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Wingmen Reveal The Most Bonkers Plans To Get Two People Together That Actually Worked

Being a wingman or wingwoman or wingPERSON (it's 2019) is a sacred role that only the most worthy can fulfill. It requires thinking outside the box, even stooping to levels you'd never expect. But it's worth it for helping your friends find happiness, and of course, for the stories.

Dalk126 asked wingmen of Reddit: What was the most stupid plan you made to get two people together, that actually worked?

Submissions have been edited for clarity, context, and profanity.

50. It's All For The Best


Dated a girl that liked me. We eventually grew apart but just before we broke up i recommended she date my friend who i knew liked her after i mentioned she doesn't like me anymore as a joke. She actually asked him out to get to know him, and they've been dating for a while now


49. Makin' Atmosphere

Over the summer, I was at a bar with a group of my friends. There was a man there that my friend had been eyeing all summer, but she was too scared to make a move. Very drunk me promised her that if she could just start a conversation, I'd take care of the rest.

So once they started talking... I convinced every single other person at the bar to go to the outside section instead. I talked to more strangers that night than I ever had before, convincing all of them to leave the bar for a while. I must have talked 20 or 25 people total into leaving the bar to go outside.

Bonus: once they were all outside, I hung out around the door so people wouldn't be tempted to wander back inside. If I remember right, everyone had a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing, and it was successful - he kissed her!


48. Conflicted Feelings

I tried messing with my younger cousin: took her Ipad then wrote something ambigious like "I always wanted to tell you that..." to the first boy I saw as she was embarassed and tried to steal it back.

Apparently it triggered confession from him and she was mad at me for doing it while happily hopping around. I guess worth it.


47. Stage 4 Clinging

My friend wanted to get together with her crush, he had a crush on her. Her crush and I had a huge conversation in roblox about it and they became more than friends. He became really clingy and they broke up.


46. A Time Before Gay

Wingwoman, not wingman, but still.

Guy I am friends with wants to date a girl I am also friends with. One time they happened to be standing behind one another (facing away from each other). I ran in, tapped their shoulders, so it seemed like they tapped each other's shoulder, and skirted out of there. They ended up dating for 7 years before the girl came out as lesbian. Good times


45. A Burger Of A Time

Not exactly a wingman but I was asked by a friend if he should ask a girl out and asked me how, of all people he asked me... Well any way I sort of knew the girl from college and happened to remember how she loves a good quality burger so I suggested asking if she wanted to go for a nice burger and it worked. They have been together for maybe 7 months or so now.


44. Even When You Try Not Ruining The Moment

My best friend liked this guy. So I started playing wingman for them. He texted me saying we should get a group to hang out. He came up with the whole plan but I had to take credit. I then asked my best friend if she would be up for a mall trip with the group. She told me good luck getting the guy she liked to go (little did she know he came up with the plan) at the mall we were walking around. He went up to ask her out and I decided to run away to not ruin the moment. I ended up knocking down an entire display shelf at the store and ruined the moment. But hey in the end they are still together!


43. Happily Ever After

I had a single colleague, my girlfriend had a single friend (female), we dropped them in a group msn chat and me and my gf left immediately.

They are together for 10 years and have two kids.


42. Years Down The Line

My GF (now fiance) and I had a special relationship with her best friend. My best friend tells me he's had a crush on her best friend, and was trying to figure out how to ask her to prom. After making sure he was cool with our 'history', I told him just to ask her.

He then proceeds to ask her what she would like for a promposal, then sneakily does those exact things while she isn't looking. Homemade cards, messing with slides on the teacher's presentations, and a few others. She of course said yes, and he just asked me about a week ago to be their best man.


41. Amicable Divorce

In the midst of divorce, I was talking with the soon to be ex about my best friend. Ended up giving him her number, and gave her his, and now they've been dating for 7 months and things are serious.

I miss seeing my best friend all the time, but at least I know if things continue to get serious my kids will have an awesome step mom.


40. Secondhand Serenade


This is the story about how my friend wingman'd me once. I was in a foreign country on my birthday and decided to go to a bar with my friend and some people from the hostel. The bartender there was pretty cute and one of the guys from our group successfully convinced him that, in our strange made-up country, it was custom to kiss the birthday person. I got a kiss on each cheek from the bartender and a serenade later thanks to my friend (no idea how she did that, though).


39. The Same Goals

Wingwomen here, my friend wanted to get together with one of my friends and didn't know how to, so I told him to just go ask her.

The stupid part was that my friend he wanted to ask out was about to ask him out.

38. Yikkity Yakkity

So kinda the opposite, because my friends were being anti-wingmen for me, but it's still a good story.

I was very involved in my youth group and so I went to this big international convention. This girl from across the country who I was originally supposed to get with there dumped me (to be fair I was being really awkward). Anyway, I became super depressed (at the time seeing her was the one thing I had going for me because other stuff had also been going on, although in hindsight she wasn't nearly as amazing as I made her out to be at the time).

Anyway, at this time Yik Yak was still a thing, and now you could meet and dm people through Yik Yak because they added handles. I decided to try this and met a girl. She sent a picture over Yik Yak to show me what she looked like. The picture didn't make her look as unattractive as she really was, and my standards had significantly dropped, so I was down to meet her up the last night of the convention. We tried to meet up a couple times but couldn't find each other, but she was still trying.

Anyway, I kinda came to my senses and realized I didn't wanna get with this girl, so then the following happened:

First, this girl I was friends with who used to have a crush on me prior to the time of the convention (I never liked her back like that) was kinda friendly with this girl who was trying to get with me, and when my friend heard her mention me by name, she told our mutual friend who also knew this girl trying to get with me. He just stalled her, and then after some time said "no!" and jokingly tackled her (he was a small guy and it wasn't like a real violent assault). The thing is this mutual friend was someone who I previously had some issues with, and after I found out about what he did I came to appreciate him more.

Second, one of my best friends, completely unbeknownst to me, also decided to look for someone on Yik Yak and met the same girl a bit later (I guess after she started to give up on me). Except here's the thing: my friend wasn't at the convention. He was at home (he lives in my home town). He just set his herd where the convention was so he could follow the shenanigans, and he has a hacked version of snapchat where he can use geofilters from wherever, so he decided to pretend he was there to screw around with her (my friend's kind of a jerk btw). Anyway, it was a nice coincidence because it got her off my tail.

Fast forward some time and we find out we're doing the same summer program (and it was a small program so we'd be seeing each other a lot). I felt bad and wanted to apologize to her about the whole situation at some point on the program. While on the program, I was talking to this other girl who I made friends with and I told her the story about what happened. She told me that she talked to the girl who was trying to get with me prior to the program.

At this point, she had set off a bunch of red flags during the program and every else grew to dislike her. I still kinda felt bad for accidentally leading her on and dealing with all that other stuff, but I am still glad that I really dodged a bullet there.


37. Abroad Is The Key To Your Heart

Four years ago my best friend was interning abroad and was often talking about not having a girlfriend. Once we were on the phone and I heard his roommate (a girl) asking him if he wanted to join her at the bar with another (girl) friend of hers. My best friend had already had pizza and beer and just wanted to stay home. I told him "If you're not going, I'm never talking to you anymore !", both of us obviously aware that that was an empty threat. He still went, met his roommate's friend and they dated for 3 months !

Then, two years ago, exactly the same situation. Internship abroad, no-girlfriend talk. I convinced him to install OkCupid and he met this girl once. He felt she was not "that" cute and didn't want to see her again. She asked him out for a second date, wanting to meet at the bar to dance. Same situation as before : already ate, already had a beer and I was on the phone with him when she asked. He didn't want to go but I spammed him with videos of the kind of dance they do in her country (bachata) and told him the exact same thing "If you're not going, I'm never talking to you anymore !". He reluctantly went, loved it and by the third date he was in love. They've been dating for the past two years now and just got engaged. They'll soon get married and I'm so proud and happy about it :')


36. Shoesies

It didn't work long term, but I took my buddies shoe, ran and gave it to the girl he had a crush on. I just ran up to her and said "hey can you hold this for me" She looked confused and said okay. He had to go and talk to her to get his shoe back and she was so confused as to why she had his shoes that it gave them a conversation starter which then led to them going on a few dates.


35. International Relations

I once managed it from the other side of the globe, which I was impressed by.

I had two friends. One from Girl Scout Camp, and the other from college, but we bonded over working summers at Girl Scout camps, and being queer.

So my college friend mentioned that she was doing graduate work in Dunedin. She told me in PMs that she was having a hard time meeting queer women in this new place.

It was the very town my camp friend lived in (I knew because I'd visited). I also knew she had a thing for American girls (I walked in on her making out with the lifeguard at camp and didn't out her, and she was dating a different American student when I visited. I had a huge crush on her, but never made a move because I never saw her single). I didn't know the current relationship status of the Kiwi friend, so I just told my college friend that I knew someone who could probably show her around. I then asked my Kiwi friend if she'd help my college friend figure out where to meet women. When they were both keen on the idea, I gave them the others contact info.

A month later I saw that they were in a relationship. I thought I did well from so far away.


34. ARK

I was the wingman for my older sister when I was in 8th grade. She had a crush on some guy in high school but was too shy to talk to. I asked her what his name was and she said his name was "bob". My sister overheard him talk about Ark: Survival Evolved on PS4, so I went to the nearest GameStop and bought Ark: Survival Evolved on my PS4. One day I shadowed her at her high school for a day and talked to him because he was 2 seats in front of my sister in their class. I asked what console he plays on, and he said PS4. I said I do to and asked for his username so I can friend him later.

The day comes and I set a little server for just me, my sister (we have to share) and him. Before I told him the password for the private server, I tweaked a bunch of things to be easier for my sister, who never played a game so hard. I turned Dinosaur Damage to 10%, and multiplied XP boost and gave my sister a tutorial.

He comes online and I give him the password and hand the controller to my sister. They had a great time and I heard from her that they talk a lot more now and are considering going on a date soon


33. Nerds Are In Now

Oof, Craigslist.

This was maybe 10 years ago. A good friend of mine was having trouble in love. Typical nerd, had a nice place, job etc. but kept meeting girls that liked him up until they saw his shelves of video games, manga etc.

Me and another friend made a post for him on Craigslist without his knowledge. The post was honest. It explained the situation, listed his qualities both good and bad and had a few pictures.

We didn't pose AS him, we were honest about that too.

Got maybe 5 actual responses, we vetted that down to two that wanted to go on a date and then told him everything. He took it well and went on the dates. I was best man at him and girl #2's wedding, and they are still happily married.

They asked me not to mention Craigslist in my BM speech, it already had a fairly bad stigma and I just had no idea


32. Drugs Are Always A Good Negation

I mentioned this once, but I was an anti wing man.

My buddy wanted to go home with this girl he just met that was into him too, but he had a girlfriend and felt he should be faithful ( he should've broke up with her, it was complicated). He mentions I'm part of the package and I caught on with what he was doing and acknowledged it. She agreed.

Didn't expect that. I then say I'm not feeling it tonight. Buddy's is like oh no...I guess the plans are off. She pulls me over and shows me her friends, tells me to pick 2. That's just not me, but I stare for a bit and finally tell her, I'm still not feeling it. I then go into this semi depressed, its okay guys, you can go back together, I'll be okay. My friend is doing a no, I can't do that to my ______ bear. He's making a pouty face. All of this goes on for a bit.

She's getting frustrated, goes to the bathroom with her friends. My buddy refuses to ghost her, but wants an excuse to not go home with her. They come back and sit down. My time to shine. I get between them, put my arms on both of their shoulders. I ask, " do you ladies want to smoke some." They freak out and run off. Problem solved.
Ridiculous plan worked technically in both directions.


31. Eternal Gratitude

Andrew if you ever read this, Still can't thank you enough for this one.

I am the person that got the girl, and Andrew was the "wing" man for this. I had a big crush on a classmate back in freshman year, I kept hinting at her and talking to her about wanting to date her but she always refused me. Being down in the dumps, our mutual friend (wingman) kept pushing her away because she had a crush on him. So he told her why aren't you dating so and so? He has been working on dating you for over half a year now. He really wants to date you, you know that. She is Vietnamese and the whole reason why she wasn't dating me, was because of the whole date within race mindset from her parents. Strict Parents. She was afraid of her parents, and our friend just told her love has no boundaries or reason to be held back. Next day when I got her a valentines candy gram at school, she confessed to me and we dated for two years.

Thank you again Andrew if you read this.

[username deleted]

30. Not So Eternal Gratitude


I don't think this counts but here we go.

I got told by my ex that his best friend liked my best friend. I told the best friend as a joke and she looked dead serious at me and said "really? That's amazing!"

So that's how I ended up having to spend a year hanging with my emotionally manipulative ex while our vest friends went out and did nothing but hug and talk.

We were 16.


29. Creation

Me and two friends were supposed to go to the gym, but I got lazy and decided to take them to a pool my ex worked at to visit her, then i took on him on the slides and i knew the girl working the slides, I thought id be funny and slide down so that he would have to wait up there and talk to her... I waited 15 minutes at the bottom of the slide only to walk back up to them laughing and talking. They have been together for almost a year now and they are beyond happy. Fun Fact Im known as Wingman god between all my friends.


28. I Just Wanted A Coke....

He was to afraid to ask her so I wrote a letter without him knowing and I tell her to go to the vending machine and I tell my bro to go there and I would catch up 2 minutes later they are making out.


27. Paid

Was chilling outside the club with the girl I had a crush on at that time. We were just talking and complaining about the bad music and stuff, when suddenly a random drunk guy came up to us and blurted "Now kiss her already". Worked out, we dated for a while.

Years later I found out, that my best friend actually 'hired' this dude for a beer to get us together.


26. How To Set Them Up

I wanted two of my friends to meet, so when friend A was moving I told her my buddy has a truck and we we would come help. Then I told her I couldn't make it for some reason but my friend was still willing to help. He helped her move that day and now they have been together for 10 years and married for 6.


25. Lazy Success

My roommate was planning on going to this big casino night charity thing the rec-league we played in was hosting. I couldn't go and he was texting me saying he was thinking of bailing rather than go alone. I texted a lady friend of mine and was like "aren't you going to this? Can my roommate tag along with you so he's not by himself?" I then texted them each other's phone numbers. They hooked up that night and dated for a couple months. I wing manned both of them without even leaving my couch. It was probably my finest wing man moment.


24. Makin' Eyes

I worked at a movie theater for a few years in high school/college. Most of us employees were aged 16-25ish and were a bunch of immature jerks having fun while working and getting into trouble together after work. In the same shopping center, there was a fast food restaurant that a school friend of mine worked. Us theater employees would regularly walk over to said restaurant for lunch.

One day, like many others, we were making inappropriate jokes while cleaning a theater after a showing, and one friend joked about how he hadn't gotten any in a while. I jokingly volunteered my fast food friend to assist my theater friend with his "problem". Later that day we wound up at the fast food place for our break and, lo and behold, fast food friend was working. Their eyes met over the register and that was it. They got married the summer after we graduated. Eleven years and one kid later, they are still together.


23. Mental Gymnastics

My best friend had confusing feelings about this guy (he liked her tho) so she set me up on a date with him, we went to the movies, they get together like the week after because she got jealous about the date and realized she actually really liked him. They've been together for over a year now. Also wingwoman I guess


22. Connection In An Isolating Age

I felt like they fit so without asking her, I sent her picture to him on snapchat with a caption "oh I miss my bff" he immediately asked who she was and I said my close friend and oh by the way she's from the same town as you so you probably know her? To which he answered no but what's her name? So I told him and then I was like you know what? Maybe you should meet! So I gave him her number after asking her.

They didn't end up with each other though. They're now both married to different people.


21. C. Profit

A. Make this guy ask out all the girls in the school out. Obviously get told no

B.Girl takes pity and asks him out


i don't know why it worked it just did


20. Rebound


She was alone at the bar. A few friends and I were at a table having a few. One friend is getting over a breakup. We both need a new drink. I go up to the bar and order 3. Start talking to the girl. She seems nice. She's open to talking. And she's cute. Bartender brings back 3 beers. I wave my friend over. Hand her a beer. Hand him a beer. Get my beer "I think you two have a lot in common." and walk away. He got her number. They went on a date. It didn't work out cause he wasn't over his ex. But hey I tried.


19. Life Happening

My friend met a guy at my bachelorette party in a different city in 2002. They started dating immediately after. I got married, divorced 9 years later, was single for two years, dated a new guy for 4 years and married him two years ago. Those two are still together. And I'll be the first to admit I never thought they'd last. Good for them.


18. Now My Sister In Law

My first year in grad school there was a girl I thought would be perfect for my brother. So, I started joking with her that she was going to marry my brother. I sent around a picture of him one day when he was home from Iraq and she said he was cute. A few months later he was assigned to a base near her hometown. She went home to visit her parents and I sent them both an e-mail saying they should have coffee.

She married my brother.


17. We Will Never Know

One of my friends did this for his friend from home and I got to witness it first hand. A couple years ago in college, my friend invited me and a few other people to go to bars with him because he has a friend visiting. The friend's 21st was that weekend so he decided to wingman for the friend.

They both caught the attention of a cute blonde. Anyways, my friend eventually started making out with the girl but then 10 minutes later whispered something to the girl and the girl went to his friend and they apparently hooked up that night. My friends and I that tagged along were confused and shocked. If you ask him about it to this day, he doesn't remember because he was drunk and we will never learn about how that wingman technique worked.


16. Elaborate Lives

I walked up at our friends' wedding and started dancing with the girl that my roommate wanted to talk to. We danced for like 2 minutes and then I purposely cut myself out and redirected her to him instead. It was also an open bar, so at the time I was enough drinks in to assume it was a good idea. Low and behold, it was. They talked and got to know each other for about 2 weeks before realizing that their opposite life schedules wouldn't work out.


15. Sashay far away.

Pushed buddy into cute girl on dance floor, they got to talking, ended up married, kid, moved to England. Whole plan took like 3 seconds to come up with. Now I just miss my friend.


You literally pushed your friend out of your life... impressive, and a tad depressing.


14. Who needs to play then you've already won?

I invited some friends over to play Monopoly because I like to play Monopoly. It was the first time they met. They realized I was going to play the "all house no hotel" strategy so they strategized to gang up on me.

It's been 10 years and they're still together.

They still won't play monopoly with me.


That's how you know you've played monopoly correctly.


They scored the ultimate monopoly, life with each other.


13. Those were the days.

When I was in like 5th grade I walked up to a girl for my best friend said "hey my friend has a crush on you" started giggling and ran away they "dated" for a year.


I feel like it swings back around to this the older you get. If you're the single friend, you tend to get introduced to the other single friend at backyard bbqs. We all know why they were both invited.


12. Taking the initiative, eh?

I told my bro that I was going to hook him up with someone in a blind date. He agreed.

I knew he had a crush on a girl already, so I went and straight up told her:

"Hey, so I told my best friend (name) I was going to set him up with a blind date, and I already knew he's got a slight thing for you. Would you be interested? I haven't told him I knew he's a little into you so it's a bit of a secret."

"Yeah, I'm in," she replied.

And that's how I hooked them up in a "blind date".

Stupid, because I lied, I didn't actually have any sort of plan at all, I made it up as I went. Two, because I had already spilled the beans about my friend by the time I realized this was a dangerous game. In fairness, he didn't tell me he liked her, I inferred it by myself. So I don't feel like I betrayed any trust there.

Not the craziest story, I know, but it's what I've got.

EDIT: Sorry! Forgot the important bit. Figured it was implied by OPs request. They got together for a while before mutually breaking it off. It was a good break up, they just weren't right for each other.


11. This was a lot of work.

My best friend at the time said that I would make a good couple with one of my friends. Just to tease her, I started joking around that she had liked that same friend.

I very casually asked my friend if he liked her, to which he responded in a very unorganized and panicked manner, telling me that he was interested. I relayed this information over to my best friend, who was equally flustered and panicked. I continued relaying information between the two of them and over the course of 3 weeks, I had peer pressured these two people to get to know each other. They were in a "getting to know each other" phase for a month or two before dating officially.

Unfortunately, they lasted exactly one month and don't talk to each other anymore.


10. The straights are not okay.

On my best friends' first date with the girl I set him up with, they made out a few times. Later that day she called me and said that she doesn't want to see him any more because his breath was absolutely terrible. I told her that he said the same thing about her breath (a total lie) and that she should be nicer and give him another chance. Now they've been together for 11 months.


9. The duty was done, dutifully.

There was a girl I really liked and I thought she liked me too, but my best friend was having a really rough year and always talked about her so I decided to be the bigger man. Standing outside a party wasted on Halloween I convinced them to eat a Fruit by the Foot from either end like Lady and the Tramp. When they got to the middle I yelled kiss and they did. They ended up going on a couple dates but he blew it and now she hates me too.


Very adorable human behavior. 10/10 wingman.


8. This is how you do it.

Writing this to commend my friend for being a wingman for me but I was at a party this year with the express intent of finally talking to the girl I liked back in high school before we all graduated in 2018.

Kept holding off on approaching her and striking up a conversation so my friend went up to her and pretty much said "hey my friend basically hates everyone but he really likes you and he really wants to talk to you but hes too much of a b to approach you, could you please talk to him and just see how things go."

So she came up to me and we started talking and things went well.

We've now been dating for a month and things have been great.


7. Wingmaning by proxy.

i was a stranger's wingman. Got the job done for him and I don't even know his name.

I have a female friend who messaged me that the most embarrassing thing had happened to her. She has an "open house." Any of her friends may walk in at any time if they need anything. One of her friends walked in while she was pleasing herself. Not just a little bit, but full on.

But also turned on. She had been going through a months long dry spell, and the guy was very attractive. He came in because he needed somewhere to stay for the weekend. I think they were fumigating his house? I'm not sure, it's been years.

So there she is, hours later, kids are in bed and she's watching a movie with this guy, when she messages me again. She wants to sleep with him, but he hasn't made a move. She's from a family where the woman never makes the first move, she hasn't even considered the possibility. I not only talk her into it, but I talk her through it. It takes an hour, most of which was building up her confidence enough to just do it. She said it was great sex. She thanked me for helping her out.

The next day I tell a different friend that I had done this. He looks thoughtful for a minute, and he says "Ya know, I wonder how many times a girl wanted to sleep with me me but no one was there to talk me through it."


6. Extreme but effective.

I pretended to be a gay boyfriend to my "bi" friend so he could get closer to her. We "broke up" and they got together.




Yeah, he was my homie.


5. Getting schwifty.

To preface this, I'm a fairly big guy, gentle giant type, not so gentle when drunk. I was drinking with my gf at the time and our mutual friend at a club. Mutual Friend spotted a guy dancing with his mates and told me she thought he was cute. I was fairly inebriated and thought it would be a great idea to dance into his friend circle, dance/hipthrust him out of said circle, and forcibly dance him into the arms of Mutual Friend.

They dated for 4 years after that so it was a success but probably wouldn't recommend that tactic.


I tried to picture that in my head, and it's hilarious. You basically became a human bulldozer.


4. What a bro.

Wingman recipient here.

My best buddy knew I wanted this girl but I didn't know how to pull the trigger. This girl was gorgeous. He was outgoing and good friends with this girl. He also knew she was into me. The three of us were wasted at a party at her house. He told us to come upstairs to her room. In her room he said we were gonna play a game and all strip down to our underwear.

By the time she and I were down to our undies, he was fully clothed still, gave me a butt smack and closed the door as he left the room.....

closed the deal, twice.....

Never forgot it.


Lol. His plan was simply "get them naked."


3. She's a mess.

My college roommate was heavily flirting with this one guy from our dorm. He hadn't officially asked her out, but it was pretty clear he wanted to. And that Roommate had a huuuuge crush on him.

Problem was, there was another guy who'd been hitting on her. He was creepy (I don't mean that in the "ew, he wasn't hot" way- he'd get overly sexual and physically aggressive at frat parties to the point where multiple frats banned him). Roommate didn't like him, but kept talking to him because she had weird emotional issues about saying "no" to people and blowing them off.

So she wasn't making it clear which guy she liked, they were kinda fighting over her, and the whole thing came to a head right before they were gonna leave for a frat party. Creeper demanded she pick who she was "going" to the party with.

I half shouted, "Well she HAS to pick [Roommate's Crush.] She owes him for teaching her pool today."

Roommate's Crush jumped on that, claimed his "right" to take Roommate to the party, and they were officially dating by the end of the night.


How does it end?


Badly. But it was probably Roommate's fault. She was a neurotic mess and CRAZY high-maintenance.

Like, over Valentine's Day, our dorm had this thing where they put hearts on our doors so everybody could anonymously write nice things about one another. She counted the number of nice things on everybody's heart, averaged them, and had a meltdown when she got one less compliment than the floor average. I came back from class and found her curled up in a ball, SOBBING, in her closet. Took me two hours to calm her down, and I only managed it by convincing her that her friends were procrastinators and hadn't gotten around to doing the hearts yet. (That night, I snuck out of the room at 2 am with a bunch of different pens and wrote random nice things on her heart, and several other people's because if I just wrote on her's she'd have figured out it was me and had another meltdown about being "pitied.")

I can't imagine what dating that mess was like.


2. Sometimes roommates know best.

So I'm the one who got coupled up, but here it is. For about 4 months my roommate would invite this girl over to watch trash movies together, once a week. I had no intention with getting together with her cus she is 2 years older and obviously out of my league. It worked because he didn't tell me that this was his plan, because otherwise I would definitely have messed it up. Once we started dating he came up to me and spilled the beans, and said "I was close to losing all hope with you, finally."


1. Be who you are, and accept nothing less.

Oh I actually have one! I have a friend with a medical condition called Alopecia, which makes the person lose all the hair on their body. She suffered from depression and really low self esteem because of this, and always wore a wig.

So we were at a party 10 years ago, and she saw this guy that she found very interesting. I told her to go talk to him, but she didn't dare to. So I asked her to come with me to the bathroom, and when we passed the guy I gave her a small push so she kinda fell into him. Well, they spent the rest of the night talking and started dating.

Then one day about two weeks later she called me crying saying she really liked this guy, but she was so afraid of him finding out she didn't have any hair and wore a wig. I told her to go tell him, and if he didn't accept that part of her, he didn't deserve the rest of her.

She called me that evening saying she told him and that they were now boyfriend and girlfriend. Today, ten years later they are happily married and expecting their second baby :')


People Confess How They Thought Babies Were Made When They Were Little

Reddit user lLoveYourCat asked: 'How did you think babies were made when you were little?'

Person holding newborn baby
Photo by Jill Sauve on Unsplash

In the United States, it's no secret that sex education for minors is inconsistent at best.

But some people learned very unexpected stories about how babies were made, and those stories had a way of making a lasting impression.

Curious about other's stories, Redditor ILoveYourCat asked:

"How did you think babies were made when you were little?"

One Time's the Charm

​"I knew babies came from sex as a fairly young child. My parents never sugar-coated that. But for some reason, as a kid, I thought you only had to have sex once to have multiple pregnancies. I seriously didn't fix that misunderstanding until early middle school."

- Crazey1988

"At some point, when I finally accepted that you had to have sex to have a baby, I thought the only time people have sex was to make a baby, and it only took one time to get the job done."

"Then when I figured out teenagers were having sex, I thought you had to be married and have sex to make a baby, but then when my unmarried cousin got pregnant, I was just confused."

"But I was sure my parents only had sex four times, and then when my mom got pregnant with number five, I thought, 'Wow, they did it again.'"

- Raw_Combination_438

Stealing Storks

"A stork delivered them, of course. What the f**k, lol (laughing out loud)."

- Dells51

"Storks... I thought people trained them to steal babies from a factory and you would leave special treats on your doorstep as payment and encouragement for the stork to steal one for you."

"I was scared to death of birds for the longest time and would have a tantrum at the zoo when I saw a flamingo."

- No_Finish_3144

Young Conspiracy Theorist

"The government. I used to think that we lived in a totalitarian society and that the government was in complete control of everything."

- bebotak**t

"I thought the President sent people their babies when asked by mail."

- GustavoAlex7789

Scheduled Baby Delivery

"The women in my family explained to me at the age of six that a doctor calls you sometime after reaching adulthood at the age of 18 to schedule a baby delivery date."

"The husband either pays to schedule the appointment or the government does after verifying that you have been married and financially stable for quite some time."

- Lokikat00

Marital Kissing

"When two people kissed."

- Short-Reality7353

"I thought the same thing, but I understood that when my mom gave me a kiss, there was no risk. Being someone raised in a very Christian background, I assumed that when you got married, God made kissing a reproductive act."

"Since I made this assumption, I remember questioning why teenage pregnancy could possibly be an issue."

- meuserj

The Ultimate Christmas Gift

​"I thought Santa was bringing them."

- NorskoTheScorpion

"He was. I mean, Christmas comes but once a year..."

- Nouveauuuu


- NorskoTheScorpion

A New Meaning to 'Forest Friends'

"When I used to ask my dad where I came from, he'd say he found me under a rock in the forest. Of course, I would go look for babies under rocks, too, but all I ever saw was dirt and those rolly-polly pill bug thingies."

"It was so gross thinking babies were just found THERE that I was actually relieved to find out how they were actually made!"

- melodie-artist

Pregnant By Proximity

"I thought women got pregnant by just being around a man, and I was always confused about what would happen if a woman still lived with her parents or dad after she’s an adult."

- ILoveYourCat

Coming of Age Story

"I thought it was a 'just happens once you reach a certain age' sorta thing. As a woman, I was terrified because pregnancy sounds like the most awful thing, lol (laughing out loud)."

"(I know the end result is worth it but even as a 31-year-old, I'm like, nope.)"

- BansheeShriek

Sounds Plant-Based

"I thought they grew like a seed inside the mother's belly."

- maclaglen

"Technically, that’s true."

- ManagementFresh4960

"Watermelon seeds."

- bravovice

"Well, not like that."

- ManagementFresh4960

The Power of Marriage

"My mum told me you couldn't have a baby if you weren't married. Note that she said 'couldn't', not 'shouldn't'."

"When my unmarried cousin was sleeping a lot my mum told my aunt 'she's having a baby'. I thought 'she can't be having a baby, she isn't married.'"

"A couple of weeks later she had an engagement party, quickly followed by a registry office wedding. She had a baby a few months later."

- MolassesInevitable53

Baby Trees

"I thought they grew on trees. True story."

- 8inchsalvatorre

"Baby trees, lol (laughing out loud)."

- ILoveYourCat

"I was surprised when I learned how it really happened, lol. I was like, 'You mean there are no trees?' And Mom just shook her head."

- 8inchsalvatorre

They Were Just There

"I don't recall a time where I gave the matter any thought without knowing the reality of it."

"Like, literally, until the day I was first introduced to the concept of birth, I don't think I cared where babies came from."

- N_Who

"Right, the little guys just EXISTED."

- Mizar97

Educated Is Best

"I asked my mom and she told me the truth."

"Educate your kids, folks. They can handle it."

- Bite_Me_23

Spontaneous Babies

"I didn’t... They just showed up, honestly."

- badguywindow

"That’s what I thought. I was terrified as a little kid that I’d wind up being a teenage mother because I thought it just happened spontaneously."

- dinosore

"Exactly what I thought would happen. Like one day you were just, boom, six months pregnant."

- badguywindow

While these responses might be funny, it's an important reminder of an area in the educational system that's often lacking.

But in the meantime, while the system's curriculum is getting sorted out, at least we can take comfort in the fact that we weren't alone in believing these tall tales.

View of eye chart through a pair of spectacles
David Travis/Unsplash

One of life's many challenges to being successful and happy is to work hard and stay focused on our respective goals.

There are many obstacles that can discourage us, but persistence and a drive to overcome can be rewarding.

Unfortunately, there are some things that are simply beyond our control, and it has nothing to do with fate.

It's the qualities we're either born with or without that can impede us or prevent us from ever achieving what can only be seen as a pipe dream.

Curious to hear examples of one of life's cruelties, Redditor G00dR1ddance asked:

"How did your genetics f'k you over?"

These Redditors were unhappy with appearances.

Uncooperative Vision

"Lazy eye, and a total lack of depth perception."

– Crow_of_Judgem3nt

"Same. Do you struggle with driving? I just moved to a big city and I can’t drive here bc navigating all the traffic is too hard with no depth perception. It’s so scary!"

– Subnautica24

The Worst Parts

"Moms Family: Perfect teeth, male baldness. Dad's family: Terrible teeth, perfect hairline."

"Me: Sh**ty teeth, bald before 25. My 2 brothers: Perfect Teeth, Perfect Hairline."

"Feels FN bad."

– Yogannath

"They should all chip in for a trip for you to Turkey for a cheap hair transplant and dental work."

– turboprop123

Made For Farming

"All 4 grandparents were farmers. I look like I was bred to farm and f**k to make more little farm workers. Broad shoulders, big boobs, no waist, no @ss worth mentioning, and thick legs. I just look like I was bred to work forever until I die. 120 years ago."

– bwvdub

Stop With The Flattery

"I too am sturdily built. I am not tall but I am muscular and broad with the big boobs and the broad hips and sturdy legs. I could carry very heavy sacks of feed from when I was very small. My family nickname was 'the forklift truck', so that's.. nice."

– LibraryOfFoxes

Room For More

"My mother’s OB said she had a pelvis ‘you could drive a bus through’. I was a natural breach birth and share those genetics. You could host the last supper on my a** and have room for plus ones."

– Elephant_axis

These Redditors are living on borrowed time.

Cardiovascular Health

"Bad heart. I'm the first male in at least 4 generations to make it to 40. And that's only because I was finally properly diagnosed and treated. I wouldn't have made it to 35 if I didn't find the right cardiologist."

– socteachpugdad

"Bum ticker - dad’s aorta exploded when I was 11 and my brother died from the second heart at 41. Just hoping to see my 60s."

– poontong

Being Kept At Bay

"I have a blood condition where I retain iron. It's slowly killing me. Destroyed my liver, pancreas, and led to a massive heart attack."

​"Fortunately, I live in the 21st century where modern medicine can keep me going with...bleeding."​

– Objective_Stick8335

"Sad Aspect" Of A Family

"Huntington's disease"

– alc1864

"My oldest uncle married a woman who had Huntington's, but they were very young and she wasn't symptomatic yet. In the 70s so no genetic testing or much public awareness. They had 5 daughters. My aunt and their eldest have long since passed away, and the remaining 4 are in various stages of the disease. It's always been a sad aspect of our family. A truly cruel disease."

– Wasyloosker12

BRCA Genes

"I’m BRCA2 positive, giving me roughly 74% chances of developing an incurable genetic breast cancer in my life. It also gives me about 22% of having an ovarian cancer."

"On the other side, double mastectomy lowers my chances to about 3%, but it should ideally be done before I reach 30. I will also need a hysterectomy in my 40s."

"I had 50/50 chance of getting the BRCA2 gene mutation so well, genetics did f'k me over!"

– PoutineMaker

Redditors share more of their crosses to bear in life after being blessed with these traits.

"I'm more attractive to mosquitoes than most people. If I'm out when mosquitoes are around, I end up covered in bites (which I'm also allergic to, so I end up with quarter sized welts that itch for daaaays after the fact)."

– p1013

It's sobering to realize the ailments your parents struggled with are starting to become our own to bear. ​

High blood pressure, arthritis, and predisposition to atherosclerosis are some of the undesirable parts of my family's genetic makeup that I never really thought about until I noticed how fatigued and in pain I've become with age.

Although I have so much gratitude for surviving every year I get to celebrate my birthday, getting old still sucks.

Silhouette of man leaving an office carrying a briefcase
Photo by Roth Melinda on Unsplash

Being let go from your job is never a pleasant experience.

Particularly if it comes out of nowhere, without any possible warning that this was a possibility.

Even if it isn't any more pleasant, generally speaking, most people have at least an inkling of why they were let go.

Budgetary reasons, dissolved departments, being told you weren't meeting company standards, or bad blood with the boss.

As well as some less common, highly unusual reasons which at least might make a good story down the line.

Redditor Sweetlo123 was curious to hear from people who were let go from their jobs, and why they were met with this fate, leaving them to ask:

"What did you get fired for?"

For Standing Up For What's Right.

"We were told we get OT for night work."

"The new 'company manager' let it slip that we don't actually get OT for night work, so when I was scheduled for five nights in a row working on a transmission line cell site I mentioned that I expect everyone working from our company on site get OT."

"Once it was said that we won't get OT and that it wasn't an actual policy (was written in employee handbook), I forwarded the email chain to the entire company and leadership at Verizon."

"I was canned, but now everyone gets OT for night work."

"My life is better now anyway and got my people what the deserve."- drklunk

This Was Never Going To End Well...

"Aggressively squeezing breakfast muffins lol."

"I was a few days into working at Mcds and someone complained I gave them a muffin that was too hard-they bake them at like 3 am and sit in a warmer all day."

"This was before they had the full bakery menu, I think muffins was the only thing baked and maybe cookies."

"So my manager told me to squeeze them before I hand them out."

"Me being a dumb teenager squeezed the s*it out of these muffins and got another complaint."

"They stopped scheduling me, haha."- eatmyknuts

You Have To Do The Work To Get Paid...

"I just stopped working and began only attending meetings."

"Lasted almost 9 months that way before they let me go."- frantictossing

martin freeman sleeping GIFGiphy

Wrong Time, Wrong Place

"I was fired after a month into my first job at a local pizza joint when I was 16."

"They called me during the Super Bowl and said I had to come in."

"I told them I was out of state without a car so no way I could make it."

"They said I should’ve known this was one of the busiest days of the year and I should’ve stayed in the area."

"I came in to work my next shift and they just gave me my paycheck and said they had to let me go for not being a team player."

"10 years later I was fired from a job in tech because I refused to move out of state."

"This one hurt a lot more."- seventyfive1989

Hard Not To Say They Had It Coming...

"The company's timeclock software ran off of the computers time, so when I was late I would just close the software, change the time back to before shift start and then clock in and change it back."

"The supervisor who showed me the trick fired me."

"A day or two later he saw me pulling in late, and when he went over the time info that day, it showed me clocked in on time."

"He knew why."- Grief-Inc

Nepotism Always Screws Someone Over...

"Worked at a gas station and was a sucker for the free soda."

"I would drink a few 24 oz glasses of Dr. Pepper (don’t judge) per shift and had to piss relatively frequently."

"I usually worked with the same lady every shift and every shift my drawer came up short even like $10-20 bucks."

"One day my usual co-worker was off and I worked with another lady who warned me to watch my drawer around the other and hers had been short when she was around."

"That got me to thinking."

"The next shift with the usual lady I stuck some receipt paper into the lip of the bottom of my drawer and hit the bead."

"When I came back the paper was on the floor."

"My drawer was short $20 at shift change and my boss fired me."

"I told her of my findings and asked her to review the security tape."

"She told me to f*ck right off the other lady had been there years."

"I left heart broken and rented some VHS tapes to indulge in and recover."

"One of the movies was Casino and man is that a good movie."

"Come to find out the usual lady was the boss lady’s cousin and they f*ckin told people I knew I got fired for stealing money."

"I though about calling a lawyer but also, I was in high school and was delusional I suppose."

"I got out of that town after high school and rarely return, especially considering all my family moved off."- woohhaa

Snl Smiling GIF by Saturday Night LiveGiphy

The Age Old Story Of Men In Power

"Caught the boss stealing."

"So he fired me."

"His word vs. mine and it didn't go my way."- freezingprocess

People Tend To Get What They Deserve

"Embezzled almost $500,000 from the doctor's office I worked at."

"Oh no, wait."

"That was my former supervisor who did that...26 years after she fired me for taking home a left over slice of pizza after a drug rep hosted a pizza party for the office staff."

"Karma can take a long time, but it always comes through."- YourFront

Late To The Game...

"Being the last hired when they instituted layoffs."- BubbhaJebus

Some Plans Can't Be Cancelled

"1970s YES 'Close to the Edge' tour."

"I had my tickets and had the request approved for time off, they changed their mind at the last minute and would not let me off."


"Left anyways and was genuinely surprised when I got back on Monday and they informed me that I was fired."-AmandaBRecondwith

Treat Others Like You Want To Be Treated

"My boss was talking sh*t about me to employees, and I confronted her with 'how would you expect the people below me to respect me when you show them that you don’t?'"

"She didn’t like it and literally went crying to the owners, who then fired me for 'causing problems'.”- Successful-Snow-562

For Literally Doing What They Were Supposed To

"I got fired for slacking off and underperforming at work by taking my legally required lunch."- 10leej

Hungry Lets Eat GIF by TRTGiphy

They Couldn't Have Waited One Day?

"Worked as a QA tester for an online game company."

"Found bug while on my personal account at home."

"Came in the next day and reported the bug."

"I was VERY clear I found the bug while playing at home on my personal account."

"It was a nasty bug that let you duplicate very expensive items."

"A few weeks later someone in customer service was checking the logs for people exploiting the bug."

"They found mine and the company decided to fire me on my birthday."

"That was around 15 years ago but it still upsets me every year, on my birthday."- PedanticCyborg

While most believe "ignorance is bliss", anyone handed a pink slip deserves to know why.

Even if sometimes the reason gives no closure whatsoever, and instead only results in even more questions.

These Clueless Family Members Were 'Just Trying To Help'
Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

Having the support of family is a dream; they're always there when you need them, willing to lend a helping hand. However, sometimes family members are completely clueless, and their assistance has adverse effects. Here Redditors tell of what went down when their family thought they were helping when in reality, their good intentions were horribly misplaced.

My Sister Did Quite The Job On Me

My Sister Did Quite The Job On Me

One day, my little sister asked for my CV so she could base her own on it. A few days later, I got an email from Google Dublin telling me that my job application had been rejected. A conversation with my very embarrassed sister revealed that my mother had put her up to it. They sat down together and filled out the job application. When I saw what they wrote, I wanted to scream.

They included gems such as, “Q: Why do you want to work for Google? A: Because I LOVE technology'”. I imagine whoever viewed my application thought it quite ballsy for a music and Chinese language graduate to apply for the post of “Senior Technical Programmer”.


Grandma Doesn’t Let Up

Grandma Doesn’t Let Up

My girlfriend and I both have great full-time jobs starting in our careers. My family lives about 60 miles away in my hometown. My grandmother sends us clippings from the newspaper of random job postings in hopes I will move back home. They are all completely unconnected to our jobs. Every month when we visit, she also insists that we should set up an apartment in her basement and live there instead of having to pay rent somewhere. I love her dearly, but that would be just a little too weird.


My Mom Hit A Sour Note

My Mom Hit A Sour Note

My mother is a professional musician and had no greater desire than for me to be the same. Immediately after entering college, I completely minimized my time in music as much as possible to maintain my scholarship and put all my energy into medical biology. I was doing two doctorates in the medical sciences, so it is not like I slacked off.

Almost a year after I did this, my mother somehow found out. She then called the school, and multiple people in the music department, demanding that they require me to spend more time with music and get me back to “acceptable” levels of performance.


A Publix Humiliation

My grandfather insisted I call some random teacher he met at the grocery store to "set up an internship" for my last semester of college when I would have to student teach. No amount of explaining could convince him that that was not how it was done. I would have to apply through my university and my county, and they would assign me a classroom and a teacher. It started to get painful.

He would call once a week and say I was ungrateful for not taking him up on his help when he had worked so hard, and why couldn't I just make one small effort to help my future and secure a classroom? I felt awkward because it's pretty weird to call up someone your grandfather met at Publix and explain that you don't need their help.

Eventually, I started feeling guilty and called this woman up. When she picked up, I said, "Hello, my grandfather gave me your number because he thinks that—" and she responded with, "Don't worry, sweetie. He pretty much old man guilted me to give him my number. I know you can't control where you're placed in your internship. Bye". It was really awkward.


The Taste Of Embarrassment

Former Quiznos Subs Sign Downtown Miami | Completely empty i… |

When I was 18, my friend who was a cook offered me a delivery job at Quiznos; I told my mom that I was thinking about it. She got mad, emailed Quiznos corporate office, and said how it was irresponsible to offer me a job and that the manager was terrible. But that wasn't the end of the embarrassment. The message went to the manager, who went to my friend, who read it—embarrassingly—in a car full of my friends.


Mom, The Pickup Artist

I'm 26 years old, and every time I'm out with my mom, she tries her hardest to pick up girls for me, no matter the place. She's left my number for cute waitresses, girls that helped me into fitting rooms, bartenders, etc. It's never subtle, either. It’s always, "My son is single, you know? And very handsome and has a job and car".


Stop The Music!

My dad forced me to stop taking guitar lessons because "It is affecting your grades". I maintained a 4.0 in high school, did all of my homework, and would then proceed to play guitar for about eight hours a day. He actually threatened to burn my $800 Schecter. I have no idea why he thought it was ruining my life; I had a job, studied, and just loved music.


The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

My mom once mowed the lawn while I was out to "help me get my chores done”. It was a disaster. She put the blade on as low as it went and it absolutely scalped the lawn. She had shorn it all the way down to bare dirt. There was even dirt blowing all over the yard, but she said she "didn't notice". It took months for the grass to grow back.


What Once Was Too Much Is No More

My mother did a thousand things that drove me insane. She would write my name on my underwear, on every book I owned, and engrave it onto things that wouldn't keep ink. She'd do the laundry, but seemingly had no idea how to do laundry. My entire life she had to straighten things up, which consisted of taking everything in the room and putting it in one pile—papers, cell phones, empty coke cans, you name it.

This even occurred when I was 40 years old and in my own house with a wife and kids. She'd constantly tell me and my wife that we needed more furniture, more things on the walls, more knick-knacks, basically to clutter our house up like she had done to hers. She was a pretty annoying person for the most part, but she did cool stuff too, like give me money like take my wife shopping or babysit our kids.

She volunteered to babysit our kids on her 43rd anniversary despite having a stomach ache. The next day she went to the doctor where she found out she had cancer. The day after that she had an emergency operation which determined it was inoperable. She never left the hospital and passed two weeks later. Now, suddenly all that stuff that drove me insane doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore.


Meddlesome Mom Messed With My Mail

pile of printing papersPhoto by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

My mom opens all my letters, especially my bank statements. She once came across an invoice for an adult subscription. You think that's embarrassing? It gets soooo much worse. She instantly assumed someone had gained access to my account. So, she decided to phone the bank and tell them that fraudulent activity was taking place, and had my account frozen. Not only that, but because I am self-employed, she thought she would ring HM&Revenue, and tell them about it.

As a result, I ended up getting investigated to make sure all of my accounts and business purchases were legit. Her response was, “I know my precious baby would not be buying [racy videos]”. I'm 21 years old!


Trying To Put The Hit On Me

My mom insisted I needed a boyfriend since the age of 12 or I was a lesbian. Typical ways for Mexicans to meet other fornicating Mexicans were at weddings and Quinceneras. I've always been a book nerd/tomboy and my mom kept insisting I had to wear fewer clothes and would force short skirts and dresses on me. I hated getting hit on because all the guys that would had already slept with at least three of my cousins.

Thankfully, I was one of the few in my family who ended up not pregnant by the age of 15. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21—most of my cousins were married by then—and got married at the age of 24, and was able to prove once and for all that I liked men.


Duo Lingo Disaster

My wife's grandmother is Russian and wanted me to learn the language. So Babushka bought a huge carton of cassette tapes and handed them to me. When I saw what they said, it was so hard not to laugh. They were tapes...for Russians who wanted to learn English. She figured that I could listen to the Russian prompts, then hear the English parts, and reverse engineer the Russian language. Nyet. That's not how it works.


Hidden Figures

My mom is very religious and I'm not, so she hides religious icons all over my house. I'll find a crystal statue of the Virgin Mary in my toilet tank, little pictures of Jesus on my storage shelves in the basement, etc. It's always a little amusing when I find some random saint's picture stuffed into a book on my shelf. I probably have dozens of these things lying around that I haven't found yet.


Priorities, People!

My family is in the class under middle class. Through middle school and high school, going to the doctor was too expensive and our bills weren't ever paid on time. We had the financial credit of a squirrel. But my parents made it so much worse. It makes me sound shallow to say this to most people, but I was given well-intentioned, expensive, material things.

Clothes, cars, jewelry, technology—everything beyond our means—was bought for me and it was forced into my hands. Despite their best attempts, I remained frugal and money conscious. I have handed back 300-dollar watches and said, “Please just pay the bills”, only to be threatened to have them thrown away. Then, there were expensive clothes and shoes that were out of style.

Most of the clothes I liked were thrift store-bought or on sale, but I have 200-dollar coats hanging untouched in my closet. I can't be thankful for being handed essentially junk when there isn't enough food in the fridge or the lights go out.


Meddling Middle School Misfortune

boy leaning on brown wooden railingsPhoto by Tadeusz Lakota on Unsplash

When I was finishing primary school, our school gave us the choice of two middle schools to move to. One was really nice and in a decent area; the other was a little run down, and in a bad area, but was slightly nearer to where I lived. Naturally, even before seeing each school, the choice for me was an easy one. I would rather go to a nice school and suffer an extra 20 minutes of travel than the alternative.

This choice appeared to be shared with nearly everybody else as well and, as a result, we were told that not everybody would get their first choice. They would determine who would get into which school based on several factors. I figured I would be almost guaranteed a spot in the nice school since I was doing well academically.

I was in advanced classes for math and English. I was shocked to later find out that I had been sent to the bad school. This was exacerbated by the fact that nearly all my friends were being sent to the good school. What followed was the worst four years of my life, and some issues that I have no doubt screwed me up as a person, even now. When I found out WHY it had happened, I almost started to cry.

I told my parents I had been assigned to the bad school, and my dad said he was relieved. The thing was, he thought that I would not be able to get to school on time if I went to the nicer school, due to the extra distance, and the travel costs would be higher since I would need to take an extra bus. So, he wrote a letter to the school board.

He mentioned that while I preferred the nicer school, he thought the bad school was more convenient. I love my parents, so I have never told him this, but to this day I have never forgiven him for doing this.


God Mom, Lay Off!

My mom would force me to go to church on Sundays, weekly church youth group, church summer camp, and daily morning scripture study classes before school while I was growing up. Despite all that, she seems to think that I didn't get the memo about the whole God thing. So, she still gives me the conversion pitch every time I see her. I am 36 years old. Thanks, mom, but no means no.


An Invitation For Disaster

My mother-in-law tried to take over my wedding guest list because she “knew exactly who we needed to invite”. We ended up with all of her relatives and very few of my friends or family. She also wanted to invite all of her co-workers, all of her friends, and their children. I finally put my foot down and told her that I had limited room, a limited budget, and it was my wedding. Luckily, my husband agreed with me. All her relatives got mad as well because I refused to have anyone below the age of 13 there.


Dragged On My Dad’s Dates

My dad dragged me around everywhere he went when I was a child. He would take me on his dates too. Although it sounds cute and funny, all he would do was make fun of me and tell them how I spend all my time on computers. I hated every second of it. He did this for a bit until he clued in that women don't like when you trash talk your son or ask him questions like, "Why don't you draw anymore"?

I would reply, "You threw out my artwork in my room, so I gave up". They also don’t like when I just couldn’t take the awkwardness of being an 11-year-old forced to accompany two mid-40-year-olds “trying” to date. I would get up and go to the bathroom or walk around, only to be tripped by my dad, for which he would turn back and laugh. He thought he was teaching me a lesson by taking me because I spent all my time on the computer.


Garage Sale Granny

My grandparents are garage sale junkies. This really helped me out when I was just getting started on my own, as they had so much unused furniture just lying around in the garage. However, it just kept coming. I would get phone calls from home saying, "Oh Hunny, we picked you up a new microwave! It was only $5"! I've been given three different microwaves over the last three years.

They also buy socks for my baby daughter all the time—like every time I come to visit. My daughter hates socks, and she rarely wears them. There are SOCKS EVERYWHERE. I have two giant shopping bags full of unused baby socks in the closet, and I can't donate them because, apparently some places—in my area at least—don't accept socks unless they are in their original packaging.


It Didn’t Make Any Cents

silver and gold round coinsPhoto by Art Rachen on Unsplash

I was going to a coin show with my co-worker and his stepfather. They came by and picked me up, and we went to the show. After they dropped me off, the stepfather was stopped and questioned by the authorities near my house. It turned out my dad had called the authorities thinking that the stepfather was a predator, and I didn't know any better.

But here's the messed up part: I was 21 at the time. It was very embarrassing when I heard what happened the next day.


A Numbers Game

Before my wife and I ever met, her mother would often give her phone number to "nice Jewish boys" that she thought would be good dating material. It was weird but not bad or unusual. Except that, for a period of nearly a year after my wife and I had started dating, her mother was still doing this. There were times when we'd go back to her apartment after seeing a movie or something, and there would be a message on her answering machine.

It would be from a guy that she had never met, who got her phone number from her mother. This was happening MONTHS after we were involved with one another, even after I went to her mother's house and had dinner with her.


Single Straight Female

Years ago, my sister jokingly insinuated I was a lesbian. My parents gave me the whole "love you whatever you are" spiel later. I didn't tell them right away that I wasn’t because it made my conservative parents vote “No” on Prop 8, etc. I also didn't think it mattered, and I didn't want them to expect any grandkids. Later, I told my mom I was straight because the whole scenario got a bit aggravating. It only got more excruciating.

Despite telling her this, she kept insinuating certain things like the best places in China (I’m Asian) to find a wife, etc. I have absolutely no interest in having kids EVER, which I made abundantly clear. My mom, therefore, thinks I am a hermaphrodite or a female-to-male trans person. She's even asked me if I have a male organ or if I wanted to change my general doctor to a male one so I can talk about my "man problems". I'm a straight girl, so all of this was quite perplexing.


No Bed Of Roses

I had just moved back in with my mom after having some financial difficulties. I was 28 at the time and broke, sleeping on a twin bed. I was lamenting about how difficult that might make bringing ladies home. Her response was horrifying: "You can use my bed. Just call me first". Suffice it to say, during the two years I was back home with her, there were no romantic times back at my place.


Filling My Fridge For Nothing

Every time my grandparents visit my town, they stock my empty pantry with lots of canned goods and my empty freezer full of frozen entrees. I tell them that I appreciate their generosity, but that it is really unnecessary. They reply by saying they don't ever want to risk me going hungry because I am too proud to ask for food.

The reason my cabinets are consistently bare is that after they leave, I always make a point of donating what they've bought me to a local food bank. I own three restaurants, so there is no reason I would ever cook at home. In a bad year, I have an annual net income of around $2,000,000. They're stocking a $10,000 freezer.


Proper Phone Etiquette

brown rotary dial telephone in gray painted roomPhoto by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

My mom used to make me make phone calls under the guise of “teaching me how to talk on the phone”. But she was having me call adults as a young teen about business stuff like for example, the electric company. She would not give me the information I would need to complete the task, like the account number or whatever, so I’m absolutely sure I was just annoying people who were trying to do their jobs and my phone anxiety as an adult is almost crippling.


No Thanks For The “Expert” Advice

My mother-in-law sent me a text message with advice for editing the language on my personal portfolio website. She told me to change all of the pronouns I use when referring to myself to "my company name". When I told her most illustrators I know don't do this, she simply responded that she was an "expert editor". I am not being ungrateful; she is constantly doing this. Providing "expert advice" to people whose jobs she knows nothing about. When I told her what I did for a living, she responded with, "Well, gee, I could do that".


Coast To Coast Annoyance

My aunt constantly tries to introduce me to women who live 3,000 miles away from me. I have explained many times that I live on the East Coast, so her attempts to find me a girlfriend on the West Coast are not going to help. Not only that, but my girlfriend doesn't appreciate the efforts either. The funniest part is that she isn't even old or senile. She's just a bit nuts.


Grammy Was Out Of Step

When I was really young, my Midwestern, Protestant, fundie grandparents believed that black or gray clothing was exclusively worn by bad people, and they refused to see it on their grandson. They took particular issue with black shoes. As a six-year-old, I was given the chance to pick my own shoes out at the local Sports Authority.

I spent the whole day evaluating my options and settled on a gorgeous pair of black New Balance with orange mesh and white logos. Understandably, I couldn't wait to show them off to Grammy when I went to visit for the summer. I carefully explained the features of the shoes, and how they made me run faster, jump higher, and look older.

When she saw them, she said, "Oh my goodness! Those might be the coolest shoes I've ever seen"! Then, when I woke up the next morning, they had been thrown out and replaced by a pair of entirely white Nike sneakers with no explanation.


Father-Son Sacrifices

I grew up with a dad who had been a high school and college sports legend. I hated sports. I was overweight and liked D&D and drawing. My dad was friends with the high school football coach, so I felt like I had to try out for the team. I hated every second of it. I hated the training and I was terrible. My teammates knew I wasn't into it and wanted me out.

One day, I jumped off the bleachers and tried to land on my leg to break it. I sprained my ankle badly and missed our first scrimmage. Finally, I had to confess to my dad that I hated it and wanted off the team. I was so scared because I thought he'd be so disappointed. However, he told me, "Son, you're you and I'm me. Just because I played football doesn't mean you have to. I want you to do what makes you happy".

So, my dad watched football alone, while I drew and read and later skateboarded. Over the years, we found a lot of common ground, such as music, and cooking together. I lost him almost five years ago, and strangely, now I'm a huge football fan. I sit and watch football alone and I can imagine him with me. I appreciate it now and I understand what it meant to my dad.


Drowning In Questions

man doing swimmingPhoto by Richard R. Schünemann on Unsplash

I used to swim a lot in college, which was many years ago. I got tired of getting in the water, so now I mostly do weights and machines at the gym, like the rowing machine and the elliptical. But every time my mother sees me, she asks, “So, have you been swimming”? We have had MANY conversations about how I don't like swimming anymore and I have no desire to swim, yet I still exercise. But EVERY time I see her, it’s, "Have you been swimming? How's your swimming”?


Cool It!

Years ago, my wife and I went on vacation for two weeks, and we had her parents watch our house and cat for us. Never again. We left the house at a comfortable temperature as it was the middle of summer in Atlanta, and we didn't want our cat to bake. We also wanted the house to be comfortable for them and my brother for the couple of days he stayed.

When we returned, the house was about 90 degrees on the inside, and our cat was chilling in our basement—somewhere she never went—where the temp was a good ten degrees cooler. They also decided to wipe down our kitchen counters, even though the kitchen was 100% clean. They are marble and she used a cleaner on them that left these little spots all over them that never came off.

My brother came over for a couple of days and said that he actually turned the A/C back on and noticed that when he came back a couple of days later, it was back off again. So he turned it on again and when we returned, it was off again. Our cat was not amused and decided that she would hang out in the basement for weeks at a time, and we rarely saw her.

Our power bill was enormous that next month and the constant heating and cooling of the house caused the wallpaper in two of our bathrooms to peel. When we asked them about it, they explained, "We were just trying to save you guys some money on your power bill. You know you shouldn't keep your house so cool all the time! And we wiped the dust off your counters too with the cleaner you had”, which was hardwood floor cleaner as it turned out.


Critical Clotheshorse

She took all of my pants and cut them into shorts and gave them to my brother because they were "too small for me" when, in reality, they fit perfectly. After she realized that what she did might have irked me a bit, she came back with a few pairs of light blue wrangler jeans that were a 40" waist because they would "fit me better". I wore a 36, so needless to say, they didn't.

She also told my little brother, who was chubby and pretty self-conscious, that he had a gut and that he needed to swim with a shirt on. I wouldn't be critical if she were old enough not to know better regarding what she says, but she just turned 65.


Dressed To Impress

My mother was in love with the idea that I would go to work in an office with a suit and a tie. She had some ideal image from television that this was a great lifestyle. Meanwhile, we came from a farm, and I was an artist. For a year or so after finishing a degree, I worked in tech support and this required a dress code. My mother got me so many collared shirts and ties, it was crazy. I've worked mostly in offices since but rarely need a tie. I know she's always been disappointed.


Temptation Almost Took Over

When I was in my 20s and a dateless wonder, my stepmother tried to talk me into marrying an attractive young woman who was a friend of the family, and was in the US on a green card. It would be for citizenship, but my stepmother also said that whatever other “private arrangements” we worked out were up to us. I was tempted for about five minutes, but then my father caught wind of my stepmom's scheme and put a stop to it.


Harrowing Hook Up

Giant Dipper queue entrance | Santa Cruz Boardwalk @ Santa C… |

One day, I was at the wonderful Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk with my family. My dad had been drinking and suddenly asked me, "Why don't you have a girlfriend"? I was around 11 or 12 years old at the time. I told him I just never found one, and that's when he decided to become Cupid. He called over this group of overweight, goth chicks to "hook his son up".

Naturally, I was embarrassed beyond belief. I walked away to go find my mom, who was furious with my dad’s conduct. She even went so far as to ask, "Why did you choose some goth chicks"? His response was terrible and inappropriate. To this day I have never forgotten that.


Upstairs, Downstairs

When I was 11 or so, I was riding my bicycle home from school and the wind started blowing like crazy, hard enough that I had to push my bike the last couple of blocks home. The tornado sirens went off while I was half a block away. I ran straight to the back door that led to the basement, went downstairs, and over to the “safe” corner my parents taught me about.

I sat and worried about the house collapsing on me. Then, the phone started ringing upstairs. I ignored it for as long as I could, probably around two minutes. I finally ran upstairs and answered the phone. It was my mom, and all she said was, "Get your butt downstairs"!


Bound And Gagged

My mom and sister came to visit me for a few days the weekend after I moved into a new apartment by myself. I had to work on the first day they were there and gave them suggestions on a whole bunch of fun activities they could do while I was gone. I asked them to please not unpack any of my stuff so that I would know where I had placed everything.

Obviously, there were also things my mom didn’t need to see. I arrived home after work and everything was unpacked. Then, my mom handed me one bag which she had not emptied. The content had bed straps, and she asked me if I had wanted her to set those up too. It was mortifying.


College Control Freak

My mom took over my entire college experience. She became really controlling about my course schedule and degree options. Somehow, it got worse the older I got. She would contact my academic counselor and bug him about why I couldn’t get into ENGL 3044 or why HIST 4513 didn’t give me the same general ed credit as ENGL 4513 for the multi-disciplinary degree that she pushed on me.

I wanted to major in sociology, but Mom thought that was stupid and it was a hippy-liberal communist degree. It made me hate college, and avoid any professors she had contacted. She would also get really mad if I changed my university password to try and lock her out. Basically, she threatened not to pay for my college if she couldn't control me and she threatened to cancel my car insurance too. All because she was afraid I would leave for greener pastures.


Drop The Dating Advice

My brother, my sister, my sister-in-law, and every aunt and uncle whom I've seen in the past four years all take the opportunity to give me dating advice, ask me about what kind of girls I like, ask me to pick the most attractive girl in the restaurant/building, etc. One of my uncles, in particular, was telling me in none-too-uncertain terms to just find girls to bed, not for relationships.

His reasoning was that, obviously, no 23-year-old guy wants to have a girlfriend metaphorically tying him down, holding him back from things, etc. Of course, every college dude just wants to just go sleep around indiscriminately. This was a dinner conversation with my parents at the table. I wanted to crawl into a hole. Every time it happens, I'm tempted to tell them that I'm gay—which I'm not—so they'll get off my back. But then I know they'll just do the same for dudes.


Something Was Fishy With My Juice

brown and yellow medication tabletsPhoto by Leohoho on Unsplash

I'm a vegetarian and have been for seven years. One summer, my mom was going through a phase of making me these orange juices every day; they were nice. I always thought to myself that the oranges must be coming from a different place this year because they were so sweet. One day, I was scrambling through the fridge and found this jar that looked like some weird medicine.

I opened that baby up and took a whiff. It smelled like oranges—sweet, sweet oranges. When I read the label of the “medicine”, that's when I realized that my mom was spiking my drinks with fish oil. A “vegetarian” who eats fish is called a “vegequarian pescatarian”, not a vegetarian like I was. Needless to say, I was mad and didn't talk to her for a week.


Mama Yenta

My mother tries to set me up with Jewish men. Our family is Jewish, and I have told them explicitly, many times, that I don't want to marry anyone overtly religious and that I find most Jewish men not to be my type, to put it lightly. So lately, my mother has been trying to hook me up with cute girls. She believes that since I'm a 26-year-old pretty, single girl, I MUST be gay to not be married with kids.


The Devil’s Devices

My grandmother throws out appliances that have the number 666 in the serial number or barcode. She thinks these appliances will eventually turn on us because they’re the devil's appliances. This includes a brand new lawnmower she received as a gift from her children. Of course, she didn't give the lawnmower to anyone because she didn’t want to be responsible for the impending doom the appliance would bring; she just threw it out. She's done this at our house before as well. She's a nut, but I love her!


My Family Was Full Of Gay Abandon

When my mother and father found out I was gay, my mother said it would be best for me to come out to everyone who lived with us. At the time, it was my sister, brother, grandmother, and great-aunt. She said if I didn’t do it, she would do it for me because it would help me have a better relationship with all of them. When I went to talk to my grandmother, she had just had some really intense surgery and she was on some serious pain meds.

So, I sat her down and told her I was gay and she just went on this half-hour rant about how she knew a teacher that was a queer when she was in high school. It turned out she then emailed several relatives about my coming out. An aunt of mine then sent me a letter saying that she wished the best for me and told me that I could "still live my life as a gypsy", I just needed to be careful because "AIDS is really dangerous" and that I shouldn’t sleep with anyone until I was married.


Time To Cut The Cord

My parents can't accept that I am a married adult and don't need them to do everything for me. They did all they could to make me as dependent as possible, and they don't understand that not needing them to do things doesn’t mean I don't love them. For example, I am pregnant and at high risk. My mother calls all the time wanting to take me to my appointments.

I get that she is nervous, but this little girl is very healthy, and I don't want her there. She doesn't help, she only makes me nervous. My husband wants to go with me, after all, it's our baby, and she doesn't get it. She called my last daughter "her" baby, and she is starting again. It infuriates me beyond belief. My parents also hate that I live about two hours away in a different state.

They want us to visit every weekend and get mad that we only visit every few months. I talk to my mom every day, mind you, yet sometimes she calls me several times a day and doesn't get that I have things to do. She also constantly says she and my dad are moving to Las Vegas and she thinks it would be great if we moved there too.

She has all these people call my husband about jobs that are not anything he would be interested in. Plus, my parents don't have any good business contacts. My mom has not had a real job in fifteen years and my father has been looking for a better job for years. They are not even in the same field as my husband. Even if the job sounded perfect, we would never trust it.

We don't want to be associated with anyone they do business with. My parents have some serious separation issues.


Two Sides Of A Shield

a person holding a babyPhoto by Polina Kuzovkova on Unsplash

I had cancer twice before I was five years old and so my parents really shielded my life. If I was invited to a kid’s birthday party, my mom would be there too. I wasn’t allowed to play outside until late, and even when I was older, there was no going to nightclubs. I had to be in by 10 PM and had to argue my way to let my boyfriend (now husband) stay the night.

As a result, I'm terrible at socializing, struggle to make my own decisions since someone was always there with an answer for me, and don’t know anything about running a house as it was all done for me and not by choice. When I moved in with my boyfriend, they were all, “Do you not like us anymore? What have we done to deserve this?”

My guy had to show me everything from using the washing machine and paying bills, to cooking. Everything I know is because of him! They continued to message, email, and phone several times a day until I asked for space and to be allowed to live my life. We have a better relationship now, and I have my own little girl, so I do understand to some extent.

However, I know I'd want her to be supported and loved but allowed to scrape her knees and be included in everything. My job as a parent is to make her feel confident about herself and teach her everything I know to help her become a well-rounded and independent individual.


The Only Bad Influence Was Her

My mom tried to protect me from my dad. My dad was a lazy guy when they were together in Vietnam. Even when they had my sister and me, my dad didn't do much for us. My mom had to take care of him and us, so we moved to the US without him. This is when my sister and I were pretty young. He missed us and he would write to us, but for 12 years I never saw his letters.

Then, through the magic of technology, we got into contact again. My mom warned me about him because she thought that he would have a bad influence on me. My dad and I exchanged emails and I told my mom about it. Then, she finally confessed the dark truth. She had kept all of his letters away from us so that we wouldn't think of him and just forget about him.

When I read the letters that he sent us, they were filled with nothing but loving and encouraging words like, "I know I'm not there for you two, but you both are in my hearts". There were no bad words or any negative influences in any of his letters. Then, my mom demanded that I let her read my emails. My email exchanges with my dad were us talking about my life and what I was doing in school.

She thought that he was going to be a bad influence on me by making me quit school and move back to Vietnam. He was doing none of that. He encouraged me to stay in school and told me that I should be grateful for living in America. Then, one time, I left my email open to go and do a quick errand. My mom went into my email, sent my dad a letter pretending to be me, and cursed him out.

I found out about it and asked her why. She said she was trying to protect me. This all happened when I was 21. My grandmother also told my mom to not let my sister and I talk to my dad because she, too, thought that he would have a bad influence on us.


The Cost Of High Tuition

My mom is paying off her student debt 20 years later from a college she didn't even graduate from. She's convinced that if I go to an in-state college, I will save money and never have to do what she was doing. Then, I moved to NYC last year, and now I'm getting in-state tuition at one of the cheapest state school systems in the US.

Even so, my mother keeps suggesting and is trying to guilt-trip me to go to private colleges back home, a couple of which are religious, and most of them don't offer what I need, while at the same time costing four times as much a year compared to where I'm at now. She also went as far as to tell my siblings that I didn't love them and that's why I was moving so far away, in a "one final effort" to try and keep me in the state. That really, really sucked.


Living The High Life

My grandmother was a nasty blue-blood rich woman until she blew all her millions on furniture and stupid material possessions with no resale value. Yet, she still acts like she is rich and demands the country-club lifestyle she is accustomed to from my mom and aunt. She really is insufferable. She has set me up with rich potential husbands, one of whom was a third cousin.

She set up an appointment with the Dean of my school to discuss my merits; she lives nearly four hours away from me. She invited me out to dinner for my 21st birthday at a $90-steak-type place so that she could "culture me" and introduce me to her friends. She then told me to pay for her. The total bill was $459 and I was in college. This list goes on forever and every time, she does things so that she can "help me get ahead in life", but it’s really just for herself.


Out Of Service

This happened to me right before I graduated from high school. The men on my mom’s side of the family were all associated with some form of service like the Navy, Army, etc. My aunt decided that, since I had no job or any college courses, she would go ahead and forge my application to the Marine Corps and the Navy.

I got a call two weeks after my birthday saying to come in for an evaluation test. She went to all my uncles and told them how excited I was to serve, and how I couldn't wait to "be a part of something bigger than me". When I found out, I lost it. I called her and explained to her how that was totally not cool and how much respect I had towards people who serve, but that it wasn't my calling.

I told her that I was very disappointed that she faked an application just because she thought I'd have a better life! I cut all ties with her and had to explain to my uncles how this was all her idea, and to my surprise, two of them were going along with her. So I moved up North to get away from pretty much all my family.



woman in black long sleeve shirt covering her facePhoto by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

My parents were way too open about the birds and the bees. Sex positivity should make you feel comfortable and safe; it shouldn't make you uncomfortable or be pushed on you when you aren't ready. I got a comprehensive talk when I was seven. My mom gave me an entire book and told me to tell her if I "had any questions", all because I asked what a word meant.

My mom asked me if I wanted any toys and gave my sister her USED ones. It was definitely unsanitary. My mom also smacked my booty a lot and told me I had a good body. It took a few years of asking her to stop in order for her actually to stop. She would interrupt my sister's dates when she was 14–16 years old to ask her if she needed protection.

That just made my sister feel pressured to use them, even if the date wasn't going in that direction. My dad was just plain gross about the subject too, but he never had talks exactly in the same detailed and crass way my mom did with me.