Woman Wishes Her Depressed BF Cared As Much About His Life And Appearance As He Did Pokémon Go
Love is hard. It's even harder when life stacks the deck against you. One woman was so frustrated by her situation that she turned to Reddit for help. Her back story involves a partner with depression and questionable hygiene, an extended period of separation because of work, Pokemon Go and some dead mice in the kitchen. Yeah, it kinda took a turn for the unexpected there at the end.
The 31 year-old woman posted that she was concerned for her 34 year-old boyfriend. He had always struggled with insecurities and depression, but things really fell apart when she had to move away for six months for work. They kept in constant communication and saw each other once a month, but as time went on things started to get worse. He stopped showering, his hair was so filthy that it had actual chunks falling out of it. His visits devolved into her forcing him to take care of himself. When she was able to move back into their home, it was a wreck. He let things get so bad that she found several dead mice in the kitchen and it took her an entire month to clean and restore their home.
That's not to say that he didn't do anything while she was gone. He poured himself heart and soul into Pokemon Go. His obsession got him in trouble at work because he was playing and coordinating raids when he should have been working. He stopped coming to bed so he could play. It got to the point where a simple trip to the grocery store involved several stops or detours so he could play. He started skipping work to play. When they had days off together he would plan Pokemon raids rather than spend time with her or help with chores. Long story short, Pokemon Go became his entire world and she was understandably worried.
Here's her original post
My SO is currently dealing with some depression issues, but his Pokemon Go choices are starting to make me wonder how much of his life is in turmoil because of depression and how much is because he just doesn't care.
I've known my SO for 8 years, dating for 3.5 (knew each other through previous relationships, same friend group). Before we dated, I always thought he was a cool guy who was good at everything. And it's true, he IS handsome and has great style and he IS smart and good at many things. But the person we all thought he was is actually a front for an insecure, scared human being. He projects being "good" at things because he was raised that way—son of immigrant parents who are VERY hard on him personally and culturally—and he feels like he needs to be the best, all the time.
I noticed early on that he gets overwhelmed easily. He pretends to know things then researches the crap out of them to get by doing whatever he's doing. He survives purely on intuition and fake confidence, but he crumbles in secret. He gets sick ALL the time from lack of sleep and stress. He started therapy at my request to help him learn coping mechanisms and because I suspected he was struggling with depression.
Anyway, things fell apart this summer for him when I left for a 6-month academic stint back east (2,000 miles apart). We saw each other once a month and it was good each time, but the last time he visited, his hair was so dirty from not showering that it had actual chunks of dry shampoo falling out of it...I made him shower as soon as he got to my apartment. I came home from my 6-month program and our home was in shambles. I smelled something dead and there were THREE dead mice in the kitchen! It was disgusting. Everything was dirty. I spent the entire month of November cleaning, reorganizing the house, and generally trying to pull him back together. He made an appointment this week to get medication for his depression at the recommendation of his therapist.
Now, this all sounds like standard depression stuff, right? Okay, but imagine in the background of all of this, he somehow reached level 40 in Pokemon Go and spends ALL his time playing it. I mean, he gets the bare minimum done to survive in life and work his good full-time job, but he got in trouble at his job for having Pokemon on his iPad and being distracted by it. When he's not doing Pokemon, he's on discord trying to get people together to do raids and shit. While I'm sleeping, he puts together Pokemon 'teams' to raid and stuff, trying to get the best combos. We can't go to the grocery store without him making me stop for at least 2 gyms or raid battles. I have an account, which I made in June as a way of staying connected while I was away at school, and he obsesses over leveling up my character (which I got to level 30 by myself, by the way, it's not like I need help). On the weekends, we don't plan things, he just looks for raids and does them instead of doing chores or running errands.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy Pokemon Go. I think community days are fun and I like walking around, but this is like, next-level shit. Why is he so able to succeed in the Pokemon game but real life is a HUGE struggle for him? He calls out of work at least 4 times a month because he's "sick," the house is disgusting if I'm not here, and he gained 10 lbs from only eating take out while I was away and not working out because "he's sick"... but he can literally spend the entire day playing Pokemon? I do not understand. If he put 10% of the effort into his life that he puts into that game, his shit would be together! He's planning on going back to school next year for a career change and I'm truly worried that he's going to sit on campus playing Pokemon instead of doing the schoolwork, then he'll get stressed out about his procrastination and then he'll break down. It's a cycle and I don't know what to do to help him.
At this point, we've talked about his Pokemon obsession but he's extremely fragile right now and everything I say feels like criticism. I'm trying hard to be gentle with him since I essentially flipped out over the dirty house full of dead mice and made him feel horrible about himself. I just wish life was like Pokemon and he would spend time doing tasks and getting rewarded the same as the game.
Yeah ... that's a lot to take in. Reddit kind of collectively took a deep breath and reached out to help, though. Here are some of the more popular responses.
Gamify Real Life
PoGo is, at this point, a realm in which he doesn't have to pretend. He doesn't feel he has to fake anything, because he is good at it and the game doesn't really require any skill. Anyone who just keeps grinding can get to level 40.
I just wish life was like Pokemon and he would spend time doing tasks and getting rewarded the same as the game.
I mean, if you both think that could help there's no reason why you can't set up some kind of reward system. He might also like HabitRPG or any of the other apps that gamify getting your adult sh*t done.
Luckily...
What he is doing is super super common with depression. He is obsessing over something outside of his "miserable life" reality and that he is good at. Luckily he isn't gambling or overspending, etc. This is something he should talk to his therapist about because it is interfering with his ability to perform in real life.
Hideaway
Oh. This is easy. Pokemon Go is his hideaway. It's his safe place to feel like a success. He knows it all, the variables in it are limited, he can figure it all out.
The whole world overwhelms him, so he lives in Pokemon Go. It gives him a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
You need to talk to him.
Reading through the comments and responses we learn a few new things. Evidently boyfriend had made an attempt on his own life several years ago, just after high school. He was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and prescribed medication. His mother refused to believe the diagnosis, particularly because she considered it shameful in her culture. Mom convinced him that the doctor was just trying to sell him pills so he could make a profit. He spent his twenties getting no mental health treatment.
The original poster took some time to consider people's advice and put some stuff into practice. After about two weeks, we got an update.
After posting here, I took some of the comments about depression and talked to my SO about how he feels and what I can do to be a better support system for him. He's still continuing therapy and his medication is slightly helping (although it'll take a few more weeks to really kick in) but he registered for his prereq classes without me saying anything or reminding him and he has been trying to help with cleaning when he can. So there has been some overall improvement.
We also talked about Pokemon Go, how he's using it as a coping mechanism and how that's okay (I cannot stress enough how I want him to still feel okay playing), but also how we can't just drop everything all the time for it. We just got back from a small holiday trip and the entire time, he kept the Pokemon Go under control and played when we wanted but not when we were doing dinner, taking parents places, and such. He showed a lot of restraint and a lot of respect for the stuff we talked about.
I have also done a few raids with him and his people from discord, and I'm really glad he has this group of random Pokemon people that he knows by their Pokemon nicknames and stuff. It's actually very sweet, and not forced socialization or awkward adult-friend-making...they just go do raids, trade pokemon and know each other from these small moments. It's good for him, especially as his social circle has shrunk over the past few years. It's all so low key and low pressure that I really do think it's healthy for him to do these raids and talk to people about his hobby.
I'm also trying to be receptive that his way of "giving" to me right now is by helping me with the game. He really likes to play PoGo with me and gets excited when I get a shiny or catch a legendary in a raid. I have to realize that while the depression stops him from acting like he cares about stuff like cleaning or eating, this is a small glimpse into what he can be like once he gets better again (and also, a glimpse of his old self).
I wanted to thank everyone who shared their stories of depression and opened my eyes to the fact that there is so much more to being depressed than just being unmotivated/sad/empty. I had no idea that his motivation in the game was part of the depression and part of coping with life. Thanks for all the stories, seriously, they meant so much.
Dating and the search for love and companionship... What a nightmare.
This journey plays out nothing like in the movies.
Every Prince or Princess (or everything in BTW) seems to have a touch of the psycho.
The things people say during what should be simple dinner conversation can leave a dining partner aghast.
Like... do you hear you?
Redditor detroit_michigldan wanted to discuss all the best ways to crash and burn when trying to make a romantic connection. They asked:
"You're on a date and it's going really great. What can another person say to ruin it completely?"
I once had a guy ask me if I was willing to follow him into the woods, depending on the price of the meal.
Yeah. No steak is worth that.
Plans After...
"Thanks for the ride but I have a date with someone else, I figured you wouldn't drive me if you knew I was going on a date with someone else and I really needed a ride."
"Online dating, talked to her for a while, finally got the courage to ask her out and then she said that as we got there."
iareyours
Mirror Image
“'You look just like my wife!'”
catalinachild
"I did have a guy tell me I reminded him of his son. I don’t believe English has a word to adequately describe my feelings at that time."
UnicornMagicRainbow
"That would definitely do it."
chaotica78
Third Wheel
"'Hope you don't mind if my mother joins us.'"
ofsquire
"Actually had a girl do this on a first date because she had anxiety issues. Honestly wasn’t bad except that 90% of the time she was silent and her mom talked over her."
"I didn’t mind that much and wouldn’t have minded trying again when she was more comfortable except that she was let go at the company we worked at and she deleted her social media profiles and she never responded on her number. Ah well."
Seightx
Liar
"'Hey bro aren't you gay? I made out with you last night.'"
"Random dude I've never seen before in front of my (f) date."
JHXC16
Was he lying though?
Filter Issues
"'You looked better on Tinder.'"
waqasnaseem07
"Isn’t it basic knowledge that everybody looks slightly worse than the worst picture you can find?"
no_user_ID_found
The Past
"'My ex used to do that too.'"
xxIvyOF
"Yep. I’ve definitely had two otherwise-decent-guy date-situations sour because the ex-comparisons just would not stop flowing. No woman wants to be seen as interchangeable—I’m not here to perfectly fill that ex-sized hole in your life. Focusing on the present moment and a future we could build together is a courtesy we need to grant each other in earliest dates of dating."
LarkScarlett
Powerless
"'I'm an alpha, you cant handle my top energy.'"
Midnightgay28
"I actually left a dude in the middle of dinner, in part, for saying this. I ordered an Uber under the table while pretending to listen to him. Went to the bathroom, and never came back. That was when I was young. Now I’d just say, 'How about we enjoy this meal in silence, before we head our separate ways.'”
UnicornMagicRainbow
Mommy...
"'Mother says I should be back by 9.'"
"Saying 'mother says' just feels weird."
bunnyrut
"That gives me Norman Bates vibes."
Werewolf_lover20
"'Mother says alligators are aggressive because they have an overabundance of teeth, but lack a toothbrush.'"
sodaextraiceplease
Obvs...
"'If you were going to be murdered, what method would you prefer. Purely hypothetical. Obvs.'"
Specific_Tap7296
If it looks anything like a Dateline NBC episode... RUN!
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Despite the advancement of technology rendering people left to their own devices–literally–to entertain them, there are some leisurely activities that will never go out of style.
Or so you would think.
Do people still knit to pass the time? Are people actively collecting stamps?
It depends on who's asking.
Curious to hear about hobby trends, Redditor gizehgizeh asked:
"What are once popular hobbies that are slowly dying these days?"

Before we've become conditioned to living on our phones, these activities used to keep people occupied.
Before Texting, There Was This
"Letter writing."
– littlekingMT
Literal And Tangible Joy
"Well the internet killed pen pals for sure. I do remember I had a Japanese girl for a penpal maybe back in 2007 or so. I honestly don't remember how it started, pretty sure some website, but that was a fun experience. But now I can just straight up talk to foreign people real time, lol. But yea getting a physical letter that someone took the time to write and mail still is hard to beat feelings wise."
– skyburnsred
Model Trains
"When I was growing up, every town had a model train store in it. Now I have one in region and everything else has to be bought online."
– Hairy_Effective1172
Pretty Rocks
"Don’t see anyone playing marbles anymore, I had an awesome collection in school."
– sheeple85
"I had some marbles as a kid in the 90s. My grandma got them for me and I had no idea what I was supposed to do with them. I always imagined them as a thing kids in the 40s played with."
– Ryoukugan
People Were Moving Canvases
"Paintball has been dying a slow death since 2006. Sad, really."
– hobo_recycler
Before the general population began hating clutter, collecting was once a "thing."
Precious Coins
"Coin collecting... I'm a silver/gold nut and I'm always hunting for precious metal coins. whenever I go into a shop they get all excited because 'no one under 70 collects coins anymore.'"
– ThatFishySmell99
Post It
"Stamp collecting."
– spooky_scully_mulder
"Collecting in general, really. Of course there are still prominent collectors but it's slipped more into enthusiast and niche territory than being a popular hobby that you might expect anyone to have."
– iuytrefdgh436yujhe2
What A Gem
"Rockhounding was immensely popular back in the 1950's and 1960's. Personally, I think it's a fascinating and fulfilling hobby, but when I go to a meeting at a rock and gem club, I'm usually the youngest one in the room by several decades."
– filthy_lucre
People once enjoyed making things.
Admiring The View
"Stained glass. I learned how to make it from my old man, and my junior high art class teacher also taught it. Very few artisans are still around."
– brobeanzhitler
Metal Vocation
"Black smithing."
– kenworth117
"I bought a forge to try. It’s insanely hard work, and crazy expensive. I still haven’t finished a piece."
– DSentvalue
Scrapbooking
"Yeah. I'm watching the arts and crafts stores around me completely uninstalling their racks for specialty paper. Now the only thing they have is mega packs of repeating colors/images. To boot all the inclusions like papercraft/die-cut things, washi tape, scissors, stickers, etc have gotten so expensive I would rather go buy $5 bags at value village to get an assortment of things versus buying anything new. I really, really miss yard sales for the same reasons."
– Phantasmai
I envy people who have jobs that are basically their hobbies.
Not everyone gets paid doing what they actually enjoy and have a profound level of passion for.
If they do, kudos to them.
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When we first meet someone–whether through mutual friends, at school, or in a new work setting–we generally feel people out to determine if they're worth getting to know.
While the process could take time, some people make our jobs much easier after spotting instant red flags.
Curious to hear about our general radar of people, Redditor xxFluffie asked:
"What is something that makes you immediately dislike someone?"

Some people just think they are absolutely hilarious and never realize they're the only ones laughing.
Next In Line
"They laugh about having screwed someone else over. If you think you're not next, well, you'll learn."
– whiznat
Unfunny
"when you mention you don't like a thing and they immediately do that thing 'as a joke.'"
– wayfinder
Playing Devil's Advocate
"Kneejerk contrarians. People who, no matter what you say you like or believe, just have to dismiss it and say they like or think the opposite."
– BubbhaJebus
People who put others down get slammed here.
Bad Parents
"When they treat their kids sh**ty in public. I don't mean handling tantrums, setting a rule, having to hurry to the train etc. I mean perfectly normal-behaved kids getting in trouble for trailing along peacefully, looking at things, asking questions etc."
"If you don't like tiny humans who learn the world, why have them??"
– raxeira-etterath
Public Humiliation
"Treating people sh**ty in public for laughs. Like being rude to service workers because they think it’s funny. Big red flag."
– Ok_Personality_1080
Simply Uncalled For
"Someone who is a d*ck to other people or animals for no reason."
– xebt1000
Those with ulterior motives rubs people the wrong way.
The Scheme
"If they try to get me to join their MLM scheme."
– spazmcgee1
Hard Sell
"A guy I used to be friends with in high school reached out a couple of years after graduating about a business opportunity he wanted my opinion on because 'you've always been smart', then he set up a Skype call and brought some other dude into the call and they started trying to sell me on what was clearly an MLM scheme. The guy went from friend to 'I'm never talking to you again' in a matter of 10 minutes."
– Mental-Afternoon-164
A Timeline
"Good gawd, this! I've had more than one exposure to this abject bullsh**tery..."
- Back in the late 80's/early 90's I was invited to a meeting of literally the OG "Pyramid" where you're recruited to pay in, and then you go out and recruit others to pay in, and the last in line got f'kall.
- In 1995 I had a coworker try to reel me into Amway, which was a hard no.
- In 2000 it was Pampered Chef, though to be fair they did have useful products.
- In 2009 a coworker tried to get me into some stupid video calling service that was obviously stupid from the description. He even got offended when I called bullsh*t.
– Mystical_Cat
Too much ego is a no-go.
I Can Do Better
"Being a b*tch just to stroke their own ego."
"We get it, you can lift 5lbs more than the 12 year old, you don't have to rub it in their face just because you're slightly better"
– Livia_Pivia
Can't Top This
"Oh, you did <story that's been told>? That's nothing! I did <implausible story>.
"I get the whole empathy through relating common experience, and I'm someone who does that (which drives some people crazy on its own), but there's a big different by empathising through common experience, and one-upmanship."
– Tisarwat
Lacking Conversational Etiquette
"Starting to talk over me when I was already talking."
"Stop it you rude, arrogant jerk."
– R33Gtst
If one or more of these traits sound familiar to you, you're not alone.
We don't have time for braggadocios, pyramid-schemers, and conversation interrupters.
And that's just for starters.
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Children tend to believe just about anything they hear.
That there are monsters under your bed, watching too much TV will make your head explode, and silly faces will be permanent if you make them too often.
The sky is truly the limit when it comes to silly things that children will believe.
Some call it naivitée, other's youthful innocence.
But it's hard not to look back with embarrassment on certain things we believed as a child, that today might simply seem dumb.
Redditor Disastrous_Toe_6548 was curious to learn the multitude of silly things people believed when they were children, leading them to ask:
"What's the dumbest thing you believed as a kid?"
Pleading to deaf ears...
"My dad told me he had hearing loss and couldn't hear me if I whined because my pitch would get too high."
"Would completely ignore me until I asked him questions in a normal voice."
"Trusted him implicitly until I was 12 and he yelled at my younger brother for whining."- Tyrion_Stark.
Get it while you can.
"That they took everything off the shelves when the supermarket closed."- fgyfddg.
Silly superstitions.
"My grandfather used to tell me that if I played with the fire, I'd pee the bed."
"I believed him for a while, until I got older."
"I think he was just trying to protect me from the fire."- teddypa1981.
"Rain, rain go away..."
"That if it was raining where I was, it was raining everywhere in the world."- morningshartz.
Age is just a number.
"My parents used to seem really old to me, so much so I believed they grew up like cave people as children, wearing giant leaves for clothes and what not."- Laleena_.
So that's how they're made!
"That smokestacks from the power plant created clouds."- Scaniarix.
An instant cure.
"The sun gives you sunburns, therefore, moonlight should heal them."- velocipeter.
Better safe than sorry.
"Don't drink and drive meant all drinks."
"My dad was super confused when I told him he wasn't allowed to have any soda until we got home."- hulagirlslovetoparty.
Don't believe everything you see on TV.
"There was an episode of Mickey Mouse where Mickey couldn’t reach something at first, so he tried again and somehow his arm was long enough to reach it."
"As a small kid I believed that if I couldn’t reach something, I should just try reaching for it again and my arm would then somehow be long enough to reach it."- That-Dutch-Person.
The miracle of childbirth.
"That babies are pooped out."
"When I was like 7 I was listening to my aunt as she explained that childbirth was pretty intense and painful for her, and I was all solemnly like, 'yeah, sometimes just my poops are painful, I don’t think I could get a baby out' and she went 'um, WHAT?' and her reaction made me realize real quick that I had f*cked up somewhere and I tried to change the subject while my mind was just reeling lol."- thesoundingfurrows.
Oh to be a child again.
And to believe literally everything you're told.
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