Wife Paid Wedding Photographer Not To Take Her Picture, And Her Husband Is Devastated
You wouldn't want photos of your own wedding? Well....to each their own, I suppose, but making a secretive decision at your own wedding is pretty much a nail in the coffin of partnership.
u/camerashywife told us the story:
My wife (24F) paid our wedding photographer extra to not take any photos of her. We just got the photos back and I (25M) am so angry and hurt.
My wife has always been camera shy. When we first started dating she would delete any photograph I took of her. After a few years (we've been together 6 years total) she permitted a few if no one else saw them. She doesn't have any social media accounts either.
We got married two weeks ago. We had a very small wedding and no honeymoon, but the wedding was really nice. My wife looked absolutely beautiful and happy. She doesn't really dress up and this was the first time I had even seen her in a dress, so it was a welcome surprise.
The wedding photographer was a friend of hers, so she handled hiring him. We both agreed that we wanted candids instead of posed photos, so we told him to just take candids. When we got the photos earlier this week, they were great, but none of them had her in them.
She confessed that she paid him extra not to photograph her. She didn't want to worry about someone taking pictures of her on her special day.
Our families are asking for wedding pictures and I don't know what to tell them. Also, I'm really mad myself and I can't seem to let this go, even though it's been a couple days. What do I do?
My wife apologized for hurting my feelings, but she doesn't really understand how upset this made me. I wanted a picture of my wife to remember how she looked on that special day. Is that too much to ask?
tl;dr: My wife paid the wedding photographer extra to not take pictures of her. We got the photos back, and there's no bride. I'm so angry and I can't let this go, and our families want copies of the pictures. What do I do?
Here were some answers.
One
GiphyYeah, dude my Mom was like that too. She yelled at me as a kid of I tried to get a picture of her at Christmas or whatever...it sucked. Now I'm 40 and she's been dead for 6 years, I literally have 3 pictures of her, 1 being her Senior picture from high school, 1 that I managed to sneak (which isn't good, and she would have made me destroy, and 1 of her in her work uniform.
This is a symptom of a much larger problem. Mainly her total lack of self-esteem. She used to make me cut her hair because hair dressers were for "pretty people". Trust me, no matter how often she complimented, her body issues rubbed off. Get her into therapy, before you have kids.
Two
GiphyIf your wife's photographer friend is a professional, he might've ignored her requests as a precaution and taken pictures of her anyway, but just didn't send them to you. Before you spend lots of money trying to recreate the night for new photos, make sure you call him up and talk to him on your own.
In the case that you do have to recreate them, I really don't see the shame in it. What your wife did was super selfish, but once you're able to get through the relationship issue here (everyone else seems to be posting good advice on that), you'll still appreciate remade ones for the rest of your life.
Three
GiphyDid the photographer give you ALL the photos or just ones he knew she wanted to see? If I was in the photographers shoes I would have taken some of her anyway. Especially if the idea was having candid photos. I think they wouldn't have had too much trouble sneaking in a few of her, especially if this guy is a friend I would hope he'd realize the mistake she was making and get some "just in case she regrets this" shots.
Contact the photographer before you book another shoot and see if he did take a few on the sly.
And while I agree that you're wife should speak to a counselor I also think you guys should try and work on your communication together. You should approach her and say "I understand why you feel this way but I wish we could have talked about it before the wedding" or something like that. Don't get mad at her, just use this as a learning experience for both of you. Clearly she has self image issues and you can reassure her you want to help her feel as beautiful as you know she is but she also needs to be more open with you when she's feeling insecure about something. Because this isn't a little thing, this was your wedding day. Even if you recreate the photos it won't be quite the same.
I can understand how your wife feels. While I am not self conscious to that degree, I always get bummed when I see myself in pictures. It's really awful how we tend to pick ourselves apart. We really can be our own worst enemies. Pictures aside, I really hope she can get some help. She's got to learn to love herself and let me tell you why; she might someday regret all of the time and energy she put into hating herself, especially if her self esteem gets lower. I say this as a woman who spent my entire teenage years hating what I saw in the mirror. At 130lbs I thought I was fat, 140, 150, 160, 170, 180, 190, 200... Fat fat fat fat fat. The whole time. When I tipped over 200 I had my breaking point and started making changes. I'm down to 185 right now and while I still think I'm fat, I know it's getting better. But here's where the regret comes in. I look at old pictures. Pictures of me at 150 and remember how much time and energy I wasted sucking in my gut and worrying about how fat I was. I look back now and think "damn I looked great, I'm 35lbs bigger now. Why the f--- did I think I was fat?" I should have enjoyed that time. When we love ourselves we take better care of ourselves. I'm still working on the self love thing (it's not easy, I don't know if it ever will be) but I will never spend so much time and energy on self hate as I used to. It's not worth it.
I wish the both of you the best. :) <3
Four
GiphyYour wife isn't 'camera shy' - she has a severe self esteem issue or a complete phobia or people paying attention to her. It's obvious that she feels she literally cannot relax or enjoy herself at all when there's a possibility of her being photographed.
So Step 1 - get your wife into therapy. She'll say it's fine, it's not a big issue, but it is. You'll want photos when you're older.
Step 2 - give the family the photos they want. They should still get to see the other photos, and when they ask about her presence in them, she must be very clear about why she isn't there.
Five
GiphyI'm camera shy, but I will suck it up and and have photos taken of me. I tend to oblige a few shots, and then tell whoever is snapping to go away. That way, both are satisfied.
When I was a bridesmaid for a friend, there were TONS of photos of me. But we bridesmaids looked amazing, so that was ok.
This is beyond camera shy, there is something way more serious going on here...
Six
GiphyHey I can give perspective as someone who is very camera shy. She sounds a lot like me. Having my photo taken by people other than myself fills me with dread. I'm incredibly self conscious about my appearance and I'm not photogenic so nearly every single picture taken of me I hate.
Now hating pictures of you is one thing but I have literally had panic attacks and burst into tears after seeing unflattering pictures of me. It can ruin my entire week. Obviously this isn't rational and clearly I have deep issues but that doesn't make my feelings on the matter stupid as many people think.
If your wife is anything like me, she's probably extremely self conscious and it probably hurts to see unflattering photos of herself. Now put that into context: it's her wedding, a day she wants to remember fondly. Most people should be able to look back on their wedding photos and feel happy but if she's looking back on unflattering photos or even photos she just doesn't like, for someone who is already camera shy that's gonna make her feel like sh*t about herself and if she's like me, she'll obsess over how bad she thinks she looks.
If I hated the photos taken on my wedding day, every time I think about my wedding I'd be reminded of how awful I think I looked. Your wife might have completely different reasons to not want her pictures taken on that day but it's likely she feels the same as me. I understand you're angry and hurt but I'm guessing she did that to avoid all the awful feelings that come with hating photos of yourself. She needs help if this is the case and she needs your support. She's probably really upset that she has no photos of herself on one of the best days of her life but you've got to think that if she would rather have no photos of herself on her wedding day than deal with seeing photo's that she hates, her feelings on the matter must be really strong.
Seven
GiphyThis is something your wife should have spoken to you about and the fact that she lied to you is not okay. However, as someone with crippling BDD and self-esteem issues I can understand your wife's reluctance to have pictures taken. If I see photos of myself that others have taken I have panic attacks and cry. I've hurt myself over pictures before and my recovery from self-esteem issues has been greatly damaged by viewing photos of myself that have been taken by others. In fact, my anxiety about appearing in photographs is so intense that I worry that I will be unable to marry my SO at all because I literally cannot cope with having my picture taken and being the focus of attention at something like my own wedding is my worst nightmare.
This being said, I am aware that this is not healthy and I'm seeking help. Your wife needs to do the same. By lying about this instead of speaking to you about it and managing to come to some sort of agreement (for example a few pictures of you both on the day under circumstances that would make her the least uncomfortable) your wife has broken your trust. I think you need to speak to her about how much this has hurt you and encourage her to seek help for these issues as they wont get better otherwise.
Eight
GiphyI feel a little sad for your wife (and you, of course). It seems like having her photo taken is a big source of anxiety for her, and maybe this was her way of making sure she could enjoy her day without having to worry about it. However, it's completely understandable that you're disappointed not to have any pictures of her from the day, and to be upset that she did this without letting you know. I think it's worth talking to her about it again and exploring her reasons and what she thinks about her appearance.
It's definitely not too much to ask your wife for a picture of her on her wedding day, but if her worry about being photographed is so severe that she can't even allow that then maybe there's something serious going on with her self-image.
Nine
GiphyI find it odd that a wedding photographer would agree to this - even a friend and getting paid extra. It besmirches their product.
If it's that bad that you don't want pictures of you on your wedding, it sounds like your wife might do well to talk to a therapist. Lots of people are camera shy, but I've never heard of anything this extreme.
Ten
GiphyOPs wife:
A) Has severe psychological issues
B) Is running from a specific something for a long time now
C) Is a vampire
Best of luck Op
Things People Will Never Order At A Restaurant
Reddit user DGex asked: 'Reddit. What will you never order at a restaurant?'
Be it an old familiar, or a new establishment that has been the talk of the town, restaurant diners are always faced with a challenge once they are handed a menu.
Do they stick with what they know, and order the burger and fries or spaghetti and meatballs, which are both difficult to screw up?
Or do they get a little adventurous, and try the restaurant's specialité, even if it's something they've never tried before in their lives?
Generally speaking, it tends to be on a case-by-case basis based on the restaurant they are dining in.
Of course, some people have such an aversion to certain ingredients or dishes, that no matter the location, they will never order it.
"Reddit. What will you never order at a restaurant?"
Not What, But When...
"I'll never order 10 minutes before closing."- bearstrugglethunder
Speaking From Experience
"Ice in my drink."
"After decades in the industry, I've only ever seen one change the ice machine filters and clean the bin regularly."-Anna_Namoose
"I have almost twenty years of experience managing bars and restaurants."
"What do you think I won't get? "
"Stylish or not?"
"Ice."
"In everything."
"I can assure you that I have saw far more appalling ice machines in back of houses than immaculate ones."- Tricky_Routine138
ice waiting GIF by tarninabarnGiphyStay Consistent
"Anything outside of what their core business is."
"Not ordering fish at a steakhouse, a burger at a Mexican restaurant etc."- KinkyPTDoc
Why Pay For What You Can Make Yourself?
"Quesadilla."
"I'm not paying for tortillas and cheese."
"I always have that sh*t at home."- DGex
"Pasta."
"I can make it at home, I'm a decent cook and can make most pasta dishes at home."
'I eat out to have foods I can't make."
'I'm usually disappointed when I do order it."- bensmom2020
"Tuna fish sandwich."- Limp-Persimmon-5729
"A grilled cheese sandwich."
"There's just no way a restaurant can elevate it to make it worth the cost."- manderifffic
Hungry Grilled Cheese GIF by U by Kotex BrandGiphyCasear, Cobb, Waldorf...NOPE!
"Salad."
"It’s so cheap to buy the ingredients and most restaurant salad comes from a bag."
"It’s just dumb in 85% of the cases."- humancalculus
"$17+ salad."- Monowakari
Split It, Maybe?
"Oh, I've got a good one."
"Do not order the lasagna if you visit Brio Tucsan Grille."
"It's not awful, fantastic, or extraordinary; it's just normal."
"But why, you say, would you advise against eating a typical meal?"
"Considering that it contained 5200 calories. calories for two days."
"When I removed empty dishes from the table in front of guests, I would shudder."- KeyPersimmon445
If You Can't See The Sea, Maybe Avoid Seafood...
"In a location not known for its seafood, lobster."
"Where are they going to get lobster, anyway?"- WillingnessInner9666
"Rocky Mountain Oysters."- Rollin_Soul_O
Eight Is A Few Too Many Legs...
"Anything cephalopod."- FarewellMyQueen
Pbs Nature Sea GIF by Nature on PBSGiphyUnless They Pick The Leaves Themselves...
"Tea."
'Compared to how much it costs to make at home, it's stupidly overpriced at restaurants."- Pure_Block_5309
There's nothing wrong with being a picky eater.
That being said, it's always worth trying something new before deciding you don't like it.
Even if no one should blame you for refusing to order sushi at a pizza counter.
"Never dip your pen in the company ink."
An age-old cautionary saying urging people not to get romantically entangled with their coworkers.
Doing so used to be illegal at many companies, whereas now it's grown to become a bit more commonplace, and often results in some cases of wedded bliss and happily ever afters (as demonstrated by The Office's Jim and Pam.)
Of course, when entering a relationship with a coworker, be it a one night stand or a committed, multi-year relationship, there is always the risk that it might not end well, resulting in your being forced to see your ex every day at the office (Bridget Jones anyone?)
"People who slept with a coworker, what happened after?"
Well, That's A Success?
"We became friends and she donated a kidney to me lol."- Headbobby
As If Nothing Had Changed...
"Got married 2 years later."
"'Co-worker' can mean different things and different circumstances, for instance:"
"Our company had 130,000 employees world-wide."
"Our group was housed in a building with 1,000 employees."
"We were not in each other's chain of command."
"It could have been somewhat awkward if it did not work out, but not awful."
"It did work out."
"Later on, saved money by carpooling!"- SyntheticOne
The Office Laughing GIF by NBCGiphyJust Couldn't Fight The Chemistry
"We were both working as actors in a small film, cast as romantic leads."
"She noticed I got tense when we had to kiss... and suggested we go on a date to practice kissing."
"We played mini-golf and practiced kissing."
"Then we continued practicing in her car in the parking lot after the mini-golf place closed until a cop came to investigate."
"Then we got a hotel room and practiced other stuff."
'I guess I'm a slow learner because she's still giving me remedial lessons."- Jake_Science
Nothing Personal, One Hopes..
"She had to fire me."
"Poor performance."- bilvester
Consider Long Term Goals First
"Fun."
"Highly recommend if you have a job."
"Do not recommend if you have a career."- bluegiant85
Renee Zellweger Office GIF by Working TitleGiphyOn To Bigger And Better Things
"Dated discreetly and after four years we got engaged."
"We then both told our supervisors we were leaving in the summer."
"At our last meeting as they were doing their good bye lunch for both of us with about 30 coworkers, they had us say a few words."
"I went first and said I was moving to a new city."
"Then it was my fiancés turn and she said she was also moving to that city, with me, because we’re engaged."
"It was glorious."
"We are happily married for 13 years and have an awesome daughter."
"Life is goooood."- lmc227
Jealous Much?
"I had a supervisor that I really hit it off with and had great chemistry."
"As soon as they found out we were dating, she got fired and immediately found a better job."
"We've been married for almost 13 years now."
"I feel I should clarify a little bit while still keeping the details as vague as possible because quite a few people worked there."
"She was my boss in the sense that if she told me something needed taken care of, I was expected to take care of it."
"She didn't actually have the power to fire me if our relationship went south, but she probably could have gotten me fired if she had been that type of person."
"We worked there for two years before anything remotely physical happened."
"Our lunch breaks lined up."
"After a few conversations, we became friendly and started spending most of that hour shooting the sh*t with each other."
"I was crushing on her hard, but didn't think she'd be interested in dating one of the janitors, so I didn't say anything in an effort not to make things weird at work."
"One day I let it slip to one of the other janitors that I had a crush on her."
"He thought it would be hilarious to immediately go and tell her what I said."
"The next day, she asked me if I had really said that."
"I was really embarrassed but admitted that I had said it."
"She basically told me she was feeling the same way and gave me her number."
"11 months later, we were married."
"There were two guys in upper management that had asked her out and been rejected."
"Their egos obviously took a hit when they found out she chose me."
"She was fired after being blamed for someone else's mistake."
"Then they refused to show the proof that she was the one responsible."
"It was bullsh*t, but it only took her two weeks to find a job that paid a lot more."
"Once they did that to her, I immediately became a terrible employee and openly talked sh*t about everyone in management until they really had no choice but to fire me."- Imahorrible_person
Nothing Lost, Nothing Gained
"We did it a couple of times then both went on with our lives."
"It was just something we both wanted to do temporarily."
"Neither one of us wanted it to be serious or long-term, and so it wasn’t."- Listening_Heads
No Regrets Whatsoever
"We moved in together, got engaged, bought a house and had a baby."
"Don't let a job get in the way of your life."- AllSonicGames
Who'd Have Guessed...
"I slept with my boss back in 93."
"She instigated it."
"She’s sitting beside me."
"30 years later and two adult kids."
"Worked out!"
"I should add we did NOT care for each other at first. It was definitely not a case of 'will they, won’t they' but more of a 'will he quit or won’t he?'"
"Funny how life works."- Uncle_Bug_Music
Proceed With Caution
"Fun while it lasted, but very awkward after."- BrianH-84
Love cannot, and should not be denied, even if it is a coworker.
Anyone looking for a one and done, however, might want to look beyond the walls of your office.
Unless you like constantly being reminded of your past mistakes.
It can take a lot of courage to put yourself out there and let someone know you're interested.
As long as they're not creepy, aggressive, or crazy, it should be flattering, right?
If you're straight and a person of the same gender as you flirts with you, this should be easy to deal with.
In most cases, it took a lot more courage for them to ask than for you to hear.
The following question has been asked to many a straight guy over the years.
Let's see how the times and reactions have progressed.
Redditor FregeanCoder wanted the heteronormative gents out there to share with us, so they asked:
"Straight men, how would you react if a man hit on you?"
I've flirted with many a straight guy, and 99% of the time, it's all gone over well even if they turned me down.
Be Polite
buster keaton GIFGiphy"I've told them thank you but not interested."
twinturboboosted
"Pretty much this for me as well, no need to get scared, but at the same time I did have one super creep, not a comfortable experience."
Empty_Jellyfish_1995
Happy Endings
"My response was, 'I’m flattered, but it’s not my thing.' Guy insisted on buying me that drink anyway as an apology. Thirty years later, we’re still friends. I was best man at his wedding, and now they’re both like brothers to me."
ElectricTurtlez
"Wow, an 'apology' - for flattering you!? Maybe he felt that he made you uncomfortable. Sounds like a generous and humble person."
BoringBob84
"I wish men could do that when women reject them. For some reason, if a woman rejects a straight man he thinks 'being friends' is like a punishment."
Joygernaut
Aww Shucks
"My wife and I were at a gay bar with some friends and one time while alone a young man offered to buy me a drink… it was the most flattering feeling, which I of course told him as I politely declined. He must have been having a rough patch since he was very attractive and had no business hitting on a guy like me. Or maybe it was late and he was drunk."
corona-lime-us
"You could have been his type. Never know."
twinturboboosted
"Haha. Perhaps. I’ll cling to the possibility. I’m just grateful my wife agreed to marry me before I discovered IPA’s and how to smoke meat!!!"
corona-lime-us
Keeping it
"I had a man I thought was hitting on my girlfriend and telling us both multiple times he was into threesomes tell me in a forceful way at the end of the night was gay. I said ah, that's cool man good for you! He walked away looking kind of sad and defeated. It wasn't until the next day that we realized he was hitting on me and we all had a chuckle at my obliviousness."
Gettinrekt1
No Harm
"Well normally at first I’m polite and say no thanks in some way or straight out. If it ends there it’s amusing no harm done. But just like with women if they are overly aggressive after then it’s a lot different. Ashamed of how common that type of stuff is. It has nothing to do with people's sex life. People are capable of all kinds of things. We know this but seem to act like it doesn’t happen."
_Dirty_Deedz_
OHHHHHH!!!!
Seth Meyers Pain GIF by Late Night with Seth MeyersGiphy"Probably the same way as when a woman hits on me - be oblivious to it until weeks later when it suddenly dawns on me."
Eccentric_Fixation
I always hate that A-HA moment.
Like, where was my mind at in the moment.
SEE MEEE!!!
Jim Carrey Flirting GIFGiphy"I'm gay, my oldest friend is straight. Took him to a gay bar once. He got very offended that no one tried to hit on him."
J8766557
Why not?
"I'm a straight, bearded, short but pretty muscular guy living in (very liberal) Berlin. Apparently, that's attractive for a lot of gay men so I'm getting hit on by men pretty regularly, a lot more than by women. I usually just tell them I'm not gay and then it depends on their reaction."
"Keep talking, do more drinking, keep dancing... Why not? I've been on the opposite side after a rejection by a woman and it's nice to just keep having a good time instead of an awkward exit that you'll cringe about 10 years later randomly."
Magnetobama
Back when we danced
"Not sure how it works nowadays with apps like Grindr but in the late 90s/2000s, we had a gay club in our city (no longer exists and there’s not another one unless you drive 30 min to a town over). Anyway, I was the straight friend in a group of gay guys because I loved EDM and I think by association, other gay men thought I was gay."
Always flattered, politely said no and they would turn to the next guy waiting in line for a drink and hit on them. Rinse and repeat. I think what I learned is that men regardless of sexual preference are all horny and will try again and again until they find someone down to clown."
irn
Thanks, Corey
"I was at a house party and he started hitting on me. I kind of panicked and said I was dating one of the girls at the party. Went over to her after and asked her to play along because he was hitting on me and I didn’t want to start a fuss. Ended up hooking up with her later that night and 16 years later were married with 2 kids. At our wedding speech, I thanked him even though he wasn’t there. Corey wherever you are, thanks bud."
reload88
Beautiful Hair
"Happened to me by a coworker. I very politely explained I wasn’t gay but it never changed my opinion of him. He eventually thanked me for dealing with it the way I did and I explained it wasn’t necessary to say thanks. I asked him why me though. He replied, 'You’ve got one hell of a head of beautiful hair!' And he was right."
Particular-Paper-558
Be Fair
Criminal Minds Fist Bump GIF by IONGiphy"I flirt a little but make sure he knows I'm straight and there is no opportunity for us to be anything but friends. Gay dudes are some of the best friends a straight guy can have and I don't give a f**k what anyone thinks about that. Just don't lead them on, it's not fair to them."
somedoofyouwontlike
Well it does sound like we've come a long way.
It's nice to know.
Let's flirt.
Whether we realize it or not, we have certain "tells" that will signal to other people what life is like at home, whether we're hard workers or parents or travelers.
Even single men, despite their age, have certain characteristics that can be spotted from a mile away.
Curious, Redditor hamsterdumpster asked:
"What screams 'single male lives here'?"
Questionable Decor
"Anything but a curtain acting as a curtain."
- Some-Nice-Basil
Minimalist By Nature
"When I first heard the description of a minimalist I was confused because as a single male, I had been living like that for years..."
- jnd_photography
A Glimpse into the Bathroom
"Three empty bottles of head and shoulders still in the shower, prob another bottle half full with tons of excess shampoo dried all around the outside."
"A small pile of leftover Irish spring soap bars maybe we can smash 'em together and make a full bar one day."
- Omnivore_Omri_23
Very Elaborate
"There's just a mattress on the floor in the bedroom."
- gambito705
Bottle Collections
"Empty liquor bottles lined up as decor."
- miranda_alexis
No Place for the Garbage
"There's no trash can in the bathroom."
- Iilsmokey
Key Characteristics
"Empty fridge except for a random beer and leftovers. White plastic chair. Everything black...black couch, black picture frames, black desk. Etc."
- elvishranger
Central TV
"A really big single-seat recliner in front of a massive TV with game consoles under it. Not that there's anything wrong with gaming, but there's a certain level of being committed to staying single when you have just one chair in your loungeroom, lol (laughing out loud)."
- Totallycasual
Shaving Day
"Stubble in the sink."
- Ok_Wave_7358
"And behind the sink faucets."
- Urrrsagrrl
National Pride
"A random flag hanging on the living room wall."
- bucktop
New Standard in Bedding Sets
"Using tee shirts as pillowcases. Lol (laughing out loud)."
- Ok-Mood9454
"Can confirm, have done this. They're about the same size and sometimes I can't (be bothered to) find a pillowcase."
- whyamionfireagain
Stereotypical Decor
"According to 90’s romcom/sitcoms: Lava lamp and a beanbag chair."
- sorentomaxx
"Can confirm: I love lava lamps."
- ithinkoutloudtoo
External Closet
"Speaking from experience. I got tired of having a floordrobe so I got an absolutely giant clothes drying rack where all of my clean clothes go."
- Bribase
"'This pile is clean, that pile is dirty.'"
- GSturges
"'...That pile is dirty but wearable.'"
- wageslave645
The Single Man Starter Pack
"Bare white walls or a s**tty poster on them... A large TV with no furniture other than a futon serving double duty as a bed... Beer everywhere, even on the ceiling."
- Barmacist
Enough Said
"All of the pizza boxes."
- somedream
"I called it the leaning tower of pizza."
- TheMohawkMan
While there's nothing wrong with being single, a guy should be mindful of what he keeps in his home, how he behaves, and even how his clothes appear, if he for some reason doesn't want to disclose to others that he's single or living alone.