When a relationship isn't the relationship you should be in, what are the warning signs that pile up? Well, most of the time, they're small things that maybe you don't notice until they've gotten huge. And then maybe, sometimes, they're as huge and awful as being sick and your partner literally refusing to help you.
u/GlitterSchnitzel laid it out for us:
I (30f) have pneumonia and my fiance (28m) is refusing to help.
We've been together for four years.
I'd like to start off by saying that this is embarrassing. It's embarrassing that I can't feed myself. The most I can do is stumble to the bathroom. I feel so useless. My kids are helping me with bare necessities, like water or crackers. But that's about as much as they can do, as they're little.
Yesterday I had to pick up my kids, drive to the doctor, and pick up my prescriptions. By the time I got back I was shaking and almost didn't make it up the stairs. I had asked my fiance to at least pick up my kids. He responded "I'm not picking up your kids!"
I asked him to pick me something up from the store again, and I was met with the same response.
Maybe I'm being emotional. I don't know. I've never been this sick in my life. It's actually quite terrifying not being able to breathe. I just wish he would be a little more understanding, instead he just sighs, scoffs, and cusses at me. And on top of everything, I'm getting kind of scared that I'm going to waste away into nothing because I don't have the energy to get out of bed for more than a minute.
TLDR - Fiance is refusing to help me with even basic care when I'm sick with pneumonia. I don't know what to do. Or even if I have a right to be upset.
Here is what Reddit had to say...and boy, it ain't pretty.
Call up parents/girlfriends and pawn your kids off for two days to recover. Ask them to pick up a couple of quarts of chicken noodle or wonton soup at the local Chinese place (if you add some hot mustard it will help with the congestion). Do nothing but rest for the next two days. When you are recovered, end this useless relationship. Frankly, I wouldn't even talk to him anymore. Get a help chain going that doesn't include him and then get rid of his selfish *ss.
Why would you marry someone who calls your children "your f*cking kids"?
As someone who was raised with (multiple) step-parents this is a horrible environment to have them in! He doesn't have to see them as his kids, but they are now his responsibility if he's joining your family. And if he says that kind of crap then he believes it. And that attitude will show. The most I've ever been hurt by a parent was when my then step dad stoped referring to me as his daughter and as my moms kid. He wouldn't do anything for me or include me to spite my mom. And that made both of our lives a million times difficult and ruined my self esteem. Don't put your kids in that type of position.
It's appalling you are having to drive around with pneumonia because this guy is so lazy he'd rather you risk your life than help you out for a few minutes.
I had pneumonia early in my teaching career. I woke up early on a Friday morning and couldn't walk 10 feet to the kitchen for water. I literally crawled. I called into my VP and told her I was extremely ill and was going to the doctor as soon as I was able. She was a bit huffy about it as it was a Friday before a three-day weekend, and she thought I was just trying to get an extra day off.
I went in to the clinic that night when I could drive (which I probably shouldn't have done), but after a chest xray and some other tests, it was pneumonia.
The next week, my VP ask how I was feeling, and when I told her I was feeling much better from my PNEUMONIA, she backed off very quickly and was very sympathetic.
It's no joke, and the fact that this guy is acting the way he is pretty well tells you how the rest of your life with him would be like.
I had pneumonia once and I went to work for one day after a week of rest and them had to be out for two more weeks. I am amazed you can run errands.
He is a huge *sshole. What is wrong with him? Do you have a friend you can ask for help picking up the kids? Just straight up be like "my fiance is useless and I need help" now is not the time to mince words. Also, you clearly cannot count on him to be a co-parent or a good partner in times of struggle.
My back went out and I couldn't move. My bf of 2 years cared for me and my 3 kids as well as his own kid. He took me to er and went to the pharmacy and got my meds, set them up for me at my bedside with a water bottle, he called out for pizza and fed the kids, did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. That's what a good man does. Drop your fiancé and have some self respect.
Of course you have the right to be upset. You shouldn't even be leaving the house, let alone be running errands and getting scoffed at.
How does he usually act when you're sick or need him to do something? Is it possible that he's scared of the fact that you're quite sick and is trying to push that away? I think you need to have a serious conversation about why he's treating you like this at a time when you need him the most.
My wife had Pneumonia last year, nearly took her life. She was in intensive care for 2 weeks on life support, then another week learning to breathe and eat again in the hospital.
I stayed with her every day and every night and gave her water with a swab on a stick and helped her with physical therapy for a month after. We nearly lost everything because of bills and lost time from working.
And I would do it over in a heartbeat. When you love someone, their health is your health. Their comfort is your comfort. You want to give them the best life possible, even when they're miserable, you will do what you can to make sure they know you will be there for them.
This person you're describing needs to be kicked out of your damn life. I can't believe you would question if you have a right to be upset, you should be livid. Call your family or friends to help get you better. Don't be ashamed for someone else's failings as a basic, decent human being.
This is not even close to being acceptable behavior, and I'm really sad for you that you somehow think it's a problem with you that you're upset. Apart from being astonishingly callous toward you, it's completely unrealistic to expect to marry someone with small kids and have nothing to do with caring for them.
In the short run, is there anyone else who you can call? A friend, coworker, someone who can bring you a big vat of chicken soup? Failing that, delivery is your friend, if you can get out of bed long enough to answer the door.
In the long run, I think you need to have a serious think about the future. A marriage is supposed to be for decades, decades in which you WILL have some other kind of personal emergency that requires support. When you get married, you are literally promising to provide that kind of support. Plus, do you really want to marry someone who thinks so little of your kids that he won't even get them at school? This guy is showing you that he won't even do the bare minimum of caring for you.
My boyfriend is taking off work this week to take me to a doctor's appointment because I think I MIGHT be sick and he can see how worried and anxious I am about it, and I don't even have a diagnosis! Your fiancé is a sh*t partner to you (and it sounds like a sh*t potential stepfather as well) and you deserve someone who takes you seriously! I hope you have friends you can lean on in this trying time! If I were you, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. It's not irrational at all. This behavior is unacceptable
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Pneumonia is a pretty serious illness and your fiance, someone who would be your partner in everything, can't be bothered to look after you (red flag 1), look after your kids (red flag 2), doesn't drive you to the doctor (red flag 3), doesn't make sure you have a week of food in the house in your condition (red flag 4)
And on top of that he gives you a bad response back.
So yeah get better first, then break the engagement. This is not someone that is with you for better or worse.
Can you reach out to anyone in your area to help you for a few days? Take your illness seriously. Even a neighbour might be willing to help you out given your circumstances.
Is "in sickness and in health" going to be in your wedding vows? Why would you want to marry someone who refuses to help you when you need it the most?
Even my flatmates and I take better care of each other for much less than serious illnesses than this.
Hot lemon drinks, chicken noodle soup and a comfy blanket in front of the tv is what you need. The subs rules prevent me from saying what your ex needs.
I know, right? I’ve picked up medication for a roommate I didn’t even get along with that well. It’s so weirdly heartless to not help someone who is sick.
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So I assume he acts like this and refuses to help when you are not sick too? It's just that you can physically do things yourself so it's ok?
This is not acceptable behavior. A fiancée is supposed to be a partner and contribute. Especially when a partner is unwell. Why do you want to marry this guy?
Get better first, with whatever support system you have. Then please contemplate why you're considering giving your kids a step-parent who thinks of them as "your f*cking kids". You sound like a loving parent, and I'm sure you'd be furious at anyone else referring to them like that because they deserve better.
Im so very sorry that you have lost your sense of self.
You need to kick your horrid fiance to the curb and get into therapy.
Please dont continue to subject yourself or your children to such a nasty person.
Call a friend or family member, tell them everything and escape this relationship. If you dont have someone to call call a womens shelter.
I notice that you plan to dump him.
He may be full of sweet words and promises when you do it to win you back. Do not believe them. Do not listen to his lies.
I wouldn’t speak to my worst enemy the way your fiancé speaks to you.
Dude, my husband took care of me and my DD after I had her even though he had a back injury. Refusing to help you is not the kind of thing someone who loves you does. Find help with the kids and tell him to never speak to you again. What a jerk.
You have EVERY RIGHT to be upset by this. This is actually bullsh*t if you ask me.
I hate it when I come to reddit for advice and am met with negativity and people assuming things about my relationship because they heard my side alone and think my relationship is doomed. So I'm not going to say anything like that to you.
However I will say this, "are you f*cking kidding me?" This man has proposed marriage to you. One of the biggest commitments a person can make to another person. It's a proclamation of love that's meant to last a lifetime. I'm struggling to understand how a man who claims to love you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you can be so completely cold and selfish.
You'll be sick many more times throughout your marriage. You'll also have a multitude of other emotional and physical distresses. It alarms me quite a bit that he doesn't seem to care enough about your well being to help you with even the smallest needs.
The comment about your children is equally alarming. Does he realize that your children will become like his own upon marriage? Does he think they will still be "your kids" after your nuptials.
I really think it's important that you address these concerns with him. Are you prepared to deal with his attitude every time you aren't feeling well? I'm so sorry you're not feeling well and now you have to deal with this emotional stuff too.
He's being incredibly unfair to you but he'll never know you think so if you don't say something as soon as possible. This could set the tone of his future behavior in every situation in which you need help. Set the record straight now before you're in too deep.
Best of luck!
I had pneumonia at my college's geological field camp. It lasted a month, and in the time that I was unable to care for myself - random classmates that I didn't know very well helped me do basic tasks, brought me food, helped me into the shower. Random people who haven't said they wanted to be in my life forever we kinder to me than your fiance has been to you. I don't think I would be able to stay with a man like this after this. I really, really, really hope you have a friend or family member in your life who can step up for a few days or weeks, and I really, really hope you have a good take away place for soup! I hope you feel better, ASAP!
She posted an update:
"Edit: Thank you everyone for your comments. I just want to let you know that I am not going to marry this man! I do, however, have to get a bit healthier before I kick his *ss to the curb."