Washing windows for work is the closest a person can get to professionally becoming "a fly on the wall." Those guys must see everything.
A recent Reddit thread went straight to the source. The window cleaners of the internet were asked to share the most bizarre things they've ever witnessed on the job.
Biggest common theme of the thread? Sex and nudity. A LOT of different versions of both.
Of course, most of the people seen regretted being caught with whatever they were doing. (Most, but not all.) However, these window washer stories conveyed another encouraging truth: they're at work and they have very little interest in blabbing about what they just saw.
camelreiter asked, "Window cleaners of Reddit, what are your stories you witnessed on the job?"
The Naked Truce
"So I was on a ten story, early in the morning, first drop of the day. Top floor, naked man, nothing but a teal eye mask on, not my thing. Next floor, naked woman in her kitchen, 80, looked like a puppet out of a Genesis video. Also not my thing."
"About an hour or two later, elsewhere on the building, an older woman offers me some cookies out a window. I see that the initial woman is kinda hiding in the shadows."
"She felt bad about flashing me and went to her friend's apartment to give me cookies. That was a weird day."
"Never saw anything I particularly wanted to though."
"I worked retail and once a month a window cleaner lady would come in and clean the store windows. She told me that one time she was cleaning the windows from the inside of the Apple store and a man walks by and licks the outside part of the window she was cleaning."
"She was upset since she had already cleaned it and would have to clean it again, but responded by telling the man, "Good thing I haven't cleaned that side.' "
"The man got upset and went to look for a manager."
The Pornographic Elephant in the Room
"I'm at this bank. I'm always doing the outside first then inside. Everyone usually pay us no attention but when they notice we are washing the outside window they shut down Facebook or amazon and open a blank spreadsheet."
"Not even a project just a blank spreadsheet."
"Anyway, usually when I cast a shadow or bang my wool brush against a window they look around and do the 'I was working I swear' dance, but I do this to the bank managers window and hes completely unphased. I think oh maybe hes actually doing work and thus unafraid.
"But then my squeegee comes around and I see what hes locked into."
"I now think 'oh please don't notice me now' then it happens. My squeegee jumps across the window and the manager looses it."
"He jumps up and hit both knees on the desk. He can't decide between nursing his legs or turning off the porn so left handed he's trying to turn it off. Minimizes and there's more videos."
"He looks back at me and tries to cover his face. He mashes the keyboard and now i can hear it through the window. He dives and pulls the chord and he just lays there."
"I move away continuing my work as I realize... I gotta go in there. I do the entire rest of the bank before this office. I prepare for the worst, an entitled angry response or a super awkward run out of the room."
"But he looks up, smiles, asks what he can do for me to day, (just here to get the windows), thanks me, looks at his watch and says hes got a meeting and leaves."
"It was crazy casual, and i get the dude had his kink and clearly comfortable with it, but the casualness was completely unnerving after watching a dude dive headfirst into his desk."
Not Seen, But Felt
"Not a window cleaner, but my mom used to work on the top floor of a 32 floor building and there were some window cleaners a couple of floors down. My mom heard alarms going off in the building suddenly and she didn't know what was happening but it seemed bad."
"A few hours later she found out that the wind was so bad that day that the window cleaners where getting thrown around and smashing into a bunch of windows."
"Apparently the videos on the news showed them being pulled 20 ft away from the building in the heavy winds and they were just hanging on for dear life."
"They thankfully were rescued and no one got hurt, but they promptly quit."
A Sudden Stage
"Not much of a story, but you see a lot of peen. Mostly on 'accident' but also plenty of exhibitionists out there. I do lots of work in a largely gay town (seriously, more gay couples than straight)."
"They love seeing us young working guys come do their windows, and I don't blame them. Some will often will schedule us nearly weekly."
"I really don't mind it as a straight man, I find it quite flattering really. Some creepos like to show off their stuff though, and along with that i've seen plenty of full frontal nude dude art hanging on walls and what not."
Cartoonish Office Drama
"I used to work during my high-school years for my uncle's company off hours as window cleaner. One late afternoon when most employees of that office building already left, I saw a rather escalating fist fight between two employees and a rather helpless women trying to intervene a broomstick."
"One of those unreal moments of disbelieve and relieve to be the window cleaner on the other side."
And a Thrill it was
"I worked mostly residential. Homes up to 3 stories or so, and small commercial places. I was doing the insides in a home working my way around and when I got to the master bathroom, the bathroom door was closed."
"Now, the homeowners were well aware that we were there and I lightly knocked on the door before going in. Hearing no response, I opened the door."
"And there he was in all his glory. 70ish year old man, naked as the day he was born except for having his head covered by his towel. He didn't hear my knock but he heard the door open and said something like 'is that you, honey?' thinking his wife had walked in."
"I was shocked and mumbled something like 'oh sorry' and quickly backed out. Ordinarily I worked from the door and went clockwise around the house but I went straight back to the front door to work counter-clockwise back to the master (giving him some time to get decent)."
"I told the wife that I had accidentally walked in on her husband as he was getting out of the shower and she was *tickled.* She told me he's deaf as a stump and probably had no idea, but she hoped I'd enjoyed my 'thrill' for the day."
A Safe Haven Any Other Day
"I work on a small team of only women. We usually only have like 3 people in the office on the weekends and we are on the third floor."
"My colleague decided to pump breast milk in her cubicle and just told us not to come over until she gave the okay. Not unusual."
"Right as she started pumping completely uncovered, a random window cleaner descended from above and she let out a shriek. I don't think he even noticed right away, but then we watched him quickly try to scurry away from the window. He never came back to clean those windows, lol."
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