Life ain't easy and we ALL have a past. Sometimes we do all we can to runaway from and hide the life that once was and the person we used to be. Problem is that person... existed and they'll never not be a tangible presence. Admitting who we once were is an essential part of growth. Case in point...
Redditor wannacomeclean wanted to discuss... Want some advice on how I [29F] can "come clean" to some new friends [32F, 34F, 34M, 38F) I've gotten close to over the last 6 months to whom I've been lying by omission.
I know what I'm going to do, I just want to talk out the best way with some objective parties, I hope that's ok. I will change all names and fudge some irrelevant details just in case...not that I'm super scared anyone will recognize me, just like my anonymity.
I've been through some s***. There is no way to sugar coat it. 3 years ago I was married to the love of my life (Ben) with the most perfect human child that ever existed (Veronica) and I was 5 months pregnant with a boy. We were hit by a drunk driver at 5pm in the afternoon, my husband and daughter died on the scene, and I miscarried my son in the hospital later that night. I was otherwise physically "fine". It has not been an easy road. There were times when I'd have killed myself, except after losing my daughter, I'd never do that to my mom. I took time off work, I spent time with friends and family, I went to therapy almost every day, I grieved. I tried to go back to my old job, but it just didn't work. I don't blame my coworkers at all, but no one really treated me normally. With everything they did there was just this...pity. Every idea of mine is the greatest, every joke I tell is the best. When I walk into rooms people stop talking and focus on me, everyone wants to share my workload and help me out. They are doing what you'd think any wonderful people would do but it felt terrible. I wanted to move on with my life and feel normal.
6 months ago, at 29, for the first time in my life I moved out on my own, to a new state, I got a new job using no connections who knew me.
I moved to this new far away city and tried to recreate myself. I had always wanted to salsa dance so I started going to a salsa night at a bar and ended up seeing 4 people there frequently. 3 women and a man, Brenda, Donna, Kelly and Luke. Brenda, Donna and Luke were a few years older than me. Donna and Luke are divorced with no kids (not divorced from each other) and Kelly is the oldest and is married with 2 kids. I started seeing them at the bar every Thursday night and spending time there, but after a few weeks we exchanged numbers and got together for dinner. The rest is "history", we were fast friends and hung out about once a week, sometimes Donna and I would see each other more often because she was also single.
The last 6 months have been the best and and worst I could have imagined. I needed for people to treat me as a human. I needed to not see pity in their eyes when they looked at me. I needed them to be honest with me and not just tell me everything I did and said was the best ever because I've suffered enough. It felt great for a while. They called me out on my s***, they aggressively loved me, I felt so normal.
One weekend we went to the beach together. Kelly saw me in my bikini and exclaimed "ugh you bitch, you're so thin, that is the body of a woman who has never had a baby!" and laughed. She was complimenting me, I wanted to scream that my body grew the most perfect human that ever existed and that my breasts fed her for 13 months. I suddenly cursed my body for not having stretch marks when before it'd seemed to be a blessing.
Now Brenda has been dating someone seriously and they just got engaged, and is leaning heavily on Kelly and Donna since they've both been married and want advice. Sure she wants my advice too, as a good friend, but she doesn't want to hear about my wedding that I had poured my heart and soul into because she doesn't know it happened. But I guess I didn't think I'd become such great friends with these new people and want them to know more about me, and now I am looking for the best way to tell these people that I am a widow who lost a child and a pregnancy along with her husband. I've known them for 6 months and we've gotten so close in so many ways.
I don't say this to sound bitchy, but I also know that I'll get a pass. No one will be mad that I haven't told them yet, everyone will understand, I just want to tell them in the least dramatic way, and to make sure they fully understand my reasons and that my intentions for lying by omission were selfish, but good.
How To ProceedGiphy
I think tell them some of what you have told us here.
Tell them that you moved somewhere new to get a new start, to be treated normally. Tell them that their friendships have been so valuable and wonderful, and has helped you heal.
Then tell them that as you have become closer, you have wanted to share some of the positive aspects of your past. That you feel compelled to speak up about the wedding you planned, the marriage you built, the child you carried and nurtured. And so you know you need to tell them what happened.
Pity Party Perspective
The impression I got was OP did not want to be treated differently because of the tragic losses she suffered. If she confides this to her friends they will treat her differently. The solution of "just tell them" seems the obvious simple solution, but she may not like the results. Remember, OP moved away and recreated her life to get away from the pity party everyone was constantly throwing for her. It kept her grief alive. If she confides in her friends she may very well end up in the same situation.
And as someone else pointed out, her friends may end up feeling like s*** for the things they said to her in ignorance, like the bikini incident. This will only exacerbate the situation OP wanted to get away from, people feeling guilty and pity for her.
No matter how nice your friends are, most are not equipped to deal with the reality of OP's issues. I don't have any real answers for OP besides do not drop the bomb. Maybe trickle truth OP's past, mention she was married but she doesn't like to talk about it. If one of her friends reaches out to her for more info, OP can share more as the friend is indicating they want to hear what happened, but to keep it to themselves for the time being.
I'm going to tell you something that might sound counter-intuitive given that you're looking to be honest, but: framing is important. If you start your revelation by telling them that you've been lying to them (even by omission), they're going to receive it as a story about how you lied to them.
You have done nothing wrong here. You have done nothing dishonest. You have held back nothing that anyone was entitled to, or needed to know. You did what you needed to, at the cost of no harm to any living person. That's not a lie in my books.
So maybe sit down and tell them "There's a part of my life I haven't been ready to talk about until now, but now we're so close I can't imagine not sharing it with you." And work on thinking about it in those terms yourself. There's nothing to beat yourself up over here.
The Original Poster Had An Update For How It WentGiphy
So I really want to first take a moment to talk about how awesome my experience in this sub has been. I knew that I wanted to tell my friends the story of my past, and I knew they would react pretty well, and I knew they'd be supportive and we'd remain close friends. I really just didn't know how to bring it up after SIX months. I don't know if I expressed it in my first post, but 6 months is kind of a long time, I feel so close to these people in so many ways, so mostly it was just weird to me to not be able to casually mention my family. I absolutely still have days where it's hard to get out of bed and I just want to be left alone to cry in the dark, but so many times I think of happy memories with my family, and adorable things Veronica did that I'm reminded of and I want to be able to pepper those into my conversations. I struggled with HOW to tell people. One on one? Big group dinner? Email? So I actually emailed them all the day after my first post here and invited them over for dinner the next night if they could make it on short notice. I said to please bring their SOs, but told Kelly I'd explain later why I think she shouldn't bring her kids this time. Honestly I was just afraid she'd get really upset and wouldn't want her kids to see her like that. She couldn't get a sitter, so her husband stayed home with the kids, but Brenda and Luke brought their SOs, and I made a huge pot of chili and some cornbread. I feel like they sensed something was up, because honestly I thought the odds of them all being able to come with one day's notice was unusual.
They showed up early evening, we sat in my living room (tight quarters!) and had some wine, and then I started. I'm an awkward person, so I basically said "I have some big information about my past that I really want to share with you. It's not something that I share with everyone I meet and it's hard to bring up, but now so much time has gone by and I feel so close to you all, and I really want you to know this part of my life. I think it'll be emotional for you all to hear about, and I think it'll slightly change our dynamic for a while, but I'm also really excited to share this with you." A couple of the girls were already teary. I didn't know if they'd googled me and already knew what I was going to say, or if they could just sense the emotion in my voice. I wanted the next part to be really blunt and not beat around the bush and first set it up so they wouldn't see where I was going. I said, 3 years ago my husband, 2 year old daughter and I were in a car accident when I was 5 months pregnant. My husband and daughter were killed instantly, and I lost the son I was carrying, but was otherwise physically okay.
Everyone was silently sobbing at this point, including me. I told them why I moved away, why I wanted to start fresh, and why now I needed them to know my story. Kelly got up and came over and sat on the floor by my feet and cried into my lap for a while. I stroked her hair and told her it was okay, and that her kids are the first kids I had contact with since Veronica and it genuinely gave me so much joy to be around them, and that the only thing I would change is that I'd like to share stories about our kids, talk about what Veronica liked to play with or the "words" she would say, diaper rash. We were all still crying, but there was a lot of smiling and joking too. I tried to break the ice a little bit with Kelly and said "you know what this means right? I have had a baby and still look hot in a bikini!" We giggled, she said OMG I can't believe I said that, I said I take it as a compliment and assured them all I would not hold anything against them they said previously that in the light of this new information could now be seen as offensive.
It wrapped up so neatly like a goddamn sit com! I mean, they are good people and I knew it would. With all I've been through I'm choosey about who I let into my life and I could tell they were good people who would react well, but they've also all been friends for SO long, it always kind of feels like I'm the new kid and we aren't on equal footing. I am glad I told them all together though, instead of telling them individually. I honestly don't think I could have handled that emotionally, going through it took a lot out of me.
Brenda actually said that when we first met and she was looking up to see if I had Facebook, she came across a headline about my accident but didn't click on it because the headline was so horrific and she assumed it was just someone with the same name. We finally ate chili around 10:30. I do think they'll tread lightly around me for a while, but I also think this is going to bring us closer. And I don't intend to bring my family up often, but I'm glad now I can share stories about my wedding planning, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc. I never wanted someone that I could cry to about missing my family. Honestly....that's mine and mine alone. I still go to therapy, so I'm not keeping it inside, but it just doesn't work for me to express my grief over my loss to others. Thanks for helping me talk this out Reddit.
Thank you to those of you who sent me PMs sharing your own losses or just wishing me well. I could not have had this particular conversation with anyone in my real life. You were really here for me. That means a lot.
Who's having onions?Giphy
Best choice ever. Now excuse me while I go clean my tears.
yup sitting at my computer crying. good thing i live alone.
Find your Tribe!
I am so happy things worked out with your friends! The way you described them and said they were great people, I knew they would be awesome.
I could tell they were good people who would react well, but they've also all been friends for SO long, it always kind of feels like I'm the new kid and we aren't on equal footing.
THIS. Thank you so much for saying this. It is never too late to make friends or "join" an already established group. An addition to such a longtime group of friends just makes it sweeter and more loving than it was before!
I hope you were able to gain some emotional release from crying. I find that often happens to me. I don't think of it as depressing the days that I might spend several hours crying and shunning other people. Maybe it's the spending time thinking about my family that makes a good crying session feel cathartic, but I also think the physical release of the tears helps too.
I didn't sign my permission slip to go on this feels trip. Still, such a happy ending. Good luck to you, OP.
The Lucky Ones..
Yeah this is going to sound weird, and it certainly wasn't intentional, but this is now something that bonds all of us together. I hadn't spend as much time with the SOS of those who have them since they don't come salsa dancing, and I see Donna (god I think Donna, I'm so confused by my fake names, but the other single lady) more often than the rest so we're pretty close, but now this experience itself is something we are going through together. I'm so proud of the way we were all there for each other last night. I know they care about me, and I know how I would hurt for a friend who went through what I did, so I know this is draining on them as well. I've had 3 years to come to terms with this and they are just finding out about a pretty horrible tragedy that happened to someone they care about. I strangely feel like the grief veteran here, and I can help them navigate these sad feelings.
It honestly just feels really great. I can now go to work and to the local store and to the gym and not get constant pity, but I still have those close friends nearby that know about my family and want to be there for me. This is going to sound so freaking cheesy, but I feel like Ben sent me this group of people to take care of me. He was so much better at making friends than I was. I met everyone through him. And who meets a whole new group of friends shortly after moving to a new city. I never again thought I'd feel "lucky" after what I went through...but I just feel so lucky to have met these people.
Thanks for the smiles...Giphy
I don't know what I could say to add to this perfect, perfect update, OP. Just that I'm really stinking happy for you. Reading through this post brought some genuine smiles to my face. Like, I'm ready to weep tears of relief for a complete stranger. I'm just, gaaah...so glad this worked out good for you.
I'm not a religious person at all, but I feel like these people were put in your life on purpose.
You are not alone!Giphy
You may have lost your family in an accident, but you've gained a new family.
Truly caring companions.
And you still have the option to start a new family of your own again.
Bless you, and your courage, girl.
But - you sound like such a genuine person with such great love in your heart. I hope you continue to find new happiness in your life :).
I'm so glad this went well for you and I wish I could give you a hug.
My grandma (not by blood) lost everyone she loved before she eventually passed away...and while she lived like normal, you could tell that underneath it all, she was very happy to go meet up with her family again. Relieved. It wasn't super obvious, but it was just something you know without needing to be told.
I don't know what you can take from that but you'll meet more family that you didn't know you had, maybe you've found that in your new friends :) Good luck in life, and know that your family is watching your story play out and they'll be there for you at the end.
We aren't perfect. There's plenty of things in our pasts that we look back and cringe at.
That being said, sometimes those cringe moments go far past cringe. Sometimes they get to the point of no return awfulness because that's where our human nature took us in this moment.
He's Not Dead<p>When I was 17 my brother walked into a room where I was lying down on my back and stamped on my chest. </p><p>I saw red and stood up and punched him square in the face, unfortunately this was in a doorway in front of a staircase, which he fell down backwards and when he hit the wall at the bottom folded up in such a way I thought I'd killed him. </p><p>He didn't move for what seemed like forever and I was certain he was dead, the world just spinning out around me. </p><p>He wasn't dead, obviously, but knocked out briefly and he never laid a finger on me again, after being the kind of nasty bully who had spent much of my childhood just randomly beating on me for his own enjoyment.</p><p>Those were the longest seconds of my life.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/MrSpindles/" target="_blank">MrSpindles</a></p>
Complete And Total Taking Over<p>I don't know about "haunts" but it makes me cringe. In public school we had this thing in our school called 'Jumpstart for Kids' where you'd go around, often door to door, collecting money for this charity once a year. </p><p>Anyway I was 12 and I liked a boy in highschool and he convinced me to take the envelope and go door to door and collect money... to give to him so he could buy a drum set. </p><p>I walked around collecting from all these sweet people who told me I was so nice for collecting money for underprivileged kids. Fortunately I got caught and my parents made me donate it instead. So embarrassing.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/heather-rch/" target="_blank">heather-rch</a></p>
Scene Of The Crime<p>Provincial Park, pay shower, 12 years old, line-up to get in. Towards the end of my turn in the shower, get the urge to poop. Cannot hold it. Using a sock to smoosh the last of it down the drain, water turns off. Out of quarters. Put a towel over my head, run out of there past the line-up.</p><p> Get back to the camp site, immediately change clothes, shoes, hairstyle, put on a ball cap. Work up the courage to go by the area later on, it is all cordoned off. Hear people angrily discussing how someone took a dump in the shower.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/eskerhobolo/" target="_blank">eskerhobolo</a></p>
When Bullying A Bully Isn't Worth It<p>We had a camper in this large campground at a lake when I was growing up. Tons of families with kids riding bicycles and golf carts up and down the gravel roads through the property. </p><p>There was this one kid that was a few years older than me (I was 10, he was probably 12 or so) who's dad was the security guard and they lived on site and he was the biggest punk in the park. He'd try and wrestle you in the pool, throw rocks at you as you were fishing, ride off on your bike if you left it laying around, bully and hit smaller kids, even girls. </p><p>I was driving the golf cart down a pretty steep, gravel hill one day when I came up on him on his bike, going the same way as me. He never turned around to acknowledge I was there so I got up just to the side of him and turned HARD right into him. We were both going probably 10-15 miles an hour down this hill. </p><p>He took a nasty spill and rolled off the side of the road and wasn't moving. I kept on going, acting like nothing happened. We were completely isolated so no one saw me. I remember him getting taken away in an ambulance and hearing that he'd been hurt pretty bad.</p><p> I immediately felt remorse for what I'd done but never said a word to anyone. He or anyone else never had any idea I did it either. I look back now and think about how much of a financial strain I put on that family, seeing as how they were already living in a camper. That was a really REALLY evil thing I did and it still crosses my mind quite often.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/harp9r/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">harp9r</a></p>
Not Hurting<p>So you know the carnival horses you can sit on outside of grocery stores (back in the 90's). Well I wanted to ride one and this sweet old woman tried to help me get on, slipped, and really really hurt herself falling into the ride. I just remember hearing her scream and I got scared and ran away.<br></p><p>I'm 31 years old and think about that day at least once a week.</p><p><span></span><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/packhawk2689/" target="_blank">packhawk2689</a></p>
Gotta Get Up, Gotta Get Out<p>Easy. When I was 5, I burned my house down.</p><p>We were living in a small home, me, my sister, mom, dad. I was supposed to be in the bed, but I wanted a toy or <em>something</em> that was under my bed, and I didn't want to wake my parents by turning on my light... soooo I grabbed my dad's cigarette lighter and light the flame under my bed. Needless to say it went up like a match. </p><p>My dad tried to stomp the fire out after I started screaming fire, burning his leg horribly. My room and the source of the fire was blocking EVERY other bedroom from escape, so everyone had to jump out of a window. Funnily enough, I don't remember the world-class a** whipping I must have received for that. I just cringe at the thought that I almost killed all of us being a dumb kid.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Paradigm_Pizza/" target="_blank">Paradigm_Pizza</a></p>
Escape<p>I was married to an insanely abusive man. After two years I escaped and he killed himself shortly after. Not sure if it was him avoiding charges, or avoiding his deployment but his family decided it was 100% my fault. They told the police I gave him the gun and encouraged him. </p><p>That was investigated and unfounded. What they didn't know was he'd scanned and emailed me his suicide note the wee hours of the morning of. The police didn't find the note. Of course I handed it over when they asked. His family would not believe I wasn't involved or at fault and harassed me for a long time. </p><p>If I got a job and they found out about it they'd call and leave so many complaints I'd get let go. Found out what I drove and had their other kids and their friends follow me. </p><p>I ended up having to leave that town and disappearing to avoid them. But before I did, I printed a copy of his suicide note, found his moms car at her job, and left it on the window shield. That note detailed the abuse his father put him through, his rage at his mother for never leaving him and making himself and his siblings live with the SOB. </p><p>That he never wanted me to blame myself, that this was his way of getting the hell away from them and the damage he caused. I felt pretty bad for awhile. But at the same time.... they literally wouldn't leave me alone and stalked me for 5 years.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/TinyTinasRabidOtter/" target="_blank">TinyTinasRabidOtter</a></p>
If You Give A Pup A Shower<p>Bored in the house one day alone when I was about 10, so decided to give my dog a shower, I genuinely loved my dog, he was my best friend growing up, but for some unknown reason I decided to turn the shower onto hot water only (extremely hot) and started showering him. There was a delay I guess in him reacting because his fur was so thick, which meant I kept it on him for a few seconds.</p><p>suddenly He started yelping like dogs do when in pain, his instincts were to not be aggressive or try to escape but just looked at me scared and confused.</p><p>I panicked smashed on the cold and cooled him down as quick as I could.</p><p>Fortunately he was not 'burnt' or had any ongoing issues, he never even lost trust in me.</p><p>I felt physically sick and ashamed in myself for days after, and obviously it still bothers me 20 years later.</p><p>The good thing to come from it is that I was so disturbed by my action that I have never knowingly inflicted pain on anyone or anything since.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/ChrisLeeHD/" target="_blank">ChrisLeeHD</a></p>
Caught In The Act<p>I was at school and for no reason at all, I eavesdropped a very private and delicate conversation between one of my teachers and her husband. </p><p>Then she opened the door and saw me eavesdropping. It was beyond humiliating and I deserved the scolding afterwards. I was young and stupid obviously, but when I remember the look on her face, I still cringe hard, even if it's been almost 20 years.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/naydeilinsei/" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">naydeilinsei</a></p>
Shunned<p>Second grade, I had a classmate (fake name Sasha) who was kinda awkward. Crooked teeth, quiet, not too bright. Didn't really have any friends within the class, though she did have some people she would hang out with at recess. </p><p>In any case, a boy in the grade above us, a friend of my brother's actually, for some reason decided to spread a rumor among all of us that Sasha had lice and to stay away from her. </p><p>I bought it without a second thought, and so did most of us; as far as I know, she wasn't particularly teased, but she was just shunned. No one talked to her. </p><p>She was around till the end of the year and didn't come back for third grade. No clue what happened to her, but I really hope we didn't mess her up too much.</p><p>Next summer, I got the worst case of head lice my pediatrician had ever seen. Karma, my dudes.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Isabel79540/" target="_blank">Isabel79540</a></p>
I don't miss high school or the people in it. People who seem to have peaked in high school also weird me out. How? Why? I can definitely tell you that life got much more interesting the older I got (my 20s were way more fun than any of my time in high school). If you were to ask me if I have any regrets, I suppose I would say that I wish I had been more assertive and stood up for myself more. Depression has a way of complicating goals like that, though. Let me tell you: It feels nice to be so much healthier than I was then.
After Redditor Sub2735 asked the online community, "What's your biggest regret from high school?" people shared their stories.
"I'm sure the mentality..."<p>Being too shy, I'm sure the mentality that everyone hated me wasn't very good for making friends.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpad84o?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">aeflare</a></p>
"I'm not sure how it could have gone differently..."<p>Dropping out. I am not sure how it could have gone differently, but I do wish it had. It was expensive to upgrade all that education to get into post-secondary, and I also missed out on a lot of social things.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpafhng?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">DaughterEarth</a></p>
"I was already pretty cynical..."<p>I was told I had received a full-ride scholarship, so I stopped putting in any effort on other scholarships. When the time came, it wound up being awarded to someone who applied late, got it due to their family's income level, and then dropped out of college after one month. My first two years of college were a financial nightmare as I had to pay my own way on everything (except rent, as I lived at home and commuted across state lines for work and college). If I had $50 at the end of the month, that was a damn good month. I couldn't get student loans and my parents refused to help, so I had worked out a deal with the financial office at college to pay something like $550 a month, which was about 90% of my income.</p><p>I regret not confronting whoever made that decision about the scholarship. I somewhat regret not putting in the effort to get other scholarships at the same time, but I can't blame myself for it either.</p><p>I was already pretty cynical at that point, but that was when I realized just how quickly your back becomes a knife block for someone else's optics.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpalo5m?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">A_Garbage_Account</a></p>
"I used to daydream..."<p>I used to daydream about going back one day and burning it to the ground, but it's just been demolished by land developers. So I guess that dream's dead.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpafcpx?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">EducationTangle06</a></p>
I suppose the phrase, "Always follow your dreams"...<p>...doesn't apply in this case.</p>
"Acting like a clown..."<p>Acting like a clown, annoying everyone to the point where no one really stayed in contact with me after, and taking my precious little charter school for granted.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpae5ak?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">SalFunction12</a></p>
I have a friend who has expressed similar concerns about his time in high school.<p>He ended up spending his college years going to therapy and maturing. His clownish antics were a coping mechanism for a lot of crap going on in his life at the time. He's happier and healthier now and that's what matters.</p>
"To be fair..."<p><span>Dating my best friend. To be fair that's how I found out a lot of people weren't really my friends but getting ghosted afterward really hurt.</span></p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpasudw?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">kannacantplay</a></p>
"She got tired..."<p>I took my crush to Daft Punk Alive 2007 instead of my best friend. She wasn't responding all day, and I was with my friend. We were about to leave when she called. She'd been with her boyfriend all day and had forgotten about the concert. I took her. My buddy was disappointed but cool about it.</p><p>She got tired of being on the floor halfway through so we sat in the bleachers. We started walking out before the encore because she wanted to get home sooner.</p><p>Always wanted to take my buddy to a Daft Punk show after that, and was going to, no matter where or how much it cost. But I'll never get the chance.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpbd6so?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">spanishgrapelaw</a></p>
"Looking back now..."<p>I regret not telling my crushes how I felt about them. Looking back now, I know that those puppy love relationships probably wouldn't have developed into anything long term and I no doubt would've had my heart broken when they inevitably ended but, I can't help but wonder: What if?</p><p>Having cultivated a host of insecurities by the time I got to high school, I was really good at hiding my inner thoughts and feelings - I also probably didn't see myself very clearly. So, I just assumed that there was zero chance of my crushes reciprocating my feelings and never said anything to them about it. I also probably sub-consciously ignored any signs that they were interested in me (again, didn't see myself clearly, was very insecure).</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpazwl2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Vegoceraptor</a></p>
"The world is wider..."<p>Not engaging with opportunities available to me and just looking at it like a holding pen just before adulthood.</p><p>It may seem hokey, but join clubs, try out lots of sports, pursue interests, pay attention in class and engage with your peers.</p><p>The world is wider for adolescents than I allowed myself to believe it was at the time.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpaxnsf?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Big_Requirement_3540</a></p>
"I already knew I was quitting..."<p>Senior year I had the option of a guaranteed internship and doing half days at school. Turned it down because my parents wanted me to be in band (and I enjoyed it so didn't put up a fight).</p><p>I already knew I was quitting when I went to college. The internship would have been great experience to propel my studies/career.</p><p><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv5ytu/what_is_your_biggest_regret_from_high_school/gpatszd?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">ClubbsMcLubbs</a></p>
High school isn't easy.<p>Nor is it particularly fun for a lot of people. Remember how awful being a teenager was? Remember what it was like to feel like you were at the whim of your hormones all the time? It's an emotional rollercoaster. It's no wonder so many people would rather close the book on high school once it's over (or have some regrets related to their time there).</p><p>Have your own stories? Feel free to share them in the comments below.</p>
When we are on the outside looking in, it can feel so obvious that a relationship is doomed.
When we offer advice to friends, family, or people oversharing at a party, the correct next move often seems wildly obvious: get out of that relationship.
Enough Was Enough<p>"He was mentally ill, possibly with Paranoid Personality Disorder, definitely delusional, maybe schizophrenic. I was accused of all types of things, affairs, being part of plots to 'get' him, even urinating on his toothbrush."</p><p>"I stayed for 3 years after I knew I no longer loved him because I knew he would spiral without someone to look after him. He had destroyed every relationship with his friends and family because they were all also out to 'get' him."</p><p>"I finally told him I would only stay if he got help, which he refused. So I left."</p><p>"I was right about him spiralling. He went from sharehouse to sharehouse as all the other tenants were 'out to get him'. He eventually ended up homeless for a while is now facing 18 different charges so will probably end up in jail."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpal6ip?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">damekl</a></p>
An Unfortunately Common Response to Fading Love<p>"She threatened to kill herself and even though I wanted out of the relationship, i didnt want her to be hurt or die. I remember us arguing about something very trivial but she was getting very upset. She walked out mid conversation and came back with cuts all over her legs and thighs."</p><p>"I tried getting help from parents, school counselors, doctors. None helped. So i just tried to manage as much as I can. Eventually she joined the military & moved away and that was the moment I was finally free."</p><p>"Years wasted though."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpab7fm?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">corazon_im_hurt</a></p>
A Bare Bones Story<p>"Short version: domestic violence."</p><p>"Long version: I was afraid to leave because I believed he would find me and kill me."</p><p>"Conclusion: He pushed me too far and I ran."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpaizjk?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">AliceMorgon</a></p>
Tipping Over the Edge<p>"He was a violent drug addict and I was scared of what he may do if I left. I never truly loved him but our relationship became very codependent very quickly."</p><p>"He cheated on me, took advantage of the fact that I had a car and money, but I still stayed because he was always threatening to kill himself or to kill my cats."</p><p>"Then one night he literally backed me into a corner and tried to punch me in the head so that finally made me open my eyes and realize I had to get out."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpb5z6l?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Theging96666</a></p>
Optics<p>"She's terminally ill, and dying of Cancer, even though she is abusive now, and was before, I can't really leave, the social pressure to be a *good man* plus the cost of divorce and everything else is just too much, at this point it's just easier to wait it out."</p><p>"Plus I really like her family, and if I left her when she was sick...it would pretty much kill that relationship."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpbm18j?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Boise_State_2020</a></p>
Always a Reason to Stay<p>"We were living together at 16, she cheated on me and I told her I wanted her to leave, she begged me not to send her back to her moms house because they have like 8 people in a 2 bedroom house and because she would've had nowhere else to go."</p><p>"I was 16 I didn't know how to handle a girl literally begging me so I let her stay against my better judgement and it created a hurtful cycle of falling in and out of love."</p><p>"Feeling like things could get better and then having my world come crashing down every time I look at her because I think of reading the message of the guy saying he loved watching her get on top of him."</p><p>"A couple of years go by and we're not in love, just tolerating each other at this point and then we got pregnant, stayed together through the pregnancy but the stress was too much for both of us and caused fighting, sleeping apart, more cheating."</p><p>"When the baby was born she had finally turned 18 and we moved away our relationship got much better with each other, we're best friends now and are just trying our best to raise our daughter to be healthy and happy and know she's loved."</p><p>"Neither of us had good childhoods."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpa47ed?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Lapidot-Wav</a></p>
For the In-Laws<p>"I lived with a man I never loved. His mum was also living with us and I loved her more than my own biological mum."</p><p>"She was the nicest, kindest and the most caring soul I have ever met in my life. I left that man when he told me that he knew I was only with him because of his mum. That was 20 years ago but I still miss her every single day."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpbz7av?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Mayfl21</a></p>
A Sudden Shift<p>"I was with my wife for 14 years. For at least half of that, I wasn't happy with the relationship. But I had decided I was ok with it because everything about our life together was acceptable, for lack of a better word."</p><p>"We owned a house, made good money, got along well, shared hobbies, etc. We were basically roommates/best friends who just didn't love each other the way you would normally expect from a married couple."</p><p>"When the pandemic hit, and we were forced to stay home more and spend time with each other EVERY DAY, we started to get a better sense of how well we actually tolerated each other. It didn't go well."</p><p>"She ended up getting really into online gaming and met some other guys and basically cheated on me. In retrospect, it was obvious it would reach that point."</p><p>"But I was content to stay there as long as I could because it was a comfortable life with very little stress and obligation."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpaadi2?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">knucklehead923</a></p>
Slow Fade<p>"I was no longer as 'in love' with her. But I still loved her. After years together it could become tricky to figure out exactly what It's just a lull and what is it really going away."</p><p>"I was still living with my best friend. But ended it because once we really realized that I wasn't feeling the same way anymore. I was just hurting her for me to stay since she was still in love."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpa6h2s?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">collin3000</a></p>
Wise, But a Little Sad<p>"We have good chemistry and built a life together. After a lot of years, love comes and goes. It is like the seasons."</p><p>"As cold as it can be in the winter, if you put the effort in, the spring will always come back."</p><p>-- <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/lv3k1j/seriouspeople_who_have_stayed_with_someone_they/gpa41jl?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3" target="_blank">Aizpunr</a></p>
Some people don't take breakups very well. And those that don't can sometimes engage in behavior that others might view as bothersome, unsettling, even toxic.
Others engage in abusive behavior during the relationship, a major red flag that some people might not take seriously until it's too late.
After Redditor XYZ3110 asked the online community, "What's the creepiest thing an ex has done?" people shared their stories.