There's a huge breach of trust at work here, and one that also involves a little gaslighting. Ladies, if a man ever makes you doubt your trust in yourself....run the other way.
u/mizpinkie13 told Reddit her tale:
Found out my (28F) boyfriend (33M) was still married for most of our relationship
RelationshipsMy divorce was finalized last year. My boyfriend said his divorce was finalized a few months before mine was.
We're having some other issues currently, so I decided to do some digging because things just weren't adding up. Low and behold, on the county clerks website, their divorce final hearing was at the end of May and the judge didn't sign the decree until June.
We've been together for a year. He was married for 10 months of that.
I found out about 6 months ago that she actually lived next door to him, which he also lied about.
Am I overreacting? Is this a big deal or no?
tl;dr Boyfriend was still legally married to his ex during our relationship.
So some Redditors came to the rescue with answers:
One
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My partner and I have been together 2 years next week. He got divorced 11 months ago. I got divorced 2 weeks ago.
We were both absolutely clearly separated from our exes, we both separated from our exes like 8-10 years ago. We don't speak with them, and we live a long way away from them.
Neither of us were bothered that the other was still married because we both felt the same way about divorce - it was just a piece of paper.
The difference here, is that we both told the other that we were still technically married as we hadn't finalized our divorces.
Your boyfriend lied to you.
You need to get to the bottom of that in order to decide if it is a gigantic issue or not.
Maybe he filed, and thought that was close enough to divorce to say it. Maybe he deliberately lied because he knew you wouldn't date him otherwise. Find out why he lied, and you'll have your answer.
Two
Giphy
It wouldn't have been a big deal had he said "my hearing isn't until May. How do you feel about that?" Under the current circumstances, it's a VERY BIG DEAL.
Three
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It would have been nothing for him to be up front and say hey, we're in the middle of a divorce but it won't be final until xx date. There was zero reason he needed to lie about that. Divorce takes time, and plenty of people move on relationship-wise in the meantime.
What IS a big deal is that he felt the need to lie about it. This is not some little, white lie. This is a HUGE lie. It IS a big deal. You can't start a relationship on a lie like that.
Four
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Well, yeah. But at least you now know how he's going to treat you in the future when he meets his next partner. Seriously, this is the red flag you snatch off the pole and run away waving as you leave him in the dust and never look back.
And my *ss he didn't know. It's a f-cking divorce. You definitely know if it's final or not, plus how did he miss the now ex-wife living next door to him?
Nah, he pulled the old bait and switch on you. He's counting on you now being emotionally invested enough in him you'll let it slide and he can continue to lie to you.
Five
Giphy
Your boyfriend is a liar. It's a big deal. You can't trust his word, and without that, you have nothing.
Six
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I'd be really annoyed and would have a hard time trusting him after a lie like that. You know him best though and you know what you will put up with so ultimately the choice is yours. But you're not overreacting in my eyes, your feelings are very valid!
Seven
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The issue is that he lied to you and hid crucial details about his marriage from you. I dated a guy for a year who was legally separated, but not divorced, throughout most of our relationship. He was clear from the get-go that he was still married because they had to be legally separated for a year before being able to file for divorce and he never hid it from me. She had moved out to live with her new boyfriend and he remained in their house with the pets. All his friends confirmed it when they hung out with us by making casual remarks about his soon-to-be-ex-wife. In my case, it was not a big deal because he was honest with me. In your case, yes, it is a big deal and you are not overreacting. If I were you, I would have immense difficulty trusting him moving forward.
Eight
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Divorce lawyers heavily suggest you do not start a relationship until everything is done and settled. This is one of the reasons why.
On the flip side of the coin, many times when the divorce actually happens the person is actually checked out years before hand, and the divorce is just a formal acknowledgement. Following the lawyer's advice essentially condemns you to an interpersonal desert for 1 to 2 years. Imagine two years of not being able to get close to anybody at all. That is why some people ignore the lawyer's advice.
I'm not saying what happened was right or wrong. What I am saying is try to see it from the lawyers point of view. Then try to see it from his point of view and how desperate he might have been for human contact. Especially if the marriage ended in a dead bedroom of several years followed by two years of essentially social isolation. At that point you get desperate just to connect with somebody, anybody. And that would lead you to lie.
Nine
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I left my wife in 2010. Had a gf from 2010 to 2011, then another from 2011-2012. We finalized our divorce in 2014.
For the first few months, it was due to not being 100% sure. We both dated, though our partners knew our situation. After that, it was that neither of us wanted to cough up the hundreds for court fees. We had no disputes. We'd already peacefully divided assets. And we stayed friends.
Hell, after our final hearing my ex and I got lunch. (We stayed friends, but don't know about your bf)
It's.....paperwork.......legalese.....
I dunno why he lied, but unless he was involved with her, I'd say let it slide.
Ten
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This happened to me. Met my husband Aug 2014. His divorce was finalized Dec 2016. For the whole relationship, all 3 of us thought they were divorced. It wasn't until his ex found out that they were still legally married.
We married February 2017.
Ticket scalpers. How do you the audacity to say that's a job?
Actual burglars have more empathy.
Disrespectful
Out Of Office Summer GIF by Merge MansionGiphy"There are debt collectors who call relatives of the deceased to pay off their debts when they are not legally obligated to."
Top_Gun_2021
Shady. Shady.
"Australian Real Estate Agents. Laws don't seem to apply to them. Just as dodgy in sales and rentals alike. Never seen anything like it overseas."
snave_
"I'm in the US, it can vary state by state but my state is pretty strict on realtor laws. Some states require attorney review and there are definitely penalties for being reported for shady sh*t. It does require consumer reporting though."
ilostmytaco
Etransfer
"Where I live, tax info was leaked and now scammers are targeting low income individuals/families (people earning under 30,000 per year) with etransfer scams. I got one the other day that was an etransfer warning that 240$ 'a family member sent me' was about to expire."
SnowyInuk
"That’s disgusting. The scammers know what they’re doing, they know the harm they cause people and yet they don’t care."
surelysandwitch
Should be illegal...
"MLM managers. Not the low level idiots that get suckered into it, they suck too for trying to bring new people into that sh*tshow, but the people who create them know exactly what they are doing and are pretty much the only ones who profit off of it. Should be illegal. Pyramid schemes are illegal. None of them ever get the just desserts except occasionally by vigilantes I assume."
Wereno
I hate debt collectors. Yeah, you calling me one hundred times a week is going to miraculously make money appear.
Animals
Giphy"Paparazzi."
VictorBlimpmuscle
"I met Jack Gleeson (King Joffrey from Game of Thrones) at a bus stop in Dublin. Really nice guy but he said he quit acting due to people being nasty online and constant hounding from paparrazi. He's happier now but it sucks that he was pushed away from a career he was quite good at."
goobi94
Scumbags
"The pastors at mega churches whom ask their followers for money for private jets. Absolute scum to abuse others faith for your own greed."
ichancho
"Brian Tamaki is a greedy freaking pig, he takes advantage of so many people who are already struggling. Every time he’s in the local news (which btw is often) I get more and more pissed off at him and his wife. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brian_Tamaki "
surelysandwitch
it’s a thing???
“'Dating Expert.' Sadly it’s a thing. It’s basically a self appointed title that requires no training or qualifications. What’s worse, is that I have a female friend who uses one. It’s very much a blind leading the blind situation."
Mean_Manufacturer_61
"Most of the self proclaimed “dating coaches” I know are women in their late 30s or early 40s who have never been married or had a longer relationship."
ipozgaj
EVIL
"Poachers. Especially big game poachers who purposefully hunt nearly extinct animals from species they know they are on the brink."
"I know there are poachers that come from rural villages who are trying to just put food on the table, which has my sympathy but poachers who come from money and hunt down animals minding their business in most shelters or restricted areas just to put a head on their wall as a trophy are absolutely heinous."
GetterdoneObiwan
I See It All
miss cleo fraud GIFGiphy"Psychic Mediums. Specifically those who prey on the grieving."
JamesDeadite
"I've always found it interesting how many magicians go after people like this. I think it's because they know what it takes to trick people for the art. The slight of hand and mentalism. And they abhor people who use these tactics for such sh*tty purposes."
34HoldOn
I want so bad to believe in psychics and mediums. What say we on that topic?
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For some odd reason I love the things burning. Anything, food, pots, pans. You name it. Weird.
Blow
fire burning GIFGiphy"Matches/candles on a birthday cake. I remember lighting matches as a kid purely to blow them out and inhale that sweet match-y smell."
semispooked
"guilty good"
"I work at a Chemical plant. We make a highly acidic product that is dark blue, viscus, highly corrosive, and smells exactly like Fruit Loops. It is incredibly disturbing."
Turin082
"Organic chemistry has many 'guilty good' smells. Thiophosgene (sulfur derivative of a chemical weapon used extensively in WW1) apparently smells like meat. Phosgene is used to make polycarbonate, thiophosgene is used to make some sulfur-containing molecules which eventually end up in therapeutic drugs."
HammerTh_1701
I can't huff it...
"Paint, specifically house paint. I love the smell. But anytime I hear that anyone is painting a room or their house, I volunteer. I just love sitting on the floor in a room that's been freshly painted, closing my eyes and just inhaling that slightly chemically, slightly creamy aroma."
Neowza
A Hint of French...
"A fish and chips shop burnt down as couple blocks from work a few years ago. The whole neighborhood smelled amazing for days. Just the slight hint of French fries. Nothing overpowering. It was so awesome. Until I found out someone was trapped in the fire and died."
stevey_frac
Drag
Drag Racing Vegas GIF by Don Schumacher RacingGiphy"Race fuel. Instantly puts me in a good mood as it reminds me of going to the drag races with my dad when I was young."
garfnodie
Fuel and matches get me too. And they sort of go together. Interesting.
Just like the Movie...
Johnny Depp Drinking GIFGiphy"The water from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Mmm, bromine."
Stalkerslovemy
"This is one of my favorite scents of all time, and Disney is very aware that people enjoy it. Evidently it’s a lot harder to recreate than just adding bromine to water."
cash4panties
"black widow".
"There's a chicken wing restaurant near my house that has a challenge sauce called "black widow." The owner claims it to be around 500,000 scovilles. A few years back some buddies and I decided to try them, the sauce was a dark molasses color and smelled almost like a BBQ sauce, no hint of the danger that lurked at all. We each grabbed one wing and it went terribly. I don't know how something so spicy could smell so innocent."
Final-Chapter
Endless Weekend
"Hotel/rented rooms whenever you go on vacation. There's this particular smell that just says 'you are on vacation,' especially on a beach/swimming trips/out-of-the-town vacays."
Yummy_Llama
"Bath and Body Works has a plug-in scent called Endless Weekend that replicates that scent (to my humble nose)."
Exxcentrica
"oh no..."
"Someone you are attracted to's body odors. Anyone else who is slightly unhygienic smells repulsive."
Mini_gunslinger
"I remember back in high school a girl leaned over, sniffed me, told me that I smelled really good, and asked me what cologne I was wearing. I asked if she was joking, and she's like, no, you smell really good. When I told her I had just gotten done with gym class, she gets a small 'oh no...' look on her face and turns away. I think we both had a revelation that day."
user deleted
That Smell
Smell It Season 6 GIF by This Is UsGiphy"The smell inflatable things give off. I have no idea how to describe it, but it’s… nostalgic? to me."
crestfxllen
I do love the smell of plastics and inflatables. Ahh....
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It's hard to imagine how to go on without the lost object–whatever it may be–but over time, it becomes a distant memory and we move on.
That is until we magically find ourselves presented with this opportunity proposed by Redditor mikehotel288, who asked:
"You find yourself in a room with everything you’ve ever lost in your life. What do you look for first?"
There are necessities people cannot do without.
No More Dry Lips Ever Again
"Gonna be a lot of chapstick in that room."
– camefromxbox
There are things that bring us comfort and are irreplaceable.
Safety Blanket
"My baby blanket. It became tattered over the years—to the point where I couldn’t reasonably wash it anymore—so I had to throw it away a little while back."
"I have heavily regretted that decision. I was really attached to it (hence it being in tatters), but I really wish that I kept what was left of it instead of throwing it away. Just knowing that I’d still have it would be a huge comfort to me."
– Uearie
Sentimental Heirloom
"The pendant my dad had made for me with my grandmother’s engagement diamond. It was 2 carats. It disappeared from a Las Vegas hotel room 20 years ago. It was hidden deep in a suitcase where it would not have been easy to find. It was just GONE. Cops didn’t do anything. Didn’t even come to take my statement. Cleaning lady said she thought she saw an elderly man enter my room. The guy I was with was not sympathetic in the least. Entire situation was f**ked. I’m still so upset about it."
– MaritimeDisaster
Lone Shark
"My plastic shark toy I lost when I was 10. Ain't no f'king way it just VANISHED."
– Guilty_As_Charged__
Not everything lost is tangible.
Tick Tock
"The time I wasted."
– shinyfennec
It Holds Value
"My private key with 6 BTC in it."
– Significant_Mirror19
"I didn't lose one, but I'll check my room for yours just in case."
– Smodphan
Finding Purpose
"The reason I walked into the room."
– Lloyd_lyle
Lost Opportunity
"That one girl i spoke to on omegle lol"
– h-amishh
If only we get to reunite with those we've lost.
The Loved Family Member
"My grandpa."
– Splatty_boi_420
Grieving Parent
"My daughter. She’ll be in my brother’s arms. So I’ll find both things I care to look for."
– SeeTheFence
Missing Mom
"My mom. She died of cancer in 2017. She never got to meet my daughter. I miss the hell out of her and wish she was still part of my family’s life."
– X-Arkturis-X
The Animals That Come Into Our Lives
"My pets that have passed: especially my horse, Blue. It's been 4 years, but it feels like just yesterday."
– Baciandrio
While many of these scenarios are unlikely, the thread gave people an opportunity to reflect on the things that made a strong impression on their lives.
Sometimes, the memories of the things we've lost–whether they are random objects or sources of love–is all we have.
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