There's a huge breach of trust at work here, and one that also involves a little gaslighting. Ladies, if a man ever makes you doubt your trust in yourself....run the other way.
u/mizpinkie13 told Reddit her tale:
Found out my (28F) boyfriend (33M) was still married for most of our relationship
RelationshipsMy divorce was finalized last year. My boyfriend said his divorce was finalized a few months before mine was.
We're having some other issues currently, so I decided to do some digging because things just weren't adding up. Low and behold, on the county clerks website, their divorce final hearing was at the end of May and the judge didn't sign the decree until June.
We've been together for a year. He was married for 10 months of that.
I found out about 6 months ago that she actually lived next door to him, which he also lied about.
Am I overreacting? Is this a big deal or no?
tl;dr Boyfriend was still legally married to his ex during our relationship.
So some Redditors came to the rescue with answers:
One
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My partner and I have been together 2 years next week. He got divorced 11 months ago. I got divorced 2 weeks ago.
We were both absolutely clearly separated from our exes, we both separated from our exes like 8-10 years ago. We don't speak with them, and we live a long way away from them.
Neither of us were bothered that the other was still married because we both felt the same way about divorce - it was just a piece of paper.
The difference here, is that we both told the other that we were still technically married as we hadn't finalized our divorces.
Your boyfriend lied to you.
You need to get to the bottom of that in order to decide if it is a gigantic issue or not.
Maybe he filed, and thought that was close enough to divorce to say it. Maybe he deliberately lied because he knew you wouldn't date him otherwise. Find out why he lied, and you'll have your answer.
Two
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It wouldn't have been a big deal had he said "my hearing isn't until May. How do you feel about that?" Under the current circumstances, it's a VERY BIG DEAL.
Three
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It would have been nothing for him to be up front and say hey, we're in the middle of a divorce but it won't be final until xx date. There was zero reason he needed to lie about that. Divorce takes time, and plenty of people move on relationship-wise in the meantime.
What IS a big deal is that he felt the need to lie about it. This is not some little, white lie. This is a HUGE lie. It IS a big deal. You can't start a relationship on a lie like that.
Four
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Well, yeah. But at least you now know how he's going to treat you in the future when he meets his next partner. Seriously, this is the red flag you snatch off the pole and run away waving as you leave him in the dust and never look back.
And my *ss he didn't know. It's a f-cking divorce. You definitely know if it's final or not, plus how did he miss the now ex-wife living next door to him?
Nah, he pulled the old bait and switch on you. He's counting on you now being emotionally invested enough in him you'll let it slide and he can continue to lie to you.
Five
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Your boyfriend is a liar. It's a big deal. You can't trust his word, and without that, you have nothing.
Six
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I'd be really annoyed and would have a hard time trusting him after a lie like that. You know him best though and you know what you will put up with so ultimately the choice is yours. But you're not overreacting in my eyes, your feelings are very valid!
Seven
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The issue is that he lied to you and hid crucial details about his marriage from you. I dated a guy for a year who was legally separated, but not divorced, throughout most of our relationship. He was clear from the get-go that he was still married because they had to be legally separated for a year before being able to file for divorce and he never hid it from me. She had moved out to live with her new boyfriend and he remained in their house with the pets. All his friends confirmed it when they hung out with us by making casual remarks about his soon-to-be-ex-wife. In my case, it was not a big deal because he was honest with me. In your case, yes, it is a big deal and you are not overreacting. If I were you, I would have immense difficulty trusting him moving forward.
Eight
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Divorce lawyers heavily suggest you do not start a relationship until everything is done and settled. This is one of the reasons why.
On the flip side of the coin, many times when the divorce actually happens the person is actually checked out years before hand, and the divorce is just a formal acknowledgement. Following the lawyer's advice essentially condemns you to an interpersonal desert for 1 to 2 years. Imagine two years of not being able to get close to anybody at all. That is why some people ignore the lawyer's advice.
I'm not saying what happened was right or wrong. What I am saying is try to see it from the lawyers point of view. Then try to see it from his point of view and how desperate he might have been for human contact. Especially if the marriage ended in a dead bedroom of several years followed by two years of essentially social isolation. At that point you get desperate just to connect with somebody, anybody. And that would lead you to lie.
Nine
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I left my wife in 2010. Had a gf from 2010 to 2011, then another from 2011-2012. We finalized our divorce in 2014.
For the first few months, it was due to not being 100% sure. We both dated, though our partners knew our situation. After that, it was that neither of us wanted to cough up the hundreds for court fees. We had no disputes. We'd already peacefully divided assets. And we stayed friends.
Hell, after our final hearing my ex and I got lunch. (We stayed friends, but don't know about your bf)
It's.....paperwork.......legalese.....
I dunno why he lied, but unless he was involved with her, I'd say let it slide.
Ten
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This happened to me. Met my husband Aug 2014. His divorce was finalized Dec 2016. For the whole relationship, all 3 of us thought they were divorced. It wasn't until his ex found out that they were still legally married.
We married February 2017.
