Redditor u/trawaym has quite an issue on her hands. Relationships and love mean doing the best with your partner in mind. One of the most important issues in relationships, in life really is... safe sex. Here's her story... Me (38F) and my new partner (39M) had unprotected sex since the beginning. I want to walk it back and ask him to wear a condom. How do I go about this?
I'm pretty embarrassed about this. I know I'm too old for this kind of behavior but I did it, I've never done that before (sex without condom at the beginning of a relationship).
I had sex with my new partner he does not like to wear condoms he says that he doesn't feel anything and he can't come, he says that he's clean and the last time he had relationships was two years ago.
I really like him but I feel so stupid about it and I don't know how to ask him to use a condom from now on, since we've had unprotected sex since the first time but I'm now freaking out and I wanna talk to him and ask him to wear a condom or ask to get tested and show me the results.
How should approach this?
"I'm not comfortable having sex again unless you get tested or wear a condom. If you'd like, we can go to an adult store and explore the condom options."
The store would be a fun trip, and he might find a condom option that helps with his lack of sensitivity. You should also get tested yourself.
If he refuses, then tell him "no glove, no love."
Get ultra-thin/beyond thin condoms. Unless your partner has problems with premature ejaculation, those are the best option for somebody worried about sensation loss.
Honestly, when you approach him about this, it's a great test to see how adult this guy actually is. This is a very sensible thing to ask. Sexual health should be a no brainer to adults.
The truth hurts...
Yeah just don't have sex with people who come up with all kinds of lies/excuses.
Even if legit I'm not risking my health for someone else because condomless PiV sex is the only sex they can have right? 🙄
I would give the benefit of the doubt. My boyfriend also can't wear condoms without discomfort but was perfectly fine forgoing that kind of sex until we both got tested and I was comfortable.
Disliking condoms is common. How a guy responds to this kind of situation is what's important, I think.
Sorry you don't need to answer this because it regards your boyfriend but why was it uncomfortable. I'm of the belief there's a condom for everyone, it just requires doing research.
There's a website where you can fill in your measurements and it will recommend a condom brand for you. And benefit of doubt, how common an issue can this seriously be?
It was discomfort caused by his girth. We didn't look for much past the cheap brands though. There's probably a good condom for him out there somewhere but it's probably pretty expensive and we didn't think it's worth breaking the bank.
I think it's probably a pretty common problem, not liking condoms. If they make sex less enjoyable, I can see why one might not want to use them or to have protected sex in general.
Of course, that's no reason to pressure someone into unprotected sex. Just a reason why one might want to abstain until testing is done or until they find a partner who is comfortable with unprotected (ahem, risky) sex.
Too many consequences...
I believed my partner when he said he was clean, and I had recently been tested (and my tubes are tied) so we had unprotected sex. Several months later I wound up with genital warts (HPV). He acted shocked and swore up and down he had no idea he had, and may have given it to me I knowingly. As a nurse, I understand something like HPV can be passed on without symptoms, so I choose to believe him, forgive and move on.
Almost two years later while angrily clicking randomly on our laptop (that used to be his) trying to get a file to open for an over due school assignment, an old email program of his opened. While scrolling through trying to figure out what the heck it was, I saw mention of HPV. Turns out his last serious partner had HPV and told him about it. They had several email conversations about it, and he claims to her to have never had it as well. He may have given it to both of us. I love this man, and I'm working on forgiving him, but he not only lied by omission when I asked if he was clean, but he lied when I contacted the HPV.
My rule is, if I ask a potential partner to get tested and they refuse, I'm gonna assume they're hiding something. If you're clean, what's the problem with getting tested?
It's completely fair to ask him to get tested/wear condoms even though you previously had unprotected sex.
Play your hand with swag!
Just throw it on the table. Tell him that this is what you want, and that's that! Besides... Buying a variety pack of condoms are always exciting.. 😊
Explain how much you like him and your relationship but say you'd feel even better if you both got tested/started using condoms in the mean time, that it would put you at ease so you're able to enjoy the sex even more. Frame it as a positive experience for both of you!