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Window Cleaners Share The Weirdest Things They've Ever Seen On The Job

Looking through the streaks.

Window washers have quite an interesting job. For many of their assignments their lives are consistently in danger. The heights they often have to reach are death defying. So there never seems to be a dull moment, because aside from cheating death, they witness things that would astound the average person. They have glimpses into the lives of strangers that sometimes make them wish they were blind. I hope they all keep journals because witnessing crazy can be priceless.

Redditor u/marky_sparky24 wanted all the window cleaners out there to share a tale or three by inquiring..... Window cleaners of Reddit, what is the weirdest thing you have seen while cleaning windows?

On the PC. 

One of the window cleaners at my workplace is a good friend of mine and he said that he saw our manager receiving oral sex from his assistant under his table while he was working on the PC. DueTry9

All the gigs...

The weirdest thing I've seen while cleaning Windows?

50 gigabytes of temporary files and misc. downloads.

It was actually just a bunch of installers, misc. documents, files in the "AppData\Local\Temp" directory, backups of old programs, and the sort.

Ain't nobody cleaning out their wank bank. zenyl

Spotted Alone....


Not a window cleaner, but I've been spotted by one.

Sat on my day off in my birthday suit having time with myself, smoking a joint and didn't hear our back gate go. He comes in as usual and starts to climb. I had the porn on at a high volume cause I was home alone. See his head poke up above the top of the net curtains and his eyes widen at me. I stared deadlocked with him for a second before lunging for a cushion to cover myself with. Most embarrassed I've ever been. I make sure my partner pays him each time he comes to the door now. And I'm more discreet. MickeySnacks

Life at McD's! 

I used to be the janitor at a busy McDonalds next to a university campus a while back. Early in the morning I usually cleaned the windows outside before the drive through started to get too busy.

Usually saw some fairly strange people, but one that stuck out was a very unkempt and definitely hungover man foraging for cigarette butts in the trash, and on the pavement.

After he gathered a handful, he sat on the curb nearby, crushed the tiny bits of old stale tobacco out of the butts into a rolling paper, which he then licked, rolled, and then asked me if I had a light.

If I hadn't already quit smoking before then, that encounter would have made me do it. Vuldyn

Brian it's been so long.....

This is more on the sad side: We clean senior homes and in the dementia ward there was a woman that was asking me why they turned the volume down in the room because she couldn't hear me. She went on for awhile about that and how she disapproves of it. Eventually she started calling me Brian and said "Brian it's been so long since I've seen you, you never come visit." I've got to say that was both the weirdest and most saddening thing I have seen. jonahzapata

The Drama.


I don't know. Did some window washing during my college time back then and these are scheduled appointments - so there are really no surprises here and owners are usually prepared that we are there.

One time we did a rich guys house and it was just him and his girlfriend there. They got into a massive fight towards the end and she just walked out. Literally walked on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and we picked here up on our way home. She was a sobbing mess, poor thing. theunrealabyss

The NoNO Place. 

Former window cleaner of 5 years. The unusual things I have seen on the job usually took place in the downtown segment. Usually somebody irate or on drugs. On person in particular walking down the block with no pants on. They were over weight too so the tummy blocked their nono place. Other than that nothing to weird in my tenure. Dargonite913

"psst, hey, Is there a guy in there?"

I was the person inside. I lived in a third floor apartment with a roommate. I had a gentleman friend who I'd recently started seeing romantically come over late at night and he wound up spending the night for the first time. We woke up that morning to some people on a ladder cleaning the gutters or something. They awkwardly tried to avoid eye contact and I think we just ignored them and rolled over and went back to sleep. But when they moved past my window to my roommates room, she, being curious if my gentleman caller and I had hooked up, asked they guy, "psst, hey, Is there a guy in there?" And said that he shifted his eyes side to side and did a quick nod with a straight face and then got back to cleaning and got the heck out of there. The way she described it cracked me up. foxyrain

The Procedure. 

Not a window cleaner, but my son was admitted to the hospital once. His room had a big window, and across from that window was another wing of the hospital. It was dusk, but there was a light on across the way so I looked. There was a medical team doing something to a woman. She was lying on her back, on a table, feet in stirrups, and knees spread. I could see "her" when the doctor (I'm assuming) moved from between her legs. He had a headlamp on, and there was one of those big surgical lights on over the table. The rest of the room was dark. After a moment or two of staring, one of the medical staff motioned, urgently, to the blinds, and they were then closed. I have no idea what happened after that. Clairenator

Itsy Bitsy Nothing...

The window cleaner commented on the huge spider on the inside of our office room window. He assumed it was caged in some way, but we explained how it's free, but stays on its web which spans the one meter width of the window recess.

Quite a few of us in the UK keep exotic spiders other than just tarantulas! Mine is a Nephila inaurata madagascariensis for anyone interested :)

Pics added by request of /u/86rpt

The larger spider (about 10 cm legspan) is mature, her tiny husband is just above her. Close-up of the egg sac she dropped a few nights ago, with distinctive yellow silk. El-rond

Subway Scenes...

I worked at subway a while back, and for some reason windows were just my duty, and I'm almost 100% certain I was the only one that ever actually cleaned them. Anyway...

Windows of our store over looked a busy intersection. Saw a dude speed through a red light while cars were still going through and miraculously there was no accident. A LOT of honking and people slamming their breaks, though. BeaDoodle

Peek A Boo Nasty...

This happened in Indonesia. I was staying at my mom's apartment and had a boy over. We were getting nasty and then window cleaner roll down on their lift thingy and saw us getting nasty. Worst part is I knew who they were because they happened to work around the apartment building. Imma_rage_quit_too

Still a Good Story. 

Once I was visiting New York with a friend. His uncle, a musician on Broadway had an apartment in Astoria that we crashed at and, as a thanks, we got him a bottle of Lagavulin. He duly poured us glasses and we sat there across his single long couch facing the window, drinking until pretty quick we noticed across the street and the next apartment up there was a girl dancing around naked, probably doing some kind of movie with her boyfriend. This goes on for a very short time before they notice us and immediately the lights of the apartment go dark. Immediately and in unison, we all raised our glasses of scotch to the dark apartment. The end. He keeps his windows VERY clean. Volcan_R


So, the company I work for is partnered with an apartment complex, where we clean all the windows in 2 buildings each month. We get there early in the morning to take all the screens out of the windows, and apparently the manager had forgotten to send out the emails telling people we'd be coming that day. I have a master key, so standard protocol is just to unlock the door and knock as I'm entering, then yell "maintenance!"

Well one apartment was particularly surprised at my entrance, and quickly spun around on his couch. He asked if I could just come back later and do his windows another day. I was confused, but realized why he was so started after I noticed the hoard of tissues, lotion and pillows on the coffee table in front of him. I don't think I ever actually went back to that apartment to do his windows. I wouldn't know what to say to him if I did. Cpt_Sideburns



I was doing metal work at the top of a major building in Atl and we had to use the same window cleaning platforms. When coming down for lunch one day we saw a huge conference table covered with MILLIONS of dollars. sti-guy

Good Show. 

Window cleaner here. I was up on a ladder doing an older single woman's house and happened to be at her bedroom window. She was in the process of getting out of the shower and was fully naked and bent over putting on her under wear and just happened to turn around to find me washing the window. (I may add this woman was in her early 50s and extremely good looking for a 50 something year old woman.) Anyways, she turns around and stood up.

She didn't freak out but closed her blinds and when I finished the job I knocked on the door to give her the bill and all she said to me was " I hope you enjoyed what you saw" with a little devious smile. To which I replied yes mam, thank you very much and took the check and went on my way. I do her house every six months now and we know each other on a first name basis lol. whydoweusethese

I was so mad. 

Not really weird but was really gross.

I work with kids and part of my job is cleaning, including wiping off the windows. I have cleaned off so many boogers, a lot of snot, sometimes blood, and a shit ton of sweat stains. Sometimes theres an imprint of someone's lips on there.

For something weird though I was once cleaning the outside of a window when a kid comes up to the window on the inside and starts watching me. probably about 6 or 7. After about 2 minutes, he promptly places his mouth on the glass and licks the window up and down, side to side, basically everywhere. Then for good measure he wiped his hands on it.

I had just finished the inside window. I was so mad. Classic-Problem

It's a Bird...

I don't clean windows but I imagine it's stuff like this:

When birds fly into windows...

(EDIT below)

My dad used to work in a tall glass building in Central London, often he'd hear loud thumps around the building. Turned out they were birds doing kamikaze attacks. KingJimXI

Tapped and Ready....


When I was 19 I got a loosely supervised job for a local beer distributor cleaning the place. The first day my buddy and I started making our rounds: vacuuming, cleaning windows, that kind of crap. As we were making our way to the break room with the Kirby we realized on the other side of a massive conference room table there were about 8 kegs tapped and ready. Needless to say the place didn't get cleaned well enough for us to do it two nights in a row. saidin_handjob

Do you Mom. 

I work on a small team of only women. We usually only have like 3 people in the office on the weekends and we are on the third floor. My colleague decided to pump breast milk in her cubicle and just told us not to come over until she gave the okay. Not unusual. Right as she started pumping completely uncovered, a random window cleaner descended from above and she let out a shriek. I don't think he even noticed right away, but then we watched him quickly try to scurry away from the window. He never came back to clean those windows, lol. vivid23


20th floor Toronto, I ran into a guy I got drunk with in Halifax a few times. We are both east coasters. He was washing the hotel windows, I was rolling a joint inside that window. we know each other by name. Our bands have played shows together. 75joking25serious



Not sure if this counts but i was doing my bathroom business.... then the window cleaner popped up out of the blue almost face to face. Noyesssss

Amused Much?

There was one time the people cleaned the windows of the office where I worked very early in the morning when no one was expecting it. The squeegee or brush thing hit the glass really loudly and everyone jumped, I half fell off my chair and one person spilled her coffee. I'm sure the guy was amused. Jack_ofMany_Trades

Nice Catch. 

There was this house I use to clean, front and back windows. Anyway they had an extension built on the side of their house and didn't want us climbing on the roof to get to the back in case we crack any of their tiles. The lady who lives there, must of been in her thirties, asked if it would be possible to carry the ladder through the house and into the back the next time hers was due to be cleaned. I agree.

Two weeks later I knock on after cleaning her front windows and she answers in nothing but a towel and she tells me that she was just about get in shower. I ask if she wants me leave until next time, but she says no come through.

So I awkwardly begin maneuvering my ladder through and manage make it into the kitchen, as I'm standing it becomes apparently obvious that her kitchen layout is to small for me to get the ladder through to the back door but she begins trying to help me. Which results in, what I'm sure you're expecting, her towel dropping.

She catches it in the nick of time before anything below the waist is revealed, to her credit it was good reflexes. JakLee8909

Stuffed Ark.


I cleaned windows at a house stuffed with as many taxidermy animals they could fit. That was strange. Praeconium2501

In the Corner. 

When i was a cleaner there was a old lady who had me do her windows. In the corner of the window on her third floor was this massive tarantula that was completely loose and just chillin. When I told her about it she said her nephew was "supposed to fix her spider issue." Dosu_Kinuta

Dorm Days. 

In college, I worked all summer on the window cleaning crew for the university. The buildings were all older and we had to have two people working the spray pole from the ground and two people inside with towels ready to catch any water that leaked in from the spray.

Most of the dorms were empty so that was pretty uneventful but a number of the on-campus apartments were still occupied. One studio apartment was occupied by a hoarder. There was three feet of garbage with a path leading to the bed. The bed looked like someone had dumped a bucket of water on it due to how much grease and oil coved the sheet and the smell was unreal.

Another apartment had us paranoid the owner was going to come home and kill us all.

I like guns, but this guy was the sketchy kind of weapons enthusiast. Soldier of Fortune magazines littered the table along with empty 7.62x39 cardboard ammo boxes and walls decorated with various targets. In the middle of the kitchen table was a big novelty-sized hunting knife stuck point down in the table.

So we make our way upstairs and find a ton of seedlings and empty containers for what I'm assuming is an outdoor grow operation. All the windows have been blacked out with plastic and aluminum.

At that point, my coworker and I turn to each other and go "Welp... time to get the hell out of here."

We did turn the hoarder in to the residence admin, we did not turn in the militant gardner. Sea2Chi

I Frowned.


One time when I was about 12-13, I woke up, opened the curtains to my window cleaner smiling at me. That man also used to talk to my mom about his piles every time he came round. galbertgriffstein

To the Rescue! 

I work as a window cleaner in Berlin, and once I saw a very attractive lady sitting in her bed having what looked like convulsions, I pulled my handy and was about to call the 911. Upon a second deeper look I realized she had her hands in her leggings and her eyes closed and was moving her back forward and back, a few seconds later I realized she was having an orgasm. It was amazing, Im glad I didn't fall.

I've been doing this for 5 years and I saw 7 ladies in such a position. I saw More men do that but thats not note worthy. icleanzewindow

Thanks for Dinner. 

When I was 13 - 16 I worked as a window washer, and we had contracts with a bunch of small businesses (coffee shops /bars). My favorite was the local Twin Peaks - think Hooters but hotter girls in skimpier outfits and better food. We would get there before it was open to customers, and the girls would always give me a burger and a beer before heading to the next spot. My boss bet me that I couldn't get a date with the bartender, and he said if I got her to go out with me he would pay for dinner. Dated her for 4 months before I left the state. theogdirtysanchez

It's a favorite memory. 

"I'm not a window cleaner" but once I was doing voter registration at 10am and my friend was upstairs and I was downstairs in an apartment complex. She passed an apartment window and saw a huge old tube TV blaring porn, which she relayed to me by humping the railing and gesticulating wildly. It's a favorite memory. troublesomefaux



I was cleaning windows for this old couple in the apt building where I worked.

He's telling us how great is it when we come every spring. He loves when all the windows are out at once, it opens up the whole apt, the air flow, bla bla bla...

And, not that we don't do a great job, but these windows are old and no matter how good we clean... there's nothing quite like nothing between you and the outside.

And then he went to stick his head out to look down and squarely smacked his full face into the clean window.boogers19

Need Bread?

Not a Window cleaner

Friend of mine was washing windows on the 15th floor and had to go to the bathroom, opened a window to an apartment that should of been empty... ran into a guy sexing a jar of jelly. RedVeist

What Temp you at?

Not a window cleaner, graffiti writer. We were on the roof of an abandoned factory that had a row of houses behind it, You could see into 3rd floor apartment kitchen. The was a man completely naked standing at a stove cooking. Behind him was what I imagine to be some sort of dom. A woman in thigh high leather boots and bra standing there with a horse whip. We watched for a minute or two but nothing happened, just cooking. 9Sandwiches

The Master Corner. 

I worked for a window washing company until this incident, small town local company and we were hired to do the local gyms windows and mirrors. Anyways my co worker at the time said she would do the outside if I did the private "weights" room. I agreed and started cleaning, this room was just off of the main area and was slightly more private and I scrapped mess off of mirrors with scanty clad women engravings on them for about 4 hours before deciding there was too much and quit. Still refuse to go to that gym or look the gym owner in the eye. TheBatIsMe



This guy who had cardboard standees of his family all through his house. texasspacejoey

Happy Holidays. 

I work events at hotels. Two stories come to mind. First one got off work and looked back at the hotel which was lit up for Christmas and saw a woman pushed up against the glass with her man right behind. They were only on the 3rd or 4th floor too.

Second thing was a recorded event in one of our panoramic event rooms. In the middle of one of the talks I looked up from my mixing board and saw a naked man standing in the hotel window across from us directly between the two speakers. I stood up and asked the camera man what their frame was and fortunately from their perspective the speakers head blocked out that particular window. 0RGASMIK

Bathroom Walk.


I was dog sitting for a client in a lux high rise apart building and wasn't told window cleaners came by once a week. Got out of the shower and heard my phone ringing in the living room so I walked naked to get my phone. Picked up the phone and as I turned around, saw the window cleaner. I didn't know what to do so I smiled and waved. He gave me a thumbs up and I walked back to the bedroom and shut the door. jtothehello

Pest People. 

I do pest control, so I'm in every room of the house. I've been surprised with the amount of naked pictures of the parents in the master bedrooms. Maybe just turn those around when I come to the house. I've also been surprised with how many people answer the door in their underwear. waboobaleedoo

The Simple Things. 

My dad owns a windowing cleaning company that I worked at for years. We did mostly residential low rise homes/cottages. The one thing that was most surprising to me was the amount of couples that sleep in separate bedrooms.

Window cleaning tip - if you hire window cleaners please move your furniture away from the windows. I don't want to get it wet, move it or in some cases have to climb on it. arlene_8_

Too Much....

When I was a teenager, my mom hired this old German guy who had retired from commercial cleaning to residential washing windows. He was fun to talk to as he had some cool stories (he was a German soldier during WWII).

One afternoon, we were chatting and I commented that his job as a commercial cleaner must have been interesting (I didn't really think that, but I wanted to be polite). He said it was, except now and again, he'd see things he wasn't supposed to see. "Like what?" "Too many naked people... too many..." He wouldn't tell me more, but he didn't say it in a positive light. I still wonder about that now and again... wtf were people doing? LionCM

Hey Lady.....


I am a consulting engineer working in building science and structural restoration. A number of years ago while working in Toronto at a 38-storey high rise, we (2 contractors and myself) were reviewing glazing and sealant bead and came down upon a window where a woman was grooming her bikini area.

We are always taught to see something inappropriate and look away. Apparently we looked so far away we missed the metal flashing lip of the next level down, our swing stage tilted one way and swung back and all three of us banged our heads into the lady's window. The glass didn't break but it sure scared the lady. strengr

 Super weird if you ask me.

Climbing up a ladder let's you see into a lot of rooms whether you like it or not. Also A LOT of people have skylights in their bathrooms. The weirdest thing I saw was a picture hanging in a customers bathroom. The photo was the customer (a woman) in sorta like BDSM Lingerie in the bucket of a tractor, doing some sorts of (sexual) pose. On the ground, in a cheering pose (hands up, smiling) was their child, maybe 4 or 5 years old, looking up at her. Super weird if you ask me. The_Indifferent

Glassed Out. 

Once I was doing this two story house, with big square plates of glass pretty much everywhere. The guy had every single painting on his walls covered with sheets, and absolutely would not allow us inside to get to the double hungs on the second floor. jbob172

All Smiles.

I only did the job for about 8 or 9 months but saw two unexpected things.

Got to the top of the ladder and saw a guy I know is a priest enjoying some porn. I scurried back down the ladder hoping he would hear me and then slowly went back up. He obviously had heard me because when I got back to the window he was standing up reading a bible.


The other time I got to the top of the ladder and saw a woman in her 80s sitting on her bed completely naked. I was sure she saw me so I gave her a few minutes before going back to the window. When I get there she's sitting in exactly the same place, still naked, smiling at me. I got a job in an office soon after. patafla

I just knew....

A rotund lady pooping while i was doing high rise window cleaning. You don't expect to have to close the window when in the bathroom on the 12th floor.

How do I know she was pooping and not peeing?

I just knew.... I just knew. MtmJM

Moved on with my life.

I was at a boring industry black tie event at a posh hotel in London a few years back. Woke up very hungover on the 12th floor, stumbled to the window and pulled open the curtains. 2 blokes stood there staring at my fat naked self, they were on one of those tall building platform things. Took me a moment to understand what the hell was going on. Closed curtains. Moved on with my life. mfinleyv

She Cares Not. 

Not in the business anymore but I cleaned residential and commercial. The weirdest thing I ever saw was the wife of a famous actor had a bunch of naked portraits of herself around the house. Doing yoga, drinking coffee, stuff like that. She was sitting on the couch the whole time we were doing the windows like it ain't no thing. If she didn't care then neither did we. DestroyerOfWorlds831

The Barbs...


I had a friend and she worked as a cleaner when she was ~15, 16...she saw her classmate making out with her barbie doll... sometypeofhumanhere

All Good Here. 

Didn't see anything strange per se.... but i did work on a few mansions, got to see the inside of the 1% homes.... pretty intense, huge theaters and stuff. I think the home was worth 20 million or something ridiculous?

Other than that my favorite was when cats would come up to the inside window while I was cleaning the outside, really made my day considering window washing is so monotonous and soul crushing. koffeekoala



My (maternal) grandfather was a window washer in the 1930s. He saw my (eventual) grandmother on the other side of the glass. amjadpac


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Things All Guys Do But Would Never Admit To

"Reddit user Miguenzo asked: 'What is something all guys do but will never admit to doing?'"

Four young men sit on a mountainside while laughing and talking
Photo by Matheus Ferrero

Men can be a mystery.

They like to hide as much as they can about themselves.

In truth, the rest of the world already suspects most of whatever behaviors they're trying to bury.

But often, it's so healthy to unburden yourself whenever you can.

Isn't it also comforting to know we aren't alone on this?

You do that? ME TOO!

Redditor Miguenzo wanted all the men out there to make some confessions, so they asked:

"What is something all guys do but will never admit to doing?"

Going to the bathroom sitting down more often than you think.

That's a guy truth I'll admit to.

I like to be comfortable.


U Know Flirt GIF by WimbledonGiphy

"I play with my penis more than any other object, by far."


"And not even in a sexual way. Sometimes just flopping it from left to right while watching TV."


"This is what my wife had a hard time understanding. Just cause I'm messing with it, doesn't mean I'm aroused. I'm just fidgeting and that's my object."



"Imagine your entire life with a girl you just met."


"Did this this weekend. The most beautiful woman working as a barmaid I have ever seen."

"However, I know it's annoying having someone hit on you while working and working in a bar she must get it all the time. so I kept quiet ordered my drinks and didn't bother her. She remembered what I was drinking by the 3rd drink. that was enough for me. LMAO."


Think About It

"Daydream about insane scenarios that will never happen where you're the main hero that swoops in to save the day. Common examples include things like thinking you could figure out how to land an entire airplane in an emergency, thinking about 'What happens if there's a robbery and I stop the bad guy,' thinking about saving someone from a burning building, thinking you could save someone's life if there's a random medical emergency, etc."


Spoons and Forks

"Not sure if this is for all guys, but my BF will never ever admit that he prefers to be the little spoon 😭."


"I’m over a foot taller than my wife, so I often joke that 'she’s my better third.' But I HATE being a big spoon. Nothing makes me happier in my marriage like being a little spoon, curled up, while she runs her fingers through my hair… Just thinking about is releasing the endorphins. We will hit 29 years together in a couple of months, and it not only never gets old, it gets better with age."


Pick Away

jason clarke flirting GIF by OriginalsGiphy

"Nose picking is more common than anyone will admit."


"Nose picking is probably the most efficient way to get uncomfortable buggers out of your nose."


Ugh. Nose pickers. Stop it. Just stop it!


Uh Oh Oops GIF by 20th Century Fox Home EntertainmentGiphy

"Morning pees sometimes go sideways and there's annoying cleaning up to do."



"Sniff our armpits to be sure they don't stink or we enjoy the smell."


"This one is def gender neutral. I've had several girlfriends be embarrassed that I 'caught them' smell-checking themselves. As if they thought it was some secret weird thing they do and nobody else did. LOL."


"When I get nervous I stick my hands under my arms and then I sniff my armpit smell off my fingers and it calms me back down."


Inch by Inch

"Measuring their penis. Yeah, some will admit it. But some refuse to admit it."


"I don’t need a tape measure to know what disappointment looks like."


Haven't done it in a while. At this point, I'm too afraid it's gotten smaller. If that's possible."


"I have honestly never measured my d*ck. Girls I dated did. The numbers really mean nothing to me. I only cared if it was too small. Once girls told me it wasn't, I was satisfied."


I Feel Pretty

"Being friendlier to attractive women."


"Attractive women are scarier for many, so a lot of us probably come off as aloof or rude whatever towards them because we just kind of ignore them (actually are just too nervous to address them directly)."

"This isn't such a thing for me now that I'm in my 30s and have a long-time committed partner. No pressure... lol. But I know when I was a younger guy in the dating pool, the very attractive women were terrifying... lol."


"Attractive people actually get treated better in most areas of life in general. It’s called Pretty Privilege. Attractive people are trusted more easily, looked up to more, invited to more things, talked to more, can get a raise easier, and obviously can date easier."


At least once

"If you're single; Having feelings/Attraction to almost every female friend you've got. Doesn't have to be strong feelings. Doesn't have to be romantic. But you've thought about it. At least once. Maybe three times."


"Definitely not universal. This stopped happening to me after I started and finished one major relationship."

"You develop a sense for what you actually want -- and how much more valuable friendship can be than any random romance."

"Also, as a straight guy, having uncomplicated friendships with multiple women is a great way to just get out in life, meet people and situations you never would've otherwise, and not bog down your own psyche. Really elevated my 20s."



wicked GIF by Ice CubeGiphy

"Kicking ice cube under the fridge when falls."


"Gotta feed those shadow critters."


I love the ice cube kick.

I think it's gender universal.

man wearing Nike camouflage t-shirt

Oliver Ragfelt on Unsplash

The Bible advises people to judge not, lest they be judged.

Which seems to have been lost in translation for too many purported adherents to its teachings.

On a secular level, we're told to not judge a book by its cover, but sometimes...

Sometimes it's hard not to get judgy.

Keep reading...Show less
A tin foil hat resting on a chair
Photo by Tom Radetzki on Unsplash

We've all heard our fair share of conspiracy theories, like Big Brother watching us, or the Earth being flat, or birds not being real (seriously, what is that about?).

We've even seen some theories get confirmed over the years, like our mobile devices "always" listening to us, though some remain unconvinced about the purposes behind that fact.

But there are some conspiracy theories out there that are far more unsettling than others, and some people have some very good reasons for why they believe in them and are deeply terrified by them.

Ready to hear some theories, Redditor sublimefan123 asked:

"What's the scariest conspiracy theory you believe is 100% true?"

But Where's the Lie?

"Octopi are aliens, and you can't convince me otherwise."

"Those motherf**kers came from a meteor or something. Their brain development rate compared to all other species is off the charts."

- venom121212

"Right? Name me ONE other motherf**kier that has eight different brainlets hanging out in their thinky-feely tentacles. That s**t's wild."

- PepurrPotts

"Samuel L. Jackson would LOVE this conversation."

- TheBookishAndTheBard

The Mafia Makes the Best Pillows

"The excessive number of mattress stores in cities; often within close proximity to each other. Money laundering fronts for the mafia is a distinct possibility."

- mansonsturtle

"In reality, it's due to a certain type of marketing technique."

"A lot of times, people won't drive to multiple mattress stores. They'll just drive to one. However, if the other mattress store is right next door, they are more likely to check it out and see if they can find something better, comfier, at a better price."

"So you usually see them grouped together. You'll see the same with auto dealerships."

- MaxHannibal

"Says the mafioso!!!! Caught you!"

- RambisRevenge

Educating Future Laborers, Not Individuals

"US education system knowingly underfunded to maintain a large unskilled labor force."

"Originally this made sense as we needed people to work the world's largest breadbasket and mine raw materials. Now those jobs are highly mechanized and automated."

"Combine this with a shift to main US exports being tech- and chem-based, and our intentionally woeful education system is coming back to bite us."

"Students aren't being taught how to be self-sustaining individuals. They're being taught how to memorize, to forget, and to serve."

- 89inerEcho

A Voluntary Trend

"'Throwback Thursday' or '#tbt' just appeared one day out of the blue, with the distinct goal of being a silly internet craze to post pictures from the past and compare it to modern-day photos."

"But I believe it was a project created by three-letter United States federal government organizations to encourage large portions of the population to post weekly photos of their past and present to enhance their aging and genetic algorithms."

"It would be hard to get access to everyone's old photos unless they had physical access to everyone's houses and snuck into each house to make copies of said photos. Why do all that when you could make it a fun new trend and let the people voluntarily give you the photos en masse?"

- yourusernameistaken

Distractions in the Media

"Insane wackjob conspiracies purposefully get propagated to detract from actual shady s**t that goes on."

"What's more? It f**king works."

"If you see someone even mention something that might be a conspiracy, that person is automatically determined to be a lunatic. Dangerous when you consider just how corrupt government, military, and corporations are."

- somethingdarkside45

Let the Women Have Their Pockets

"Big purses... I think that pocket-book companies have strong-armed, bought, or convinced women's clothing companies to make pockets ineffectual so that purses remain relevant."

- roygbpcub

"To add onto this, tech companies have bought into big purses and that's why phones have gotten continuously larger, so they can't fit in pockets no matter what."

"Seriously, though, I think the true reason why pockets for women's pants are so ineffectual is that women's clothing is selling a specific body type (slim) that protruding hips would go against."

"This really needs to be talked about more. Not only does it set a standard for women to have to look a certain way, but it also sends the message that women should ignore their own comfort or needs in order to conform enough to be attractive."

- that_personoverthere

Gut Health and Mental Health

"Food quality is intentionally low to increase the "need" for medication & supplements. Adequate health care is unaffordable to keep the workers in the ACA gap from living long enough to benefit from the social security that they have contributed to for their whole working lives."

- borkydorkyporky

"The food we have been eating in the United States is a huge part of the mental illness going on today."

- TheBozKnight

"I started eating 'cleaner,' and I am not perfect, but I notice such a tremendous change in my energy and overall being for the positive."

- purplehotcheeto

"100%, it is now being accepted and studied that our gut is directly connected to our brain and has a huge impact on mental health."

- SeatLong5131

The Unusual Rich

"I firmly believe rich people (given the few I've interacted with) think way, way differently than normal people. That shouldn't be surprising given the fact that they have enough money and probably power to basically do whatever they want and nobody will stop and say, 'Not enough money in the world that I should let you.'"

"They live with far fewer boundaries than most of us."

- MisanthropeNotAutist

No More Dentist Appointments

"Scientists have found a way to protect our teeth from plaque and cavities years ago but because of the lobbying money, they have been stopped from commercializing it."

- sonia72quebec

Pluto Held a Grudge

"We live in a plutocracy."

- Bad_Inteligence

"That's impossible, Pluto's not even a planet anymore."

- zsero1138

"Why do you think they demoted it to begin with?"

- AlwaysSaysRobot

Passing the Test

"Remember when we redirected that asteroid last year as a test, called DART? Yeah, I don't think that was a test."

"It doesn't matter, though. I'm glad it worked."

- no_onion_no_cry

A Troubling Trade

"That Reagan conspired with the Revolutionary Iranian government to not free US hostages until and unless he was elected in 1980."

"The Iranian hostage crisis was very damaging politically for Carter, who was a very likable and decent man. Americans sitting in Iranian jail cells severely eroded Carter's political position going into the 1980 election, and Reagan knew it."

"The hostages were released on the very day that Reagan took office, 20 Jan. 1981, literally, just MINUTES after he was sworn in. To this day, Iran has offered no formal explanation."

- VibrantPianoNetwork

No Progress

"I wouldn't say 'believe' as it's more highly suspect that it's true:"

"The American political system has one party with two sides. One side placates the populace while making as little change as possible. When people get fed up with that side they vote in the other, who rushes in pro-one percent policy and other things that further consolidate power away from the populace."

"That way we are always taking one step forward but three steps back."

- Patcher404

The Uno Reverse Card

""Questions like this get posted online by Feds so they can aggregate popular or new conspiracies. (This is a sarcastic comment but also... not.)"

- FactualStatue

"I think about this sometimes. Create bulls**t online just to see which groups are the most susceptible, or post stuff like this to get new ideas of what to push."


They're All We Have...

"No one is secretly in charge from the shadows. The politicians we have are actually the leaders of the world and are genuinely what people voted for."

"There are few things scarier than that."

- m0le

Whether or not we choose to believe in these theories, it's clear why they would be terrifying to those who choose to believe in them.

But also, some of these arguments are pretty compelling, and it's equally understandable how a person could come to believe some of these theories.

Conspiracy theories don't all have to be about bird props and witch hunts, after all.

Shot Through The Heart! These Waiters Witnessed Valentine’s Day Disasters
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Valentine’s Day is a day of love and romance, but not for everyone. For some, Valentine’s Day is a day for broken hearts, breakups and blowups. Workers and patrons at restaurants and bars have a front-row seat to some of the most awkward, abysmal and just plain awful Valentine’s Day moments, where attempts at love don’t always have a fairy tale ending.

Three’s A Crowd

stage door band and crew onlyPhoto by seabass creatives on Unsplash

I used to be a professional musician and the four-piece band I was in got booked for a Valentine’s Day event in a local bar. The guitarist invited his girlfriend down so they could be together on the night. What he hadn't counted on was his WIFE getting the night off work and coming to the show too as a Valentine’s surprise.

Everything was fine for the first set of the night. Then the problems began when both the girlfriend and the wife met in the band room backstage. Most of the band escaped the obvious row that was coming and waited by the bar for the second set. What we saw next was the most outrageous show of a woman’s scorn anyone has ever seen!

The wife ran onstage and began trashing his guitars and all his pedals, leads, and amp. No one dared to stop her. She was rightly angry. Shortly after she left the stage, the girlfriend had her turn, destroying whatever was left of his gear. Between both cheated women, they caused around $2,000 worth of damage to his set up. Needless to say, we played the second set as a three-piece, but it was quite a show!


Just Desserts

At the beginning of the evening, a man at our restaurant gave me a ring to bring out to his table with dessert. The couple began arguing before they even ordered and ended up screaming at each other in the restaurant. My manager made me ask the guy, as discreetly as I could, if he still wanted the ring with the dessert. It was that bad.

I didn't want to, but I asked. Big. Mistake. He then started to scream at me that of course he still wanted the ring. He was right, after all, it wasn't my business. So I brought out the ring. She said, "Are you serious?" and left. Then the man screamed at me again when I wouldn't let him chase after her and leave without paying.

In the end, the guy just threw the money on the table with a huge tip, but I think he just gave what he had and left. He had made such an insane scene that we had to give free desserts to the tables next to them to make up for ruining their evening. After the service, I told my manager I was never questioning a client's request again.


One Ring To Fail Them All

There was a couple seated a few places away from us. They sat far enough away so that we couldn't hear the conversation, but it was obvious that they were arguing. The waiter did his spiel on the set tasting menu and handed out a beverage list. The guy orders a bottle of vino for both of them and she interrupts with, "I'm good I'll just have water."

They continued over a very uncomfortable meal, during which he kept asking stuff. She'd respond with increasingly annoyed no's. The waiter returns and notices that appetizers hadn't even been touched yet. He tops off her water and his drink, then asks if everything was tasting alright. He finishes with an, "I'll give you guys some more time to enjoy."

She was now loudly enough that we could understand her now. "I can't keep doing this with you." She angrily forks into her appetizer and finishes just in time for the entree to arrive. The arguing continues, and the guy is looking increasingly nervous. Suddenly, he gets down on one knee. She said, "Oh God, no." He takes her hand to put the ring on it.

She snatches her hand away like he's lava. He still wasn’t reading the signals and said, "Will you do..." She bursts into tears. Everyone in the entire restaurant, who didn’t really understand the context of the situation, sighed an audible "Awww!" She said, "I can't believe you would even ask after what you did. I told you I needed space. I don't even know if I can trust you anymore."

After that, things were kind of a blur. I think she threw a couple of $20s on the table, then ran out. He stayed on the ground, still holding up the ring like he wasn't done proposing yet. The waiter returned with one of those sweet lava cakes topped with a little "She said yes!" thing. It was absolutely excruciating from beginning to end.


Wing And A Prayer

A couple comes in and sits down in my section. I walk over just as the lady stands to go to the restroom and grab their drink orders. The lady goes to the bathroom and the gentleman says he knows what they want for appetizers. He orders boneless wings in two sauces. I run off to fetch their drinks and put their order in.

A couple of minutes later I'm returning with their appetizer. By this point, the lady had returned to the table. I set the basket down and she stares at it with surprise. "What's this?" I reply, "It's the appetizer that was ordered. Is it okay?" This woman turns to her partner and proceeds to loudly and thoroughly chew him out. How dare he order wings for an appetizer when he knew she wanted wings for dinner!

She runs on and on about how stupid he was for ordering wings first and I could just see the poor guy curl in on himself and slowly die inside. I stated I would give them a few more minutes and hurried away. The dinner was very tense and awkward after that. They barely spoke to me and I swear didn't utter another word to each other.

I felt so bad for the guy because he ordered wings since she obviously must have made it clear she wanted them and got torn a new one for it.


No Stalling

I went into the bathroom at a restaurant on Valentine’s Day and made an...interesting discovery. Not only was there a man in the woman's washroom, he was down on one knee, sobbing as he proposed to a woman in a bathroom stall. She said no.


Silent Night

person sitting in front of brown wooden tablePhoto by Ant Rozetsky on Unsplash

I witnessed one of the most awkward dates on Valentine's Day from a table that sat across from us. Both the guy and girl were on their phones the entire night, when the waitress came to get their food order neither even looked up at her to order. I was close enough to them where I would be able to hear their conversation.

Not a word was ever said. The girl at one point abruptly stood up and left (me thinking she was going to ditch the guy) but she came back and sat down. Again no exchange of words, not even a " where did you go?" That couple finished before us, and when the bill came they both awkwardly stared at it and didn't touch it.

The waitress came back 10 minutes later to check on them and said something like " I'll come back when you are ready" with the most uncomfortable smile on her face. Finally, the guy just takes the book bill thing and puts his card in. They leave.


Love Hits The Brakes

I've worked in restaurants for 14 years, so you know my worst Valentine's Day story is going to be a doozy. One time, I had a guy ask me to help him bring the ring and champagne after dinner so he could propose to his girlfriend. Being a woman and wanting to witness the romance, I hid around the corner so I could kind of peek at them.

They were lovey-dovey all through dinner and everything seemed good and I fully expected her to say yes when he asked. She didn’t. In fact, the woman did not react well at all. She told him no and that she was planning on breaking up with him. She added the only reason she was on this date with him is that he said he bought her something special for Valentine's Day.

She thought he was going to buy her the car she asked him for, and she was going to dump him next week. Then she said since you didn't get the car, she's dumping him now and she left! The guy was devastated! I felt so bad for him. I will remember her for the rest of my life because how could I not? What a greedy woman.


Sweet Ending

We had a classic of a couple coming in all dressed up and out for their romantic dinner, but as the meal went on they gradually got tenser and their muttered argument slowly became very loud. Walking back over to refill drinks or take plates seemed to make it even worse, but I couldn't just leave their (very small) table covered in the stuff.

By dessert, WWIII had broken out, and the evening ended with the guy getting a bowl of chocolate cake and ice cream emptied over his head. I still have no idea what they were arguing about, but the poor guy just sort of shoved a load of money on the table and ran out of there after his partner.


Pizza Prognosticator

I used to work at a very local, family-owned, pizza place. It was packed and we only had two counter girls (myself and my girlfriend, whose dad owned the restaurant). We had a special on these really cute heart-shaped pizzas. One couple ordered one of them and my girlfriend brought it out, but got bumped because it was so crowded.

When she dropped the pizza it broke clean in half which I have to admit was super weird because it was sliced into eighths. The girl who ordered the pizza had a zodiac tattoo and was wearing a bunch of crystals. She got up immediately, pointed at the pizza and started yelling about how it was a sign and stormed out of the store after breaking up with him. We think he dodged a bullet.


Flowing With Emotion

A woman was eight months pregnant. A guy brings her in for Valentine's Day and has the mariachi band sing their love song. He pulls out the expected ring and she says yes. Things looked perfect! Only spicy Mexican food is perhaps not the best choice when your eight months pregnant. She hurriedly shuffled to the restroom five times. The fifth, she...didn't quite make it.

It's a tiny community, so I met them years later at a wedding party. I walked up and introduced myself. I mentioned I had met them years ago. "I was there years ago when y'all got engaged. The emotions were just... flowing that night?" The husband laughed until he cried, the poor wife just covered her face in shame.


Living Large

person holding black smartphone in carPhoto by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash

I used to work the drive-through at Burger King and I overheard this conversation on Valentine's Day while taking a car's order. Girl: “Get me a #3.” Guy: “It's Valentine's Day baby, you can supersize it!”


Do Or Dine

I was a waiter at The Pasta House. At this time, another server was pregnant and trying to cover as many shifts as possible before she had the baby. In February, she asked if she could work Valentine's Day for me and I said sure. Dinner reservations fell through for my date and me so we decided to see if I could get a table at the restaurant where I worked.

I walked in the door only to see that they were absolutely slammed. The place was FULL of customers. As I came in, my manager said, "Thank God you got my message. She we went into labor and we need you to take tables." I told them I wasn't there to work, but to go on a date. My boss was so mad that I didn't get to work that he fired me. On Valentine's Day!


Dress For Unsuccess

My wife and I were out for Valentine's day and the couple next to us were having a breakup dinner. Oh, and it got worse. They were breaking up right before their impending wedding. She was in an early 90's prom dress. He was in a suit jacket and tie. She was loaded and getting loud about losing the deposit for the reception hall. She finally took a swing at him and the host escorted them both out.

Her poofy dress knocked over a couple of drinks on the way out. What an emotional rollercoaster.


Wasted Space

I worked as a hostess at a busy higher-end restaurant. I was working at the front door with my friend. The place was packed and the waitlist was extremely long. A woman came in by herself and was a little upset to have to wait for a table. Since she was only a party of one, we found a space for her at the bar while she waited. It was about an hour wait for a table. While sitting tight for a table, this woman proceeded to get completely wasted.

She kept coming up to us and asking about her table and we kept updating her about the time. While she was standing there, a group of people came in and we sat them right away because they had reservations. She then started yelling at us and dumped her drink on my friend's head. The manager did not kick her out. We still had to accommodate her.


Ex’s and Oh’s

I've seen a doozy or two in my time as wait staff at El Nonno's. The worst one is when my girlfriend came in with my best friend. I thought they were there to surprise me. Nope, this was their way of telling me that they're dating each other now. And I was stuck as their server. But this pales in comparison to when they visited the restaurant the next time.

So my now ex-girlfriend and ex-best friend came in again and had their wires completely crossed. My ex-girlfriend thought she was going to get a marriage proposal, but my ex-friend came to the restaurant to come out of the closet and confess his love for me. Then three was the time my boyfriend and my former boss came in together, and I naively thought this was a surprise.

It turns out they both forgot I worked there and came in to have an affair. My ex-boss was cheating on his wife, and my boyfriend was cheating on me. That restaurant was insane.


Insult To Injury

man kneeling in front of womanPhoto by Ben White on Unsplash

I was eating in a restaurant on Valentine’s Day and saw this guy kneel to propose. We were all happy for them until the girl said no. She used some lame excuse, something along the lines of, “Mike, I just don’t think that you’re the one, you know? Poor Mike is all sad and gets up to leave. He comes back two minutes later to get his wallet and sees her doing something shocking.

Literally minutes after turning down a proposal, this girl is talking to the waiter at the restaurant and, get this, swapping numbers with him. Mikey grabs some random couples’ drink and throws it on the floor yelling about their year-long relationship ending. He then stormed off and she just grabs the nearest guy and jams her tongue down his throat.


A Bad Reaction

As a bartender, I saw a guest in the restaurant throw up on his steak not even a minute after it was placed in front of him. His date kept surprisingly calm for that scenario.



One of our favorite regular customers brought in her boyfriend for the first time and in her excitement, she bumped into a table and knocked someone’s cup off, which isn’t bad but in her haste to pick up the cup she hit her head on the corner of the metal table and cut her forehead open. It looked like a horror movie scene.

We cleaned her up and gave them a stack of free food cards because she’s awesome and we love her.


Checking Out

Yesterday in the grocery store I worked at, an angry couple came in right at 11:59 p.m., and tried to buy some booze after midnight. Our machines won’t let us do that after midnight. The couple got angry at each other and kept calling each other names in front of me. Finally, she says: “I’ve had it! I hate you anyway! I’m dumping you!” Guy: “You aren’t hot anyway!” Neither bought anything and scurried off.

Happy Valentine’s Day.


Not Using His Noodle

So, I had some guy who couldn't understand the concept of ravioli. He kept asking if we served "hollowed out spaghetti" (his words) and stuffed it with lobster. I said no, but we did use pasta. He kept reiterating that he wanted pasta. It finally dawned on me, "Sir, do you think that spaghetti is the Italian word for pasta?"

His date was unimpressed, but I finally get him down for an order of lobster ravioli, even though he still seemed unaware of what he was ordering. After he got his food, ate one of the ravioli, he said to me, like I was the dumbest guy on the planet, "Bro, all you had to do was tell me that they were Boyardee’s. I know what those are."


Material Girl

a necklace with a ring on top of itPhoto by Robin Edqvist on Unsplash

I was just getting off of work around 3 p.m. so I headed to do some grocery shopping and I saw a guy looking frantically through his shopping bags so I asked if he needed help with something. He confessed that he had bought a Wal-Mart necklace for his girlfriend because she told him if she didn't get something expensive she would leave him.

He had purchased it, but he had taken his eyes his bags for a moment and when he checked his bags again, the necklace was gone. He told me he had just been laid off and didn't have the heart to tell her no. I felt about an inch tall, helping him try to find a cheap necklace, knowing that no matter how good a guy or how bad a circumstance, some people are so materialistic that someone giving their all is still not enough.

I hate Valentine's day, I wasn't single last night, but boy I feel heartbroken for that guy.


Ring Of Fire

I worked at a fine dining restaurant years ago. A middle-aged guy came up to me, handed me a gorgeous sapphire and diamond ring and asked me to have the pastry chef include it with his companion's dessert. The chef found beautiful blooms to decorate her dessert plate and placed the ring in the middle of one. Her reaction, however, wasn’t what anyone expected.

She saw the ring, took it out of the flower, and placed it on the table. Then, she picked up her fork and started to eat her dessert without saying anything at all. The ring must have been an extravagant apology on his part and she was having none of it. I was tempted to say that if she didn't want the ring, I'd take it off her hands!


A Messy Breakup

I bartend. I'm assuming this couple was on a date. They just ordered their food. In less than 10 minutes of their date, I saw the girl take a drink and throw it on the guy. It hit the people behind him, the walls, and it soaked the floor too. She immediately walked out in tears. The guy's face as he just sat there soaked was indescribable. It was the most movie-like break up I've ever seen happen in real life.


Raw Responses

So the pizza place I work for cuts all the pepperoni pizzas into hearts and we had to make about 450 of those, plus 250 more pizzas, in four hours. Our slogan is “Take and Bake”, so we make the pizzas and you take them and bake them at home. Several times, we had people get their pizzas at the end of the line and go “It’s not cooked.” Deadpan, my coworker looked at them and said “Yes.” to every single one of them.

Also, I took a phone call, and I said “When will you be coming to get your pizza?” and she goes, “Actually I’d like it delivered.” Needless to say, we didn’t deliver it, and she hung up.


Sweet Nothings

Last year I worked at a high-end sweets shop. Everything is top-notch as advertised, it was what people were willing to do for it that scared me. Chocolate covered strawberries? $50 per box of four. We couldn't keep them in stock, and more than a few sweaty husbands begged us to make more and throw them in any container we had.

One guy walking in on Valentine's morning offered to pay us double, even without the fancy romantic packaging (we didn't take it). We had also sold a big embroidered heart-shaped box for nearly $100. One guy asked us how much it cost, left, and came back later with his friend. He'd asked him for a loan. To buy V-Day chocolates. Relationships are wild.


Abrupt Ending

man standing and holding platePhoto by Louis Hansel on Unsplash

One of my friends is a server at a fancy restaurant in my city. He said that on one Valentine's Day, he walked by a table and heard the boyfriend say, "Well, once again, I'm sorry to disappoint" in a really nasty tone. Things got real awkward and quiet for another 20 minutes, then the couple got their check and quickly walked out.


Trying To Impress

We had a reservation for a kid’s birthday party on the bus (our restaurant has an old-school bus fitted with retro tables). A preteen couple comes in and the guy gets mad because we told him we couldn’t seat them on the bus due to the reservation. He tried to force his way up after being told repeatedly no. Pretty sure he was trying to impress his date, who watched this all unfold and looked completely mortified.

This One Is Sad...

My friends and I met up at this big food court to hang out. One of my pals got there an hour early and saw this one dude with a bouquet and a giant teddy bear. Almost five hours later we came back to the food court for lunch and the guy was still there with no date. He left shortly after and we watched him make a call, throw the flowers at the ground, pick them back up, and leave.


One Man’s Trash...

A few years ago my family and I bought some ice cream and when we went to throw the wrappers in a garbage can on the street, we found a perfectly intact and nice bouquet inside. We got the bouquet out, and we could tell it had been thrown out recently. There was a card but it only had the name of the florist on it. So we took it with us.

We had to meet with my grandma and her boyfriend right after, and they were like ''Why are you bringing us such a nice bouquet out of the blue like that?'' and we were just laughing as we just picked it up from a garbage can. We told them the story and they kept the bouquet for a week.


This One Takes The (Cheese)Cake

My wife and I went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch, in a bid to avoid the crowds. Next to us, a dude got down on one knee and proposed (yes, in a Cheesecake Factory). The waitress was filming it, people were watching, she saw the ring and started crying, he smiled, and all looked good. Oh, how wrong we were. When my wife and I left 20 minutes later, she was still crying, covering her face, and he wasn’t smiling anymore.

I couldn’t hear well enough to know what they were talking about, but they kept speaking in low voices. Didn’t look good.


Forget Me Not

green and red labeled plastic packPhoto by Franki Chamaki on Unsplash

I walked into a grocery store which was pretty packed with frantic-looking Valentine’s Day shoppers. I walked in at the same time as another man with a confused look on his face and I heard him say out loud to himself, “Man, the store is pretty packed for a Friday evening.” Then, we both turn the corner and are met with all of the last minute flower arrangements and Valentine’s cards layout.

I see the man completely freeze and again out loud, he says “Oh.. no... no no no! Today is Valentine’s Day? Oh no!” As he quickly runs to the chocolate section, joining the rest of the panic-stricken dudes with the same looks on their faces. Hope those dudes are all still alive this morning.


Location Revealed

I worked a 14-hour shift then wanted to meet up with my boyfriend afterwards to give him his Valentine’s Day gift. He gave me an address and when I showed up, my jaw dropped. I realized it’s a sleazy club (he did not tell me what it was and only gave me an address that I used to call an Uber). So I went inside, balloons and gift in-hand, I found him, dropped off his gift and Uber’d back home alone.


Bad News And Good News

I had a man who was verbally inappropriate at his wife at my table, and I don’t mean talking over her and being rude. I mean saying things like, “What do you think you’re doing you stupid bimbo?” and, “I’ll give you $36,000 to get out of here right now you piece of slime.” I had four different tables complain about them and we eventually asked them to leave.

I’ve never seen anything like it before, at one point the guy went to the restroom and I went up to the wife and asked if I could help in any way and if she was alright. I’ve never wanted to assault someone in my life more than that piece of garbage. We also had something really good happen when our chef and her girlfriend got engaged at the end of the night! It kind of balanced it out.


“Utter Madness”

I ran the front desk to a hotel solo one Valentine’s Day. It was utter madness. We sold out with reservations, and there was a solid stream of locals coming in expecting to get rooms and then arguments with their disappointed dates when they were informed that we were booked solid. There were complaints from travellers just passing through and an older couple staying for a sports event about "loud amorous noises" emanating from rooms near theirs.

The phones were ringing off the hook from people looking to book Jacuzzi rooms when everyone in the city had been reserved in advance. There was a ridiculously inebriated guy getting dropped off in a taxi expecting to get a room after we'd sold out. He was irate and yelling, "What am I supposed to do now? Go sleep in the streets?"

Someone thought it would be a great idea to dump a trail of glitter and rose petals down an entire hallway leading to their room. And this was just the 3-11 p.m. shift. R.I.P. third shift and the morning housekeepers.


Table Service

When I was a server/bartender we had a frequent escort come to our restaurant. It was pretty obvious she was an escort as this restaurant was in a wealthy neighborhood and she would be with a different man every time. Once when I served her she said to me I'd make good money if I joined her company. So on Valentine's Day, she came in…

She was wearing big, gold hoop earrings, chest hanging out of a floral dress and fake designer bag. She sat down with an elderly man who I figured was married because he was wearing a wedding band. Anyway, long story short she was doing something inappropriate to the man under the table. The manager kicked her out and she never came back



a mcdonald's sign and a mcdonald's sign on a cloudy dayPhoto by Jonas Augustin on Unsplash

I was in McDonald’s and I see two people at a table having a Valentine’s Day date with a red tablecloth and candles with fancy napkins and their order number card on the table. Honestly, props to them. Looked fun.


Recipe For Disaster

One man, one very angry woman, one very full glass of merlot, and one impeccably white button-up shirt. You can guess what happened.


Nothing Special

Had a woman come into a fine dining restaurant and tell me she was allergic to allium (garlic, shallots, etc), processed sugar, gluten, and salt. It's a four-course prix fixe menu for $150/person. Her partner had an excellent meal and such a wonderful experience. She essentially had crispy rice, steamed broccoli and cauliflower, pepper rubbed Arctic char, and skipped dessert. She did not have a wonderful experience.

I would have felt bad for her, but we go out of our way to give them the menu ahead of time, call to confirm that you're okay with the reservation and menu, and approve that the $150 price was legit. But she just kept throwing a stink because she must have expected us to create an entirely new menu just for her and it should have been just as amazing as the other food our 250 guests were eating. In the end, I charged her full price and got that 20% tip.

A note for those who don't restaurant often: Don't assume you're special on a holiday where everyone thinks they're special. You're not that special.


Faking It

I was at a fast-food place alone on Valentine's Day because I'm a lonely guy. The dude in front of me straight up asked the cashier if the cook could make the best looking burger possible because he forgot he was cooking for his wife and wanted to pass it off at home as though he made it for a romantic dinner. Oh, buddy.


Skin Deep

We're in the last hour of service, but we've about emptied out. A couple sat at the bar for about 30 minutes before ordering potato skins two minutes before closing and then asked me to remake them twice. They gave me some dirty looks when I put all my 'go home' stuff near them, so I said, "I'm not sure if anyone told you, but it's my Valentine's day too".


Phone Fail

selective focus photography of person using smartphonePhoto by freestocks on Unsplash

A guy and girl come in. They order food and everything seems all good, then the girl leaves her phone and goes to the bathroom. The guy picks up her phone and starts snooping and the girl comes back and catches him red-handed. She is understandably angry and asks for their food to go. When she gets it she socks him in the chest and leaves. He paid for everything and quietly left immediately after.


Love Requires Patience

I work at a pizza place, where we served heart-shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day. They took twice as long to put in a pan, and nobody was allowed to order ahead of time. Online orders weren’t going through properly so we had some customers waiting for their pizza for a solid 40-50 minutes. Short-staffed on delivery drivers as well. Overall pretty stressful.


A Waiting Game

A group sitting at a table next to mine had an absolute meltdown because their food took too long to arrive. Most of them just left and the last few asked if they could just box it up and leave when the food arrived. They got it all on the house.


Breaking The Silence

I was working in an extremely quiet, high end bar a couple of years ago, one couple was sitting in a corner booth having a screaming argument. Very, very awkward.


Don’t Make Eye Contact

I've seen too many Valentine’s Day couples who spend 99% of the time looking at their phones. So sad. So lonely.


Take The Good With Bad

burger with lettuce and tomato on white ceramic platePhoto by Juan Rojas on Unsplash

I work at a small local Mexican restaurant. I can't think of any disaster that happened at work for Valentine’s Day, but my girlfriend did dump me before I left for work. Then a girl from one of my tables left her number so the universe is looking out for me.


Love Hurts

Worst Valentine's Day I ever saw? Easy. I once witnessed a full-blown divorce discussion, in which the woman left and the man finished the last three courses of their tasting menu when she waited for a taxi in our lounge.


Valentine’s Lost

My mom has been a waitress for more than 25 years and has worked her fair share of Valentine's Days. She says she's sen a lot of sad stuff, but it's the worst when little old men or women come in and eat alone because their husband or wife had passed recently and they just sit there and cry. My mom will sit down with them and give them hugs.


What’s The Problem?

I had a brief stint as a waiter in high school. This one couple looks very sweet and loving, with no apparent problems. The girl got down on her knee and asked him to marry her. The man's response was chilling. He started laughing hysterically and explained to her that proposing is a man's job, not a woman's. She was furious.

She started screaming about how inappropriate that was, then got her stuff and stormed out. He looked completely bewildered.



Her: Man, this is a great steak!

Him: Did you say this is a great date?