Wife Wishes To Purchase Headstone For Deceased Father, Husband Thinks She Should Get Cosmetic Surgery Instead
It seems like a no brainer, but shallow men always ruin the course of someone else's life.
u/Ta12949 laid out the problem:
My [23F] loving dad passed away a while ago. My family cannot afford to get him a proper headstone. I want to pay for it, but my fiancé [24M] doesn't want me too even though we have plenty of money.
My dad and I had a very special bond. He was my everything. He passed away last Father's Day suddenly and in a very traumatic way which (I won't get into.) I'll just say that I held him to the very end. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me and on Father's Day of all days.
My family is very poor so he was creamated and buried. He doesn't have a headstone, just a tiny grave marker, which bothers me a LOT. I loved him so, he deserves a proper memorial because he was truly the most wonderful person I have ever known and he gave me everything.
I recently got my first job as an RN and my fiancé works in the space industry as an engineer. He makes plenty of money for us and happily provides. We keep all our money together. But now since I got a job, I am more able to contribute and save for things I want. I don't have a ton of money since I just started, but the job pays well and I have enough that it would not really affect our financial situation to buy him a headstone.
My fiancé thinks it's not a good use of my money. I have a lot of broken teeth and I have always wanted to get them fixed cosmetically. My fiancé thinks this is a better use of my money, but I disagree. I can live with broken teeth a little while longer and it's not nearly as important to on me as giving my father a proper memorial. I think it would improve my mental status from the trauma of what happened to know he is being remembered properly.
How do I approach this? Thanks.
tl;dr fiancé doesn't want me to buy a headstone for my dad.
Here's some of the advice she got.
One
So, I was in a similar situation, my father died suddenly and I had crappy teeth. What I'd recommend is getting dental insurance, and starting on fixing your teeth, while also setting money aside for your father's stone. Take the time to decide with your family what you want, gather the deposit, etc. I recommend getting started with the teeth, though, because your smile is important, too. I was ashamed of my teeth, and how bad I let them get, so I wasn't smiling with my teeth showing, etc. Maybe I'm projecting, but I would sit down with your fiance, and see how both goals can be achieved. It shouldn't be one or the other, in my mind, both are important, for your physical and mental health. My condolences for the loss of your father, it sucks and it hurts. But you and yours are the most important memorial to him, don't forget that.
Two
Firstly I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your Father and even more sorry that it was in traumatic circumstances.
" as an engineer "
It's a stereotype, but I do wonder if your husband-to-be suffers from engineer's brain. Sometimes people who excel as engineers do so because they are intensely practical and sometimes they can be lacking in the emotional intelligence department.
I'm raising this because his actions in your OP make him seem somewhat unkind and thoughtless, where in reality it might be that he just doesn't really get how his actions make you feel because he can't see past the practical very well. I find it interesting that he's fixed on your teeth as an issue. Your teeth are a practical problem that he can fix, whereas he can't fix the horrible thing that happened to your family. I wonder if he feels a bit hopeless himself so he's trying to ignore what happened and find something he can resolve?
You haven't raised in your OP that you have any other concerns about your Fiance and you haven't told us that this is anything other then a happy relationship. So with that in mind, I think it's worth trying to explain again just how important this is to you. Explain that you understand that this is a lot of money to spend when the money could be spent elsewhere, but that this is important to you emotionally and that you won't feel right in yourself unless it's done.
I think in every marriage there are things that your partner wants or needs that you don't really 'get'. It could be a hobby, a taste in music, a love for a particular brand or a personal goal that just doesn't hold any fascination for you personally. It's important to give your partner the space to do/achieve/acquire the things that are important to them, even if you can't understand it. Hopefully you can get your fiance to see that while he might not understand your need to provide a headstone for your father, that it's important to you and it's just one of the things he needs to support you on even if it's something he can't understand himself.
Three
I am now 29 and my mother passed away when I was 20, 3months after I graduated from college. I say if this will give you peace of mind, do it. You can still provide for your teeth cosmetics afterall, or it can wait. What's important is this is what's important for you right now. Talk it out again with your fiance. He should understand. You're not throwing away money, you're buying peace of mind which shouldn't be neglected.
Four
I see a lot of people willing to jump on the hate train for the fiance here, honestly without actually knowing enough. Nowhere in the OP does she actually say how much she is wanting to spend. Some quick googling shows that you can easily spend tens of thousands on a fancy headstone. And the tone of OP's post really is suggesting to me that she is wanting something extravagant. Especially when she's comparing the cost to what sounds like full-mouth dental surgery.
So that's the question OP. How much exactly are we talking about? If your fiance is getting bent out of shape over you wanting to spend a few hundred or a couple K on a headstone, then he needs to get over it. Especially when you are an RN and he's an engineer. But if you're wanting to drop something like $10K on this, then you also need to understand why your partner might be less than enthusiastic about the prospect. Because that's the kind of amount that sets life plans back.
Five
I'm a parent. So from this perspective: I'd rather have my child fix her teeth than buy something for my grave that's effectively useless.
Having said this: it's your decision. Not your fiancé's.
Six
If it bothers you, then would suggest getting the headstone. Family and mental health are important and you don't want to have any regrets. Some points to consider though:
Your fiance is probably looking out for you in his own way and providing his opinion. Will this cause a rift/ argument between you two if you do go ahead and get the headstone? It really shouldn't I hope.
Are there any complications involved if you delay your dental treatment? Are there any payment plans that could make you take the treatment sooner rather than later?
Seven
Everyone here is so quick to call your partner horrible things when he's just seeing things differently to you.
He may not have a good relationship with his parents, and won't understand truly how you're feeling. He also may place little value in gravestones and other memorials. And as for everyone saying he's trying to "control" your finances, you've said you keep your money together and I don't doubt if he was going to be making a large purchase (which a headstone is), you'd have your say.
All in all, I'd say you need to sit him down, tell him you respect his opinion but this means a lot to you, more than dental surgery ever could. Even if he doesn't agree, he should have the decency to respect your decision
Eight
I think it's extremely rude and inconsiderate of your fiancée to try to control YOUR money like this? Firstly, he should have some sympathy and understand why you'd want to do this... if he can't see the importance, I think you should look for a new life partner. You should prioritize YOUR DAD right now and get him the headstone he deserves and screw what your fiancée says. It's YOUR money and YOUR feelings.
Nine
Remember that you earn your paycheck and so long as you pay your bills otherwise, you can spend extra money as you see fit. Your fiancé has no say in the matter currently. Once you combine finances (AFTER the wedding), this changes. If it is important to you, you need to move forward with it.
Ten
To me, OP, the main issue is that you think it would improve your mental status from the trauma. I don't quite grasp what is a "proper memorial stone". A sizeable one with loving words engraved on it that can be the outward symbol of the love you had for your father? One that you can visit and feel you honored him as best you could?
When I first started typing I was going to suggest that having your broken teeth fixed (both for cosmetic reasons and to save later possible painful issues) should be given prority. But then I realized how important to your mental health this is and that unless you're wanting a Taj Mahal type memorial, it will cost about the same as two tooth repairs.
Note as to my biases : this is my family history, but in the 30's my mother ordered a large, ornate statue style memorial on her mother's grave while her small son, my brother, was suffering from a medical condition they 'couldn't afford to treat.' My bias is toward the living.
Foods With Textures That People Can't Stomach No Matter How It's Served
Sometimes not liking a food is just a matter of trying it prepared a different way—sautéed instead of boiled, raw instead of cooked, chopped up really small.
But sometimes there's just no way to hide the texture of a particular food and, if you don't like it, it will ruin any dish it's a part of.
Redditor ohnoghostface asked:
"What’s a food that you hate the texture of, no matter how many times you try it?"
Fat
"This is probably a weird answer but fat. I mean the white or kind of clear lard that you can have on meat. It doesn't really taste like anything, but I will gag and probably vomit if I have to eat it. Same with chewy meat."
- HeidiSJ
"The texture is just disgusting.. when you eat a piece of fat and it turns out to be quite hard and rubbery I can't swallow it. Or some sausage that have big chunks of white fat in it.. disgusting. Why am I like this?"
- MissGetClapped
Okra
"Slime isn’t suppose to be okra shaped."
- theWildBore
"My husband Love it.... UGH... I cant even stand the smell!!!"
"But I like Spicy pickled Okra.... its the only way I will eat it, cooked? No Way Jose!!!"
- twinklemylittlestar
Liver
"Liver. It’s always grainy after a couple chews."
- FailedInfinity
"I fail at the smell and flavor of liver long before even getting to the texture."
- DeficientDefiance
Oysters
Oysters
- imrealbizzy2
"i don't like the thought of creamy smooth meat"
- NoAd3038
"Like salty phlegm"
- Tre_Vortni
Lima Beans
"Lima beans, Could never choke ‘em down. Gaggity gag gag."
- IAMABITCORNFUSED
"I'll gaggity gag gag right there with you. Growing up it was, 'No dessert until you eat those lima beans!' Fine, no dessert then. Then it was, 'Just eat 3 lima beans and you can be excused.' Nope, I'll sit here all night. I despise them to this day, at 63."
- shuknjive
Oatmeal
"Oatmeal. I've tried several types and they all make me gag and almost vomit"
- thedevilsgame
"I’m the same. It smells so good, but I just can’t do it."
- 22BreakfastBurritos
"When made as directed it's like wet cardboard. The first time I ever had it as a child I literally gagged."
"I make it once in awhile now but I use MUCH less liquid than directed and then it has a nutty taste. It's hard to get the right proportions though to make it edible so I rarely bother."
- blueberriesnectarine
Pears
"Pears. Too grainy. I can’t get over fruit having that kind of texture when chewing it."
- steelwoman11
"F**k em grainy fruits"
- litromenger
Water Chestnuts
"Water chestnuts. The flavor isn't great, but the texture is awful."
- MacSween3382
"I am glad to have found my person! I never have texture issues with anything else, but water chestnuts make me feel like I'm chewing on glass."
- SitDownShutDown
"Most hated vegetable in a stir fry!"
- MosquitoRevenge
Onion
"Onion. Something about the smoothness of it combined with the crunch just doesn't work. And you can't change my mind."
- Elyaron
"I love the taste of onion, but hate the texture. Like if something is onion flavored (like Indian curry) it's usually great. But the texture just ruins it when I can actually feel it in my mouth while eating."
- appleparkfive
"I recently had some Mac and cheese that had onions in it. Idk what psycho thought that was okay but I hope they lose their job as a cook before they ruin anymore classic dishes with unnecessary ingredients."
- ElevatedDiscGolf
Escargot
"Snails. The first time I tried them the server described them as mushroom-like. I could understand why they said that, but no. Much firmer- almost rubbery- while also being... gooshy. And briney to the point of almost tasting like they went bad. I tried 2 more times thinking they may have just not been made well before I gave it up."
- NewCountryGirl
"They were a fad (where I was anyway) back in the 70s. Every kitchen seemed to have snail cookers and servers of one sort or another. But the unspoken truth was that they mostly served as a vehicle to get the seasoned garlic butter in which they were drenched into your mouth*. They were okay, but I can't say I really know what one tastes like."
"*a slab of baguette sopped up the rest"
- carmium
"Same, not a bad flavour at all but the texture...Shiver"
- TheSmegger
Some foods just aren't for everyone, and food aversions are a very real part of a lot of people's lives.
If someone says they can't eat something, just trust them.
Trying to get them to eat it anyway might have some very unpleasant consequences for all involved.
We have a problem with guns.
Not just America, but humans in general.
Too many lives have been lost.
That's why it's so scary to think about a moment when one is directly pointing at you.
And you lived to tell the tale.
Redditor Vegere wanted to hear from everyone who has come face to face with weaponry and feels like sharing.
So they asked:
"Redditors who had a gun pointed at you, how are you still alive?"
Thankfully I have yet to face a real gun. I pray that continues.
Stop That!
season 2 gun GIF by PortlandiaGiphy"Friend was given a .22 handgun for his 8th-grade graduation. He started waving it around, I said stop that. He said it isn't loaded and pulled the trigger. The bullet went through my hair right above my right ear. Never spoke to that dumba** again."
Bigfoots44
Out of There...
"I was living in a rough neighborhood a couple of years ago. One evening I was walking to the local grocery store when I suddenly walked into this huge dude (195cm and 90kg so I'm not a small person myself). Before I knew it i was surrounded and dragged into an alley and had a gun pointed at me. One of the guys asked me to show an ID."
"At that point I thought they were under cover cops, but them all wearing balaclavas made me doubt that. I showed the my ID and they patted my shoulder, shook my hand and said they're sorry for getting the wrong guy. Then they left. Gangs were basically running that neighborhood and they were most likely looking for someone who owed them money."
"And I must've looked just like that guy. It could've been very traumatic but the fact that they apologized afterward actually made me feel safe lol, and I just shrugged it off. Still glad I'm not living there anymore though."
SnooRobots2119
"Have a nice day"
"Some parts of my country are just chaos. My dad was fixing this telecom tower like usual and I would go with him every once in a while. But this time is different, it was like 11pm and the area we went to is... you could say 'above the law' so the tower is in a mansion and we couldn't find anyone to tell them we're here but you could access the tower so my dad did anyway. After an hour, my dad was done and drove away, it was fine until he noticed 3 cars following us."
"He parks and a bunch of guys with guns walk out of their cars. My dad was chill trying to give them the car key, it's the company car anyways. Then they saw the company's logo on the car and they went 'oh' It was a misunderstanding and they were like 'have a nice day.'"
Utaha_Senpai
No Booze Please
"The person was playing around and thought the gun was unloaded. He pointed it at my head and was about to pull the trigger when my husband, who had been raised to learn that you never, ever point a gun at anyone grabbed it away from him. It turned out the gun was loaded. The person was an alcoholic and forgot that he had loaded the gun last time he got drunk."
Snoo_20029
Sheer Luck
"First time, armed robbery while at work years ago. He just wanted the money from the register so no big deal there. Second time… I didn’t even know a gun was pointed at me. Random shooting, I took a bullet to the back of the head while driving. Alive due to sheer luck."
Floptopus
Guns and people... what a mix.
Not Me
i give up GIF by Venom MovieGiphy"My vehicle fit the suspect description, but I didn't."
insertcaffeine
just missed...
"My dad was screwing around with a rifle pointing it at his sister and to his surprise it went off. It missed her but put a hole through the wall. My dad knew he'd be in trouble when his parents came home so he decided to go to bed early."
"His dad was a scrap iron recycler and was lifting heavy things all day. He could easily do one handed push ups."
"My dad said the next day his dad woke him up and without saying a word, motioned for him to go outside. His dad pointed to a tree. To this day, my dad has no idea how his dad wrapped the rifle around a tree, but there it was."
grewapair
In the Forest
"Years ago , first real job I was in training as a forest ranger and came upon a large group of men night hunting standing by several dead deer ,all were armed and as I exited the vehicle many of the guns were pointed in my direction. In training I was not armed and as they realized it guns were lowered. I was alone, unarmed, outnumbered and should have been writing summonses but I was just glad to leave."
clementine1864
Whoops
"I let the gun holder make the first moves. I didn't talk unless I was addressed first. I didn't move unless I was told to. I didn't try to run or leave until he left.
"And then I peed myself."
somethingsomewhere27
"Similar situation. I was stuck up in college (west Philly) and I just gave the guy what he wanted calmly. He had followed me into my house off campus. He then stole my bike and rode it off."
Pure-Ad2609
Fool
Big Boi Smh GIF by OutkastGiphy"My brother pointed a rifle at me, just fooling around. Aimed the gun down and slid the bolt, found the gun was loaded. He threw up."
1999falcon
I hate guns even more now.
Do you have a harrowing experience of your own to share? Let us know in the comments.
Things Management Of Five-Star Hotels Don't Want You To Know According To Employees
This might not surprise you much but you should never trust the glass in hotel rooms.
A relative of mine refuses to use glasses and would rather drink out of cups she brings with her. She said it was because hotel cleaning staff are so stretched for time that they will clean the glasses with the same rags they'd use to clean the bathrooms.
When she said that, it put me off using glasses put out in hotel rooms ever again.
But that's not the only horror story from the land of hotels, five star or otherwise.
People shared their stories with us after Redditor catstevenseagal asked the online community:
"People who work at 5-star hotels: what type of s**t goes on that management doesn’t want people to know?"
"Every single hotel..."
"Bedbugs. Every single hotel from run-down motels to 5-star resorts has dealt with bedbugs."
Soulilkeether
My worst nightmare. I dealt with them once and never, ever want to deal with them again.
"Our concierge..."
"Our concierge was Les Clefs D'or, had all the connections, this dude could get you into the French Laundry same day. He would often greet guests with sangria and sprigs of mint from his garden. Sometimes he had lemon slices from his tree too! He loved to tell guests all about his garden and they ate it up.
Yeah, that's all BS. Mint, lemon, and any other garnish we got from the local grocery store. The sangria? Cheapest boxed stuff we could find. But he sold the story like no other. At the end of the day, it worked."
Duwinayo
It's all about the image.
Guests at these fancy hotels might need to think twice about what they're paying for.
"Some were greeted..."
"We weren't allowed to greet celebrities by name since they wanted to be anonymous, so we would use their alias that day. Some were greeted by sex workers who were always super nice to everyone. A regular would rent out a room for a day, once a month, and make 30-40k that day from clients. Celebrities, business guys, you name it. Crazy."
Mubly
You've got to respect the hustle.
"I worked at one of the premier hotels at a ski resort in the country; top 10. Met celebrities, royalty, politicians, athletes."
"Hockey players are the nicest athletes by a wide margin. Royalty is great or more likely, awful. A-list celebrities want to be left alone or treated as just another person. Politicians are bigger aholes when they're with their families. Saw lots of sex, drugs, underage drinking, sex workers, the usual."
pdx4nhl
Duly noted. I will only hang out with hockey players from now on.
"In some places..."
"Dead people. In some places, there's a reasonable chance somebody has died in your bed. Obviously, it varies with the type of hotel and its clientele, but in some places you get deaths weekly (not that the hotel is unsafe but you have unfit old people over-exerting themselves). One place I worked maybe 40% of the beds had been died in."
KaneMomoa
I suppose this shouldn't come as a surprise. People die anywhere and everywhere all the time. Hotels are no different.
"What goes on..."
"What goes on in the room next to you. This week we had to evict and arrest a couple for causing over $15K in damages to a room. This was done quietly late at night and the nearby rooms never found out."
counterslave
When done correctly... no one will ever know.
These businesses have a reputation to uphold. They're not about to let something like that come out and make the news.
"NEVER EVER EVER..."
"NEVER EVER EVER (I REPEAT!!) USE A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN FROM A HOTEL OR BANQUET HALL!!!"
UnusualForm3237
Okay, okay! I believe you! I'm not going to do it!
Nor would I...
"Middle eastern royalty..."
"Middle eastern royalty ships in multiple Ferraris and Lamborghinis to the hotel from their home country to drive for the week; caught drag racing later that night by the cops in the neighborhoods of Beverly Hills."
candybarkiller
Middle eastern royalty is truly a different specimen altogether.
"A lot of lonely people..."
"A lot of lonely people going on vacation to end their life. Happens a lot but is never mentioned on the news."
Cool-Lemon-662
In quite a few states, there is an actual law for this. They must check.
"Worked at the high end restaurant at a ski resort that hosts a famous film festival. Lots of sex in the walk in coolers, but never the people you'd want to walk in on."
[deleted]
Oh dear.
Not that you'd join... that would be quite unprofessional.
Ask any of the hotel staff to share some stories with you the next time you stay somewhere. What they tell you might surprise you... or disturb you.
Have stories of your own? Feel free to share them with us in the comments below!
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/
As teenagers, most ambitious pre-adolescents looked forward to life beyond high school where the freedom for them to live their lives without the supervision of parents or guardians awaited them.
But when they barreled through phases of teen angst, obtaining driver's licenses, and finally being able to see an R-rated movie without sneaking into one, nothing could really prepare them for adulting.
Being told how to be an adult is one thing. Navigating through adulthood on your own, however, can be a very sobering experience.
Curious to hear of the trials and tribulations from strangers online, Redditor bathtub_seizure asked:
"What is an adult problem you were not prepared for?"
First, there are the responsibilities.
Finding Work
"The utter soul crushing search for a job."
– MaxTheSoccerDog
Series Of Unfortunate Events
"Same. I was out of work for years due to severe illness, then spent 8 months looking for any job possible but getting rejected everytime. I finally got 2 interviews lined up in April then coronavirus hit and they got cancelled! I cannot catch a break..."
– tickleapicl
Better Than The Alternative
"Not being able to leave a job you hate because you might just become homeless without it."
– Go_J
Then comes the pain and suffering.
People Come And Go
"Losing people. Loved ones passing away is the hardest. Then there’s the nasty breakdown of personal relationships, family relationships and friendships. Then there’s the sad drifting apart that happens when life takes you on a different path to a person you were once really close to."
– BlackCaaaaat
You're On Your Own, Kid
"Realizing that not even your parents have all the answers. And finally understanding that they were just figuring it out as they went just like we are."
"Not having an all knowing figure to give you the answers to all your problems is the pits and I hate it."
"Edit: just wanted to add that I agree figuring stuff out for yourself is rewarding and fun, but some things you really dont want to figure out for yourself, or cant figure out. And for those things it's nice to have someone to point you in the right direction."
– Snow_Da_92
The Physical Limitations Set In
"Pain."
"Arthritis is f'king horrible and early onset autoimmune arthritis is worse than just having an ache in one or two joints. I hurt all the time, everywhere, and everyone just assumes you're faking it or you're a pill popper. I am not going to live another 20 years with this pain like my dad did."
– porcelina99
Pain Doesn't Discriminate
"I don't have arthritis but I do have other issues that I end up having to use a cane for sometimes at 28 years old and I get the "you're too young for that" a lot, it drives me up a wall. Like, thanks, you've cured me, I hadn't considered I may be too young for this! If only I'd known it was that easy!"
– tarotwitchneona
Sleepless Nights
"Not being able to sleep due to stress. Yet here I lay, exhausted but wide awake."
"When I was younger I could sleep anytime, anywhere."
– JonnyWax
There are a slew of responsibilities these Redditors never saw coming.
Basic Adulting
"Being able to not cook the same meal everyday while balancing hundreds of other tasks. I will always admire my mom for how she was able to cook, have a clean house, work 43 hours and help her children do homework all while taking time to work out at the end of everyday."
"I could mention other common problems like money management and common tasks that I haven't mastered, but what really hit me like a train was the actual transition of adulthood. Im talking about having to make my own appointments and having to keep tabs on myself instead of handing every single document to my mom. I realized how unorganized I was when I found my birth certificate in the same drawer where i have junk receipts."
– IrisNalvo
Role Reversal
"Dealing with your parents acting like children."
– rchaw
Being The Host
"Having a presentable place, and debating myself on why it matters. It always frustrated me when my parents had a guest over and we had to deep clean the whole house. Like if it’s my close friend of 8 years visiting, why do I care what they care about my cleanliness? And yet, every time people are over I find myself cleaning the apartment up for some reason."
– slothbarns7
Didn't we all feel invincible as youngsters?
I was rambunctious, physically active, and I hardly ever felt like I was going to run out of steam.
Yet, here we are. I can barely get up out of bed without hearing a snap, crackle, and pop from all of my joints.
I was cognizant of the eventual physical breakdown of my body taunting me from the distant horizon. But nothing could prepare me for the velocity at which this phase of my life would arrive and slap me hard in the face.
Life can be so cruel.