There's a huge breach of trust at work here, and one that also involves a little gaslighting. Ladies, if a man ever makes you doubt your trust in yourself....run the other way.
u/mizpinkie13 told Reddit her tale:
Found out my (28F) boyfriend (33M) was still married for most of our relationship
RelationshipsMy divorce was finalized last year. My boyfriend said his divorce was finalized a few months before mine was.
We're having some other issues currently, so I decided to do some digging because things just weren't adding up. Low and behold, on the county clerks website, their divorce final hearing was at the end of May and the judge didn't sign the decree until June.
We've been together for a year. He was married for 10 months of that.
I found out about 6 months ago that she actually lived next door to him, which he also lied about.
Am I overreacting? Is this a big deal or no?
tl;dr Boyfriend was still legally married to his ex during our relationship.
So some Redditors came to the rescue with answers:
One
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My partner and I have been together 2 years next week. He got divorced 11 months ago. I got divorced 2 weeks ago.
We were both absolutely clearly separated from our exes, we both separated from our exes like 8-10 years ago. We don't speak with them, and we live a long way away from them.
Neither of us were bothered that the other was still married because we both felt the same way about divorce - it was just a piece of paper.
The difference here, is that we both told the other that we were still technically married as we hadn't finalized our divorces.
Your boyfriend lied to you.
You need to get to the bottom of that in order to decide if it is a gigantic issue or not.
Maybe he filed, and thought that was close enough to divorce to say it. Maybe he deliberately lied because he knew you wouldn't date him otherwise. Find out why he lied, and you'll have your answer.
Two
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It wouldn't have been a big deal had he said "my hearing isn't until May. How do you feel about that?" Under the current circumstances, it's a VERY BIG DEAL.
Three
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It would have been nothing for him to be up front and say hey, we're in the middle of a divorce but it won't be final until xx date. There was zero reason he needed to lie about that. Divorce takes time, and plenty of people move on relationship-wise in the meantime.
What IS a big deal is that he felt the need to lie about it. This is not some little, white lie. This is a HUGE lie. It IS a big deal. You can't start a relationship on a lie like that.
Four
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Well, yeah. But at least you now know how he's going to treat you in the future when he meets his next partner. Seriously, this is the red flag you snatch off the pole and run away waving as you leave him in the dust and never look back.
And my *ss he didn't know. It's a f-cking divorce. You definitely know if it's final or not, plus how did he miss the now ex-wife living next door to him?
Nah, he pulled the old bait and switch on you. He's counting on you now being emotionally invested enough in him you'll let it slide and he can continue to lie to you.
Five
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Your boyfriend is a liar. It's a big deal. You can't trust his word, and without that, you have nothing.
Six
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I'd be really annoyed and would have a hard time trusting him after a lie like that. You know him best though and you know what you will put up with so ultimately the choice is yours. But you're not overreacting in my eyes, your feelings are very valid!
Seven
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The issue is that he lied to you and hid crucial details about his marriage from you. I dated a guy for a year who was legally separated, but not divorced, throughout most of our relationship. He was clear from the get-go that he was still married because they had to be legally separated for a year before being able to file for divorce and he never hid it from me. She had moved out to live with her new boyfriend and he remained in their house with the pets. All his friends confirmed it when they hung out with us by making casual remarks about his soon-to-be-ex-wife. In my case, it was not a big deal because he was honest with me. In your case, yes, it is a big deal and you are not overreacting. If I were you, I would have immense difficulty trusting him moving forward.
Eight
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Divorce lawyers heavily suggest you do not start a relationship until everything is done and settled. This is one of the reasons why.
On the flip side of the coin, many times when the divorce actually happens the person is actually checked out years before hand, and the divorce is just a formal acknowledgement. Following the lawyer's advice essentially condemns you to an interpersonal desert for 1 to 2 years. Imagine two years of not being able to get close to anybody at all. That is why some people ignore the lawyer's advice.
I'm not saying what happened was right or wrong. What I am saying is try to see it from the lawyers point of view. Then try to see it from his point of view and how desperate he might have been for human contact. Especially if the marriage ended in a dead bedroom of several years followed by two years of essentially social isolation. At that point you get desperate just to connect with somebody, anybody. And that would lead you to lie.
Nine
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I left my wife in 2010. Had a gf from 2010 to 2011, then another from 2011-2012. We finalized our divorce in 2014.
For the first few months, it was due to not being 100% sure. We both dated, though our partners knew our situation. After that, it was that neither of us wanted to cough up the hundreds for court fees. We had no disputes. We'd already peacefully divided assets. And we stayed friends.
Hell, after our final hearing my ex and I got lunch. (We stayed friends, but don't know about your bf)
It's.....paperwork.......legalese.....
I dunno why he lied, but unless he was involved with her, I'd say let it slide.
Ten
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This happened to me. Met my husband Aug 2014. His divorce was finalized Dec 2016. For the whole relationship, all 3 of us thought they were divorced. It wasn't until his ex found out that they were still legally married.
We married February 2017.
Love is crazy. I've finally come to that conclusion. And marriage, you take your life in your hands and just throw caution to the wind in hopes of survival with that step.
When love falls apart, things can get real messy, real fast. And I've always been stunned by people's behavior when love subsides.
More often than not, it's like they become different people. Sometimes people are beset by tragedy and grief and sometimes people smile wide and move on. It's a coin toss.
But my favorite post divorce personality has to be the sudden super villain. Oh honey watch out for them!
Redditor u/hyperyog wanted to hear all the tea from the divorcees out there by asking:
Divorced Redditors, what is the craziest thing you or your former spouse did after divorce?
I once had a friend who burned her ex's house down when he wasn't home. He had started seeing someone almost immediately, so she thought, lemme set their sparks. Yeah, she wasn't well. Whatever happened to just a quick goodbye?
Swiped
dean winters crying GIF by MayhemGiphy"She removed the retaining clips for my windshield wipers, but put the wipers back on the arms. First storm after I got my car back from her, driver side wiper flew off the car on Interstate 40. Good times."
Sicko!
"He wrote suicide notes and put them in my kids backpacks for them/me to find. Then he turned off his phone and went to a coworkers house to play crib and have drinks.. all the while knowing I would be freaking out searching for him thinking he was in danger or worse. Thankfully my kids didn't see the notes and didn't know what was going on. This was just one of the many, many crazy things he did. Two years out and he just recently stopped showing up at my work and driving by my house at night."
A Sad End
"Died of a drug overdose. To be fair, her drug addiction was the reason for the divorce, so maybe that isn't too crazy."
"That's so incredibly difficult to have gone through. I unfortunately know the depths of this kind of pain, and while I'm sure the circumstances surrounding it are different, the loss that still happened is a tragedy. My condolences."
Bye Girl
"Stalked me for 5 years. Would make fake social media profiles to try to follow me (which I would block endlessly) and would try to find where I worked so she could talk to me. This lady cheated on me with 7 different men 2 months after we were married. I kicked her a** to the curb and made her sign the court papers."
"When we had our day in court she cried in the judges office while I just wanted to get this crap done. After, my dad was with me and he threw 50 dollars at her and told her to "change your freaking last name." Good guy Pops. I haven't seen or heard from her in about 5 years, thank goodness."
- Letharos
Take it All!
skin care spinning GIF by Primal Life OrganicsGiphy"I had an ex-boyfriend go through my apartment and take back every gift he had given me that he could find. Then he went in my bedside table and took the condoms. And the vibrator he had given me."
See now, when I'm out... I'm out! I don't want to see you, hear from you or know you. I wish you well in life, but please live it far from me. Anyone agree? Clearly not the people here. Let's continue...
For the Boy
bicycling father and son GIF by NETFLIXGiphy"All I wanted was custody of my son, I gave her everything else except one of our cars. She fought me through 5 hearings, I won. She never came to see him again."
Dangerous Woman
"My ex cheated on me the week my mom died in the hospital. She spent a year and a half trying to get in touch with me. She would call my old work and make fake accounts trying to message me on FB. It was insane. She later sends a certified letter explaining she was sorry that she did what she did and that she aborted our child."
"Wanted me to meet her somewhere so she could apologize face to face. She already married some other guy that she had children with and was still trying to get in touch with me. I never understood her."
- orstius
Be Gone
"After years of telling me she wanted a child, that she wanted to be a mom, that her life's dream was to be a stay at home mom, she got pregnant with the first guy she slept with while we were getting divorced and put the kid up for adoption even before it was born. This was a long-standing thing with her, she always wanted something (car, house, dog, cat, marriage, etc) and the second she got it she immediately hated it."
The "Actor"!
"Called me and pretended he had been hit by a car while we were talking. He even tried to voice the crowd that had gathered around his "body." God-awful acting, but pretty funny listening to him try to mimic a woman's voice. Points for trying to be inclusive, I guess."
"I think he was trying to get me to re-live my trauma of being on the phone with a friend who actually HAD been hit by a car while we were talking. Too bad he didn't realize that hearing the real thing is worlds different than hearing a dumba** try to act it out."
Money Blues
"I was sending 600 dollars a month to support my daughter because she's the only thing I give a sh!t about. My ex texts me and tells me I need to be sending 1200 a month because she's broke and can't pay her bills and I should feel guilty about it. She left me for another guy while I was on deployment I told her to go screw herself--call my lawyer."
Pop Off
Tom Hanks Drinking GIF by The Good FilmsGiphy"Took the sodas from the fridge as he walked out the door. Dumfounded."
See, I blame Alanis Morissette and her "Jagged Little Pill" album. All I'm going to say is... the secret song. I think she gave people ideas. (I love that song) Y'all, seek therapy if you can't shake people. When it's done, let it be done.
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