her to stop sending me emails every day. She didn't."
"They kept coming. This went on for months. I asked her in person and online to stop, but I still got these email memoirs every day. Eventually I had another female office mate who was her friend have a talk with her. Finally the emails stopped."
That's A Lot of Passwords
"I've had a girl create about 50 different Snapchat, Facebook, and Instagram accounts all to try to get me to friend her. I've never met this woman in person and yet every few weeks I'll get a handful of friend requests from her"
"Met this girl online and talked to her a bit. I did started to like her."
"Later found out that the pic she showed me of herself was actually a pic of her friend who had passed away due to cancer."
In my early 20's I was at a party and the hosting woman full-on tried to reach down my pants to grab my business."
"Strange, yes, what made it creepy is that we were right in front of her mother, who was cheering her on."
Breaking Out the Scroll
"After 6 months from our breakup, my ex called me because she wanted to see me. It seemed strange to me but I accepted. When we met she was friendly and all..."
"Then at a certain point she pulls a sheet in which there was written a list of all men she fu**ed after our relationship and she read it all to me, with accurate description of every sexual intercourse. Well it was an awkward moment."
"I was going to head home after a night out and a I was getting into my taxi a girl jumped in after me. I asked what they were doing and she said 'I'm coming home with you.' "
"Nope. Taxi driver helped me and she got out the car eventually when I shot down her advances."
Again, it's important to read this thread and remember that this is a bias sample, solely focused on the incidents where a woman did act creepy.
But, yes, it happens out there.